2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
Last week, Bachelor Nation was shocked to learn that Cassie Randolph filed for a restraining order against Colton Underwood, and since then, things have taken a dark turn. On Monday, September 14, a judge signed off on Cassie’s request for a temporary order which requires Colton to stay at least 100 yards away from Cassie, her home, and her workplace. It also prohibits him from contacting, harassing, threatening, or attacking her.
When Cassie first filed the restraining order, it was reported that she made several allegations against Colton, including that he harassed her over text message, took “obsessive walks” to her apartment complex, and placed a tracker on her car. Now, E! News has obtained the full legal filing, and there are a lot more details about what allegedly went down and the timeline of this whole f*cked up situation.
In her official restraining order filing, Cassie lists the “dates of abuse” as starting in June, and continuing through late August—all after they announced their breakup in May of this year.
One of the first alleged incidents included in the complaint took place on June 27th, when Cassie was staying with her parents in Orange County. According to the filing, Cassie’s brother “saw Mr. Underwood in the alley outside Ms. Randolph’s bedroom window at two in the morning.” The filing states that after being confronted, Colton sent “threatening texts” to Cassie, as well as her best friend Linda and her brother. Since then, the filing states that Colton has again been seen “hanging around Ms. Randolph’s family home in Huntington Beach.”
In the texts from that night, Colton called Cassie “a selfish person who isn’t ready to be loved,” and accused her of disrespecting him after he “spent two years loving you the best I could.” He also called her “so shady” and said “you hid things from me”. A few hours later, he sent another message apologizing.
The filing also alleges that Colton has been hanging around Cassie’s home and on the street near her home, and that Cassie’s neighbors, family, and friends of the family have all seen him. On July 27th, Cassie’s friend Caelan came over to her apartment, and almost immediately, Colton “obsessively called and sent text messages to Ms. Randolph about the visit.” A few days later, Colton “showed up again at Ms. Randolph’s apartment, still upset again about Caelan’s visit”, and told Cassie, “I’m going to keep you accountable.”
Things between Cassie and Colton escalated once again in mid-August, when Cassie and her friends allegedly began receiving harassing text messages from anonymous phone numbers. Colton received similar text messages, but he later admitted to sending the texts, and texting himself so he would also look like a victim of the texting attack.
That same week, Cassie alleges she discovered a tracking device taped to her car, and that’s when she contacted the police and hired a private investigator to look into the situation. Two days later, after being approached about the numerous incidents, Colton “admitted that he was the one who put the tracker on her car and had been the one sending text messages to her, her friends and himself, under the alias phone numbers.” Colton himself has not publicly commented on the allegations and when reached by E!, a rep for Colton declined to comment on the situation based on the fact that this is an ongoing legal matter.
While things have obviously turned toxic between Cassie and Colton at this point, for a while, it seemed like their breakup was going okay. According to an E! News source, Cassie and Colton began filming a new reality show together in June, though it’s reported that Colton pulled out of the show when “things got really tough.” The first alleged incident Cassie reported took place in late June, so it didn’t take long for things to go bad once they were working together.
Then, in July, things between the pair soured publicly for the first time, after an appearance on a Bachelor GOAT episode in which Cassie was asked about her and Colton’s situation. While she didn’t reveal any major information, Colton clearly felt that she breached some agreement they’d had not to talk about the breakup, and he shaded her in an Instagram caption, saying that “obviously a lot changed this week.” In response, Cassie addressed Colton in Instagram story posts, calling Colton out for “trying to make me look like the bad one.” At the time, the root of this tension wasn’t known, but Cassie’s legal filing gives a lot more context to what was happening between them over the summer. The order will last until October 6th, at which point, there will be a hearing to determine the future of the case.
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Images: Tsuni-USA / Shutterstock.com
It’s been a strange summer in Bachelor Nation, with no new of Bachelor in Paradise, Clare’s season of The Bachelorette delayed several months, and ABC continually shoving three-hour recaps of boring old seasons down our throats. But in the absence of any new drama happening on our TV screens, there’s still some wild sh*t going down away from the cameras. Today, it was reported that Cassie Randolph filed for a restraining order against her ex Colton Underwood, and WE NEED ANSWERS.
