I have a confession. I’ve had as much fun as the next girl watching Selling Sunset. I truly enjoyed my time binge-watching Below Deck Mediterranean. And I’m absolutely delighted in how much smarter I was than those horny dummies hemorrhaging money on Too Hot to Handle. But I’ll be damned if I am not ready for my OG reality obsession to start back up. Sure, I may sh*t talk The Bachelor franchise to anyone with ears (mostly my dog these days), but I think we all know that when I’m on my deathbed surrounded by friends and loved ones I’ll use my last words to whisper, “They were all there for the wrong reasons.” So I am pleased to say that The Bachelorette is finally premiering on ABC Tuesday, October 13th at 8/7 central (I swear, I spend half my life shilling for Chris Harrison). In anticipation of the show, and what we know will be a bonkers season, I started thinking about the wildest moments that this franchise has blessed us with. And I’m not talking about Colton jumping the fence, I wrote that phrase more times than my own name in 2019 and I’ve asked the devil to strike me down if I ever dare do it again. I’m talking about the moments you forgot about, the weird, the awkward, the shriek-worthy. Let us remember together.
The Contestant That Dated A Producer
Okay, I’m taking us way back to Jake Pavelka’s season in 2010 for this one, and yes I know that was a long time ago. I told you this is the list of moments you forgot! You’re not going to forget something that happened last season unless you drank an entire bottle of wine every episode! Oh wait… do I need to rethink this entire list? Whatever, I’m going with it. Anyway, on Jake’s season, there was a contestant who got kicked off the show because she engaged in a “physical relationship” with a producer. Chris Harrison claimed the producer confessed multiple times to multiple people (seems excessive, but k), and that other girls on the show saw it happen. Shame, shame, I know your name. And it’s Rozlyn Papa!
Rozlyn was confronted by Chris and kicked off the show. She vehemently denied that anything happened with the producer, claiming they were just “close friends.” Either way, it was enough to get her the boot.
Nick Viall Slut-Shames Andi Dorfman
I’d be remiss if I did not mention the Bachelor whose entire being is an assault on all five of my senses, who single-handedly turned me against the turtleneck, and whose voice sends a chill down my spine. And that man is Nick Viall. Nick must have some dark sh*t on Mike Fleiss to have gotten himself on this franchise four times because I truly do not get his appeal. Especially since his first appearance was such a disaster. For you youngsters who only know Nick as The Bachelor, please take my hand while I lead you back to Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette in 2014. Nick was the runner-up, which makes sense because nice guys finish last, but slut-shaming creeps usually finish second.
During the After The Final Rose special, Nick confronted Andi and said to her, “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you made love with me.” First of all, only the most deranged psychopaths would say “made love with me.” Like, pretty sure even Ted Bundy knew that was too f*cking weird for a normal human to say. Second of all, really pal? You have to call her out for sleeping with you on national TV just because you’re embarrassed she didn’t pick you? And also, I’m confused. When you became the bachelor, Nick, a woman you slept with at Jade’s wedding showed up. If you weren’t in love with her, why did you make love with her? ANSWER ME. You know what? I’m getting re-fired up about this. Maybe with all this free time I’ve acquired during the pandemic, I should start doing some good in the world. And by that I mean finding Nick Viall, following him to all of his sexual encounters, hiding behind the curtains, and screaming “if you aren’t in love with her, why did you make love with her!” when it’s all over. Or is that going too far? I can’t tell what’s socially acceptable anymore.
Demario’s Ex-Girlfriend Shows Up
Demario Jackson was a contestant on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette. During a group basketball date, a woman claiming to be Demario’s girlfriend showed up. Lexi claimed that she and Demario had been dating for six months and that he had a key to her house. To be fair, anyone that looks under my doormat could claim to have a key to my house, so is that really a smoking gun? Regardless, Rachel told Demario to “get the f*ck out”, but he maintains that Lexi was a fake girlfriend, and tbh that girl was wearing a scrunchie before they officially came back, so I’d deny I dated her too.
Demario isn’t the only contestant over the years to have allegedly had a significant other during the filming of the show. Justin “Rated R” (gag me) Rego from Ali’s season walked so Demario could run. And most recently we had Jed Wyatt, Hannah’s winner, who went on the show while having a girlfriend in an attempt to further his career. I’m sure you all remember the chart-topping single “I wanna be your Mr. Right,” and his CMA nomination, right?
