When I decided at the not at all young age of twenty-one that I wanted to become a writer, I never would have thought that I’d find myself, just four years later, studiously compiling a list of all the people that the President of the United States has personally feuded with. Anytime that someone (probably rightfully) tries tells you how petty you are, remind them that the most powerful man in the world blocked Chrissy Teigen on Twitter because she said “Lolllllll no one likes you.”
Without further ado, here is the undisputed, completely objective ranking of Donald Trump’s most outrageous feuds. For the sake of brevity and my own sanity, the list was limited to altercations that have occurred since this orange stain of a man became president. Highly recommend rinsing your eyes with bleach upon completion of this article.
Meryl Streep
All the way back in the beginning of 2017, before Trump was even inaugurated, Meryl Streep was one of the first celebrities to publicly stand against him. During an impassioned Golden Globes acceptance speech, our Lord and Savior Meryl called on the media to fight back against Trump’s generally terrible behavior and treatment of humans. Trump, likely sitting at home in front of the TV in his Meryl Streep #1 Fan shirt, did not take her call to arms well. Shocking.
In a nightly ritual that the world would soon become all too familiar with, Trump let off a stream of 3:00AM tweets raging against the objectively most-likeable and respected person in the world.
At this moment we all should have known that the logical next step would be goading hostile world leaders into a nuclear winter, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess.
Lavar Ball
In November, LiAngelo Ball was taken into Chinese custody for shoplifting while in the country for a UCLA Basketball team trip. No one, including his father Lavar, seemed to be especially concerned by this, considering the fact that the Chinese government is wildly corrupt and some light shoplifting is nothing that a hefty bribe can’t resolve.
Trump happened to be in China while this mess was going down and claims to have arranged LiAngelo’s release, for which he apparently expected a parade and sincere, handwritten note from Lavar. He got neither of those things, and took his hurt feelings to, you guessed it, Twitter.
Lavar claims Trump had nothing to do with the release and literally told the President of the United States to stay in his lane. I don’t care how ugly Big Baller Brand’s shoes are, this man is my idol. I cannot understate how badly I want to watch a live televised debate between these two human disasters.
Steph Curry
2017 was a year of many terrible things, but one of the few highlights was the sports world deciding to collectively rise up and tell the Great Pumpkin to fuck off. What a time to be alive.
After winning the NBA Playoffs, Steph Curry of the Golden State Warriors said that he would be abstaining from the traditional White House visit. Being the mature world leader that he is, Trump immediately uninvited him.
It’s taken me a long time to figure out what the most upsetting part about this whole scenario is and I’m just really stuck on the fact that this is a move straight out of my sixth grade playbook. Oh what was that, Morgan? You don’t want to come to my birthday party? That’s funny because I don’t remember inviting you.
Colin Kaepernick
In Trump’s ongoing rampage against black citizens athletes, he set his beady sights on Colin Kaepernick’s peaceful NFL protests. You know, the ones that were hurting literally nobody. At a rally in September, which real life humans are for some reason still attending, Trump said “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now?’” It’s like the man can’t even pretend he’s not a racist piece of shit.
Kristen Gillibrand
Remember that time that the “leader” of the “free world” implied that a female Democratic Senator traded sexual favors for campaign contributions? No? Let me refresh your memory.
This offensive on so many levels. Most obviously, a man who already has an awful reputation amongst women is out here, on the Internet, implying that a woman who has dedicated her life to politics is giving blow jobs for cash. It’s unreal. Beyond that, this 71-year-old desiccated tangerine seems to think that blow job jokes are the pinnacle of humor. I’m sorry, but I’m still not over the fact that people I occasionally share air with elected him to the most powerful office in the world.
Carmen Yulin Cruz
After Puerto Rico was ravaged by one of the worst hurricanes in the history of modern existence, Trump immediately sent aid and helped rebuild the heavily damaged infrastructure in a country that is very much under his jurisdiction.
NOT. (Please support the Borat voice revival ladies. 2018. It’s happening.)
He flew his lumpy ass down there, tossed some paper towels into a crowd of people like he was operating a t-shirt gun at a basketball game, and then started attacking the Mayor of San Juan on Twitter. Great.
How dare this ungrateful woman expect that the US government come in and prevent the unnecessary death of thousands of people!!! Wake up, snowflake!!! This is America!!! Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and rebuild your entire city by yourself!!
Steve Bannon
Oh how the tables have turned. Once the right hand man to the small hand man, Bannon’s fall from grace has been as entertaining to watch as his rapid de-escalation into an extra on The Walking Dead.
The highly anticipated release of the official Donald Trump Burn Book, Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury, has further driven an already sizable wedge between the two lovebirds, partially because Bannon helped facilitate it. If you haven’t read some of the juicer excerpts, please read our favs here. It’s Christmas all over again.
Bannon has become hated enough to earn himself a coveted Trump Twitter nickname: Sloppy Steve. While accurate, I’m giving this a C-minus for lack of originality. Sloppy? Sure. But that’s like describing Trump as an apricot left in the sun for too long– barely scraping the surface.
Simpering Steve? Soul Sucking Steve? Nazi-Loving-White-Supremacist-Supporting Steve? Idk, just spit balling here.
Hillary Clinton
It’s been over a year. 424 days to be exact. And he just won’t. Fucking. Let. It. Go. It seems as if whenever Trump runs out of banal things to rage tweet at 3AM from his toilet, he’s got a draft folder of Hillary material just waiting to be published. Just your usual behavior of a very stable genius.
Leave Hillary alone! The woman has suffered enough! She’s had to touch your slimy micro-hands! Let her stroll through her woods in peace!
Kim Jong Un
Lil Kim snagged the coveted number one spot on this list because his feud is going to be the mostly likely to result in all of our deaths. Remember when we thought that Seth Rogen and James Franco were going to be the ones to trigger nuclear war? Those were the days.
Trump’s penchant for calling Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man” and tweeting truly unhinged threats at North Korea isn’t new by any stretch of the word, but things have escalated in 2018.
President Molding Yam only needed 48 hours to ruin my resolution of “try not to have a Twitter-induced aneurysm” by tweeting this, the single most abominable sentence that I have every laid my eyes upon. Considering I’ve read at least half of 50 Shades of Grey and some lengthy Twilight fan fiction that a girl in high school asked me to edit, this is a feat.
Sleep soundly tonight knowing that the guy who thinks the “That Was Easy” button from Staples on his desk actually has the capacity to launch nuclear missiles also has the fate of the entire world in his insignificant, orange hands.
Since so many worthy feuds had to be overlooked, here’s an honorable mention of the people and things the President has probably asked the Secret Service to kill before they laughed directly in his face:
Kristen Stewart, Rosie O’Donnell, Jemele Hill, The Media, Angela Merkel, Rihanna, Martha Stewart, Bette Midler, women in general, especially those women he assaulted, immigrants, everyone in Puerto Rico, people who aren’t white, Obama, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mark Cuban, Neil Young, Michael Moore, David Letterman, Snoop Dog, the TV show SNL, the Broadway play Hamilton, James Comey, Robert Mueller, Senate Republicans, Senate Democrats, the Constitution, the popular vote, anyone capable of rational thought, and last but not least: me, if he ever reads any of the things I’ve written about him.
I would go on but the Decomposing Carrot in Chief has stopped my will to do so.
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