At the risk of sounding like a jaded, overly-nostalgic millennial, I’d like to share this hot take with you: fall was better when the only pumpkin-themed things we lost our shit over were Pillsbury’s Ready to Bake sugar cookies with a jack-o-lantern design. In the last few years, we’ve gone from being a society that spent a little too much money on the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte to a full-fledged cult that will go primal over anything that is even vaguely marketed as fall-adjacent. If you’ve recently started to feel suffocated by the volume of pumpkin things available for purchase at every retail store in the country, I’m going to do you a favor and narrow it down for you. Here’s which completely unnecessarily pumpkin flavored (or scented) thing you should purchase, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries: Pumpkin Spice Scented Build-A-Bear
As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries is both aggressive and childish, which means you’re always the first friend to suggest pickleback shots for the table at a nice sit-down dinner. This insane pumpkin spice scented (yes, scented) Build-A-Bear is right up your alley, because there’s truly nothing quite as on-brand for you as buying a scented plush toy and insisting that it’s innovative.
Taurus: An Absurdly Sized Vat of Pumpkin Body Wash
Picture this: you’re walking down the extremely cursed beauty aisle of TJ Maxx (I say this because I saw Rae Dunn nail wraps there last week), when you set your sights on a 32 ounce bottle of pumpkin scented body wash. Your roommate politely suggests that you’ll never use it all up before the end of November, and you literally sprout bull horns from the corners of your forehead. By the time you get to the cash register, your conscience is whispering, “maybe this is a stupid purchase,” but ultimately, your stubborn Taurus sun wins again.
Gemini: Pumpkin Spice Vodka
There is no delicate way to say this, so I do apologize, but Gemini… you are balls to the wall unhinged. Only you could let a trip to the liquor store for a semi-nice bottle of wine to pair with dinner go so far left that you end up walking out with a bottle of pumpkin Pinnacle under your arm instead.
Cancer: Pumpkin Face Mask
Oh, you sensitive, crabby little homebody. As the CEO of bailing on plans, there’s no better way for you to enjoy an autumnal scent than to slather a gooey pumpkin face mask all over your head while you watch Hocus Pocus for the 90th time this month.
Leo: Pumpkin Spice Deodorant
They sell pumpkin spice deodorant? Who the hell would buy that? Oh, right. A Leo, otherwise known as the only sign with enough self-confidence to invite a stranger to sniff their pits when asked, “Wow! What smells like pumpkin?!”
Virgo: Pumpkin Spice Dish Soap
Check in on your Virgo friends. In pursuit of a fall-themed impulse purchase that would make them feel joy, they ended up going the sensible route once again and getting pumpkin dish soap at Williams Sonoma, the second most adult store left standing in the mall, besides the place that sells geriatric sneakers.
Libra: Pumpkin Spice Latte Nail Polish Set
Nothing screams “I’m a Libra!” quite like a manicure that not only matches a seasonal aesthetic, but also requires approximately zero firm decisions to be made. No one can tell me that this trend of painting every nail a different color was not created by an indecisive Libra who just slapped the four most fall colors on their nails and successfully angled it as an intentional look.
Scorpio: Pumpkin Flavored Condoms That Don’t Even Exist
Remember when the internet thought that
— Emergent (@EmergentDotInfo) February 20, 2015
pumpkin flavored condoms were a thing? ‘Twas a cursed, yet unsurprising, day in history. An intense Scorpio would totally tell people they have pumpkin flavored condoms like, six whole years after that whole debacle, because they love to have weird inside jokes with themselves while the rest of us try to figure out even a shred of information about who they really are.
Sagittarius: Pumpkin Toaster Pop
Sagittarians are always on the go, which means it’s next to impossible to see a snack labeled as individually packaged and go on with their lives. Pumpkin pie toaster pastries are exactly the kind of thing you’ll buy on a whim during a Target blackout, only to shove in your purse and never eat because you’ll realize that actually sounds disgusting as soon as you come to. Have fun picking those sticky crumbs out of the corner of your bag in three months when the packaging inevitably rips.
Capricorn: Pumpkin Spice Hummus
Capricorns love to act like they’re so organized and disciplined, as if they’re absolved from all of the questionable things they do because they wrote them down in a planner first. Just because you’ve decided that you’re not like the other girls blowing paychecks on pumpkin stuff at Trader Joe’s that they’ll throw away as soon as they taste it doesn’t mean that the pumpkin spice hummus you impulsively tossed into your cart is actually a “healthy” purchase.
