As the season turns from summer to fall, it’s still very unclear what’s happening with the future of Vanderpump Rules. In a normal year, the Vanderpump crew would already be finished with filming, but the pandemic has created a major delay, due to the flimsy premise that the show is about waiters at a restaurant. But a lack of cameras doesn’t mean it’s been a chill summer for our favorite group of degenerates—far from it.
As you probably know if you’re reading this article, Stassi, Lala, and Brittany are all currently pregnant, which is exciting for them, I guess. Personally, I have no interest in seeing any of these people have babies on my television screen, but whatever. I don’t make the decisions over at Bravo, despite making many demands via DM. I’m sure the ladies are all heartbroken that their pregnancy journeys aren’t being documented by Bravo, but they’re still having all the usual events, and they’re causing plenty of drama.
Lala and Randall held their gender reveal a couple weeks ago (it’s a girl), and Jax and Brittany did their reveal last weekend (it’s a boy). I’d like to use this platform to say once again that gender reveals are unnecessary and outdated, but that’s not why we’re here today, so I’ll keep it moving. While much of the VPR cast was present at both of the gender reveals, including Stassi and Kristen, who were both fired from the show back in June, there were a few important absences, and they didn’t go unnoticed.
First of all, Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix were conspicuously missing from both of the gender reveals, and Ariana addressed the situation this week on Twitter. In response to a question from a fan, Ariana stated that “we have not nor would we expect to be invited to any of those things.” LOL. It might seem shady that they weren’t invited, but judging from Ariana’s tone, she has no interest in having anything to do with “those things.”
we have not been nor would we expect to be invited to any of those things.
— Ariana Fancy As F*ck Madix (@ariana2525) September 28, 2020
Last season on VPR, we witnessed the lengthy demise of Tom’s friendship with Jax, and throughout the season, he and Ariana were the only ones who really seemed committed to holding Jax accountable for his many f*ck-ups. They certainly weren’t in a good place at the reunion in May, and Ariana’s tweet makes it clear that things haven’t improved over the summer. Honestly, without production forcing them to do things, I’m not sure why Tom would even want to be in the same room as Jax.
I am, however, a little surprised at the implication that Tom and Ariana were also not invited to Lala and Randall’s gender reveal. They’ve never been like, best friends or anything, but it seems like the kind of thing where you would just expect the whole group to be invited. Clearly, that’s not the case, and I would personally like to know more about WTF happened between these two couples. Ugh, every time I’m ready for this stupid show to be canceled, these people reel me back in with some drama that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
The other recent Vanderpump Rules drama revolves around Scheana, because of course it does. Scheana was present at Jax and Brittany’s reveal over the weekend, but didn’t make the guest list for Lala’s reveal. In a recent episode of her podcast, Scheana revealed that she wasn’t invited to the event after she and Lala had a falling out a few months ago. According to Scheana, the issue stemmed from when she had a miscarriage earlier this summer, saying, “I needed and she wasn’t there because she had dinner with celebrities.” The celebrities in question are Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox, who just finished shooting a movie with Lala’s fiancé, Randall. Scheana also added that her boyfriend Brock was out playing golf during this difficult time, so she was at home alone.
Lala, who has never taken kindly to having her name thrown around, responded to Scheana’s comments in a heated Instagram story. She said of Scheana’s story, “In her mind that’s how it happened,” but suggested that she focus on “the fact her man said he was working, turned his phone off and went golfing that day.” Yikes. But despite saying that she was “not trippin too hard” about Scheana’s comments, Lala did not stop there.
In regards to the idea that she chose celebrities over Scheana, Lala accused her co-star of “capitalizing off banging John Mayer 100 years ago,” which I have to say is an epic read. In case you forgot, Scheana recently told a story about how she used to be in a throuple with John Mayer and Stacie Adams (Stacie the bartender from The Hills). Lala also said that Scheana “has a way of making everything about her,” and said that she never actually asked her to come over during the miscarriage situation.” Whatever the exact truth of that day may be, it’s clear that there are some major issues between these two, so it makes sense that Scheana says they “haven’t really talked” in the last few months.
I hate to say it, but it’s a shame that cameras haven’t been rolling to capture any of this drama. I don’t need to see anyone’s babies, but I do need to see Lala yelling at Scheana about banging John Mayer for clout. What can I say? I love mess.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; ariana2525 / Twitter
I simply must be honest with you all, I feel as though I’m going soft. I know that the general temperature of Reddit, Bravo Facebook groups, and my esteemed colleague and Bravo expert Dylan Hafer seems to be that this season of Vanderpump Rules is trash. But honestly? I find myself liking it. Sure, the subplot between Dayna and whichever TomTom server she’s chosen that week is fake AF. Sure, we don’t care about Jax and Brittany’s wedding. But you know what I cared about even less? The emotional abuse cycle of Jax cheating on Brittany and generally treating her like sh*t and then gaslighting her for being upset about it. Katie and Tom’s Bubba circle-jerk. Lala going on and on about how she likes to please “her man”.
For all its flaws, Vanderpump Rules could certainly be a lot worse this season. Just remember that, lest we piss off the Bravo gods with our complaining, and they give us three more seasons of Dayna pretending to be interested in Brett or Max. The reality is, this show is too far gone to ever return to its days when the producers would literally sit back and watch these degenerates tear each other to shreds. The show’s too big now, and (some of) the cast are at least a little conscious of their public perception.
So with that honors thesis out of the way, let’s get into this week’s episode.
The episode kicks off with Dayna and Brett at a fake bartending school, where they are being taught how to mix drinks by a 12-year-old. (Or at least, he looks like one.) Which is oddly fitting considering Dayna says that being a bartender is “in her blood” since her mom was a bartender who taught her to make dirty martinis when she was eight years old. I mean, something is in her blood—I’m just not sure it’s bartending.
