What You Need To Know About The $2 Trillion Coronavirus Relief Package

Well, well, well, look who decided to do their jobs. After a contentious few days of disagreeing on what tf should be included in the coronavirus bill, it is starting to look like Democrats, Republicans and the White House have agreed that economic collapse occasioned by a global pandemic should have some sort of financial remedy.

Democrats received some heat after rejecting the original coronavirus bill drafted by Republicans, but it looks as though their move has paid off. Revisions have been made that will support working people and, stay with me here, not give a blank check to big businesses.

Gotta love when your government is like, “UGH okay, FINE, we’ll consider the value of human lives as opposed to the value of money, a concept that is literally made up.”

Passed by the Senate late last night, the final product is the largest economic stimulus in modern history. Even bigger than 2009.

So, what exactly is included in this bad boy? I’m gonna break that down for you, hon. No, no, it’s really no problem. I’ve been able to set aside some time in my VERY busy quarantined schedule. Had to postpone sitting in my room and staring at the wall/screaming for this. You’re welcome.

The $500 Billion Loan Program for Businesses Will Have A Babysitter

The main ish Dems had with the Republican’s bill was how it gave so much to businesses and appeared to allow the Trump Admin to decide willy nilly which businesses get what amount, which they cannot be trusted to do since exchanging cash for political favors is one of Trump’s favorite past times.

Now, the “corporate slush fund” at least has some checks and balances. There will likely be an appointed inspector and congressional committee which will oversee the funds. theoretically, this means big biz can’t just use the bailouts to give themselves raises and buy back their stocks (**cough post-2008 recession cough**) instead of hiring back their workers.

It also means Trump can’t just be like, “$500 billion to Trump hotels and none for Gretchen Wieners anyone else.” In fact, Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office announced they secured a provision that will “prohibit businesses controlled by the President, Vice President, Members of Congress, and heads of Executive Departments from receiving loans or investments from Treasury programs.” We love to see it.

Municipalities will also have access to this fund

Unemployment Is Getting A Glow Up

Idk if you heard, but coronavirus is ruining everything and has led to a lot of people getting laid off. A massive 3.3 million people filed for unemployment last week. Our programs are not equipped for this kind of crisis. It’s almost like government-funded benefits serve a purpose and are meant to be in place for times like this? Hm, will have to look into this later.

Anyway, since the current unemployment programs can’t possibly cover everyone who needs them right now, this bill proposes to help them out. The bill will increase unemployment insurance by $600 per week for four months. This benefit would extend to gig economy workers, freelancers, and furloughed workers who are still getting health insurance from their employers but are not receiving a paycheck.

If you have recently been laid off, this is for you. You can file for unemployment! And if you’re a freelancer or gig worker who has lost work, you can apply now too, which was not the case before.

$1,200 Checks Oprah Style. Kind Of.

Okay this one applies to many of us. Yay. Adults who make $75k or less annually, according to their tax returns, will receive a one time check of $1,200. You also get $500 per child in your household.

This is nice but is a bit of a bandaid on a bullet wound situation, imo. There’s no guarantee that more money will be coming, and tbh $1,200 doesn’t go that far for many of us. For many, this will mean being able to pay rent and then continuing to worry about how to put food on the table. For others it will mean being able to put a small dent in medical bills they have been slammed with because of coronavirus.

It’s a start, and I hope it provides you with some relief, but I hope to see more int he future.

At a press conference on Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said he expects direct payments to go out in about three weeks.

Hospitals Can Have A Little Help, As A Treat

Thank fucking god. Hospitals are, uh, pretty important during a pandemic. Go figure. The bill will contain $150 billion for hospitals treating coronavirus patients. $100 billion will go to hospitals, $1 billion will go to the Indian Health Service, and the remainder will be used to increase medical equipment capacity.

Wild that privatizing healthcare didn’t hold up in the end.

Small Businesses Can Hang Too

There would be $367 billion in the bill aimed at providing loans for small businesses that retain their workers in this bill. Amazing that smaller, local businesses, which typically make less money than large businesses, get less money from the government than the big ones who don’t need it as much do.

Incredible system. No notes.

I sincerely hope this helps keep our favorite local cafes, bars, restaurants, boutiques, etc. afloat.

