Which ‘Bachelor’ Alums Will Hook Up At Stagecoach 2020? Our Predictions

Summer 2019 will be remembered for many reasons. It was hot girl summer. It was the summer we discovered that when you play the Game of Thrones, you drink Starbucks or you die. We took our horse to the Old Town Road. And of course, we couldn’t turn on our televisions without hearing about Stagecoach. Stagecoach. Stagecoach. Stagecoach. Annoyed yet? Exactly. By now, anyone with a TV and moderate pop culture knowledge, as well as those of us that were chained to our couches for four hours a week, seven weeks in a row *raises hand* have the word Stagecoach etched into the back of our eyelids. We see Blake’s haircut in our nightmares. And now, we get to do it all over again! That’s right, Stagecoach just announced their 2020 lineup, and that sound you hear is hundreds of former Bachelor cast members finally clicking order on the “authentic cowboy hat” they had saved in their Revolve cart for weeks. We know that last year Stagecoach was a fountain of wealth for Blake, but who will get themselves into sexual pickle this year? Read on for our predictions! 

Blake Horstmann and Caitlin Clemmens

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Off to @bachelorinparadise tonight!🌴👙 I figured a @stagecoach throwback would be an appropriate way to kick start this adventure in Mexico! 😂 Who’s tuning in at 8pm tonight!? #bachelorinparadise #bachelor

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Blake might have been publicly shamed for his behavior at Stagecoach last year, but that doesn’t mean he won’t return to the scene of the crime to revel in his former glory. Mindhunter reminded me that serial killers do that, so I think it’s pretty fair to assume that a serial booty-caller would do it as well. Here’s my prediction for Blake: While he’s remembering his former conquests, he will run into Caitlin Clemmens, who he dumped in Paradise to give Kristina a “friend rose.” He’ll realize he never slept with her at last year’s Stagecoach. He’ll apologize. He’ll cry. He’ll mention that time his mom was sleeping with his coach. And bam! Just like that, they’ll sleep together. Then he’ll block her on Instagram and start DM’ing her friends. You deserved better, Caitlin! And I’m not just saying that because we have the same name!  

Amanda Stanton and Morgan Wallen

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I know they say I move on too fast but this one gon last (cause her name is Andi…and I’m so good with that) ❤️

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Hear me out. Morgan Wallen is one of the acts performing on night one. Sure, he has a mullet, but he’s single and I don’t hate his music, which I have heard live at a Florida Georgia Line concert with my mother and her friends (Don’t ask. Okay, fine, ask, but that story is for another time). Amanda’s BFF Lauren Bushnell is engaged to another country singer, Chris Lane, and since Lauren and Amanda are basically morphing into the same person, why not also date men who are virtually interchangeable? Plus, Morgan’s on the rise, and Amanda might need someone with ~influence~ to get her out of all that legal trouble, am I right? 

Derek Peth and Kirpa Sudick

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when you realize you’re all out of wine and it’s bachelor monday 🍷 #hangchinthere #thebachelor

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Poor Derek. He’s never going to be the Bachelor. Demi dumped him and then got engaged to someone else. He got in a screaming match at a wedding before anyone was even drunk. It was a rough summer for our favorite Jim Halpert lookalike. But, as JPJ aggressively pointed out, Derek has a podcast, and what better way to promote said podcast than by being at Stagecoach? In any case, Derek deserves love. I’d love to see Derek with Kirpa from Colton’s season. She’s gorgeous, and she’s funny, and she didn’t get half the attention I feel she deserved. That chin injury was solid gold. And based on the fact that Derek and Demi got along so well, I like to think that he’d be into another funny girl. Do it, guys!! Make me proud!

Mike Johnson and Becca Tilley

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Feet hurt too bad to think of a caption! 🤠🎡

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^^It’s alarming how much all these pictures look alike 

Mike Johnson continues to shoot his shot with the hottest celebrities, and I think the sooner he realizes that only a select few celebrities watch The Bachelorette and know who he is, the better. When that day comes, I think he’ll settle down and find himself a nice Bachelor woman, and I’m betting it will be Becca Tilley. Of the still-single Bachelor alums, she is one of the most famous. Plus, she’s just launched her own clothing line, and she’s hot. I only want good things for Mike, and if that can’t be eternal happiness with me, I guess I’m cool with him settling for Becca.

Jed Wyatt and Kristina Schulman

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Yesterday was a dream. Thank you @iheartradio @millerlite @kramergirl for such a great day. 🇺🇸

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^^Never gonna be Stagecoach, pal

PLOT TWIST!!! Jed shows up to Stagecoach in a desperate ploy to get attention, and torments serenades all the women walking in to the tune of “I wanna be your Mr. Right.” Only Kristina falls for it. 

