Science Says We Have Ten Years To Fix Climate Change Or Everybody Dies

If there’s one thing that should be keeping everybody up at night (apart from waiting for a text back) it’s climate change. And it turns out things are somehow even worse than we’d feared. The UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report this week that basically says if we don’t do everything in our power to keep temperature rises due to climate change under 1.5 degrees C or we’re all totally f*cked. Casual. If we fail to do this, the IPCC warns that there will be “rapid, far-reaching and unprecedented changes in all aspects of society.” And somehow I feel like these “changes” are less the “I got bangs!” kind and more the “my house just washed away because of rising sea levels!” kind.

So WTF Does This Report Say?

Basically this report says we need to get off our asses and address climate change ASAP or face the consequences. They estimated that we have 12 years – aka until 2030 – to get our carbon emissions under control. It’ll be expensive, but the window to do something is still open. According to this report, sweeping changes to literally every aspect of our energy systems, land management systems, and transportation are needed to limit warming to 1.5 degress. If we do this, we can hang (i.e. continue living on Earth). If we do not do this, we can no longer hang (i.e. we all die in a flood.) Cool cool cool cool cool…

So WTF Can We Do?

Soooo on an individual level, there actually are a few things you can do. According to this report, individuals who want to reduce warming levels can buy less meat, milk, cheese and butter and buy more locally sourced food. Basically, find your most annoying vegan friend and ask them their secret. You can also drive electric cars, or opt to walk or bike short distances (I mean, who doesn’t love hitting their 10k step mark?). Taking trains and buses instead of plans also helps, as well as using a washing line instead of tumble drying your clothes. Also take time to demand low carbon in every product that you buy.

That said, no individual person switching from whole milk to almond is going to make the difference. We need widespread change from the top down to stop this sh*t from happening. Unfortunately, there is one political party on the face of the planet that hasn’t gotten the memo re: climate change, and that’s the party that is currently in charge of all levels of government in the United States. Bummer.

Lucky for those of us who would prefer not to drown there is an election coming up on November 6th where you can make your voice heard on climate change by voting for candidates who support science, common sense, and not dying.

Click here to make sure you’re registered to vote and find the climate-friendly candidates you can support this November. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Díos Mio! Spain’s New Prime Minister Is A Certified Snack

Keeping with the current theme of “literally everyone in the world gets a hot leader but us,” Spain just elected a new Prime Minister, Pedro Sánchez, and he was sculpted with love by the Gods of political hotties. Move over Justin Trudeau, there’s a new hot Prime Minister in town, and his home country is warm. Como se dice, “zaddy” en Español?

Pedro Sánchez is a member of the Spanish Socialist Workers Party who was sworn in on Saturday by King Felipe VI. This is pretty impressive considering he was ousted from his own party only a year ago. Sánchez is resilient and tenacious which are my two favorite qualities in people who also happen to be very hot. The New York Times described him as “photogenic” which is a very respectful way of saying “holy hell this Prime Minister is sexy AF.” Here he is, standing with conviction and hotness like the leader we all need:

And I’d like to congratulate new Spanish PM Pedro Sanchez for his automatic induction into the Hot World Leaders Club. pic.twitter.com/ubqEyCuE38

— Nora Biette-Timmons (@biettetimmons) June 1, 2018

In 2015, Sánchez attacked the character of the current Prime Minister, Mariano Rajoy in a televised debate. Sánchez accused Rajoy of overseeing corruption in the Popular Party, the Republican party equivalent in Spain. Rajoy then said Sánchez was a disrespectful politician, most likely because he was probably jealous that he’s not hot, and the corruption accusation was put to rest. Then on Friday, a court ruling confirmed that Rajoy had been benefitting from a slush fund and our night in shining sexiness, Pedro Sánchez, organized a parliamentary revolt. I’m imagining him storming a castle on horseback with a team of equally hot radicals, but it was probably more civilized. Essentially, this is what would happen if a hottie accused Trump of collusion with Russia, then Trump was like “lol shut up you’re a brat,” which then caused that hottie to be ousted by liberals until collusion was confirmed. Trump would then be impeached and we would get a president with a strong, firm handshake.

