GTFO Of Your Pandemic Funk: Weekly Horoscopes April 12-16

V soon you’ll be able to get your horoscopes delivered right to your inbox twice a week. Sign up for our Blame It On Retrograde newsletter now to be the first to know when it launches.

You hear that? That is the New Moon in Aries telling you it’s time to GTFO of your pandemic funk and start taking action. You know the thing you’ve been putting off for an entire year because *gestures broadly at everything* well, now is the time to start making moves. Aries is the start of the astrological new year, and the New Moon is the perfect time to start something, well, new. Or better yet, to take on a new attitude about something you thought you’d already made up your mind about. Like maybe Monday morning meetings could have *some* value.


Ouch! Is that an old wound? A New Moon in your sign means some unresolved conflict, or even childhood trauma, may come to the surface so that you can finally put it to rest. You can’t accept the New Moon’s powers if old shit is holding you back, so let it go! That man at the mall has probably forgotten all about the time you accidentally called him “dad” in Sam Goody back in 1999.


Stop ignoring your intuition, Taurus! With the New Moon in Aries, your intuition is on fire and your gut is primed to point you in the right direction. Your only mission is to not second guess yourself when you feel the urge to do something different for a change. Unless that urge is to swipe right on someone holding a dead fish in their photo. Some things are just non-negotiable.


This month’s New Moon will be delivering tons of opportunities straight to your doorstep. Your mission will be to decide which are worth pursuing, and which will need to be returned to sender. Follow your gut instincts, and go with the route that stimulates you the most intellectually. Wouldn’t it be nice to use your brain again after an entire year of Netflix?


Look at you, Cancer! Manifesting and sh*t. The other signs are jealous. With the New Moon in Aries, you’re getting exactly the boost you need to send you rocketing directly toward your goals. And the best part? You’re actually going to enjoy it. As long as you don’t let yourself stress over every little thing. (Easier said than done, we know…)


Class is in session, Leo! This Aries New Moon is all about opening your mind to new ideas, concepts, and ways of doing things. Keep an eye out for unlikely teachers in the form of family, friends, strangers, and even coworkers. As crazy as it may sound, they do occasionally have good ideas, and you might be interested in hearing them. If only to incorporate them into your smarter, better idea, of course.


The New Moon is all about bringing what was once in the darkness to light, meaning you might find yourself dealing with some emotions that you’ve been trying to suppress. Grab a tissue, grab a snack, and let it all out. It’s better to let the moon make you sensitive for a few days than to bottle it all up inside. Unless you want to end up the villain in Hulu’s next big true crime series.


New Moon means new relationships for you, Libra! If you’ve been patiently waiting for your pandemic prince to arrive: good news! Now is the time to actually make that happen. Connections will come easily to you this week, meaning it is the perfect time to post up in the park with your cutest sundress and hope someone hot accidentally throws a frisbee your way. The rest is history.


New Moon, new you! If you weren’t feeling the whole “health and wellness goals” thing back in at the start of the traditional new year, you might feel a sudden desire to learn all about macronutrients as we move into the astrological new year this month. Besides, who actually works out and eats healthy in winter? Seems very suss…


This month’s New Moon is all about opening your mind to new possibilities. Now is the perfect time to revisit your goals, either for this year or for life in general. Have you been dreaming big enough? Beyoncé didn’t become Beyoncé by settling for being the lead vocalist in one of the most iconic girl groups of the 1990s. That was just a first act.


The New Moon is giving you the reason (and motivation) to get your spring cleaning under way. The New Moon is all about newness (say that five times fast), and nothing makes things seem new-er than when they are clean. Of course, you could also just go out and buy all new sh*t, but that seems kind of expensive and unnecessary. Do you, though!


The New Moon has you standing directly in your power, Aquarius, so now is not the time to hold back. This is a time for speaking your mind and getting what you want, even if you have to ruffle a few feathers. It’s not like you haven’t pissed people off before. And it’s not like you won’t piss them off again…


Beware of over-spending, Pisces! The New Moon is making you extra sensitive, and you may try to fill the void with stuff. Unfortunately, as much as we’d like to pretend a giant order of new skin care products from Sephora will fix everything, it actually will not. Save the money and work on yourself instead. It’s free.

Images: Brock Wegner / Unsplash; Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.