And those are my predictions! What do you think will happen at Stagecoach 2020? Will people find a more original picture location? Will we have little Bachelor Nation offspring running around nine months later? Will cast members get hit with more lawsuits? Only time will tell!

Images: cclemmentine, amanda_stanton, kirpasudick, beccatilley, jedwyatt/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tahzjuan Is My Inspiration

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Welcome to week four of Bachelor in Paradise! This week was sort of a snooze for me, but that might just be because John Paul Jones got approximately 1.5 hours of speaking time last night and listening to him formulate a thought is equivalent to watching my fingernails grow. But, nevertheless, I persisted! (If you count drinking half a bottle of wine and fantasizing ways to get JPJ alone in a room with a pair of scissors “persisting”). Moving on! Last week, Demi and Kristian solidified their relationship, Grandpa Chris went on a date with Jen Sav, Katie cried, and, as Tayshia put it, Hannah and Dylan slept on a daybed for five years.

Which brings us back to this week. We open back in Paradise, and for once no one is bringing dishonor to their family name by crying on Wells’ barstool or describing in great detail the sexual acts they partook in during Stagecoach. Instead, the camera pans to all the happy couples. There’s Dylan napping with Hannah, Demi holding hands with Kristian, Caelynn straddling Dean in the pool, Clay running into the ocean to avoid Nicole’s singing, and Derek, who asks Clay and Nicole to put him out of his misery and bury him alive.

Look, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again but I AM IN YOUR DMS HELLO good guys never finish first with this godforsaken franchise. You hate to see it.

Meanwhile, Kristina and Tayshia discuss their relationship statuses. They both aren’t that into their romantic prospects thus far: Tayshia with JPJ and Kristina with that sand dune. Kristina declares that Tayshia should just date Derek because, let’s face it, JPJ has that hair so he’ll be fine. Tayshia agrees so fast that it’s almost as if this storyline was preordained by production or something. It’s crazy!

Okay, I don’t think we’ve been giving Tayshia enough credit for how manipulative she can be. She tells JPJ that she wants to see other people but instead of just saying “I’d like to explore other connections” she asks HIM if HE is hoping to see another girl walk into Paradise. When he says he only wants to go on dates with her she tells him, “no really, it’s totally okay to go on other dates.” She’s Jedi mind tricking the f*ck out of him, and that’s something I’ve been trying to perfect with men my entire life. Then again, I guess I’m pretty good at it since every man I’ve ever dated has felt free to go out on dates with other women…

JPJ: You look like Beyoncé if Beyoncé had crazy eyes.
TAYSHIA: Thank you?

Another girl walks into Paradise and we are told that she’s from Colton’s season and that her name is Tanzania. Or something. Idk, I’m two glasses of wine deep. She says she was on the show for “two seconds” but production can’t even produce any video footage to back up this claim, so it seems suspicious to say the least. I would say she’s another paid actor invited on the show to stir up drama like “Christian” was, but production’s budget is not big enough to secure the talent that is Tahzjuan. Seriously, this girl is a star in the making. Mark my words.

She asks JPJ on a date straight away. I guess when she pictures her future husband she pictures a guy who brings his fraternity paddle into the bedroom. Got it. JPJ, even though he doesn’t want to go on this date at all and is absolutely still interested in and loyal to Tayshia, takes this as an opportunity to shave his entire body before heading out. He’s like “I don’t want to go on this date, but if Tayshia wants me to, then f*ck it!” and then proceeds to shave his balls on national television. He takes the term “taking one for the team” to the next level.

This date is so painful to watch, I swear to god. They both have nothing to say to each other so they just maniacally giggle until the intern refills their drinks. JPJ gets so drunk during the meal he confuses the date food with something actually edible instead of the half-priced gag gift ABC got from Spencer’s. JPJ dry heaves no less than 6 times, but by now we know that’s just his foreplay. And then, of course, there’s this horrifying exchange of conversation:

JPJ: Your name is so interesting, what country is it from?
TAHZJUAN: Well my dad’s name is Juan, so Mexico I guess.
JPJ: But you’re.. *whispers* black…?

John Paul Jones! You can’t just ask someone why they’re black! God, Karen!

Back at the beach, the rest of the couples and Derek are playing a game of truth or dare. I remember my first boy-girl party too. So cute! Someone asks Sydney who the worst person she ever kissed was and she says Colton. The rest of the women from Colton’s season collectively agree that he was a terrible kisser. I’m sorry, but is this supposed to shock us? This is the same man who told us he had never seen a ladie’s bathing suit parts before and asked Chris Harrison if it hurts during the guy’s first time too. I’m not surprised he has no idea what to do with that tongue.

