2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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1 year ago we had the best wedding. Wish I could live this day over and over 🤍🕊
It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
There are so many things to love about this time of year. The bottomless supply of baked goods, the wall-to-wall Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, the multiple consecutive days where you don’t have to change out of your pajamas, and finally, looking back on all the juicy breakups that happened throughout the year. I believe the phrase is “the best way to spread Christmas cheer is by recounting strangers’ personal pain loudly for all to hear,” no? Well, it certainly is for me. And this year, there were A LOT of celebrity breakups. So many, in fact, that Ryanne even had to talk me down from one when I INSISTED you would all care about the guy from This is Us divorcing his wife. You can thank her in the comments. But let’s take a look at the rest of the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019, and really get in the holiday spirit!
Khloé Kardashian & Tristan Thompson
I had really hoped that by the end of this decade we would have stopped talking about these people, but it seems that is not the case. In fact, two members of America’s First Family of Reality TV made it onto this list. The things I do for you guys. I still can’t believe this breakup was only this year, but it was indeed back in February when Jordyn Woods foolishly cut herself off from the Kardashian juvederm gravy train by making out with Tristan Thompson. Big mistake. Huge. She claimed (on Red Table Talk) that it was just a quick kiss on the lips, but that was enough to seal her fate. Kylie threw her out, onto the mean streets of the Hollywood Hills, left to fend for herself with nowhere else to go but a slightly smaller mansion. Poor baby!
This was the last straw for Khloé, who will tolerate her boyfriend motorboating models while she’s at home pregnant, but a goodbye kiss on the lips is OVER. THE. LINE. She also seemed to blame Jordyn for her breakup when we all know men are the ones responsible for where they put their d*cks.
Why are you lying @jordynwoods ?? If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
Maybe don’t pick a cheater next time, Khloé!
Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott
We might as well get on with the Kylie and Travis breakup, since we’re here. This relationship was a whirlwind. Kylie and Tyga broke up, and then she almost immediately got with Travis, and then she almost immediately got pregnant, because her mother was too busy selling her sister’s sex tape and building an empire to teach her youngest daughter about the birds and the bees. At the very least she could have showed her that tape! Alas, she did not, and here we are. Stormi was born in February 2018, less than a year after Kylie and Travis got together. Things seemed to be going well for a while, with Travis even telling Playboy that having a baby had not slowed down their sex life at all. Duh, Travis! You are still in the honeymoon stage! And you have nannies! I think a decrease in sex life happens because people are tired from the baby and also kind of sick of each other from being together so long. Two problems Travis and Kylie would not be encountering. But congrats on beating the odds!
But then, October came and Travis and Kylie announced they were on a break. Guess that sex life finally slowed down, huh? They still appear to be close, and although I wouldn’t count out a reconciliation, this really was the end of an era for Kylie. Thankfully she has those billion dollars to hold her close at night!
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth
I’ve got to admit, this one hurts. I thought these two crazy kids might just make it. After meeting on the set of The Last Song *pause for audible sobbing* and dating on and off for over 10 years, they finally got married in December 2018. Then, by August, it was over. And that’s when it got messy. All of a sudden Miley was dating Kaitlynn Carter, the most annoying cast member on The Hills: New Beginnings, and Liam was walking around Australia looking like someone drowned his puppy. I haven’t seen anything sadder since we got my brother’s wedding photos back and it looked like my glass of champagne was my plus one in every single shot. (It was.)
THEN! Miley and Kaitlynn breakup (duh, she’s annoying!) and now Miley is with Cody Simpson. AND THEN!!! Miley got a tattoo that says “freedom” which is obviously throwing shade at Liam. A little dramatic, but okay.
But FINALLY! Liam is getting his head in the game and fighting back, recently posting a thirst trap. He looks hot, but we know you’re not that innocent, Liam. Even my grandmother knows what a thirst trap is.
Cole Sprouse & Lili Reinhart
This summer it was reported that Cole and Lili, aka the one sane spot in that bonkers fever dream known as Riverdale, broke up after two years of dating. OR DID THEY? This story was reported in July, but the day before they had been perfectly cordial at ComicCon. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “cordial” is the word I would use to describe myself post-breakup in my early 20s. Maybe “deranged” or “paralyzed by rage,” but definitely not cordial.
