I Gave Up Caffeine, Alcohol, Dairy, Sugar, Gluten & Joy In Pursuit Of Goop’s Idea Of ‘Wellness’

In the spirit of trying to live my best life and be healthy or whatever, I decided it was time to do something drastic, like not eat junk food for five days. With that said, I would like to take this moment to apologize to everyone that I interacted with this past week as I was without caffeine, and honestly we knew the risks. I can’t be held accountable for my actions during that time. 

In looking for inspiration, I turned to the pioneer of influencers peddling questionable “wellness” tactics: the one, the only, Gwyneth Paltrow. When you want vague promises of “detoxifying” your body, a bizarre approach that may or may not harm you, and candles that smell like your vagina, you go to Goop—and it did not disappoint. In my searching, I discovered Goop’s Annual New Year Detox, a five-day detox that’s free of caffeine, alcohol, dairy, gluten, corn, nightshades, soy, refined sugar, shellfish, white rice, and eggs, and apparently joy. While this sounds intense, and it kind of is, it’s important to note that this is a detox and not a diet, meaning that the purpose of this week is to reset your body and mind for a healthier lifestyle, not lose weight. And it’s also important to note that this is NOT Goop’s COVID “detox”, which health experts have warned could potentially be harmful. With that in mind, join me on my journey of becoming America’s Next Top Wellness Influencer, and see how I did for the week.

Start: Sunday Prep

Sunday funday! Sike, Sundays are for grocery shopping and meal prepping. Goop provides you with a shopping list, but they also invite you to make substitutions and to alter the detox to whatever works for you. They say, “Embrace the swaps and tweaks that make sense for your tastes, your body, and your lifestyle. Opt for some store-bought shortcuts and let them bring you joy.” Furthermore, Goops acknowledges that all the dietary restrictions aren’t necessarily realistic for everyone, and permits you to customize it to your lifestyle. Goop states, “Eat more if you’re hungry. Eat a little less if you’re full. Listen to your body. Maybe eliminating all of the above is too much and you just want to see what happens when you remove dairy from your diet for five days.” I kept this in mind when I did my shopping, because in my humble opinion, there’s no need to buy a whole bottle of something just to use one teaspoon, unless you have a Paltrow-level paycheck. 

While meal prepping is not a required step, it does help in making the first detox day slightly less overwhelming. I started by marinating my chicken, no big deal, and then chopped up all my veggies for the next day. Excuse me while I go accept my Food Network award for culinary excellence.

Day One: Monday

Detox At A Glance:

Day one, I am energized and ready to go. Ok, maybe not “energized” because this detox cuts out caffeine, but I am enthusiastic and eager to start! Every morning begins with a mug of warm water and lemon, which is great for me, because I already do that most mornings. The real first challenge is the Chocolate Cherry Almond Smoothie. Mine consisted of frozen cherries (duh), frozen cauliflower florets, seeds galore, almond butter, sea salt, water, a quarter of a banana, and a dash of mocha collagen powder. So not exactly the Goop recipe, but again, alter to your desire. I swapped out the date for a bit of banana, upped the seed count from a Teaspoon to a Tablespoon of each kind, and added mocha collagen powder instead of cacao powder, because that’s what I already had on hand. The taste? Actually really good! Don’t let the cauliflower deter you, it blends in really well and you don’t even taste it—I think the banana also helped in masking that veggie flavor.

Because I wasn’t super hungry after my mid-morning smoothie, I opted to just make the soup for lunch, and save the curried chickpea salad and bread combo for another day. Honestly, making soup on a rainy day, I felt like I was Martha Stewart. The soup making process was surprisingly easy, and I followed the recipe as listed. As for the soup itself? Unnecessary. I get that this was supposed to be a sneaky way to eat all your greens, but it really was just glorified baby food. The flavor was totally fine, savory and a little salty, but the texture was just not great. Plus, and I get that I was fairly warned with it being called Everything Green Soup, but it was really really green—no thanks. 

Up next was the Super Seedy Apple Rings. Way better, it’s just apple slices with almond butter dipped in some seeds. Standard, simple, and delicious.

Lastly was the Miso Chicken with Cucumbers and Furikake. I let the chicken breast marinate in the miso for 24 hours as recommended, patted off the excess miso, and threw it in a pan. In lieu of furikake, I sprinkled a little Everything But the Bagel seasoning over my cucumbers, which wasn’t that far off from the intended seasoning. Overall, chicken paired with brown rice and cucumbers is basic, healthy, and filling—not too shabby for the first day.

Day Two: Tuesday

Detox At A Glance:

I miss my morning coffee, but I’m powering through. This breakfast was my favorite hands down, because it’s just avocado toast, a staple in my normal diet. I could live off of this every day. I went rogue and mixed my avocado with a little lemon juice and salt and pepper, then added a generous sprinkle of chia seeds, red pepper flakes, and a few cherry tomatoes on top. *Chef’s kiss*. Lunch was easy; I simply heated up the leftover miso chicken, no biggie. However, I have a bone to pick with this so-called Rooibos Almond Latte. Apparently Rooibos is a tea, the almond referred to almond milk and almond butter, and the latte part was… nothing! There wasn’t any coffee, not even decaf. I’m sorry, but you cannot call something a latte that contains zero coffee! Goop did me dirty on that one. They got my hopes up and played with my emotions for some tea with almond milk. The nerve. It was fine, but I drank it with contempt. 

