The Top 10 Alternative Facts We Are Now Declaring Indisputably True

Over the past couple weeks, President Cheeto and his loyal band of cronies have really thrown this whole country, fuck—the whole world, for a loop. There’s the whole immigration ban thing, and the fact that all of his cabinet nominees are as qualified for their jobs as that time your sorority lush ran for risk management chair. But one of my personal faves (and by faves I mean how tf is this even real rn) is Kellyanne Conway and her alternative facts.

Kellyanne Conway

If you’ve been living under a rock, this whole alternative facts business came to be when Kellyanne told a reporter that one of the press secretary’s blatant lies—in this case, that the size of Emperor Velveeta’s inauguration crowd was yuge, the biggest crowd ever—wasn’t a lie, but rather an alternative fact. Lol, what? Now, the fact that a counselor to the leader of the free world is saying this is v alarming. But for a betch, the term alternative fact is low-key the greatest thing to ever happen. I can imagine the Real Housewives screaming it on the reunion couches as we speak. So without further ado, here are our top 10 lies that we’re now deeming alternative facts. You’re Fucking. Welcome.

1. Pizza Is Really Good For You

Pizza is Power

Congress long ago declared pizza to be a vegetable—thanks, Congress! Scientists are still gathering evidence on the link between pizza consumption and IQ level, but since we’re living in Trump’s alternate reality let’s just go ahead and assume that pizza is also empirically considered to be knowledge.

2. Watching Netflix While Your Boss Isn’t Looking Will Earn You That Promotion

Television

People like to work with people they can relate to. While you’re at it, you should probably accidentally drunk text your boss to “come overrrrr.”

3. Going To The Gym Will Make You Fatter

Taylor Swift Apple Commercial

It’s like this: only fat people expend effort at the gym to stay skinny, ergo, going to the gym makes you fat. You should just go home and watch a Vanderpump Rules marathon.
 

4. You Can Totally Afford To Order Seamless Every Night

Takeout

You make a whopping $40K before taxes so like, live it up. Speaking of taxes, the president doesn’t even pay his, so why should you?

5. Hangovers Aren’t Real

Hangover

Much like the melting polar ice caps and racism, hangovers are just a figment of the liberal media’s imagination. Drinking your weight in wine and/or vodka isn’t going to make you do regrettable things or feel like shit tomorrow, so drink up.

6. Vodka Is A Vegetable

Vodka

Vodka is distilled from potatoes. Potatoes are a vegetable. Therefore, vodka is officially salad. And if you’ve combined it with pizza? You’re practically burning calories. Furthermore, as we’ve previously discussed, it will not give you a hangover. So if you need me, I’ll be hooking myself up to a vodka IV drip.

7. If You Leave Your Laundry Alone Long Enough, It Will Wash And Fold Itself

Folding

It’s just like your mom always said: You need to wait for the magical laundry fairies to take care of it for you, you lazy piece of shit.

8. He Isn’t Texting You Back Because He Lost His Phone

Did You Get My Text

Actually, it broke. He dropped it down the toilet. After he downloaded a virus that made his replies to you—and only to you—mysteriously not send. Really, he just got scared by how hard he fell for you. And who wouldn’t, when you’re so intimidatingly beautiful?

9. Your Ex Will Wake Up Tomorrow And Realize How Much He Fucked Up

Chuck And Blair

Expect a long, detailed, almost poetic apology detailing all the ways in which he didnt appreciate you, as well as a promise that no one will ever measure up to you. He’ll close with an admission that he will be living a lifetime of regret.

10. This Really Is Just A Horribly Vivid Nightmare, And We’ll All Wake Up Any Minute Now

Nightmare

And Hillary will be president. Or Bernie. Or Elizabeth Warren. Or even Romney, shit. McCain?

Related: 10 Things ‘The Bachelor’ Producers Probably Wouldn’t Do For Ratings

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The Top Things Donald Trump Could’ve Said To Melania To Make Her Make That Face

Ever since Inauguration Day the internet has been fixated on a viral video that spawned #FreeMelania and a lot of concern about the well-being of our new FLOTUS. The video features Melania reacting to a comment made by the dark overlord, aka Donald Trump, and shows her forced smile quickly shift into a look of sheer terror we typically reserve for looking at our bank accounts after a blackout night. Everyone has been wondering what the new dictator could’ve possibly said to make her so distraught, and TBH I don’t really want to know because he’s a perverted sociopath that I know way too much about already. That being said, we’re pretty confident in the following guesses. 

