Last week, Bachelor Nation was shocked to learn that Cassie Randolph filed for a restraining order against Colton Underwood, and since then, things have taken a dark turn. On Monday, September 14, a judge signed off on Cassie’s request for a temporary order which requires Colton to stay at least 100 yards away from Cassie, her home, and her workplace. It also prohibits him from contacting, harassing, threatening, or attacking her.
When Cassie first filed the restraining order, it was reported that she made several allegations against Colton, including that he harassed her over text message, took “obsessive walks” to her apartment complex, and placed a tracker on her car. Now, E! News has obtained the full legal filing, and there are a lot more details about what allegedly went down and the timeline of this whole f*cked up situation.
In her official restraining order filing, Cassie lists the “dates of abuse” as starting in June, and continuing through late August—all after they announced their breakup in May of this year.
One of the first alleged incidents included in the complaint took place on June 27th, when Cassie was staying with her parents in Orange County. According to the filing, Cassie’s brother “saw Mr. Underwood in the alley outside Ms. Randolph’s bedroom window at two in the morning.” The filing states that after being confronted, Colton sent “threatening texts” to Cassie, as well as her best friend Linda and her brother. Since then, the filing states that Colton has again been seen “hanging around Ms. Randolph’s family home in Huntington Beach.”
In the texts from that night, Colton called Cassie “a selfish person who isn’t ready to be loved,” and accused her of disrespecting him after he “spent two years loving you the best I could.” He also called her “so shady” and said “you hid things from me”. A few hours later, he sent another message apologizing.
The filing also alleges that Colton has been hanging around Cassie’s home and on the street near her home, and that Cassie’s neighbors, family, and friends of the family have all seen him. On July 27th, Cassie’s friend Caelan came over to her apartment, and almost immediately, Colton “obsessively called and sent text messages to Ms. Randolph about the visit.” A few days later, Colton “showed up again at Ms. Randolph’s apartment, still upset again about Caelan’s visit”, and told Cassie, “I’m going to keep you accountable.”
Things between Cassie and Colton escalated once again in mid-August, when Cassie and her friends allegedly began receiving harassing text messages from anonymous phone numbers. Colton received similar text messages, but he later admitted to sending the texts, and texting himself so he would also look like a victim of the texting attack.
That same week, Cassie alleges she discovered a tracking device taped to her car, and that’s when she contacted the police and hired a private investigator to look into the situation. Two days later, after being approached about the numerous incidents, Colton “admitted that he was the one who put the tracker on her car and had been the one sending text messages to her, her friends and himself, under the alias phone numbers.” Colton himself has not publicly commented on the allegations and when reached by E!, a rep for Colton declined to comment on the situation based on the fact that this is an ongoing legal matter.
While things have obviously turned toxic between Cassie and Colton at this point, for a while, it seemed like their breakup was going okay. According to an E! News source, Cassie and Colton began filming a new reality show together in June, though it’s reported that Colton pulled out of the show when “things got really tough.” The first alleged incident Cassie reported took place in late June, so it didn’t take long for things to go bad once they were working together.
Then, in July, things between the pair soured publicly for the first time, after an appearance on a Bachelor GOAT episode in which Cassie was asked about her and Colton’s situation. While she didn’t reveal any major information, Colton clearly felt that she breached some agreement they’d had not to talk about the breakup, and he shaded her in an Instagram caption, saying that “obviously a lot changed this week.” In response, Cassie addressed Colton in Instagram story posts, calling Colton out for “trying to make me look like the bad one.” At the time, the root of this tension wasn’t known, but Cassie’s legal filing gives a lot more context to what was happening between them over the summer. The order will last until October 6th, at which point, there will be a hearing to determine the future of the case.
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Images: Tsuni-USA / Shutterstock.com
It’s been a strange summer in Bachelor Nation, with no new of Bachelor in Paradise, Clare’s season of The Bachelorette delayed several months, and ABC continually shoving three-hour recaps of boring old seasons down our throats. But in the absence of any new drama happening on our TV screens, there’s still some wild sh*t going down away from the cameras. Today, it was reported that Cassie Randolph filed for a restraining order against her ex Colton Underwood, and WE NEED ANSWERS.
