Memorial Day Weekend has officially ended and, sadly enough, you’re probs still hungover. There’s nothing worse than heading back to work knowing that your next holiday from reality, Fourth of July, is over a month away. HOW WILL WE EVER MAKE IT TO THOSE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE JELL-O SHOTS?! Well, one idea to pass the time while at your hellhole 9-5 is with some online shopping. Look, Karen in accounting doesn’t believe for a second that you actually know what the fuck you’re doing on Excel. You might as well stop pretending and, instead, be productive by shopping all the online summer sales. Pro tip: Maybe even pick out something sweet for Karen! She’ll remember it next time you show up 20 mins late with a Skinny Caramel Macchiato in hand. 

Anyways, enough about Karen. Summer tends to be a slower month for retailers since everyone is either away on vacation or just outside doing warm-weather activities. You know, like, hiking and shit. Hard pass. It’s also the season that requires the least amount of clothing since it’s, like, hot af. This is good news for you, your wallet, and your Fourth of July wardrobe. Retailers start heavily marking down their spring/summer items during the months following Memorial Day in order to make space for their next big season: back-to-school. That being said, put this month’s paycheck to good use and take advantage of these amazing summer sales.

These are the clothing items that are worth buying during summer sales:

1. Denim Shorts

There’s nothing better than finally being able to wear shorts on the first barely-warm-enough day that it is socially acceptable to do so. Whether it’s because we’ve had a tough winter and gained a few, or are just over last summer’s short-shorts, it seems like we’re always in the market for a new pair of denim shorts. Post MDW, the shorts you were eyeing up at the beginning of spring will finally start getting marked down. TAKE ADVANTAGE. You’ll still have three plus months to wear them, so you’ll get immediate gratification from this purchase.

Show Me Your Mumu Cactus Hi Rise denim cutoff shorts ($118 $79.99)

2. Swimsuits

Most people will tell you to wait until August to buy swimwear. Most people are stupid. Swimsuits and swim accessories start getting marked down after MDW, particularly the styles that have been there since early spring. Don’t wait until August when the selection sucks and you have two weeks left to wear them. Start adding sale swimsuits to your cart now, and watch as the price continually drops over the next few weeks. Just don’t wait too long or all the good ones will be bought up by people who were smarter than you.

Kendall + Kylie Cutout one piece ($138 $97)

3. Formal Dresses

Why does it always feel like sorority formal is already, like, tomorrow? Or that wedding you RSVP’d to months ago is somehow next weekend??? You have nothing to wear and no time to shop. If you’re still in school, it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll have some type of formal in the upcoming months. If you’re out of school, then you’ll have some wedding for some bitch who is, of course, “lucky enough to be marrying her best friend.” Gag me. Either way, you’re going to need a formal dress at some point in the near future and, believe it or not, NOW is the best time to shop for one. Since most people shop for formal dresses during the winter, you’ll be able to buy one now for an incredible price. Plus, you’ll have the added bonus of knowing that no other girl at the party will have your dress. 

Privacy Please Columbia Mini dress ($158 $76)

4. Boots

Since everyone embraces the chance to show off their ugly, janky toes during the summer months, you’ll see amazing boots at even better prices. Alright, I know I sound like a used car salesman here, but this is legit. Boots might seem like an annoying purchase to make at the moment since you probs can’t wear them today (unless you live in Alaska or something), but just think how much your future self will thank you come September. Last summer, I bought a pair of Uggs for $60 instead of their original $200. It def wasn’t fun shelling out $60 for something I couldn’t get immediate use from but, as soon as ~Ugg season~ rolled around, I was pumped I had them. Knowing I had gotten the boots for suchhhh a great price literally gave me a feeling of satisfaction every single time I put them on. (And yes, Uggs are cool again. Don’t go fighting me about this in the comments—just trust me, I’m the fashion expert here.)

Raye x Revolve Farley boot ($248 $100)

5. Anything Spring/Summer

Remember that adorable tank you saw on the Free People catalogue a few months ago? Yeah, it’s on sale now. Post MDW, retailers are constantly marking down spring and summer pieces to make room for the fall collections. Take advantage of the system and go get that tank you’ve been eyeing up before they’re sold out. Just imagine how good you’ll look in your new tank while you’re out and pretending to ignore your fave fuckboy.

UO Empire Waist denim romper ($59 $29.99)

All you need now is to get through a few more weeks of hating your life before you’re back on vacay, looking hot af while blacking out on vodka sodas. You can do this.