I can’t stop staring at the gif https://t.co/LqHMmFOVyp pic.twitter.com/CSGxT2eRS4

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) January 23, 2017

“I’ve tasked half of the Secret Service solely with preventing your escape. Good luck.”

“Why haven’t you started planning your signature anti-bullying campaign, you ugly immigrant shrew?”

“One false move from you and it’s back to The Chokey”

“You’ll never have the grace, intelligence, or arms of Michelle Obama and I’ll always resent you for that.”

“You know what the president is supposed to do, right?”

“Eric is looking forward to spending a lot of time with you over the next four years.”

“It’s official: L.L. Bean is the only clothing brand you can wear for the rest of your life.”

“I should not have had that burrito before coming here.”

“I’ve sold you to 3 Doors Down in exchange for their performance”

“New job, who dis?”

An Investigation Of What Was In The Box Melania Gave Michelle

As a woman who copied both the great Jackie O in sartorial choices and Michelle Obama in word choices, it should come as no surprise that the Slovenian robot Mrs. Trump tried once again to fake some humanity.

Mrs. Trump aka our current FLOTUS *internally screaming* handed Mrs. Obama aka former FLOTUS a large, stupid looking (because it was so large) Tiffany box. Presumably, in order to thank her for her services, and as I said, to appear human since she clearly isn’t. (No human person would marry a man who wants to fuck his daughter. Facts.)

Wrong

After the exchange went down, Michelle Obama epitomized what we’ve all been feeling, re: this transfer of power/downgrade/spiral into the abyss of hell.

Michelle Accepting The Box:

Michelle Obama Inauguration

Melania: Zomg, zank you for zee speech. Here is box. 

Michelle: K.

And then…

Michelle Not Knowing WTF To Do With The Box:

Michelle Obama Inauguration Box

Michelle: SOS

One more time for the people in the back.

Michelle Obama Confused

This shade was, hands down, the only good thing to come from that day. So good that I’d say the USA doesn’t even deserve it, considering that we’ve created the maelstrom unfolding before our eyes. But the real issue at hand, besides all the other thousands of issues plaguing us atm, is: WTF was in that box?

Even though our president would declare that I have “little credibility!” to make these claims, fuck it. Here are some ideas:
 

Inauguration Recap: God Save Our Souls

Author’s Note: if you came to this site to read a beaming review of the inauguration and our new president, you are going to be solely disappointed. Then again, if you’re actively supporting Trump in this day and age, you probably can’t read anyway.

On Friday, January 20th, 2017, despite the misgivings of every rational person in the entire world, Donald Trump was inaugurated President of the United States of America. If my 15-year-old self could have read that sentence, she probably would have stopped working so hard in school because clearly actual intelligence, integrity, and hard work mean nothing anymore.

Because all of you surely had better things to do, like figuring out a way to stock up on enough birth control and vodka to last the next four years, we went ahead and recapped this brutal assault on American tradition for you. There were highs (the no-bars-held disdain from every former president and first lady in attendance) and there were lows (literally the rest of the ceremony) but there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to cleanse the memory of watching it from our minds. Long story short, you’re welcome.

The ordeal started with the arrival of all the living ex-presidents and their wives: Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter, Bill and Hill, George and Laura Bush, and our Lord and Saviors the Obamas. George H.W. Bush sent his regards from his hospital bed but said he would literally die if he attended. Same.

Can you imagine having to smile and wave at the inauguration of the haunted cheetoh that lost to you by three million votes? Fuck whoever made Hillary leave her sacred woods. How many Xanax do you think she took before getting out of the car? Answer: not enough.

Inauguration Meme

The arrival of the Trump children was shocking because I didn’t think Eric and Donald Jr. could step into daylight without bursting into flames. Ivanka and Tiffany’s all white outfits weren’t just straight out of the Hunger Games Winter 2016 line, but also a blatant reminder of what their father has in store for us all. I feel weird mocking a child so all I will say is that Barron looked like he had to fart the entire time he was on camera. It’s alright, kid. Let it out. The entire stage is already full of shit.

