In a plot twist that absolutely everyone saw coming, it’s officially the end of the road for Bachelorette couple Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen. After weeks of speculation, a couple of emotional updates from Becca, and various sources “confirming” the breakup (and Becca seemingly un-confirming the news), Becca shared an update herself in Tuesday’s episode of the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast. In a solo segment at the end of the episode, Becca confirmed what everyone has basically known for a while now, saying “I don’t think it’s going to come as a shock to anyone, but Garrett and I have decided to end our engagement.”
She commented on the rumors and reports about her relationship status in the last couple months, saying that it’s not up to anyone but her and Garrett to comment on their relationship. She didn’t elaborate on the timeline of their split, but it’s clear that they didn’t just break up yesterday. Becca said in the last few months, she “spent a lot of time in Minnesota with family and friends,” in an effort to “gain clarity” about the best way to move forward.
Ultimately, she said, “After many conversations we came to this decision—it wasn’t something that we just arrived at one night. It wasn’t based solely off of one Instagram post, or somebody else’s opinions or comments. There’s much more to it, to any relationship, there’s a lot of layers. It’s not for me to divulge details.” Okay, so maybe Garrett’s pro-police Instagram post wasn’t the only thing that caused the breakup, but the fact that Becca is even mentioning the post suggests that it didn’t exactly help their situation.
Becca, who was fighting back tears for much of her message, didn’t express any negativity when talking about her time with Garrett. Instead, she said she’s “grateful” for the experience, and added, “We went on this crazy TV show over two years ago in hopes of finding love, and we were lucky enough that we did… we really, truly did.”
Becca and Garrett’s political differences were no secret. From the very beginning of Becca’s season, Garrett was tainted by a past of liking problematic posts on social media, and his comments earlier this summer confirmed that his views remain in solid “yikes” territory. You love who you love and all that, but hopefully the best is yet to come for Becca. Who knows what she and Garrett will do from here, but realistically we’ll probably only be paying attention to Becca. There are reports she’s been on the set of Clare/Tayshia’s season of The Bachelorette, so we may even get to see her on our TV screens this fall. Fingers crossed!
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Images: Roy Rochlin/Getty Images
It’s been almost exactly two years since we watched Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen get engaged on The Bachelorette, and much like ~the times~ we are in, things with their relationship are looking more uncertain now than ever. From the jump, Garrett and Becca had to work through some… differences of opinions on things (i.e. all those problematic social media posts he liked), but after a couple years together, it seemed like they had more or less reached some kind of understanding on their political differences. But earlier this summer, as systemic racism and police brutality received renewed attention, those divides between Becca and Garrett came to the surface once again.
Garrett’s lengthy Instagram post in support of police caused major controversy, and Becca’s friend and podcast cohost Rachel Lindsay made no secret of her feelings toward Garrett. On an episode of the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast last month, she said she doesn’t “f*ck with Garrett,” and those feelings clearly have not changed. In an appearance on Danny Pellegrino’s Everything Iconic podcast this week, Rachel didn’t hold back when asked about Garrett. “I think he’s a piece of sh*t,” she said. “I have said to , ‘I will not f*ck with him.’ He has doubled down on his beliefs. This isn’t the first time he’s had problematic behavior. When he was on the season, he had a history of ‘liking’ things that were racist, sexist, homophobic, calling the Parkland students child actors, it was a lot, so this is who this man is. And he’s a piece of sh*t to me.”
A PIECE OF SH*T. Let me tell you, the rush of serotonin I felt when I first read that quote was unlike anything I’ve felt in 2020. Thank you, Rachel, for making me feel alive. In the new interview, she provided more context for why she was so angered by Garrett’s post, and why she felt the need to address her feelings publicly. She said, “We had a podcast about diversity and what was going on in the country and her fiancé posted a Blue Lives Matter picture, and with his whole chest gave his long explanation as to why he felt that way. So I got on the podcast saying it was problematic,” and says she and Becca both “got emotional.”
Rachel says that her honesty with Becca “was great for us and our friendship,” which is a relief, since I imagine sh*tting on your friend’s man can be a touchy subject. Also, Becca being okay with Rachel’s criticism of Garrett would make even more sense if the rumors of a Becca/Garrett split are true. In her initial BLM conversation with Rachel, Becca seemed optimistic that Garrett would come around, but in the Bachelor Happy Hour episode from June 16, she gave what seemed like a grim update on her relationship status: “all I can say right now is that I don’t know.” Since then, neither Garrett nor Becca have posted or commented publicly about each other, and rumors of a split are running rampant at this point.