And A Lil’ Something For Local Gov

With the bill, $150 billion would be given to state and local governments who are dealing with the impacts of the crisis in their local communities, including $8 billion for tribal governments. That’s nice.

The bill also includes eliminated interest on student loans through September, $400 million to support main-in voting, $450 million for the Emergency Food Assistance Program, and a delay on the REAL ID requirement.

Is This It?

Not if it’s up to Nancy Pelosi. The Speaker of the House said she hopes to send another round of direct payments to Americans in a subsequent package.


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Here’s What to Expect From The Impeachment Hearings

Public impeachment hearings start tomorrow, and like literally every day since November 4th, 2016, it’s bound to be a sh*t show. The public will be able to watch the hearings, which is what the Republicans wanted, but that seems off because I, a liberal woman, am excited about it? It seems like the hearings are going to be pretty damning for Trump, and letting the general public see that for themselves could lead to people losing faith in the president. On the other hand, sounds great to me! Is this what straight dudes feel like on the eve of the “Superbowl?” Anyway, here’s what to expect when expecting the president to get impeached.

When Exactly Are The Hearings?

First things first. The initial hearing is on Wednesday morning at 10am EST. The second hearing is on Friday at 9am EST. Both of these are usually during the sacred time when I hit ‘snooze’ for the 17th time of the morning, but I’m willing to make an exception for these iconic events.

Who Will Be Starring in These Hearings?

Great Q. Adam Schiff will be calling three major witnesses who have already testified behind closed doors. Those people are:

William Taylor: Homeboi is the guy who texted Gordon Sondland after the infamous Ukraine call and was all like, “Yoooo, are we really saying that security assistance and WH meeting are conditioned on investigations? Seems pretty sketch lol,” (paraphrasing), and then Sondland was all like, “Dude, call me. We can’t have this in writing.” (paraphrasing) Taylor’s testimony behind closed doors didn’t look good for Trump, as he made it clear that there seemed to be a quid pro quo directly at the center of the call, so we’re looking forward to round two in his public hearing! Oh, William Taylor is also the top diplomat in Ukraine, so kind of a big deal.

George Kent: This guy is the deputy assistant secretary of state for European and Eurasian affairs, and he previously went awf on how Rudy Giuliani is a moron went against the traditional bipartisan approach regarding U.S. support for Ukraine in an effort to push for political investigations. We love to see it.

Marie Yovanovitch: A queen!!! You may remember her as the woman who was ousted from her position as the U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, which she says was due to her lack of blind support for Trump. She said that she was told by Ukrainians to “watch my back” because Giuliani’s associates were pushing their business interests and viewed her as an obstacle. Tea!!!

WTF Is Gonna Happen?

Another great Q. The country is clearly divided, and it’s hard to say if these hearings will help persuade people into believing that the president should be impeached. Call me cynical, but I have a feeling those who believe he should be impeached will continue to feel that way, and those who don’t will continue to come up with whatever they need to in order to make some roundabout argument that Trump is a god.

Either way, Democrats are likely to keep pushing what they have been during this process: that Trump withheld military aid from Ukraine for political gain, and for that he should be impeached because of it. Their strategy seems to be to simply make what was made clear behind closed doors public.

Republicans have come up with a lot of ways to defend the president’s actions, but a memo with their defense plan was released by CNN and it looks like their main talking points will be that a) the July 25 call summary “shows no conditionality or evidence of pressure”, b) Zelensky and Trump have said there was no pressure on the call, c) the Ukrainian government was not aware of the hold on assistance during the July 25 call and d) the security assistance hold was lifted on September 11. There are some holes in these arguments, so stay tuned to see how they defend them.


Will The Republicans Call Witnesses?

Devin Nunes has sent a list of people the Republicans would like to call as witnesses, though the House has to sign off on them. The Repubs famously want to call the original whistleblower as a witness, which would go against protecting their identity and put their life at risk. So, yeah, that’s probs not going to happen. Looking forward to seeing Lindsey Graham cry about it, though.

So, Then What?