Meanwhile, Caelynn cannot stop gushing about how great Dean is, as Wells and Demi exchange horrified expressions. She’s like, “I love vans, they’re my favorite! Vans have running water though, right? And WiFi? And, like, a permanent address for all my FabFitFun and Revolve partnership packages?”

CAELYNN: Dean is definitely going to propose at the end of this!
DEMI & WELLS:

Wells and Demi proceed to give Caelynn the intervention she did not ask for. They tell her that she needs to be real with Dean about wanting an actual relationship because they don’t think he’s as serious about her. I love that Wells is like, “he’s my friend but he’s a piece of sh*t, you know?” Boy, do we know, Wells! Also, I can’t believe that Caelynn needed a girl who can still fit into Limited Too’s spring line and a wannabe bartender to tell her that a man who lives in his van is probably not ready for anything serious.

Caelynn asks Dean what his intentions are, and he looks at her like he thought he made that clear when he mentioned needing a shower on their first date. At least he’s honest!

DEAN: I want a girlfriend but, like, not for the nine months that I want to take off in my van you know?

NOT DURING THE 9 MONTHS I WANT TO TAKE OFF IN MY VAN. Caelynn, girlfriend, I don’t even like you that much but I know you’re better than this MY GOD.

Listening to Dean describe what kind of relationship he wants is making my blood boil. Caelynn asks for commitment and he says, “you’ll have to convince me first.” Right away the power dynamic shifts in his favor, and it’s f*cked up. I’ve dated guys like this before, the ones who would like to still hook up, but not commit to you beyond what’s convenient for them. So they tell you that, but in a way that makes it sound like they *could* change their minds should the right blow job relationship come along. It’s this line of reasoning that let’s f*ckboys sleep through the night while we spend $200 an hour making our therapist watch us cry. Sorry, Joan! You’re a real one, girl!

Also, does Dean forget that he was top FOUR on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, a show where you PROPOSE at the end of it? Like, why even come on Paradise if you can’t even pretend like you might consider settling down? I know he needed those rolls of toilet paper production promised him for his van, but damn.

Meanwhile, one half of Bachelor Nation’s Hot Twins walks into Paradise next. I love that Tahzjuan thinks that twins can’t exist apart from each other. She’s like, “but… her sister isn’t here, so how does that work?” I get what she’s saying, though. How can you be a Professional Twin if there’s just one of you? Instead of being one half of a dynamic comedic duo, she’s just a former Vegas cocktail waitress with a limited vocabulary and great eyelash extensions.

Hot Twin asks JPJ on a date because she says he seems like the most “husband material” out of all the guys, and I’m sincerely concerned about what these girls deem acceptable behavior for husbands.

As Hot Twin and JPJ walk off into the sunset, Tahzjuan licks her wounds by getting hammered by herself and drunk eating spaghetti in the pool. Look, I know eating noodles in the pool should be illegal and a lot of people will come for Tahzjuan’s, er, erratic behavior, but y’all, I’m LIVING for this bitch. As the designated Single Girl in my friend group, my friends are always asking me to sign up for a Bachelor casting call and I always tell them I can’t because I don’t have a good TV personality, when what I really mean is that I would act like Tahzjuan.

In fact, her behavior is right on point with mine after day drinking for 8 hours. Splashing that drink around, complaining about being hot, crying every time she sees a happy couple. It’s like looking in a mirror.

TAHZJUAN: I’m really glad you showed up Haley! Also, I would like to spit in your drink!
ALSO TAHZJUAN:

The Rose Ceremony

Chris starts off the cocktail party by giving one of his signature pep talks. He’s like, “for those of you in relationships, drink up! For those of you still single and pathetic, Idk! I gotta get back to my mojito.” Wow, that was inspired.

Caitlin takes this pep talk to heart by trying to seduce Blake with her very own makeshift Stagecoach set-up. Honey, I don’t think it was so much the Stagecoach atmosphere as it was the amount of drugs and alcohol that I’m sure was flowing when he made the decision to bang two girls in 24 hours, but okay.

Kristina has other plans in mind. Since the most action she’s gotten all season is from the camera man fixing her mic, she’s in trouble this rose ceremony and wants Blake to give her a “friendship rose.”

KRISTINA: I want Blake to find love and that’s why I kept him here, but not if it means I’ll be kicked off this free Mexican vacation, ya feel me?

JPJ says he’s going to have a very tough decision at the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he has a girl whose name he couldn’t pronounce to save his life, and on the other hand, he has Hot Twin, who apparently “looks like a movie star and has the intelligence of a doctor.” That feels like a stretch. This is the same girl who knows that pigeons and seagulls are different somehow but couldn’t tell you exactly how they are different except that one is “from the sea” and one is “from the earth.”