On this week’s podcast, Pellegrino asked Rachel about Becca’s relationship status, but she declined to answer “out of respect” for her friend. As much as I want to know the tea, there was zero chance Rachel was going to answer that question. When If Becca does break up with Garrett, I’m sure she’ll announce it on her own terms, whether that’s an Instagram post, a podcast episode, or a People exclusive (get that money, girl!). I just hope it’s soon, so we can all just forget about Garrett, and she can find someone better.
Images: Ron Adar / Shutterstock.com
If you’ve been educating yourself on racism and having difficult conversations at home, you’re not the only one—Becca Kufrin revealed on a recent episode of the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast that she’s been having conversations with her fiancé, Garrett Yrigoyen. A couple weeks ago, Garrett made a post in support of police on Instagram and received backlash, including from Bachelor alum Bekah Martinez. After the controversy, Becca Kufrin discussed the post on last week’s episode of her Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, and seemed torn. Her cohost, Rachel Lindsay, expressed how disappointing and hurtful the post was, and the resulting conversation was tense and uncomfortable.
On this Tuesday’s new episode of Bachelor Happy Hour, Becca began with a lengthy apology to Rachel and the audience, acknowledging that she “fell short” in the previous week’s episode, and that she can “do much better.” She apologized for not being fully engaged in the previous week’s conversation, saying that these topics deserved “more care and thoughtfulness.” She said that she was “gutted” to listen back to herself, and pledged that going forward, she will join Rachel as both a colleague and a friend in fighting for these important issues. She also brought up the concept of intent vs. impact, realizing that though her intention “was never to cause a divide, that is exactly what happened.” She reiterated that her words in the last episode were “very lacking,” and said that she will work harder to be aware of her privilege, and be more proactive about being informed on topics like systemic racism. Rachel accepted her apology, and thanked her for her commitment to do better.
On top of apologizing for her own words, Becca also acknowledged that when trying to do better, she can no longer speak for others, Garrett included. She offered a vague update on the status of their relationship, saying, “For those who are curious about my relationship with Garrett at this point, I all I can say right now is that I don’t know.” She added, “It’s something that we are trying to work through, and discuss, and do work on at home at this time, and that’s where the work will remain.” It’s been common knowledge that Becca and Garrett disagree on certain political issues, but it seems like this could be indicative of a larger divide between them. As for Rachel, she flat-out said on the podcast “I don’t f*ck with Garrett, and I don’t need to,” so I think we know where she stands on that.
Whatever work is going on at home, both Becca and Garrett are keeping it off of social media. In the past week, Becca’s only feed post is a TikTok of her dog set to “U Can’t Touch This.” Garrett, on the other hand, has spent the last few days getting philosophical. Since his pro-police post, he’s posted three photos of himself, each with a lengthy caption quoting Robin Homer’s writings on Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor and philosopher from the second century. His most recent post focuses on the principle that “Your Opinion of Yourself Matters More Than the Opinion of a Stranger,” which seems pointed at the criticisms he received the other week.
While Becca and Garrett are dealing with their relationship privately, Bekah Martinez (from Arie’s season) and Garrett have gotten into it pretty publicly in recent weeks. After Garrett’s thin blue line post, she called him out in the comments, calling his words “scary as f*ck” and calling the post “a great reminder that not much has changed” about Garrett’s views. In addition, Bekah made a $1,000 donation to the National Police Accountability Project in Garrett’s name, because a generous troll is the best kind.
In response, Garrett screenshotted Bekah’s comment and posted it on his story, declaring that “needless to say you never got to know me, still don’t know me, and you’re no longer invited over.” Becca and Bekah (yeah, I’m confused too) were on The Bachelor together, and have been good friends since, so the uninviting seemed like a big slap in the face, but it turns out Bekah didn’t really care too much.
Last week, she went on Ben Higgins and Ashley Iaconetti’s podcast, where she cleared things up: “I don’t particularly like Garrett and I’m not interested in having dinner with him.” She said that she loves and has “a lot of respect for Becca,” but “Garrett is Garrett.” She also added that she hasn’t been “super close” with Becca Kufrin for a while, so yeah, she’s probably not going over to their house any time soon regardless.
