This past weekend, The Bachelor‘s Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham got married. (Really thought I’d never have to spell “Luyendyk” again. Pretty mad that I do.) While some fans are annoyed that the wedding wasn’t aired on live TV, I’m sort of grateful we were spared a six-hour episode of The Bachelor on Monday night. (My liver couldn’t handle it.) And luckily, an anonymous source gave PEOPLE all the details of their wedding. So I, personally, feel like I was there and intend to judge the whole affair as though I was.
We already knew they were getting married in Maui, at an old “processing factory for sugarcane” (according to Wikipedia) called Haiku Mill. If they did not write their vows in haikus, I will be simultaneously relieved and very disappointed. (“Once I met Lauren / I was like, ‘nah, Becca K’ / Then I changed my mind”.) An old processing factory doesn’t sound the most romantic, but pictures of the venue are actually pretty stunning. Very real-life fairytale, which, if Lauren’s Instagram captions are any indication, is exactly what she’s going for.
PEOPLE’s coverage continues by reminding me that Arie and Lauren have a 10-year age difference, and that they only got engaged 10 months ago. (Ten. Months. Doesn’t it feel like a f*cking decade has passed?) As for the ceremony itself, PEOPLE reports that they “wrote their own vows,” and both “got choked up.” Arie’s grandparents acted as ring bearer and flower girl, which is actually pretty f*cking cute. As is PEOPLE noting that they got the “biggest laughs,” and that the grandma “really connected with everyone.” Hey, maybe his grandma can be the next Bachelorette! I’d tune in as long as they promise Arie won’t be on it.
In terms of visuals to judge, only Bachelor producer Megan Firestone dared to break what I’m sure was an ironclad no social media rule. Her post has sadly since been deleted (and she may or may not be holed up in an ABC torture chamber as we speak), but I can tell you that Lauren looks like a princess (the hair!!), and Arie and Lauren look very happy. The only suspicious things about this picture are
how well-lit it is when every candid of me at a party looks like I just crawled out of the underworld how extremely not pregnant she looks. Whatever Fit Tea she’s drinking, I want it. Thankfully, we do have one Instagram of the wedding, courtesy of Rachael Wolfner, who is doing the lord’s work.
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Finally, no coverage of Arie and Lauren’s wedding would be complete if we didn’t discuss the most-cherished guest: Baby Girl Luyendyk (Jr.??) As we already knew, Arie and Lauren are expecting a baby. But if you didn’t follow their baby’s Instagram (I hate me too), you might not have known that they are expecting a baby girl! I’ll be accepting a running list of baby name guesses in the comments.
Other useful tidbits included on this Instagram include regular updates on the baby’s size (fig! plum! taco!) and cheeky details about Lauren’s personal life, like how she’s learning Dutch and plays Mozart for her baby. It feels totally weird to be making fun of someone who looks better six months pregnant than I do now, but come on. She’s writing full paragraphs in the voice of a fetus and it’s hilarious.
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Aloha friends! Today I’m 19 weeks old and the size of a mango ???? (how fitting right?) I’m so happy you all know that I’m a girl! It was such a fun week telling the world and now Mom and Dad can finally start buying me clothes 🙂 So this week a lot of stuff is going on in here. My body is covered by vernix which feels like swimming in cream cheese… weird I know but it’s good for my skin. Working on my glow for my grand appearance. I’m also growing my first little hairs on my head Mom and Dad both are picturing me blonde but you never know! Well gotta run, Mom and Dad are getting married this week and it’s hard to type with Mom moving around so much!
Here’s hoping the wedding went off without a hitch, that the couple whispers “I love that” to each other into old age, and that they have a happy, healthy blond baby! I draw the line, however, at watching a Baby Luyendyk spin-off.
Well, well, well. Just when I was about to sit down and actually do work without Bachelor Nation interrupting with some messy f*cking drama, E! News lets it slip that Arie and Lauren B ARE PREGNANT. That’s right, people, the most hated elderly race car driver in America and the female C3P0 he chose as his bride are expecting their first child together just months before they tie the knot in January.