As we all know, Cassie (very reluctantly) won Colton’s season of The Bachelor, which somehow happened just last year. They eschewed Bachelor tradition by not getting engaged on the final episode, but continued their relationship for over a year after their time on the show ended. This spring, Colton was one of the first major public figures diagnosed with COVID-19, and he even quarantined at Cassie’s parents’ house! But they ultimately broke up not long after in May, which wasn’t a huge shock to anyone, and there was essentially no public drama surrounding the breakup at the time. More than three months later, we still don’t know any of the specific reasons behind the split, but it’s safe to say that the resulting drama has bubbled to the surface.
In July, they had a public disagreement on Instagram, after Cassie made an appearance on an episode of Bachelor GOAT, where she was interviewed by Chris Harrison. Unsurprisingly, the breakup came up during the interview, and Colton then came for Cassie on Instagram, claiming that they had agreed to handle their personal matters privately, but “obviously a lot changed this week.” Cassie addressed Colton’s post on her Instagram story, writing that she was “frustrated” with his subtle attempts to “make me look like the bad one.”
So that all happened in early July, and then we basically heard nothing… until today. According to legal documents obtained by TMZ, Cassie filed the paperwork to obtain a restraining order on Friday in Los Angeles, but so far it’s unclear what allegations have been made, or if a judge has signed off on the order. So WTF happened now, more than three months after their breakup, to make Cassie take this step? First and foremost, I hope everyone in this situation is safe, but most people don’t just file a restraining order for no reason. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, and what response, if any, Colton will give to today’s news.
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Images: Tsuni-USA / Shutterstock.com; coltonunderwood / Instagram
Regardless of whether you hate them or love them, it’s undeniable that the women of The Bachelor know a thing or two about beauty. Whether it’s how to maintain your makeup on the beaches of paradise or getting that perfect no-makeup makeup look while chilling in the mansion, these girls clearly know which products you should be blowing your entire paycheck on buying. So, given their authority on the matter, here are each of their must-have beauty products they can’t live without, and so we shouldn’t be either.
1. Cassie Randolph
Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask, $20
If you haven’t heard about this lip mask by now, then I’m sorry but you don’t have any friends… or just definitely don’t follow Cassie Randolph on Instagram. Because, if you did, you would know how much she loves this product. This lip sleeping mask is Cassie’s holy grail for keeping her lips hydrated and, since she is in fact the face of effortless California beauty, I’m taking her word for it.
2. Lauren Bushnell
Lauren Bushnell Lane is living the DREAM post-Bachelor life. She’s a Revolve influencer who also just married a country music star—what more could any ex-contestant want? Also, did anyone else see her proposal video from Chris Lane? I legit cried and like, I don’t even know these people. Anyway, Lauren’s hair always looks amazing and she credits this dry texture foam via IG for helping her create her signature look. So yes, I’ll be adding this to my cart as well.
3. Amanda Stanton
Kate Somerville EradiKate Acne Treatment, $26
First off, I didn’t even know Amanda Stanton ever got pimples…it just doesn’t seem possible, she’s too perfect. But apparently she does, and she shared with us via Insta stories that this Kate Somerville acne treatment is her saving grace. And it clearly works considering I’ve never seen Amanda with any sort of blemish, EVER.
4. JoJo Fletcher
Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Extra Strength Daily Peel, $88
If you can’t afford to get facials and laser treatments every week like all of these ex-Bachelor contestants can, then this product, which is one of JoJo’s faves, is the next best thing. Of course, JoJo actually does get all of those expensive treatments anyway but, according to her Instagram “beauty” highlights, she’s a fan of these peels as well. And, I can personally vouch for the fact that these peel pads are incredible and worth the steep price.