Here’s Pedro again, with active listening skills:

El presidente del Gobierno @sanchezcastejon recibe en #LaMoncloa al presidente de #Ucrania???????? @poroshenkohttps://t.co/EDatV54Jre pic.twitter.com/5GJcVZ3Yj4

— La Moncloa (@desdelamoncloa) June 4, 2018

Here he is doing what I can only assume is a hilarious impression of Trump’s hands:

La tarea de los demócratas ahora es no olvidar y contar la verdad. No hay que permitir que ETA imponga su relato. La tarea es reivindicar nuestra democracia. No hubo un conflicto, sino una banda terrorista que quiso imponer su totalitarismo. pic.twitter.com/c1EbdDjZdf

— Pedro Sánchez (@sanchezcastejon) May 4, 2018

The socialist party only currently holds one quarter of the seats in parliament which means Sánchez will have to bring together the far-left Podemos and nationalist parties which helped get him elected. A former socialist mayor of Barcelona, Jordi Hereu, said, “It’s going to be complicated for Sánchez, but the fact that both sides are ready to dialogue is in itself a step forward.” Wait, both sides in Spain are ready to dialogue? Maybe all we need is a president with a fire look and we can also get a dialogue going. For now, I’ll be practicing my high school Spanish on Mr. Sánchez until he can no longer resist: “Hola guapo, donde esta la biblioteca? Eres mi novio ahora, gracias.”

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Who TF Would Want This Coin With Kim Jong Un’s Face On It?

You know what they say: don’t count your Venmos before they hit your account. Or rather, “don’t mint a new commemorative coin for an historic summit until it happens.” Apparently, no one has told President Trump this because the U.S. mint just released a new commemorative coin featuring Trump and Kim Jong-Un, two people who have never met, might never meet, and also don’t deserve to be on money. The Trump Kim Jong-Un coin was released just days after North Korea threatened to pull out of the summit over U.S. and South Korean military drills on the peninsula. So I guess our strategy is to try and guilt Kim Jong Un into doing the summit because like, we already made a coin? IDK. Sounds crazy, but then again half of this diplomacy went down on Twitter so maybe random shit like this will work.

There’s now a White House Military Office coin for the upcoming Trump Kim Jong Un summit. The North Korean dictator is referred to as “Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un.” pic.twitter.com/tFAmE813Y1

— Jim Acosta (@Acosta) May 21, 2018

As you can see, the coin (which, again, commemorates a meeting that has not taken place and might not actually happen) is hideous as fuck. Motion to make this many double chins illegal on legal tender? TBH, as a television personality, I’d really expect the president to know this angle does not work for him.  Anyway, this whole coin thing is something I’d expect to see produced by QVC and not like, the U.S. government, but then again we basically elected QVC president so this is what we get.

Over 250 of these monstrosities have been minted, which means 250 coins-worth of time has been wasted. Anyway, can’t wait to use this bullshit to pay for my laundry. At least that would be a more constructive use of my time than whatever the hell this is.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

WTF Is Going On In Iran Rn And Why You Should Care

While we were all blacking out on champagne and making out with the nearest thing with lips and a pulse this NYE weekend, some major shit has been going down over in Iran. Protests have been building for five days with no signs of slowing down, and everyone and their mother is talking and tweeting about them, so it’s time to pay attention. Was your New Year’s resolution to start giving a shit about the world? Or just to get a little more #cultured so you can impress the hot International Relations major you met at Soul Cycle last week? Great, let’s begin.

WTF Are The Protests About?