As JPJ struggles with his decision, Caelynn continues plan out her future in Dean’s van. She wants his rose but she can’t be sure he’ll give it to her because even though she’s spent every waking moment with him for the last two weeks, he’s still Dean.

OMG. It’s Caelynn’s bday?! Dean says he’ll be right back, and if he comes back with a cake I’m f*cking done. For those of you who don’t remember, the commissioning of a cake for a girl’s birthday is sort of like his big move in Paradise. He did this last time he was on Paradise for D-Lo when he was still hooking up with Kristina, which drove Kristina to say that her time in the Russian orphanage was preferable to her time in Mexico.

HE CAME BACK WITH A CAKE. I’m dead. If I’m having PTSD with this, then Kristina must be rocking in a corner somewhere. Kristina, blink once if you’re good, twice if you want me to report his van for expired tags!

We haven’t seen much of the Katie/Chris/Jen love triangle that was introduced to us last episode, but apparently it is still going on. I only know this because Katie pulls Chris aside during the last seven minutes of this episode to declare her feelings for him. Jen has still spoken zero words. I can’t even be sure she has working vocal chords or if she communicates purely through blank stares and subtle shifts in her eyebrows.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Chris starts things off by speaking again and this is truly the most dramatic season ever because this is the second time tonight he’s spoken words to the contestants. He says that Demi gets to give out a rose because apparently there are no rules here anymore! Rose ceremonies are basically the equivalent of a fifth and cups mixer—so long as you have someone willing to metaphorically handcuff themselves to you while you finish a fifth of tequila then you’re good to stay.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

The episode ends with Dean realizing that by handing out his rose to Caelynn he may have signaled to her that he’s willing to be monogamous for more than 12 days.

 

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The moment Dean realized he fucked up by giving Caelynn his rose. #blackbachelornation #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelorabc #abc #bachelornation #bachelorinparadise #bip #bachelorette

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HAHA. The look of sheer horror in those eyes. I can’t. Dean tells Caelynn they need to talk. Just by his tone, she knows that she’s about to get dumped. Caelynn lets out a half-hearted “but it’s my birthday you can’t break up with me!” and it’s like girlfriend, I’ve been dumped on my birthday, Christmas Eve, and Labor Day Weekend. Nothing is sacred to these people!

And on that note, I’m out, kids. See you betches tonight!

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @blackbachelornation /Instagram (1)

Who Will Be The Next Bachelor? Our Predictions

Coming out of a week where the Amazon rainforest is being burned to the ground and the President of the United States of America is declaring himself a prophet, it’s nice to know there’s one constant in the vicious downward spiral that is daily life in 2019: the Bachelor.

Worrying about the future of the planet and life as we know it? Exhausting. Sad. Terrible.

Worrying about the future of the next Bachelor? Fun! Exciting! A blatant but necessary distraction from the impending apocalypse!

We’re about halfway through the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise, and believe me when I say *incredibly Chris Harrison voice* it’s been the most dramatic season yet. Demi Burnett has blessed us with our first openly queer relationship of the franchise. John Paul Jones has blessed us with his hair. Chad Johnson has blessed us with a series of Twitter rants, one that explicitly mention how bad we here at Betches are at our jobs. In short, it’s been a good run.

But as one head of the Bachelor Hydra dies, it is immediately replaced by another, hungrier for our attention than the last. Rumors are already swirling as to who the next Bachelor will be, and we’re here to break down the contenders for you. I am holding three pictures in my hands, but only one can be the next Bachelor. Will it be Mike Johnson, Pilot Pete, or Derek Peth? Only time and a heavy handed producer-influenced edit of Bachelor in Paradise will tell. You wanna be on top?

Trying to decide between Derek, Mike, and Peter for the next bachelor. #BachelorinParadise pic.twitter.com/0ARZQlLx2c

— Jennifer Brush (@JenBrush1213) August 21, 2019

Mike Johnson

Charismatic, humble, and well-liked amongst his fellow Hannah B. Bachelorette contestants, Mike was looking like Bachelor Nation’s pick up until this week when Derek Peth swooped in with and stole our hearts with never-before-seen levels of empathy in the face of getting dumped by a woman on national television for… another woman. Yes, men, the bar is in fact that low. (JK Derek we love you). But even amidst Derek’s PR win of the century, Mike still has some strong supporters in his corner. In the end we all know it will come down to whichever option lines Mike Fleiss’ bed with more money, but let’s pretend that we have a say.