There will likely be more hearings the following week, but Democrats have made it clear that they want to wrap this all up quickly, ideally by the end of the year. The Intelligence Committee will prepare a report with recommendations and send it on over to the House Judiciary Committee. Then the House Judiciary Committee will be in charge of drafting any impeachment articles they see fit. The House Judiciary Committee is also likely to hold hearings. Once they draft their impeachment articles, there will be a House vote on whether or not to impeach the prez. So basically, there will be lots of hearings and lots of committees. Rude that the only committee I am a part of — The Itty Bitty Titty Committee — will not be asked to make any input, but ok.

So Like, Will Trump Be Forced to Leave Office?

Tbh, probs not. Again, I’m cynical, but the past few years haven’t given me any reason not to be. The Senate would have to vote to remove Trump from office, and Republicans are in the majority. They’ve made it pretty clear that they’ll willing to back up the president, even if it means ignoring clear evidence of wrongdoings. But who knows, maybe the Ghost of Christmas Past will visit all Republican senators this holiday season and convince them to get their moral compasses in line!!

Until then, see you at the impeachment hearing viewing party!

Everything You Need to Know About 2020 Candidate Bernie Sanders

Well, you know how the saying goes. If at first you don’t succeed, blame the woman you were running against and try again. Yes, you heard right, or more likely read right as your timeline once again became flooded with Bernie Bros retweeting the news: Senator Bernie Sanders is running again. This is kind of like when that band who had a super popular song that a bunch of people on your campus liked that you could never get into decides to release another single even after their weird genre of folk-pop passed. While we heard all about him leading up to the 2016 election, let’s have a little course refresher on where he stands on everything.

I’m running for president. I am asking you to join me today as part of an unprecedented and historic grassroots campaign that will begin with at least 1 million people from across the country. Say you’re in: https://t.co/KOTx0WZqRf pic.twitter.com/T1TLH0rm26

— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) February 19, 2019

Who Is He?

If his name sounds familiar, it’s because you heard it every day in 2015 and 2016. When he first announced his campaign for the 2016 Democratic nomination for President, where he was immediately classified as an ultra-progressive because of his radical democratic socialist opinions like that people shouldn’t go bankrupt over medical bills. He was the second front-runner behind Hillary Clinton, who he ultimately endorsed. Besides that — he is the long-term junior Senator for Vermont, a position he has held since 2007 and was re-elected for this past year.

Bernie has a looooong history in politics, dating all the way back to the civil rights movement when he was a member of the Young People’s Socialist League, the Congress of Racial Equality, and the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee. So yeah, he’s not f*cking around when it comes to progressive policies. 

What Are The Pros?

Bernie is obviously no stranger to the campaign trail. He’ll definitely have the upper-hand in terms of debates and how to handle the stresses that come with running for the most important job in the world (besides being Beyoncé). Additionally, he’s notably been liberal since the beginning of his career in politics; unlike other Democratic candidates who have been accused of flip-flopping on social issues as they get more clout. With that, he has been noted to help the left get a little bit more left. Major issues like labor rights, human rights, and climate change are on the top of his campaign, which puts him against many of our current President’s ideals. Sanders not only stood against Trump during the 2016 election, but continues to do so in his Senate seat — it’s always refreshing to hear a politician refer to climate change as one of the greatest threats to national security. If you’re reading this while drinking out of a plastic straw, please recycle it into a bracelet and buy a metal one ASAP.

Also, do you guys remember that time a bird landed on his podium in 2016? That was awesome.

What are the Cons?

At 77, he is one of the oldest candidates in the race. Additionally, his supporters may be some of the… more outspoken ones in recent history. It’s impossible to forget the vocal Bernie Bros from 2016 (one of the many reasons Twitter is now a hellhole), and there’s no doubt that they’ll be in full swing for this campaign — mainly because they have been since he endorsed Hillary. One of his major assets were that he was one of the more liberal voices running in the 2016 election, using Hillary Clinton’s previous political work as a way to push her more central. The issue now? He’s no longer the only kid on campus carrying a Nalgene with COEXIST stickers on it. Kamala Harris is a breath of fresh air to the campaign and Elizabeth Warren probably uses the same granola recipe as him.

Where Do I Find Out More?