The largest protests in Iran since 2009 broke out a few days ago when a large majority of the Iranian public decided they were fed up with their corrupt AF government. One major driving factor behind these protests is the poor distribution of, as Lil’ Wayne would say, moolah baby. Many people in Iran are scraping together pennies to pay rent and put gas in their cars, while government officials including the president, Hassan Rouhani, and Supreme Ruler, Ali Khamenei, are decidedly super not poor. What kind of assholery is calling yourself “Supreme Ruler” of anything? (Looking at you too, Kimmy J Un). If you want people to hate you less, maybe don’t rub your insane wealth and power in their face while they struggle to afford basic necessities. Just a thought.

The people are PTFO that more economic growth has not been seen after sanctions were lifted under the Iran Nuclear Deal passed by Obama in 2015. Many Iranians think that the government should be spending more money taking care of its citizens and communities, instead of using it to intervene in Syria and Lebanon. The unemployment rate in Iran is also at 12.4%, with a large majority of the unemployed being recent university graduates, so a sizable chunk of the protesters fall into the “angry Millennials with no job” category. Join the fucking club, guys. If I knew I could have protested the 4 unpaid internships I had to endure post-grad, you bet your ass I would never have commuted an hour every day just to bring coffee to bosses who didn’t remember my name and didn’t hire me after months of kissing ass for “networking opportunities and job skills.”

How Bad Is It?

While the protests originally began peacefully, shit is escalating quickly. Some of the gatherings have gotten really violent, with at least a dozen dead and tons more injured. Police are even divided, with some getting v aggressive and resorting to weapons use to break up demonstrations, and others actually abandoning their duties and joining forces with the protesters. *cue Wildcats*

The Iranian government is naturally PO’ed that people are taking to the streets to talk shit about them, and have committed the most heinous sin of all: blocking social media. A lot of the organization efforts for the protests are being discussed and coordinated over social media platforms like Instagram and Telegram (a messaging app). Telegram’s CEO already shut down pages that explicitly mentioned use of force or violence, but it was reported on Monday that many Iranians experienced a massive internet outage and were blocked from accessing these apps at all. That’s censorship, and it’s some government power-abuse bullshit. They may take our lives, but they’ll NEVER. TAKE. OUR. INSTA STORIES.

What Are People Saying?

President Rouhani made a statement defending the people’s right to peacefully protest, but saying that the protests should not make anyone fear for their own safety. Meanwhile, Iran’s Ministry of Information is cracking down on arrests and threatening that any protesters participating in illegal activity will be “seriously dealt with.” Over in our neck of the woods, personalities from all political parties and differing opinions are shockingly on the same side for once. Politicians like Hillary, Bernie, Pence, Mitt Romney, John McCain and more are all tweeting words of support for the Iranian people trying to take back their freedom and promote democracy and a better future under an unfair government.

And thennnnn there’s Trump. You didn’t think he would let a major international event occur without his unwelcome and idiotic commentary, did you? The Donald surprisingly tweeted his support for the citizens protesting in Iran, but not without taking a dig at Obama and his “failed” deal in the process. Just when you thought this could have been a moment of rare sense and understanding leaking out of his soupy brain, Rouhani clapped back that Trump has no right to offer any support when he “has forgotten that he had called the Iranian people ‘terrorists’ a few months ago.” Lesson learned – Rouhani will hang onto those receipts and drag your hypocritical ass, because even when you’re trying to do something noble, you inevitably fuck it up for everyone.

Iran to Trump:

Here’s hoping that that the protests get the job done and make the government wake up to the demands of the Iranian people with as little violent collateral as possible. Maybe 2018 will be the year of governments working together with their citizens to reach common goals and peace and unity. Or maybe pigs will fly and I’ll lose 10 pounds and win a million dollars on a scratch-off lotto ticket. Dream big.

