The more we think about it, finding a good workout can be a lot like dating. They’re both exhausting activities that we periodically decide to give a shit about, but mostly just like to complain about on while we sit our couches instead. And just like all of our favorite workouts, human men have different personalities (or so we have read). So which type of guy would each workout be? We decided to figure that out, since the similarities are so striking and also we didn’t feel like moving today.
Yoga: The Nice Guy
Just like texting a nice guy for validation when you’re bored, yoga is the class you go to when you need an easy boost. Especially when you’re hungover, both of these activities will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something with extremely minimal effort. Sitting in child’s pose for 45 minutes and getting Greg to tell you you’re the coolest girl he’s ever met is literally so easy and bound to chill you out if you’re trying to have a restful day. Namast’ay thirsty, betch.
Spinning: The Fuckboy
Whichever studio you’re most obsessed with, spinning brands have a way of making us feel like we’re special when they’re secretly seeing a LOT of other people. We’ll be months into chasing after a particular instructor before we realize that a) they told some other girl she ALSO had amazing form and b) we’ve spent like, over $1,000 trying to get them to love us. Much like a fuckboy, we continue to come back to these studios because they wished us a happy birthday one time and their taste in rap remixes totally gets us.
Running: The One We’re Secretly Planning To Settle Down With
Running is the exercise activity we’ve all flirted with, but can’t really get serious about until later in life. We know it’s good for us, but at the current moment it’s just a little too boring and there are too many fun classes we can purchase for $45 rather than run in a straight line for an hour. Someday we’ll do a half-marathon, just like someday we’ll settle down with a guy who doesn’t binge drink every weekend. Right now it’s just too soon, though.
Walking: The Guy Everyone Has Hooked Up With
Sure, going for a walk is by definition a form of exercise, but no one actually feels special after doing it. It’s basically the same thing as breathing, or making out with Dan, which literally everyone does all the time. It’s hard to even call this a workout or a hookup, but it’s appropriate for the times when all you’re looking for is “better than nothing.”
Crossfit/Bootcamp: A Sober First Date
These aren’t for all betches and only for the most disciplined of us. I’m not even sure which sounds less appealing: running around with a tire for an hour or discussing each other’s hobbies over Sunday morning coffee. Both are pretty painful and bound to remind us of how weak we actually are, but I guess at the end you’re glad it happened because it proved that you were capable of putting yourself to the test, but you’ll be grabbing a bottle of wine ASAP when it’s over.
Zumba/Dance Cardio: A Drunk Makeout
You did this one time because you were drunk and all your friends thought it was funny. It was more for the laughs than anything else, and you don’t actually like to bring it up too often since it’s definitely not a real thing. You especially hope there aren’t videos of what happened during the “Despacito” portion.
The Gym’s Sauna: The Perfect Guy Doesn’t Exist
Ok so spending time in the sauna might not technically count as a workout, but it will make you sweat while at the gym and honestly that’s close enough in our books. Unlike other exercises, sitting there actually feels right for a change and nothing makes you more at ease. It’s basically like the perfect guy, hence why it’s a tease and the only good ones are found at Equinox.
