Thanksgiving—or, as I like to call it: Dinner in Hell—is nearly upon us, which means soon not only will you have to pretend to like your mother’s gluten-free stuffing, but you’ll also have to put up with the black cloud that descends upon your family dinner table once a year in the form of your nosiest and most racist relatives. Gotta love the holidays! There’s nothing quite like trying to shove a second slice of pie down your throat while also having to explain to Aunt Sally that, yes, you’re still single and getting ghosted by a guy who works at Radio Shack thriving. Luckily for you betches, I may have found a way for you to come armed to the emotional waterboarding party with some crazy material to f*ck with your Aunt Sally and any other relative who likes to hold the rolls hostage until you divulge your five year plan. And it comes in the form of 1950s dating advice.

Yes, 1950s dating advice. You see, the other day I was messing around on the internet and avoiding answering any emails that would require me to actually do something to earn my paycheck, when a friend sent me the most hilarious and batsh*t article I’ve seen in awhile (shout-out to @ Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet for always coming through with the best internet trash!). Apparently, a woman randomly found a women’s magazine from 1958 with a cover story on “129 Ways To Find A Husband.” The 1950s dating advice ranges anywhere from “mildly frowned upon” to “I’m calling the goddamn police,” so naturally all 129 pieces of wild advice was posted onto the internet for the public to judge and ridicule. I encourage everyone to read the article in its entirety because it’s absolute GOLD, but since I don’t have all day to sit here and individually mock every piece of advice, I’m just going to list my favorites, mmkay? 

“Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.”

I know this seems aggressive to start out with, but this was literally #6 on the list. NUMBER SIX!! I don’t know what’s more suspicious: that ladies back in the day were showing up to other women’s funerals dressed like they’re about to sock hop right over their competition’s dead bodies to sleep with their newly singly husbands, OR that there were enough funerals happening for this to be commonplace advice. Either way, I’m disturbed afraid to ask my grandma.

“Dropping the handkerchief still works.”

Here I was thinking Elle Woods was ahead of her time, when really betches have been perfecting the bend and snap since 1958. I prefer to emotionally masturbate over texts my ex sent me at 3am instead of using dating ploys that might physically and emotionally put myself out there, but, hey, to each their own.

“Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.”

Lol clearly the person who wrote this has never spent any time with the New York subway system. I’ve literally seen people sitting in their own feces ride from Bushwick to Midtown without a single person asking them “are you okay” or even “do you need me to call you an ambulance,” let alone actually hitting on them. I’m just saying.

“Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.”

First of all, I am the sad sack in the group and I find that statement personally offensive. I may or may not have earned the nickname “Moaning Myrtle” from my friends because instead of blacking out and taking home a hot stranger, I prefer to black out and request the DJ play “Wrecking Ball” while weeping into my vodka cran. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A FUN TIME, OKAY.

“Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.”

Jesus. Again with the widowers. Though, if we’re being honest, this does feel like the most relatable piece of advice. Not the widower thing, but the part about the reunion being a good place to make a romantic connection get laid. But instead of trying to bang the hot widower, it’s more like you’re trying to bang the hot boyfriend of the girl who told you gold hoops were her thing. 

“Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they might have some leftovers!”

Okay, wow. Reading this doesn’t at all make me want shove my head in an oven. I guess the people behind this list are trying to say that attractive people will be able to set you up with guys?? Lol. I don’t have one friend, attractive or otherwise, who has set me up with anything less than 2018’s Quasimodo. PLEASE.

“If he’s rich, tell him you like his money—the honesty will intrigue him!”

This is assuming that you can find a single, attractive guy whose net worth amounts to more than a six pack of Bud Light. Considering the last eligible man I encountered was the human equivalent of a crumpled bag of Doritos, I’m not optimistic that those men are even real. BUT assuming you can find one, then Venmo yourself $1,500 when you’re putting your number in his phone. Just to show him you’re serious!

And, finally, my personal favorite….

“Stand in the corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.”

Funnily enough, this is actually my strategy for dating state of being after 1am, and I can’t say that it’s gotten me anything other than a wide f*cking berth from the male gender. Except from the bouncers who like to come over and tell me I’m “killing the vibe.”