Aquarius: An Apple Cinnamon Candle in a Pumpkin Jar
Aquarians will turn anything into a conspiracy theory, even something as cut and dry as America’s obsession with pumpkin flavored things. If anyone catches one of these weirdos burning an apple-scented candle that comes in a jar shaped like a pumpkin, do yourself a favor and don’t ask them about it. Unless, of course, you want to spend 15 minutes hearing some ridiculous tale about why the government’s trying to control us via pumpkin spice fumes, and the only way to stay woke is to enjoy fall through less-popular, but obviously superior, apple scented things, instead.
Pisces: Pumpkin Spice Eyeshadow Palette
Is your Pisces friend 30 minutes late to the cider tasting your friend group has planned at a nearby apple orchard? I’ll bet you $10 it’s because they’re at home watching YouTube tutorials, trying to create the perfect autumnal makeup look with a Too Faced Pumpkin Spice Palette in the name of their own “art.”
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When our Instagram feeds are flooded with images of apple picking and cable knit sweaters, it can only mean one thing: pumpkin spice season is upon us. Every year, like a “u up?” text at 2am, people from all over put on their UGGs and flock to the nearest Starbucks in search of the coveted pumpkin spice latte. But why? Why is it that we have this undeniable need to have pumpkin spice coursing through our veins? Where did this obsession come from? What is driving our addiction to all things pumpkin spice? Well as it turns out, there are scientific reasons why you can’t get enough of this fall favorite.
Reminder that Fall is coming so make sure you have a pumpkin spice product in your car at all times because cops are cracking down this year
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 30, 2016
Available for a limited time only: six words that can have us ready to shove our grandma out of the way in order to get to a small reserve of goods. Are we just insanely greedy, or can we blame science for this? According to psychologist Jack Brehm, we are hard-wired to crave things that are not always available. Through Brehm’s discovery of reactance theory (where, when people feel restricted, they feel a strong need to gain back their freedom) he finds that when we are told we can no longer do/have something, we then infinitely want do it/have it more. In layman’s terms, we want what we can’t have. In one of Brehm’s most notable studies, he asked participants to rank three records that they would like to have, Brehm then informed them that their third option was no longer available, and ask them to rank their top three choices again. What he found was that people then ranked their original third choice first, simply because it was no longer available, and thus more attractive to them.
It’s the same in relationships, like the art of playing hard to get, or only wanting the guy you keep on the backburner strictly for attention when he’s seeing someone else. You never give the guy you friend-zoned a romantic thought—that is, until he starts dating someone else and then he instantly becomes Brad Pitt in your eyes. Now that they are no longer available you will stop at nothing to get them back, running through airport security to stop them at the gate and ask them to split a PSL with you while you ride off into the sunset. I digress, but you get the idea. If you’re told you can’t have something, that only makes you want it more. I wonder if advertising firms have caught on to this yet?
Pumpkin spice season only comes around once a year, meaning for the rest of the year we won’t be able to have it, no matter how much we want it. As Brehm has taught us, we as a result want goods, like pumpkin spice lattes, more because we’re told that soon we can’t have it at all. This dared me to ask the question: Do I even like pumpkin spice or do I just want it because I can’t have it? In my case, turns out it’s a little bit of both.
Ahhh, the scent of the holidays, inhaling the jolly wonders of pumpkin spice and everything nice. In a 2017 interview with CNN, the assistant professor of psychology and director of the neurostudies minor at Longwood University in Virginia, Catherine Franssen, says that sugar and spice combinations can evoke happiness and flood our senses with blissful childhood memories, like holiday traditions—or, in my experience, making out with your high school boyfriend in his car underneath the pumpkin spice air freshener, which is also technically a holiday tradition. Don’t judge. Franssen also tells CNN that we relate the smell of pumpkin spice to happy times because we encounter this spice blend early in life, like baking pies at grandma’s house or whatever.
So while we’re busy feeling all warm and fuzzy, we become completely oblivious to the fact that pumpkin spice has manipulated us into feeling happy. How rude, right? Not only that, but Franssen also writes in her 2015 article for the Huffington Post that smell can account for up to 80% of flavor, so that because we are enamored with the scent, we then in turn enjoy the food or drink even more.