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Images: Roy Rochlin/Getty Images; gy_yrigoyen / Instagram
The Bachelor franchise has always had problems with race, and recently, those problems have been more clearly visible than ever. Just a few weeks ago, we watched as Hannah Brown said the N-word on Instagram Live, and while some of her peers in Bachelor Nation held her accountable, others made excuses for her, and many more stayed silent altogether.
Over the past week, as conversations about systemic racism and police brutality against Black people have become the norm, the response from the Bachelor community as a whole has been disappointing. The official Bachelor and Bachelorette Instagram pages have stayed 100% silent. ABC posted a statement that included “Black Lives Matter,” but has made no public donations or pledges for action moving forward. And Chris Harrison, the face of the entire franchise, has been silent except for a black square on Tuesday.
Speaking of the black squares, a ton of Bachelor alums posted for Blackout Tuesday, which is great. While the black square posts drew a fair amount of criticism for taking up space and being a “social media trend”, showing solidarity is still a form of protest, and the black squares had the potential to be an important starting point for a lot of great ally work.
But for all the people who have backed up their black squares with some really meaningful work this week, there are, of course, those who just posted the square because they felt like they were supposed to. For example, Garrett Yrigoyen, the winner of Becca’s season (they’re still engaged, which I totally forgot about). Here’s Garrett’s post from Tuesday:
Cool, it’s a black square, he did the assignment. Notice the length of the caption.
After not saying anything else related to the subject on Tuesday or Wednesday, he reappeared on Thursday, with a post that seems like a complete 180 from whole point of Blackout Tuesday. Ladies and gentlemen, here is Garrett’s love letter to the police:
This caption clocks in at 289 words, which is long for a caption about anything, honestly. But about this? Now?? Garrett ends his ode to cops by saying, “They will always be out there protecting us, no matter what!” But in that one sentence, he shows his privilege, and makes it clear that he doesn’t understand the issues at the root of the protests. As Bekah Martinez succinctly pointed out in a comment, police will be protecting white people “no matter what”—which is the reason people are protesting, signing petitions, calling their representatives.
For Garrett to post the black square with literally no deeper thoughts attached to it aside from a few emojis and then immediately pivot to a half-page’s worth of praise for police is insanely disappointing, but it’s really not that surprising. This is, after all, the same guy who was outed for liking transphobic and racist memes when his season of The Bachelorette first aired. To refresh your memory, this is the kind of sh*t Garrett finds funny:
For what it’s worth, Garrett’s fiancée Becca seems to be a little more on-board with what’s happening in the world right now. While she hasn’t been the most outspoken this week, she shared a beautiful story about her late grandfather’s friendship with a Black gay man, and encouraged her followers to “do better.” Becca did announce that she and Rachel Lindsay will be dedicating an episode of their Bachelor Happy Hour podcast to the current situation, so hopefully she’ll take a stronger stance in the coming days.
One worry with the blackout on Tuesday was that people would just post a square to signal solidarity, and not put any action or deep thought behind it, and that seems to be what happened with Garrett. Every ally is still in the process of learning about systemic racism and how to dismantle it, and that learning process is never finished. Nobody is saying we all need to wake up tomorrow and be perfect allies, because such a thing does not exist. But it’s not enough to just make a post and drop a couple of emojis and call it a day—for all his talk in the caption about how he’s “listened, learned, helped, supported, and grown”, it would be nice to see some of that.
Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; gy_yrigoyen, imwatchingyuuo / Instagram
Whatever your feelings are on the new Bachelorette pick, I think we can agree: the last few seasons have been severely lacking. Becca Kufrin and Rachel Lindsay handled themselves with grace, don’t get me wrong. But they also both wound up with supremely disappointing mates: Becca’s, a man who liked memes so offensive they made my eyes water; and Rachel’s, well, a man who isn’t Peter Kraus. (This is not just Peter-favoritism; Vulture, The New Yorker, and The New York Times all agree with me.) On the flip side, the last two Bachelor seasons have ended with our suitor saying “f*ck it” and doing whatever he wants, regardless of how it messes with show protocol or their runner-ups’ emotions. And sadly, I have more faith in both of those relationships because of it.