Images: @rawpixel / Unsplash; South Moon Under; Revolve (3); Urban Outfitters

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It’s the unofficial start to the summer: Memorial Day Weekend. That’s right, it’s the first vaguely patriotic drinking holiday of the season. But how should you spend this holiest of days? Should you chug Budweiser at a BBQ? Black out on cocktails on a rooftop? Sleep the whole weekend away? Hopefully not the third thing. Read below to see what the stars have in store for you

Aries

Idk what you had in mind for this holiday weekend, Aries, but here’s what the stars have in mind for you: sex. No joke. This weekend, you are getting some. More than some, you’re getting a ton. Why? Because Venus is just like, really happy to see you. Idk, don’t question the universe when it’s handing you three days of bliss. Be ready at all times, Aries, because you never know when the opportunity will present itself.

Taurus

Despite our best efforts, sometimes we’re just hit with an overwhelming urge to become our best Martha Stewarts and start puttering around the house like it’s the 1950s and our abusive husbands are counting on it. This is your weekend for hosting, Taurus. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. There is literally no better time to show off your clean apartment and elite party planning skills than at a Memorial Day barbecue. This weekend, decorate your house, order cook a bunch of fun food, and let your friends know that you could, in fact, be ultimate wifey material if you spent the other 363 days of the year giving a fuck.

Gemini

Happy Birthday, Gemini! We hope you celebrate in the appropriate fashion, meaning that you adopt an entire week as your own and spend the entire time drinking and wearing a crown while everyone treats you like a queen. You know, the typical birthday protocol. Who cares when your actual birthday is, try kicking off festivities this weekend. Make sure all activities center around you, preferably all while being planned and coordinated by someone else. I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?

Cancer

Space is a good thing, Cancer. Both the NASA kind and the kind where you get people to leave you the fuck alone for once. Let’s focus on the latter, shall we? It’s cool that you have friends who value your opinion and actually want to spend time with you, but it’s also cool to tell them all to back off for a few days. This weekend, reconnect with yourself by connecting with absolutely no other living being other than the Postmates delivery person. Being in constant contact with people can get exhausting quick, and you’ve more than earned a two-day reprieve from the madness.

Leo

After months of waiting, Leo, it’s finally your turn. You have a tendency to put others’ needs before your own, and this is the weekend that that stops. For the next two days, it’s your time to shine, whine, dine, succeed, black out, or whatever it is that you’ve been holding yourself back from doing. Do not let anyone get in your way, at any cost. Now is a better time than ever to learn how to assert yourself.

Virgo

You have been on a roll this week, Virgo, as far as getting your life together is concerned. It’s honestly inspiring, so much so that we’re going to urge you to keep going. That’s right, today is the day that we here at Betches are actually pro-working. Write it in the history books. But really, there’s no sense in stopping the momentum you have going right now. Is your life literally clean? Cool, now get to the metaphorical side. Get rid of any shitty people that are adding clutter to your lifestyle. Try repairing any relationships that may have fallen by the wayside while you were lamenting throughout winter. Whatever you do, make sure it’s something that makes you feel like a better person.

Libra

Time to fucking party, Libra. You’ve done it. You crossed the finish line and the only item on your to-do list is “go wild.” Take these next two days (or three…or four…it’s a holiday after all) to be your best, drunkest self, the way the founders of Memorial Day intended. Hangovers are not a concern now that you’ve accomplished what you set out to do. Relish in the oncoming sense of death you’ll be suffering on Tuesday. You earned it.

Scorpio

There are reunions in your future this weekend, Scorpio. Many of them. It’s kind of inevitable on big party weekends like this. Some will be enjoyable but more likely, most will be excruciatingly painful in only the way running into people from your past can be. Our advice? Drink your way through it. For the next two days, let vodka take the wheel and just follow wherever it leads you. Potential effects of this strategy could be starting a 10-year feud with a relative or having drunk sex with some guy you went to high school with in the bathroom of your local bar, but otherwise the plan is foolproof.

Sagittarius

Holiday weekends with seemingly endless amounts of alcohol can get you thinking about things you may have been avoiding. Somewhere around that fourth glass of sangria after a couple hours in the sun, texting an ex or formerly ghosted guy can start to seem like a really good idea. Bottom line: it’s not. It will never be a good idea. That doesn’t mean drunk you won’t do it, just that sober you will be pissed the next day. If you are dead set on sabotaging yourself this weekend, make sure you at least look good while you’re doing it. This means makeup goes on before day drinking starts. We’ve all been drunk as shit at 7:00 trying to get ready for a night out, and we’ve all seen the pictures that resulted from it. The weekend already sounds like it’s going to be an experiment in embarrassing yourself, so do yourself whatever little favors you can.

Capricorn

As much as it pains us to say it, this weekend is not about you. Let that settle in before we move on. For the next two days, you’re playing a supporting role in someone else’s story, and your job is to be supportive and constantly stocked with airplane sized vodka bottles. It’s not the easiest part to play, but someone has to do it. Come Tuesday you can go back to being your self-centered self the way God intended. But until then, try and be the good friend that we all know you can be.