After what felt like six hours of trumpeting, Donald Tiny Hands Trump finally arrived in his best $19 suit. Pence’s face was puffier than usual, possibly due to the gay twerk fest that occurred outside his home that kept him awake all night. That does nothing to explain the fact that all of his facial features are stuck prominently four inches in from the perimeter of his face, but maybe a little electrotherapy can help fix that.

Donald’s swearing in was quick but definitely not painless. The real scoop: How long did it take to find a Bible small enough to make his hands look adult-sized? Stay tuned for the details. The restraint it took him to not make out with his daughter on live television immediately after being sworn in was the most admirable part of this entire process.

Now, onto the speech that will go down in history as the single most divisive inaugural address of all time. Where to start? How about with the fact that it was lifted from one of Trump’s heroes, Bane. Or that the earth literally started weeping the second he began to speak. We all watch movies. We know foreshadowing when we see it.

Trump: *starts speaking*

The world:

George W Bush

The unholy butternut squash’s seventeen-minute speech, seventeen minutes of my life that could have been better spent squeezing lemon juice into my eyes or attempting an at-home colonoscopy, was spent shitting on Washington, painting America as a desolate wasteland reminiscent of Pride Rock after Scar took over, and essentially telling the rest of the world to go fuck itself.

Oh and there were lies. Lots of lies. The best lies you’ve ever seen. Bad!

Trump: We the citizens of America are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise to all people.
Fine Print: But only if they’re white straight men. And even then, they better be loaded.
   
After thanking his supporters for coming out to be a part of this historical movement, Trump spends a few minutes painting a scene of hyperbolic lies about the state of America. The only thing truly historical about it is that he became the president with the largest popularity vote margin in history. Or maybe the record-breaking protest that occurred the next day thanks to worldwide Women’s Marches. Or the fact that this is the first time in history that a sentient, molding tangerine was elected a world leader. Congrats, dude.

Trump: Today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, we are actually catapulting the country 100 years into the past. Science is amazing, isn’t it? Unless it’s supporting global warming.

If you were to drink every time the ignorant yam said “inner cities” you wouldn’t have lived long enough to see him become president. In retrospect, this is probably a strategy we all should have utilized during the debates. Despite the fact that it’s one of his favorite phrases, right up there with “fake news”, “radical Islam”, and “incest isn’t even that weird, Ivanka”, he would be as successful defining it as he would be attempting to explain the American political system.

Actually, someone should probably buy The Donald a dictionary ASAP because he’s under the very mistaken impression that he’s a man of the people. If by “people” he means humans with ungodly amounts of money who were born with every privilege in the world, he’d still be wrong because the qualifier there is “human,” which this misogynistic rotting pumpkin surely isn’t.

The Heat Miser proceeds to list all of America’s problems incurred under the Obama administration: inner cities, unemployment, drug wars, gangs, inner cities, poverty, failing infrastructure, inner cities, immigration, radical Islam, rampant violence, and most importantly, inner cities. Not listed: racism, sexism, homophobia or xenophobia and the fact that Donald Trump is actually the president of the United States. Weird.

Trump: We will be protected by God.
God: 

Conceited

I’m starting to think someone might have just let him watch all of the Purge movies and told him it was C-SPAN. He rounds the list out by promising to end this “American Carnage,” which actually does just sound like the title of the next Purge movie. Fuck.

Are there places in America where people suffer? Definitely. Should they should receive more support than they are getting? A resounding yes. Is the Trump administration going to be the one to deliver that much needed help? Doubtful, unless it’s to rich white boys who got caught raping girls on college campuses.

To call the last eight years American Carnage is not only inaccurate and a direct slight at all the good that Obama brought to this country, but WILDLY insensitive and tone deaf to the real life, real carnage happening in other parts of the world.

“Think big and dream even bigger” – Donald Trump and also every Disney movie in existence.