Apparently Schwartz really did lose the marriage certificate again, but not to worry—the Vegas chapels probably know that everyone getting married on their premises and can no longer hold onto their dignity, let alone a piece of paper, so they sent it in on their behalf. Honestly, though, I stand by my sentiment that I would take two failed marriage certificates as a sign from the Universe not to go through with it.
Stassi’s still taking jabs at Beau because he hasn’t proposed yet. Stassi is also mad at Kristen because, basically, Kristen still wants to be Beau’s number one, not considering that that would be wildly inappropriate considering 1) Beau is now dating her good friend, and 2) Kristen has f*cked Stassi’s ex before. Can you wonder why Beau would be extra cautious around Kristen? It’s so Stassi doesn’t, to quote Lala, “pop him”.
Kristen says that she, Stassi, and Kristen built their wine company “from the ground up.” Ah yes, the American Dream! Building a wine company from nothing but the backs of your Instagram followings that were in turn built off the backs of you being cast on a wildly successful reality TV show! Pretty sure that’s what my grandparents left Italy for.
Actually, remember what I said about how this season is a bit of fresh air from the past season’s regurgitated drama? I take it all back because Scheana’s talking to Lisa about her egg retrieval, once again insisting how she’s “not looking for a relationship” and “just having fun being single” and whatever party line she’s been toting out since the last season ended and she got mocked by the whole internet for how she behaved with Adam. Why don’t I buy what Scheana’s trying to sell me? Is it because I’m judging her on past behavior too much and assuming people are incapable of change? Or is it because the lady truly doth protest too much?
Whatever the reason, Lisa isn’t buying it either, and I can at least be comforted knowing I’m not alone. And the fact that it took Lisa straight-up saying to Scheana’s face that she thinks she’s full of sh*t to get her to admit that her revolving door of men have actually f*cked her up, kind of proves that I was right all along. Vindication!
Between Scheana being upset that her booty calls have not called to check in on her after her egg retrieval surgery and the fact that she busted her knee open after razor scootering, I’ve gotta say, it feels like Old Scheana is back. Is her tooth still gray? Give it one more episode and we’ll get the chunky glasses back. Damn, I forgot how entertaining that Scheana was. I’m actually surprised she’s not walking around on crutches right now.
Scheana tells Dayna that she saw a psychic, and she hired that psychic to have Dayna’s mom come through for her birthday. Oh wow that is so wildly inappropriate that I can’t help but crack up to myself.
Dayna: You’ve never lost a parent
Scheana: I know, but my mom has.
Scheana… my god… you are so stupid. Her need to constantly relate everything back to herself is almost pathological.
This really brings me back to the days when Scheana would needle Shay, a known opioid addict, into drinking because she didn’t want to be married to someone who couldn’t have a few drinks with her.
And even better? Scheana was going to spring this psychic on Dayna THAT VERY SECOND. And she tries to play it off to Dayna like “omg no she’s totally not waiting outside your apartment, I wasn’t going to just have her knock on your door, omg lol can you imagine? Hahaha” but then she proceeds to shut the psychic down… OUTSIDE OF DAYNA’S APARTMENT. Lol, I don’t know if Scheana is truly the most insensitive person alive, or if the producers put her up to this and did her extremely dirty. Listening to her try to play the semantics game that she didn’t have the psychic outside waiting (she was only technically on her way to Dayna’s apartment at the time Dayna asked if she was going to knock on her door) is leading me to believe the former.
In a grim turn of events, Beau reveals to Lisa that he isn’t planning on having Kristen be present at Stassi’s engagement. If he really doesn’t invite her, he might as well enter the Witness Protection Program.
All the new people are at some club, and Dayna’s resorted to her flirting strategy of just showering Brett with compliments and blowing up his ego. If that’s what you need to get a man, I will forever be single, and I’m cool with that tbh.
Oh my god if I could buy an Emmy I would personally empty my bank account to give it to the producer who precipitated this exchange:
Brett: Where I’m from if you and your friend have sex with the same girl, it’s ok.
Producer: And where are you from?
Bretty: Jersey
That’s it, guys. We did it. End the episode here. It’s not going to get any better than this.
Even the new girls have already clued into the fact that Scheana never keeps the same story because she’s worried about looking bad. Damn, it only took them like, a few weeks? They really are smarter than the rest of the cast.
James and Lala are back in the studio, much to the dismay of… anyone with ears. They actually have a pretty productive conversation about sobriety. Also, does having a stress dream about having gotten f*cked up mean I have a drinking problem? Whatever, I’ve only had one today. One… shelf.
Finally we get some back alley action at SUR (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) when Brett goes out to talk to Scheana. She’s salty that she’s been blowing up his phone and he didn’t text her back. Scheana! He does not have to answer every single one of your texts! He’s not your boyfriend.
Scheana definitely has a point that she shouldn’t bother with friendships in which she puts in all the effort. However, there’s no point in announcing to someone that you’re dropping them as a friend because they don’t put in effort. You just stop putting in the effort and let the friendship fade.
But then Brett tag teams Dayna in, and she’s not over the psychic. I wouldn’t be either, and I wouldn’t even try to be friends with someone that out of touch with reality. I know, I wouldn’t last a second on this show.
It says a lot that Kristen is physically helping set up the wine party and Stassi and Katie just waltz in and start drinking. But honestly… a mood.
This Us Weekly reporter is gonna be so pissed when she watches this season and realizes that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen lied to every single question she asked them in this interview. Lol.
Danica pitches a SUR vs. TomTom softball game, which will be a fun fake plotline later on in the season.