As we all know, Cassie (very reluctantly) won Colton’s season of The Bachelor, which somehow happened just last year. They eschewed Bachelor tradition by not getting engaged on the final episode, but continued their relationship for over a year after their time on the show ended. This spring, Colton was one of the first major public figures diagnosed with COVID-19, and he even quarantined at Cassie’s parents’ house! But they ultimately broke up not long after in May, which wasn’t a huge shock to anyone, and there was essentially no public drama surrounding the breakup at the time. More than three months later, we still don’t know any of the specific reasons behind the split, but it’s safe to say that the resulting drama has bubbled to the surface.
In July, they had a public disagreement on Instagram, after Cassie made an appearance on an episode of Bachelor GOAT, where she was interviewed by Chris Harrison. Unsurprisingly, the breakup came up during the interview, and Colton then came for Cassie on Instagram, claiming that they had agreed to handle their personal matters privately, but “obviously a lot changed this week.” Cassie addressed Colton’s post on her Instagram story, writing that she was “frustrated” with his subtle attempts to “make me look like the bad one.”
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These last few weeks have been challenging because, by now, you all know I’m an open book and I enjoy sharing my life with y’all. When our relationship ended we agreed to handle things as privately as possible as we attempted to navigate our new relationship as friends. I chose to do that since we were living in this interim period, but obviously a lot changed this week. Every experience provides us with an opportunity for growth. If you’ve been kind enough to have followed our story you’ve been with us through all of the ups and downs which have taught me so many lessons. I’ve come to realize when you’re in the thick of it you just need to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective, in doing so I have gained so much clarity about what I want and more importantly what I need in a relationship. I’m so excited for this next chapter of my life with new stories and new people. I can’t thank y’all enough for your understanding and your support during this time. Your messages mean a lot!
So that all happened in early July, and then we basically heard nothing… until today. According to legal documents obtained by TMZ, Cassie filed the paperwork to obtain a restraining order on Friday in Los Angeles, but so far it’s unclear what allegations have been made, or if a judge has signed off on the order. So WTF happened now, more than three months after their breakup, to make Cassie take this step? First and foremost, I hope everyone in this situation is safe, but most people don’t just file a restraining order for no reason. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, and what response, if any, Colton will give to today’s news.
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Images: Tsuni-USA / Shutterstock.com; coltonunderwood / Instagram
For most of us, 2020 has probably not been the best time to get into a new relationship. With the combination of bars and restaurants being closed, social distancing guidelines in place, and some areas under literal stay-home orders, meeting new people isn’t an easy thing right now. But that’s apparently not the case for celebrities, because we’re still hearing about new couples all the time. In fact, lots of famous people have ended one relationship and started another, all during “quarantine.” We’ve all seen the million walks Ana de Armas and Ben Affleck have been going on, and now there’s a new celebrity couple going on walks together. Colton Underwood and Lucy Hale are apparently dating.
If your immediate reaction to this piece of news was “Lucy, WYD???”, then congratulations, you have taste. As we all know, Colton hasn’t been single for long—he and Cassie announced their breakup at the end of May. But while Cassie recently called him out for being shady on social media, it looks like Colton has moved on. On Wednesday, TMZ spotted him and Lucy on a hike together in Los Angeles, and there was not a mask in sight. According to TMZ’s sources, they’ve been seeing a lot of each other recently, and have gone on several “casual hike dates” in the last few weeks.
Colton Underwood and Lucy Hale are Casually Dating, Hiking Together https://t.co/EzI9gdAoFE
— TMZ (@TMZ) July 17, 2020
But in the most shocking twist to this story, Colton didn’t even have to do the work here! TMZ’s sources say that Lucy “reached out to Colton soon after his split from ex-girlfriend Cassie Randolph.” In this case, I feel like “reached out” is definitely a fancy way of saying she slid into his DMs, and good for her I guess. Considering Colton has already had COVID, maybe he’s the safest person to start dating right now?
While their IRL relationship is definitely recent, it turns out that Lucy Hale has been a fan of Colton for a long time. Back in 2018, when he was selected as the Bachelor, she told PeopleTV that she was “super excited” to see him as the lead. She added that he seemed “wholesome” and like a “good guy,” and that he was “beautiful to watch.” Tbh, if someone called me “beautiful to watch” I’d probably take out a restraining order, but I think she meant it as a compliment. I can’t wait for the conspiracy theories about how Lucy Hale manifested Colton and Cassie’s breakup just so she could shoot her shot with him—season 18 of Pretty Little Liars is getting crazy!