PROS:

CONS:

Me trying to
explain to my
non Bachelorette
friends that I
would literally pay
to watch Mike as
the bachelor. My friends #TheBachelorette  #bachelornation pic.twitter.com/mHIGUi706N

— Hannah (@hmlink) June 12, 2019

Me when people suggest Derek for Bachelor vs me when people suggest Mike for Bachelor.#BachelorinParadise #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/Wm5RZLC02x

— Bachelor Banter (@Bachelor_Banter) August 21, 2019

 

Listen, I love Derek. Derek is KILLIN it in Paradise. And any other time I would be totally be on the Derek for Bachelor train. BUT MIKE! WE NEED MIKE FOR BACHELOR #MikeForBachelor #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/KxXawWOaLw

— Vicky (@vfensehl) August 21, 2019

Pilot Pete

Pilot Pete is a nice guy. Full stop. He’s kind. He’s genuine. He’s wholesome. He’s a pilot. What more is there to say?

Pete came out of Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette in a prime position to take on his roles as the next Bachelor. By steering clear of most of the Luke P. drama, he made it through relatively unscathed, making a graceful exit after hometowns, but not before his family got the chance to assure all of us that he has been “unlucky in love”—an easy transition to a role created solely to find love.

This man was primed to be Ben Higgins 2.0, but I have to ask: After two relatively lackluster seasons of The Bachelor, is that what we need?  I would argue it isn’t. In 2020, a year that will be more of a dumpster fire than we could even imagine, we won’t be turning to the fantastical world of The Bachelor for the safe choice. We want drama. We want intrigue. We want someone who will make us forget it’s an election year.

PROS:

CONS:

I just don’t think Derek needs to be the next #TheBachelor I think he is a jam up human being, but I’ve seen enough of him. #PilotPete for The bachelor!

— Brooke Weathers (@_brookedoeshair) August 21, 2019

Why has everyone given up on Pilot Pete for Bachelor just because he isn’t in Paradise

— Lexi Semrau (@LexSemrau24) August 23, 2019

Me thinks Pilot Pete is going to be the bachelor and I'm less than impressed to potentially have a another 27 year old vanilla lead. #BachelorInParadise

— Daniela (@DanielaEspo) August 21, 2019

Derek Peth

I waited until the end of this writeup to tell you that Derek Peth is going to be the next Bachelor because that’s dramatic storytelling, baby. This is less of an opinion and more of an undisputed fact based on my many years of following The Bachelor and a basic understanding of pop culture politics in this, the year 2019.

ABC loves a redemption. Bringing Derek back to Paradise after his failed engagement to Taylor Nolan was already an indicator that he was in the running to become the next Bachelor. But after his performance this week as “sensitive and emotionally mature man who played the unlucky role in a bisexual love triangle,” there is literally no chance he doesn’t get chosen. He has the support of America, his fellow Bachelor franchise cohorts, and anyone who is remotely attracted to John Krasinski.

Barring any catastrophic events during the remainder of his stay in Paradise, Derek’s contract is effectively signed. I predict he’ll make a swift yet graceful, self-imposed exit, and then waltz his way straight to ABC’s offices for his check.

PROS:

CONS:

Derek Peth on Demi: "I can’t put myself in her shoes. Truth be told, I can’t understand the level of bravery and courage that it took to say to me."

Me: "DEREK FOR #THEBACHELOR GOODNIGHT." #bip #bachelorinparadise

— Lauren Zima (@laurenzima) August 20, 2019

#derekforbachelor Appreciation video for my roommate on the @BacheloretteABC. My bourbon drinking buddy. My bestie from the TV world and honestly the one of the best guys I’ve ever met. We don’t deserve @pethderek. pic.twitter.com/okvToP6nbJ

— Wells Adams (@WellsAdams) August 21, 2019

And here we have our next #TheBachelor Derek, who is level headed, emotionally intelligent, sensitive, sweet, and understanding. Raise your hand to cast your vote ??‍♀️ #BachelorInParadise

— Kristina Schulman (@kristinaschulma) August 21, 2019

If John Krasinski & Liam Hemsworth had a child it would be Derek Peth from bachelor in paradise? pic.twitter.com/Iz38Ne9DNS

— Brinley Tavesi (@BrinleyTavesi) August 14, 2019

Me calling the producers to make sure Derek gets a happy ending after all of this this too#BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/oJCbeqEp7V

— the bachelor & bitchelor ? (@acceptedrose) August 21, 2019

Images: Twitter; @acceptedrose, @BrinleyTevesi, @kristinaschulma, @WellsAdams, @DanielaEspo, @LaurenZima, @LexSemrau24, @_brookedoeshair, @JenBrush1213, @hmlink, @BachelorBanter, @vfensehl

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Yet Another Kristian Shows Up

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Hello, Bachelor Nation! We have made it to night two, and for that we are rewarded with nothing except two hours of our lives being stripped away to watch Blake complain how he hasn’t gotten his dick wet yet this whole time. Sighs. So let’s dive right in! If I’m remembering correctly through the wine haze, last night a piñata got two men kicked off the show, Clay won Nicole by default, Hannah half-heartedly picked Dylan over Blake, and Demi continued to talk about how conflicted she is over her feelings.