For dinner, I made some more minor adjustments. I am not a fish person, or really even a seafood person, it’s just not my thing. So, instead of haddock, I used chicken breast. This is a classic sheet pan meal, toss it all on the pan and let the oven do the work. The salsa verde was also super basic and easy to throw together. I give it a thumbs up! It’s fresh and healthy without feeling like it’s diet food. I would totally order something like this at a restaurant, just maybe with a margarita.

Day Three: Wednesday

Detox At A Glance:

Did I mention that I miss my coffee yet? Because it’s day three and I’m not not cranky. I’m into the routine at this point: wake up, warm water with lemon, check. Breakfast though, breakfast was interesting. I had to take a separate trip over to Whole Foods, aka a whole paycheck to pick up this small pack of fonio, which is a grain that is similar to couscous. I opted to blend it after heating in a saucepan to achieve that porridge-like consistency, and it was great—at first. But then it oddly solidified. I don’t know if I didn’t stir in enough almond milk, but something happened where it turned into this block of goo. Not overly appetizing. This could be user error, but I’m hesitant moving forward. 

After a lackluster breakfast, I am looking forward to lunch. And what’s on the menu? Baby food soup—ugh. Hard pass. Luckily, I still have the curried chickpea salad to try. Fingers crossed! Verdict is, it’s okay. Is it my favorite thing that I’ve had so far? No, but it’s still good, and relatively easy to make, so I’ll take the W. I mashed the majority of my chickpeas, because I prefer a creamier, hummus-like consistency, but to each their own. 

Then, like the previous day, apples and almond butter for a snack, super chill. Time for dinner, and to be honest, I’m a little sick of cooking at this point. I know it’s only day three, but having to cook four meals a day, every day, is a lot. I miss takeout. Anyway, I pretended I was on Chopped and made the fastest meal ever. Once again, I made another substitution, and swapped the sweet potato for some chicken breast, because I have the taste buds of a 10-year-old and I’m not a fan of sweet potatoes. But I did eat the cauliflower rice, so like, I semi-adulted. This was good, similar to your standard power bowl. Nothing to write home about, but the chicken paired with the pickled cabbage was a good call! 

Day Four: Thursday

Detox At A Glance:

Home stretch! I am feeling good, feeling healthy, missing my pizza delivery guy—shout-out Sal—but I feel light and clean. This morning is laid-back—I love my lemon water, and I love my cherry smoothie, all good there. Lunch was also a relaxed event, which after being tired of cooking, was ideal. But can you guess what my swap was this time? If you rolled your eyes and said sweet potatoes, then you are correct! Instead of making a sweet potato hummus, I opted for a store bought organic avocado hummus with a side of veggies, which was freaking awesome. I also made my “latte” at the same time and “enjoyed” it simultaneously. By now I am somewhat recovered from my cooking burnout, and can handle making the stew for dinner. Like with most things in this detox, the prep isn’t overly difficult, though the end result isn’t overly great. It’s good enough to have a healthy dinner. All in all, I would say it was a fairly successful meal day. 

Day Five: Friday

 

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Detox At A Glance:

Today is the last day of this detox, and I am proud to say that I successfully survived the week, and I did it all without caffeine. I will pause for your applause—thank you. At this point, I have accepted my destiny as a wellness influencer, and will now look down on others as they eat their french fries and pizzas—just kidding, I’m totally getting McNuggets tomorrow, but I’ll wash them down with a green juice, because balance. 

The menu for this day was a round of celebratory courses. To start, I had avocado toast instead of the fonio, because I know what I like. I then finished off the leftover stew, thus eliminating all traces of this week’s meals in the fridge. Followed that with more avocado hummus, which I will continue to eat all day, every day, till the end of time. Lastly, I had one final recipe to try out: the Veggie Fritters with Avocado Cilantro Sauce. This one was worth the wait. Easy prep, I utilized a bag of store-bought organic slaw, and easy execution, as all you had to do was form the fritters and toss them on a pan for a few minutes. I may have slightly burned my fritters, but the flavor was still incredible, and the sauce was unmatched. I can confidently say that I would make this meal again. Seriously, 10/10—and I never thought I would say that about something where the main ingredient was vegetables.

Post-Detox Thoughts

Reflecting on the week, I wouldn’t say I feel completely detoxified, but I did prove to myself that I could go five days without coffee, pizza, or a midnight Kit Kat—so I considered that much a success! Basically, I ate healthy for a week and it didn’t kill me. It’s not fun, but it’s completely doable, and probably necessary every once in a while. My main takeaways? I don’t super enjoy cooking and a caffeine-free diet is not for me—and is also not for the well-being of everyone around me (again, so sorry). This new year reset was essentially a crash course in how to not order off the kid’s menu for a week—which isn’t a bad life hack.   