Even though Lucy Hale and Colton Underwood seem like a strange pairing, it’s definitely not the first time that a real celebrity has dipped into the dating pool of Bachelor Nation. Most notably, there’s Wells Adams and Sarah Hyland, who are currently engaged. Much like Lucy and Colton, Sarah had a crush on Wells during his initial run on The Bachelorette, and by the time he became the bartender on Bachelor In Paradise, they were openly flirting with each other on Twitter. Eventually the flirting started happening in real life, and the rest is history. Ah, modern love.
And who could forget last year’s whirlwind relationship between Tyler Cameron and Gigi Hadid? Truly, how did that happen less than a year ago? That was most likely another case of a super famous woman sliding into a Bachelor guy’s DMs, seeing as Gigi followed Tyler on Instagram before his time on Hannah’s season even came to an end. They were only together for a few months, but things seemed pretty serious, with Tyler meeting Gigi’s famous friends (including Serena Williams and Taylor Swift) and even going to Holland for her grandmother’s funeral. But that didn’t last too long, and soon Tyler was hanging out with Kylie’s BFF Stassie Karanikolaou.
And Tyler wasn’t the only one of Hannah Brown’s contestants who caught an A-lister’s eye. During the season, Demi Lovato posted on Instagram about Mike Johnson, and before long, they were flirting in each other’s comments. In September, they were seen at dinner together, and in a podcast interview, Mike said they had been on multiple dates, and that Demi “kisses really well.” Things fizzled out before long, but wow, 2019 was a year.
The most random celeb/Bachelor Nation couple of all time, however, has to be January Jones and Nick Viall. Rumors that they were an item started back in 2018, but neither of them said anything at the time. But earlier this year, Jones finally confirmed the story. In this case, it was Nick who slid into January’s DMs, after he saw her “blasting” him on social media during his time on the show. He offered to take her out to “see if I can change your mind,” and they went on a few dates after that. Jones said they mostly just talked about his time on the show, and that she “got a lot of juicy inside stuff.” Clearly things didn’t last that long, but I still can’t believe it happened in the first place.
So based on these past examples, it’s impossible to predict how Colton and Lucy’s new romance will end up—marriage could be in their future, or they could be over as soon as Lucy gets all the Bachelor tea she wants. Either way, hopefully they’re taking more s0cial distancing precautions than the paparazzi photos would suggest.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; TMZ / Twitter; sarahhyland / Instagram
Last week, Peter Weber finally revealed that he and Kelley Flanagan are dating. With a picture of them on a plane, no less, just in case you didn’t remember him screaming in our faces every week “I’M A PILOT, THAT MEANS I’M SEXY” and “WATCH HOW I MOVE MY HIPS DURING THIS SALSA DANCE.” Oh sorry, that last one had nothing to do with this photo. Peter’s finale was on March 9th, which means literally no time has passed since the season ended, because time doesn’t count when you’re in quarantine, or at least that’s what I told my mother when I refused to celebrate my birthday in April. In that time (no time) Peter has managed to get engaged to Hannah Ann, dump Hannah Ann, try and date Madison for 36 hours, and is now dating Kelley. While yes, technically the Hannah Ann stuff happened after the season finished filming at the end of November, I still declare that to be no time, since it was over the holidays and time isn’t real then either. And in all seriousness, I have to say, this is not a good look. In fact, it’s just messy. And even with all the trash that ABC has thrown at us over the years, I’m starting to wonder if Peter is the messiest of them all? Let’s take a look at past Bachelors and see if any of them can beat him at this game.
First, let me lay out my case for Peter. I understand walking into this thing with a chip on his shoulder because everyone wanted Tyler C to be the Bachelor, but that’s still no excuse for letting his dick hand out the roses every week. The Bachelor is not Are You The One. It is not Too Hot to Handle. It is supposed to be, or at least pretend to be, about finding a wife—not just someone you want to hook up with and make sponsored his-and-hers FabFitFun posts with. It was obvious from the beginning that Peter wasn’t looking for a wife, and proven when he brought two under-23-year-olds and a dementor to the Fantasy Suites.