5. Becca Tilley
Becca Tilley, the famous virgin before it was a singular Bachelor personality trait (looking at you Colton Underwood) is one of the most beautiful women to ever grace this show. On her Instagram, she attributes her great skin to this device which exfoliates the skin (and also happens to look super cute on your bathroom vanity). Which, sadly, is indeed a trait I look for in my beauty products.
6. Ashley Iaconetti
iS Clinical Active Serum, $138
Ashely I. is obsessed with everything beauty. So when it comes to skincare, we can trust that she knows which products actually work. This serum is by iS Clinical, which is a brand favorite amongst influencers and celebrities beyond #BachelorNation. So, no offense to Ashley I., but there are some actual A-listers vouching for it as well. It’s expensive, which is why I’ve never personally tried it yet. However, if you’re like, rich or something and have tried it then please, let us peasants know how it is.
7. Kaitlyn Bristowe
Tan Luxe The Face Illuminating Self-Tan Drops, $49
Another Bachelor fave product that I also happen to use and love is the Tan Luxe Face Self-Tan drops. Kaitlyn shared with E! that she uses this oil so she can get away with wearing less makeup. Which like, same sis, I use this product in place of having to wear foundation. It’s amazing for blurring imperfections and creating the appearance of an even skin tone, making it a great substitute for your daily face beat.
8. Hannah Brown
Kevyn Aucoin Gossamer Loose Powder, $72
Don’t worry guys, I’m not about to give you Hannah Brown’s mascara recommendation here. Hopefully, by now someone has introduced her to a good waterproof one. But anyways, I’m here to let you in on her makeup artist’s secret for keeping Hannah’s makeup in place during those long hours as The Bachelorette. Hannah’s makeup artist, Gina Modica, credits this loose powder to keeping Hannah’s makeup flawless all night long.
9. Hannah Godwin
Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $27
Hannah Godwin is a fan of this cult-favorite concealer product as her go-to for covering her dark circles. Everyone who has tried this product also raves about it so like, even if you don’t trust Hannah’s judgment (because I mean she did have that little lapse in judgment with Blake), you can at least just trust the rest of the internet.
10. Demi Burnett
Besides being known for being unapologetically herself, when you think of Demi you can’t help but picture her long, gorgeous locks. No matter what, even amidst the heat and humidity of Paradise, her hair always looked fresh and bouncy. Considering my hair is the complete opposite, I’ll definitely be trying her go-to product, this Biosilk treatment, and basically just pray for a miracle.
11. Tayshia Adams
This eye cream from Kiehl’s is actually a men’s product, but if Tayshia swears by it, then IDC because gender is a social construct anyway. Kiehl’s is a trusted brand on its own and, apparently, this eye cream kept Tayshia looking her best, even after a night of long-ass rose ceremonies. This eye cream contains caffeine and Vitamin B3 to reduce puffiness and dark circles, which I imagine is something every contestant could actually use on this show.
12. Caelynn Miller-Keyes
Boscia White Charcoal Mattifying Makeup Setting Spray, $38
Any Bachelor In Paradise alum who still looks stunning a few weeks into the season, even as their eyelash extensions get mangled and their spray tans fade, can be trusted with their recommendation for a makeup setting spray. Of course, it helps that all these girls are all so stunning to start with, but being able to maintain a full face of makeup without ANY air conditioning anywhere is a true feat. And for that reason, I’ll be purchasing Caelynn’s go-to setting spray. Plus, it must be good if it’s getting her through the van life with Deaniebabies.
I mean, I don’t know which of these aspiring influencers I can trust is actually “here for the right reasons” but pretty sure I can trust almost all of them on which beauty products are worth it. And, at the end of the day, is anyone ever truly there for the “right reasons” anyway? Groundbreaking but like, something to think about.
Images: Charley Gallay/Getty Images for PUMA; Sephora (6); Dermstore; Revolve; Ulta (3); Kiehl’s
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Last night, after weeks of complete uncertainty over who Colton would choose (I kid, we’ve all known for weeks), The Bachelor ended with Cassie as the winner. Unlike most seasons, there was no proposal at the end, but Colton and Cassie both took to Instagram to prove how in love they are. They’ve both posted twice since the finale aired, and all of the posts make me want to throw up in my mouth. What can I say, I’m cynical like that! And because I’ve had to suffer through reading these captions, so should you.