They never confirmed the breakup, and then, they started f*cking with us. Lili posted a picture of their magazine cover together saying “none of you know sh*t,” and Cole posted the same picture, with a caption I don’t understand but I can feel like I’m being mocked, you know?
If Cole and Lili broke up, or if they did not, it doesn’t matter now, because they’re back together! I don’t like being toyed with, but I will take it if it means that Bughead is forever.
Bradley Cooper & Irina Shayk
I heard you all sigh when you got to this one, but don’t act like I’m the only one here who cares about Bradley Cooper. He’s still hotter than most of the men in Hollywood even when he’s pretending to pee himself at the Grammys, okay? So, last year, Bradley wrote, directed, and starred in a little film called A Star is Born, maybe you heard of it? *pause for audible sobbing*. Sorry, that garage scene haunts me. Anyway, his co-star was the inimitable Lady Gaga, and boy did people want them to be a thing. And then, Gaga and her fiancé broke up, and she and Bradley performed at the Oscars, making everyone believe they were in love. Guys, THEY ARE ACTORS. THEY WERE ACTING.
With this kind of speculation, though, it was almost inevitable that Bradley and Irina were going to break up. In June they announced that they were separating, which is sad, but at least they did produce quite possibly the most adorable child of all time. Yes, I do follow celebrity baby Instagram accounts, and no I don’t want to talk about it. I would just like to stress, though, for all you believers that are still out there, he will never, ever, be getting with Lady Gaga. Because he’s obviously going to end up with Jennifer Garner, right? Where my Alias fans at??!
Hannah Brown & Jed Wyatt
And finally, we get to the biggest Bachelor Nation breakup of the year. I think this one can be summed up by saying “men ain’t sh*t,” but you probably want a little more explanation than that. Basically, Hannah picked the incredibly poor man’s Tim McGraw as the winner on her season of The Bachelorette. And then, after she picked him but before the season was finished airing, it was revealed that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show and he clearly was in it just to get famous. FOR SHAME, JED! Tim McGraw would never do something so nefarious. So, Hannah dumped him on After the Final Rose, and went on to win Dancing with the Stars, and in general be one of the best Bachelorettes that the franchise has ever produced. She scrubbed him from her Instagram, but he didn’t because he still needs her to keep him relevant, duh. It appears Jed has a new girlfriend, good for him! Just FYI sweetie, he didn’t write “I wanna be your Mr. Right” for you.
And there you have the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019. Count on even more Kardashians on next year’s list!
Images: khloekardashian, travisscott, liamhemsworth, winterstone, commentsbycelebs, lilireinhart, colesprouse, _itsleeas, jedwyatt/ Instagram; khloekardashian/Twitter
We’ve spent the last couple months talking a lot about what’s been going in Miley Cyrus’s love life, but it’s really time that we talk about Liam Hemsworth. Since he and Miley announced their split over the summer, he’s really kept a low profile, mostly just hanging out in Australia. While Miley’s been PDA-ing around the world with Kaitlynn Carter and Cody Simpson, it seemed like Liam just wanted a minute to sort things out. And he did take approximately one minute! Because just yesterday, Liam popped up this week with a new woman, and here’s everything we know.
On Thursday, TMZ spotted Liam Hemsworth and a ~mystery blonde~ out and about in NYC’s West Village. They were seen holding hands, and then they had lunch outside at Sant Ambroeus. Liam was wearing short sleeves despite it being like 60 degrees, and it looks like they were drinking Aperol spritzes. Apparently, if you’re Australian, summer is a state of mind. (Tbh that tracks with everything my friends who studied abroad there have said.)
After lunch, Liam and Maddison walked around a bit more before taking the subway together. Okay, I’ve gotta say, if I was on a date with Liam Hemsworth and he asked me to take the SUBWAY, I would be thoroughly unimpressed. Bitch, I take the subway every single day! Show me the black car or I walk.
Luckily, TMZ was later able to identify the ~mystery blonde~ as Australian actress Maddison Brown, who currently stars in the CW reboot of Dynasty. We don’t know long she and Liam have been hanging out, or if things are going to get serious, but we can at least tell you a few important things to know about her.
