Invite Literally Whoever To Our MDW Party—Except Your Friends Who We All Hate

Household Group Chat – The C*nt$ In 23C

Amy: Hey roomies! So, I’m having a Memorial Day BBQ (you all said it was okay when I asked 6 months ago!!) and I want you to feel free to invite your friends

Diane: I believe my exact words were: If we all haven’t contracted COVID by then, we’ll talk.

Charlie: And we’re still not quite out of the woods 😬

Amy: So, I’m back with my ex none of you liked and he’ll be here, plus all of my friends and some former classmates I didn’t really like but they have great connections, so it’ll be about 30 people on my end! A few of them have the first vaccine dose and they only commute into work 3x a week!!

Diane: oh god

Charlie: I’m not sure if our space can accommodate that number of people….and everyone would have to wear masks….

Amy: Vanessa, you could mix up some cute summer drinks for us and maybe a non-alcoholic one for Diane so she doesn’t feel left out!

Vanessa: I don’t really want to be working for free on my day off….

Amy: And your other bartender friends could come and it could be like Vanderpump Rules!

Vanessa: You know none of those people actually bartend

Diane: And they’re all super problematic

Charlie: Pretty sure that show’s dead anyway tbh

Charlie: I guess I could invite my girlfriend

Amy: 😕

Diane: You don’t like Mary…?

Amy: It’s not a big deal, but she has a really loud laugh and dresses kind of cheugy

Amy: I don’t want to give any one of my 30 guests the wrong impression.

Charlie: Cheugy??

Vanessa: This is a cheugy household….

*Name of the group chat has been changed to Cheugy Household*

Diane: Am I cheugy?

Amy: Yes

Amy: And Mary makes my friends uncomfortable because she’s always 1 compliment from a MLM pitch 😕

Charlie: I’ve TOLD you, it’s network based affiliate marketing

Amy: Weird way to spell pyramid scheme

Charlie: Vanessa, could you design some non-cheugy dresswear for Mary??

Diane: And me. Pls, Vanessa

Amy: …..

Diane: uhh…..either way, could we keep the booze in your room or just not….left out on the counter?

Amy: That’s a big ask, Diane

Diane: Okay, well, I’m going to invite AJ

*Amy dislikes “Okay, well, I’m going to invite AJ”*

Diane: Wtf?? How do you have a problem with AJ??

Amy: He makes those weird videos where he gets naked, covers himself in shaving cream, and plays Death Cab for Cutie songs. What year is it????

Diane: I mean… he’s not going to do that in person… for free.

Vanessa: I like his covers

Charlie: I don’t really like Death Cab for Cutie ☹️

Diane: That’s fair.

Amy: Plus……………I think last time he was over he tried on my Mac lipstick

Charlie: That is so unsanitary….omg. PLEASE, AJ, NO.

Diane: And it’s impossible to take off, for real. A nightmare.

Amy: He just spent a lot of time in the bathroom and one time I opened the door and he was staring at my lipsticks

Diane: They’re in the cabinet across from the toilet!

Amy: He looked like he wanted them, like he was hungry


Amy: Exactly

Vanessa: Welp, I’m going to be out of town this weekend I’ve decided now

Charlie: Yeah, I think I’m going to stay at Mary’s

Diane: Pls, someone, invite me to be anywhere but here

Vanessa: You need to be the house goblin and keep everything safe from Amy’s friends.

Charlie: Yeah, Diane, we’d really appreciate it.

Amy: My friends aren’t bad!

Vanessa: One of them dug my Clase Azul out of my closet and drank it

Amy: That was probably Diane

Diane: Ha ha. Very funny.

Charlie: Jason peed in the bathroom sink and Willem tried to do a line off my desk.

Amy: Like you’ve never done that

Charlie: There were still papers on it.

Charlie: Which I didn’t realize until I pulled them out for a meeting on Monday.

Vanessa: Willem is kinda a menace to society

Diane: How many people’s furniture do you think he’s contaminated?

Vanessa: A moment of silence

Amy: Whatever. Everyone will be over on Sunday at 4

Diane: S I L E N C E

Diane: But AJ is coming over. With his guitar.

Amy: Fine. 🙄

Amy: Thank you veterans for your service, or whatever


Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley is a disabled writer who has written comedy for the New Yorker, McSweeney's, Playboy, Rewire News Group, Weekly Humorist, and others. She has balance issues. For more jokes, follow her on Instagram and Twitter.