We open on Demi requesting an audience with Chris Harrison. He comes to her, naturally, because we all know she’s really in charge here. I’m surprised he isn’t required to bow to her.

Demi comes clean to Chris and tells him that she’s been seeing a woman named Kristian back home. Chris pretends to sit there thoughtfully, but is wondering if Demi is really confessing her love to him, and using a fake, but similar, name. Demi continues to get a free therapy session out of Chris, as she tells him that she thought the closer she got to Derek, the more she would be over Kristian, but that’s not what happened. Chris nods his head and, again, pretends to sit there thoughtfully, as he actually mentally calculates how much overtime he is getting for this. Chris tells Demi he supports her no matter what, and then scampers off to collect his check.

Demi continues to be conflicted, and I honestly don’t know what else I can say about except to literally quote myself from the last two weeks?

How about this one: “Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home…”

Or this one: “During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it…”

I’ve even bored myself. Can we sh*t or get off the pot here? Bring me Kristian!

Back at the bar, Wells asks Blake how he feels about Caitlin.

BLAKE:

Ladies, the single men of America! This is what we have left for us! You’re a gorgeous girl with a GREAT name, giving a f*ckboy who cries too much and has an unhealthy attachment to his mother the time of day, and when HE is asked about YOU all he can do is muster up a shrug. Shall we make the suicide pact now?

Kristina steals Blake, and this is where I have to say I hate Kristina. She says she gave Blake her rose to torment him, but then she continues to pursue him, and still claims it’s all to ruin his life. Honey, you are not an evil mastermind. An evil mastermind is someone who put real creamer in the almond milk creamer just to watch Kathy in HR run to the bathroom every morning at 10:05. Should’ve approved my PTO days, bitch. Until then, we all know you still want him.

Oh boy. Just when I was beginning to be a fan of the way Caitlin was handling herself with Kristina she has to go and say “Women should respect women.” Nooooooooooo! They are fighting over a MAN and she’s trying to pull the female empowerment card? And not even a good man like Keanu Reeves, we’re talking about pond scum. Save the “women respect women” thing for when you want your mom to cover your credit card bill, Caitlin.

Elsewhere, Katie and Chris are having an awkward conversation about new girls coming in, and she says “do whatever you want to do.” Chris says “really” and the answer is “obviously not you f*cking moron” but Katie just says, “yeah.” And this, my friends, is what we in the biz call foreshadowing.

In walks Jen Saviano, who Dean claims is one of the most attractive women ever, and I hate to burst his bubble and tell him she was created in a plastic surgeon’s wet dream, but here I am! Bursting bubbles!

Caelynn tells us that Blake was talking to Jen while he was ghosting her because of course he was. Is there anyone on planet earth that Blake was not DMing? Like, I’m about to check with my Mom right now.

Katie is freaking out that she told Chris to go on whatever dates he wants, as she should, because he just said yes to a date with Jen.

Chris pulls Katie aside to tell her that he’s going on the date because “he would have liked her to have said she would cut off her arm for him.” That’s the kind of drama I’m looking for in a relationship too, Chris! Cut off your arm for me! Give me a vial of your blood for around my neck! Let me keep you in a box under my bed! I’m in. Call me.

Chris and Jen go on a boat, and he is “applying sunscreen,” and I’m nervous for her next skin cancer screening because this seems more like a sensual massage, and you really need to be vigilant with these things.

Chris and Jen are on rocky waters, literally. That is not me flexing my creative writing skills in a recap of the third-most popular show in a reality franchise. Chris throws up over the edge, and we are only on week three and now we’ve already seen two men puke their brains out. Can’t wait to see who’s next! *Please let it be Blake, please let it be Blake, please let it be BLAKE.*

The date basically ends there, because for some reason there was no night portion to this date. Chris decides to make up for the puking and plan a date when they get back home. He walks in and doesn’t even look at Katie. Dun dun dun.

Okay so the part of the date that Chris “planned” is laying on a bed and drinking champagne that I’m sure someone else uncorked. Such a sweet effort! I hope it also involved some teeth brushing because that’s all I can think about during this close-talking sesh.

Chris says that he thinks Jen is witty and has great one liners and then she says “why don’t we get in some calm waters” in reference to the hot tub, so I’m wondering if that’s what he meant by witty? Because if those are his standards for funny than you can call me Robin F*cking Williams.