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Guess Which Shady Country Just Got Banned From The Olympics

If Breaking Bad taught me anything, it’s that cooking meth can make you rich af drugs are very very bad. You would think that an organization such as, oh a National Olympic Committee, would also have a basic understanding that drugs are pretty high on the list of no-no’s they hand out to each country before competition, but it looks like Russia may have missed their middle school D.A.R.E. presentation. Yesterday the International Olympic Committee announced that Russia would officially be banned from the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics due to the country’s “systematic manipulation of anti-doping rules.” When my mom caught me drinking in high school, she made me go to volleyball practice and run three miles, hungover the next day to teach me a lesson, so honestly the Russians are getting a much lighter punishment IMO.

For over a year, officials have been investigating Russia’s use of performance-enhancing drugs in the 2014 Sochi Olympics, and whether the Russian government played a part in covering up their athletes’ doping habits. What they found was pretty freaking massive because the punishment will set a very strict example for the IOC’s zero bullshit tolerance policy in 2018 and future Olympic games. IOC President Thomas Bach called the state-sponsored coverup an “unprecedented attack on the integrity of the Olympic Games and sport.” Dramatic, much? Maybe, but I guess when it comes to the largest international sporting event in the world, people get a little testy about cheating. Go figure.

A Russian whistleblower named Grigory Rodchenko tipped off the investigation when he alleged that the Russian government was directly involved in the manipulation of samples and state sponsorship of the Olympic doping process. As a result of this ban, the Russian flag will not appear in any of the Olympic ceremonies, and their national anthem will not be played, which is a big deal since we all found out this year how much people loooove national anthems *cough* takes a knee *cough*


 

Instead, any Russian athletes who manage to pass a series of thorough drug testing and still wish to compete can only do so under the neutral Olympic flag and be designated as “Olympic Athletes from Russia” (OAR). Considering the only other thing called O.A.R. is that band your dad likes who sings that song about being shattered, they’re already in pretty lame company. This also means that Russia will officially go on the record books with zero medals to their name for an entire Olympic season. If Putin wasn’t already mad that people are poking around into his communications with the White House, he’s going to be really pissed when he can’t show off any shiny metal discs to prove that Mother Russia is best most strongest country in whole world.

Other names banned from the Olympics for life include Vitaly Mutko – Deputy Prime Minister of Russia, former Minister of Magic Sport, and chairman of the organizing committee for the 2018 World Cup in Russia – and his former deputy Yuri Nagornykh. 25 Russian athletes were also banned for life after being outed as cheaters, and 11 of Russia’s medals from 2014 were stripped away, taking them down the leaderboard from first place to fourth behind Norway, Canada, and the US. I hope our muscular, toned, and not chemically enhanced butts look great from down there. The IOC has also gone full “bitch better have my money,” and ordered Russia’s Olympic Committee to reimburse the $15 million it cost them to investigate the doping scandal, and help set up the new Independent Testing Authority.


 

In the most beautiful moment of irony, the Russians unveiled their brand new Olympics uniforms last week, which they will never get to use now that their athletes can only wear neutral colors if they compete independently. Honestly, the IOC is doing them a favor because some of their outfits were truly heinous. That pattern cannot possibly be flattering on anyone. That is the ugliest effing scarf I’ve ever seen. So not fetch.

Some officials believe that Putin might call for a full boycott of the games and prevent Russian athletes from even competing neutrally, as he has previously said it “would be a humiliation to compete without any national symbols.” You seem to know a thing or two about humiliating, don’t you, Vlad? LMK when you feel like releasing the pee tape we’re all patiently waiting on. In the meantime, do what you want about the Olympics, but don’t prevent your honest and sober athletes who have trained hard and have nothing to do with dope-gate let all of their grueling work go to waste. Besides, Pyeongchang happens to be in South Korea, which is a little too close to North Korea for my comfort so like, that would definitely be my main concern if I were you. Have fun grumbling about your steroid-fueled bobsled team – I’ll be far away from the crazy man with the nuclear weapons, pouring Schnapps into my hot cocoa and hoping someone eats shit during a triple axel because I’m just bitter that I don’t have an athletic bone in my body.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

All The Drama Going On In Zimbabwe Explained In A Non-Boring Way

Prepare to be shocked and astounded. There is some totally crazy, international political shit going down right now and for the first time in what seems like years, it has nothing to do with the bull in an international relations china shop that is Donald Trump. Instead, we need to briefly shift our focus over to Zimbabwe because their government is getting flipped turned upside down and honestly, maybe we could pick up some pointers on how to overthrow a shitty President. 