Sugar Addiction Is Real
betches on TikTok
betches(@betches) has created a short video on TikTok with music Thisisnotmysound. it’s pumpkin SZN #foryoupage #fyp
This may come a shock to you, but sugar is highly addictive, and occasionally Starbucks drinks with names longer than a royal title can be packed full of sugar. Sorry to have to horrify you with the calorie count of a PSL, but a grande pumpkin spice latte with whipped cream at Starbucks contains 380 calories and 50 grams of sugar, while a tall size still has 300 calories with 39 grams of sugar. With stats like that, you might want to rethink your morning pick-me-up, or at least not make it a daily occurrence, because consuming mass amounts of sugar can leave you wanting more mass amounts of sugar. As cited by scholars, Serge H. Ahmed, Karine Guillem, and Youna Vandaele in their academic review, Sugar Addiction: Pushing The Drug-Sugar Analogy To The Limit, sugar has been alluded to be just as addictive as another white powdery substance that can also fill you with bursts of energy. Cocaine, I’m talking about cocaine.
As Catherine Franssen continues on with CNN she relays that, combining the enticing scent with copious amounts of sugar, especially when you’re hungry, can lead to a subconscious association of feeling totally satisfied. Through this process, you have now successfully tricked your nervous system into craving pumpkin spice, and that without it you may very well spiral into a state of unwavering despair. That may sound a bit dramatic, but honestly if you have ever been denied a pumpkin spiced muffin or latte, you know the feeling, and have most likely broken down into tears in the middle of a crowded Starbucks. No? Just wait, it will happen to you too.
Pumpkin Spice And Everything Nice
Okay, now what have we learned? Pumpkin spice products contain insane amounts of sugar, it can remind us of joyous times in our lives, and thus leaves us craving it because we can’t always have it. So thank you science for giving us valid reasons behind our unsettling obsession to the effects of pumpkin spice.
Since it only happens once a year, we can agree to call it a healthy obsession, right? Also, if you have been taking a drink every time I’ve said the words pumpkin spice, I’m seriously impressed, and you should also probably go get your stomach pumped now.
Images: Soeka / Shutterstock.com; RodLacroix, betchesluvthis / Twitter; Giphy
Sponsored by Dunkin’
It’s finally fall, which means that the leaves are turning brown, you can finally wear your favorite sweater, and it’s the time of year for all-pumpkin-everything. But when some people get into the pumpkin spirit, they don’t know where to stop. Going to Dunkin’ for a Cinnamon Sugar Pumpkin Signature Latte and Pumpkin Donut? Excellent. Showering with pumpkin spice shampoo? You need to calm down. Here are five times that people went way too far with the pumpkin craze.
Sometimes there’s nothing better than a good stick of gum. If you have a bad taste in your mouth, or just need to freshen up your breath, minty gum always comes to the rescue. I said MINTY gum. I really can’t imagine cleansing my palette with pumpkin spice, but someone thought it was a good idea. I’m all for brands trying new things, but this just ain’t it.
Ramen is delicious, and there are so many different variations on the classic noodles and broth. Maruchan, the brand that makes the classic ramen packets, has a recipe on their site for Pumpkin Ramen Soup, and I’m upset. Along with all the ingredients you would expect to go into a delicious soup, they just plop in a bunch of pumpkin puree. I don’t know, I just have some questions. This could be delicious, but I probably won’t be trying it any time soon.
Okay, so I’ll clarify that I’m not sure if this smells like pumpkin, or if it’s just a sneaky ingredient, but I’m skeptical either way. Argan oil is a tried and true ingredient in hair products, but I don’t love the idea of rubbing pumpkin goo all over my head. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ll stick with my normal shampoo.
Natural deodorants made without harmful ingredients have been gaining popularity, which is great. But some of the scents that these companies are coming out with are really wild. Native Deodorant has some creative scents like Candy Cane and Lemon Cake, but Pumpkin Spice Latte is a hard no for me. Their site says it has notes of “pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove,” which is great, if you want your armpits to smell like a warm pumpkin pie. I’ll pass.
I love Pringles. Pringles are delicious. They’re salty and amazing, and there are several flavors that I’m deeply into. Regular. Sour cream and onion. Throw a BBQ my way. I’ll even take Pizza! But never have I ever thought that Pumpkin Pie Spice would make a good flavor of chips. It just shouldn’t be a thing. These don’t appear to be in production anymore, and I can see why.