So there you have it, Aunt Sally. I’ll be doing my part this year by crying in the corner more often. Now, can you do your part and stop tagging me in Facebook posts about when you should give up and freeze your eggs? Thx.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)

If you have been rolling your eyes and tuning out every time your Reddit-user friend has talked about Bitcoin for the past few years, it might be time to start paying attention. The invisible money digital currency  is now worth over $16,000 (yes, really), and is increasing in value faster than the Kardashians can reproduce. This time last year, one Bitcoin was worth $759. Today it is worth $16,000+. That’s like your Sacagawea dollar being worth $1 million…or something. So if that Reddit friend is single, you should probably consider him a viable dating option, and if you wish anything you owned could turn that kind of profit, you should probably stop buying shoes and start investing in cryptocurrency.

So how does a betch get some of that friend’s Bitcoin money? Here is a quick guide to wtf it is and how you can jump on the crypto train.

WTF is Bitcoin?

Unlike a physical coin that is stored in your car’s cupholder and worth absolutely nothing (parking meters don’t even want that shit anymore), Bitcoin is a decentralized currency that is stored on the internet and worth thousands. It’s not tied to a government, which means while Trump decreases the value of the dollar by being a terrible and entirely incompetent president, smart people all over the world are turning to Bitcoin and its cryptocurrency protégés to protect the future of the world’s economy.

Where TF Does Bitcoin Come From?

Bitcoins live on the blockchain, a magical place where information is shared but can’t be falsified (aka a world without identity theft or The Fat Jewish), and they are created by developers who mine for coins online. It’s virtual mining for engineers, so they get rich instead of the black lung, Pop. It’s harder to mine a Bitcoin than it is to print a Benjamin, so again—worth more than the dollar. (TBH, I don’t totally get this part, but I also don’t know where “the internet” or my need to listen to the new Taylor Swift album comes from—I just know that it’s real and has seriously improved my quality of life.)

WTF Can I Use It For?

Wtf do adults use their Google stock for? To rub it in Yahoo! stockholders’ faces and to put money in something that will actually gain value over time (your savings account ain’t doing the trick, honey). You can also book your next vacation on Expedia or buy your next couch on overstock.com and say, “This hotel room only cost me 1/30th of a Bitcoin,” or something equally obnoxious.

Should You Fucking Buy It?

I’m a Betches writer, not a finance expert, but if you weren’t lucky enough to have a techie boyfriend give you Bitcoin as a breakup gift when it was worth $300 like I was, it might be a bit late to invest. Shit’s at an all-time high, and some think the Bitcoin bubble is about to burst—but if your FOMO is stronger than you are fiscally conservative, you can get in on the game here.

I Can’t Fucking Afford That!

Yeah, me neither. Lucky for us, cryptocurrency (not unlike the LBD) isn’t going out of style, and new and improved versions are popping up all the time. So if you caught the crypto bug, or you want to play with your money like This is Us plays with our emotions, may I suggest putting Ethereum on your Christmas list. It’s like Bitcoin but arguably smarter and at $457 a piece, definitely more affordable (P.S. its value has grown over 6,000% in one year).

Think of it this way: Bitcoin is Beyoncé today and Ethereum is Beyoncé of Destiny’s Child. Sure, everyone worships her now, but it’d be a lot cooler if you knew she would be queen back when she was asking if we could pay her bills.

Images: Christine Roy / Unsplash; Giphy (5)

We have some bad news. Ok fair, we know…when was the last time we had any good news in this shitstorm that is 2017 besides the announcement that Luna Teigen-Legend is going to be a big sister? But this bad news involves the internet: that thing you’re reading this article on right now while hastily clicking back and forth between work-related tabs at your desk (you’re not subtle, but we love you anyway). Listen up, because your precious source of betchy memes may very well be at stake. The FCC announced this week that they’ll be rolling back net neutrality, and if you don’t know what that means, trust me, it’s a BFD. Also we’re like, about to tell you what it means so just like cool your jets for one sec okay? Jeez. 

WTF Is Net Neutrality?

I know you know what the word neutral means because, Switzerland, and those high school friend group falling-outs that you claimed “not to choose a side” during (but you obviously strategically made each friend think you were on her side). Net neutrality is basically a policy enforced in a 2015 protective order by the Obama administration (we miss u bb, come back) stating that internet providers are not allowed to interfere with the speed, pricing, or access to any websites or programming.