He goes on to list the theme of the next four years, which shockingly enough isn’t despair, fascism, or full tilt revolution, but instead “America First.” This is just a nicer way of saying “total isolationism,” a policy that includes, but is not limited to: shutting down borders to trade and immigration, punishing American companies that move out of the US, creating a registry for Muslims, ceasing the funding of foreign armies, building a literal god damn wall between the US and Mexico, and eradicating radical Islam from the face of the earth. No word on how long it will take to eradicate Nazis after that’s done, but I’m sure it’s on the docket.

Trump: The time for empty talk is over. The time for blatant lies has only just begun. Follow me on Twitter.

TL; DR: The hateful mango’s speech was a supreme divergence from any inaugural address we’ve ever heard. Usually these things have you feeling so aggressively patriotic by the end that you momentarily forget that your country is hurtling towards total destruction at the hands of racist, woman-hating asshats. Think “Yes we can!” or “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Instead of preaching hope, unity, and a bright future, Trump decided to outline the plot for the America’s next best-selling YA dystopian novel.

Trump: I will never ever let you down
America: *remembers that Trump mocked a disabled reporter, condones grabbing women by the pussy, wants to register Muslims and deport Latinos, and generally just continues to exist*

America:

What Is The Truth

Actually, I take back what I said about Trump’s Godly restraint, because it was nothing compared to Biden shaking his hand after that speech rather than punching him in the face.

The rest of the ceremony was relatively tame, as long as you don’t count the palpable misery permeating every inch of the world. Jackie Evancho drove the final nail into her very young her career’s coffin by singing the national anthem. Hopefully she can pick up a gig on the Bible Belt circuit.

Inauguration

Melania: I’ll be so much happier when I’m dead. Technically missing. Soon-to-be presumed dead. Gone. And my lazy, lying, shitting, oblivious husband will go to prison for my murder.
Trump: Are those mini corndogs? NICE.
Obama: Can’t wait to peace the fuck out of here and never see you racist fucks again.
Michelle: Dear God, grant me the patience to not go full Cersei Lannister on this stage.

As if watching orange Hitler being granted the most powerful position in the world wasn’t painful enough, we had to stand by as the Obamas made their farewells and climbed onto the jet that would take them far, far  away from this hellscape. The definition of adding insult to injury. They cried. We cried. God cried.

Don't Go

And then we started planning our resistance.

Hopefully four years from now, someone will be writing a very different recap. Hopefully we’ll be looking towards the future with hope and optimism. Hopefully there will still be a society that allows free speech.

Ideally four years from now, Hillary Clinton will have battled the blistering apricot in a Gladiator style event and come out victoriously swinging his toupee in the air. One can only dream.

Stay strong, America. We’re only three days in. There’s a whole lot of fight left to be had.

Michelle Obama’s Best Beauty Looks: A Farewell To A Very Betchy FLOTUS

Today, on this date, the world will go up in flames. At the very least, metaphorical ones. As Barry and his BFF Joe throw up the deuces to the White House, Michelle Obama and her strong arms follow suit. And we, as a nation, will miss out on all of Michelle’s hotness. Because if there’s one thing both parties can agree on, it’s this: Michelle Obama is a babe.

Besides always going high when they go low, Michelle Obama also always went like, really pretty. Over and over again. In fact, the FLOTUS rarely missed a beat when it came to her vibe, so it was pretty hard to narrow down her best looks. Whatevs though. I tried. In honor of her leaving the White House forever—only to be replaced a confused Slovenian robot—here are the FLOTUS’s top beauty moments. 

 

WTF Is The Women’s March And Should You Care?

A day after the beginning of the end, i.e. Trump’s inauguration as President, women and people who care about women are marching on Washington D.C and cities around the country. Yeah, you’ve probably heard about it and/or received a Facebook invite to a similar march in your hometown. But ew, marching = exercise = work, so you should just stay at home. Right? As our now president (*screaming internally*) would say, WRONG. Here’s why you need to give a shit.

So WTF is the Women’s March?

Feminism

Crowds are planning to march along the National Mall, like majorly big crowds, too. Hundreds of thousands are expected to turn out and turn up in D.C. alone, and probz millions more in marches organized around the country. You can find your local march here.

