Household Group Chat – The C*nt$ In 23C
Amy: Hey roomies! So, I’m having a Memorial Day BBQ (you all said it was okay when I asked 6 months ago!!) and I want you to feel free to invite your friends
Diane: I believe my exact words were: If we all haven’t contracted COVID by then, we’ll talk.
Charlie: And we’re still not quite out of the woods 😬
Amy: So, I’m back with my ex none of you liked and he’ll be here, plus all of my friends and some former classmates I didn’t really like but they have great connections, so it’ll be about 30 people on my end! A few of them have the first vaccine dose and they only commute into work 3x a week!!
Diane: oh god
Charlie: I’m not sure if our space can accommodate that number of people….and everyone would have to wear masks….
Amy: Vanessa, you could mix up some cute summer drinks for us and maybe a non-alcoholic one for Diane so she doesn’t feel left out!
Vanessa: I don’t really want to be working for free on my day off….
Amy: And your other bartender friends could come and it could be like Vanderpump Rules!
Vanessa: You know none of those people actually bartend
Diane: And they’re all super problematic
Charlie: Pretty sure that show’s dead anyway tbh
Charlie: I guess I could invite my girlfriend
Diane: You don’t like Mary…?
Amy: It’s not a big deal, but she has a really loud laugh and dresses kind of cheugy
Amy: I don’t want to give any one of my 30 guests the wrong impression.
Vanessa: This is a cheugy household….
*Name of the group chat has been changed to Cheugy Household*
Diane: Am I cheugy?
Amy: And Mary makes my friends uncomfortable because she’s always 1 compliment from a MLM pitch 😕
Charlie: I’ve TOLD you, it’s network based affiliate marketing
Amy: Weird way to spell pyramid scheme
Charlie: Vanessa, could you design some non-cheugy dresswear for Mary??
Diane: And me. Pls, Vanessa
Diane: uhh…..either way, could we keep the booze in your room or just not….left out on the counter?
Amy: That’s a big ask, Diane
Diane: Okay, well, I’m going to invite AJ
*Amy dislikes “Okay, well, I’m going to invite AJ”*
Diane: Wtf?? How do you have a problem with AJ??
Amy: He makes those weird videos where he gets naked, covers himself in shaving cream, and plays Death Cab for Cutie songs. What year is it????
Diane: I mean… he’s not going to do that in person… for free.
Vanessa: I like his covers
Charlie: I don’t really like Death Cab for Cutie ☹️
Diane: That’s fair.
Amy: Plus……………I think last time he was over he tried on my Mac lipstick
Charlie: That is so unsanitary….omg. PLEASE, AJ, NO.
Diane: And it’s impossible to take off, for real. A nightmare.
Amy: He just spent a lot of time in the bathroom and one time I opened the door and he was staring at my lipsticks
Diane: They’re in the cabinet across from the toilet!
Amy: He looked like he wanted them, like he was hungry
Diane: HE’S ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT BRUNCH
Vanessa: Welp, I’m going to be out of town this weekend I’ve decided now
Charlie: Yeah, I think I’m going to stay at Mary’s
Diane: Pls, someone, invite me to be anywhere but here
Vanessa: You need to be the house goblin and keep everything safe from Amy’s friends.
Charlie: Yeah, Diane, we’d really appreciate it.
Amy: My friends aren’t bad!
Vanessa: One of them dug my Clase Azul out of my closet and drank it
Amy: That was probably Diane
Diane: Ha ha. Very funny.
Charlie: Jason peed in the bathroom sink and Willem tried to do a line off my desk.
Amy: Like you’ve never done that
Charlie: There were still papers on it.
Charlie: Which I didn’t realize until I pulled them out for a meeting on Monday.
Vanessa: Willem is kinda a menace to society
Diane: How many people’s furniture do you think he’s contaminated?
Vanessa: A moment of silence
Amy: Whatever. Everyone will be over on Sunday at 4
Diane: S I L E N C E
Diane: But AJ is coming over. With his guitar.
Amy: Fine. 🙄
Amy: Thank you veterans for your service, or whatever
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