You know how your cable company makes you pay extra for packages that let you watch Jon Snow’s perfectly sculpted butt grind up on his aunt? (If you’re not caught up by now, what are you even doing?) Well, without net neutrality, your internet provider can do a similar thing and pick and choose what websites and content they want to charge you for, or make more difficult to access. Imagine having to pay to read Betches every week just because your Wifi provider wants to make a little extra cash? Criminal.

So Wait, What Just Happened?

Yesterday, the president of the FCC, Ajit Pai, announced a plan to roll back these consumer protections in order to end the government’s “micromanaging” of the internet. Now, if this sounds fishy to you, you’re damn right, because removing net neutrality would actually directly allow companies to micromanage the services they provide and create restrictions and obstacles for consumers, as well as potentially limiting free speech. The power would shift to major cable and internet companies, such as Comcast, Verizon, Time Warner, and AT&T, giving them the ability to choose which websites load quickly or slowly, and charge certain sites and streaming services extra just so they can get their domains out of the “slow traffic lane.” With these websites having to pay more, subscription costs are also likely to go up to make up for the difference. Also, many blogs and independent retailers or private websites may face charges to run on provider’s plans, potentially shutting them down altogether if those costs can’t be afforded. So go ahead and remind me again how this makes logical sense for the good of the people.

What Does This Mean?

If you are a typical, panicked millennial, you already know the feeling of living paycheck to paycheck and scraping by to pay your rent every month as you sit and eat your Seamless-delivered meal by the light of an overpriced Anthropologie candle. Ok, so money management is admittedly not the strong suit of our generation, which makes it even more horrifying to realize that soon, you might have to start paying for things like email, video, music streaming, and more. Portugal currently has a setup similar to what is projected to happen in the US if Ajit and the Republican majority vote to get rid of net neutrality – all of the most popular applications, websites, and subscriptions are sold in bundles, like cable packages.

If I have to start paying to receive emails telling me I’m behind on payments for Spotify, Pornhub, and Youtube, I will lose my fucking mind. Major providers can also choose which websites to slow down, to drive traffic to sites that they would rather have you use because they pay them the bigger bucks. For instance, if Amazon is forking over a hefty sum to your internet provider, you can kiss The Handmaid’s Tale goodbye because your Hulu buffering time is about to be slow as shit. These packages will split up services into multiple expensive bundles, which will start to add up very quickly and make it extremely difficult to use all of the services and sites you once got for free. And there’s only so long we can all keep coasting on our exes’ Netflix accounts without them realizing, and then we’re really screwed.

SOS Pls Help?

With that frightening information being said, we need to do everything in our power to stop the reversal of net neutrality if we want to keep our lightning-fast access to Steve’s luscious hair on Stranger Things (for real, lmk what conditioner you use). The vote is currently set for December 14th, and it’s actually expected to pass based on a split favoring Republicans, so FB stalkers, Instagram models, and Reddit trolls need to band together fast to save their beloved world wide web. This is really a bipartisan issue, and boils down to the fact that major, wealthy companies should not be able to control what we see or do online. That’s just like, the rules of free speech.

One way to voice your concern is to call your local representatives and try to get Congress to squash this decision. Or you can slide directly into Ajit’s DMs and call the FCC offices at 202-418-1000. Comedian John Oliver – or as my grandpa refers to him “the really funny British guy who says ‘fuck’ a lot – also did an excellent segment on Last Week Tonight explaining net neutrality and the repercussions of its removal. He and the team at the show bought out the domain name gofccyourself.com, which directs you straight to comments and complaints page relating to this proposal on the FCC’s official website. So go let it out, honey. Put it in the book their comments section.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

As technology has advanced, so too has dating. Gone are the days of going to the sock hop and waiting for your beau to show up to offer you a dance and buy you a soda or whatever; now we can basically order a boo on demand with the flick of a wrist and the press of a button. I’m not here to go all Baby Boomer on you and lament the downfall of dating and romance as we know it, though. With increased technology comes greater visibility and more accountability. This isn’t like when our moms were dating, where they’d go out with a guy and hope he didn’t turn out to be a sociopath later on down the line. (Seriously, a lot of my mom’s friends ended up unwittingly marrying sociopaths.) Now we have the internet. All the knowledge is right there at our fingertips; you just need to know where to look. And I’m not talking about Facebook and Instagram—that’s amateur hour. These are the websites and tips you need to take your creeping game to the next level. 