1. She’s Hot
I mean, naturally. Maddison Brown definitely has mean-girl-hot vibes, which is my preferred aesthetic. Feel free to roast me in the comments for this, but she kind of looks like a cross between Cassie Randolph and Iggy Azalea. Except hopefully she’s less boring than Cassie, and less problematic than Iggy.
2. She Spells Her Name Wrong
If you’ve gotten this far, I assume you can read, so you’ve probably already noticed that Maddison has two Ds in her name. I’m sorry, but I can’t get behind this. My brain fully stutters every time it gets to the second one, and I just don’t understand why it’s there. I know this is mean and you don’t get to choose your own name, but I can’t help it. Ddon’t be madd at me for being juddgmental.
3. She’s A Lot Younger
Since the breakup, Liam and Miley have both explored dating younger people. Currently, they’re both hooking up with 22-year-olds, which is funny, because I’m automatically annoyed by every single 22-year-old that I come into contact with. Liam is 29, which makes his age difference with Maddison Brown especially…interesting. No one is doing anything wrong here, but like, I can barely relate to people two years younger than me. I can’t imagine being nearly 30 and dating someone who would be fresh out of college.
4. She Has A Sense Of Humor
Okay, I’ll admit that I had low expectations for getting any kind of personality from Maddison Brown, but this Instagram post kind of proved me wrong. The second I saw the photo, my mind immediately went to the Devil Wears Prada line about the Chanel boots. BUT MADDISON BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH. If you go to the second photo, she posted a meme that had my literally dying at my desk yesterday. Props, Maddison—your name is still spelled wrong, but I like you.
Obviously, we’ll be on the lookout for more sightings of Liam Hemsworth and Maddison Brown hanging out, and by that I mean I’ll be camping out in Soho until I see them. Sorry boss, can’t do any more work today!
Images: Shutterstock; maddisonbrown (2) / Instagram
With any major celebrity breakup, it usually doesn’t take long before the mysterious anonymous sources start rolling in with a lot of information. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are no different, and since it’s been four days since the initial breakup news came out, the sources are coming out of the woodwork to talk to TMZ. Under normal circumstances, I would say to take information like this with a grain of salt, but these rumors are next level, so you probably need an entire salt cave. Basically, people from both sides are giving complete opposite details about what happened between Miley and Liam, so I’m not even going to try to make a call about who’s wrong and who’s right. Here’s what people are saying, and you can choose to believe it or not.
According to the sources close to Miley, the split was all Liam’s fault. To hear them tell it, Miley desperately wanted to make her marriage work, but Liam started drinking a lot and using drugs. Especially with Miley’s past struggles with substance abuse, this was apparently a dealbreaker for her, and she had to break things off with Liam.
But there are two sides to every story. According to the sources close to Liam, this isn’t what happened at all, and the demise of the relationship was actually due to Miley cheating. Dun dun DUNNNN. While the Miley sources said that she broke up with Liam months ago, the Liam sources say that they were together until just recently. According to them, her Italian vacation (including the photos of her making out with Kaitlynn Carter) “is another attempt by Miley to distract from her infidelity and recent outrageous public behavior.”
So yeah, those are two very different stories. I know I said that there are two sides to every story, but I’m amending that to say that there are three sides to every story, and the third one is the actual truth. If I had to guess (I know, I said I wouldn’t), the situation with Miley and Liam probably falls somewhere in the middle of what all these sources are saying. We don’t know anything about Liam’s drinking and drug habits, but it would be pretty inexcusable for an anonymous source to make that up if there was no truth to it whatsoever. Actually, it’s pretty messed up to blab that to tabloids even if it is true, but oh well.
And because we don’t really know what the timeline was here, it’s entirely possible that Miley did cheat on Liam. We don’t know, and we probably never really will. In the end, no matter what went down to cause the end of their marriage, it doesn’t really matter. Things ended because reasons, and now they both have their whole lives ahead of them to move on and rebuild. Whether that means making out on a yacht in Italy or posting a moody sunset on Insta, to each their own.
Images: Shutterstock;
On Saturday, the entire world went into a state of collective shock when we found out that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth had separated after less than a year of marriage. Though Miley and Liam have only been married for around eight months, their love story goes all the way back to 2009, so their most recent split feels like the end of an era. I mean, am I just not supposed to watch The Last Song anymore, or listen to “Wrecking Ball”? Somebody please advise.