If you’re curious to learn more about the Sanders campaign, they just renewed their Wix account and relaunched his campaign site here. Feel the bern!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Need To Know Abut 2020 Candidate Cory Booker

Surprising to no one who has been watching his career, Cory Booker announced last week his official campaign for the 2020 Presidency, along with two of his friends in politics: Kamala Harris and Kristen Gillibrand. As someone from New Jersey who has seen him speak on multiple occasions, he’s like the kid in your high school that got voted for every superlative: he’s funny, personable, and handsome. But, unlike The Bachelor, you can’t just pick your President based on their great smile — so let’s get to know him a little bit better together. And besides, no one’s smile is better than Obama’s.

So, Who Is He?

The first African-American U.S. Senator for New Jersey, Booker has been a long advocate for important civil issues that are being stripped away as we speak in politics. Women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights and affirmative action are high-up on his ‘socially liberal’ platform. Additionally, he knows that being dramatic can prove a point: back in 1998, when running for mayor, he staged a hunger strike that lasted over a week long and lived in a tent to highlight issues in Newark, New Jersey. Additionally, he’s vegan and an eligible bachelor (for any gays in Brooklyn reading this, I’m also both of those). His first lady may be spoken for already, because he’s rumored to be dating Rosario Dawson — so if he wins, I’m guessing “Out Tonight” will be the new National Anthem? If you’re also a forty-eight year old woman at heart, watch his appearance on The View to get a sense of him.

What Are the Pros?

Cory Booker is a great guy. He’s very much the cool dad of one of your friend’s who, when you’d go back to your house after a sleepover, you’d shout at your dad at saying “WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE CORY?!” He feels that the country has lost faith in the government (no duh) and wants to take America back to the way it was before the Shit Storm of 2016. Plus, his money is where his mouth is: last year, after Michael Cohen’s (yup, him) office was raided, Booker was one of the Senators who introduced the Special Counsel Independence and Integrity Act to limit a President’s executive power.

Because who would ever abuse that?

What Are the Cons?

He’s a very charming, liberal, and progressive guy. But (because there’s always a but), some of his political ties could hurt him from a Democratic standpoint: mainly with Big Pharma. Back in 2017, he actually voted to kill a bill that would lower prescription drug prices — a weird move for someone with his values. It starts to make sense, though, when you see that he actually has received funding from “pharmaceutical and health product” industries in the past.

On the flip side, some may feel he’s too progressive: notably, in regards to marijuana. He wants to encourage states with the incentive of federal funds to make marijuana legal — a move that makes sense, but may hurt him with some older voters or 2016 Republican voters who are looking to jump ship. He also has dabbled in Instagram poetry, which would be a red flag for me on a dating app.


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Where Can I Find Out More?

You’ll definitely want to keep your eyes and ears open for all moves by Booker (either on date night’s with Dawson or during upcoming appearances) because I feel he will be involved in this race til the end. Check out his website here and duh, listen to the Betches Sup podcast for all things about him and more.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Need To Know About 2020 Candidate Kirsten Gillibrand

The 2020 election is heating tf up and we’re not even done with January of 2019. I’m already pre-exhausted. That said, some exciting candidates have joined the Democratic primary so far and now we’ve got Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand of New York to add to that list. Last week Senator Gillibrand announced she’s opening an exploratory committee to become president, which is like the first step to running. (Kind of like how putting on your sweatpants is the first step toward staying all night.)

Here’s everything you need to know about the Senator from New York who could be the first female president.

TONIGHT: @SenGillibrand stops by @colbertlateshow to announce that she is forming an exploratory committee to run for President of the United States! #LSSC pic.twitter.com/vPUpF1gs8z

— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) January 15, 2019

Who Is Kirsten Gillibrand?

Kirsten Gillibrand is the junior senator from New York (Chuck Schumer is the senior) and she’s most known for her work around sexual assault in the military and her advocacy for the #MeToo movement. Senator Gillibrand joined the Senate in 2010, where she worked on bills to end sexual assault in the military and to end sexual harassment. (Sounds good to me.) She was also the first senator to call for Al Franken to resign and has strongly criticized Bill Clinton even though they’re in the same party so and least we know she’s f*cking around when it comes to speaking out against abuse.

So What Are The Pros?