1. His Existing Usernames

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching a lot of Catfish, it’s the importance of reverse Google Image searches. Other than that, it’s that people are not very imaginative and will often use the same username for literally every platform. Go to his Facebook and find out what his URL is. Note his Twitter and Instagram handles. Then plug all those usernames into other websites and see what you can come up with. Reddit is the big one I have in mind here, because Reddit is where people reveal their true selves because they think they’re anonymous. Type into your address bar “reddit.com/u/”, and if he made a Reddit account with that username, you can see everything he posted. If this guy is secretly commenting on girls’ nudes on r/gonewild, or spewing some racist shit on some neo-Nazi subreddit (I don’t actually know if one exists, I’m just using a hypothetical example), you find out early on and can cut your losses. On a less dramatic note, if he thinks puns are the highest form of humor, you can also find that out from the comments and nip that relationship in the bud.

2. His College Website

This is a dark level I’m not proud to admit I’ve sunk to—actually, you know what, fuck it. I am proud. They don’t call me Sgt. Olivia Betchson for nothing. If you, like me, get to a point where you can no longer trust anything that comes out of a guy’s mouth and you start wondering what very base-level things he lied to you about, you might walk away from the relationship for your own sanity decide to see if he did, in fact, graduate college. This is where his college website comes in. I can really only speak to the one small college that happened to have this, but I was able to look up PDF versions of his college’s commencement brochures to verify that he did, in fact, graduate college like he said he did. You know what he didn’t do, though? Graduate the year he told me he did. Or the year after that. Or the one after that. Yes, homeboy told me he graduated in 2014, but he didn’t actually walk across the stage until two years later. AND his degree was listed as “pending upon completion of coursework”. So did he really graduate? I draw the line at calling the registrar’s office pretending to be a potential employer, so I’ll never know for sure. What I do know for sure, though, is that this dude is a dirty liar. Do not trust him. He is a fugly slut. 

3. His LinkedIn

I mean, this goes without saying. You need to look at a guy’s LinkedIn. However, and I cannot stress this enough, YOU CANNOT LOOK AT HIS LINKEDIN YOURSELF. You need to enlist the help of a trusted friend. Have her look at his profile, screenshot it, and send it to you. If you try to peep yourself while you’re logged in, he’ll get a notification that you viewed his profile, and the game is officially up because you exposed yourself. So once you’ve looked at the screenshot of his LinkedIn, then if you feel so inclined, you can search his current position on Glassdoor to find out how much he makes. Or, in my case, you can search the title of his current position on Glassdoor to find out if he, in fact, works in “tech sales” like he claims and not just working in an Apple store, since Glassdoor indicates he’s getting paid a standard retail wage. Yes, I’ve referenced this in numerous articles; no, I’m clearly not over it.

4. His Old Tweets

It bears stating that even if it’s not the most out-of-the-box solution, you can still unearth a lot of information about a person based off what they thought was funny or important back in 2012. (This is why I’ve purged all my tweets from before 2015.) Did this dude write on Twitter that the NAACP and the KKK are analagous organizations? Better know that now. Did he tweet about his frat? Cool, now you can Google that school and that frat to figure out if he was in the cool frat, or the frat known for putting molly in the jungle juice. Again, it’s better you know this shit now.

5. His Tagged Photos

So you have his Facebook and Instagram and that shit looks pretty run-of-the-mill. But did you look at his tagged photos, though? Rookie mistake. Make sure you’re seeing the photos OTHER PEOPLE are posting, the ones he doesn’t want you to see, or else he would have put them up himself. Also, check out his friends. Do they look like assholes? They say you are a combination of the five people you hang out with most, so if his friends are a bunch of Sperrys-wearing, keg stand-doing, All-Lives-Matter-ing frat boys, you don’t want to figure that out two months in. Or like, IDK, if his friends just look lame, or if they are all women who are hotter than you, those are things you don’t want to wait to find out.