In the end, what I loved most about this detox plan was how flexible it was. There was no guilt in making substitutions or swapping out a meal. At no point did I ever feel like “I blew my diet” because I changed it around to make it more suitable to my tastes and needs. That’s the beauty of a detox versus a diet, yes you may still drop a few pounds, but you don’t feel deprived or guilty for altering the regimen. While I wouldn’t recommend 100% of the provided recipes (looking at you, baby food soup), I would favor a healthy detox every once in a while to refresh the body and the mind. Not anytime soon, but let’s talk again this time next year!

Images:

Artem Labunsky / Unsplash; Giphy; dietstartstomorrrow / Instagram
The Most Ridiculous Products On Goop’s Website

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a decade since Gwyneth Paltrow launched Goop in 2008, but it’s really been a journey. She said at the Golden Globes that she’s “semi-retired from acting,” which is sad, but considering all the Goop-related things on her plate, it makes sense. Last week, she announced that Goop is getting a Netflix show (review coming later this month), and over the weekend, she went viral for a new product on her site: a Vagina-scented candle.

If you rolled your eyes when you first heard about this, congratulations, that was the correct response. But after the initial shock wore off, my curiosity got the best of me. I found myself on the Goop site for the better part of an hour, scrolling through pages and pages of products that I either can’t afford, can’t imagine myself using, or both. If you want to browse Goop for fun, I highly recommend sorting price high-low, because it’s a great laugh, and probably the only time in your life you’ll be able to to that. But if you have actual important stuff going on in your life, I’ve rounded up some of the most ridiculous products you can buy from Goop. Sit back, relax, and prepare to feel poor.

This Smells Like My Vagina Candle – $75

As I mentioned, this candle recently went viral, and has subsequently sold out. Good for Gwyneth. I feel like selling out a candle that’s allegedly vagina-scented means you’ve reached the highest level of getting people to buy into your bullsh*t, and it’s honestly impressive. Like, you know every single person who bought this just did it for the hype, and that’s more powerful than any scent. Speaking of the scent, it’s kind of hilarious how much this got blown out of proportion. The site clearly states that the candle is made with “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed,” so like… I think the name is just a gimmick. Whatever, it worked. Does this candle smell good? Who knows. Do I want one? Absolutely.

Gold Handcuffs – $425

Anyone who’s gotten into kinky sex has probably tried handcuffs (or at least thought about it), but yours were probably like, $20 max. Or maybe you balled out and spent a little more on some legit metal ones, but chances are you didn’t drop $425 to humor your boyfriend’s bondage fantasy. But if that’s what you’re looking for, then these 24k gold-plated handcuffs are exactly what you need. Look, I like nice things as much as the next person, but I feel very confident that shelling out for gold handcuffs isn’t going to make your sex life better. Rich people are weird.

Olga Vibrator- $3,490

If you liked the gold handcuffs, you’ll go crazy for the $3,490 gold dildo. In terms of pleasure, I won’t knock it because I can’t afford to try it, but I do feel like an orgasm can only feel so good. Like, there has to be a maximum amount of pleasure a person can experience, whether you’re spending $30 or three grand. But I guess this can double as a really fancy paper weight too, so like, go for it.

Gold Chrona Chandelier Earrings – $43,200

Look, I know the stuff for sale on Goop’s site isn’t meant to be affordable, but even this feels like a bit much. Actually, a lot much. These earrings cost a whopping $43,200, which is uncomfortably similar to what I make in a year. I can’t imagine they actually sell a lot of these, because people who buy this level of jewelry probably have like, private jewelers who like, come to their house with a briefcase or some sh*t. I saw Uncut Gems, so I know how this works. But there’s only one pair of these earrings in stock currently, so hop on that.

Firewood Tote – $499

I hate it when I go chop down a tree, and then I have to carry the firewood back with my hands like a peasant! Thankfully, Goop sells this chic leather firewood tote for a cool $499. Gwyneth Paltrow is out her changing lives with this sh*t. This tote can also hold the firewood once you get it inside, but let’s be honest, if you can afford this, it probably won’t go with your living room aesthetic. Maybe you can keep it in the servant’s quarters?

Platine Casserole Dish – $1,220

You thought your cousin was stuck up for asking for some $60 pots and pans on her wedding registry, but just be glad she didn’t ask for this $1,220 casserole dish. That’s right, you can spend over a grand on a CASSEROLE DISH. Do people even make casseroles? I’m really asking, I know nothing about cooking. Before you click on the link, no, this isn’t made out of silver, or gold, or diamonds—it’s titanium and brass. Idk, seems like a scam to me, I’ll just keep spending way too much on Seamless.

Jade Egg – $66

Of course, I couldn’t write this article without including what is perhaps the most infamous Goop product: the jade egg. Last fall, Goop was slapped with a $145,000 fine for making unsubstantiated claims about the benefits of sticking these eggs up your vagina, but they’re still for sale on the website. Making far-fetched claims isn’t a good idea, but what’s even worse is that gynecologists have said that using jade eggs is actually harmful. This might be the least expensive product on this list, but I still think it’s the most ridiculous.