This pregnancy news is low-key shocking because the couple literally got engaged six months ago. And if you’re bad at math, let me just put it to you this way: this time last year, Arie was most likely engaged to Becca while Lauren B was in the development stages somewhere in the basement of an ABC studio. AND NOW THEY’RE BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD TOGETHER. First baby Bekah and now Arie and Lauren? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Like, are none of these people using condoms anymore?? Or is that against ABC’s contract these days? What. Is. The. Truth.
Lauren says she “kind of had a feeling” she might be pregnant, which leads me to believe that this baby was conceived after a single glass of red wine and Arie getting carried away with his fluttering hand gestures.
She also mentions that Arie has been doing “everything” for her since they found out she’s pregnant, which is definitely the angle she going to use when she pitches their relationship to their future kid. I can’t imagine she’d use their real “How We Met” story. Like, “well, honey, daddy dumped me for another woman on national television and then slide into my DMs three months later when he was still engaged to that other woman. It was just meant to be!!”
According to E! the January wedding is still going on as planned right after Colton’s season airs, lest they start 2019 without clinging to their relevancy. Mazel tov, though!!
The article doesn’t mention the baby’s due date, which feels a little suspicious and like something they definitely sold to People.com to run when they’re low on content one month. But, if my calculations are correct, the baby will probs make its appearance right around the time Colton’s season wraps up. What fortuitous timing for them! I’m sure that wasn’t at all planned and ABC is definitely not paying them extra to go into early labor during After The Final Rose. Nope.
As far as baby names go, I already have a feeling I know exactly what they’ll name their kid. If it’s a boy, I’m sure they’ll go with Arie Luyendyk III to carry on Arie’s legacy of
swallowing a woman’s mouth whole The Kissing Bandit. I can’t think of any other legacy that man could possibly pass on. And if it’s a girl, then I’m sure Lauren, being the unconventional, trendsetting woman we know and love, will want to go with something edgier, a little different. Like, Megan or Emily.
In all seriousness we wish the couple all the best during this
well-planned PR stunt very happy time in their lives! I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this the second someone else in the Bachelor franchise wants to have their five minutes of fame. Kisses!
Images: @enews /Instagram (1); Giphy (1)
Today is a very special day, people! And, no, I’m not just saying that because this morning my barista told me I was “glowing” when, in fact, I looked more like a drowned street rat who had just crawled its way out of the subway. No, today is Arie Luyendyk Jr’s birthday! For those of you who aren’t familiar with who Arie is, congratulations
on the full and happy life you’re living you’re not better than me. If you’ll recall, Arie was the down-on-his-luck runner-up from Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette who landed his own season of The Bachelor last year. And by “down on his luck” I mean clearly dating someone right before he was chosen to be the Bachelor. But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance at love! And since I can’t burn ABC studios to the ground for their choice in Bachelors like I’d like to, I guess I’ll just have to settle for roasting tf out of Arie for his bday. So here’s a little tribute to the guy who disgusts me so much that I’m happy to never interact with the male species again spend my Friday nights heating up mac n cheese for one. Happy birthday, Arie!
When He Dubbed Himself “The Kissing Bandit”
Boy, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this marketing meeting. ABC casually asks Arie what his best traits are, and the best thing he can come up with is using the right amount of tongue. You’ve got a real winner on your hands, Mike Fleiss! So basically we knew Arie’s season of The Bachelor would be more disappointing than my Hinge matches when the first teaser they released of the season involved their bachelor dressed like the Hamburglar and suggestively puckering his lips at the camera. I think a yeast infection might be sexier than watching that on my TV screen, but to each their own.
When He Thought He Had Dance Moves
There’s literally nothing that could dry me up faster than watching this dude figure out how to do the cupid shuffle during the commercial breaks of How To Get Away With Murder, and yet, here we f*cking are. Look, I know ABC had a real uphill battle trying to make a man who’s old enough to be the adoptive father of several of the female contests *cough* Baby Bekah *cough, cough* seem like a genuine catch and not just the catch on To Catch A Predator, but MY GOD ABC this was not the way to do it.