6. His Phone Number

I don’t mean like, have your friend prank call his number. This isn’t 1998. WE HAVE RESOURCES. Once you get his number GOOGLE THAT SHIT. You can find out wherever he posted his number online (aka if he’s an idiot). Like, maybe he’s involved in some business ventures or a bad text of his once went viral. Who TF knows. His address might also come up if he’s listed in any directories. Then you plug that shit into Google Earth, check out his house/apartment, ask him who that bitch was in his bedroom… JK, I’m aware that’s not how Google Earth works, and also that that may be taking things a little bit too far. (No judgment if you decide to go that route tho.)

7. His Outgoing Voicemail

We are rapidly approaching maximum creep level here, so only stay with me if you’re not faint of heart. There’s this website my friend told me about called SpyDialer.com, where you can type in any cell phone number and listen to that person’s outgoing voicemail message WITHOUT DIALING. Now you might be thinking “Sgt. Olivia Betchson, what kind of information can I hope to gain from some dude’s voicemail? And the answer is: LOTS. You can find out if he’s a sociopath living a double life with a family if he’s dumb enough to record a voicemail message with his significant other. Also, if you read my kittenfishing tale, you’d know that voice Catfishing is a very real problem that affects at least one person a year, and you don’t want to get thrown by a guy with a Mickey Mouse voice.

8. His Criminal Record

Ah yes, we’ve finally reached the pinnacle of my depravity. Yes, It’s true. I am not above scouring the darkest corners of the internet to find a guy’s criminal record. To be fair, the one first time I did this, it was because he had already told me he went to jail, but not what the offense was. I feel like I had the right to know if I was dating a murderer, you know? So there’s a few easy ways to do this. You can go to CriminalCheck.com, a no-fee database of sex offenders in the U.S.—minus Nebraska, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, and New Jersey. That shouldn’t be a huge deal because you shouldn’t date anyone from Nebraska or South Dakota on principle because nobody lives there, and you should assume anyone from New Jersey sucks (learn from my mistakes, I implore you). However, what if he committed some other non-sexual-based offense that is especially heinous? You can just Google his name + his county and have a ball going through each and every result until you find what you’re looking for (or don’t). If you’re asking, no I did not find any arrest record for my guy at the time, but I DID find one for a family member of his, which was a very awkward secret I kept to myself for the entire duration of our relationship. Also, his big-time jail-able offense? This dude spent a night in the drunk tank and played it off like he was El Chapo. SMFH.

They say ignorance is bliss, but that’s not true with dating. There are way too many creeps out there, and it’s important to do your due diligence. Now if you need me, I’ll be looking into whether or not I can obtain some medical records. A bientôt.

For more v relatable videos just like this one, subscribe to our Youtube channel and follow @betchflix on Instagram!

Remember that dress that blew up the internet a few years back? You know the one I’m talking about. The one that was either white and gold or blue and black, depending on how much weed you’d smoked that day the construction of your retinas or whatever? Well, now it’s back, only this time, in the form of a pair of sneakers. On Wednesday, a Twitter user who has since deleted her account (but y tho?) posted a picture of a pair of Vans, asking the internet what color the sneakers are. And boom went the dynamite. I saw these sneakers on Instagram yesterday and was pretty convinced it was an internet hoax. Like, you know the memes that are so purposefully un-funny they’re kind of funny? I thought it was like that. But no, this is real. People are really seeing these clearly TEAL AND GRAY sneakers as white and pink, proving that there’s a large group of people out there who need help.

For reference, here are the offending sneakers.

NO. You’re lying. I will not go through this again, do you hear me?? I WON’T. Those sneakers are as gray and teal as Trump is racist. I realize that analogy probably left some ambiguity for the Trump supporters out there, so let me clarify that with the following qualifier: VERY. THEY ARE VERY TEAL AND GRAY. No amount of squinting, staring at it, or looking away and then looking back is going to change my mind.

Someone else uploaded another image of the shoes in question, explaining that the bad flash and lighting gave them the gray/teal appearance.

And like, fine. Okay, that time I see it. The shoe is a very light pink, and the stripe and sole and laces are white. I accept it. BUT YOU CANNOT PUT THAT PICTURE SIDE-BY-SIDE WITH THE TEAL ONE AND TELL ME THEY ARE THE SAME. You cannot. Don’t believe me? Fine, I’ll put them next to each other for you, ya lazy ass.

