Mercury Is Making You Talk Sh*t: Weekend Horoscopes April 12-14

That bitch Mercury is acting up again. No, she’s not in retrograde, but she is teaming up with Jupiter to reduce your filter to, um, zero. Considering how little of a filter you typically have, I don’t think I need to explain how dangerous this can be. Be careful, especially when there’s alcohol involved. I can’t make your decisions for you, but I can tell you what to watch out for, in the form of your weekend horoscopes. Keep reading to find out how many “u up?” texts you’ll be dodging this weekend.


Time to download another one of those meditation apps (and actually do it this time), because this weekend is all about mindfulness. Live in the f*cking present for once! That means not spending all of Saturday waiting around for a text back. It’s like Gandhi said: “Be the text back that you want to see in the world.” (I think I got that right…)


You’re in a glass case of emotion right now, Taurus, and that does not bode well for your friends/significant other/Alexa/any slow walkers who dare cross your path. Be sure to schedule some alone time to chill tf out to avoid any unnecessary public blowups. You don’t wanna become the next viral freakout video. It’s not a good look.


You face a classic dilemma this weekend, Gemini. Work or play? Your desire to party your heart out and your desire to become a boss b*tch in your career are clashing hard right now. Set aside a little time for both this weekend. No need to Elle Woods it and completely miss your senior spring to study for the LSAT. We can’t all be that dedicated.


Okay Hermione, lookatchu knowing all the answers to things. You’re going to have a Jimmy Neutron-style brain blast this weekend, meaning its probably a good time to actually sit down and do your taxes. Come Monday, all that mental fortitude will be gone and you’ll be back to watching KUWTK re-runs on E! and rewinding every 10 minutes because you missed something.


Slow your roll, Leo! You might feel in a rush to lock down your next romantic relationship, or to take your current one to the next level, but now is not the time! Instead, why don’t you try *gasp* appreciating what you already have? You might miss these will-they-won’t-they romance days 10 years from now, when your newborn baby pukes on you in public.


Are you a Kardashian? Because you’re being hilariously bitchy right now. Take a deep breath. Find your happy place. And for the love of God, please refrain from telling Jess her wedding theme is “tacky as f*ck.” I’ll leave you with the advice I’ve given many signs before you: if you don’t have something nice to say, put it in the group chat.


People are trying to f*ck with you right now, Libra, but you’ve got to rise above. Channel your inner Michelle Obama and leave the pettiness for lesser betches. While your crew spends Saturday night arguing with some other girls who cut them in line, you can just hang back at the bar and drink all the drinks they left behind. Remember: when they go low, you get drunk.


You’re another sign that’s in danger of popping off this weekend, Scorpio. The world is trying to test you, but you stopped taking tests long ago. Set yourself a challenge to just let sh*t slide this weekend. If its still bothering you on Monday, bring it up. If it’s not, chalk it up to being hangry and move the f*ck on.


TMI, Sagittarius. You’re in the mood to overshare this weekend, which is fine, but please read the room. Breaking down crying over your inability to make meaningful connections at girls night? Totally acceptable. In fact, encouraged. Losing your sh*t at the company softball game because the ref is triggering your daddy issues? Maybe keep some of that to yourself…


Normally the weekend is for letting loose and cutting back on inhibitions, but your judgement is cloudy as f*ck this weekend, so it’s time to ask for second opinions. You’re just not in the mental space to be responsible for…well…anything right now, so why not call up your most has-their-sh*t-together friend and ask for help? They won’t judge you (too much).


Time to hide your credit card from yourself for at least the next two days. You’re going to be very tempted to splurge this weekend, Aquarius, but you straight-up can’t afford that right now. Taxes need to be paid. Wedding gifts need to be bought. Not to mention that pesky student loan. This is not the weekend to buy rounds of shots for strangers at every bar in a five-mile radius. Sorry.


You’re really leaning into being your most Pisces self, aka you’re highly emotional. Schedule some emotion-releasing activities this weekend like a luxurious bubble bath, listening to Adele in a dark room, or rewatching the OC episode where Marissa dies. All guaranteed to help bring on a crying session.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.