Before reading all of these sappy captions, it’s important to remember that this is a relationship from a TV show, so their entire relationship has to be taken with about a tablespoon of salt. I’m not saying that they’re definitely not into each other at all, but I have eyes and a TV and Cassie looked like she was uncomfortable around Colton for this entire season, including last night when they got back together. I guess things can change, but this is a pretty major 180 from when she literally dumped him in Portugal and he had to chase after her through the streets. (Reading that back, it sounds less like the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks-type love story and more like the intro to an episode of Criminal Minds.)
But back to these photos. Colton started things off with this picture of him and Cassie in bed, because being in bed together is a thing they do now. Don’t you guys know? He was a VIRGIN and now he is NOT! I really want to know who took this picture, because it’s either on a self-timer, which is the least sexy thing in the world, or there’s a third person in the room, which means the photo is 100% staged—and, I take it back, that’s the least sexy thing in the world. Either way, these two are already pros at taking staged candids that look good on Instagram. I see a bright future ahead of them!
In the caption, Colton calls Cassie his “future fiancé” and “future wife,” which would be sweet if we didn’t just watch him basically bribe her with a trip to Spain just so she wouldn’t block his number. That brings me to the end of the caption, which is by far the worst thing I’ve ever read:
Let’s do this thing they call life… together… forever.”
STOP. NO. I HATE IT SO MUCH. This is like Colton read a list of the worst couples Instagram captions and figured out a way to roll them all into one. I really can’t with this whole “doing life together” thing. Like, they’re not even engaged. Congrats Colton, you have a girlfriend, now please just leave us all in peace.
Cassie’s first post revealing her relationship with Colton features a caption that is almost 400 words long. If you’re wondering, so far this article is ~250 words, so congrats for reading 2/3rds of a Cassie Randolph Instagram caption. We’re so blessed. If you don’t feel like reading the caption (I support you), it’s basically a commercial for how going on The Bachelor can change your life. At the end, she talks about the pressures of social media, and how she’s trying not to let others get to her. Honestly, I’m just impressed she managed to type a short-form essay on a touchscreen keyboard.
One hour later, Cassie followed up her Insta manifesto with another post about her and Colton, this time with a mirror selfie of them kissing. Cool. After the first post, Cassie must have gotten a warning from Instagram about her caption length or something, because this time she kept it to one chunky paragraph. She talks about how things weren’t always easy with Colton, but they’ve built an amazing relationship in the last four months, and now they’re stronger than ever. (Said by every couple four months into a relationship because it’s the honeymoon phase.) Here’s the sentence I want printed on my tombstone:
You jumped a fence, took a risk, and challenged the “rules” to fight for us.
Damn girl. I don’t know if Taylor Swift is hiring any new songwriters right now, but Cassie should really hit her up. I’m happy that Colton and Cassie are happy, and I of course expected them to capitalize on the post-finale buzz, but these captions are kind of sending me over the edge. I really don’t want to know what their text conversations look like, but I’m imagining a lot of run-on sentences and butterfly emojis. Or more likely, they don’t speak to each other except for when Mike Fleiss texts them a reminder of the stipulations in their contracts. Ah, young love.
For his second post of the night, Colton went with a selfie in the car, holding the fake butterfly that Cassie gave him when she got out of the limo on the first night. He says in the caption that Cassie doesn’t know he kept it, but he tags her in the goddamn photo, so I think the secret is out.
Of course, all the faces of BachelorNation wanted to similarly capitalize on the finale, so there were dozens of Bachelor alums commenting on all their photos. I’ve done you all the service of condensing some of my (least) favorites:
First of all, 10,000 eye-rolls to Colton for still bringing up that stupid gate fence every chance he gets. We get it, you jumped over a thing once in Portugal, can we please move on with our lives? Jade chimes in to declare that “love wins,” which I’m pretty sure is a slogan that was initially meant to support actual issues like marriage equality, but sure, why not.