Obviously, feel free to express your inner fall betch however you see fit, but not all pumpkin products are created equal. Dunkin’ can make basically any coffee drink pumpkin-flavored, whether you like a hot latte or choose iced coffee 24/7/365. And if you want something a little different to go with your pumpkin drink, Dunkin’ also has Pumpkin donuts, muffins, and MUNCHKINS ® Donut Hole Treats. Um, sign me up. Turns out, there’s totally a right way to celebrate the fall, and it’s all about Dunkin’.
Images: Unsplash; Amazon (2); Maruchan; Target; Native
No matter how un-basic you swear you are, odds are you have a sweet spot for that moment PSLs get added back to the Starbucks menu. And while the nutmeg- and cinnamon-infused drinks are obviously one of the major highlights of the season, a grande pumpkin spice latte with whole milk and whipped cream from Starbucks tacks on around 420 calories to your day. So if you want to fit into your skimpy Halloween costume, or you’re simply conscious of your daily calorie intake/want to keep your blood sugar at a normal level, then you probably shouldn’t replace your daily coffee with the seasonal latte. Sorry.
But if you can’t help but give in to your obsession with all things pumpkin-flavored, I’ve rounded up a list of pumpkin spice food and drinks that are way fewer calories than pumpkin spice lattes.
1. Bulletproof Pumpkin Spice Collagen Protein Bar
If you’re looking for a protein bar that fills you up while also incorporating the benefits of collagen, then Bulletproof’s Pumpkin Spice Collagen Protein Bar should be your new go-to. The bar has a similar texture to that of a cookie versus the sticky, hard textures of other protein bars, so you can trick yourself into thinking you’re actually having a pumpkin cookie but for fewer calories, as the bar is only 220 calories. With 12 grams of protein, it’ll keep you fuller longer than a cookie would, so it’s a win-win.
2. Simply Balanced Pumpkin Pie Low-Fat Greek Yogurt
Simply Balanced’s Pumpkin Pie Greek Yogurt is not only low-fat, but it also tastes like actual pumpkin pie which takes the intense bitterness away from the greek yogurt. At 130 calories, it’s about one-third of the number of calories in a PSL. And you can totally have this at 9am without being judged.
3. Archer Farms Pumpkin Spice Pretzels
If you need a crunchy snack but are craving a pumpkin spice flavor, Archer Farms’ pretzels are the perfect combo of salty and spiced. Lightly coated in a pumpkin spice, this treat will only add 200 calories (per serving) to your day.
4. Quest Bar Pumpkin Pie Bars
If you want to satisfy your PSL cravings but are also in need of a high-protein snack, then Quest Bar’s Pumpkin Pie bar is the way to go. It tastes like legit pumpkin pie, has chunks of pie crust, and fills you up with 12 grams of protein.
5. RXBAR Pumpkin Spice Bars
RXBARs bring you all of the protein without any of the artificial ingredients other protein bars have. The pumpkin spice bar combines egg whites, dates, almonds, cashews, cinnamon, cloves, and pumpkin all blended together to remind you of Thanksgiving night—minus your drunk uncle and overdosing on mashed potatoes.
6. Pumpkin Spice Cheerios
If you can’t start your crisp fall day without the taste of pumpkin spice, you can pour yourself a bowl of whole grain pumpkin spice Cheerios. Let your first meal of the day be free of gluten and the PSL sugar coma.
7. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Flavored Ground Coffee
Just because you shouldn’t have a PSL every day doesn’t mean you can’t have a pumpkin spice coffee every day. Starbucks’ pumpkin spice flavored ground coffee can easily replace the PSL. Bring the flavor home with you for only around five calories per a cup of black pumpkin spice coffee.
8. Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Pumpkin Spice
If you need creamer in your coffee (and life), Coffee-Mate’s Sugar-Free Pumpkin Spice Creamer adds the cinnamon-nutmeg flavor to your morning coffee for only 15 calories and zero grams of sugar.
9. Halo Top Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream
Unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably heard about the phenomenon that is Halo Top ice cream. And just when you thought the low-calorie ice cream couldn’t get any better (or more basic), they dropped a pumpkin pie flavor. At 360 calories per pint, you can eat the whole thing while you’re binge-watching Netflix Halloween specials without feeling guilty.