Miley and Liam’s is one of the more unexpected celebrity breakups in recent memory, but Miley hasn’t been shy on social media since the news broke. In fact, she’s basically broadcast her entire Italian vacation, posting more than a dozen photos in the last two days. Obviously everyone experiences breakups differently, but Miley might be overdoing it a little with the posting. Let’s take a look at some of her most recent posts, and try to get a little more of an idea of what she’s going through. We’ll also talk about the situation with Brody Jenner’s ex Kaitlynn Carter, because I’m still not done processing it. Call me Marie Kondo, because I love mess.
Before any of us knew about the breakup news, Miley Cyrus kicked off her European vacation and Instagram spree with the above video of her dancing to Aaliyah’s “Rock The Boat.” It’s an amazing song choice, and Miley looks so great and carefree here. This is definitely a hot girl summer vibe, but little did we know that our perspective on this whole trip was about to change.
That video was from Friday, and on the same day, Kaitlynn Carter posted this photo of her and Miley on a boat, also with a caption about rocking the boat.
Boy, did 24 hours change the context of this photo. When I first saw that Kaitlynn was on vacation with Miley, my reaction was somewhere between “what the f*ck” and actually being impressed that Kaitlynn got this invite. On The Hills reboot, Kaitlynn is pretty insufferable, so it’s surprising that Miley would want to hang out with her enough to invite her to Italy, but hey, it’s not my life.
BUT THEN. On Saturday f*cking night, the news spread that Liam and Miley are done, and there were also photos of Miley and Kaitlynn making out. How am I doing? Not well, bitch! The breakup was already a lot to process, but the thought of Miley and Kaitlynn together is almost too much for me to handle. (Not at all influenced by the fact that I was definitely drunk when both pieces of news came in.) Maybe Kaitlynn is cool in real life and she just didn’t vibe with the crew on The Hills, but she still seems like such a random choice. Miley Cyrus is openly queer, so it’s not shocking that she’s making out with a woman, but this woman?
Then, the plot with Miley and Kaitlynn thickened, when Brody Jenner decided to insert himself in the narrative. He said “Watch out! Pics of Liam and I holding hands on the beach coming soon.” Obviously he’s joking, but I kind of love that he’s not shying away from getting involved here. He and Kaitlynn only split up a couple weeks ago, so there are a lot of moving pieces here.
Then, Miley jumped in with Brody, telling him to take a nap in his truck and cool off. At this point, I have fully no idea what’s going on here, but I’m glad to watch it all unfold.
We obviously don’t know what’s going on with Miley and Kaitlynn and Brody and everyone else right now, or whether Miley and Kaitlynn’s relationship is headed anywhere, but we do know that Miley has been busy on Instagram since the news of the split. She did a full photoshoot in whatever mansion she’s staying in, complete with this awkward Boomerang that I’m obsessed with:
She had no idea what to do with her leg, and it’s the most relatable she’s ever been. Whether or not Miley is in a good place emotionally right now, she’s definitely feeling herself on this vacation, and I’m happy about that. But to be honest, this is the kind of thing that a Real Housewife would post, and I would wonder if she was having a nervous breakdown. Miley’s other posts seem pretty coherent, but if she posts more stuff like this, I might be worried.
Miley also found a cool chair to pose in, and posted two different photos that are basically exactly the same. To be fair, in the caption of this one, she did warn us that we would be getting spammed, and I do appreciate the heads up. I would literally never mute her though, because I love myself, and these photos are getting me through the day.
After she was done with her castle photoshoot (same), Miley moved on to a mountain hike, of course in a crop top because god forbid that we forget she has the world’s most amazing body. In terms of the Instagram content, this is really my favorite portion of the trip so far. Not only is this location absolutely gorgeous, but the captions on these photos seem the most telling about what’s going on with her. This first one especially is pretty deep.