Gillibrand is running a suuuuper feminist campaign, so if you’re into that kind of thing, she’s might be your girl. (And if you’re not into that kind of thing…bye?) She’s dedicated her life to helping women, particularly assault victims, and she’s repeatedly introduced legislation to provide paid family leave up to twelve weeks for both mothers and fathers. (For reference: Norway gives 93 weeks at 49% of your salary sooooo maybe try procreating with a Norwegian?) She also worked to provide ongoing healthcare coverage for 9/11 first responders and was part of repealing “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” so yeah, her record kind of rocks.

Also — and this is significantly less important — I think it would be fun to have a president named Kirsten.

But What Are The Cons?

Gillibrand’s decision to call for Al Franken’s resignation is still pretty controversial, with some Democrats saying she was too harsh on the senator after allegations that he groped several women with photographic evidence. You decide where you stand on that one.

Gillibrand has also come under fire for her evolving position on guns, and she once had an “A” rating from the NRA. She’s since said she’s “embarrassed” by her past positions on guns and even went so far as to call out the NRA saying they are “not about hunters’ rights its about money.”

She’s also had to apologize for some of her past immigration positions, including opposing amnesty and sanctuary cities and voting against an NY bill that would have allowed undocumented immigrants to have drivers licenses. Gillibrand now supports immigration reform, and voted against a bipartisan budget deal that didn’t include protections for DACA. Sooo yeah, our girl Kirsten does appear to have changed her mind on a lot of these key issues, but it’s up to the voters to decide if she did that because she genuinely had a change of heart, or just because she wanted to be pres someday.

Where Can I Find Out More?

To find out more about Gillibrand and her campaign, check out her website. It’s never too early to start daydreaming about the next president!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Need To Know About 2020 Candidate Kamala Harris

Just as the prophecies foretold, Kamala Harris has declared her bid for a 2020 Presidential run. She joins hopefuls Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Julián Castro, and more. We all *knew* this was going to happen but it’s like taking a test. You can have a feeling you failed but it’s best to wait for confirmation. Harris isn’t a failure, however. She’s quite the opposite. Here’s what to know about her so this weekend you can attract all the cute Kamala Harris stans at the bar and/or just generally be informed about the presidential ticket. Whichever is more important to you.

I’m running for president. Let’s do this together. Join us: https://t.co/9KwgFlgZHA pic.twitter.com/otf2ez7t1p

— Kamala Harris (@KamalaHarris) January 21, 2019

So Who Is Kamala Harris?

Okay, if at this point you don’t have a basic understanding of who Kamala Harris is…that’s okay but like, maybe be a little bit ashamed. She’s a California senator and former US attorney. She was born to immigrant parents from India and Jamaica. Since Day 1 she’s looked at Trump and his cabinet and given a resounding “nah.” She’s gained a lot of popularity this past year because of her performance in several high-profile Senate hearings, where she really put her background as a prosecutor on display by asking tough questions and giving no fucks. Harris announced her candidacy on Martin Luther King Day (casual) and on the same week that Shirley Chisholm became the first black person and the first woman to ever run for president 47 years ago. So yeah, I think it’s safe to say that Kamala isn’t here to play.

People pronounce my name many different ways. Let #KidsForKamala show you how it’s done. pic.twitter.com/7QoQGN0B4k

— Kamala Harris (@KamalaHarris) May 24, 2016

And What Are The Pros?

There is a lot to love about this woman. Like, she checks off a lot of boxes for our next political power crush. She thinks Trump’s wall is stupid (it is), she thinks we are facing a health care crisis (we are), and has made a point to prioritize women’s issues (she should.) She wants to get rid of assault weapons and believes in raising the minimum wage to $15/hr. Along with good political stances, she’s a no-nonsense, intelligent woman who hits the perfect balance of striking fear and inspiration in my heart.

If you want to amp yourself up for the weekend, here’s a Harris grilling Honorable Shit Bag earlier this fall.


What Are The Cons?

While it’s very exciting to have a progressive woman of color running for the highest office in the land, Kamala Harris’ history as a prosecutor is rightfully giving people pause. Not just that she was a prosecutor, but specifically has defended the death penalty in California and hasn’t diligently fought for prison reform. In fact, a lot of her career was very much supporting the current prison industrial system.