This season, I’d like to see Hannah Brown be a different type of Bachelorette—not for how “fierce” her love is, but for saying “f*ck it” when the format of the show no longer suits her. My fear is this: for all ABC’s talk of how “real” Hannah is, nothing in her pageant or Bachelor history makes me think she’ll be the one to break this pattern. In Bachelor Nation, the men are allowed to follow their hearts at any cost, while women are encouraged to consider the other contestants’—and all of America’s—feelings. The question was never “did Rachel Lindsay want to marry Bryan Abasolo?” It was this: if Rachel didn’t want to marry Bryan, would she have maybe stayed anyway?
This dynamic—of women obeying the rules while men break them—plays out over and over on Bachelor in Paradise. The women wait to check in with their dates’ feelings; the men go after the shiny new thing. At a certain point, it becomes clear what’s happening—it’s not that the women are, across the board, more invested in the men. It’s that the women are more reluctant to do something they “shouldn’t,” to break one of the many unspoken Bachelor rules. You could chalk it up to ingrained gender norms—and that certainly plays a part—but I think there’s something else going on here. These women have dropped everything to find love on a reality show: it doesn’t make sense that they would be meek in their pursuit of it. Women treat dating as an Olympic sport every day; why, on a show built around that very concept, are men the only ones jumping fences?
Of course, when picking apart reality shows you have to consider two layers: the story we’re shown, and the story that existed before the editors got to it. Rachel spoke out recently about her Bachelorette finale, claiming that her “happy ending was not demonstrated within the confines of your television screens,” while maintaining that she is “living it every day in real life.” Apparently, Rachel was hurt by how much of the episode focused on her breakup with Kraus, and doesn’t think this accurately reflects her journey. And Becca K. draws a similar distinction. When asked by Hollywood Reporter how she felt about Arie’s devastating on-screen break-up (I paraphrase), she said this: “ to stay focused on the important things. To focus on what I actually went through and not what people are saying, because at the end of the day, I lived it.”
So, maybe the biggest issue isn’t with the men that they wound up with, or the actual romantic opportunities they were presented. The issue is that they were depicted as having unhappy, humiliating stories, regardless of what happened in real life. No matter what ABC does, no matter how tattooed or outspoken its Bachelorette picks become, they can’t get away from the fact that Bachelor Nation peddles in female heartbreak above all else. The story they are intent on selling is that women don’t break the rules unless they’re monsters, but men can break the rules if their hearts are pointing elsewhere.
The truth is, I have a hard time believing that anyone falls in love, to the point of thinking about marriage, in three months while dating thirty other people. So that makes it all the more compelling when Arie makes a mistake, or Colton reveals that he has a final pick with three girls left. The system shouldn’t work, for most people—so the stories that act as proof of how broken the system is seem most legitimate. If ABC wanted to atone for its treatment of Becca K., it should have let her break the formula like Arie did, and given her license to take more or less time as she needed. Instead, they sent the message that, even and especially due to her recent humiliation, she would have to be just as perfect and open-hearted as every Bachelorette before her.
To bring this back to Hannah Brown: I don’t trust that ABC will, on-camera or off, encourage its Bachelorette leads to go with their gut, really, any time soon. So I hope Hannah comes out of this season without a ring on her finger. Even if we may never really know how happy her story is, in comparison to the story ABC will show us, at least we’ll know she didn’t make a lasting commitment under duress. If the women of Bachelor Nation commit themselves to saying “f*ck this” to the show’s antiquated rituals, maybe in five years ABC will catch up and actually air that footage. Then, we might have a Bachelorette worth watching.
Images: ABC; Giphy (2)
Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??
Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.
Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.
Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.
Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”
Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.
^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate
HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m nervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.
Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday.
BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”
Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.
Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”
ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?
HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??
MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me.
CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.
Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.
Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?
BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
ME:
Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?
Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.
Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”
Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!
GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.
THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.
Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.
Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?
Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.
BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
ALSO BLAKE:
She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.
WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?
Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.
ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.
Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.
GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.
YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?
Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”
The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.
ALSO ME:
Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.
The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.
Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.
OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.
BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.
Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.
Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.
Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.
Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
BLAKE:
CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.
FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.
Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.
Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.
BECCA:
Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?
Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.
I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.
Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”
GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.
Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.
CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!
The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!
And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.