So, eventually Peter proposed to Hannah Ann because she was the only one of his final two who would have sex with him and oh, also, didn’t eliminate herself. Shockingly, this did not turn into everlasting love. Peter is not the only Bachelor to change his mind after all the glitz, glamour, and Neil Lane’s blinding smile go away. But he is the only one whose relationship with the runner-up was so short that if they were binge watching Tiger King together at the start of it, they’d never even find out if Joe Exotic managed to kill that b*tch Carole Baskin. And he is certainly the only one to then move on to a THIRD woman from his show. Now he’s posting cringeworthy TikTok videos with Kelley, and Madison is responding with her own awful TikToks. I’m sorry, I cannot describe these any further because I tried to watch and I burst into flames of embarrassment, shame, and disgust. We’ll see where Peter’s relationship goes with Kelley. My heart says to root for them because she is age-appropriate and should have been the winner all along, but my head says that Kelsey should get her choreographed dance moves ready for when Peter is ready to move on in a few days.
We didn’t catch you. You’ve literally been posting videos together for a month.
And now, things have gotten even messier, because we found out this week that Peter and Kelley left Chicago to go back to LA—in the middle of a pandemic. Hmm, guess they were bored there, so now they want to be bored somewhere else! They’re now in the land of paparazzi, and we’ve already seen photos of them riding a tandem bike. Ew. Let’s not forget that Peter already flew to Chicago during the pandemic, so he’s a repeat offender at this point. Also, I hope he’s not hanging out with his parents, who are definitely old enough to be high-risk! People, how hard is it to just stay the f*ck where you are!?
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Where do I start Mrs. Mesnick. Let me apologize publicly again for putting you through the Bachelor🌹 mess that I created. With that being said… it built an incredible, unique, foundation for us to build our family – showing that we can make it through anything. You are, by far, the most generous person that I have ever met. Molly would literally take the shirt off her back for anyone (I beg her to do this all of the time 😉) Without a beat, she became a step-mom at age 25 and has been there, unconditionally, for Ty for 10 years. She's created the most beautiful and comfortable home for our family, welcomes everyone with an open door (she is the hostess with the mostest). I wish you could all see the way Riley looks up to her. Riley sees all that Molly is and is the perfect Mini-Molly. I love you with everything that I am and look forward to tackling the next chapter with you! Now lets go to @terranearesort for our 10 year celebration!
It’s hard to be messier than Peter, but Jason Mesnick was the OG of Bachelors That Change Their Mind™, so he can’t be forgotten. For all you beautiful young things who don’t need to slather your faces in expensive retinol, let mama tell you about Jason Mesnick. He was lucky Bachelor number 13, which aired in 2009. Ah, a time when we were so innocent and unaware of the terrors ABC had yet to unleash onto this world *cough* Chad Johnson *cough*.
On his season finale, Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa Rycroft and she accepted. Congrats! But then, on After the Final Rose, Jason realized he was still in love with Molly, his runner-up, and broke up with Melissa ON AIR. So this might not sound that shocking now that we’ve met The Shame of Scottsdale, Arie Luyendyk Jr., but back then this had never happened before, and things were not yet being manufactured to garner more Instagram followers. Plus, he did this on a live special! V messy, Jason. But to his credit, Jason is still with Molly today and they have adorable children, and I guess life is good and he got his sh*t together. So thanks for the entertainment, you crazy kids, glad it worked out!
I’d also be remiss not to mention that we have Jason to thank for Reality Steve. His season was the first one Steve ever spoiled, and the rest is history, as they say. So thank you both for helping me win my Bachelor brackets for at least the last five years, and letting me get away with calling it a “God-given talent”.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
You all knew he was coming. And now he doesn’t even seem all that original anymore, does he? After nine long years of Chris Harrison making blood sacrifices to the full moon and selling a tiny bit of his soul each time he had to officiate the wedding of a couple that met on Paradise, the devil finally granted his request and sent him another Bachelor who never heard the phrase “no take-backs”.
Arie was middle-aged mature, experienced, and supposed to bring a level of seriousness to this show. Instead, he proposed to Becca and then brought a cameraman to their “happy couple” weekend, dumped her, and then refused to leave while she sobbed. It was uncut, raw footage, and I would rather go to the gynecologist every single day of my life than watch those moments of TV ever again. It’s like he saw what Jason Mesnick did, pointed at it and said “That! Only make her want to die!”