Also, Max comes up to Dayna to basically tell her that he’s pissed about the Brett thing, but they’re both “moving on” and “ready to be friends.” K, sure Jan.
This whole thing of Ariana and Lala talking about why they’re still friends with James does not interest me, so I’m just going to watch IG Stories.
Whoops, I watched Insta stories for too long and almost missed Stassi talking to Beau about how they’re going mausoleum shopping tomorrow (???) when he’s actually going to be popping the question next episode. But was it worth the constant complaining, Beau? WAS IT?? Because I don’t think it was. Stassi, once again, is talking about how she’s over Kristen as a friend. Beau asks her like, one follow-up question and she immediately starts crying.
Me:
Anyway, this is awkward because wine-drunk Kristen goes up to Beau to ask if they’re still friends. Beau actively tries to avoid saying he can’t be friends with her anymore because Stassi doesn’t like her, but Kristen pokes at it until he’s basically forced to admit the truth.
Stassi comes up and tries to pull rank that Beau is her boyfriend, and Kristen just says “this is inappropriate for a wine party” and walks away. Lol. This leads me to wonder what would be appropriate for a wine party? It’s a wine party. I feel like anything goes.
Stassi goes completely ballistic, and ah yes, this is Old Stassi. Damn, first Old Scheana, now Old Stassi? What an episode. Yeah, she’s back on her hive mind bullsh*t where nobody she associates with is allowed to be cool with anyone she doesn’t like. In fact, if you don’t wish ill upon whoever Stassi doesn’t like at the moment, you’re dead to her. Remember Lala circa… up until this past season when she gave them rides on the private jet? Beau, if you would so much as piss on Kristen if she were on fire, Stassi will torpedo your entire relationship.
Stassi gives Beau an ultimatum that he should either go home with her or Kristen. Bud, you might want to rethink that proposal tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to Stassi all summer, and then she wouldn’t have freaked out in a tornado of insecurity. Ya hate to see it!
Images: Bravo; Giphy
Well, I might perish from the coronavirus any day now, but still, I continue to write these recaps. (That’s a lie, I don’t even have a cold.) But if I do have to go into self-imposed quarantine, I guess that will give me much more time to write about our favorite band of servers! I suppose there’s a silver lining to everything.
Last week, everyone arrived in Kentucky for Jax and Brittany’s wedding week. Do you think after the wedding they’ll be like, “how could you do this (i.e. call me out for a legitimate wrongdoing), on the week after my wedding”? Actually, why am I even asking that question? Jax and Brittany are going to be with their wedding how most white women are with their babies: Oh, it’s only 26 months old!
This week, we open up at Jax and Brittany’s rehearsal. Jax and Brittany start giving a speech, when a fake detective shows up, because this is not just an engagement party—it’s a fake murder mystery whodunit party.
We need to get Michael Scarn on this case.
After the game (which Lala nailed and Stassi overthought, to try to prove to everyone how much she really loves murder… somebody tell her real detectives know about Occam’s razor), Lala, Stassi, and Katie are talking sh*t about Kristen. Kristen comes over and says “what are you guys talking about?” and Lala, ever the G, says “you.” Kristen, trying to project self-confidence but failing miserably, says, “I love that.”
Kristen says Carter is her best friend, conveniently forgetting all the times he’s treated her like sh*t and screamed at her and whatever. And also forgetting her actual best friends, who are sitting two feet in front of her. And no, I didn’t have to recount Carter’s horribleness for myself, because the Bravo editors (who, tbh, are now going borderline overboard this season) have inserted a convenient little flashback to all the times Carter treated Kristen worse than I treat random people on the subway whom I know I’ll never see again.
Kristen tries to read everyone one by one. She says that Lala is a bitch, Stassi doesn’t care about anyone’s problems (I couldn’t actually hear what she said because Katie immediately started yelling “you’re an obnoxious bitch” over her), and Brittany comes running over to tell everyone to stop fighting.
At SUR, some random girl (Adriana?) asks Dayna what’s up with Max. They also show a flashback in which he compliments her, but solely her makeup/beauty routine. I’m just trying to get a guy who will notice my haircut, but ok. Adriana tells Dayna that she saw Max with a girl, and they seemed “friendly”. Adriana and Danica found the girl on Instagram (her name is Olivia), and she’s wearing a Pride shirt that Max gave her. Ah, giving a TomTom Pride shirt—the true marker of a serious relationship.
Shockingly, everyone ended up being right about Max. Ya hate to see it.
Two nights before Jax’s wedding, he is NOT going out, but staying in to like, ruminate on his life. Is this…. is this… growth?
Throwing in my favorite gif for good measure, even though we are about to see that it’s not really applicable here:
Kristen is now crying to Beau like “you’re my boy, Blue Beau”. Beau literally has to explain the concept to her that you can’t pay as much attention to your friends as you do to your significant others. Kristen’s crying that nobody ever calls her up to ask her if she’s okay, and it’s like the whole cast has just learned what us viewers have known since the dawn of this show: that every single person on it is self-absorbed as all f*ck.
Kristen really wants us all to throw her a pity parade because she can’t decide how she feels about Carter long enough to break up with him or get back together one way or the other. And to that I say:
You gotta love people who create their own problems and then get mad at everybody else for not coddling them through their self-imposed dilemmas. If I were friends with Kristen, I would have murdered her six episodes ago. (I’m a great friend, I swear! I’m very fun at brunch.)
Everyone except Jax is hungover the next day, and to be honest, “I did not mean to get that drunk last night” should just be emblazoned on Schwartz’s tombstone at this point.