Images: Giphy (10)
Hello! And welcome back to another very exciting episode of The Bachelorette. I’m calling this episode “very exciting” because this is the episode where Becca will either bring shame upon her family take someone to the fantasy suite or be so repulsed by someone that she sends him home early. Riveting stuff!
The episode begins, and we’re immediately treated to footage of a slow moving car crash the journey so far. Becca starts talking about all the men she has left and I’m realizing that she traveled halfway around the world to bang three guys she could have easily swiped right on drunk at a happy hour in Minnesota. Like, none of these guys warrant a romantic trip to Thailand. There’s more personality in a stock photo shoot then what’s happening on my screen rn.
Seriously, which is which I CANNOT TELL!!
Blake’s One-On-One
Blake gets the first one-on-one date and I already know this will end with him crying after sex. He’s got the face for it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Becca kicks things off by forcing Blake to hike with her through a sacred temple grounds. She’s like, “this will be really fun because we won’t be allowed to touch each other at all!” Tbh that’s sounds like my perfect date so I approve of this.
Oh OF COURSE they run into two wise monks who proceed to lecture them on the secret to a happy life. Somehow I’m thinking that secret doesn’t involve dating 30 men on national television and hoping for the best?
BLAKE: They’re so wise, you know?
ALSO BLAKE:
Okay, so I know I’ve been going easy on Becca’s outfits these last few weeks and that’s because I’m genuinely worried Cary Fetman added an entry about me in his personal burn book, but I can’t hold back any longer. BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?! It looks like she bought that dress at the airport gift shop, and I’m horrified. This is fantasy suite night and you came dressed for the occasion in a Wet Seal beach cover-up? What is wrong with you???
They start talking about their past relationships, and Blake is trying wayyy too hard to downplay his mental breakdown after his last girlfriend.
BLAKE: It was very hard time for me and my mother definitely did not have to hold me through the night for the next 3-6 months.
ME:
Godddd Blake is so needy. He’s like “I can’t ignore the fact that you’re dating other people” and it’s like, you have seen this show before, yes?
Blake and Becca head to the fantasy suite which looks weirdly like the best Marriott in Thailand. Seriously, ABC what’s happening with your budget these days? Thailand is crazy cheap and instead of living like kings for the night they’re living like two people on a mediocre business trip whose points landed them a free room.
Becca keeps looking at Blake like he is going to rock her world considers gently cradling her face as foreplay. Good luck with that, girl!
Cut to the morning after and the camera pans to Becca’s 99 cent dress on the floor. As if I needed a graphic reminder about what went down in that room last night: some very heavy breathing and Blake prematurely ejaculating after accidentally brushing Becca’s thigh. Please.
Lololol Blake is acting like every girl who got drunk off of too much rosé and is trying to define the relationship as the guy she’s seeing starts putting on his pants and calling an Uber.
BECCA: That was a amazing.
BLAKE: So, like, what are we tho?
Wait. Blake is me. I am Blake.
Jason’s One-On-One Date
Moving on to Jason’s one-on-one. Jason looks far too comfortable in Thailand. Like, he’s definitely made a pact before that what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand on a business trip. Ya feel me?
That smirk says it all.
Also, did Becca get her period on this date? Why is she wearing that towel around her waist? Because I know for goddamn sure it’s not for fashion purposes.
Okay, WHY is everything about food with Jason? First with the wing eating contest and now these crickets? It’s like he wants Becca to have violent diarrhea after every date.
Becca makes a p vague comment about her and Jason’s future together and then immediately freaks out over said comment. I’ve never related to Becca more than in this moment. She’s like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t see a future with this person I met four weeks ago!!” Yes, Becca, this is good. That’s the ABC brainwashing slowly starting to leave your system. That, or blind panic at the start of a bowel movement. Either/or.
Wait so we don’t even get to see the day date at all? Damnnn Jason must have really f*cked up if all we get to see is her walking off with her producer.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. WAIT. Is Becca going to dump him right this second? Figures that she’s going to cut the night short on the night where I’m not immediately horrified by her dress.
Becca dips out on Jason AGAIN and he’s gotta know he’s going home tonight, right? Also, is it wrong that now that I know he’s a loser I’m kinda into him?
So when someone gets up two times to go cry by themselves on a date, they’re probs not into you…. noted #theBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, this conversation is so effing awkward. Like, what does she want him to do? List reasons for why she should keep him? Like, they are talking in circles around each other.