Caelynn is obviously sooooo happy for Colton and Cassie, especially because she was basically pimping Cassie out the second she got eliminated. Caelynn is probably still salty she didn’t get chosen to be The Bachelorette, but at least she can comment something nice on her friend’s Insta.
Aaaaand rounding things out, we have thirsty Ashley I. being thirsty, as per usual. “Giddy” seems like way too strong of a word for people she’s probably met like, one time.
Congratulations to Colton and Cassie, but you better believe they’re both getting muted on Instagram for the foreseeable future. We’ll see how many weeks these declarations of love last, before they revert to Flat Tummy Tea #spon and never mention one another again. I’m so sad this season is over, can you tell?
Images: ABC; @coltonunderwood (2), @cassierandolph (2) / Instagram
I never thought I’d say this, but like the Boys II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye” to The Bachelor Season 23. Yes, a season where we allowed a 26-year-old man to put us under Citizens Arrest for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Men and women canceled their new years resolutions in exchange for arguments with their TV and beating boxed wine to its expiration date. But hey, all good things must come to an end, right? Let’s hope one of them is this virginity talk. Let’s see how the two-night finale, that could’ve been an email, shook out.
Chris Harrison (dressed like a hearse driver) decides to rip the scab off that had began to heal by starting Monday’s finale with a recap of the season. Why put us through this pain AGAIN? You’ve already done it to us every Monday of 2019. For those that didn’t see every Monday episode, you still have more brain cells than the rest of us, and your IQ isn’t a single digit. But here’s a snippet of what you missed: Boy starts out with 30 women to date him, all but six Irish exit. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
We pick back up with Colton post-fence jump storming down the street because Domino’s Portugal is about to close in 5 minutes. (I understand his rage, because with no phone, you can’t call Postmates). After the producers find Colton via his Life Alert necklace, he screams at them: “I’m done. Done with the whole thing!” The response would make you think someone just asked him, “Are you finished with your vegetables?,” but no, Colton was referring to his time as The Bachelor. One of the producers gives him a big hug, consoles him, and whispers: “We got a show to produce, we already prepaid these dates, so you better love somebody.” After finding out that if he cancels the season, he’s financially responsible for the cost of the remaining dates, he changes his tune.
After a good night’s sleep on a twin extra long mattress, Colton decides to pay Tayshia a visit because she’s the only one with English channels on her TV. After he tells her that he’s only capable of loving one thing (which is a lie, I love Cinnabon and I love the color gray) she asks to speak to him without the cameras. This was probably the most upset I’ve been all season, because all seven-foot-twelve of Colton breaks out into tears, and we don’t get to see any of it. Just like that, Tayshia is now gone, and back to Orange County trying to get on a reboot of the MTV show The Hills.
Nighttime falls, and Colton goes to visit Hannah G. who has been locked in a hotel room since before indoor plumbing was a thing. She’s super excited to tell Colton “I love you,” when all he plans on telling her is, “Your gate # is E15 back to Alabama.” Colton tries to communicate that he really thinks that they could be great together, and even tells her at one point: “I thought it was gonna be you.” Well I’m pretty sure she was thinking the same thing when you had your tongue near her pancreas in Thailand, but hey, things change.
At this point of the finale, Hannah G. comes out to show the post-Bachelor glow-up, and lets Colton have it in the most eloquent way possible. She pretty much lets him know, “What Cassie did to you, you did to me.” You can tell that was a prepared statement because she had it written on her hand like the answers to a high school Spanish test. Bachelor alums Ben Higgins, Blake, Garrett, and Jason come out to discuss what’s going on right now, but I really think they’re only there because Colton owes them money and keeps rejecting their Venmo requests. PAY UP, COLTON.
One thing to not be forgotten is that in this way-too-long-finale, Cassie says, “Colton wants a wife and family, and I’m not ready for that.” I’m pretty sure that’s the FIRST question on the Bachelor/Bachelorette application that we fill out.
