Relationships can be really complicated and sometimes, it can feel like your relationship is full of nothing but complications. Even if you absolutely love and adore your partner and think they tick all your boxes, it’s possible that you go through phases where it feels like no matter how hard you try, nothing is working. Now, a lot of people typically choose to do one of two things when this happens: they either stick it out and work on things (causing the problems to either subside or just get worse), or they decide to break up. However, some people choose a more controversial third option: some couples decide to take a break.
Now, as a survivor of a six-year-long on-and-off relationship, I’m biased — I think breaks are stupid and that if you need one from your relationship, you might as well make it permanent, but relationship therapist Amber Robinson doesn’t necessarily agree.
“Taking a break in a relationship isn’t always a bad thing,” Robinson says. “In fact, it can be one of the healthiest decisions couples can make.” She explains that if a couple decides to take a break, it can create the space for them to think deeply about their life with and without their partner.
Relationship expert Dr. Channa Bromley says that a break can reset a relationship and force clarity if a break is done right. “A break is less about ‘needing space’ and more about seeing who you are without the constant presence of your partner,” Dr. Bromley says. “Psychologically, it’s a mirror-you’re forced to confront what you’ve been ignoring: unmet needs, suppressed doubts, or even the realization that you’ve been holding onto someone out of fear, not love.”
If you’re someone who has a secure attachment style, taking a break can actually bring you a lot of insight into your relationship and sometimes even help pave the way for reconnection with your partner. But if you’re someone who’s anxious (hi, it’s me) or avoidant, a break is probably going to be super tough on you.
“The truth is, taking a break isn’t about testing a relationship; it’s about exposing it,” she says. “If you’re hoping time apart will magically make the problems disappear, you’re in for a rude awakening.”
How To Do A “Break” The Right Way
For something that often means no communication, a break really does require a lot of communication beforehand. That’s why you need to get as specific as possible when you and your partner are laying down what your break will look like.
“Without boundaries — what’s allowed, what’s off-limits, and how long the break will last — it’s like handing someone a scalpel without instructions,” Dr. Bromley says. “You risk cutting deeper wounds instead of healing them.”
If you need help figuring out how to set these boundaries, Robinson suggests starting with these questions: What is the goal of the break? What will communication look like during this time? Are we seeing other people? When do we plan to come together to re-evaluate the relationship?
Dr. Bromley explains that when things are left up in the air, it leaves a lot of room for insecurity, which we all know can break down a relationship faster than any fight. This is also why thinking about why you’re taking a break is crucial.
Psychiatrist and chief medical officer Dr. Michael Kane urges you to ask yourself these questions when considering a break: Are you looking to work on personal issues that might be affecting the relationship? Are there unresolved conflicts that need space to cool down?
“Identifying the purpose can help both partners focus on growth rather than simply drifting apart,” Dr. Kane tells Betches.
And of course, you want to make sure you’re actually reflecting during the break. If you’re just looking to get a hall pass or be freed from the responsibilities of being a partner, you might actually be more interested in breaking up than taking a break. That’s why Dr. Kane suggest that couples use the time during a break productively.
“Many of my patients have benefited from speaking with a therapist during a break, either individually or together,” he says. “Therapy can provide insights into underlying patterns, communication challenges, and personal triggers that might be contributing to the relationship strain.”
It’s also a great time to see how (and who) you are outside of your relationship. It’s possible that you’ve become slightly codependent on your partner while together, so taking a break is a chance to get to know yourself again. And sometimes, that realization isn’t what you think it’ll be.
“This isn’t just about clarity for the relationship — it’s clarity for the individual,” Dr. Bromley says. “Sometimes, stepping away makes you realize the relationship has been holding you back, and that truth can be devastating for the partner who isn’t ready to hear it.”
When Should A Break Turn Into A Breakup?
A break can be super beneficial in helping you figure out exactly what it is you want and don’t want out of your relationship. But let’s be real, there’s always the chance that this clarity might lead you to realize the break should be permanent.
“If you feel lighter, healthier, or happier on the break, these are probably signs that breaking up is the best decision,” Robinson says. “Additionally, if you realize your relationship has become unhealthy or if there are any kinds of abuse present, breaking up and going no contact is a better option.”
And if you’re unsure about what to do? Well, that’s when a therapist comes in. At the end of the day, you want to make the decision that’s healthiest for you.