BECCA: I’m not confident about you.
JASON: That feels like a yes, though?
Okay, Jason is pushing HARD to stay the night. He must think his penis can convince her to keep him around for another week. Is that considered big dick energy?
Jason finally gets in the van and is just like “eh, better luck next time.” Seriously? After all of that begging and pleading that’s all you have to say for yourself? Meanwhile, Becca has a small mental breakdown in her suite at the Marriott. If only she could see his monotoned goodbye speech rn.
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Last and certainly most racist, we have Garrett’s one-on-one! Cut to Becca who’s pregaming the date by crying alone in her hotel suite. Again, I can deeply relate to this sentiment. At least the cameras didn’t zoom in on her lonely dress on the floor. What a missed opportunity, ABC!
Becca meets up with Garrett and is like “we’re getting out of the city and doing something the locals do!” And by “doing something the locals do” she means rafting through these people’s backyards.
BECCA THREE MINUTES INTO THIS DATE: I didn’t think, like, the locals would actually be here though?
I love how much they’re struggling with this crowd rn. These people could give one single sh*t that Bachelor contestants are in their presence. Can I just move to this beautiful, pure community?
Moving on. Becca shows up to the dinner and drinks portion of the evening wearing her grandmother’s Elvis costume. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m feeling personally attacked by Cary Fetman. This lace abomination has to be some declaration of war. Has to be. IT HAS A SATIN GODDAMN COLLAR. WHY. Becca does realize the end goal here is to make Garrett want to bang her, right? ‘Cause I’m worried that won’t happen now.
I love that Garrett is like “I’m nervous about commitment” and Becca practically orgasms on that pillow. Meanwhile, Jason, a guy who has exclaimed he loves her for weeks now, gets sent packing. Makes sense.
Wait, is that a freaking tent they’re spending the night in? Everyone else got the best sub-par hotel suite ABC’s points could buy them and these two are relegated to sleeping in the hotel’s backyard? If I were Garrett rn I’d be like “I signed up for Fantasy Suites, not glamping.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god Becca just blew a kiss to Garrett and his responding kiss was a mix between giving her the finger and rolling his eyes. This is the most personality I’ve seen from him all season, and I’m here for it.
The Rose Ceremony
GUYS. JASON. IS. BACK. Omgomgomgomgomg. Just when I was getting genuinely concerned that ABC was going to waste my time for the next 35 minutes the producers somehow coerce Jason into embarrassing himself further on national television. *turns up volume*
JASON: I just want to get some closure so I’m going to knock on her door and talk to her.
BECCA:
Yeah, this isn’t a great start, dude.
Wait what is this story he just gave her? Please tell me it’s not a scrapbook of their time together. Like, did he whip this up in his hotel room last night when the producers told him he needed to have a more emotional exit if he wants to be the next Bachelor? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation behind this sad, handwritten book he just deposited at her doorstep.
Jason: I brought you something#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/hVIgHR1e2f
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, but why is there even a rose ceremony at this point? The anxiety rolling off Blake rn is making me sweat out all the wine I just drank and it’s senseless.
Becca shows up to the rose ceremony in yet another lace dress that makes me question. Chris Harrison asks Becca if she feels good about cutting Jason before the rose ceremony and she’s like “oh yeah, I have two great guys left and plus his hair repulsed me!” I paraphrase.
Becca calls Garrett’s name first and Blake looks like he might murder them both in their sleep. I hope his mother is on call to help him through these dark times.
LOL this toast is so effing awkward. Garrett’s like “thanks for giving me that quality one-on-one time this week.”
ALSO GARRETT:
Subtle, G!
Next week ABC continues to waste our time we have “The Men Tell All” where I’m sure no one will take accountability for their actions or give us any insight into their dumbass decisions this season. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (7); @jason_tartick /Instagram (1); ABC (3)
Welcome to Hometowns, people! For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the episode of The Bachelorette where we get to see where these piles of flaming garbage masquerading as human men came from. It’s also the episode where Becca can decide which mother-in-law she wants to trash-talk behind her back for the rest of her life. Sounds delightful. Shall we get to the good stuff, then?