Lala comes to Kristen and Scheana’s room, and Kristen just straight-up ignores Lala. Ironically, Kristen says of all her friends refusing to baby her, “I’m so tired of it.” Oh, you’re tired? I don’t even know any of you, and I’m f*cking exhausted.
Ewww, apparently Kristen will sh*t talk Stassi to Beau?
The funny thing to me is that Stassi is ready to be done with Kristen forever because she’s just now realizing she’s a psychopath. I guess it’s only ok when Kristen is flying girls in from Miami and punching James at weddings—in other words, when she’s only being a psycho in other people’s relationships, and it’s fun and dramatic. Not when it’s actually like, emotionally laborious.
We learn that Schwartz did the most Schwartzy thing ever and lost his own marriage license, meaning that Katie and Schwartz have not technically been married this entire time. Just throw out season 5, that was a complete waste of time.
Jax: But how do you do your taxes?
Schwartz: What are ta…. taxes?
I f*cking love that Katie trusted Schwartz with, like, the only actual important part of the wedding (making sure they are, ya know, legally married), and Schwartz could not even manage to keep track of one piece of paper. ONE. This is the ultimate “you had one job!”
Scheana’s lost her voice, probably from screaming ” IS MY BEST FRIEND!” to nobody who asked. They’re talking about James and Raquel and how James agreed to go to an AA meeting, and Lala agrees to reach out to James to talk to him about it. Can’t wait to see how little time it will take him to say something offensive to Lala and nuke that olive branch of friendship right into the ground.
Kristen’s moved on to Stassi’s mom, now that she’s officially tapped the Weho Sympathy Well. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more bleak.
Speaking of Weho, Max goes over to Dayna’s apartment. The great thing about this scene is he probably thinks he’s getting laid, when we all know he’s walking into an ambush. *Rubs hands together excitedly like Mr. Burns*
Dayna starts off real subtle, like “is there anything you need to tell me?” Max obviously says no. Dayna’s like “so you’re not exclusively dating this girl?” And shows him her phone.
Max starts spinning in circles trying to make up excuses, being like “well, I dunno, she just moved to LA because I like, told her that would be cool and I’d be excited to hang out with her when she got here, how is it my fault that she moved to LA and is trying to hang out with me now?”
I’m f*cking impressed that Dayna had the strength to end their sh*t right then and there…. and then dipped his necklace in toilet water AND THEN KITTY LITTER before giving it back to him. Carrie Underwood called, she said she’s writing this into the remix of “Before He Cheats”.
Lisa ends up making Jax and Brittany’s wedding because her mother’s funeral ended up getting delayed. Jax and Lisa are having a heart-to-heart and whatever, and he starts choking up about not having any parents at his wedding. I think I speak for all of us when I say: BUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR MOM? The people demand the full story!
Meanwhile, Beau has joined a flash mob at the Pride parade. Or is it a zumba class? I’m unclear. Anyway, I would probably do the same thing if I were trapped in the same room as Kristen and she was cry-screaming at me.
At TomTom, Max is filling in James on the Dayna situation. He says everything would have been fine if everyone stayed out of their business, conveniently forgetting that if he hadn’t done anything, there would have been no business for anyone to get into. But sure, blame it on the women. Also, James doesn’t want to go to an AA meeting. Who’s shocked? Nobody? Bueller? Ok good, moving on.
Jax and Brittany come back from the party, have a whole conversation about how Jax is about to stop drinking because they are getting married in the morning, and then they both go, “Okay, let’s go party some more.” I know how this is going to end, and it’s with Schwartz going missing on the roof all day.
Brittany told everyone to bring onesies. Beau shows up in a full knight costume. Kristen is basically getting naked. She’s going to be realllly fun at the wedding!
I actually can’t believe they are partying this hard the night before the wedding. All I’d be doing would be taking a xanax and passing out at 9pm. Don’t you have to be up early for hair and makeup? Being hungover at my own wedding sounds like a waking nightmare.
Brittany: I hope Jax isn’t drinking right now
Cut to: Jax ladling mystery alcohol to the face. This is hurting even me.
Then we get a montage of Jax calling Brittany his best friend and partner in crime, which I suppose does track because he did steal those sunglasses that time in Hawaii.
It looks like next week will be Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and then we’ll finally be home free! …Until Lala’s wedding and Stassi’s engagement. But still, silver linings!
Images: Giphy (3), Tenor (2)
If you’re keeping up with Vanderpump Rules this season, you’ll know that we’re still stuck in the never-ending barrage of Brittany and Jax wedding content, but the real drama is going down outside of the show. In recent episodes, we’ve seen tensions start to brew between Tom Sandoval and Ariana and the rest of the cast, and things got real on Instagram over the weekend. I love when reality TV feuds come to life. In a recent Instagram Live, Lala Kent totally came for Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix, and this sh*t is officially getting serious.
In case you need a refresher, in the last few weeks of Pump Rules, Ariana has opened up about her mental health struggles, and on social media, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. On the show, she’s told some of her castmates about her suicidal ideations, and that she doesn’t always feel like the group is a safe space for her to be open about her feelings. It’s been a refreshingly honest, real storyline in a season full of princess parties and fake dates, and Ariana should definitely be commended for starting this important conversation.
But not everyone in the cast has been so supportive. In a recent interview with Entertainment Tonight, Tom Sandoval called out Lala specifically, saying, “It’s frustrating to see somebody like Lala, who’s like one second totally OK with people saying mean nasty things about Ariana that are completely not true and talking negatively about her and then sort of getting emotional and saying like, ‘This is a safe place.’ It’s like, girl you are not—you are apparently not a safe place.”