There’s a lot going on with this caption, and I’m not actually sure whether it’s about evolution, climate change, her breakup, or all of the above, but I’m into it. I’m not sure if the thing about the mountains being under water and connected to Africa is about Liam, but it could be. Who knows? She quotes her dad saying that “nature never hurries but it is always on time,” and this seems like it could be about knowing when to move on from a relationship. Miley and Liam’s relationship has been an on-and-off journey over an entire decade, so I’m sure the decision to end things wasn’t taken lightly.
But this, this is really the pièce de résistance of the whole trip. It’s almost the exact same photo as the picture before, but you guys…THE CAPTION. Quick Miley Cyrus history lesson for anyone who’s lost: Miley’s song “The Climb,” which is from the Hannah Montana movie, was released in March 2009. Miley then started dating Liam while filming The Last Song just three months later, in June 2009. By those calculations, “The Climb” was probably one of the last songs that Miley did before she met Liam, and the message couldn’t be more perfect for where Miley’s at right now. And yes, I’m listening to “The Climb” and crying at work right now, what about it?
And what’s up with Liam Hemsworth right now? Unlike Miley, he’s not the type to be all over Instagram with his feelings, but he did give a comment when approached by The Daily Mail Australia, saying that “You don’t understand what it’s like.” This is technically true, considering that I’ve never been married, but I’m so curious to know more about the specifics of this breakup. Whose decision was it? Are things like, over over, or are they just on a break? Are Brody Jenner and Liam going to hook up next??
In the end, whether Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth get back together or not, I hope that they’re both doing well, and are happy with whatever happens. It seems like Miley’s been having a good trip to Italy, but we don’t really know what’s going on beneath the surface with her. And it seems like Liam might not be doing amazing, but we don’t really know about him either. Hopefully there will be more updates soon, but for now I’ll take all the Lake Como Instagrams I can get.
UPDATE: It’s now Tuesday morning, and just as my obsession with decoding Miley’s Instagram posts was starting to subside, Liam Hemsworth has officially entered the chat. Sadly, there are no photos of him making out with Brody Jenner on a yacht, but he did post a dramatic sunset pic with a caption addressing his and Miley’s split.
He wishes her “nothing but health and happiness going forward,” which actually makes me think that this might be over for good. There’s no mention of working through differences, or rebuilding their relationship—just health and happiness. This really is the end of an era. Then, Liam clarifies that this will be his only public comment on the situation, which calls into question the truth of the quote attributed to him by The Daily Mail Australia.
I’m glad that Liam acknowledged what’s going on, but I also respect his decision to not comment publicly on what happened with him and Miley. Hopefully at some point his brother Chris will get a little too drunk and spill the beans to the paparazzi, but until then we’ll just have to read between the lines on social media. Miley has been quiet on Instagram since she posted all those hiking pictures, so either her vacation is over, or someone took her phone away. Miley or Kaitlynn, if you’re reading this please send updates!!!
Images: mileycyrus (5), Kaitlynn, enews, liamhemsworth / Instagram
In case you missed it, a Christmas miracle took place last weekend, and I’m not even talking about my mother uttering the words “you were right” in my presence. No, last weekend Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth GOT MARRIED in a private ceremony held in their Nashville home. That’s right, the woman who made twerking a national pastime and the second-hottest Hemsworth brother are married. Are you squealing yet? BECAUSE I AM SQUEALING. I don’t know about you, but I’d say this is definitive proof that love is real you can get your ex back after miming a sex act during your VMAs performance and it’s a win for me, personally delusional girls all over the world.
Now, if you’ll recall, the couple met in 2009 on the set of The Last Song, way back when Miley had brown hair and was still legally allowed to associate with the Disney Channel. Ah, simpler times. They first got engaged in 2012, before calling it off a year later so Miley could have her space to grow as a person go through that wild phase.
Sure, Jan. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.
But they reconnected in 2015 and seemed to be really happy, despite the fact that it made her new music only subpar. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Personally, I’ve been rooting for these two for a long time. And I’m not just saying that because after a drinking a bottle of moscato I used to drunk dial my ex and belt “Wrecking Ball” into his voicemail box. No, I’m genuinely rooting for Miley and Liam as only a complete stranger with no personal or emotional ties to them can. And now they’re married!! So to celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be fun to revisit her exes in what I like to call “Thank U, Next: The Miley Cyrus Edition.” Let’s get started, shall we?