When He Made The Women On His Season Drink Pee
It was a dark day in history when we watched beautiful, successful grown-ass women willingly down what they thought was urine like free shots of tequila so a man ON A DATE WITH TWELVE OTHER WOMEN might kind of like them. Ladies, we did not march for this!
When He Stuck His Entire Fist Through Bekah M’s Hoop
I don’t even have anything to say here other than that watching Arie capitalize off of Bekah’s daddy issues by thrusting one feminine hand through her hoop earring on live television, is the reason I deleted all my dating apps for a week. Just saying.
When His Ideal Woman Turned Out To Be A Robot
Every year ABC feeds us a lot of bullsh*t about how the man they’ve picked to be the Bachelor is the cream of the crop: a hot, stand-up dude looking for a smart, driven, beautiful woman to spend forever with. Now, I’m not saying that Arie didn’t choose a great girl, but I’m also not not saying that that great girl wasn’t forged in a lab by ABC interns who googled “perfect lady traits” and came up with Lauren B. I guess things worked out for them, though, because they’re getting married this January in a private ceremony. And by “private” I mean 100 of their closest friends, family, ABC producers, and every major media outlet whose DMs Arie was able to slide into (not us, because we got blocked). But, you know, ever happiness to you both!
When He Filmed His Breakup On Live Television
Remember when Arie chose Becca and promised to choose her everyday for the rest of their lives together? And then the rest of their lives together was like three more days before he dumped her on a romantic getaway and filmed it? Ah, yes,
good times let’s burn his house to the ground.
So I guess what I’m saying here is happy birthday to everyone but Arie Luyendyk Jr. I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue! Bye!
IMAGES: ABC (2); Giphy (2)
With season 14 of The Bachelorette officially in the books (I feel old), it’s time to shift our attention elsewhere. Obviously Bachelor in Paradise is Bachelor Nation’s most pressing concern, but it’s never too early to look ahead to next season of The Bachelor (which will be season 23, if you didn’t feel old enough already). We’re lucky this year, as Becca’s season has actually produced a few viable Bachelor contenders who don’t seem to be fully the worst. Still salty about Arie, tbh. Today we’re focusing on Blake Horstmann, who had his heart broken by Becca on national TV last night. Naturally, this makes him a frontrunner to be the star of next season. What does Bachelor Nation have to say about Blake as the Bachelor? Let’s see what some of the most important people have to say.
First of all, there’s the interview that Blake did with People. Most of the interview is just him talking about how he wants Becca to be happy (snooze), but there’s one interesting little thing. When asked about being the next Bachelor, Blake is unsurprisingly cryptic, but he’s definitely not not into the idea. He said, “It would be the hardest thing I’d do. But I know this can work and if the opportunity presented itself, it would be something I would consider!” Lmao, “if the opportunity presented itself.” I don’t really know how these decisions are made, but I love that Blake is acting like there are hundreds of other guys being considered. Also, people always talk about how hard being the lead is, but I wouldn’t mind going on free vacations and having 20 hot people all trying to make out with me. Ugh, too bad the opportunity just hasn’t presented itself to me yet.
Now let’s go to Twitter, where many of our favorite Bachelor alums love to provide their thoughts on what the producers at ABC should do.
During the commercial break I’ve made the executive decision that Blake would be a fantastic bachelor #thebachelorette
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) August 7, 2018
Okay, so Evan is definitely on Team Blake, but he also thinks Jason, Grocery Store Joe, Wills, or Venmo John would be good choices. Basically, Evan is still way too invested in this, and he needs to make up his mind. I’ve already forgotten about half the guys from this season, but apparently Evan really just wants to see them all succeed.
For the record, JoJo is also Team Blake.
I SECOND THIS. https://t.co/oCWjTtg2UR
— JoJo Fletcher (@JoelleFletcher) August 7, 2018
She tweeted later that she’d also be into Jason as the Bachelor, so basically, JoJo is all of us.