Probably the most important thing to note is that the marches aren’t being called “protests” for a reason. Organizers and marchers are saying they are a way to “promote women’s equity and defend other marginalized groups”. So, yes, even if you voted for the screaming cheeto as President, you can still march and support equality. I’m p sure the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Though, to stand up to the pussy-grabbing POTUS, women are making a buying “pussyhats”—pink knit hats with cat ears, naturally. If you don’t look good in hats, you can just come up with a shirt or a sign or some other clever thing to wear.

Why should you care about women’s issues and this march?

Feminism

UH because you are one, or at least, were birthed by one. Also, if you like your insurance to pay for your birth control, want access to female health care, think men and women should be paid equally for the same job, and don’t want to end up as a tribute in the Hunger Games, you might want to start standing up for yourself, fellow betches, and the future. Just sayin. 

For more news explained like this to help you stay woke over the next four years, sign up for The ‘Sup!

Orange Drinks For The Inauguration Of The Orange Man

Unfortunately for us—and like, the world—tomorrow Donald Trump, human Cheeto, will become President of the United States.

In order to kind of try to forget, we need a drink. A really strong one. Laced with Xanax, probably. But we digress. If you’re like us and borderline ready for entertainment/marches/loud protests tomorrow, make a drink that can hang.

I Need All The Alcohol

Ingredients

In a cocktail shaker, shake together alllllll of the ingredients. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with orange slice, and knock that shit back.

Oh, you need more orange alcohol recipes? Okay.

Ingredients

Shake ingredients together then pour into a chilled cocktail glass.

Ok one more so we can get on the path to Blackout Town.

Ingredients

Shake everything together then pour into a chilled glass full of ice. Garnish with a strawberry, if you feel fancy.

Let’s make America drunk again. 

“Bridget Trump’s Diary” Is The Trump Parody Account Betches Need

With inauguration day looming over the nation like the smoke and ash spewing from the top of a soon-to-erupt volcano, sometimes it seems like there’s nothing we can do but despair. But never fear, rising from the ashes is the parody Twitter account we need. Sure, our PEOTUS might be Prince of Darkness, Lord of Lies, but @BridgetTrumpsDiary is here to remind us that even the Dark Lord himself has fat days and gets starry-eyed and tongue-tied when his crush is nearby.

Bridget Jones Diary

The parody Twitter account gives readers a glimpse into the everyday thoughts and dreams of America’s favorite Third-Reich-billionaire-next-door, filled with all the self-absorption that we’ve come to adore from both loveable fictional Brit Bridget Jones and deplorable real-life limp sack of Velveeta Donald Trump. Tweets such as “Ugh. Accidentally tweeted wrong person this morning. Worried I may get fired from super important new job! Will flirtatiously shrug it off” help to humanize our future Disaster in Chief. Tbh, the account’s diary style reads like any betch’s teenage journal entries after one too many vodka sodas. Just add sociopathy and a hard-on for Vladimir Putin!

BRIDGET TRUMP
January -An exceptionally bad start
Drunk tweeted Assange
Calories consumed -6,000 but mainly the hopes & dreams of the poor

— BRIDGETTRUMPSDIARY (@BRIDGETTRUMPSD1) January 8, 2017

Bridget Trump’s Diary even provides a helpful outline for ways readers might be able to improve our own journaling routines. That Putin-lovin’ cutie uses the Twitter diary to keep track of important information. Her tweets show mindful monitoring of budgeting (see: “I WILL NOT Waste money on: unaffordable health care, tax, planned parenthood, moving to Washington or exotic underwear”), careful calorie counting (“Bday lunch w/ Eric 3,000 cals (Tiger meat v calorific)”), and celebrating times her S.O. has made her smile (“Hurrah! Vlad agreed to recite a poem at inauguration, he said it is more of a ‘limerick’ about a girl from Ealing. Am popular sex goddess!”).

I WILL NOT bitch about anyone behind their backs will instead be positive about everyone*

*Apart from Vile Baldwin & SNL cast – OVERRATED

— BRIDGETTRUMPSDIARY (@BRIDGETTRUMPSD1) January 19, 2017

So, as you’re pounding back shots and ignoring the inauguration this weekend, let @BridgetTrumpsDiary be the beacon of light that distracts you from your terror and misery. Assuming Vladimir Putin’s cute butt isn’t distracting enough.