Question 1: Are you ready to be married? If yes, proceed to question 2. If no, what the hell are you doing here?
Cassie: “Colton wants a life and a family, and I’m not ready for that.”
Umm Cassie…what show did you think you were going on, The Price is Right???#thebachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 12, 2019
In another attempt to live life with fewer brain cells, we subject ourselves to another two hours that could’ve been a voicemail on Tuesday. Colton realizes that he missed his flight home, and since the next flight to the Americas isn’t for another 48 hours, he might as well go to Home Depot, get some kneepads, and beg for his girl back. Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel unannounced, with no gifts, no flowers, no nothing. This shows the lack of commitment here, because my 30 years of experience with women on this earth tells me if you at LEAST show up with hummus, they’ll at bare minimum listen to you.
After being forced out of her room by production, Colton tells Cassie that he sent Tayshia and Hannah home, to which she laughs in his face, and says how weird/crazy he is. Let’s set the record straight. Colton may be one thing, but he’s not weird! Definitely is crazy though, because I’ve seen him go several minutes without blinking, and that in itself should be enough for him to have to wear one of those jackets that make you hug yourself. Colton continues to beg like a toddler at bedtime, and Cassie decides to meet his family in Spain get another free first class trip.
Cassie meets the family, and I can already tell that Momma Colton wants to beat Cassie’s ass for showing up empty-handed. Colton and his mother talk and she expresses her concerns, and Colton wants to hear none of it because, like finding Michelle Obama’s book at the library, there are no options left. Colton’s dad probably calls it how it is the most, telling Colton, “I just think you want what you can’t have.” I think this is probably true, and makes sense why I want Meghan Markle so much because she hasn’t returned any of my calls.
After convincing her to not reject him on TV again, Colton and Cassie enjoy their final date in Portugal. They take a nice ride in a Jeep and rappel down a cliff to Yogi Bear & Boo Boo’s leftover picnic basket. The love that Colton has for this girl is evident because he does all of this in dress shoes, which makes me think that the $2 shoe rental I paid at rock climbing last week was complete BS. During the picnic, Cassie begins to have a little bit of a deeper convo, and tells Colton she’s scared of a relationship controlling your life. Again, I ask: “WHAT SHOW DID YOU SIGN UP FOR?” Thinking a relationship controls your life is as narrow-minded as thinking that the cartoon roadrunner is ever going to get caught. Not. Gonna Happen.
Cassie thinks being in a relationship is a risk. That’s not a risk.
A risk is doing the “running of the bulls” with a steak tied to your ass.#thebachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 13, 2019
At the night portion of the final date, Cassie and Colton have the weirdest interaction possible. It’s just weird because he won’t stop smiling, and she can’t get this “WTF are you smiling at?” look off her face. After saying that she’s open to a Costco sized bag of relationship, Cassie and Colton head to the fantasy suite. Like a boy who’s excited to play Nintendo for the first time, Colton kicks everyone out the room so he can take off Cassie’s “wrapping.” By all indications, there was some ACTION that night. Cassie’s hair looked like she slept in the dryer on “Tumble.” At the after show, Colton wouldn’t confirm that he now knows what the inside of a condom wrapper looks like, but given the fact that he pranced to the hot seat, we can only guess that he did the deed.
The end of the show reveals that Hannah B. will be our new Bachelorette, which also means the amount of teeth you’re going to see on your screen in the coming months will drastically increase.
This has been a tiring, and tumultuous season, and I never thought I’d wish someone got laid more than me.
Images: Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter (2)
Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap, people! ABC has been teasing all goddamn season that our favorite virgin who can’t drive would be jumping a fence at some point AND TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT. Hold on to your rose, betches, because it’s finally happening! It’s been a dramatic few weeks for The Bachelor, what with Hometowns being last week and Colton’s virginity up for debate over a questionable Snapchat. For the record, I do think Colton’s a virgin (or at least v inexperienced), because only a virgin and 14-year-old boys trying to sound cool in a group chat would use the term “big tittied hoe.” Moving on. I’ve decided to make things interesting this week and drink every time I would jump a fence during one of these dates. Considering the three remaining women have the combined maturity of a baby’s rattle, I think we should start my funeral preparations now. Let’s get started!