Damn. Tom is essentially accusing Lala of being a fake friend to Ariana, and going against her after encouraging her to be open and honest. This is a pretty serious accusation, but even just from what we’ve seen on the show, it doesn’t totally come out of nowhere. On last week’s episode, Lala was basically gossiping about Ariana’s mental health, just days after Ariana completely broke down when confiding in her and Stassi. Lala also called Ariana a “wet blanket” in the same episode, so yeah, I wouldn’t say she’s been the world’s most supportive friend.
Not shockingly, Lala was not so thrilled to hear Tom Sandoval’s comments, and she hopped on Instagram Live to address her feelings toward Tom and Ariana. “For them to sit there and act like it’s everyone else’s fault—y’all are not the safe space.” Here’s a clip from the video, where she talks about the pain of losing her dad, and says that she’s not afraid to pop off this season (you knew she couldn’t get mad at anybody without using the phrase “pop off”), even though she’s sober now. Clearly, Tom Sandoval is tryna get popped, and Lala is happy to oblige.
In the full Instagram Live, she continued, saying that when her dad died, Tom and Ariana both told her to “toughen the f*ck up,” and that she feels like he’s just “feeling unsafe in your own skin and you’re projecting it onto me. I’ll be damned if someone doesn’t feel safe around me.”
She continued, sticking up for herself as a friend, and basically saying that Tom and Ariana haven’t done enough to help her in the past: “I don’t want to be struggling, drowning, for you to, like, wake the f*ck up to see if I’m good. So, there’s my spill on Tom and Ariana. I am a f*cking safe place. I’m a good ass friend.” The irony of Lala not wanting to be drowning for her friends to check on her, when Ariana had to explicitly tell her that she was so depressed for Lala to stop calling her a buzzkill is too much.
In his comments to ET, Tom had said that Lala’s previous comments about him and Ariana hurt his feelings. In response, Lala finished off her Live by giving Tom a taste of his own (alleged) medicine: “How about this? Toughen the f*ck up. I’m leavin’ it at that, y’all.” OOF.
To be honest, I’m not really sure whose side I’m supposed to be on here. Obviously, telling someone to “toughen the f*ck up” after they lose a parent is seriously not okay, but that also doesn’t give Lala a free pass to make light of Ariana’s mental health situation. Really, I think the verdict here is that no one is in the right, which is pretty much par for the course when talking about the Vanderpump Rules cast. Like, I don’t watch the show because I think they’re all perfect angels—pretty much the opposite.
I don’t know how much, if any, of this budding feud will play out on camera for the rest of the season, but I hope we get to see more of the tensions between Lala and Tom/Ariana. The mental health stuff is tough to watch, but it’s certainly more interesting than seeing Brittany and Jax on a permanent power trip about their wedding week/month/year/decade. Remind me again why I still religiously watch this dumpster fire of a show?
Images: JNAM / Shutterstock; facereality16 / Instagram
As a self-confessed Bravoholic, I revel in the happenings on our favorite Bravo shows, whether it’s the idiocy of Puppygate in last season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or the garbage men that run rampant on every season of Southern Charm. And while I know a mother isn’t supposed to reveal her favorite child, I must confess that Vanderpump Rules is my personal jewel in the crown. From the moment it premiered seven years ago, the show has given us more drama than any scripted series ever could and a cast of beautiful surgically-enhanced train wrecks you can’t tear your eyes away from. In honor of the premiere of Vanderpump Rules season 8, I’ve rounded up the most under-appreciated moments of the series.
8. Scheana’s Crop Top Wedding Dress
Ms. Scheana Marie Jancan Shay is known for her many misguided choices. These usually involve men who are unavailable, either because they’re married or vying for camera time simply not that into her. However, the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done on the show was wear a crop top wedding gown in season 3. I’d describe it for you, but I’ll leave it to Stassi, who summed it up better than I ever could:
7. Story Time With Lala
Lala Kent is nothing if not an enigma. One minute, she’s masquerading as the show’s feminist hero, and the next she is completely unaware of what cis privilege means. In a scene from season 4 that is not discussed nearly enough, she beautifully showcases this when talking about the book she’s currently reading: “I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It’s a philosophical book and it’s about architecture and architects.” Sounds like the book report of a 9-year-old who didn’t read the book and put the movie on in the background while texting, but sure. I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to “get popped.”
6. Ariana, Feminist Hero
Season 7 was a breakout season for Ariana, not only because she showed us she’s more intelligent than her fellow SURvers by leaps and bounds, but also because she’s been open and honest about her sexuality and stood up for her trans castmate, Billie Lee. I especially appreciated her candor on being reluctant to get married and have children despite constant questions and pressure from the other cast members, including her own boyfriend: “Before I would even be comfortable considering the idea of having kids, I would need to check off all the places I wanna go in the world, which is kind of all of them. And I would also just like, I don’t know, want to?” Sorry Lala, but this is actually what a feminist looks like.
5. The Number One Guy In This Group
There’s never been anyone on television quite like Jason Michael Cauchi Jax Taylor. In season 4 he proved that his words could be just as unpredictable as his behavior during a conversation with Schwartz and Sandoval about Schwartz and Katie’s dysfunctional relationship. Schwartz gets up to take a break from the drama, and Jax utters the following to Sandoval in a glorious coke-induced rage: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the number one f*cking guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group!” The seriousness with which he delivers this absurd proclamation, with not even an iota of irony, is nothing short of magical.
4. James Kennedy’s Impersonations
Love him or hate him, James has delivered some of the best lines on this show (“PUMP-TINI!” “It’s not about the pasta!”). But less acknowledged and equally hysterical are his impressions of his fellow castmates. His impersonation of Stassi on the ground, literally “crawling back from New York” on the season 5 reunion was so hilarious that even Stassi couldn’t help but laugh. My personal favorite, however, is his reenactments of both Brittany and Jax reacting to the revelation of the infamous Jax-Faith recording. His “WHHHYYY?!?” is enough to convince me that he should star in the next reboot of A Streetcar Named Desire. Don’t @ me.