Chris and Jen make out in the calm waters and I’m still wondering about the teeth brushing, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Production, give the people what we want! Show us the dental hygiene scene! Is that toothbrush electric, or manual?!

We cut to the beach where Nicole has composed a song for Clay.

NICOLE: I want you in my tummy
ME:

Chris takes Katie aside to tell her about the date. Katie tells him she was basically self-sabotaging when she said he could go on a date, and that she only wants to be with him. I think. I can barely hear anything over the sound of the waves. Did they blow their sound budget on Chris Harrison’s personal masseuse again?

Oh guys, update. Apparently Sydney and Mike are still there. I swear, vomit has gotten more screen time than they have.

Derek continues to talk about his trouble with Demi, and can someone PLEASE put me out of my misery and have this mysterious Kristian show up already? I only like this much talking about something if it’s me bitching about my coworkers.

Chris Harrison shows up to see Demi and she gives him a big hug, and I just get the feeling she’s sneaking into his room at night for some AC, chick flicks, and good old fashioned gossip. She’s clearly the favorite. Be on the lookout for matching pajamas.

Chris tells Demi that they’ve done something to help her make her decision. He points upstairs and there is Kristian, I presume. Demi cries and hugs and kisses her, and I would like to do the same because something is finally HAPPENING.

Demi fills Kristian in on her relationship with Derek, and Kristian seems upset they hooked up. I’m confused about where she thought Demi was going? Even my grandma knows everyone goes to Paradise to bang, and she gets spoon-fed jello for dinner every night. Demi tells Kristian that the second that she saw her in Paradise she knew that she wanted to be with her. Poor Derek. He never even had a chance.

Demi pulls Derek aside to rip his heart out on an air mattress that was haphazardly thrown on the sand. She tells him that Kristian is here now and that when she got here, she knew her heart was with Kristian. AND OMG. They are not making Demi go home?!!?!?!? She is pursuing her relationship with Kristian here!

How I imagine this idea came to be behind the scenes:

BACHELOR PRODUCERS:

BACHELOR PRODUCERS, AGAIN:

And so it was.

Derek is sad. It’s okay Derek. It’s Britney, Betch’s DM is still festering in your inbox if you would like attention from a new tiny blonde, but with a worse attitude.

Now that Derek is alone, he’s crying about how everyone says he’s a great guy, and why won’t anyone ever love him, and the same thing happens to him every time. Oh for f*ck’s sake Derek, this is not my therapists office. And even if it was, Diane wouldn’t stand for this amount of self pity. Buck up, walk into any bar in America as the tall, handsome man you are (who still has all his hair), and find a girl to take home. You’ll be fine. K? Good talk.

Derek and Kristian meet and are both very nice to each other, because I guess they saw last night what happens when you fight on this show. Sad that a piñata inspired more rage and passion in two people than Demi did, but what can you do? Those things are filled with candy.

Demi tells Kristian that Paradise is the perfect place to fall in love and asks her to stay. I’m sorry, the perfect place to fall in love? Are we sure we’re thinking of the same place? Paradise might be the perfect place to develop a strange itch on your genitals, but to fall in love? Kristian agrees to stay, and I fear she’s being misled.

Demi brings Kristian to meet everyone. Blake is confused because he has never seen this woman before, and he didn’t have the chance to DM her before she got there! He’s calling up his Mommy to cry about it as we speak. It’s not fair!

Demi explains who Kristian is and says they’re staying in Paradise together. Everyone is happy for them, and boy are they going to ruin you, Kristian. Behind the scenes, Hannah is crying over Demi and Kristian’s true love, mustering up more emotion for a woman she met this afternoon than she has this whole season for the man that would sell his kidney on the black market to get salami for her charcuterie board.

Demi and Kristian immediately get a date card because in his past life, Chris Harrison was a sociopath who enjoyed manipulating the pain of other human beings for his own pleasure. Or in this life. Sorry, Derek!

Kristian tells Demi she could never go through something like this again and Demi tells her that she wants to do whatever she needs to do to be with Kristian. They say they love each other. And it would all be so sweet if I could hear any sort of passion through Kristian’s relentless monotone.

And that’s all, friends! I’ll see you next week for some more grown man tears and vomit!

Images: ABC; Giphy (5)

Taylor Nolan And Derek Peth Broke Off Their Engagement

Breaking news hit Bachelor Nation today, as Taylor Nolan and Derek Peth announced that they’ve ended their engagement and are going their separate ways. Guys, help. I’m trying so hard not to make a “trouble in paradise” joke right now, but how can I not? After meeting last season on Bachelor In Paradise, Taylor and Derek were basically inseparable, and he proposed to her at the end of the season. Unsurprisingly, getting engaged mere weeks after meeting on a reality show is not the formula for a lasting relationship. I am shocked?