This week starts off back at the last rose ceremony, with Colton asking Chris Harrison where he’s supposed to put it in. Jesus.
^^A deleted scene from this week’s episode!
Meanwhile, Colton just completely abandons the women in the other room. They’re like “I wonder what he wants to talk to Chris about?” and it’s like, don’t worry ladies! He’s only asking where a woman’s clit is—I’m sure he’ll figure it out by next week!
Colton heads back to the ladies to let them know that they’ll be going to Portugal this week for Fantasy Suites. Okay, the women look far too excited about the Fantasy Suites. They do realize that if Colton’s virginity story is actually to be believed, they’ll be lucky if he lasts through foreplay (assuming Chris Harrison even explained to him what that was).
Cut to a montage of all the women reminiscing on their good times with Colton. Cassie’s like, “It’s been an amazing journey” and then the camera pans to Colton grabbing her ass. I do love these producers sometimes. A+ cutting this episode!
TAYSHIA’S DATE:
First up this week is Tayshia, and I’ll be interested to see if Colton actually sleeps with her. I feel like he’s the most unsure about her, and I highly doubt he’s going to lose his virginity to a girl he’s unsure about. Plus, if there’s any girl he wants to put his dick in first it will be Cassie.
For their date, they go on a romantic helicopter ride and honestly I’m bored. Tayshia’s not saying anything that makes me think Colton will sleep with her, but damn is she trying to.
TAYSHIA: So what else haven’t you done before?
COLTON: R u f*cking serious?
Okay, their banter makes me wish I was born without ears. Tayshia tells Colton that there are “ways to loosen that up” when he mentions his pants being too tight and she’s certainly referring to the obligatory hand job production told her she had to give him later tonight. You guys, the romance in the air tn, it’s unreal!
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton starts out the night by telling Tayshia he can see her boob tape, which is exactly what my senior year formal date told me about the deep-v Tobi dress I wore AND GUESS WHAT COLTON he didn’t get laid either! Jesus GOD. That is not how you woo a lady. Also, do we think she’s flashing him on purpose? Like as a subliminal message? “SLEEP WITH ME, PLEASE.”
I guess the boob tape didn’t work, because Colton tells her that he’s not ready to sleep with her just yet. He’s like “intimacy is a big step” and it’s like, he does realize he has to get engaged at the end of this right?
Damn. Tayshia is pulling out allllll the stops. After Colton tells her he’s not ready to sleep with her she tells him another sob story, because she knows there’s nothing that gets that guy harder than other people’s emotional duress.
TAYSHIA: I just have a lot of trust issues because my ex-husband cheated on me so…
COLTON: So I would never do that to you. I don’t even want to sleep with you right now!
Tayshia isn’t the only one pulling out all the stops, because this entire champagne scene must have been scripted in a writer’s room. They’ve got Colton over here talking about pressure to perform and then prematurely spraying champagne all over Tayshia. It’s a little heavy-handed, even for ABC.
Cut to the next morning and Tayshia’s like “that was interesting.” LOL. That’s not the way you wanna be described, Colton, I hate to say it! I love how Tayshia is trying to hard to make it seem like they did stuff last night and Colton keeps shutting it down by saying “it was a nice conversation.”
Yeahhh, she’s def going home this week. Better luck in Paradise, sweetie!
CASSIE’S DATE:
Cassie’s up next and I’m already alarmed by her outfit choice. Seriously, wtf are you wearing girlfriend? A turtleneck? On Fantasy Suite night?? The vibe she’s sending out rn is about as sexy as my period panties, but okay.