Do those look the same to you?? DO THEY?? 

If both of those images look pink and white to you, stop reading this article; you need to go get your eyes checked.

Since betches are always in high demand, over time the world has gradually created new portals through which we can be reached. Whether your computer-generated choice of communication is Ichat, Gchat, Facebook chat, or screaming through your hallway, the days of AOL instant messenger will always have a place in our hearts. This week we’re taking a few minutes to reflect on the days of screen names, profiles, away messages, and most of all, the premiere method of cyber shit talking of the 21st century.

As a tween choosing the perfect screen name was the hardest decision you had to make next to picking the venue of your your 12th birthday party and contemplating if it was normal that the boy with whom you shared your first kiss had a gigantic boner. This task was a delicate one, and as a betch-in-training you weren’t about to associate yourself with something infantile like jenna412 or kimberly89. Amateurs. This was your SCREEN NAME, your online nameplate. This wasn’t the time to fuck around. You already had a host of monogrammed jewelry so this was an opportunity to get creative. Had curly hair? Curlgurl97. Loved tennis? SGtennis810. Thought you were too good for everyone? AP2good4u.

Everyone knew that you were only as cool as the number of buddies on your buddy list. Ew, you have 55 total? I have more than 100 JUST on my BFFAE group list. Organizing your friends into categories and arranging them in the order of most liked to least was the only way betches knew how to use AIM. You have your camp besties, then your school besties, then the randos you met in Mexico. Place them in the wrong group and risk confusion as to why this boy whose SN was in group camp bffles was asking you to send him the picture of you two sharing a piña colada while getting your hair braided.

Let’s talk about AIM linguistics. When your bestie shot you one too many “ct”s you knew the bitch was pissed. WHY ARE YOU ONLINE IF YOU CAN’T TALK?! The abbrev LOL being used to actually mean something was funny brings us back to a time when the world was a simple place and an ‘nm u‘ was all you needed to catch up with your crew. 

But more often than not, you pretty much knew everyone who was on your BL, not because you guys were so close, but because over time you became very familiar with their AIM profiles. Yes, we’re bringing back the profile. Remember how important it was to update this weekly if not daily? Your substitute teacher just sang “Who Let the Dogs Out” in the middle of class? OMG that has to go in my profile. English class period 6 LOLZ. Your BFF Sam tried to ask your science teacher when the test and the practical were but instead asked “Mrs. Gordon, when is the testicle?” Now that’s going in my profile. LOLZ Sammyy <3.

Of course after the 15-20 bulleted point list of HILARIOUS inside jokes, it was absolutely necessary to insert a very lighthearted and age-appropriate lyrical quote about love. Common ones included, “My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won’t you kill me, so I die happy”  and of course, “And will you tell all your friends you’ve got your gun to my head. This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking. ” If you did not have a boyfriend at the time, it was still socially acceptable and most of the time encouraged to choose quotes that showed you are vulnerable and had the slightest clue what the fuck these songs were about and yet had only a slightly suicidal vibe.

However, if you did have a boyfriend or were with a guy who you wanted to date, there was nothing you looked forward to more—besides next spring’s collection of SoLow—than putting your boyfriend‘s name, in pink, with a heart, your anniversary date, and a few tildes, at the bottom of your profile. ~~ Bryan <3 2/14/03 ~~ Sure, after seeing this at the bottom of your Info someone could potentially confuse this sign of affection for a declaration of death, but who gives a shit? You’re the one with a boy’s name on your profile. Omg BRYAN’S DEAD!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?

NY152? The number of people who think he looks like Clark Gable. 152 people who think he looks like a clark bar.

And of course we can’t forget to mention Picture Trails. Before Facebook, betches needed a place to upload their pictures so that all their friends’ friends could see how much of an amazing time we always had at camp, school, and vaca. We also can’t forget to take this last second to delve into the most amazing thing since Twitter, the away message.

Whether you were stepping away from your computer just to go downstairs, pretending like you had other things to do than sit at your computer, or were trying to ignore someone, you would always put up an away message. Because you spent your days after school on AIM checking and rechecking the away message of every single one of your buddies, drafting the perfect away message was a high-skilled craft at which the only smartest of betches excelled. Feeling melancholy? Throw in any quote from Simple Plan and/or the Titanic. Only stepping away for a second and don’t want your crush to think you left? Brb. Have to shit really bad? Out to lunch!