They announced the split in a joint statement to E! News:

“It is with much sadness that we have decided to end our engagement. We put everything we could into our relationship and are heartbroken to go forward separately, but we know this is the best decision for the both of us. We will still be present in each other’s lives with support, admiration and respect for each other.”

This statement really tells us nothing, which is disappointing but I also respect that they’re keeping the drama private. @Ronnie from Jersey Shore, take some notes. No matter how you felt about Taylor and Derek together, the split really isn’t all that surprising. As previously mentioned, they got engaged weeks after meeting on a reality show, and also neither of them had posted about the other in almost a month. This relationship probably just ran its course, and they got engaged way too soon.

The one where…

A post shared by Taylor Nolan (@taymocha) on

And with that Instagram, I relive the hazy memories of Taylor Nolan and Derek Peth at the Betches Meme Gala. Good times, good times. Going through a breakup is always hard, but I have a feeling that both of them will be okay. Taylor is still only 24, so she has plenty of time to get back out there and live her life. Derek is 30, so like, it’s far from over for him too. Actually, maybe it’s not too late to get one or both of them on the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise? I’m sure Chris Harrison is making some phone calls as we speak.

Best of luck to Taylor and Derek in whatever they do next, but I just have one question. Who gets the $50,000 Neil Lane ring? Can I have it?

Images: Getty Images; taymocha / Instagram

You Probably Forgot These ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Couples Are Still Together

With The Bachelorette starting soon, featuring American’s Minnesoooootan sweetheart, Becca K., I am predicting it will be super fucking dull. Which is actually a compliment to Becca, because it means she’s a very nice, normal girl who is unlikely to have a mental breakdown on national television. And let’s be real, if she was going to freak the fuck out, it probably would have been during the bullshit that was her un-proposal. So unless they are able to find the male Corinne to shake things up, I’m assuming we’ll be watching a nice, normal girl from Minnesota date nice, normal men. Boring AF. The real excitement is going to be the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, which will start later this summer. We know a whole slew of Arie’s rejects will be there (stoner Bekah, Raven look-alike and BFF Tia, Bibiana, and Seinne, to name a few), but will these bitches find love? In order to answer that, we had to look to which Bachelor in Paradise couples are actually together less than a year later. Going off how many Bachelor couples are still together, it seems like getting a bunch of singles drunk on an island actually makes for more lasting relationships than just letting one guy choose between 35 Laurens. Who knew?? Anyway, here are the Bachelor in Paradise couples who defied all odds and still talk to each other.

1. Derek & Emotionally Intelligent Taylor

A post shared by Taylor Nolan (@taymocha) on

Full disclosure, Derek and Taylor were not one of my favorite Bachelor in Paradise couples, but they seem happy now so I guess I’m thrilled for them or whatever. I don’t think Taylor smiled the entire time in Paradise, and Derek is the poor man’s Jim Halpert. Sue me. Derek and Taylor got engaged on the After Paradise special last season, and judging by their Instagram posts, they are still together and take lots of free vacations. (Must be nice.) How much would you like to bet me that they’ll have a fake wedding on this season’s premiere of Paradise just like Carly and Evan, Lacy and Marcus, etc? (Sidenote: love that after their pretend wedding, Lacy stopped speaking to Marcus. Just iconic level ghosting.)

2. Raven & Adam

This relationship was confusing to me, mostly because Adam was the guy who brought his creepy AF little doll of himself on his season of The Bachelorette and again to Paradise. Shivers. Adam must finally be giving Raven orgasms, because they are shockingly still together. UsWeekly even reported a while back that they’re moving in together, so maybe we can add them to the docket of Paradise weddings. Even though initially I felt like Raven only chose Adam for more air time, now these two are one of the stronger Bachelor in Paradise couples. I don’t want to ask how the doll is involved in this.

3. Corinne & Demario (Sort Of)

A post shared by DeMario Jackson (@demariojackson_) on

Un-fucking-believably, Corinne and Demario spent Valentine’s Day together this year. I really did enjoy the After Paradise special where Corinne basically said, “I’m sorry I insinuated that you assaulted me, and I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.” The whole thing was crazy and unsettling and I will throw my TV out the window if we spend any time of the upcoming season discussing this bullshit again. Corinne and Demario don’t officially seem to be dating, but who knows? They did go to Disney together, and I feel like if you can remain friends with someone after a sexual misconduct scandal, anything is possible. What a great story for them to tell their kids one day.
Images: @taymocha, @demariojackson_ / Instagram; Giphy