All Of The Terrible Humans That ABC Has Cast
Look, if I had to list all the racists, sexists, and convicted felons that have been cast on this show separately, I would die of carpal tunnel. And then how would I continue to delight you all with my witty commentary for years to come? So I’m going to lump them all together. First, we have Lee Garret, who was cast for Rachel Lindsay’s season, the first Black bachelorette, whose racist tweets surfaced after the season was filmed. Really, ABC? It took them so long to finally cast a Black lead, and then she has to deal with this sh*t. It’s not nice, it could have been avoided, and I’m not convinced it wasn’t done on purpose.
Then we have Lincoln Adim who was first known for sh*tting on the floor in his office bathroom and then later known for being convicted of indecent assault and battery on a cruise ship. He had already been charged when the show was cast and now he is officially a registered sex offender. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. ABC MUST stop hiring three toddlers in a trench coat to do background checks.
The Legend Of Sanderson Poe
Poor Sanderson Poe. He really became collateral damage in his sociopathic widow’s quest for reality TV fame, didn’t he? For those of you who are very confused right now, Kelsey Poe was a contestant on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor. At first, she seemed like the typical contestant of that time—a cute girl with a sob story. Mike Fleiss legit jerks off to sob stories. And so, it seems, does Kelsey Poe. Kelsey revealed her story to Chris, telling him about how she was widowed. But to the camera, she called her story amazing and declared that she loved her tragic story. Even I found it quite disturbing, and I’m usually totally fine with stories where men die. She went on to say “I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” I’m sorry, but did she steal that line straight out of the producer’s notebook at her casting session? You’re not supposed to view your own story the same way a poor, soulless, LA grunt would, Kelsey!
Then, Kelsey went on one of the most awkward 2-on-1 dates of all time with Ashley I, she of the overactive tear ducts, and Chris Soules, the aforementioned Bachelor who giggled for an entire season instead of forming full sentences. On that date, Chris decided to ditch them both, leaving them alone in the desert with only buckets of Ashley’s tears on which to survive.
The rose is just a rouse #thebachelor
Posted by Kelsey Poe on Sunday, February 8, 2015
All Of Chad’s Behavior
There were some admirable things about Chad Johnson, a contestant on JoJo Fletcher’s season of The Bachelorette. His commitment to fitness. His apparent ability to smuggle steroids through airport security. His affinity for protein. Unfortunately, those good qualities were overshadowed by his homicidal threats and blackout drunk episodes. If only he could have kept those pesky traits under control! Throughout the whole season, Chad was aggressive and threatening toward the other contestants. He grabbed Evan’s shirt and ripped it. He said he would dismember the other guys (that was a little funny). He even threatened to find Jordan after the show. Look Chad, you’re not Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, and this is not cute.
Except I guess ABC did think it was cute, because after JoJo kicked him off The Bachelorette, ABC cast him again for Bachelor in Paradise. And he was kicked off after the first night for “shockingly offensive behavior.” He got wasted, called multiple women bitches, and pooped his pants. He even had the gall to insult Chris Harrison AND mimosas when he was sober the next day. I am shocked!! It’s almost like the producers didn’t watch their own show! How could they have known he would behave this way? Oh wait, they totally could have. Stop casting toxic abusive assholes, ABC. How many homemade signs do I have to wave outside your office that say that? I only have so many glitter markers!
Raven’s Orgasm Dance
Did you think I was going to mock Nick Viall only one time in this article? I’d hoped you knew me better than that. Nick finally wormed his way to the top even after nobody wanted to see him on TV again, and was named the Bachelor. Raven Gates was a contestant on his season who confessed that she never had an orgasm before. And for some reason, she thought Nick was going to be the one to change that. They had their fantasy suite date, and in the morning Raven said “Nick is really good at what he does” and LITERALLY DID AN ORGASM DANCE around the town. Not only was this more embarrassing to me than the time my grandmother walked in on me watching Black Swan and I had to scream “look away!”, but I also just don’t believe it. There’s no way that Raven went 25 years without an orgasm, only to meet a man on a reality TV show who I’m pretty sure has a beard transplant, and THAT’S what finally does it for her? It’s just implausible, is all I’m saying. The numbers don’t add up.
And those are the wildest moments from The Bachelor that you forgot about. Did I forget any moments you forgot in this article? Let me know!
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Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (5); Kelsey Poe/Facebook; doyoucallthisimmature/Instagram
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!
Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.
Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.
Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.
^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn
Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.
Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.
So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!
Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.
Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?
LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?
DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.
ME:
Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.
JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.
CHRISTEN: lol
Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.
“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.
*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.
My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.
Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!
It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA??
I. AM. SHOOK.
Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:
Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.
Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.
ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?
AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.
THE FANTASY SUITE DATE
The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.
Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.
Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.
Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.
GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?
Yes, yes you did.
Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.
AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE
Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.
Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.
Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.
CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?
DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.
CORINNE: I am also in therapy.
Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!
Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?
They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…
They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.
DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*
GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?
YES.
Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.
Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.
That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.
And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids.
Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.
Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.
Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.
CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?
DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?
And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.
So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open mind and an open heart.
Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?
Whatever. I guess Derek has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.
Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.
The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!
If there’s one thing we can rely on in this topsy-turvy world where crazy white men rule with impunity and the rest of us try to figure out where to buy red cloaks before all the good ones are gone, it’s the Bachelor franchise. Dictators may rise, civilizations may fall, gorillas could overthrow the human race, but Chris Harrison and ABC will never relinquish their death grip on our Monday and Tuesday nights, even in the face of sexual misconduct allegations.
In case you hadn’t heard the fantastic news, Bachelor in Paradise is back in production after Warner Brothers pursued an internal investigation and determined that nothing shady happened. Sounds legit. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when you stick a bunch of Diff Eyewear ambassadors in a secluded resort, drown them in tequila, and then tell them to fuck each other? Other than absolutely everything? Let’s be real, we all know ABC had entire law firm on retainer in the event of this very incident occurring.
Is it messed up that Bachelor in Paradise is resuming filming while one of the cast members is actively pursuing a lawsuit for potential sexual assault? For sure. Does that mean we’re going to boycott it? Absolutely fucking not. Corinne and her platinum vagine hold a special place in my heart for being the sole source of entertainment in Nick Viall’s entire dismal season and I hope she gets a fat payout and the justice she deserves. However, I’m definitely still going to tune in to watch Raven and Robby fall in love and see Russian Alex grind on some unsuspecting women. Not a spoiler, we all know he’s not winning Rachel’s heart.
Other than the inevitable appearance of the Whaboom and Alexis “Dolphin” Waters, what else can we expect from quite literally the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise yet? We have a few ideas.
I’m praying for round two of Blake vs. the Whaboom. Unpopular opinion (but not really): I’m 100% Team Whaboom. You know Blake has a closet full of fedoras and has accused no less than 16 women in his life of friend-zoning him. The Whaboom is just reality TV trash, which is why we’re all watching this shit in the first place. Between a delusional wannabe actor with some questionable branding practices and a personal trainer/aspiring drummer who spent four solid minutes on national television talking about how great his dick is and insisted on questioning people’s motives during the very first cocktail party, I’ll take the former. Everyone knows that’s some week three material.
This is the way the world ends: not with a whimper, but with a Whaboom.
It’s already been announced that DeMario will be making his return, but what about Corinne? If she’s in the middle of a lawsuit against ABC, I don’t imagine they’d let her back into Paradise. But then again, I wouldn’t put it past them to exploit that for buzz. If Unreal has taught me anything, it’s that the executive producer of the Bachelor franchise will quite literally let someone die if it means a bump in ratings.
Speaking of exploitation, are we going to see the footage that started it all? Doubtful, but I can almost guarantee that we’ll get everything leading up to it, followed by a montage of concerned cast mates the next morning clamoring for the spotlight. Raven will say “oh my gawd” no less than 100 times throughout the course of the episode.
In general, you can expect the entire season to be a little darker than the paradise we’re accustomed to. Not even ABC has the balls to stroll back in and pretend like nothing happened. Corinne and Demario will be a theme throughout it all, which is sure to result in a bunch of tears from people who weren’t even remotely involved (I’m looking at you Raven).
DeMario will without a doubt suffer no less than three breakdowns throughout this journey to love. Like, he was already in deep shit after Girlfriend Gate 2017, can you imagine how the world would have reacted had he deprived us of Bachelor in Paradise? Anarchy. Of all these predictions, I’m the most confident that DeMario will hook up with Lace, who seems like the kind of girl to seek out troubled me so she can “fix” them. RIP #Grace.
We know for sure that Amanda, Vinny, Raven, Lace, Kristina and Astrid will all be returning post-scandal. Here’s your daily friendly reminder that if Amanda hadn’t been an idiot last season and chosen Josh over Nick, we all could have been spared an entire Bachelor era of wooly turtle necks and mind-numbingly dull conversation. She’s on our shit list.
Will Vinny recover from his heartbreaking departure last year? For sure, only to have Izzy show up four weeks in and fuck everything up. Remember how she left him out of the blue for a guy who wasn’t even interested in her? Fuck Izzy.
If Kristina and Alex don’t form the perfect Eastern European union, I will burn ABC to the ground. There has never been a greater need for some positive Russian news in America than in 2017. First of all, their children would be beautiful and probably all-star gymnasts. Can you imagine the sweet Russian nothings they would whisper to each other on a beachside cabana?? Let his mother soothe your childhood trauma with her fabulous kebabs, Kristina. It’s what the world wants.
Derek “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” Peth is possibly making an appearance in Paradise, and I would bet anything that he’s going to get into some shit with someone. Hopefully Chad, who is back in ABC’s good graces now that someone has surpassed his level of debauchery. We all know Derek is the sensitive one which leads me to believe he’ll immediately be drawn to Amanda. To be fair, every man is immediately drawn to Amanda, as she is a real life pixie with the voice of Thumbelina.
Of all the people we know to be arriving, Raven is the most likely to be engaged by the end of it. You know every guy in the franchise immediately got a boner at the thought of being the man to provide her with her first orgasm. I don’t care what anyone says, we all know Nick couldn’t do it.
Without a doubt, Carly and Evan will show up to get married and then condescendingly preach to everyone about the wonders of true love. Gag. Remember how Evan faked alcohol poisoning just so Carly would kiss him? Solid foundation for a happy marriage.
Will Chad return? Will the twins take a break from their shitty show to provide some much-needed comedic relief? Will Corinne make a brief appearance just to punch Taylor in the face and then leave? Most importantly, exactly how many gallons of mimosas will Chris Harrison consume over the course of these cursed six weeks? All this and more, this season on Bachelor in Paradise.
It’s almost time for the most absudly amazing summer television series to get its metaphorical ass back on air. That’s right, Bachelor in Paradise returns Tuesday, August 8th and we cannot fucking wait.
ABC released a cast breakdown including some people we knew would be there: Corinne, Raven, Amanda, Alexis, etc. But there are also some pretty notable people missing. Not on the list: The Chad. It doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t be there, just that ABC doesn’t want to give out too many #spoilers. Likewise, what’s Bachelor in Paradise without Ashley I. and her crazy crying spells? We might find out this season.
DeMario aka “Ooooh, who’s this?” from Rachel’s season is also set to appear. No word on if Whaboom and Banana Blake are also touching down in paradise, but there’s probably a good chance these two are facing off again in the near future on a TV screen near you.
Most of the other salty singles are from JoJo’s and Nick’s seasons. So who do we think is going to get down and dirty with each other? Below, our soon-to-be completely accurate predictions.
Robby and Raven: They were both runners-up on their respective seasons, so it makes sense that they’ll want some losers’ revenge and get with each other. Plus, girls with asses like Raven’s don’t date guys without abs. Robby certainly has that body thing going for him. Plus, Raven’s from East Bumfuck, Arkansas or something and Robbie is from Florida. They might be drawn to each other with a little bit of southern charm.
DeMario and Corinne: This is a bit of a wild pairing, I know. But think about it. They’re both loudmouths who will bond over being hated on their seasons. Corinne will notice that DeMario is, um, tall, and probably invite him for a tour around her platinum vagine. Plus, after meeting Lexie the ex, we know Demario is into short white girls. See, it’s perfect. You’re welcome.
Ben and Danielle M: Ben Zorn was on Katilin’s season. His Instagram says he’s a personal trainer. Danielle has been in a few country music videos, but was otherwise kind of boring on Nick’s season. I don’t think either of these people stand out because of their personalities, but they seem nice enough. They’re both tall and attractive and polite. It’ll work out.
St. Nick and Kristina: Nick came dressed as Santa on night one of JoJo’s season. Despite his stupid costume back then, he seems like a pretty well-rounded guy. You know, like he hasn’t been ho ho ho-ing around. OK, bad pun. Anyway, Kristina revealed the saddest story of all time on Nick’s season, that she grew up very poor in Russia and was so hungry once that she resorted to eating lipstick. I’m not crying, you’re crying. I think Nick would be a good match for Kristina. She quite literally deserves to be blessed with a good man and they don’t call him “Saint” Nick for nothing.
Vinny and Alexis: Sure, Vinny pretty much got dumped the last time he was on Bachelor in Paradise. This time, I don’t feel like he’ll be looking for love. Instead, he’ll be looking for a good time. That’s the perfect reason he should hook up with Shark/Dolphin Alexis. Alexis is never in a bad mood. She’s the perfect beach buddy. I think they’re both from Long Island or Jersey or somewhere equally trashy. As Tinder proves to us, proximity matters, and you’ll want someone you can send a “U Up?” text to after the show ends.
“Emotional Intelligence” Taylor is also on the show. Even though Blake E. (of Whaboom-hating fame) hasn’t been announced as an actual cast member yet, I feel like these two deserve each other and ABC needs to make it happen. Their hate for someone else got them both kicked off the show, and they’d be miserable together by constantly questioning the other’s motives.
Get pumped, Bachelor/ette nation.
As we have all known since she took her first sip of Champagne on The Bachelor, Corinne Olympios was literally made for Paradise. Like, I get that she was “in love” with Nick and all that, but I think it’s safe to say that the world needs Corinne blacking out on an island in Mexico with 25 other hot singles more than it needs her in L.A. carrying Nick Viall’s groceries. Well, we are all one step closer to making that happen. Corinne told E! News that she is “most likely” going to Paradise, adding she’s “still not sure yet.” Now, I think we all know that Corinne is absolutely a yes for BIP, she’s just playing this whole thing out for as long as she can. Why? To get attention aka Corinne’s oxygen. Without it, she would suffocate and die, and that would be a horrible day, not only for Bachelor Nation, but for the world.
“Most likely, yes. So not 100 percent locked in yet,” were her exact words, which incidentally is what I say every Saturday night to my friends/myself/my dignity when asked if I’m going to go over to fuck see that guy I’ve been bitching about all week. So yeah, you can bet we’ll be seeing her this season.
Meanwhile, Raven is out here like:
That’s what we in the biz call a “Mexican Thirst Trap.”
Just to catch you up on what Corinne (and, by extension, Raquel) have been up to ever since she straddled Nick in a bounce house and changed all of our lives, girl has been hustling. First, she’s launching her own clothing line called Team Corn which features tanks and tees with sayings like “Okay, but first cheese pasta” and “Dude I need sushi” and, of course, “Platinum Vagine.” I’d make fun of it if I wasn’t low-key already on her website buying two of every color.
In addition to the Team Corn T-shirt line, Corinne is looking to expand her empire into swim and activewear, as well as starting her own podcast, where she’ll presumably talk mad shit on other Bachelor contestants (Taylor) and give advice on how to treat your adult nanny. Corinne is also in a kind-of relationship, though she won’t say with who (is it Chad?). All she’s told us is that he lives in L.A. (seriously, Chad?), they’ve been “vibing really nicely,” (please, let it be Chad) and she’s known him for “a really long time.” Honestly, as long as he’s not also dating 25 other women, it’s a step up from her last relationship. And seriously, if this “special someone” is what keeps Corinne from going to Mexico, then not only is he selfish, but he is keeping her from America in a time where we need her most.
Make America Corinne Again, fam!
Immediately after watching Nick and Vanessa scream at each other off into the sunset, Chris Harrison invites us back to The Bachelor-verse to find out more about exactly how much they have screamed at each other since that day, and to see how Raven and her plastic surgery are doing after being rejected in Finland.
