If Breaking Bad taught me anything, it’s that
cooking meth can make you rich af drugs are very very bad. You would think that an organization such as, oh a National Olympic Committee, would also have a basic understanding that drugs are pretty high on the list of no-no’s they hand out to each country before competition, but it looks like Russia may have missed their middle school D.A.R.E. presentation. Yesterday the International Olympic Committee announced that Russia would officially be banned from the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics due to the country’s “systematic manipulation of anti-doping rules.” When my mom caught me drinking in high school, she made me go to volleyball practice and run three miles, hungover the next day to teach me a lesson, so honestly the Russians are getting a much lighter punishment IMO.
For over a year, officials have been investigating Russia’s use of performance-enhancing drugs in the 2014 Sochi Olympics, and whether the Russian government played a part in covering up their athletes’ doping habits. What they found was pretty freaking massive because the punishment will set a very strict example for the IOC’s zero bullshit tolerance policy in 2018 and future Olympic games. IOC President Thomas Bach called the state-sponsored coverup an “unprecedented attack on the integrity of the Olympic Games and sport.” Dramatic, much? Maybe, but I guess when it comes to the largest international sporting event in the world, people get a little testy about cheating. Go figure.
A Russian whistleblower named Grigory Rodchenko tipped off the investigation when he alleged that the Russian government was directly involved in the manipulation of samples and state sponsorship of the Olympic doping process. As a result of this ban, the Russian flag will not appear in any of the Olympic ceremonies, and their national anthem will not be played, which is a big deal since we all found out this year how much people loooove national anthems *cough* takes a knee *cough*
Instead, any Russian athletes who manage to pass a series of thorough drug testing and still wish to compete can only do so under the neutral Olympic flag and be designated as “Olympic Athletes from Russia” (OAR). Considering the only other thing called O.A.R. is that band your dad likes who sings that song about being shattered, they’re already in pretty lame company. This also means that Russia will officially go on the record books with zero medals to their name for an entire Olympic season. If Putin wasn’t already mad that people are poking around into his communications with the White House, he’s going to be really pissed when he can’t show off any shiny metal discs to prove that Mother Russia is best most strongest country in whole world.
Other names banned from the Olympics for life include Vitaly Mutko – Deputy Prime Minister of Russia, former Minister of Magic Sport, and chairman of the organizing committee for the 2018 World Cup in Russia – and his former deputy Yuri Nagornykh. 25 Russian athletes were also banned for life after being outed as cheaters, and 11 of Russia’s medals from 2014 were stripped away, taking them down the leaderboard from first place to fourth behind Norway, Canada, and the US. I hope our muscular, toned, and not chemically enhanced butts look great from down there. The IOC has also gone full “bitch better have my money,” and ordered Russia’s Olympic Committee to reimburse the $15 million it cost them to investigate the doping scandal, and help set up the new Independent Testing Authority.
In the most beautiful moment of irony, the Russians unveiled their brand new Olympics uniforms last week, which they will never get to use now that their athletes can only wear neutral colors if they compete independently. Honestly, the IOC is doing them a favor because some of their outfits were truly heinous. That pattern cannot possibly be flattering on anyone. That is the ugliest effing scarf I’ve ever seen. So not fetch.
Some officials believe that Putin might call for a full boycott of the games and prevent Russian athletes from even competing neutrally, as he has previously said it “would be a humiliation to compete without any national symbols.” You seem to know a thing or two about humiliating, don’t you, Vlad? LMK when you feel like releasing the pee tape we’re all patiently waiting on. In the meantime, do what you want about the Olympics, but don’t prevent your honest and sober athletes who have trained hard and have nothing to do with dope-gate let all of their grueling work go to waste. Besides, Pyeongchang happens to be in South Korea, which is a little too close to North Korea for my comfort so like, that would definitely be my main concern if I were you. Have fun grumbling about your steroid-fueled bobsled team – I’ll be far away from the crazy man with the nuclear weapons, pouring Schnapps into my hot cocoa and hoping someone eats shit during a triple axel because I’m just bitter that I don’t have an athletic bone in my body.
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