Chris from Becca’s season actually chimed in with a solution to Evan’s problem of having too many choices: three Bachelors at once! To be honest, this isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard, even though Chris Harrison’s head would probably explode from trying to coordinate everything. Actually, it would be hilarious to watch these thirsty women compete for affection from three different guys at once, and then all of a sudden have to pick one that they’re “falling for.” Your move, ABC.
I guess for the first time we’ll have 3 bachelors at once with @balockaye_h @Colt3FIVE and @Jason_Tartick for the most dramatic season ever! #TheBachelorette #TheBacheloretteFinal
— Chris Randone (@ChrisRandone) August 7, 2018
Just FYI, Colton liked this tweet, so maybe this could happen?
Meanwhile, feminist queen Ashley Spivey just said what we were all thinking:
Just make Blake the bachelor and give us answers on the likes and Lincoln ????????♀️ #TheBachelorette
— Ashley Spivey (@AshleySpivey) August 7, 2018
Luckily they actually brought up Garrett’s likes during the finale, and I guess a weak apology is better than nothing at all. But we’re still waiting on any real discussion of Lincoln’s disgusting past actions. It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine.
Aaaaaand in case you were wondering, here’s what your least favorites have been up to:
Lauren and I flew to the Maldives at The Bachelor and Becca’s request. It’s a conversation that unfortunately won’t be shown but it was really positive for all of us. You can imagine this trip could have been very difficult for Lauren but she has supported and stood by me in all of this… I thank and love her everyday because of that. We wish Becca all the happiness in the world and can’t wait to see how tonight goes!
Um, I am very weirded out by this. First of all, why did Becca want Arie and Lauren there? Was it a secret plot to drown them in the ocean? I’m also wondering if the conversation wasn’t shown because it was too personal, or because it was literally the most boring thing that’s ever happened. Like, I can imagine Becca just looking pissed and over it while Arie and Lauren respond to all her questions with one-word answers. Also, why did Arie think this trip would be very difficult for Lauren? She’s engaged to the man of her dreams and got a free trip to the Maldives! Life is good!! Finally, I’m not sure why Arie thinks anyone really cares that he was in the Maldives, given that ABC chose not to show it. It just seems like a very Arie thing to do to be like “Becca got engaged and I’m so happy for her, but Lauren and I were also there!!” Please go away forever.
Congrats to Becca and Garrett, and if the rumors I’ve been hearing about Ben Higgins being the Bachelor again end up being true, I am going to personally destroy ABC studios.
Images: @ebassclinics, @JoelleFletcher; @ChrisRandone, @AshleySpivey / Twitter; @ariejr / Instagram
Welcome to the unofficial start of summer, friends! It’s time to wear those white jeans again, tan ourselves into a lovely shade of lobster red (just me?), and watch poor, sad, lonely Becca struggle to find words other than “Let’s do the damn thing.” Oh sorry, I mean watch her find love. Yes, that’s what this is. You can catch our whole hilarious recap of The Bachelorette premiere shortly, but since I have a much smaller attention span and am mostly playing games on my phone during the unnecessarily long episodes, I’ve decided to put together a best/worst list for you all. For example, a best moment for me during last night’s episode was when my garlic knots got delivered. The worst moment was when my handsome neighbor mistakenly received my Fresh Direct groceries and brought them to me while I was holding said garlic knot and wearing a dirty T-shirt. It was just like a meet-cute in the movies, only the girl looked like trash and the boy never called her and everything went horribly wrong. I’ll save the rest for my journal since I know you all are here for Becca. Shall we dive into the Bachelorette premiere?
The Appearance Of Jojo, Rachel, And Kaitlyn
I’m actually impressed that there have been so many successful Bachelorettes lately. Jojo is looking flawless and like she just walked out with the Miss Congeniality glam squad, Rachel brings the real talk and good advice, and Kaitlyn sits there silently. What, out of dirty knock-knock jokes, Kaitlyn? The ladies decide to sage the house to get rid of Arie’s aura, but I think they might need some bleach, lighter fluid, and a match, amiright? Not that I have experience burning things to the ground or anything!