But remember betches, technology always changes but the game stays the same. Just like with texting or friending, true betches were never the IMers, they were always the IMed. And everyone knows MSN was for fatties and foreigners.

Head Pro also loves curvy women, but he doesn’t talk about it so that makes him a cool feminist or whatever. Watch as he doesn’t talk about his love for big beautiful ladies on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Is there anything more #inspirational than the love shared between a man and a voluptuous, pear-shaped woman? Yes. Like, literally so many things. But Robbie Trip doesn’t seem to think so, which is why last week he posted the following stupid Instagram picture:

Somehow this went viral, and the normal cycle took hold: Outlets like HuffPost thought it was inspiring, and countless articles praised this man for having the temerity to be attracted to the woman he willingly married. But then as it so often does, BuzzFeed got ahold of it and ruined it. Something about the BuzzFeed article caused Twitter, the most vile website on Earth, to give Robbie the mocking he so righteously deserved.

I love this woman and her curvy body. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones w pic.twitter.com/j7a6NOp8UJ

— Scaachi (@Scaachi) August 4, 2017

I would dump a guy so quickly for patting himself on the back for having the audacity to date me https://t.co/RLpzhohTzV

— Kat Blaque (@kat_blaque) August 4, 2017

I have had too many creepy men tweet @ me saying how hot they think I am & how they’d date me. The expectation is that I’ll be flattered..

— Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) August 6, 2017

The shift in public opinion, which happened in about the time it would take you to hungoverly stream a season of Laguna Beach, is a good example of how the internet makes things bad. We all have opinions and preferences. I, too, am not repulsed by women on the thicky-thicc end of the spectrum, for example. But when you make a point of coming out and saying so without solicitation, you’ve invited people to pick apart your statement based on its merits.

In this case, the internet correctly arrived at the opinion that making a point to express an opinion that shouldn’t be controversial isn’t heroic, it makes you an asshole. Good for you for loving your wife with her “cute little side roll”, dude. Anyone who would normally care already knew that.

But in an extremely satisfying turn of events, there’s another reason to hate Robbie (and his courageously not-stick-thin wife): they’re terrible fucking people.

Exhibit A: The rest of Robbie’s Instagram, where he posts shit like this constantly.

“Dreamchasing” isn’t a word, bro. He has a solid 55k followers from posting shit like this, which tells me that we will absolutely deserve it when North Korea finally nukes us into oblivion.

Exhibit B: Robbie gave the worst TEDx talk in history.

Linked from his Instagram profile is a video of Robbie giving a TEDx talk, which already makes him a huge asshole. But then I found out that it’s called “Why Millennial Narcissists Are Changing The World,” and I started to get mad.

And then he opened the talk by saying “I was born in the year of our fresh prince, 1990,” and my fucking head exploded into vapor. Literally nothing about this does anything to dispel the notion that we are the worst generation.

Exhibit C: Robbie and his tremendous wife already Milkshake Ducked themselves.

If, unlike me, you don’t spend hours each day losing brain cells on Twitter and are thus unfamiliar with “milkshake duck,” it comes from the following tweet, and I am gleeful to report that it could not be more literally applicable to this situation.

So if there’s anyone still out there who thinks Robbie (and his wife) are an inspiration, strap the fuck in:

the whole internet loves thick milkshake duck, the duck that’s not afraid to admit that it loves a thick milkshake

*five seconds later*: pic.twitter.com/Ft91257mXu

— (@nomchompsky) August 4, 2017

Yeah, ol’ Rob and his wife are boilerplate Trump supporter types, it seems. There was more, but since he went viral he’s been deleting with the fury of a thousand armies. Isn’t it a little odd that a man who’s willing to accept the praise for one of his convictions (to the point where now he’s posting screenshots of positive responses) isn’t willing to stand by the rest of them?

No, it’s not odd at all, because everything is awful and these people are the worst. 

Head Pro also loves curvy women, but he doesn’t talk about it so that makes him a cool feminist or whatever. Watch as he doesn’t talk about his love for big beautiful ladies on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.