10. Organic Protein Plant Based Protein Powder Pumpkin Spice, $19.99
We couldn’t have a list of healthy, low-calorie alternatives to the PSL without including a pumpkin spice protein powder. The perfect post-gym snack to make up for your lack of PSL, Orgain’s pumpkin spice powder has 21 grams of protein per serving. So you’ll stay full and won’t feel compelled to grab a pumpkin-flavored donut later in the day.
Images: Giphy (1); Bulletproof; Simply Balanced/Target; Archer Farms/Target; Quest Bar/The Vitamine Shoppe; RXBAR; Cheerios; Starbucks/Target; Coffee-Mate/Amazon; Halo Top/Target; Orgain/Lucky Vitamin
If one of your favorite parts of fall isn’t fall-scented candles that make your home smell like a giant spiced pumpkin, then I’m going to go ahead and assume that you have no soul. To me, there’s nothing better than an autumn Sunday spent hungover on the couch watching football and ordering UberEats as fall scented candles light up my apartment. It makes me feel better about all of the fall-related festivities I’m missing out on in the outside world.
These days, however, all of the fall scented candles begin to hit stores while we’re still in the dog days of summer. And they’re a lot more complex than the OG pumpkin scented blocks of wax. Your favorite candle brands have started developing aromas that combine literally every possible component of fall that we all know and love. Insert here: fragrances dubbed “Sweater Weather”, “Pumpkin Pecan Waffles”, and “Bonfire S’mores”. Regardless of what your favorite parts of the autumn months are, odds are that there is a candle to satisfy your needs.
Keep reading for the best fall-scented candles that you can get your basic little hands on this year.
1. Yankee Candle Pear & Tea Leaf
At first whiff, Yankee Candle’s Pear & Tea Leaf smells like a combination of apples and pears that transforms into a sweet vanilla scent. The incredibly powerful aroma lasts for up to an astonishing 38 hours. While I’m not great at math, this should last you quite a few hungover Sunday snuggle sessions. My takeaway? This scent reminds me of sneaking sips of the sweet spiked apple cider that my mom used to brew up in a crockpot on chilly fall days.
2. Yankee Candle Harvest Walk
While I’ve never personally taken a harvest walk, smelling this candle reminded me of those glorious mornings you wake up super early for a football tailgate. The sun is shining and there is a crisp breeze in the air and you can just smell the bad decisions that are to come. What does that smell like, you ask? Sweet memories, that’s what.
JK, the sweetness you can smell from this candle is actually the top note of bergamot that fills up your space without being too overpowering. After the invigorating bergamot takes over, the next scent that you get from this candle is the base scent: sandalwood. It’s a rich, creamy scent that complements the sweet top note. Like Pear & Tea Leaf, Harvest Walk is part of Yankee Candle’s Elevation Collection so it comes with the brand’s Platform Lid that creates a sleek base for lighting up your home with your fave fall scents.
3. Hillhouse Naturals Pecan Praline
If you’re anything like me and baking (or cooking in general) is something that you can’t be trusted to do, then simply cop one of Hillhouse Naturals’ Pecan Praline candles. For just $19, you can trick people into thinking that you actually made that store-bought pie. This candle smells sweet and creamy like a caramelized pecan. Which is kind of perfect for if you’re looking to satisfy a sweet tooth without consuming all of the calories.
4. Hillhouse Naturals Farm Stand Pumpkin
Luckily, Hillhouse Naturals’ Farm Stand Pumpkin candle smells more like pumpkin spice then it does like a farm. The candle upgrades the typical sweet pumpkin scent by adding touches of fresh and natural notes of wood.
5. Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Peanut Brittle Candle
Odds are you’ve never tried (or heard of) pumpkin peanut brittle before. But if you were to try it, it would probably smell sweet and salty with a dash of spice. This powerful smelling candle combines two of the most important food groups: peanut butter and pumpkin. It reminds me of one of those fall street festivals that have food carts that sell things like fried Oreos, caramel apples, and obviously, peanut brittle.
6. Bath & Body Works The Perfect Autumn
What is the perfect autumn? It’s a time that smells like fresh cranberry, spiced pumpkin, crisp apple, and rich clove. The sweet yet spiced scent is rich. It lingers throughout your home so you can feel like you’re picking apples or pumpkins. Really, though, you’re sitting on your couch binge watching Netflix. Everyone’s favorite home soap and fragrance retailer guarantees that their three wick candles, it will last anywhere from 25-45 hours. That’s pretty good news for those that like to keep a candle lit at all times.