6. Justin Gaston
If you’re wondering who this person is, you’re not alone, because I had to Google him as well. According to his IMDB page his greatest claim to fame is playing Romeo in Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” music video. So basically he’s about as relevant as my Juicy tracksuit Plato’s Closet passed on last weekend. They dated for about nine months when Miley was 15, and broke up right before she went to film The Last Song. Some say they broke up because she rekindled her friendship with Nick Jonas, and I guess 20 year old Justin felt threatened by a 14-year-old boy with a straightening iron, but I think it’s because she realized he was going about as far as Nashville’s Broad Street. Last place for you, Justin.
5. Patrick Schwarzenegger
After Miley called off her engagement to Liam, she dated Patrick Schwarzenegger for about five months and, honestly, it’s a solid rebound. The boy is fiiiine in, like, a preppy, rich kid who will definitely keep your nudes for revenge porn kind of way. So snaps for you, Miley. They broke up after photos surfaced of Patrick hanging out with his ex, which feels very on brand for him personally. He gets fifth place because he reminds me of my ex while he’s p attractive he’s also probably a piece of sh*t and I’m not tolerating a**holes for one more godd*mn minute in 2018.
4. Stella Maxwell
I have nothing to say about this relationship mostly because I don’t think there was a relationship. There were rumors that Miley and Stella Maxwell were dating in 2015 because they made out a few times in public but, like, what’s your point? If I had to formally acknowledge every person I make out with I would legit need witness protection. Nah, I’m not buying it. This was also the year that Miley and Liam reconnected, so let’s call this what it is: too many vodka crans. Next.
3. Dylan Sprouse
Lol. I know, right? According to Popsugar the two dated for “a day when they were 11 or 12” and a day is all it takes for me to be jealous of any b*tch lucky enough to date a Sprouse. For those of you who read my Riverdale recaps, you know The CW has been making me feel things about a Sprouse that is legit making me question my mental health. And even though Miley only dated the twin whose most successful business venture since The Suite Life has been opening a “meadery” in Williamsburg, I’m still ridiculously jealous.
2. Liam Hemsworth
Technically, Liam was her ex at some point so he makes the list. He’s not number one because although I root for him, there’s someone else who tops the list. SORRY NOT SORRY. Which brings us to my favorite Miley ex…
1. Nick Jonas
Nick f*cking Jonas. That’s right, people, I still stan this relationship and I will stan this relationship until either one of them releases a song that’s better than “Before The Storm.” I’m sorry but “Standing out in the rain /Need to know if it’s over /Flooded with all this pain /Knowing that I’ll never hold her /Like I did before the storm”?? F*cking iconic. I don’t care that Nick gave his purity ring to Priyanka Chopra or that Miley and Liam have been together for ten years, 14 year old me is still hoping Disney will pull rank their contracts out and make them contractually obligated to write another teenage love ballad. PLEASE IT’S ALL I ASK FOR.
But, like, every happiness to you and Liam, Miley!
Images: Giphy (3); @mileymileys /Instagram (1)
Celebrities…they really aren’t just like us. “Oh, I have perfect skin from drinking lots of water and wearing sunscreen.” Bullshit. You get facials worth thousands of dollars and cake on La Mer. “I lost the baby weight because chasing my kids is a workout class on its own!” Oh please, you did two-a-day sessions with Kirk Myers or Gunnar Peterson and may or may not have had some lipo. But one thing that does humanize celebrities a little more? The embarrassing drunken celebrity hookups that they’d probably love to forget. And obviously, we’d love to remind them because sometimes those who have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame should be knocked down a few pegs by doing a walk of shame.
Mary-Kate Olsen and Kanye West
Ever since Mary-Kate’s relationship with Stavros Niarchos ended and Ashley and her college sweetheart broke up, the Olsen twins seem to have a type: much older rich dudes that are….well….ugly hot would be sugarcoating it, right? Kanye West’s type, on the other hand, is a lot more bootylicious. So Mary-Kate and Kanye must have been super drunk when, reportedly, they made out at Kanye’s birthday party over a decade ago, because they could not be more the opposite of each other’s types. Let’s hope that drunken makeout didn’t lead them to the bedroom, because Kanye seems like the kind of guy who says his own name during sex. But at least we now know why Kanye rapped, “Prince William ain’t doing it right if you ask me. If I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley.”