And so he did. Then he went to his runner-up Lauren’s house, they exchanged about three words and got back together. The ONLY reason he is not messier than Peter is because he made it work with Lauren, despite the fact that I have been dutifully sticking their voodoo dolls full of pins for two years. That’s impressive. And their kid is cute. You MILDLY redeemed yourself, Arie. And that is the nicest thing I will ever say about you, so take it.
Colton’s messiness does not begin with his season. In fact, his season was relatively mild when you look at it in comparison to Arie emotionally running over Becca with a semi-truck the year before. Colton was messy before he even went on Becca’s season. I’m sure I have voiced this in previous articles, but Colton schemed to be the Bachelor for years, and Mike Fleiss fell for it. Before Colton knew that Becca was going to be the Bachelorette, he DM’d Tia, thinking it would be her and he could score an advantage, and they spent a weekend together. Then, when he found out The Bachelorette was Becca, he peaced out. He went on Becca’s season and had to reveal what happened with Tia. He still finished in fourth place, after which he went on to Paradise. On Paradise, he dicked Tia around some more, but didn’t want to commit because he was in the running for The Bachelor “it wasn’t there.”
Then he, of course, did become the Bachelor, and ended up with Cassie after the infamous fence-jump and getting the body shakes so loud I still hear them in my most quiet moments. And they’re still together today, despite coronavirus, Cassie’s bangs phase, and Colton’s book. What’s so unique about Colton’s messiness is that the contestants usually wait until after they’re the Bachelor to test drive other members of Bachelor Nation, but he did it before he was ever even cast on any of the franchise’s shows, so kudos to him for recognizing a trend and getting ahead of it. I hope talking about your virginity on national TV for two months was everything you dreamed it would be when you were scheming, Colton!
Chris Soules’ season was not actually all that noteworthy, unless you consider casting a Bachelor that couldn’t form a full sentence for an entire season noteworthy. Chris was a farmer from Iowa, and a fan favorite on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. He proposed to Whitney, much to runner-up Becca Tilley’s obvious relief, and then they broke up very shortly after the finale aired. His real messiness began after his reality TV career, though. In 2017, Chris was charged with leaving the scene of a fatal car accident. Chris rear-ended a tractor which resulted in the death of the driver, Kenneth Mosher, and then left the scene of the accident. He was not charged with driving under the influence, although there were discarded beer cans found in his car. He eventually pleaded guilty and received two years probation.
Obviously this is more than messy—it’s sad and devastating for the victim’s family and it’s reckless, dangerous, and stupid on Chris’s part. But NOW he is quarantining in Iowa with the one and only Victoria Fuller. Word is that he DM’d her and that’s how this got started. Damn, I feel like every day this show gives me grounds to sue Instagram. Is there anything messier than two people with a myriad of legal troubles hooking up? Now I’m thinking that coronavirus started just because it knew this couple was coming, and wanted to make sure they had literally nowhere to drive together. I’m sure this couple will only get more dramatic, and I’m excited to see where it goes.
So, is Peter the messiest Bachelor? Yes, for now. But I don’t doubt that the second ABC can start filming again they will find a new man even more indecisive and willing to debase himself for Instagram followers. So, enjoy your Messiest Bachelor of All Time badge while you can, Peter! But please take solace in the fact that you’ll always remain the most embarrassing member of Bachelor Nation on TikTok.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (2); pilot_pete, jasonmesnick, bachandroses/ Instagram
I tell you, the quarantine has brought out the best and the worst in people. And by “people” I’m not talking about your crazy Aunt Cheryl’s return to Facebook, I’m talking about the plague upon humanity that is Bachelor Nation. I think it’s safe to say I’m always talking about The Bachelor, mmkay? While the most exciting thing in our day-to-day lives has been getting dressed up to take the dog out to poop three times a day, ABC’s children of the corn have been treating quarantine like their own personal PR playground. They heard “pandemic” and instead of thinking of new ways to relax and reset, they’re out here finding new and creative ways to stay relevant even though absolutely no one asked them to. So, without further ado, here are the thirstiest people in Bachelor Nation right now, who really need to do less.
Am I surprised that Chad Johnson is using this pandemic to extend his 15 minutes of fame? No, not at all. Do I want to see it, though? Also no, not at all. Surprisingly, Chad isn’t pulling the move I thought he would and starting Twitter fights with a new person in Bachelor Nation every two days, but he is promoting his OnlyFans real hard. It’s apparently now free, which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having an OnlyFans?