Please, please, please comment or DM me with your favorite Goop nonsense, because I could talk about this sh*t for days. In the mean time, I’ll just be busy trying not to spend my entire paycheck on crystals that definitely don’t work.

Images: Goop (7)

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We Went Through Kourtney Kardashian’s New Site, POOSH, So You Don’t Have To

For weeks, Kourtney Kardashian has been teasing POOSH, her mysterious new lifestyle project. We explored some of the possibilities of what POOSH could be, but now we can finally stop wondering. POOSH officially launched today and…it’s basically just Kardashian-themed Goop. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I was hoping for something a little more exciting than this. I’m actually a little salty, because I signed up for the email list to be notified about the launch, and then I never even got an email! I really need to be on top of the latest POOSH news, so I feel like Kourtney and her team have let me down. But whatever, I’m still addicted to this sh*t. In honor of all of Kourtney’s hard work and dedication poured into this project, let’s take a little tour of the POOSH site and see what her new lifestyle brand has to offer.

Upon heading to POOSH.com, the first thing showcased on the homepage is an interview with one other than Kris Jenner. The title of the post is “Kris Jenner On What It Takes To Be A Boss,” except they’re trying to do something interesting with the capitalization of words, so the title is actually “KRIS JENNER on What It TAKES To Be A BOSS.” I’m tired already, and I haven’t even watched the 11-minute video interview yet. The video is actually super awkward, because Kourt and Kris are sitting on a couch that’s obviously like, in the corner of one of their houses. The audio quality sounds like they’re underwater, and it’s obvious that this sh*t has a lower production budget than Kylie’s makeup tutorials.

In the interview, Kris yells at someone who coughs off camera, and she also shares some important info on how she’s such a boss. Here’s a quick rundown of what Kris Jenner’s typical morning looks like:

So basically, her life is just like yours! I’m sorry, but if I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to be a boss bitch, it’s just never going to happen for me. I could get down with glam every morning, but that wakeup time just isn’t meant for me. After watching Kris’ mildly insightful interview, I looked at the “Related Article” suggestions, and quickly noticed that every single one is about Kourtney. Here’s a sampling of POOSH’s groundbreaking content:

“What Kourt Does Before a Big Night Out”

“Clean Beauty Products Kourt Uses Every Day”

“How Co-Sleeping Has Worked For My Family”

“The Items Kourt Always Travels With”

“Kourt And Her Friends Get A Dr. Diamond Insta-Facial”

All of these sound like great articles, but instead, I decide to check out Kourt’s “TRAVEL DIARY: Punta De Mita.” Kourtney is rich AF, so are her travel diaries stuff she actually does, or are they meant to be more accessible? Turns out, the answer is NEITHER! Kourt’s “Travel Diary” consists of two short paragraphs about how much she loves Mexico, and then a bunch of pictures of her in various swimsuits. She does say the name of the resort she stayed at, but that is the only piece of useful information in the entire post. If you’re looking for a travel guide that’s more than 160 words, check out our new Vegas Bachelorette Guide—take notes, Kourtney!

After learning about all the natural wonders of Punta De Mita, I only have the mental capacity for one more of these articles, so after scrolling past “Cool Books For Your Coffee Table” and “Ingredient Spotlight: Turmeric,” I decide to check out an article titled “How to LOOK GOOD NAKED.” (More of that capitalization I love!) Aside from telling me to hit the gym several hundred times, I’m eager to find out what tips Kourt has for tricking people into thinking I’m hot.

In the intro, Kourtney reminds us that “the most important thing to remember is to love the skin you’re in,” and the way to do this is apparently by buying a lot of stuff. The article is a glorified product list that’s split into five wildly varied categories: Scrubs, Body Creams, Hydration, Lighting, and Posture. The “Lighting” section is just a bunch of candles, so clearly the secret to looking good naked is to be in a completely dark room. Finally, a piece of advice I can actually use! Almost all of the candles are over $50, so looking good naked comes at a cost. Thanks for the hot tips, Kourt!

Throughout the site, there’s consistently a banner ad for the POOSH Instagram account, and it’s deeply unsettling. It says “WE GIVE GOOD GRAM” (not a thing), and is accompanied by a couple poorly outlined cutouts of lips. Are they Kourtney’s lips? Why? I’m not going to follow POOSH on Instagram for a multitude of reasons (mostly my ratio), but these lips are really not doing anything to persuade me.

Overall, my impression of POOSH is not that positive, but not that negative either. Basically, it’s the same thing the Kardashians tried to do a few years ago when they all had their own apps, but now it’s in website form. At least this time it’s free. I won’t deny that Kourtney is in great shape, has a great life, and seems to be reasonably knowledgable about living a healthy lifestyle, whatever that means. I’m not sure she’s a gifted writer or interviewer, but she’s rich enough to do what she wants. For me, the main issue is that I’m never going to feel okay about saying the word “POOSH” out loud.