WTF Is Going On?

While everyone was sleeping Wednesday morning, an army spokesperson announced on Zimbabwean TV that the military would be conducting an operation to target “criminals” linked to Zimbabwe’s current President Robert Mugabe, who they blame for causing social and economic suffering. Mugabe is currently on house arrest, but less like the bougie Martha Stewart kind, and more like the might-get-wrecked-by-an-army-that-hates-him-if-he-leaves-his-home kind. There are signs of heavy military presence and armored vehicles around the capital, and lines of concerned citizens have been piling up at local banks. The army is vehemently denying that this is a military takeover of government, but if it walks like a coup and quacks like a coup…it’s probably a coup.

Actual footage of Mugabe right now:

But Why Tho?

There are a whole bunch of factors that have been contributing to the military’s fierce opposition of Mugabe over the years, but the basic gist is that the dude is as selfish as he is old. At 93, Mugabe is the world’s oldest living leader, and has been leading the country since it gained independence in 1980. Has this man never heard of retirement? Literally the second I reach an age where retirement is deemed socially acceptable, my old ass is buying a condo next to a beach and taking long naps every day. A few years ago, Mugabe read the complete wrong speech in an embarrassing mix-up, leading many to believe his age was starting to become an obstacle for his leadership (duh). My grandpa is ten years younger than him, and I still need to scream at full volume when he’s sitting right next to me, and even then there’s a 50/50 chance he’s going to catch anything I’m saying.

Not only is Mugabe practically eligible to be an artifact in the Museum of Natural History, but he’s also massively selfish, inconsiderate, and sometimes violent. He is notoriously willing to resort to violence to retain power, and once rejected foreign aid that would have been offered on the condition that he accepts gay marriage in Zimbabwe. So you’d rather watch your people starve to death than see two dudes kiss? Somewhere, Mike Pence is drawing up plans for his Zimbabwean summer home.

For his Super Sweet 92nd birthday party, Mugabe threw a lavish celebration featuring parades, concerts, and parties in his honor, which altogether cost a whopping $800,000. At first glance, I’m all about it. With that kind of money at my disposal, you’d better believe my next birthday would include a vodka fountain and a performance from Beyoncé ft. Blue Ivy and the twins. However, it becomes a lot less cool when you realize that just a few weeks before this celebration, Mugabe himself declared a state of disaster in areas affected by drought and poverty. Instead of using those hundreds of thousands to fund relief and supply food and water to his people, this grade-A ass wipe spent it all on a party where you just know he only invited the popular kids.

As if that wasn’t enough to make the people defriend him, just last week, Mugabe fired his own Vice President, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who was widely respected by the military. The firing of his longstanding and loyal VP raised some eyebrows that Mugabe was being shady af and clearing the way so that his wife could succeed him instead. Naturally, Grace Mugabe (52, dang Robert, get it) is apparently just the worst.

First of all, Grace is Mugabe’s second wife, who began an affair with him while his first wife was dying of kidney failure. That is some of the most savagely awful shit I’ve ever heard. I hope the producers of Real Housewives of Zimbabwe are writing her tagline as we speak. The people of Zimbabwe have given her nicknames such as “Gucci Grace” and “DisGrace” (lol clever) thanks to her extravagant shopping trips and habit for spending tons of money on herself as, I’ll repeat again, everyone else in her country is poor and hungry. Now, if someone wants to give me a cool nickname like Balmain Betch, I’m not going to say no. But then that also means I need a rich, powerful husband who can help finance these kinds of shopping trips.  *sets Hinge radius to Wall St*

Why Is This Important?