Just made a new FREE OnlyFans account! Check it out! 😈https://t.co/n6G9BInqoY
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) April 2, 2020
He also apparently bought domain names for various Bachelor alums. He really is the Martin Shkreli of Bachelor Nation. I’m not going to click any of the links, because I don’t want to give Chad the satisfaction, but I would imagine they just redirect to his OnlyFans page.
Who has a better website? Kelsey Weier? Chase Mcnary? Hannah Ann? Or Derek Peth? Or Robby Hayes? Personally I like all of them.https://t.co/2S2HD0fvB3https://t.co/xSDBBKrqrDhttps://t.co/uogKYUt3Jshttps://t.co/nAKMFtiPPrhttps://t.co/tmHxuN1WLn#TheBachelor
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) March 18, 2020
You guys: Say OnlyFans again.
Poor Clare. America’s favorite spinster was just a few weeks away from finding her happy ending with all of those post-Bachelorette sponsorships, when the world shut down due to a global pandemic. If that’s not the most Clare thing to ever happen to a person, then I don’t know what is. But Clare has been staying strong and clinging to her relevance harder than I’ve been clinging to the idea that I still have 4th of July plans. When COVID first hit and ABC announced that her season would be postponed, she took to Twitter to reignite a feud with her Bachelor ex Juan Pablo. More recently, Clare hopped on Instagram to announce that she still has the dress she was dumped in on national television six years ago. That would be special if I didn’t 100% believe all contestants are contractually obligated to keep those for 10 years after their season is over lest ABC miss an opportunity to exploit the most painful and humiliating moment of their life for their own personal gain.
While I appreciate Clare’s efforts to remain relevant, her tactics just feel tired. Starting sh*t with your ex from six years ago on a public platform? Posting about your hoe clothes from the past?? These are things I would have done in college, and all it earned me was pitying looks from my sorority’s Safety and Wellness chair.
Hannah Ann Sluss
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I feel for Hannah Ann, I really do. She did all the right things while competing for Peter’s heart. She laughed at all of his jokes, she cried when she was supposed to, she let Peter talk her into recreating that scene from Titanic during their Fantasy Suite date, and she didn’t even look repulsed when Peter’s mom called Pachi post-coitus. She was denied the coveted Bachelorette spot and now it’s looking like Paradise might be out for her too. This was supposed to be her time to shine!! How is she supposed to get modeling gigs that aren’t for off-brand shapewear or a Denny’s menu if she isn’t able to capitalize off her Bachelor fame?? And so this is why I forgive her for staging her own paparazzi shots during a global pandemic. I’ve seen more stories online about Hannah Ann being “spotted” in LA than I have articles from the CDC about proper hand washing. When she’s not being “caught” out and about it in a full face of contour, she’s been blowing up the TikTok scene with cringey dance routines that feature her favorite famous friends. Honestly, I hope this strategy works for her. She deserves to get something out of her relationship with Peter other than just time served.
Guys, I’m worried about Peter. There, I’ve said it! After failing to make it work with 25+ of America’s Next Top Instagram Models, getting engaged, breaking off that engagement, getting a girlfriend for two hours, and breaking up that relationship because his mommy told him to, he’s been struggling. While most Bachelor/ette leads come off their season with shiny new engagements (or at least shiny, new spon-con deals), Pilot Pete’s biggest announcement as of late is that he’s moving out of his parent’s basement. Maybe. Probably. If he can get them to co-sign his lease after the pandemic ends. You can tell he might be at his breaking point by the way he’s been acting out on TikTok recently. Peter’s TikTok activity ranges from mild cringiness to straight-up I’m calling his mother. Honestly, I’m worried for him. Barb, can we get a wellness check up in here??
Hannah Brown + Tyler C
I’m just going to come out and say this because we’ve all been thinking it: The Quarantine Crew is blasphemous. There is actually nothing more offensive to me than a bunch of hot singles flaunting their hotness and proximity to a Florida timeshare while the rest of us consider which old underwear to use when we need to wipe our asses after the TP stockpile runs empty. For the past several weeks now, Hannah and Tyler C have been living their best lives down in Florida in what appears to be some sort of harem situation. At best, their social distancing can be described as a deleted scene from Spring Breakers; at worst, something the CDC definitely referenced in their Powerpoint of what not to do during their last White House briefing. Either way, out of respect for those of us who are subsisting on a diet of Kraft cheese slices and Franzia and who haven’t breathed fresh air since February, they need to cut that sh*t out and save their antics for when Mike Fliess can profit off it, mmkay?