Anytime Jordan Was On Camera
I get that the producers want to make Jordan into a villain, but how can someone who says things like “I wanted her to notice my shoes,” and “keep me around for the eye candy” be a villain? His pettiness is something we should all aspire to. I already have my favorite Etsy seller making his quotes into inspirational posters for me and my friends. And then when this Ken Doll who sometimes eats chocolates and watches a rom-com inevitably gets kicked off, I would like him to come to New York and mock my enemies beside me. A formidable team indeed.
The Chicken Guy’s Face
As a general rule, on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, I hate anyone in costume or anyone that recites poems. Unless you have your MFA, get the fuck out of here with your acrostic. But I was pleasantly surprised when I saw how handsome the chicken guy was once he got off his shift at Chick-fil-A. I assumed the costume was there to mask some sort of major deformity. Snaps for proving me wrong, chickadee.
The Awkward Dismissal of Becca’s Acquaintance
What is with the producers surprising the Bachelor/ette with people they hate from their past? I mean, I think it’s funny, but when you’ve been ghosting a dude for a year and they show up on your national TV show, that’s got to REALLY suck. Jake, you may be a 10 in Minneapolis but in the Bachelor Mansion you’re a 2, so see ya never.
I read on InStyle.com that this atrocity cost $22,000. How can something that costs so much money look so trashy? Is that also what the Kardashians ask themselves when they look in the mirror, or are they not that self-aware?
Hi Clay, is your name Play-Doh? No? Then kindly fuck off. I get that you want Becca to remember your name but she said she did, and yet you persisted with this Play-Doh nonsense. If this was me, I’d be referring to you as Doh Boy the rest of the season. And that’s why no one let’s me on TV. Count your blessings, Doh Boy.
Right Reasons Feud
TBH I don’t really understand what was happening here. There was a mysterious text message to Chris from an ex-girlfriend of Chase who said he was shady. Apparently they are both from Orlando, which I thinks tells us everything we need to know. I was unsure who to believe in the most boring fight of all time, but Becca picked the one who looks like he’s hiding something very nefarious behind those deep-set eyes. Cool, glad that’s over. If they dragged this out another week I really would have been teetering on the edge of sanity.
First Impression Rose
I hated Garrett’s fake Reno accent, I hated Garrett’s entrance, and I hated that he showed Becca how to fly fish in the pool. There are no fish in there, Garrett! But if you’re lucky, you might be able to catch some chlamydia. Anyway, none of this turned Becca off so she gave him the first impression rose. TBH I don’t think any woman should ever have to say, “you’ve been so wonderful ever since you stepped out of the van” to anyone but their kidnapper, but maybe that’s just me.
And there you have it—the best and worst moments of what turned out to be a very boring premiere. It’s like when people black out on one of your shows and allegations are thrown around and then you take away their alcohol as punishment they start acting appropriately or something. Not cool. Here’s hoping next week someone gets injured!
Images: Giphy (3)
Today, the ABC gods have given us a major gift, in the form of the first promo for Becca’s Bachelorette season. Ever since Becca Kufrin got tragically dumped by Arie Luyendyk Jr. on national TV, I’ve wanted the best for her. And by that, I mean that I want her to go on The Bachelorette and find the fucking love of her life. Usually I’m the most cynical about these fucking shows, but Becca really just deserves a win. Becca’s Bachelorette promo is light on actual information about the upcoming season, but it gives us plenty of awkward footage of Becca that we need to discuss.
Becca’s Bachelorette promo starts with the footage of Arie’s ill-fated proposal to Becca, which I fully never need to see again in my life. That being said, ABC will definitely make me watch it at least 12 more times in the next six months, so I guess I’ll have to deal somehow (alcohol). Then, we cut to Becca, in all her strong, beautiful glory, wearing a gorgeous sequined bronze dress that she should wear every day of her life. She’s holding a heart with Arie’s face on it, which she breaks in half, signaling that she is fully over him and ready to find the love! of! her! life! I hate this corny show just as much as I love it, maybe more.
