Don’t Even Try To Get Work Done This Week: Weekly Horoscopes April 5-9

Want horoscopes delivered straight to your inbox twice a week? You’ll be able to get that v soon. Sign up here to be the first to know about it.

I regret to inform you the work week is canceled. Not like, legally (boo), but astrologically. This week, Neptune in Pisces is clashing with Mars in Gemini, leaving us all feeling really effing confused. This, plus Neptune’s foggy energy obscuring everything in its path, means that maybe you should pump the breaks on any life-changing decisions this week. Neptune needs your full attention. 


Good thing they just legalized weed in New York (sorry if you live somewhere lame), because Neptune is making you feel a little stoned out. Use this as a celestial sign to chill out, man. Now is not the time to initiate any tough conversations, or make any big decisions. Now is the time to sit, back, relax, and slowly devour all the snacks in your house. 


Trust no bitch. This week, Neptune is f*cking things up in your house of collaboration, meaning you need to take everything people say with a grain of salt. Does your boss really just wanna hop on a Zoom “real quick” or are you about to be roped into an hour-long strategy meeting that could have been a Slack? Stay vigilant. 


Thought you could finally put your life in cruise control? Think again. That messy bitch Neptune is here, and you never know what she might throw in your way. Be on alert this week for dramatic people, toxic behavior, and any other type of sh*t you don’t need in your life. When in doubt, remember the immortal words of Meredith Mark and announce, “I’m disengaging.” 


Not Neptune rolling into your chart to mess with your goals! Neptune’s hazy effect might make you lose sight of what you’ve been working toward, or second guess your path this week. Keep your eyes on the prize, and don’t let that nasty beyotch Neptune let you doubt your shine. She’s just jealous, anyway. 


Neptune is scrambling your signals and making it harder than ever not to take things personally. Did they text “k” because they are okay with the situation at hand, or did they say “k” because they secretly have an undying hatred for you that can only be expressed in single letter words? Give yourself (and your text friends) a break. We’re still in a pandemic, after all. 


Neptune? In your relationship zone? Say it ain’t so! This week Neptune is here to rock the boat at home. Before losing your sh*t on an unsuspecting loved one, ask yourself, “is my partner really breathing louder today, or have I just not had water in eight hours?” The answer may surprise you! 


Your attention span this week is approximately the length of one TikTok, as Neptune throws a fog over basically all of your brain functions. Apologies in advance to anyone who was relying on you. Double check your emails for typos, then otherwise phone it in. If your boss asks, say Neptune made you do it. 


TMI, Scorpio! Neptune is out here distorting how you view the world, and this could result in some serious oversharing. Best to just set all your profiles to private now so you don’t wreak too much havoc on the newsfeed. You can only “accidentally” post a nipple so many times. 


Trouble in paradise? Neptune is bringing her textbook drama to your home life, meaning you and your roommate are in danger of reigniting the passive-aggressive Post-it war of 2015. Those were tough times. Don’t let Neptune’s importance obscure what is really important in a home-partner: reliably remembering to pick up good-quality toilet paper from the store. 


The traditional hibernation season may be over, but you’re looking for a couple extra zzzs. Neptune has hit the snooze button on any major plans you had this week. The energy just isn’t there. The vibe, frankly, is not right. Try again next week. 


You see it. You like it. You want it. You got it. This week, Neptune is fogging up the part of your brain that keeps tabs on your credit card bill, meaning you might be in the mood for a bit of a spending spree. I’d say hand your cards over to a responsible party, but you already have that sh*t saved on all your devices, so hopefully you at least remember to do one of those pay-in-four things so you don’t completely deplete your checking. 


With Neptune chilling in your sign, it is not likely you will have any clue wtf is going on this week. Just gonna have to fake it ‘til you make it, or until Neptune stops making every work email read like gobblydogook and turning every text into a riddle. Do I want to “hang out” later?!?! What could it mean?!?! 

Images: Stocksy, Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.