Paris Hilton and Jared Leto
Jared Leto seems like that guy who takes himself so seriously that he explains the *profound* meaning behind his tattoos even though you didn’t even ask. He seems like that kind of guy who will whip out an acoustic guitar at the most random of moments in group settings and start playing songs he wrote, coercing people into giving him halfhearted approval for his shitty lyrics. He’s that guy that closes his eyes and nods his head solemnly after he gives you unsolicited advice that is really just quotes he saw on Instagram. In other words? He has the charisma of a creepy cult leader, whereas Paris is so much like a Barbie doll come to life that she puts Tyra Banks in Life-Size to shame. So it makes zero sense that these two drunkenly made out at Sundance a decade ago. The only thing I can think of that these two have in common is that they were bonding over how they have the same hair colorist or facialist since they both clearly put in a lot of effort into their appearances. Hey Jared, I get my hair colored at IGK too. Does that mean I can drunkenly make out with you?
Selena Gomez and Orlando Bloom
The best kind of hookup is the revenge hookup. Okay, it’s not exactly healthy for the people involved, but that’s between them and their respective shrinks. From a gossip standpoint, though? It’s 24k gold. Miranda Kerr reportedly cheated on husband Orlando Bloom with Justin Bieber a while back. And that is just so…ew. Really? Sweetie, you’re more than a decade older than him and you’re married to one of the hottest B-list actors on the planet. I guess it’s true that when people cheat, they cheat down. Selena Gomez is no stranger to getting screwed over by Justin either, and she and Orlando must have bonded over that while partying at a Las Vegas nightclub, because what else would a Disney Channel star have to talk about with a man who’s 16 years older than her? They were photographed getting very touchy-feely with each other, and we all know there’s no such thing as a sober Las Vegas hookup, right? 
Scarlett Johansson and Benicio del Toro
Scarlett Johansson is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and Benicio del Toro…has his angles where he looks kinda good. Everyone knows that, besides the Golden Globes, the Oscars are the drunkest night of the year in Hollywood. So of course, that leads to drunken hookups. Back in 2004, Scarlett and Benicio reportedly had a drunken hookup in the elevator at the Chateau Marmont. Neither of them has confirmed it, but neither of them has denied it either. We’ll have to add elevator sex to our bucket list, because a quickie like that sounds kinda hot.
Scott Disick and Bella Thorne
Scott Disick is pretty much always drunk, so that means every hookup with Scott Disick is most likely a drunken hookup. But still, how random is it that he hooked up with Bella Thorne? Scott Disick and Bella Thorne had a drunken tryst at Cannes last year. It was pretty obvious from the paparazzi photos that they were all over each other and #whitegirlwasted. Bella denied hooking up with Scott, but we all know that based on the photographic evidence, that’s probably not true. Why else would you be holding hands outside of 1OAK, the club where celebrities and desperate basic bitches go just so they can be seen? We can’t believe we’re saying this, but this hookup makes us actually like Sofia and Scott together.
Liam Hemsworth and January Jones
Remember when Hollywood’s golden couple, Liam and Miley, first broke up? We try to forget because they’re so perfect for each other. But this was at the beginning of Miley’s wild stage—you know, when she would dry hump teddy bears on stage, barely wore any clothes, and would not keep her tongue inside her mouth? Towards the end of their relationship, Liam couldn’t keep his tongue inside his mouth either because he was busy at a Chateau Marmont party locking lips with January Jones. The party was sponsored by Grey Goose, so you know these two were definitely wasted. They were photographed leaving together, and that’s when the news broke that Miley and Liam were over. We’re glad she forgave him for cheating with January and we’re glad he forgave her for Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz.
Images: Giphy (3)
Whether you love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Personally, I think it’s the world’s stupidest holiday. Mainly because I have an icy black heart and mushy shit makes me want to jump off the fucking roof. But that’s just me. Regardless, it’s almost here, and in addition to tacky flower arrangements and teddy bears and chocolate, love movies are going to be everywhere, which means you’re not going to be able to escape all 5,000 of the depressing af Nicholas Sparks movies even if you try. So here you have it, a definitive ranking of every last one of his flicks, so when you’re flipping through the guide over the next two weeks you know which ones are worth watching, and when you should just settle for a Criminal Minds marathon instead.