Images: @kourtneykardashian / Instagram; POOSH / YouTube; POOSH (2)

Courts To Gwyneth: Stop Trying To Make “Vaginal Eggs” Happen

It’s said that everything the Trump administration does is a distraction from something more important going on and this week was no different. That NYTimes op-ed? Clearly a distraction from the drama going down in the Vaginal Jade Egg community. Wellness Guru and professional middle part-er Gwyneth Paltrow has settled with California prosecutors over falsely advertising the scientific benefits of sticking rocks in your p*ssy. And if that’s not the most 2018 thing you’ve ever read, IDK what is.

 
Paltrow’s company Goop (a name so bad only a beautiful rich white lady can get away with it) claimed that jade and quartz eggs, should you insert them in your hoo-ha, would “balance hormones, increase bladder control and regulate menstrual cycles” and that another item, Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend, “could help prevent depression.”

While in theory, these benefits all sound rather nice, the California courts pointed out that there was no scientific evidence behind them. It’s sort of like a drunk girl in a bathroom promising you the world and then when you’re like wait, what do you mean you can get me free drinks for the night *poof* she’s gone.

GOOP settled with the courts and paid $145,000, which honestly is just the cost of three vaginal eggs and a Flower Essence Blend added up. They’re still selling the two eggs, but the Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend has disappeared from the website. The company simply changed the description of the eggs and are no longer promising that they’ll (Iyanla) Fix Your Life.

So readers, go nuts and stick whatever you want up your vag, just know that science might not be on your side. But Gwyneth always will.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images via Giphy (3)

I Ate Like Gwyneth Paltrow For A Day And I’m Still Hungry

People give Gwyneth Paltrow a hard time for her alternative wellness methods and her super organic diet, but she’s obviously doing something right. Like, this woman is literally the face of all things healthy, and she looks better in her mid-forties than I do in my early twenties. I mean, Gwyneth has admitted she’d “rather die” than let her kid eat Cup-a-Soup. Those words straight-up came out of her mouth. It seems extra, but let’s not forget that kid’s name is Apple. But is Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet realistic for the normal person? I decided to find out firsthand.

The Experiment

For this experiment, I decided to eat like Gwyneth for a day. Well, I actually considered doing a full week, but by the end one day one, I was over it and was severely craving a piece of milk chocolate. But more on that later.

I studied up on Gwyneth’s wellness company, Goop, and I even bought one of Gwyneth’s cookbooks, filled with some of her go-to recipes. I also read about her tragic dietary restrictions, but more on that later, too. I stocked my fridge with organic veggies and farm-raised fish, and lived a day according to Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet. Here’s how it went:

Breakfast

The first thing you should know is that I cheated before 9am. I’m sorry, but I just really needed a coffee. Because of her food sensitivities, Gwyneth tries to stay away from all caffeine, alcohol, dairy, gluten, corn, nightshade vegetables, soy, sugar, shellfish, white rice, and eggs. So, basically everything sold in a grocery store. I told myself I’d stick to Gwyneth’s rules all day, but caffeine would be my one cheat. I feel bad about it, but it was one cup. Let’s move on.

Gwyneth says she starts every day with a green juice that she makes from scratch at home. She calls it “The Best Green Juice” and it consists of kale, apple, lemon, mint, and ginger. I personally don’t own a juicer, but I conveniently live down the street from Pressed Juicery, so I bought a bottled green juice with those ingredients. For $6.50 it wasn’t bad, but it also wasn’t good.

Aside from her green juice and some supplements, Gwyneth doesn’t eat a real breakfast. This was sad for me to learn because as I mentioned in my Intermittent Fasting experiment article, I love breakfast. Gwyneth snacks occasionally, which was good news for me because I was still starving after the juice. She likes to eat raw almonds soaked in water, since apparently regular dry almonds are hard to digest. I ate my wet almonds while my tummy rumbled. It was a sad morning.

Lunch

Finally, lunch. Gwyneth likes to eat a “low-carb lunch,” and it’s usually a salad. I wasn’t mad about this because salad is my preferred lunch anyway. In fact, Sweetgreen recently sent me a branded SG hat and a pin for spending so much money at their establishment. You’re welcome, Sweetgreen.

So anyway, knowing I would cook something from Gwyneth’s cookbook for dinner, I decided to pick up a salad for lunch and make it as Gwyneth-esque as possible. I chose a custom salad with kale, romaine, butternut squash, quinoa, apples, carrots, and broccoli. I went with just olive oil and a lemon squeeze for the dressing, and obviously no bread, because *low-carb.*

Snack

The salad was good, but I got hungry again couple hours later. I started browsing through the Goop website to see if I could find a snack Gwyneth would approve of. I was craving something sweet, so a post about sweet potatoes caught my eye. I love sweet potatoes, so if Gwyneth snacks on sweet potatoes, it was happening.

I sliced a Japanese sweet potato, which are the ones that are purple on the outside and white on the inside (game-changer, by the way), and I popped it in the oven at 400 degrees. It sat in the oven for 35 minutes, and I ate it in three minutes. I immediately regretted not making more.