Images: Yankee Candles (2); Hillhouse Naturals (2); Bath & Body Works (2)
Fall is literally the best excuse to do anything. Drinking a 600 calorie pumpkin flavored coffee? Uh, it’s fall. Who cares? Eating Halloween candy even though you’re twentysomething years old and have no business slamming down mini Twix bars? ‘Tis the season. Blacking out at an apple cider tasting during a Sunday afternoon? It’s autumn. That’s practically a basic human right. Fall is seriously the best thing to blame all of your terrible decision making on. Here are a bunch of beauty products you can blow your rent money on in the sake of the betchiest season.
1. Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment
Not to be dramatic, but I have personally witnessed this lip product perform like, three different miracles. First of all, I received this as a sample and actually liked it enough to use it and then buy the full size. Anyone who has ever received a sample knows that this is rare AF. The second miracle is that this is a tube of lip treatment that I’ve actually reached the bottom of. Normally, Chapsticks and glosses get lost in the train wreck that is my daily life, but this thing somehow always makes it home with me at the end of a night, even if my debit card, ID, and dignity weren’t as lucky. And lastly, this is a tinted lip product that doesn’t make your lips look super crusty and creepy. It comes in some v fall-ish colors and even has SPF protection, so it’s totally perf for those autumn days when you’re sweating your ass off trying to get an Instagram in an apple orchard even though chilly weather isn’t even here yet.
2. Bobbi Brown Hydrating Eye Cream
Perhaps the biggest difference between summer and fall is that it’s more difficult to discretely disguise a hangover in the chillier months. You can’t necessarily fly under the radar with sunglasses on at brunch when it’s cloudy and cold in November. It’s probably time to start using a night eye cream so you look less like you’re on the verge of death next time you go too hard at happy hour.
3. LUSH Sparkly Pumpkin Bubble Bar
If Cinderella was written in 2017, turning into a pumpkin at midnight would never be considered a bad thing, because that’s clearly what we’re all trying to achieve these days. If anything, she would have turned into like, gluten or something. Anyway, this bubble bar is a glittery-ass pumpkin, which is probably enough reason for half of you to want to buy 100 of them. It will make your skin sparkle and smell like cinnamon, and you’ll probably get a pretty decent, albeit basic, Boomerang out of it. Win, win, win.
4. Kylie Cosmetics Autumn Lip Kit
Would a list of basic fall beauty products be complete without one of Kylie’s seasonal lip kits? Is the Pope Jewish? Is tequila on an empty stomach going to lead to a night filled with fond memories you’ll someday share with your future grandchildren? The answer to all of these questions, of course, is abso-fucking-lutely not. If you’ve ever tried Kylie’s matte lip kits, there’s a pretty solid chance you’ve ended up looking like you have dried food on your face, but that’s not the point. At most, they’re good for one selfie before the lipstick starts cracking and exposing the true shape of your lips. But like, this one comes in a cool new box, soo…
5. AG Hair Remedy Spray
Remember when you spent the entire summer drunk at the beach, not giving a shit that your hair was dripping salt water because you’re one of those people who thinks you’re “secretly a mermaid”? Well, sorry to ruin your life, but plot spoiler: you’re a human and all that sand, sun, and saltwater made your hair dry as shit. Fall is the season to apologize to your hair for the crap you put it through all summer long. This spray uses apple cider vinegar (which is fall AF) to restore your hair’s strength. Now, whoever you’re forcing to play with your hair through cuffing season won’t have to deal with your gross, tangled ends. You’re welcome.
It’s like, officially Fall today, so bring on the basic betch uniform consisting of NorthFace fleeces, Uggs, too many scarves, leggings, and the ever-present PSL. But because we literally deal with the onslaught of pumpkin everything every year, as soon as cool-ish weather hits, allow us to make a suggestion: Make a drink that’s totally autumnal WITHOUT the pumpkin flavoring.
Real talk—pumpkin is kind of a shitty flavor. It’s an odd, overly sized orange squash that people only associate with fall because a) there’s little, if any, actual produce this time of year (except you, apples), b) Halloween, and c) pumpkin pie—the only Thanksgiving dessert—is right around the corner. The issue we have here is that pumpkin on its own tastes like an old candle. It’s not sweet. It’s not really savory. It’s just kind of there. The addition of about eight cups of sugar, enough cinnamon to poison a small child, and other probs unnatural flavors make it palatable.
