I love Sex and the City, but let’s be real: they say a lot of nonsense on that show. Like when Carrie called bisexuality the “layover on the way to gay town,” when Charlotte said you can become “revirginized” if you don’t have sex for a year, or when Carrie said that purses are to women what balls are to men. The ridiculousness is truly why I watch the show over and over again.
But every so often, one of the four friends will say something that sticks with me, like it really sticks with me. And one of those things was when Miranda explained the taxi cab theory.
What Is The Taxi Cab Theory?
The taxi cab theory is that men are like taxi cabs. They don’t necessarily marry the love of their life, or someone they may feel is a good life partner for them. Instead, one day, their light just turns on, and the next “passenger” that gets in is the one they choose to settle down with. It’s essentially saying that it’s not about how good of a partner you are; it’s just about finding someone whose light is on.
Now when I heard this, I became immediately depressed. Sure, it felt reassuring to think that the failed relationships and situationships I had were less about me and more about a man’s “cab light being off.” Still, there was also the flip side: Is all there is to look forward to in a future husband someone who decided that it wasn’t me who was special but that they were just ready to get married — and I happened to be there?
While Miranda called it the “taxi cab theory,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, relationship expert at DatingAdvice, calls it the “dugout theory.”
For those of my girlies who know nothing about baseball, the dugout is the place where a player waits when he’s not on the field.
“When a pitcher has his stuff, he’ll pitch to whoever’s up at bat,” Dr. Walsh explains. “A man at his state of readiness may have had better girlfriends in the past or the prospect of better women in his future, but once he’s ready, he’ll pitch to whatever woman is up at bat.”
According to Dr. Walsh, whether you call it the taxi cab theory or the dugout theory, they both are pretty true. Cue my internal crumbling.
Is The Taxi Cab Theory True?
“Men are busy building their lives, and once their education is complete, their career trajectory is on track, and their friends are coupling up, they commit to whatever woman is in their life,” Dr. Walsh (who has a PhD in clinical psychology, BTW) explains. Bleak? I think so! But Dr. Walsh says this shouldn’t be concerning to women.
“Why does it matter?” she encourages women to ask themselves. “He’s ready! I guess the biggest question is, ‘What is love?‘” She explains that everyone has a different model for love in their head, and love doesn’t feel the same for any two people. And for a lot of men, their “state of readiness” is a state of love.
I don’t know about you, but that depresses the fuck out of me. Call me unrealistic or a hopeless romantic, but it’s not enough for me to know that a man is marrying me simply because he’s ready. I’m not desperate to be chosen or get married, so it’s not something I’m willing to just look past. I want a man to marry me because I’m his person and the best thing that could ever happen to him — not because he’s just ready to settle down. I want a man to want to marry me because he wants to marry me.
But if you’re someone who just wants a partner who’s ready to get married, Dr. Walsh explains there’s a pretty telltale sign to see if a potential partner is open to that kind of commitment.
“His career and finances are in order, and his friends are getting married,” she says firmly. “Weddings are highly contagious within male social communities.”
Unfortunately, we’ve all experienced a man whose taxi cab light was most definitely not on. However, Dr. Walsh explains that some women know how to assess this pretty much from the jump.
“Smart women know how to negotiate commitment very quickly, and if they sense that he’s not at a state of readiness, they move on,” she says. “It’s generally not a good idea to continue to invest in a man and wait for his state of readiness.” This is, unfortunately, why some girlfriends end up as nothing more than placeholders — until that taxi light comes on, they’re ready to pitch, and someone happens to come along.
