If you have been rolling your eyes and tuning out every time your Reddit-user friend has talked about Bitcoin for the past few years, it might be time to start paying attention. The
invisible money digital currency is now worth over $16,000 (yes, really), and is increasing in value faster than the Kardashians can reproduce. This time last year, one Bitcoin was worth $759. Today it is worth $16,000+. That’s like your Sacagawea dollar being worth $1 million…or something. So if that Reddit friend is single, you should probably consider him a viable dating option, and if you wish anything you owned could turn that kind of profit, you should probably stop buying shoes and start investing in cryptocurrency.
So how does a betch get some of that friend’s Bitcoin money? Here is a quick guide to wtf it is and how you can jump on the crypto train.
WTF is Bitcoin?
Unlike a physical coin that is stored in your car’s cupholder and worth absolutely nothing (parking meters don’t even want that shit anymore), Bitcoin is a decentralized currency that is stored on the internet and worth thousands. It’s not tied to a government, which means while Trump decreases the value of the dollar by being a terrible and entirely incompetent president, smart people all over the world are turning to Bitcoin and its cryptocurrency protégés to protect the future of the world’s economy.
Where TF Does Bitcoin Come From?
Bitcoins live on the blockchain, a magical place where information is shared but can’t be falsified (aka a world without identity theft or The Fat Jewish), and they are created by developers who mine for coins online. It’s virtual mining for engineers, so they get rich instead of the black lung, Pop. It’s harder to mine a Bitcoin than it is to print a Benjamin, so again—worth more than the dollar. (TBH, I don’t totally get this part, but I also don’t know where “the internet” or my need to listen to the new Taylor Swift album comes from—I just know that it’s real and has seriously improved my quality of life.)
WTF Can I Use It For?
Wtf do adults use their Google stock for? To rub it in Yahoo! stockholders’ faces and to put money in something that will actually gain value over time (your savings account ain’t doing the trick, honey). You can also book your next vacation on Expedia or buy your next couch on overstock.com and say, “This hotel room only cost me 1/30th of a Bitcoin,” or something equally obnoxious.
Should You Fucking Buy It?
I’m a Betches writer, not a finance expert, but if you weren’t lucky enough to have a techie boyfriend give you Bitcoin as a breakup gift when it was worth $300 like I was, it might be a bit late to invest. Shit’s at an all-time high, and some think the Bitcoin bubble is about to burst—but if your FOMO is stronger than you are fiscally conservative, you can get in on the game here.
I Can’t Fucking Afford That!
Yeah, me neither. Lucky for us, cryptocurrency (not unlike the LBD) isn’t going out of style, and new and improved versions are popping up all the time. So if you caught the crypto bug, or you want to play with your money like This is Us plays with our emotions, may I suggest putting Ethereum on your Christmas list. It’s like Bitcoin but arguably smarter and at $457 a piece, definitely more affordable (P.S. its value has grown over 6,000% in one year).
Think of it this way: Bitcoin is Beyoncé today and Ethereum is Beyoncé of Destiny’s Child. Sure, everyone worships her now, but it’d be a lot cooler if you knew she would be queen back when she was asking if we could pay her bills.
Images: Christine Roy / Unsplash; Giphy (5)