Becca generally just looks like the cameraman is yelling out different emotions at her, and she doesn’t really know what to do. She’s not an Oscar-winning actress, that’s for sure. My personal favorite moment, aside from that inexplicable slow blink, is her incredibly fake laugh toward the end, which is probably how she reacted when they asked her how she feels about Lauren. My second favorite moment is her dancing, which is a cross between mom at the club and a sorority recruitment video. Truly an aesthetic.
I also have some questions about the music choice. They use Kesha’s badass anthem “Woman,” which is great except for the normal chorus says “I’m a motherfucking woman.” Silly Kesha, you can’t say that on ABC! They switch it out for the word “independent,” which 1) sounds dumb, and 2) goes against the entire premise of The Bachelorette. Like, I’m glad Becca is happy and thriving, but giving up your job to go on a TV show to find a husband doesn’t exactly scream “independent woman.”
As Becca says (awkwardly) at the end of the promo, let’s do the damn thing! This season of The Bachelorette is coming soon, I can’t wait to meet the two dozen guys who will struggle to be good enough for the lovely, sweet, amazing Becca. And if any of these fucking douchebags do anything to hurt her, they will personally receive some very threatening DMs from me. Buckle up Betches, it’s Bachelorette season.
Images: ABC; Giphy
In case you were too busy blacking out this weekend to notice, Dean “I Still Hate You For What You Did To The Russian Orphan” Unglert fucked up once again. And, no, I don’t mean with women (for once). No, this weekend Dean spilled the beanies about Kendall joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise this summer. Dean, along with some other Bachelor alums still clinging to their relevance with every Insta endorsement they can get their hands on, were spotted at Stagecoach this weekend looking like the reason my mother warned me against sorority mixers. He put up an Instagram photo with Kendall and crew that all but confirmed Kendall’s spot in Mexico this summer. You had one job, Dean!
Shall we take a look at the damning photo?
Take a look at that caption. At press time, it reads, “Altogether we have 7 BIP’s under our belt-buckles and we’re giving our best (unsolicited) advice to @keykendall88”. And somewhere by a pool Chris Harrison just choked on his margarita.
But seriously there’s, like, so much to unpack in this photo. First of all, Dean, I know this is Stagecoach and you five are going to use that as an excuse to live your best, whitest lives, but I am feeling personally victimized by that bandana. And also the entire outfit and vibe of this group outing. It’s v upsetting. Secondly, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? You can’t just leak classified information like that! I’m sure ABC probably had some expensive PR stunt lined up to announce Kendall’s Paradise debut and here Dean is, hopped up on denim and country music, just writing Instagram captions like there aren’t any consequences to his actions. Well, there are, buddy, just believe you me!
Since the photo wasn’t immediately deleted I’m assuming that ABC either okay’d this entire thing, or they just finally gave up trying to control the poorly trained circus animals they call their Bachelor alum. I, for one, am THRILLED that Kendall will be joining the Paradise crew. Kendall was the third runner up in
He Who Must Not Be Named Arie’s season and also, more importantly, was the girl who played with dead animals. Kendall captured America’s hearts by being weird AF and also Arie’s dick attention because I’m pretty sure he thought she’d be a freak in the sheets.
Kendall will be joining her bestie Bekah M, who’s the only other person confirmed as a Paradise cast member. We don’t know anything about the other cast members just yet, but I doubt we’ll have to wait long if all it takes is Dean getting drunk to break ABC’s air-tight NDAs.
Sources have also confirmed that Paradise might be getting some foreign cast members! That’s right, people, Robert Mills, ABC’s Senior VP Alternative Series & Late-Night Programming, has said that we should expect foreign Bachelors from across the globe to join the American beach trash in Mexico this summer. Mills alluded that ABC learned a lot from Winter Games last February and is thinking of combining elements of the two Bachelor spin-offs for Paradise this summer:
“There were a lot of learnings from Winter Games, where it wasn’t a show where you were bringing in people every week… There will certainly be the hallmarks of Bachelor in Paradise, but I think we will definitely take into account the stuff from Winter Games, where it definitely seemed to form some really strong couples, and at the end of the day that’s the goal.”