3. Sandoval’s Dramatic Drag Show
Joint bachelor/bachelorette parties are rarely a good idea, especially when the couple in question transforms into the worst versions of themselves after a couple shots of tequila. That said, we’re forever indebted to Katie and Schwartz for giving us what is perhaps Sandoval’s most melodramatic moment on this show, which is saying something. The image of him dressed in drag like a bootleg Sia and referring to his best friend as a “battered wife!” will forever be etched in the darkest recesses of my brain. The juxtaposition of his insane getup and the earnestness of his message is more than any of us deserve. We really are living in the golden age of television.
2. Jax and Faith’s Captive Audience
When it came out that Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, the rest of the cast was downright shocked. Maybe it was because they collectively bought into the storyline genuinely believed that Jax was a changed man (LOL). However, not one person brought up the most horrifying detail of the encounter: that this all went down while Faith was inexplicably charged with the live-in care for a 95-year-old woman. Umm, WTF?! I can’t even begin to fathom how Faith was approved for this gig in the first place. We can only hope the poor woman was hopped up on one of her prescriptions and slept through this heinous encounter.
Actual footage of me watching this episode:
1. The Montages
The Vanderpump Rules editors (and Bravo editors in general) are the true unsung heroes of the show. They’re our Greek chorus, always ready to point out the cast’s lack of self-awareness, whether it’s a montage of every moment Sandoval got emotional during the entire run of the series, Kristen’s seasonal psychotic breaks, or the 48 tequila shots Schwartz took in Mexico leading him to wander off to a completely different hotel. Editors, we thank you for your service.
Of course, there are far too many gems that could’ve been included, but I have a day job and some semblance of a life. What underrated Vanderpump Rules moments did I miss (other than “Suck a dick,” “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it” and “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio”—none of those are underrated). Let me know in the comments!
Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; Giphy (4); Tenor (2); Adderall and Compliments (2); badgalriri / Instagram
I have aged approximately 56 years since the original #FoftyGate, when 50 Cent posted on Instagram one Friday in April about how Lala Kent’s fiancé, Randall Emmett, owed him a million dollars. 50 (Fifty? Fitty? Fif?) demanded Randall pay him back the money he was owed by Monday, which spawned the phrase “Money by Monday”, which was silk screened onto T-shirts and used as hashtags across the nation. Vanderpump Rules fans and 50 Cent followers alike spent the entire weekend waiting to see if Randall would pay back the money by Monday (spoiler alert: he did, or at least, 50 claimed he did). It was a glorious weekend, and I’m pleased to report that it’s one that is repeating itself, as 50 Cent has once again taken aim at Lala and Randall—although, this time, it doesn’t have anything to do with money, or Randall, and everything to do with Lala.
Foftygate 2.0 started on Friday, when Lala Kent appeared on Watch What Happens Live! and a caller asked about Lala’s relationship with Fifty after Randall paid him back. Lala started by saying she listened to “In da Club” on her birthday, and then she revealed, “I think I really dinged Fofty’s ego. In fact, I know that because I have the receipt to prove that, that I would never post because I ain’t that girl.” She followed that up by saying, “I ain’t beefing unless I’m getting paid on Vanderpump, yo.”
If you’ll recall, Lala, who is from Utah, has previously said that the spirit of Tupac Shakur inhabits her body (because he doesn’t have anything better to do in the afterlife), and she is apparently still clinging to this narrative. On WWHL, she also went on to jokingly compare her beef with Fifty to the infamous Tupac and Biggie feud of the 90s.
Fofty found out pretty much right away and was not happy about this. He first shared a screenshot of a Hollywood Life writeup of Lala’s interview, writing in the caption, “What’s wrong with this hoe… now don’t say she didn’t ask for it when I started tripping.”
Then he immediately followed that up with a screenshot from an UsWeekly article in which Lala revealed that she hit rock bottom on a trip to Disney World with Randall and his daughters, confessing that she was drunk for four days straight. I feel like I remember Lala talking about this on Vanderpump Rules (or maybe all her rock bottom stories just bleed together, I don’t know), but yikes. She was drunk for four days in front of his daughters? At Disney World, presumably on rides? That’s a big ol’ yikes.
Still, though, as much as I live for pettiness, it’s f*cked up for Fofty to make fun of Lala’s drinking issues when she has publicly been pretty open about the fact that she has a problem.
Then, he posted another picture, of Lala and Randall in bed together, with the caption, “Randell: I’m sorry Fofty this bitch is drunk and high. I told her put that damn phone down she don’t listen.?50:Shut the fuck up Randell.?”
So 50 has graduated from posting text screenshots to just recapping them in the captions? That’s what I’m guessing he means by this. Is he claiming that Lala is drinking and on drugs again? This is all a lot, and I am frankly upset that Fofty hasn’t given us the full picture here. Also, it’s hilarious to me that these guys are supposedly friends, and yet Fifty still can’t be bothered to spell Randall’s name right.
He followed that up with a photo of Lala and Randall in which Lala looks like she just came back from a fresh fillers appointment, and Randall looks like his typical mix of confused and serious.
I mean, yeah whatever Randall has some loose neck skin, but cut the guy a break. He’s like, 50 years old.
THENNN things started to get really good. Fofty posted a couple videos of Lala discussing, on camera, how she and Randall met. In case you didn’t have to watch the clip 32 times throughout last season of Vanderpump Rules, the gist is basically a #MeToo nightmare: Randall saw Lala working, sent his assistant to ask if she was an actress, got her an audition, had sex with her that night, and gave her the part and a Range Rover the next day.