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; @hannahann_fanpage /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @thequarantinecrew /Instagram (1); @jessclarke_ /Instagram (1); @usweekly /Instagram (1)
It’s a bleak time in Bachelor Nation, with the upcoming season of The Bachelorette indefinitely postponed, Paradise looking doubtful this year, and Summer Games officially canceled. Sure, Listen To Your Heart is premiering later this month, but are we really going to watch that? Okay, probably yes, because desperation, but if you’re looking for some alternate Bachelor Nation entertainment, you might want to check out Colton Underwood’s memoir, which was released this week.
In the tell-all book, which is called The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV, Colton shares stories about all the things you want to know, from The Bachelorette to Bachelor in Paradise to The Bachelor. I mean, there’s some other stuff too, but Colton knows what we really want. You can order the book now if you want all the tea, but here’s a rundown of the most important new information he shared.
His Relationship With Aly Raisman
@Colt3FIVE thanks for the sweet video…. looking forward to meeting you 🙂
— Alexandra Raisman (@Aly_Raisman) August 21, 2016
As you may or may not know, before his Bachelor Nation career began, Colton dated gymnastics legend Aly Raisman. He famously asked her out over social media after the 2016 Olympics, and they ended up dating for several months. At the time, they both kept their relationship pretty low-key, but Colton takes this opportunity to share some details we haven’t heard before.
Colton writes Aly asked if he was a virgin on their second date, but that “the slow lane was fine with both of us.” He also shares that he told Raisman he loved her because he thought she said it first, but he had actually misheard her. Pretty sure that is my worst nightmare. Raisman told him she wasn’t ready to say it at the time, but she ultimately did a month later, after opening up to him about being sexually abused. Colton recalls that moment, saying that “Hearing her say those words in the midst of all that she was dealing with, it made me fall in love with her all over again.”
Ultimately, the relationship didn’t last, and Aly Raisman broke up with Colton over FaceTime after seeing him in Houston for an event. That’s sad, but thankfully their breakup paved the way for so many Bachelor memories…
The Tia Timeline
Colton reveals that when he was being cast for The Bachelorette, he was asked which of the current women he would be interested in. He picked Becca Kufrin, Lauren Burnham, and Tia Booth, and followed all three of them on Instagram. Lol, honestly, I respect that move. He says that Tia quickly responded to one of his stories, and that “We exchanged numbers and texted fast and furiously throughout the day and night. It didn’t seem like either of us slept. Two days later, I FaceTimed with her.” Ah, young love.
After he got cast on the show, he still didn’t know who would be the Bachelorette. In that window of time, he met Tia for the first time, writing that he “wanted a head start on all the other guys.” He compares it to preparing for “a big game,” which like, ew, I’m not here to talk about sports. Obviously, Tia didn’t end up getting chosen, and Colton says that they made plans to meet up in Paradise.
Obviously, Colton competed on Becca’s season, but given everything that went down with Tia (both before and after), that barely matters. Colton does spill that he actually met Becca via FaceTime before filming started… WHILE SHE WAS ON VACATION WITH TIA. Wow, I really wish the cameras were there on that girls’ trip. Colton eventually told Tia that he was going to do the show no matter who got chosen. I guess Tia was fine with all of this, but damn, Colton was really in it to win it with these women.
He & Cassie Broke Up
Okay, don’t panic, they broke up last year, but are back together now. They split for a brief period in August of 2019, though Colton says that “nothing big happened” to cause the split. Basically, they were on two different pages about how fast things were going. He shares, “It boiled down to me wanting to get engaged, wanting to set a timeline, and simply putting too much pressure on her when, in reality, none was needed.” That night, Cassie left in tears, but luckily she came back the next day, and they talked things out.
We finally have answers! Though he says “none of your business” when it comes to the exact details, Colton strongly implies that he and Cassie had sex in the Fantasy Suite on The Bachelor, and I really hope that’s true. Congrats Colton, and thanks for telling us what we’ve all been dying to know.