Dinner

By dinnertime, I was frankly quite tired of this lifestyle. I’m usually a healthy eater, but even some of my fav daily staples like eggs and Greek yogurt weren’t allowed because of Gwyneth’s food sensitivities. I did some more stalking on Gwyneth’s daily routine, and it turns out she doesn’t actually follow this diet all the time. Although her doctor tells her what to eat and what not to eat, she lets herself have red wine and carbs when she wants. She even Instagrammed a picture recently of some cheesy pasta dish that looked bomb (but that I’m not completely convinced she actually ate). But most of the time, it’s lean proteins and veggies and wet almonds.

For my dinner, I decided to find a simple fish recipe in her the cookbook, It’s All Easy. Turns out it’s not actually A easy. I flipped through the book and looked for a recipe that involved the least amount of prep time and the least amount of ingredients. Call me an over-achiever.

I settled on the Nicoise Petrale Sole, which sounds super fancy and complicated, but it’s really just a white fish prepared with capers, cherry tomatoes, olives, basil, white wine, olive oil, and some salt and pepper. I let it bake in the oven at 400 degrees for about 12 minutes, and then enjoyed my dinner. It was actually really good. Usually I’d roast some veggies on the side, but apparently Gwyneth doesn’t eat “nightshade vegetables” and I didn’t feel like exploring the depths of Google to find out what would be allowed and what wouldn’t.

I had an apple with almond butter for dessert and started daydreaming about the Venti cold brew and bowl of oatmeal I would inhale the next morning. Sorry Gwyneth.

The Takeaway

Gwyneth is obviously killing it, and if this lifestyle is the reason for her insane bod and glowing skin, there’s obviously something to it. But I think it’s also important to keep in mind that Gwyneth drops a ton of time and money on fitness trainers, massage therapists, acupuncturists, estheticians, and other professionals. Although I enjoyed everything I ate (excluding the wet almonds), I was still pretty hungry after each meal, and all I wanted was an afternoon iced coffee. It’s obviously not the diet for me, but some of her recipes look amazing and I’m down to try a few others. But like, only the easy ones. Don’t push it.

Images: Giphy (8)

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Already Being Annoying About Her Engagement

Everyone knows at least one person who has to make some big statement every time something happens in their life. Whether it’s up or down, they are clearly the wisest person in the room, and they make sure you know it. Well, Gwyneth Paltrow is engaged, and she has things to say!

You probably remember how, in 2014, Gwyneth made the whole world collectively roll their eyes when she got divorced from Chris Martin. She invented the phrase “conscious uncoupling,” because I guess saying “getting divorced” is too pedestrian, and honestly we’re still annoyed by it. But now Gwyneth says that it just took some time for her to contextualize her divorce, and “to reframe that divorce isn’t a failure.”

Her quotes come from the second issue of GOOP magazine, which Gwyneth is naturally on the cover of. She appears with her new fiancé Brad Falchuk, who is most well known for producing Glee and American Horror Story. Brad and Gwyneth met back when she was a guest star on Glee, so I guess that show didn’t suck for everyone after season 2.

In the GOOP article, Gwyneth says that at midlife, she has “tried to accept how complex romantic love can be.” Okay, someone really wants her own talk show. She’s also “accepted the soul-stretching, pattern-breaking opportunities that (terrifyingly) are made possible by intimacy.” Girl, what? In her engagement announcement, she also used the word “juncture,” so really she’s officially canceled.

Of course we wish Gwyneth and Brad the best with whatever the fuck kind of annoying wedding they plan to have, where people will probably have to take off their shoes and drink weird herbal tea. Maybe one day Gwyneth will act normal again, but it certainly won’t be today.

Read: The Worst Wedding Trends We Can Expect To See In 2018
 
The Most Absurd Items From Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP Gift Guide

Head Pro would gladly accept any of these items. Email him your credit card number at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Ladies and gentlemen, iiiiiittt’sss TIMEEE… to break out your $800 platinum-plated vibrators, because the annual GOOP holiday gift guide is here, i.e. the only time upper-crust ladies feel anything approaching erotic stimulation outside of flirting with the valet at Equinox. Once again, Gwyneth Paltrow and her merry band of tastemakers are here to to help you, the hapless woman with too much money to spend, decide what to buy for your equally well-heeled friends, relatives, and frenemies.

This year, the ever-innovative Gwenny throws us for a loop by separating the gifts into like 75 different categories like Hostess, Lover, Health Nut, and Traveler. Leave it to Gwyneth to realize that, in the world of rich people, there’s nothing more gauche than assuming your friends could possibly have interests outside of the boxes you’ve mentally placed them in. Anyway, this is a lot of shit, but I’ll do my best to cover the bases.

Hostess Gifts

WHITE INSIEME CHEESE KNIVES, SET OF 3, $425

White Insieme Cheese Knives

Goop Says: A set of three cheese knives, handmade in the Tuscan countryside, presented in a gorgeous wooden gift box.