Garrett’s Hometown
I guess we’re not playing around this episode, because ABC immediately starts things off with Garrett’s hometown. Small mercies. First of all, I am ALARMED by the way he just ran out of those trees. Like, what are these hand gestures I’m looking at rn?
Garrett wants Becca to get a real understanding of his roots and where he comes from, so he asks her to ride on the back of his tractor, and I wish I was even a little bit making this up. Garrett’s like, “can you see yourself doing this after the show?” And it’s like, please stop pretending like you will be doing anything other than pimping laxative tea on Instagram after this show.
And let’s be real, we all know Carlos never really lets you drive the tractor unless you’ve been extra good!
GARRETT: Bringing you home is a big deal because the last person I brought home was my wife.
^^^THINGS YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD NEVER SAY.
Okay, is it just me or do Becca and Garrett’s sister look eerily similar? Like they could pull off the twin twist better than Spencer Hastings did doubling as herself in the PLL series finale? Also, Becca keeps saying that Garrett reminds her of her dad and now Garrett’s sister could literally be Becca’s body double. This is getting way too incestuous for me. I’m out.
Okay, I’m surprised I like any of Garrett’s family members, but Barbara is real AF.
BARBARA: Becca I don’t know what he’s told you about his past relationship…
BECCA: Oh, he’s told me everything. Like, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
BARBARA:
Lol Becca just said that her and Garrett share a “special bond” because they’re the only ones on the show who’ve been engaged/married in the past. K. I didn’t know that spitting on the sanctity of marriage qualified a person to be your soulmate these days but, like, to each their own.
The rest of this hometown is boring AF. With Garrett being a hateful meme liker, I thought we’d get to see at least one MAGA hat for Becca to lose her sh*t over. But alas, it looks like Becca will have to find out his true colors in 3-6 months after she’s invested her time, hopes, dreams, and at least 6 Instagram photos to him just like the rest of us plebes.
Seriously though, Becca is looking at Garrett like he could say that the Parkland survivors are crisis actors and she’d still want to bang him. Oh wait…
Jason’s Hometown
Jason whisks Becca off to the sexy and exotic Buffalo, NY! Becca, you lucky b*tch! If you’ll recall, this is the nightmare Hometown date we wrote about weeks ago so my bar for this date is set somewhere around “will call the police if Becca blinks twice.”
Jason, aka the guy who is reluctant to tell this virtual stranger Becca that he’s falling for her, decides to show her how much he cares about her through a wings eating contest! A WINGS EATING CONTEST. Becca, blink once if you want to stay, twice if you need me to DM Chris Harrison and get you tf out of there.
But seriously though, a wings eating contest?? First of all, the only time I would ever participate in such a thing is alone in my home every Sunday when a new episode of Westworld drops and I’m forced to stress eat my feelings under EXTREME duress. You sure as sh*t wouldn’t catch me on live freaking television participating in this form of cruel and unusual punishment. Second of all, there’s nothing sexy about getting a chicken bone heimliched out of your windpipe. NOTHING.
Becca’s like “every time I’m with him I have the best time!” Yes, the best time and probably a newly developed case of IBS.
For the next part of their date Jason takes Becca to an abandoned ice skating rink. I’m sorry, but Jason, are you trying to make this girl your fiancé or get to third with her under the bleachers after study hall lets out? I’m genuinely worried it might be the latter.
Okay, Jason’s family seems very normal and well-adjusted. Booooo. I’m sure if Becca picks him they’ll have a fun life getting happy hour in midtown and having missionary sex with the lights turned off. But, you know, eternal happiness to you both!
Blake’s Hometown
Blake starts off his hometown by immediately reliving his glory days at the high school. Jesus Christ. There’s always one. I guess nothing turns a girl on like sticky floors and the smell of puberty, amiright Blake?
Wait did he really just say “high school is a big part of my life?” RED FLAG. Becca, slowly back away and get back in the car while there’s still time.
Blake goes into a very sad story about a school shooting, which is horrifying. Between this and his mom sleeping with the coach, I really get why they say high school is the best four years of your life.
BLAKE: But don’t worry I have some really great memories from high school too! I love high school!
ALSO BLAKE:
Blake says he has one more surprise for Becca, and I’m slightly worried this means he’s going to take her to the cafeteria and pull out his yearbook so they can over-analyze why so many people wrote “HAGS” in it.