For these reasons, we give you a v alcoholic drink sans pumpkin anything. You’re welcome.
- 2 shots Rumchata
- 1 shot Caramel vodka
- Sea salt
- 2 tbsps caramel sauce—you can make your own OR just grab that Smuckers jar from the ice cream toppings aisle
Grab a martini glass and wet the rim with water. Dip into a plate of the sea salt, margarita style. Drizzle in your caramel sauce, so it sits in a happy puddle at the bottom of the glass.
Set aside. In a cocktail shaker, combine lots of ice with the Rumchata and vodka. Shake and strain into your salty martini glass. Chug that shit, and then go jump in a leaf pile. Or don’t and stay inside in sweatpants. Yay, Fall.
It’s officially September which means all the basic fall shit is upon us. And sure, it’s not technically fall until the 20th but tell that to Starbucks and this perfect weather. It’s fucking fall. And while there’s plenty of basic autumn, pumpkin-themed shit to go around, there’s nothing on this earth more basic than all the fall weddings you’re about to being going to. The colors, the brides themselves, the fucking leaves everywhere. It never ends. So to get you ready for fall wedding season, we’re telling you what each fall wedding trend says about you (or your friends so you can judge the shit out of their basic af wedding).
1. S’more Station
If you’re a s’more bride, you’re a pretty standard betch. You’re not overly cool but not too extra. In fact, you probably find yourself in the middle of the pack a lot. Not the prettiest of your squad, but not the DUFF either. Not the most successful person at work, but not a total loser. You’re exceptionally average at everything. After you’re married a few years, you’ll move to the suburbs and start popping out kids. Lucky for you, being the middle friend usually means you’re everyone’s favorite so you’ll still be able to have somewhat of a social life.
Oh look. The hipster bride. You know we had to fit you in here somewhere. You probably chose the fall to get hitched because of the warm aura of the colors and the good energy it will give your marriage. You quickly realized that despite the good vibes, fall brings a lot of basic options, which your fellow hipster friends would turn their beanie’d heads at. Enter sunflowers. They’re an autumn-y color but people don’t automatically think fall because sun equals summer. Fucking duh. When you’re not busy brewing your own kombucha, you work for a nonprofit and will eventually have one kid and name it something stupid and they get made fun of at school. Way to go.
3. Caramel Apples
If this is you, you’re weird af. Sorry. Someone had to tell you. Like the hipster bride, you’re trying hard not to be basic, but instead of pretty sunflowers, you picked something bizarre that no one likes. Eat a messy, sticky apple on a stick while trying to go home with the best man keep your lipstick and full face of contour intact? No fucking thanks. Once you get back from your honeymoon hiking the Grand Canyon, you’ll buy a tiny house and compost and other weird shit.
4. Pompoms From Your Alma Mater
Back in the day, you were def the BSCB of your group. Tbh, everyone at your wedding is surprised you’re getting married at all because in college the idea of one dick for the rest of your life would have sent you into depression-induced coma. You decided on pompoms because it’s your last-ditch effort to hold on to your happier, drunker college days. Same tho. You have a career in sales now because you can still get wasted all the time and make a lot of money. You and your husband are total bros and in a few years will be all your middle-aged friends’ favorite couple to host Bunco because they always get shitty when they’re at your place.
5. Pumpkin Spice Latte Bar
You’re as basic of a betch as they come. In college you were the pledge educator and loved taking care of your sorority babies and wearing all your Greek gear around campus. Every year, you post the exact same Instagram about your first PSL of the year, so it’s no surprise that when you decided on fall to get married that a pumpkin spice latte bar was a must. In your adult life, you’re a teacher or something else nice and innocent but not for long because you’re probs getting knocked up within a year of your wedding day and will be a stay-at-home mom.
6. Long-Sleeved Gown
If the only slightly fall-ish thing you do at your wedding is wear a weather-appropriate dress then you’re one of the few classic and sophisticated fall brides, a real rare find. In fact, you’re probably getting married in the fall because it made sense based on when you got engaged, not because you’re weirdly obsessed with the season. In college, you found yourself somewhere in the middle, not a total nice girl but not a BSCB either. Once you graduated, you got a good job, like a marketing exec or lawyer, and probs met your future spouse at a bar during office happy hour. You’ll wait a while to have kids because you don’t want to give up your lifestyle, but don’t worry. You won’t. By the time that comes, you’ll be able to afford at least two nannies.