Aquarius

Listen closely, Aquarius. Really focus here. Despite the way you’ve acted for your literal entire life, this weekend you’re going to have to shut down the dramatics for at least three days. We know, it’s hard. Any other time, your wild antics and ridiculous stories are general crowd pleasers. But this weekend? Tone it down. There is bigger shit going on than your non-stop internal stand-up comedy and the sooner you recognize that, the easier shit will be for you.  Just drink some wine, sit back, and let someone else have the spotlight for once. You can do it, we have faith.

Pisces

This weekend isn’t going to be much of a holiday for you, Pisces. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you and I both know that there is some fairly important shit that you’ve been putting off for far too long now. Our advice? Spend the next three days doing that shit. Sure, you’ll miss out on a BBQ or two, but nothing will compare to the total and complete contentment you’ll feel come Tuesday when you realize that you are finally carefree. Or, at least, as carefree as a millennial can be in 2017. If you hurry up and get your shit together, maybe you can squeeze one night of debauchery into this weekend. No pressure, but get it together.

Memorial Day is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along when we least expect it to save us from spring weather that is legit moodier than me day one of my period and finally bring us to the promised land aka summer. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is trying to rob me of my happiness going to have shit weather this weekend I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and will be drinking in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and blackout in over MDW because patriotism:

1. Mr. Purple (LES)

Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself in being a person that is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.

2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)

If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it. 

3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)

This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned. 

4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)

I know what you’re thinking, The Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one hundred percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring themselves for Instagram ads.

5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)

Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders*  BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over MDW. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.

6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)

I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your MDW plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.

HIPSTER: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels*

ME:

7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)

This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.

8. The Delancey (LES)

Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.

^literally me last Saturday

This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life. 

Ah, Memorial Day, the unofficial start of summer, awkward family summer gatherings, pool parties, and body shaming. When else can you finally unleash your totally awesome summer bod while indulging in hot dogs and potato salad while chugging a beer? Maybe Spring Break and the Fourth of July and every other vaguely American holiday in existence, but we digress. Of course, there are consequences to these actions (what? Why?). If you indulge in the salty, fatty, bubbly concoction of shit served at the barbecue, your hard-worked-for summer body will melt away like your sunscreen from weird spots on your bod. Let us help you. Here are the top 10 things to reach for at this weekend’s Memorial Day barbecue that won’t have your vintage denim shorts riding high in your ass later.

1. Beans

If you’re scrounging around for a side, stick with the most musical of fruits even though it’s a legume and not a goddamn fruit. Beans, although they can be soaked in sauces and shit, are full of folate and fiber, both of which will do more for you than the pile of mayonnaise with chunks of potato in it.

2. Watermelon

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Watermelon is what Jesus would eat if he wanted to stay hydrated and skinny. It’s full of water, tastes great, has literally no calories, and is filling if you eat enough of it. Plus, all the water is good for your skin—so, really, this is a win-win situation.

3. Corn On The Cob

Lest we forget that this staple of summertime is, in fact a vegetable. If it’s grilled, it’s a healthy and not-terrible-for-you-at-all side that you can actually enjoy. Spray on a little butter, salt, and pepper and you’re good to go. Try not to go the Mexican street corn route and slather it in mayo, cheese, and spices… although that does sound pretty goddamn good…

4. Vinegar-Based Coleslaw

Coleslaw is honestly a weird side in general. Who thought of this? “HEY MA I’mma fix some shredded cabbage with mayo and spices and call it a veggie!” Anyway, if it ISN’T the mayonnaise-drenched variety, feel free to indulge. The vinegar (if it’s the apple cider variety) can rev your metabolism and the cabbage is full of nutrients and vitamins.

5. Steak

If the host or hostess of this backyard barbecue are rich enough to be serving everyone steak OR are being misers and cubing it for kebabs, grab it while you can. Although red meat has its issues, it’s honestly better for you than a giant burger or tube of mystery meat since it’s full of protein and vitamins. Just remember 3 oz. is all you need—which would be about the size of your iPhone 7. I mean, Anna Wintour has a steak every day for lunch, and anyone who thinks Anna Wintour is wrong about anything is seriously disturbed. 

6. Chicken

In line with steak, a lean grilled chicken breast is a great option for the center of your barbecue plate—as are chicken kebobs. So long as it isn’t fried or smothered in cheese, chicken will get you your protein fix, keep you satisfied, and only clocks in at about 150 calories for a breast.

7. Water

Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, you’re outside, so like, be hydrated.