A coup is a BFD when it comes to the changeover of political power. The military is insisting that they intend to have a bloodless handover of power and resignation from Mugabe, and then they’ll be on their merry way. However, Mugabe is a stubborn betch and refuses to give up his seat for anyone, until the next election rolls around and it’s put to a vote. Right now, things are shockingly calm and quiet for a military takeover, and the army is promising to keep Mugabe’s family safe in their home prison that’s probably filled with expensive things and TVs to keep them occupied. Actually, house arrest doesn’t sound half bad tbh.

Even though military forces are still denying this is a coup about as hard as your fuckboy boyfriend claiming he’s ‘just friends’ with the Instagram model he’s been DMing, things will probably not stay so peaceful for long. Friday, a poster began circulating calling for citizens tor rally on Saturday to “remove Mugabe from power,” stating “We can’t have a 93-year-old person ruling more than 15 million people.” I mean, tru. Savage, but tru.  If Mugabe doesn’t resign peacefully, we’re likely about to see some real juicy action take place. Ok Zimbabwe, now let’s get in formation.

Update (11/20/17):  After failing to comply with a military deadline requestin the president step down (lol as if), Zimbabwe’s ruling party has summoned its represetnatives to discuss impeaching Robert Mugabe. The mlitary had previously given Mugabe until Monday to step down, but he came out on TV Sunday and was like “lol nah fuck that,” so Zimbabwe remains in presidential limbo. We’ll update more as more information arises, but TBH I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for Mugabe or Grace. I guess I just have a fifth sense about it. 

Update (11/22/17): In a letter to parliament on Wednesday, Robert Mugabe announced that he will resign the presidency and allow a smooth and peaceful transfer of power. He also claimed the decision was “voluntary,” which I believe about as much as I believe in “mutual” brekaups. Emmerson Mnangagwa, who fled to South Africa two weeks ago, has returned to Zimbabwe and is expected to be sworn in as the newpresident on Friday. TBH this whole, coup-to-maybe-impeachment-to-resignation thing seemed pretty chill. Maybe we could get something like that going here? 

FBI – Don’t @ me. 

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A Brief History Of The Situation In Catalonia For People Who Didn’t Know That Was A Place

Before you like, totally go ahead and plan that post-grad Euro-trip you need to complete your Instagram aesthetic, you should probably like, know what the fuck is going on over there. Besides the fact that you can just be “whelmed” there, there is like, crazy shit happening in one of the Betchiest countries to black out in in the world, Spain. If you’ve been keeping up with the news, you’ve probably heard words like “Catalonia” and “Independence” and “deposed leader” scattered throughout your daily Trump-related freakout, but you may not know why, or what any of that stuff even means. That’s where I come in. Here’s the deal: You can either learn about this shit from me, a snarky, well-researched internet commentator you don’t know, or your annoying sorority sister Becca who spent one semester in “Barthelona.” That’s what I thought. You gon’ learn today.

First off- Where is Catalonia?

Do I fuckin’ look like a Google Map? Whatever. Catalonia is on the northeast region of Spain, and has its own culture and language, kind of like New York and California do here. It’s home to 7.5 million people and its most famous city is Barcelona, which got its claim to fame from the time you puked on La Sagrada Fimilia The Cheetah Girls 2 OBVIOUSLY. 

So, Why Are They Trying To Dip Out Of Spain?

The way Catalonia sees it, Spain is like “the man” and is for sure holding them down. They have their own culture and they think that they give more to Spain than Spain gives to them. Like, what’s in this relationship for Catalonia? Catalans are evaluating their country like I screen my Tinder dates- “What’s in it for me? Will he take me out to dinner? Maybe a festive holiday activity?” Spain, on the other hand, thinks Catalonia needs to stop being so fucking ungrateful. Like, what? They sent an unwarranted dick pic and now you want dinner too? Needy bitch.