He doesn’t do the cafeteria thing, but he does lead Becca to some sort of talent show competition taking place in the gymnasium. I’m referring to it as a talent show because I genuinely do not know who this Betty person is and there does not appear to be one single adult in this crowd other than Becca and Blake.
So do they just have a de-briefing session to teach Becca the words to every no-name artist they bring through here? #TheBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
They start making out amidst a mosh pit of teenagers, and I bet Blake really feels like the big man on campus now.
Cut to the part where Becca meets his family. Do we think the homewrecking coach will be allowed to sit at the dinner table? Or will his dad just make passive-aggressive comments about him in between making small talk with Becca? *turns up the volume*
Wait. Did Blake’s mom just say that they cried together after his last relationship? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Becca, are you hearing this?!
Okay, I hope after that conversation with Blake’s mom Becca effing RUNS back to the Bachelor mansion. She’s like “after the breakup I had to comfort him, you know?”
ALSO BLAKE’S MOM: I was there with him through every tear. All the times he cried and and the screamed in the night.
ME:
Colton’s Hometown
Colton’s hometown is the last one, which means his family is probably batsh*t. I can’t wait for Colton to tearfully admit he’s a virgin and for his dad to laugh in his face.
Becca’s keeps saying that they have this “crazy connection” but I’m pretty sure by “connection” she means that their chemistry is 100 percent fueled by the fact that he’s seen her friend naked. Ah, romance.
Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital so ABC can exploit sick children for ratings. I would be outraged, but these kids are so freaking cute. I can’t. Seriously, this little girl and her tiny cowboy boots are stars in the making and she’s too pure for the trash I let pollute my television screen.
Okay, WHAT is Colton’s mom wearing?? I guess she took a page out of Becca’s style handbook because she showed up to tonight’s dinner wearing a shirt with paper clips holding it together as her national TV debut. This is maybe the most offensive thing I’ve seen all season, and I’ve seen Becca show up to a date in a bedazzled zebra print dress.
Colton tells his mom he’s a virgin and she looks just as doubtful about his virginity claims as I do.
Becca and the mom have some girl talk next, and I love that Becca is discussing her son’s sex life right to her face. She’s like, “I’m concerned about his intimacy with women, you know?”
ALSO BECCA: Do you think he’ll be good in bed tho?
Colton drops the “L” word on Becca right before she leaves and she looks smitten. Just like a virgin to play those mind games right before the fantasy suite. Bravo.
The Rose Ceremony
Becca claims she needs to talk things out with her girls before the rose ceremony, because these are the people that know her best. And by “best” she means “contractually obligated by ABC to be there.” Obviously.
Okay, Becca is really laying it on thick with the men here. I feel like there were multiple times throughout the season when she looked like she might quit because all the men were garbage and now she’s making it sound like she’s got the cream of the crop.
LOL. Tia is listening to all of this like, “It was supposed to BE ME!”
Tia listening to Becca talk about Colton #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/lLEslQHASb
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
Oh my goddddd Tia is such a b*tch. She’s like “I know I said I was over Colton but that’s when I thought I was the only girl he played just the tip with.”
TIA: As your friend I want you to know that I’m into the guys you’re into and don’t want you to be with them.
ALSO TIA:
Okay, Becca, this girl is not your friend. She strategically waited until the last second to tell you she was into Colton. Revenge bang him PLEASE. I beg of you.
Speaking of the virgin who can’t drive Colton, wtf is this pep talk he’s trying to get from Chris Harrison rn? He’s like “so what exactly happens in the fantasy suite?? Because I’m nervous.”
CHRIS HARRISON:
ALSO CHRIS HARRISON: Are you asking me how to put it in? I don’t understand where this is going, son…
Damnnnn I can’t believe Becca actually cut Colton because Tia told her to!! I mean, I knew she was going to have regrets after this season, but letting little Miss Wiener, Arkansas manipulate her out of a boyfriend is a wholeeee other story.
Lol I love that Colton’s limo exit strategy is the same as mine when a racist family member gets weird at Thanksgiving: pretend to fall asleep.
Next week, Becca and the three human stock photos she’s dating are headed to Thailand! Now that the virgin is gone, I fear I’ll have to go back to mocking the sequined abominations Becca tries to pass off as fashion. I guess only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); ABC (1);
