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Invite Literally Whoever To Our MDW Party—Except Your Friends Who We All Hate

By Brooke Knisley | May 28, 2021
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Household Group Chat – The C*nt$ In 23C

Amy: Hey roomies! So, I’m having a Memorial Day BBQ (you all said it was okay when I asked 6 months ago!!) and I want you to feel free to invite your friends

Diane: I believe my exact words were: If we all haven’t contracted COVID by then, we’ll talk.

Charlie: And we’re still not quite out of the woods 😬

Amy: So, I’m back with my ex none of you liked and he’ll be here, plus all of my friends and some former classmates I didn’t really like but they have great connections, so it’ll be about 30 people on my end! A few of them have the first vaccine dose and they only commute into work 3x a week!!

Diane: oh god

Charlie: I’m not sure if our space can accommodate that number of people….and everyone would have to wear masks….

Amy: Vanessa, you could mix up some cute summer drinks for us and maybe a non-alcoholic one for Diane so she doesn’t feel left out!

Vanessa: I don’t really want to be working for free on my day off….

Amy: And your other bartender friends could come and it could be like Vanderpump Rules!

Vanessa: You know none of those people actually bartend

Diane: And they’re all super problematic

Charlie: Pretty sure that show’s dead anyway tbh

Charlie: I guess I could invite my girlfriend

Amy: 😕

Diane: You don’t like Mary…?

Amy: It’s not a big deal, but she has a really loud laugh and dresses kind of cheugy

Amy: I don’t want to give any one of my 30 guests the wrong impression.

Charlie: Cheugy??

Vanessa: This is a cheugy household….

*Name of the group chat has been changed to Cheugy Household*

Diane: Am I cheugy?

Amy: Yes

Amy: And Mary makes my friends uncomfortable because she’s always 1 compliment from a MLM pitch 😕

Charlie: I’ve TOLD you, it’s network based affiliate marketing

Amy: Weird way to spell pyramid scheme

Charlie: Vanessa, could you design some non-cheugy dresswear for Mary??

Diane: And me. Pls, Vanessa

Amy: …..

Diane: uhh…..either way, could we keep the booze in your room or just not….left out on the counter?

Amy: That’s a big ask, Diane

Diane: Okay, well, I’m going to invite AJ

*Amy dislikes “Okay, well, I’m going to invite AJ”*

Diane: Wtf?? How do you have a problem with AJ??

Amy: He makes those weird videos where he gets naked, covers himself in shaving cream, and plays Death Cab for Cutie songs. What year is it????

Diane: I mean… he’s not going to do that in person… for free.

Vanessa: I like his covers

Charlie: I don’t really like Death Cab for Cutie ☹️

Diane: That’s fair.

Amy: Plus……………I think last time he was over he tried on my Mac lipstick

Charlie: That is so unsanitary….omg. PLEASE, AJ, NO.

Diane: And it’s impossible to take off, for real. A nightmare.

Amy: He just spent a lot of time in the bathroom and one time I opened the door and he was staring at my lipsticks

Diane: They’re in the cabinet across from the toilet!

Amy: He looked like he wanted them, like he was hungry

Diane: HE’S ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT BRUNCH

Amy: Exactly

Vanessa: Welp, I’m going to be out of town this weekend I’ve decided now

Charlie: Yeah, I think I’m going to stay at Mary’s

Diane: Pls, someone, invite me to be anywhere but here

Vanessa: You need to be the house goblin and keep everything safe from Amy’s friends.

Charlie: Yeah, Diane, we’d really appreciate it.

Amy: My friends aren’t bad!

Vanessa: One of them dug my Clase Azul out of my closet and drank it

Amy: That was probably Diane

Diane: Ha ha. Very funny.

Charlie: Jason peed in the bathroom sink and Willem tried to do a line off my desk.

Amy: Like you’ve never done that

Charlie: There were still papers on it.

Charlie: Which I didn’t realize until I pulled them out for a meeting on Monday.

Vanessa: Willem is kinda a menace to society

Diane: How many people’s furniture do you think he’s contaminated?

Vanessa: A moment of silence

Amy: Whatever. Everyone will be over on Sunday at 4

Diane: S I L E N C E

Diane: But AJ is coming over. With his guitar.

Amy: Fine. 🙄

Amy: Thank you veterans for your service, or whatever

Images: AUDREY SHTECINJO / Stocksy.com

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