Maybe Try Therapy: Weekend Horoscopes April 16-18

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Welp, here we are again, praying that the universe is kind this weekend and that Aries—that tricky, fickle bitch—doesn’t cause unnecessary drama, fights, or #feelings just because it doesn’t have any zodiac friends. Like, don’t take it out on us, Aries. Maybe it’s time you gave therapy a try.

Anyway, maybe this is the weekend that things go super right and everyone is in a great mood? We can hope.


It’s probably best you aren’t around people the first half of the weekend, Aries, since you’re likely to blow up and say mean, hurtful things without really meaning them. Luckily, by Saturday evening the fog will have lifted and you’ll be sorta nice again. Use Sunday to rearrange sh*t in your house so you can feel like you paid someone a bunch of money for interior design work. It’ll be fun.


Your brain won’t STFU or turn off this weekend Taurus, and although that’s usually really f*cking annoying, you should use it to your own benefit. If you’ve been trying to impress your boss, tackle that work project you’ve been putting off. If you hate work and are looking for your big break, this weekend is the time to write your memoir or pursue becoming some kind of influencer. Idk if it’ll work (probs not), but the stars are telling you to believe in yourself, so go for it.


You’re dying to be the life of the party, so head out somewhere you can socially distance on Saturday and surround yourself (from six feet away) with people who will soak up your awesomeness. Sunday is all about adult sh*t, though, so stick close to home and go through your spending from the last week. You may find that you’ve gone a little off the rails with takeout this month, so maybe it’s time to research meal planning and easy recipes.


Chill tf out, Cancer. You may have some trouble powering down on Friday night, but if you can’t sleep, maybe you can do something productive, like a puzzle, or the dishes that have been there since Tuesday. Saturday will be much more relaxed, so plan on sticking close to home and wearing a lot of stretchy loungewear.


You’re dying to be social this weekend, Leo, so make plans with some friends after work on Friday and find a restaurant or bar where you can tip well, support local, and get maybe a little bit tipsy. Nurse your hangover on Saturday with some much needed r&r in the form of Netflix murder mysteries, then head to bed early because the universe wants to fill your head with some weird dreams.


Work sucks, Virgo, and you’re kind of fighting the urge to let a string of inappropriate no-no words fly at your boss on Friday. Calm down, leave, and use the weekend to recharge, update that resume, and try to get your head around the whole situation. The moon is like, “talk to a friend,” so take that advice and call up some of your favs for a “what would you do” chat.


Consider the stars your excuse for getting off the couch this weekend, Libra. Plan a long hike (maybe, like, with wine at the end as a reward) so you can be one with nature on Saturday, and make a conscious effort to keep your phone/computer/screens off and away for at least the day. You may have to deal with some work stuff on Sunday, but it won’t be anything you can’t handle after a margarita or two.


If something has been bothering you, get to the bottom of it this weekend, Scorpio. Maybe you’ve wanted to tackle a few subjects with your S.O., like vacuuming duties or how often he’s been doing Zoom happy hours. Just keep it light, and you should be able to weed through some bullsh*t. Sunday is for funsies, so make time to go out and grab a glass or wine with a friend.


You’ll need some deep breathing in order to not be the next subject of a murder doc this weekend, Sagittarius. Your S.O. is going to get on your last f*cking nerve, so instead of screaming through it, just get out of the house for the day. Plan a dinner out with your partner on Sunday once you’ve both had some time to breathe and be apart. Maybe some weird makeup sex thrown in for good measure? Idk, you do you.


Ignore work drama, Capricorn, even if a parking lot fist fight between those two toxic bros in accounting is A+ entertainment heading into the weekend. Saturday the moon is all about highlighting your partnerships, so whether you’re in a committed relationship, need time with your bestie, or want to schedule a mommy date, set a few hours aside to be with someone whose company you enjoy.


Sexy times are in store this weekend, Aquarius. If you’re in a relationship, schedule a date night with your S.O. either at your fav restaurant or at home with pizza, sweats, and a movie you can text through. Then, plan a long, fun romp in bed. You deserve it. If you’re single, now is absolutely the time to meet up with your Tinder crush. Keep it casual, like a few beers at a brewery, a walk in the park, or a nacho-eating contest. It could lead to big sh*t.


You may feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, Pisces. Instead of blowing up at your friends and fam, use your creative, moody energy to do hot girl sh*t around the house, like painting a wall, refurbishing that old dresser, or just perusing home improvement boards on Pinterest. Even if your project doesn’t end up like your vision, at least you’ll have kept from having dumb arguments with people you actually like.

V soon you’ll be able to get your horoscopes delivered right to your inbox twice a week. Sign up for our Blame It On Retrograde newsletter now to be the first to know when it launches.

Images: Brian Wangenheim / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson