Let’s face it, this season of The Bachelor has been one shit storm after another. We knew we were in for a rough fucking ride when they announced Nick Viall as the next Bachelor instead of mattel factory-made Ken Doll American hero, Luke Pell. But we didn’t know how rough it would be until we got a look at the female contestants. Gone are the barrel curls, the glossed lips, and the smoky eyes we knew and loved. Instead replaced with looks that are up there with Lindsay Lohan, pre-Plastics makeover. RIP.
We’ve already established that none of these bitches have their shit together beauty-wise so I can only imagine how much of a shit show the finale will be. But for your sake I will imagine, so buckle up boys and girls, it’s gonna be a rough one.
Here’s what we can expect:
Real talk, on a scale of one to
Trump Cheeto, how tan orange do we think Raven will be for the finale? It’s like the farther we get from tropical locals the more Banana Boat self-tanner she feels the need to wear. She hasn’t done anything completely batshit with her hair and makeup this season so I’m sure she’ll look fine on that front but I swear to god if she shows up in another high neck, so-vintage-it’s-practically-Pilgrim dress I will lose my goddamn mind. The one thing I do feel confident in is that Raven will come armed with a stiletto to beat the shit out of Nick with should he fail to give her an orgasm in the fantasy suite. No pressure, Nick.
Vanessa will show up with a significant amount of side eye and wearing the blood of her enemies in the form of a bold red lip. Her boobs will 100% be out in whatever heinous dress she picked up from the Canadian outlet stores. It’s a bold move Cotton, but because we know Nick is a scumbag who can’t resist staring shamelessly at women’s chests, it could just get her the final rose.
If Rachel’s still not eliminated yet she’ll wear her hair in some sort of sophisticated wave to show that she’s way too good for Nick and this show. It’s hard to speculate on outfit choices because this girl is legit all over the place. Some days she looks like she bought her outfit in the clearance section of Wet Seal and other days she looks chic as hell.
Jesus. Seriously, Rachel, you better step up your game if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette. Don’t make me write a strongly worded letter to the producers about how I feel personally victimized by those mustard colored shorts.
Nick, aka the poor man’s Ryan Reynolds and the least sexy person on the show, will undoubtedly be wearing his signature look: tears and a sexless turtleneck. I’m sure of it.
Brb I’m gonna start drinking now to pregame for this shit show. Shots every time Nick cries or Vanessa thinks she’s better than this show. You forget we’ve seen your IMBD page girl, we know you’re not.