After The Final Rose is generally boring AF, and given that this season of The Bachelor was also boring, Chris Harrison is working hard to get people to stick around, constantly alluding to something “historic” that is going to happen. And even though we all should be able to recognize Chris Harrison’s tricks by now, it works and we all stick around to hear about all the fights Nick and Vanessa have been having and whether or not she’s gonna move to the U.S.
RAVEN
If you, like me, were expecting a Raven post-show makeover, you are mistaken. Raven looks exactly the fucking same (minus a possible casual nose job). She doesn’t even have a new I-Just-Got-Dumped-On-National-Television lob or highlights or anything. Kind of disappointing TBH. Raven would look great with a lob.
Chris: So, why didn’t you like, cry and shit when you got dumped?
Raven: Cry? Lol who am I, Nick? Also I’m going to fucking Paradise now so bye bye Hoxie see you never.
So like, Raven gets to go drink Champagne in Mexico on Orgasm Island and Vanessa gets to…spend her life with Nick Viall. Who is the real winner here?
Vanessa
Then Vanessa comes back and, surprise surprise, four weeks have passed and she’s still annoying.
Chris: We expected there would be some knock-down-drag-out fights between the two of you, have those moments happened?
Vanessa: Every day.
They have apparently not spent much time together between the fact that they’re not allowed to be seen together and they live in different countries, which is why the whole “engagement” thing is pretty tentative right now.
Like, is Vanessa wearing the big-ass ring Nick got her? Duh. But have they like, set a date or invited anyone or really done anything that would signal a wedding will be happening? Nah.
Chris: So you guys haven’t set a date or anything?
Vanessa: Omg no we’re gonna break up as soon as this shoot is over.
Vanessa does reveal that she is leaning toward moving to the U.S. rather than having Nick move to Canada, because who wants free healthcare and a competent leader when you can have….Dancing With The Stars?
Rachel
Finally, Nick and Vanessa get their annoying asses out of the way so we can get to Rachel, who is continuing this season’s Bachelor post-show trend of wearing a fly AF jumpsuit. So what is this big, “historic,” surprise Chris Harrison keeps talking about?
Chris: Are you excited to start your season of The Bachelorette?
Rachel: Well I—
Chris: CUZ IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Much to Rachel’s surprise, her journey to love has already begun, and we all get a sneak peek at the season as she meets four of the corniest dudes I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. Like, seriously, Rachel is a gorgeous lawyer with a fly AF penguin onesie and these clowns are the best the show can do?
So, here are the men in order:
First, Demario, who seemed okay until he had a ring and tickets for them to go to Vegas already prepared. Like, I guess it’s good to know that this dude has enough money to buy two very expensive items that he has a 1/30 chance of actually using, but the whole thing just seemed…extra.
Next we meet Blake—or maybe Blaine? Idk—who looks awkward AF and solidifies that impression by immediately telling Rachel that she “smells good” and telling her that he “wasn’t planning on this” which is an obvious lie. Like…did you just happen to be at the Bachelor studio in a suit when all this was going down? Don’t you have to submit like five applications and a video just to be considered for this show?
Blake then ends his cringeworthy encounter with a horrible side-hug that screams “I’m going to be eliminated week one.”
Enter, Dean who has 30 seconds to let America and Rachel know two things: 1) he is good looking and 2) he is aware that Rachel is black. We knew there was going to be at least one.
Dean: I’m ready to go black, and never go back.
Rachel : Hahahahaha that’s so funny I love that.
Rachel : Dean must be destroyed.
Then, finally, we meet Eric, who uses his time to lay down the following riddle:
Eric: I’m from Baltimore. You’re from Texas. But we’re here right now. I’m happy to be here. It’s a miracle season. What am I?
Rachel: I loved what you just said.
Then the two of them do a little dance as if to say, “Nick’s season is over and it’s time for Rachel! Praise Jesus!”
And like that, the most boring season of The Bachelor ended just as quickly as Nick Viall’s post-Dancing With The Stars career. It’s so sad. Almost.
RAVEN MEETS THE FAM
We begin the episode with Raven, who has no idea that despite the fact that the other woman in the equation has spent literally every second of every one of her dates fighting with Nick, she is not the frontrunner and the entire audience knows it.
Raven: I think Nick really likes me! This is going well.
Narrator/The Universe: It was not, in fact, going well.
Raven gets to meet Nick’s family for the second time, and does all the things one normally does when meeting someone’s family on a reality dating show. She toasts “to family” and tells everybody who can listen that she’s in love with Nick.
Raven: I feel really great about mine and Nick’s relationship. I am in love with him. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.
Nick’s Dad: How do you think Nick feels?
Raven: ……………..
Most importantly, she gets in good with Nick’s little sister Bella, who will now learn the hard way that nobody gives a fuck what a 12-year-old girl has to say about anything.
Nick’s Mom: After meeting Raven, she just seems like such an honest, true person. I just can’t imagine her hurting anybody.
Me, Three Champagnes Deep: Lol yeah except that dude she stabbed with a shoe.
VANESSA MEETS THE FAM
Then Raven fucks off pretty fast so that the audience can be treated to 30 full minutes of Vanessa’s bullshit as she meets Nick’s family and somehow manages to turn a delightful dinner into a full-on Viall family cry-fest, so at least we finally understand why Nick cries so fucking much. It’s a genetic thing.
Vanessa starts out strong by telling Nick’s family about the time that she puked on him, which she is able to Kellyanne Conway-style spin into a beautiful love story.
Vanessa: And then, I vomited on him.
Nick’s Dad: Wow, I’m crying.
Nick’s Mom: I am also crying.
Nick: I have been crying for three weeks straight.
Bella: Where is Raven?
Vanessa, who has repeatedly said she’s never watched a full season of The Bachelor, then reveals to each parent that she’s not sure if she wants to get engaged and give up her weekly Sunday spaghetti festival with the fam, which would be cool if “getting engaged” wasn’t kind of the entire fucking point of the show. Like, did Vanessa not know that she lived in Canada before applying to be on The Bachelor? She seems to be genuinely confused about the whole immigrating to the U.S. thing. Though, in her defense, that whole process is a bit more complicated these days.
Also, did anybody else know that Nick and his dad have the same crying face? Because they totally do.
NICK & VANESSA’S DATE
We then segue right into Nick and Vanessa’s date, where Nick manages to do the impossible yet again: pick a date that’s somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one (which, if you’ll recall, was the Ice Bucket Challenge). Because after a segment of Vanessa and Nick crying, the audience was obviously hungry for more.
And by “more,” of course, I mean “Santa,” because that’s what Nick and Vanessa’s date is. Meeting Santa.
Why Santa? Why now? Why does this Santa live in such a tiny house with no reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Clause to be found? Why does this Santa have such a deep, sultry voice? Why is Vanessa sitting so close to Santa? She’s kind of all over him? Now she’s all over Nick? Are Nick and Vanessa going to have a 3-way with this Santa? Is Nick going to CHOOSE SANTA?!?
Sadly, none of these questions are answered—I maintain that the three of them did hookup off camera—but the Santa does bestow upon them his blessing and the gift of a wood carving.
Santa: Here is a wood carving. It says “Niko and Venla” and it will bring you happiness and fertility.
Vanessa: Umm…I specifically asked you for an iPhone?
NICK & RAVEN’S DATE
Okay, thank God, Raven is back. And oh look, they’re going on a normal date for normal individuals, aka ice skating. A little bit high school but, hey, at least there isn’t a random sexually charged Santa involved. Also, given the amount of snow and ice everywhere, both of them need at least three more layers, a hundred scarves, and to zip their fucking coats up. The mom in me was losing my shit watching these two slowly develop pneumonia.
Raven and Nick have what looks to be a legitimately fun time ice skating. Nobody cries. Not even Raven when Nick tries to recreate their mud makeout sesh by plopping her ass down on the cold AF ice and attacking her face.
Sidebar to Raven: In the future, you can totally tell dudes you don’t want to make out on top of a pile of ice. You are a strong 25-year-old woman who has had (maybe) one orgasm in her life and you deserve to make out at a reasonable temperature. #Feminism.
Nick then does something that literally every girl has dreamed of seeing on a date and reveals that there have been puppies here the whole time. Why Raven didn’t just take the puppies and bolt at that moment I’ll seriously never know, but instead she spends her final moments letting Nick know that she, unlike Vanessa, is a U.S. citizen with no outstanding Sunday commitments and is totally DTGE—Down To Get Engaged.
THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
As soon as we see the end of Raven’s sparkly-ass I-think-I’m-at-the-Met-gala dress coming out of the limo, all our suspicions are confirmed: Nick is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and for that reason he has chosen a life of fighting with Vanessa over an eternity with Raven in (possibly faked) orgasmic bliss.
Raven handles her rejection like a boss, doing something that very few Bachelor contestants have ever managed to do and just shutting the fuck up for the entirety of her rejection. Unlike her now-ex boyfriend, Raven doesn’t even fucking cry. She just stares at him with a look that says “I would beat the shit out of you with my stiletto if there weren’t so many cameras on me rn.”
Then Nick shoves Raven into a limo without her coat, so that she can get her cold ass out of Finland and start getting ready for BiP where she belongs.
Cue Vanessa, who also opted for sparkles paired with a fur coat. Wonder if she’ll get to keep hers.
Vanessa arrives and tells Nick how, despite her thinking he’d “never notice her,” he actually “noticed every part” of her, which I consider a confirmation of the whole Santa-threeway theory.
Nick finally proposes to Vanessa who, after a very long and drawn-out voice over where she describes not wanting to accept Nick’s proposal if he’s “only doing it to put a ring on her finger”, immediately accepts his proposal and allows him to put a ring on her finger.
So what is the lesson that we learned here, betches? It is totally okay to be annoying AF and constantly pick fights with your boyfriend, you can even throw up in his face on your first date, just so long as you back that shit up by looking amazing in a high-cut blue onepiece. How fucking sweet.
Continue on to our After The Final Rose recap here!
Let’s face it, this season of The Bachelor has been one shit storm after another. We knew we were in for a rough fucking ride when they announced Nick Viall as the next Bachelor instead of mattel factory-made Ken Doll American hero, Luke Pell. But we didn’t know how rough it would be until we got a look at the female contestants. Gone are the barrel curls, the glossed lips, and the smoky eyes we knew and loved. Instead replaced with looks that are up there with Lindsay Lohan, pre-Plastics makeover. RIP.
We’ve already established that none of these bitches have their shit together beauty-wise so I can only imagine how much of a shit show the finale will be. But for your sake I will imagine, so buckle up boys and girls, it’s gonna be a rough one.
Here’s what we can expect:
RAVEN
Real talk, on a scale of one to Trump Cheeto, how tan orange do we think Raven will be for the finale? It’s like the farther we get from tropical locals the more Banana Boat self-tanner she feels the need to wear. She hasn’t done anything completely batshit with her hair and makeup this season so I’m sure she’ll look fine on that front but I swear to god if she shows up in another high neck, so-vintage-it’s-practically-Pilgrim dress I will lose my goddamn mind. The one thing I do feel confident in is that Raven will come armed with a stiletto to beat the shit out of Nick with should he fail to give her an orgasm in the fantasy suite. No pressure, Nick.
VANESSA
Vanessa will show up with a significant amount of side eye and wearing the blood of her enemies in the form of a bold red lip. Her boobs will 100% be out in whatever heinous dress she picked up from the Canadian outlet stores. It’s a bold move Cotton, but because we know Nick is a scumbag who can’t resist staring shamelessly at women’s chests, it could just get her the final rose.
RACHEL
If Rachel’s still not eliminated yet she’ll wear her hair in some sort of sophisticated wave to show that she’s way too good for Nick and this show. It’s hard to speculate on outfit choices because this girl is legit all over the place. Some days she looks like she bought her outfit in the clearance section of Wet Seal and other days she looks chic as hell.
Jesus. Seriously, Rachel, you better step up your game if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette. Don’t make me write a strongly worded letter to the producers about how I feel personally victimized by those mustard colored shorts.
NICK
Nick, aka the poor man’s Ryan Reynolds and the least sexy person on the show, will undoubtedly be wearing his signature look: tears and a sexless turtleneck. I’m sure of it.
Brb I’m gonna start drinking now to pregame for this shit show. Shots every time Nick cries or Vanessa thinks she’s better than this show. You forget we’ve seen your IMBD page girl, we know you’re not.