11. Nights in Rodanthe
You’re probably thinking to yourself “what tf even is this?” but I promise this is actually a real movie and it’s actually terrible. If you’re craving a little Richard Gere and Diane Lane, do yourself a favor and rent Unfaithful instead. Or better yet, go back to your retirement home.
10. The Choice
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Okay, to be fair, I didn’t even see this one because it looked like literal garbage, but I do know it’s about two people who live next door to each other and fall in love and, in true Nicholas Sparks fashion, someone gets critically injured. Oh, and I can still hear the main dude saying “come bother me” in the trailer. Not sure what the movie’s namesake “choice” is, but I’d say that if you have the choice, skip this.
9. Message in a Bottle
This one actually isn’t as bad as the ranking makes it seem, but like, it’s so old and depressing and there’s really nothing that makes it stand out. Any movie with Kevin Costner in it where he’s not playing baseball is just fucking pointless, and any movie whose title immediately gets a song by The Police stuck in my head for the next three hours is an automatic no from me, dog.
8. The Best Of Me
Back when this came out, I had really high hopes for this one because James Marsden is bae, but it really fell flat. There’s nothing memorable, nothing terrible. It’s basically the movie equivalent of butterless, saltless, air-popped popcorn.
7. The Lucky One
Bonus points for Zac Efron also being bae and for Piper from OITNB being in it, negative points for their nonexistent chemistry. They’re both so hot. How tf was it so weird? Answer: It was like watching Zac Efron make out with his aunt. The only reason this pseudo-incest film didn’t rank lower is because there’s a shower makeout scene in which you can see a wet Zac Efron.
6. The Longest Ride
Tbh, I thought this one was going to be shit so I was never planning on watching until it was on HBO every other minute, so I figured why tf not. It was actually way better than expected. They’re both attractive and I have no clue who either one of them is, so the idea of these two nobodies being in a relationship was believable. The only thing that I could have done without is the whole bull riding thing—which I get is like, a big part of the plot, but I really DGAF about a country boy’s deep need to ride an animal that wants to kill him. And like honestly, can anyone with an education level beyond high school relate to this? Loss of points for niche redneck premise.
5. Dear John
Now we’re getting to the good shit. I could look at Channing Tatum all fucking day, especially in a uniform—so for if no other reason, this one is worth the watch because of that. It loses cred because there’s no way in hell Channing would obsess over Karen Smith for years, and there’s really no way Karen would dump him for some not hot dying dude while he was away at war. Nope. Not real. Dear John also sucks for inspiring a Taylor Swift song of the same name.
4. Safe Haven
This one gets less credit than it deserves. Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough are totally adorable. The storyline is actually somewhat exciting rather than just a cry-fest. And the twist at the end you never see coming. Did I just describe every Nicholas Sparks movie out there? Maybe.
3. The Last Song
Remember when Miley was a cute innocent teen from Tennessee with big teeth and a life that seemed relatively together? Yeah, me too. And you can reminisce when you watch The Last Song. But more importantly, this was the first real time I can remember that we were introduced to the younger Hemsworth brother. As for the movie, it’s got some classic Nicholas Sparks sadness but neither one of them dies so like, fine. Watch this and then cry-sing “The Climb” and try not to text your ex from high school.
2. A Walk to Remember
Get the tissues ready because this has to be one of the saddest movies you’ll ever see—besides My Dog Skip, but that’s for another time. It came out when we were all young little betches and we dreamed of scoring a popular bad boy like Shane West when we got to high school. Sure, Mandy Moore’s character was the nicegirl to end all nicegirls and a total Jesus freak (not to mention socially retarded and weird), but that song she sang at the school play was the fucking jam. Even if it was shadily Jesus-y, it was still the slow dance song we all wanted to hear at our middle school dance. And it would have almost gotten away with being the #1 Nicholas Sparks movie, if it wasn’t for…
1. The Notebook
Name a more iconic love story. I’ll wait. I’m not going to go into why this is No. 1 because if you disagree you can go shave your fucking back. Long live Allie and Noah.
