It’s officially September, y’all!! Blacking out on a Wednesday will now be looked down upon even if it’s with spiked cider, so plan your weekly drinking habits wisely. There’s shitty weather in New York already and it’s too freezing for shorts by 6pm, which means we’re back to wearing big-ass shirts that we hope pass as dresses and wearing the same pair of leggings at least twice a week because we “forgot” to do laundry. In other words, it’s pumpkin season. Who the fuck waits until September 22nd anyway? A real betch knows fall begins when the PSL is officially added to the Starbucks menu, which looks like it happened this weekend because Starbucks lost their damn minds started an uncomfortably weird livestream of the “PSL Hatch.” In honor of basic bitch SZN and getting judgy looks when you ask the bartender for pumpkin beer, here are pumpkin-inspired beauty products because the limit for our obsession really does not exist. We are such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, AND I AM SO PROUD. As for the haters, you *will* bend the knee this fall.
Walking into work after Labor Day Weekend like:
1. Peter Thomas Roth Pumpkin Enzyme Mask Enzymatic Dermal Resurfacer
The obsession with pumpkin isn’t for nothing, because the key to having glowing youthful skin lies within this fruit. Wait, can we just take a sec to acknowledge pumpkin is a motherfucking fruit? Guys, my life is a lie. This is why I have trust issues. Excuse me while I attempt to accept this. Okay. I’ve accepted it. Moving on…This exfoliating mask is infused with pumpkin enzymes that brighten and soothe uneven complexions. It eliminates signs that we’re getting old af (bless) and it’s a deep cleanser for clogged pores, giving you hydrated, non-oily, glowing skin. How ‘bout that, pumpkin spice haters?
2. Atlantic Fizz Bath Bomb
Lush sucks because they don’t have their Halloween shit out yet (I know, how dare they not be a month ahead of the times), but never fear because where there’s me a will, there’s a way. Jersey-based company Atlantic Fizz offers handmade bath bombs made straight from the Atlantic Ocean (the same one that houses the infamous Jersey Shore in Ocean City). Assuming they stray far from waters where drunk Snooki’s and Ronnie’s may piss or vom in, relax and soak your bod with a pumpkin-scented fizzing ball.
3. Bath & Body Works Spiced Pumpkin Cider Shower Gel
Do you really prep for fall if you don’t buy one of everything from Bath & Body Works’ iconic fall collection? Didn’t think so. Treat yo’self with a basic bitch blend of pumpkin, cider, and cinnamon goodness to moisturize and cleanse with autumn’s most sacred elements. This gel also features pure honey, shea butter, and aloe so you don’t shrivel up and dry out like a dead leaf come October.
4. Ulta Pumpkin Spice Body Lotion
And then after you lather yourself with pumpkin spice and everything nice, next comes a must-have pumpkin spice lotion. It hydrates the driest of skin types with a shit ton of nourishing vitamins. Plus, this has a non-greasy formula so you def won’t feel like you’re rubbing oil all over yourself.
5. Etat Libre d’Orange Tilda Swinton Like This Eau de Parfum
I won’t really condone spritzing pumpkin seeds in your face because that’s just borderline psycho and we’re not that crazy, right? *Cue nervous laughter* For an elegant perfume that won’t make everyone choke on their own breath, you want a v simple scent that turns heads and makes everyone wonder WTF you’re wearing, but in a good way. Bring in the upcoming season with an autumn blend of subtle pumpkin, notes of spices sitting in your kitchen, and flirty floral fragrances. Tip: Since some of you def need a daily reminder, spray on your wrists, bottom of your throat, and ends of your hair. Any more than that and you’re sending someone to the hospital with an asthma attack.
6. SMASHBOX Always On Matte Liquid Lipstick – Out Loud
Kylie Cosmetics’ pumpkin lip kit is already sold out, so that’s when you know basic bitches around the fucking world are ready to jump into their Uggs. A burnt orange lip is honestly perf for fall since it’s a subtle color that you’re not risking looking ghostly or emo with. SMASHBOX obvs never disappoints so you can expect this 8-hour liquid matte to be nothing less. It’s super lightweight, smudge-proof, and keeps your lips looking full AF so you don’t have to apply lipstick like this (Seriously, stop):
7. Make Up For Ever Artist Shadow Eyeshadow And Powder Blush – Pumpkin
Real pumpkins have a fuck ton of orange pigments because it’s fucking orange, like duh, and honestly, if you eat enough of it, you eventually will radiate an orange-y glow. Don’t depend on them for a tanning alternative, though—keep that account open at your local salon. Speed up the process by wearing a long-lasting dark orange blush. It’s easy to apply and easily blends with your bronzer. It leaves a shimmer finish so honestly, you could probs do without the highlighter, too.