Now, that’s common for prosecutors, but it gets iffy when she starts calling herself a reformist and progressive. It’s like the real emo kids who get very suspicious when a new kid who’s never had bleached side bangs comes in wearing a Get Up Kids t-shirt all of a sudden. This doesn’t mean she can’t have changed her tune over the years – I used to think chunky highlights looked good – but she will definitely need to address the inconsistencies in her position because they’re already raising some serious side eyes for her candidacy. Luckily, Harris is like, the queen of side eyes, so she probably knows how to handle them pretty well.

Where Can I Find Out More?

If you’re ready to hop on the Harris train, check out her website. And hey, it couldn’t hurt to rep your girl by buying Shop Betches’ exclusive  Icons Tee. Just sayin’.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Need to Know About 2020 Candidate Julián Castro

While the government isn’t technically open for biz at the mo, we are still gearing up for what the government will be like in the future. Sure, we’ll take it. In case you’re as bad at math as I am, I will point out that it is currently 2019, which means the 2020 presidential election is…next year. *Has a flashback to the 2016 election and breaks out in nervous hives*

Trump has got to go, but the question of who exactly will be the one to take his lumpy ass down is still up in the air. Our girl Elizabeth Warren recently announced that she will be running, and more are following her lead. In fact, Julián Castro just announced on January 12th that he too will be seeking the Democratic nomination for prez. Castro isn’t quite as well known as Warren, so his potential nomination begs the Q: new candidate, who dis?

Who TF is Julian Castro?

Wow, amazing question. Julián Castro was formerly the youngest member of the Obama Cabinet, where he served as the 16th United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. There was speculation about whether or not our gal HRC would choose Castro as her running mate for VP in 2016, but she ended up going with that boring, old white guy who was so boring, white, and old that I literally can’t remember his name rn. (Okay so it was Tim Kaine and I think he plays the harmonica or some sh*t?) Castro is a native of San Antonio, Texas, where he served as the youngest city council member and as the mayor. Okay, damn, we’re listening.

Julian Castro attended Stanford University where he majored in Political Science and Communications. He has been vocal about the fact that he got into Stanford because of affirmative action, and cites this as an example of how affirmative action works. Okay, love that. After Stanford, he went on to attend Harvard Law School. He then interned at the White House during the Clinton presidency. After that, he worked for a law firm before opening his own firm with his — wait for it — twin brother. That’s right. He has a twin brother. And like, not to be a bitch, but they are both certified snacks. MAGLA (Make America Good Looking Again).

Okay, So What Are The Pros?

Castro is a very progressive candidate, which is so hot right now. He has been a longtime advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, which he was very vocal about during his time as Mayor of San Antonio. He stands firmly against the way Trump is dealing with immigration and condemns family separation at the border. He is very pro Black Lives Matter and has described the killing of African Americans by police as “state violence.” He wants to raise the minimum wage, as well as rejoin the Paris Climate accords. He is also pushing for greater funding for education. During his time as mayor of San Antonio, Castro successfully increased the city’s sale tax in order to fund a Pre-Kindergarden program, which was a risky move. This proves his willing to fight for what he believes in, even if it means he could lose popularity. Very chic.

Okay, Now Hit Me With the Cons

As previously mentioned, Julian Castro isn’t that well known, which means his chances at winning are a bit slim. He’s also from Texas, and if fellow Texan Beto O’Rourke stops Instagramming his root canals and gets in the race, it could be hard for him to stand out in the race. And the debate is still on re: are v progressive candidates the ones Democrats will nominate and elect, or are the older members of the party too stubborn and unwilling to do so.  He’s also never been a governor, senator, or vice president. But like, our current president has never been a person who knows how to spell ‘border’ so who knows. In short, the question is whether or not backing such an unlikely candidate is worth it in the end.

Because I am a v professional journalist I will not say one way or the other. But I will say he’s young, he’s the grandson of immigrants, he’s progressive…and he has a hot twin.

How Do I Learn More?

Want to read more about Julian Castro? You can check out his website here, read a NYT write up on him here, and check out a Politico opinion piece on his candidacy here.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Elizabeth Warren

Welp, it’s official. Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts has opened up an exploratory committee, which is phase one of running for President in 2020. It’s like the casual coffee date of politics. If you like what you see, maybe you’ll move on to get drinks. Then you hook up a few times, things get serious, and next thing you know it’s a four-year relationship.