Lol k. First of all, the only thing any of us learned from Winter Games is that Americans would gladly throw away their virginities
for a Flat Tummy Tea endorsement if asked to, and that Luke Pell is trash. Secondly, strong couples, you say?? You mean Clare and Benoit, whose love blossomed out of Benoit sliding into her DMs post-show? Or Dean and Lesley, whose relationship lasted about as long as it took for Dean to restore his good guy image? Yes, based on that model, I can’t wait to see how strong and committed these new relationships will be!!
She says about the man whose proposal she accepted two episodes later…
Whatever. All I can hope for at this point is that Luke shows up in Mexico and Kendall skins him alive. It’s the little things that keep me going, ya know?
Images: @Deanie_Babies /Instagram (1); Giphy (3)
It’s been less than two months since The Bachelor finale made us all want to punch our TVs, but it appears things are going well for Arie and Lauren, the least interesting couple in the history of relationships. They haven’t broken up yet, which is only mildly surprising, and this week they announced that they bought a house together in Arizona. Yay, wow, I’m so excited for them, what a wonderful couple. Ugh. When does Becca K’s season of The Bachelorette start?
I’m pretty sure you don’t need a refresher on what a douchebag Arie Luyendyk Jr. is, but let me quickly reiterate: he really fucking sucks. Nevertheless, Lauren, our favorite wooden doll, agreed to marry the pool noodle of a man who dumped her on national television (and then changed his mind). She has since moved across the country for him, and now they’ve invested in property together. Not to be cynical, but I feel strongly that every Bachelor couple should be together for a full year before making any major financial decisions together. Like, I’m sure they’re very in love, but we saw how that turned out with Nick and Vanessa, and pretty much ever other Bachelor couple for the past 15 years. Why do I watch this show again?
Like any good C-list couple, Arie and Lauren announced their exciting real estate news in an Us Weekly exclusive, because it’s all about earning that coin. They decided on the house after seeing almost 70 properties. Wow, Lauren is surprisingly picky about houses, considering that she apparently has literally no deal-breakers when it comes to choosing a man. The house is brand new, probably because when asked about the prospect of doing a remodel, Arie said, “Lauren was completely overwhelmed.” I mean, of course she was. That would’ve required her saying, like, words to contractors. Scary shit. Just imagine these two touring a house together:
Real estate agent: These counters are premium marble, imported from Tuscany.
Lauren: I love that.
Real estate agent: The master bathroom has a jacuzzi big enough for two.
Real estate agent: This picture window has stunning views of the mountains in the distance.
Lauren: Oh. Pretty.
The house they settled on is 2,600 square feet, which is plenty of space for them to avoid each other at all times. Lauren sounds like she’s mainly excited about the house because it has space for the dogs. “Our dogs are very excited. They are each going to have their own room … I mean it does have four bedrooms.” I can’t tell if she’s being serious (I don’t get the sense that she’s downloaded the sarcasm expansion pack yet), but it’s extreme 2018 nonsense to give your dogs two separate bedrooms.
In the interview, Lauren also talks about her big move from Virginia Beach to Phoenix to be with Arie. She says it’s been a really easy adjustment for her, but I’m not buying it. Lauren is like that new girl in 10th grade who was in three of your classes but never said a word. Do you even remember that girl’s name? Elizabeth? Emily? Exactly. Lauren says she’s been “making friends,” but unless these friends are also only capable of speaking the words “wow” and “I love that”, I have a hard time believing she’s making a big social splash in Phoenix.
Anyway, Lauren says that “It has been fun exploring the area and Arie is a really good tour guide, so that helps.” Yikes, that sounds bleak. I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to explore Phoenix, Arizona with fucking Arie Luyendyk Jr. as my tour guide. I’ll do the self-guided tour, thanks. Since moving, Lauren has started real estate school, so someday she’ll be able to sell homes with all the charisma of an index card.
I’m happy for her, truly. Hopefully we won’t have to hear much from Arie and Lauren until the inevitable awful wedding, because they’ll be so busy not talking to each other in their shiny new house. Works for me, because I’ll be busy watching the new trash Bachelor spin-off.
Images: @ariejr / Instagram; Giphy