I say: “Thank you for inviting me to your holiday party, Sharon. Here is a set of single-purpose knives that cost more than your television.” Those Tuscans sure know their way around a cheese knife, I always say. The thing is, though, if these get me into a devil’s 3-way with cheese, salami and water crackers faster than a regular knife, then I say no price is too high.

LARGE STANDING BOWL, $110

FS Objects Large Standing Bowl

Goop Says: Use it as an unexpected display for fruits and veggies.

I say: Well, no shit it’s unexpected—it’s a fucking $110 mini pig trough that really only holds fruit. If you click through, you see it only holds, like, 4 pieces of fruit. THAT’S NOT LARGE, Gwenny.

Under-18 Gifts

J.D. SALINGER BOOK SET – CATCHER IN THE RYE DESIGN, $175

JD Salinger Gift Set

Goop Says: Anyone from a longtime fan to a new and curious reader will love these books.

I say: If I see anyone let a child or teenager anywhere near Salinger’s creepy “childhood innocence is a virtue worth preserving” bullshit, I’m calling Child Protective Services.

Dreamer Gifts

Personalized Gifts

PETITE SIGNET RING DIAMOND LETTER, $698

Sarah Chloe PETITE SIGNET RING DIAMOND LETTER

Goop Says: A goop staff favorite.

I say: I’m sorry, but who am I supposed to be buying this for? The “lovers” section is next, so it’s not for anyone I’m doing the nasty with. If not them, who? “Here mom, I spent a month’s rent to remind you of your own last name.”

SELF-INKING STAMP: COPPER + BLACK, $185

WMS Self Inking Stamp

Goop Says: This personalized stamp balances timeless-classic design with a brilliant, high-tech self-inking functionality.

I Say: It’s not even personalized! According to the product description, “it comes with a gift code and instructions for setting custom rubber imprints and the option to order extras.” Also, in what world is a self-inking stamp “high-tech?” How poorly paid are the GOOP writers?

Lovers Gifts

LACE KIMONO, $595

Fleur Du Mal Lace Kimono

Goop Says: Taking inspiration from a traditional kimono, but made extra sexy.

I Say: This is less sexy than a traditional kimono, somehow? Look, I guess absurdly expensive lingerie does it for some guys, but this isn’t even that. And if your dude has some kind of weird, Memoirs of a Geisha otaku fetish thing going on, I don’t think this is going to fulfill it. Nothing short of stuffing him into a box and mailing him to Japan will, which is the appropriate course of action.

ROSE QUARTZ EGG, $55

GOOP Rose Quartz Egg

Goop Says: Used by women to increase sexual energy—this yoni egg is made of heart-activating rose quartz, associated with positive energy and love.

I Say: Can we all agree that “yoni” is the least appealing vaginal euphemism? Anyway, if stuffing rocks in your vagina is what it takes to “activate your heart” with “positive energy and love,” you a) need either a new man or a therapist, and b) probably spend too much time on this website.

Health Nut Gifts

AMETHYST BOTTLE, $84

Amethyst Water Bottle

Goop Says: This gorgeous water bottle is made with amethyst crystal to infuse water with positive energy.

I Say: Everything GOOP sells for “health” will at best do nothing and at worst make you less healthy, but this is particularly egregious. You can’t “infuse” water with crystals, and there are multiple varieties (including the vagtastic rose quartz)—and yet, they all claim to infuse the water with “positive energy.” WHICH IS IT, GWYNETH??

MEDITATION BAND, $350

Muse Medidation Band

Goop Says: When your mind starts to wander, soothing nature sounds gently guide you back to a meditative state.

I Say: They’re ultra-expensive headphones that only play one thing. If there’s one rule to live by, it’s that the dumber your chosen path to “wellness,” the more expensive the snake oil they’ll try to sell you. I mean, look at the price of joining a CrossFit gym.

Stocking Stuffers

CLIPPER BRASS MONEY CLIP, $80

Clipper Brass Money Clip

Goop Says: Inspired by nineteenth-century paperclips, it’s geometrically sleek and functional, too.

I Say: It’s not “inspired by” paper clips, it is a fucking paper clip. Personally, I don’t trust the kind of guy who insists upon using a money clip. He has a fedora hiding somewhere, and he’s gonna drop that fucker on you at the worst possible time.

AERO PIPE, $85

Aero Pipe

Goop Says: Handmade in small batches right here in the USA.

I Say: LOL at Gwyneth selling drug paraphernalia. She’s absolutely the girl in middle school you could fool into thinking was high when all you gave her was some dry parsley to smoke. However, I must tip my hat to the enterprising stoner who figured out they could make A LOT more money selling $85 bowls to freshmen at Sarah Lawrence.

Cooking Gifts

ONDINE PLATINE CASSEROLE, $1,220

Ondine Platine Casserole

Goop Says: This toxin-free casserole dish is crafted in a titanium grade stainless steel that’s made to last a lifetime.