8. On The Rocks

If you’re drinking liquor, and obviously you are, skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks with a hint of citrus. Want a margarita? No, you want tequila over ice with a splash of lime. How about vodka? Add some ice and some fresh crushed watermelon and you’re good to go. Keep the calories away with fruit, liquor, and ice.

9. Fruit

Any decent barbecue has a shit ton of fresh fruit. I mean, it’s the damn bounty of the season, right? There should be plenty of pineapple, berries, pears, you fucking name it. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out. That way, your stomach will be begging you to stop before you even think about s’mores and cheeseburgers.

10. Crudités

Same rule applies to crudités—aka a veggie platter for the non-bougie among us. Aunt Delilah will surely bring a giant crudité tray to the barbecue for nibbling. Grab a ton of celery, tomatoes, and cucumbers and get to work. SKIP that nasty ranch dip because ranch is for fatties. I’m not even sorry—that shit is disgusting. If you MUST dip, find some guacamole or salsa. The veggies will help fill you up to prevent your sausage fingers from grabbing another beer or plate of macaroni. 

Memorial Day Weekend is one hell of an underrated holiday. It kicks off the start of summer, you can eat all the hot dogs you want (which should be zero), and you’re daging until whenever it is you finally pass out, because day drinking is really fucking exhausting. Basically, it sets the standards for what this summer will bring. Will you throw up over the side of the boat? Or will you hook up with that guy you’ve had your eye on since college? It really can go either way and what you fucking wear is like, so important. Whether your plans involve partying on a motherfucking boat or reuniting with friends and family you haven’t seen in forever, your outfit needs to make one hell of an impression. Don’t show up to the BBQ wearing the same denim shorts and white crop top as the girl next you. You need to show everyone you are only getting hotter with each day and you are not a basic bitch (we both know you are but, just pretend, okay?). This is like, the pregame to Fourth of July but that doesn’t mean you need to wear a sparkly headband or face paint the fucking flag on your face to fake it. What are you, like, 5?

Wear these trendy AF things this weekend (yes, MDW is this weekend—plan accordingly with your shipping choices) so you can look somewhat patriotic and hot when you’re drunkenly chanting “U-S-A” and pretending to give a shit about ‘Murica.

6 Shore Road Yacht Club Dress

Instead of your typical short summer dress, go for one with a little length. The flowy dress is a lot of fun and makes for a perfect Boomerang on Insta. Pair with small wedges and an all white denim jacket if it gets chilly out. The back comes together with two small adjustable bows, and anything with bows is a winner in my book.

Draw The Line Crochet Top

Bring boho vibes with a crochet top and a pop of yellow in between some red, white, and blue. Keep it low-key with distressed high waisted denim shorts, white flip flops, or your comfiest sneakers. Wear fun earrings to add some attitude, a chic choker, and you’ll be shotgunning a beer with the guys in style—just please don’t say you’re “one of the guys” or that “girls are too much drama”.

Heartloom Willow Romper

Make it sexual and flirty with a crisp, white off the shoulder romper. Bring in other colors by pairing with a red clutch, red earrings, and blue heels. Just keep in mind that rompers are all fun and games until you have to pee and next thing you know, you’re naked on the toilet. If you drink enough, you won’t care eventually.

TAVIK Chase One-Piece Swimsuit

Hide your shish kebab bloat with a plunging color-blocked one piece. Wear a patriotic swimsuit you can get away with wearing during anytime in the summer. Add a floppy hat, strappy sandals, and funky sunglasses for a complete ‘Murica look.

Pistola Star Spangled Cut-Off Denim Jacket

Wear this frayed denim jacket over an American graphic tee for a casual, street style look. Pair them with white or red shorts, low-heel sandals and a striped crossbody. America, fuck yeah.

American Flag Sheer Poncho

This is for the girls who think it’s cute to wear an American flag like cape. Um, hello? This isn’t Halloween. You’re not Captain America—leave that to your drunk persona. Opt for a kimono or poncho that does the same thing but looks cuter and won’t have your uncle accusing you of disrespecting the flag when you post a pic of your outfit on Facebook. Throw over a distressed denim mini skirt or your bathing suit. Before the night is over, grab a sparkler and take a picture for the ‘gram. This is really Insta-worthy.

Half Boho Bandeau In Tribal Print

Instead of an obnoxious headband with like, fireworks falling out of it, find a red, white, and blue patterned wrap that has multiple uses. Wear it as a bracelet, scarf or a fucking bandeau if you want. This boho hair wrap is going to be the next scrunchie, just watch. I’m going to say I fucking told you so.

Lastly, after you figure out wtf you’re wearing, dress your beer in a cute drink sleeve because even your drink has to look good too. Score major brownie points by bringing cute drink floaties to share. Now, everyone will be able to play swimming flip cup in the pool, thanks to me you. #MakeAmericaDrunkAgain.