So, WTF happened?

On October 1st, Catalonia’s parliament voted for independence with about 90 percent of the 2.3 million voters saying let’s GTFO of here. But of course, less than half of the eligible voters actually voted. Taking a page out of America’s book, I see. Shit hit the fan after that and about 900 people were hospitalized after celebrations got wayyyy too lit. Where was Kendall Jenner in this time of protest? Quick, someone get us a Pepsi rapidamente!

Okay, So How Fucking Pissed Is Spain?

So fucking pissed. Catalonia, this is your tape. The Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy (aka “The Man”) said that this whole fuckery of “trying to be independent” is illegal and used powers under an ancient clause of the Spanish constitution, Article 155, to basically put Catalonia under Spanish government control. He’s also basically giving the giant FU to all Catalan leaders and refusing to talk to them. Now, Catalan president Charles Puigdemont is low-key chilling in Brussels to avoid a “political trial” the he says would most likely not end up great for him. I feel you, Charles. I too use European vacays as an excuse to hide from my problems at home. 

And, Article 155 is…..?

It’s basically an article in the Spanish Constitution that says that central authorities can take over control of any of the country’s 17 regions whenever they are getting a little cray. The clause hasn’t been used in the 40 years since democracy was restored in Spain (Casual reminder that Spain was under fascist rule from 1939-1975), so like, this is lowkey a big deal.

Actual Footage Of Spain Finding Article 155 To Fuck Over Catalonia:

 

Okay, So What’s Going On Rn?

Basically, Spain daddied up on Catalonia and exiled their president. The Spanish government shut his bid for independence down like the hand of God and then slapped on a few criminal charges for ole’ Carles including rebellion, sedition and embezzlement. Dude, government officials getting criminally charged, so hot right now. I didn’t realize the Mueller investigation was so…European. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
 

Trump Is Still Trying To Make The Travel Ban Happen

The Trump Administration is still all about trying to make this “travel ban” thing happen, despite the disastrous rollout of Travel Ban 1.0 earlier this year. Now, much like a child who pissed his pants during class, Trump is looking for a second chance at making life harder for Muslims traveling to America with a new and improved (depends on how you define “improve”) travel ban that is less likely to be immediately set on fire by the courts. Unlike the OG ban, the new version does not include Iraq, because I guess somebody told the president it’s not a good look to spend eleven years fucking up a country and then ban that country’s people from coming to yours, but does still include Iran, Yemen, Syria, Libya, Somalia and Sudan from obtaining visas for at least 90 days. The new ban also removed language that indefinitely banned Syrian refugees and prioritized Christians over Muslims fleeing war-torn countries. So I guess the Christians will have to just wait until they arrive in America before receiving their preferential treatment.

Instead, the order suspends admission of refugees for 120 days while U.S officials can implement their “extreme vetting” program, whatever tf that actually means. The ban also no longer includes green card holders, meaning the hot Iranian transfer in your econ class is safe (and sexy.) 

real housewives hallelujah

 

The biggest difference between the original ban and the new version, aside from the fact that it fucks over slightly less people, is that it was actually written by lawyers and not Tweedle Dick and Tweedle Dumbass, known in political circles as “Steve Bannon” and “Stephen Miller.” As you may recall, the original travel ban was a full-on legal shitshow because, as the president now knows, lawyers are a really important part of writing laws. 

the more you know

 

The new travel ban will go into effect March 16th. I guess the drunks in the Trump Admin (coughSTEVEBANNONcough) don’t want any immigrants showing up and ruining their St. Patrick’s day with their immigrant concerns like “safety” and “living in a house.” So like, is this travel ban better? Well, depends on how you define “better.” Is eating a cup of shit better than eating two cups of shit? Sure. But you’re still eating shit. So yeah, this new travel ban is basically the same as eating a cup of shit….every day….for four years… 

starz shit sandwich

Remind me how this makes America great, again? 

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