At this point, I really don’t know what Fofty is getting at with this. It seems like he’s trying to shame Lala for something that she has been very open and shameless about in the first place, so I feel like it’s not going to work. Also, should Lala really be shamed for this, or should we be shaming Randall, who kind of used his power as a producer to sleep with an aspiring actress and reward her with a part in a movie? Just because they’re getting married doesn’t make it any less sketch.
It’s also not clear what 50 wants out of this situation—unlike last time, we don’t have a clean-cut #MoneyByMonday deadline. Maybe he wants an apology? For Lala to take back what she said? I have a feeling Lala is going to walk these statements back real quick, because for all her talk about “popping” people who challenge her, at the end of the day, she talks a big game but can’t back it up.
Images: 50cent / Instagram; Shutterstock
It’s been less than 48 hours since Foftygate came to its dramatic conclusion, with Randall Emmett getting 50 Cent his money by Monday, and all of the menacing Instagram posts being taken down. It was an intense weekend, and honestly, I miss the drama. I’m glad Randall didn’t have a heart attack, but I was seriously enjoying 50 Cent just massively trolling Lala and Randall on Instagram. Without Foftygate in my life, things lack meaning, and every time I refresh Instagram, I’m just greeted by obnoxious photos of Bachelor contestants hawking Flat Tummy Tea. Sad times.
But maybe the fallout from Foftygate isn’t completely over. Now, 50 Cent only wishes the best to Randall and his family, and Rand seems to be on the same page. Late last night, Rand took to the ‘gram and addressed the drama of this weekend in a hilariously casual way.
Randall: Yo Fif, man, that was so crazy how you basically threatened me on Instagram for three days, and then I paid you a million dollars, and now you”re not threatening me anymore. Wow! I mean man, just crazy stuff. Best of luck bro!
Me:
So aside from the fact that Randall seems content to ignore the fact that this man put him in the ER just a few days ago, it seems like things are going well! Or maybe not. On Tuesday, Lala Kent threw everything we know into question, when she removed nearly all of the photos of Randall from her Instagram feed. Bum bum BUM. Obviously, this can’t be a good sign for any relationship, but Lala and Rand have always been weird about their public relationship together. Of course, when they first got together, he was still technically married, leading Lala to make up all sorts of wild excuses for why no one had met her Man™️. And as I noted before, they don’t follow each other on Instagram, because they say it’s toxic for their relationship. Weird, but whatever.
As of right now, this is the only picture of Randall that’s still on Lala’s feed:
This is from their engagement party, and I can’t decide if Lala left it up on purpose, or if she just didn’t realize what it was because it’s so dark. Another important thing to note is that Lala changed her Insta profile picture to just a black circle. Assuming that this isn’t Lala trying to rebrand before dropping an album (please no), what is this dark phase that Lala’s Instagram is going through? I was honestly starting to get worried, but then I watched Lala’s story. And Tom Schwartz’s story. And looked at Randall’s feed. And guess what?
LALA AND RANDALL WERE HANGING OUT LAST NIGHT.
That’s right. Just hours after the mysterious deletion of all of the Instagram posts, Lala and Randall were casually hanging out with the Pump Rules crew at Katie and Tom Schwartz’s new house. The girls are apparently getting ready to go on a trip to France, and they were all hanging out before hand. Stassi and Beau were also there, and it looks like everyone was having a great time.
First, let me say that the house looks gorgeous. I wouldn’t normally expect Katie and Schwartz to be bastions of good taste, so I’m proud of them. But more importantly, Lala and Randall are definitely together!! Not only are they hanging out and looking happy, but Randall directly refers to Lala as his “fiancé” in the caption! Sure, he used the male form of fiancé, but it’s the thought that counts. None of these people are geniuses.
So, no thanks to Lala, it seems like reports of their split have been greatly exaggerated. Looks like Lala won’t have to give new BJs for new PJs after all. I’m glad Lala and Randall’s relationship seems to be intact, at least for now, but Lala might want to keep the shopping in Paris to a minimum, considering that Randall is a million dollars poorer than he was last week. The new Chanel bags will just have to wait.
Images: Shutterstock; @randallemmettfilms (2), @lalakent / Instagram; Giphy
This weekend, the internet has been abuzz, talking about one of the biggest, most important crossover events in entertainment history. Unexpected relationships have emerged, there have been mind-bending plot twists, and someone might not make it out alive. Overall, the stakes have never felt higher. No, I’m not talking about Avengers: Endgame, I’m talking about the epic social media feud of 50 Cent vs. Lala Kent and Randall Emmett.
The feud first emerged out of nowhere on Friday, when 50 Cent posted a Vanderpump Rules clip on Instagram. In the video, Lala explains to Stassi how she met Randall and “let him hit it the first night,” and that after that he would buy her lots of expensive gifts. If you’re an avid VPR viewer, then this story isn’t new or shocking to you, but what does it have to do with 50 Cent? For a moment, I was excited to have another celeb on board with watching the greatest television show of our generation, but things turned dark very quickly.
50 Cent’s post and caption about sucking a dick for a Range Rover seemed random, but then Lala clapped back in the comments, in a way that made it clear there was something deeper going on here. To be honest, Lala rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but this is my favorite side of her. Can you imagine anyone else from this show going off on 50 Cent like this? Nope. Still, her clap back isn’t the best re: toxic masculinity, and she also quickly deleted her comment. I already have so many questions here, and we’re not even close to done.