It seems like Colton and Cassie are pretty happy these days, and now that he’s safely recovering from COVID-19, he can get back to promoting his book like planned. Actually, he should probably get to work on an extra coronavirus chapter for the second printing, because I would definitely read about that. If these details weren’t enough for you, then go ahead and order the book—at least it’ll give you something to do that’s not just staring at the TV.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; aly_raisman / Twitter
We might be deep in the off-season for the Bachelor franchise, but that doesn’t mean the drama is taking a break. Bachelor Nation is still being just as messy as ever on social media, and today we have a random AF new feud to discuss. Somehow, some way, Colton Underwood and Rachel Lindsay are feuding, and I have a lot of questions. Let’s go over what we know.
To understand what’s going on with Colton and Rachel, we have to go back to the recent drama with Rachel and Raven Gates. It’s been a couple weeks since the story of Rachel and Raven’s falling out went public, but we’ve still never gotten details. Trust me, we’ve tried. Something obviously happened, but we will probably never find out what, and that’s beside the point right now. When Us Weekly posted about Rachel and Raven, Colton couldn’t resist giving his opinion in the comments.
As a quick little refresher on the Bachelor timeline, Rachel and Colton were never on any shows together, so it’s unclear what their actual relationship is like. Of course, all of the people in Bachelor Nation are interconnected, so it’s no surprise that these two know/know of each other, but Colton clearly has some beef with Rachel.
Colton later clarified his comment to Us Weekly with the following statement: “I’m not weighing in on the Rachel/Raven drama. I could care less about that, not my business. What is my business is the countless number of times she’s spoke poorly of me … including that time she ran her mouth about me to Cassie… Funny thing is I have never met her.”
Okay, so they’ve never even met each other? Honestly, who has the time to be this petty? Obviously, Colton’s comments only gave us his side of the story, and on Wednesday, Rachel finally spoke on the issue. She went on online talk show Whit & Ry, where she said that she’s too busy to focus on Colton: “I’m so confused as to why he thinks I ran my mouth. It’s so petty to me. As much as I wanted to go at him in the comments section, I just thought, ‘You know what? Excuse me. I need to go interview Oprah Winfrey.’ That was literally my mindset. I don’t have time for this.”
For reference, Rachel interviewed Oprah last week on the red carpet at the opening of Tyler Perry’s studio while working for Extra. Good for her, because I would kill for the ability to even breathe the same air as Oprah. But aside from that, she was adamant that she’s never spoken poorly of Colton to Cassie or anyone else, and she doesn’t understand why he’s coming for her.
She continued, inviting Colton to come on her Bachelor Happy Hour podcast to hash out their issues: “I would love for Colton to actually come on the podcast because what I’m not going to do is entertain you in the comments section of somebody else’s post. What I will do is have a grown-ass conversation with you and we can talk about it, but what I don’t appreciate are the accusations being made because I believe he said I ran my mouth to Cassie.”
Rachel also said that Cassie follows her on Instagram, and that she would “never tell another woman not to be with a man unless I had some type of relationship with her.” Basically, Rachel says that she’s met Cassie before, but doesn’t have any kind of friendship with her where she would comment on her relationship with Colton.
Rachel might not understand Colton’s problems with her, but Colton definitely paid attention to what Rachel had to say, and he responded on Twitter on Wednesday night:
I’ll come on your podcast Rachel. One condition: ask your producer to leave it raw, unedited and untouched. Looking forward to meeting you & pointing out your hypocrisy over the last year. https://t.co/O3yuMYa5Yd
— Colton Underwood (@colton) October 17, 2019
What does Colton think is happening here?? Either there’s some major information we’re missing here, or Colton is overly concerned about Rachel making him look bad. What does he have to say that would be mysteriously edited out of the final podcast? I need to know more about Rachel’s alleged hypocrisy, because if it’s as bad as Colton makes it sound, then there’s a lot of behind the scenes sh*t going on.
All I know is that if this podcast appearance actually happens, it might be the one time I actually tune in to Rachel and Ali’s podcast. I really hope Colton goes on the show, because there’s been a Bachelor-sized hole in my heart since Paradise ended. Spill all the tea, please!! There’s nothing I love more than a tense interview, and I have a feeling Rachel and Colton aren’t going to be super comfortable together. Fight, fight, fight!!!
Betches reached out to Colton Underwood, and he declined to comment for this article.
Images: Shutterstock; usweekly / Instagram; Colton / Twitter