I Say: Jesus fucking Christ. I thought I knew fancy cookware, but this is next level shit. OF COURSE it’s one of Gwyneth’s “favorite cooking tools.” What the fuck does “toxin-free” mean in the context of a baking pan, anyway? I’m pretty sure steel is toxic as hell if you consume it, Gwyneth. You know what else lasts a lifetime? A $30 cast iron pan from the hardware store.

Pet Lover Gifts

Guy Gifts

THIS IS CAMINO, $35

This Is Camino

Goop Says: This fire-based cookbook is packed with recipes that can be easily recreated at home.

I Say: Ah yes, a fire-based cookbook, because as a man I’m both too stupid to come up with recipes and my balls will literally wither and die if I cook over anything daintier than the effigy at Burning Man. Ladies, I hope you get turned on by the sounds of your boyfriend crying over $100, hopelessly burnt prime rib roasts.

DARTBOARD & SET OF 6 DARTS, $500

Fredericks & Mae DARTBOARD & SET OF 6 DARTS

Goop Says: Bullseye.

I Say: Not included in this set? The fucking paintball gun he’ll need to keep anyone from so much as thinking about throwing an actual dart at his 500 goddamn dollar “dart board.”

Ridiculous, But Awesome Gifts

PRIVATE ISLAND IN BELIZE, $6,000,000

Belize

Goop Says: The gift of complete and total solitude.

I Say: No, you know what? Fuck this. Do not designate this shit as “ridiculous,” Gwyneth. The whole point of this gift guide is how not self-aware she is, so she doesn’t get to do this. I mean, there’s zero self-awareness to be found in $425 cheese knives as a hostess gift, but still. SELL ME on this private island, Gwyneth. I might have some change hidden in my couch cushions.

Until next year, folks, when she’ll make her gift guide somehow more onerous and difficult to navigate. I bet rich people have a secret app for it.

Head Pro would gladly accept any of these items. Email him your credit card number at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

We Explored Lindsay Lohan’s New Lifestyle Website So You Don’t Have To

If you felt your LiLo senses tingling at all over the past few days, we finally know why. The Artist Formerly Know As Cady Heron shocked everyone this week by launching her own subscription lifestyle website called “Preemium,” which is spelled with an extra e for “exclusive content.” Because most people who look at Lindsay Lohan’s lifestyle think, “Yes. This is something I would like to emulate.” That being said, LiLo has gone through a lot of transformations over the past couple of years. (Didn’t she convert to Islam at one point? It’s hard to keep up.) So it’s no surprise to hear that she apparently took an Adderall and made a website. According to Lindsay, this website is a part of her “period of renewal,” which either means she’s attempting to change her life again, or has run out of weed and needs to re-up from her dealer. Either way, the entire endeavor is delightfully shade-worthy, which is why I immediately logged in and spent a full 15 minutes (15x the amount of minutes you need on Preemium) to see what this shit is all about. You’re welcome.

Now, when one thinks “Lindsay Lohan” and “Lifestyle” a giant bag of half-snorted coke probably comes to mind, but after a brief perusal of the site today I found that it is sadly not the deep web drug purchasing app I’d hoped for. Nope. It’s actually just a lifestyle website with a bunch of pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s face. Lame.

So what exactly is Preemium? Other than Lindsay Lohan’s weird attempt at a Goop/Kardashian knockoff? Well, honestly, after a full 15 minutes of looking at it, that still remains unclear. There appears to be a “follow” feature, but as of right now there is only one person you can follow, and that person is Lindsay Lohan. Okay.

According to Lindsay, there are tons of perks to following her:

“I will give you access to all my exclusive content and tell you all my secrets and breaking news before anyone else. You will get personal diaries, video updates, exclusive personal photos, fashion and beauty tutorials, shopping guides, behind the scenes content, my favorite products and much more. To get an all-access pass to my life, Preemium is must-have for all my fans and followers”

First of all, that’s a lot of shit for one website. Considering Lindsay hasn’t showed up to set on time since 2008, I have a hard time she’s going to be able to deliver on such an intense content schedule. 

But here’s the problem, in order to see this exclusive content, you have to pay $2.99/month, which I’m 100% not doing. If I’m not going to pay $2.99 for Kylie Jenner’s app to show me how to paint a completely new face onto my current face, then I’m not paying $2.99 to look at Lindsay Lohan’s grainy selfies. Being a writer doesn’t pay enough for that. Honestly, no job pays enough for that.

Oh, and as far as the “exclusive content,” from what I can tell based on the previews, right now it’s:

A “photo shoot” in a tube station, which is obviously just one of Lindsay Lohan’s friends taking pictures of her while they wait for the train.

BTS of a “Milan photoshoot” that looks like it was a porno:

And something called #MELOVESYOU which just looks like Lindsay Lohan and someone she pays to be friends with her in a photo booth:

And that’s…it. That’s literally all you get on the website. Lindsay does say on Instagram that she’s going to be posting a lot there soon, so maybe the content will get juicier, but as of right now it’s not worth the bandwidth.

All that being said, Lindsay, I love you. You’re doing great, sweetie.