Meanwhile, James and Stassi both sounded off in the comments of this post, but with very different messages. James basically indicated that he’s grabbing the popcorn to watch all of this go down, which seems like a really bitchy thing to do. He and Lala aren’t close like they used to be, but she’s really done nothing to deserve this treatment from him. On the other hand, Stassi stood by her girl Lala, which I respect.
After Lala’s clap back, I was wondering if we would hear any more about this, but then things just got more personal. 50 posted a screenshot of his texts with “Randell,” in which he is pleading with 50 to stop texting him and leave him alone. He says that his ex is f*cking with him, and that he’s going to the ER to make sure he’s not having a heart attack. Hi, yes, please stop the ride, I’d like to get off.
In the middle of Randall’s panicked text thread, we take a pause for one of this stories greatest comedic moments:
“I SAID I’M SORRY FOFTY.”
If you claim you didn’t snort with laughter when you first read that, I don’t believe you. To commemorate this moment, we even put it on a f*cking t-shirt. Cheers, betch.
In response, 50 Cent sent a paragraph in which he clarifies that Randall owes him a million dollars, and threatens to crack Randall’s head if he keeps playing with him. I said this was going to get dark, right? We have no way of knowing if Randall really does owe 50 all this money, but if he does, he should probably stop shelling out for Lala and the girls to take PJs to Solvang. Just a thought.
Another crucial plot point in the feud is buried in the caption of this photo, where 50 Cent tells Randall that he wants the rest of his money by Monday. Honestly, I’m nervous just reading about this sh*t, so I have to imagine that Randall has fled the country by now.
It doesn’t end there. Next, 50 Cent posted another screenshot in which he responds to Randall asking him to be in his wedding, and this part is honestly just a little pathetic. 50 is obviously not interesting in being in Randall’s wedding (can’t imagine why not), and he responds with one of my favorite lines ever: “Like I ain’t got sh*t else to do. Get the f*ck outta here.” To be fair, I’m not really sure what 50 Cent is up to these days, but clearly being a groomsman for Randall “My Man” Emmett is low on his list of priorities.
Aaaand another dollar in the Fofty Jar for Randall. Well done.
With his next post, 50 Cent deepened my concern that this could actually be headed to a very bad place. It’s sort of like a meme, except one that makes me genuinely concerned that 50 Cent is about to do something bad to Randall. 50 is always watching.
In his most recent couple of posts, 50 Cent has openly mocked Randall for saying he’s going to the ER, and he actually posted this photo of Rand with approximately 700 electrode things attached to his body.
I don’t know a lot about medicine or heart tests or anything like that, but is Randall okay?? I’m all for the drama and the memes that this whole situation has created, but I really don’t want Randall to have a heart attack. Fofty, please.
For now, we’re eagerly awaiting the next development in this already legendary feud, and we’re just mere hours away from the clock striking Monday. If you’re on the edge of your seat like me, now is the perfect time to cop a Money By Monday tee, because this sh*t is going down in history. This is possibly the first time I’ve ever been excited for a Monday, so literally anything is possible. Prayers for Randall, because Fofty doesn’t mess around.
UPDATE: Well, there’s more. We’re still waiting anxiously to see if Fofty will actually show up at Randall’s house to collect his pound of flesh, but things have not cooled down. As of now, it looks like the money Randall owes 50 Cent is debt from gambling. Basically, Randall likes playing poker, but isn’t very good at it. 50 Cent knows this, and lent Randall a lot of money to gamble with. This might seem like a poor choice, but it can be smart to lend money to a bad poker player, because they’ll keep losing, and they’ll just owe you more in the end. A few bad games, and all of a sudden Randall Emmett owes Fofty Cent a million dollars. Yikes.
Yesterday, while waiting for the infamous Monday to roll around, 50 Cent basically turned his Instagram into a meme page dedicated to this feud, and I could not be more here for it. He kicked things off with this screenshot of Randall’s freshly-edited Wikipedia page:
Sadly, Rand’s page has been fixed and is now protected from vandalism, but god damn this is funny. Then, because it’s 2019 on the internet, Chrissy Teigen got involved. She tweeted about how she never wants. 50 Cent to be mad at her, which like, same. But then, things got even better, because FOFTY RESPONDED.
While I’m still incredibly stressed about the situation with 50 Cent and Randall, it’s good to know that Chrissy and John are safe from the wrath of Fofty. I would say this is like something out of a fever dream I had, but honestly none of my dreams have ever been this weird.
50 Cent kept the memes coming, first with this t-shirt that’s not as cute as ours, but it did remind me about G-Unit. This whole story is wild, but the fact that I’m talking about G-Unit in 2019 is probably the most shocking thing thus far. After that, Fofty reposted a Game of Thrones meme, because even he knows the importance of the battle of Winterfell.
This caption might be the most menacing one he’s posted, which is saying a lot. Moving right along from Game of Thrones, 50 pivoted back to his original source material for this feud: Vanderpump Rules (a better show than GoT, there I said it). He posted the clip from earlier this season, when Lala and Rand were briefly broken up, and Lala is saying how there’s a lot of dick she could suck to get PJ flights from other men.
I just asked if we could make a shirt that says “BJ’s For New PJ’s,” but sadly I was turned down. Can’t imagine why. Fofty is implying that Randall is going to be broke after paying him a million dollars, which honestly might be true. It’s now officially Monday, and I’m on the edge of my seat to see what’s going to happen.
PS: Before I go, I need to dispel one piece of fake news that’s been going around. People have noticed that Lala and Randall aren’t following each other on Instagram, but this isn’t new. They’ve shared in the past that they both blocked each other on Insta at one point, so they haven’t followed each other in a long time. This is obviously weird, but their not following each other isn’t any indication of trouble at the moment.
Images: Shutterstock; @cbcbravo (2), @50cent (4) / Instagram; Shop Betches