Senator Warren announced her candidacy on Twitter (coming for Donald in his own house, I see…) with a video focusing on her platform of economic justice, financial regulation, and just like generally yelling at rich people.

Every person in America should be able to work hard, play by the same set of rules, & take care of themselves & the people they love. That’s what I’m fighting for, & that’s why I’m launching an exploratory committee for president. I need you with me: https://t.co/BNl2I1m8OX pic.twitter.com/uXXtp94EvY

— Elizabeth Warren (@ewarren) December 31, 2018

But like, should Liz be president? That’s for you – and the nation – to decide. Here’s everything you need to know about her before the 2020 election. Which is next year, btw. *Starts panicking*

Who TF Is Elizabeth Warren?

Umm you should def know who Elizabeth Warren is by now, but this is a judgement-free article so I’ll let it slide. Elizabeth Warren is the Senator from Massachusetts who is best known for her ability to go apesh*t on bankers. Seriously. Watch this video of her hulking out on a Wells Fargo CEO after their company was caught creating fake accounts and cheating customers out of millions of dollars. She’s like, that version of you in your head that has the perfect clapbacks for everything and gives zero f*cks but like, in real life and in government.

But Elizabeth Warren doesn’t just jump out of bushes and scare billionaires (though I am pretty sure she does that). Warren is a former Harvard Law professor (what, like it’s hard?) who grew up in Oklahoma where her family struggled economically after the death of her father. She became an expert in bankruptcy law, and she became the HBLIC (Head Bankruptcy Lawyer In Charge) when former/forever President Barack Obama picked her to chair the Congressional Oversight Panel for the Troubled Asset Relief Program.

…Aaand what exactly does the “Congressional Oversight Panel for the Troubled Asset Relief Program” heven me? Basically she was part of helping Obama bring the economy back after the banking crisis of 2008. She then went on to head the newly created Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, where it basically became her literal job to tell big banks to f*ck themselves. Dress for the job you want, fam.

In 2012, Warren went on to become the Senator from Massachusetts where she has had the distinct privilege of yelling not only at bankers, but at Mitch McConnell. In 2017, McConnell actually had the Senate vote to silence Warren (yes, the Senate can vote to silence people) during her objections to the confirmation of Jeff Sessions. When asked about voting to silence Warren, McConnell said, “ was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.

And thus, a feminist meme was born. And if that’s not her campaign slogan, she’s already lost.

So What Are The Pros?

Elizabeth Warren is progressive as f*ckkkk–assuming you’re into that kind of thing. If you’re not, maybe you can try Sears Biden? She’s running on a platform of middle class economic relief, Medicare for all, racial justice, climate action, and basically everything your #wokest of woke friend starts yelling about when she’s drunk at brunch.

Also she pisses off Trump a lot, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, ya know?

Aaaand The Cons?

There’s no more eloquent way to put this. Back in October our girl Liz did a dumb, dumb thing that made her look dumb and now she might not win because of how dumb she looked. Here’s the background: in the ‘90s, Elizabeth Warren filled out a form for the Association of American Law Schools where she said that she was Native American. Harvard then listed her as a minority. Warren says that she made this designation because of “family stories” that had been passed down to her, and Harvard said that she did not list herself as a minority on her application to get into school there, so it did not affect her admission.  A  report in the Boston Globe that looked into Warren’s career said that ethnicity played “no factor”. But because Trump is who he is (a demon created when the eighties f*cked a gun), he now calls Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” He does this because he is racist likes to claim that she falsified her race to get ahead professionally.

Unfortunately, Trump’s bullsh*t got the best of her, and back in October 2018 she went out and released the results of a DNA test which showed that she had a Native American ancestor between six and ten generations ago. So like…two hundred years ago. Basically she acted like that one relative whose 23 And Me says they’re .00008% Lakota and starts making you call them Aunt Blood Moon. Not a great look. Warren was criticized by the Cherokee nation over the move (I believe their exact words were “b*tch please…”) and Trump still calls her Pocahontas because he is racist doesn’t really give a f*ck if she’s Native American or not.

Where Do I Find Out More?

Wanna find out more about Elizabeth Warren for President? Here is the website for her exploratory committee. It’s never too early to start stanning your (wo)man for 2020.

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