For their date, they amble around the town square and desecrate historical buildings by aggressively dry humping each other against them. I will say it’s pretty clear that Colton is only into Cassie at this point. A sweet old man tries to dance with her for a second, and Colton The Caveman is like “Hey that’s my girlfriend! My hands are on her ass and everything!”
They find a quiet spot overlooking the city to have a picnic, and watching them try to describe this breathtaking view with their limited vocabulary of “pretty” and “so cute” is making me want to throw this empty wine bottle at my TV screen.
COLTON: Did you think Portugal would be this pretty?
CASSIE: No, I had literally no idea. NONE. Nope. No.
THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH UNCULTURED SWINE. DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.
Colton admits to Cassie that her dad didn’t give him his blessing for marriage and she’s acting like she just realized this will all end in a marriage proposal. I’m sorry, but is this your first time watching The Bachelor or something? Is it just me, or does it feel like Cassie is looking for any excuse she can to be eliminated this week? First with the turtleneck, and now with the sudden passion for family values. I can’t.
CASSIE: I’ve never been this confused about something this big
Sweetie, it’s a fake TV engagement. It’s not that big of a deal.
OMG WHAT. Cassie’s dad, who looks less like a father figure and more like someone Scientology hired to to speak to the youths so they could fulfill their 2019 quota, just showed up in Portugal. I repeat: a father just showed up in Portugal. This is not a drill!! I can only assume he’s there to finish blowing up Cassie’s relationship with Colton, right? *turns up volume*
Lol. I love how her dad is acting like they’re super religious and believe in the sanctity of marriage, and it’s like, then you’re gonna have a real hard time watching the footage from this season because it’s mostly Colton slapping your daughter’s ass.
Cassie decides to break up with Colton because SURPRISE, SURPRISE she’s not mature enough for marriage. Kirpa, if you’re reading this, I hope you feel vindicated.
Meanwhile, Colton is out here lighting candles and strategically placing condoms throughout the suite. I’ve literally never been so giddy in my entire life to watch someone be emotionally ruined. Please carry on.
CASSIE: I thought it would bother you more that my dad hates you?
COLTON: It did but, like, I still want to bang you know?
Okay, she is not doing a good job of breaking this to him. She tells him that their love isn’t the same as her parents, and while I do think this show is stupid and her dad is right, I don’t think it’s fair to tell a person that their love isn’t right because it’s not like how love happened to you. This is such a bullsh*t excuse. 
She is soooo bad at articulating her thoughts. She can’t even string a full sentence together! All she keeps saying is “I don’t know” and flipping her hair. She’s like a doll that only knows a few phrases and keeps repeating them until someone smashes her head off.
Cassie tries to walk away but Colton finds her hyperventilating by a bush. Omg did he just try and get another ass grab in?? Colton, stop making this decision easier for her!
Colton tells her he loves her and he would literally leave this show for her and she’s just like “Idk.” I can’t believe he just laid all his cards out like that!! He must really be panicking here.
COLTON: There’s no pressure to get married at the end of this.
THE PRODUCERS OVER HIS SHOULDER:
Lol. Colton is like “I love you, I want to be with you” and Cassie just looks f*cking miserable. I don’t know why (it’s definitely the wine) but I can’t stop giggling watching this. The horror in her eyes as they hug combined with the sound of his goddamn body shaking in the background is sending me over the edge here. ABC, bravo.
Colton walks Cassie out and she tells him that she wants him to be with someone who is insanely in love with her, and that feels like a very low blow. The man just said he’s only here for you and this is his own goddamn show!
WHAT. DID SHE JUST SAY I LOVE YOU? Cassie is sending Colton more mixed signals than Colton has about his sexuality all season.
At this point in the evening, I’m 3.5 glasses of wine deep, and every time Cassie breathes I start mentally chanting “fence jump.” I came here to watch a grown man cry and SO HELP ME I better get to see that happen.
We’re eight minutes until the end of the episode and Colton finally breaks. I’m sweating and I may or may not have just let out a high-pitched squeal that sent my dog running into the other room. IT. IS. HAPPENING. Y’ALL.
I love that Chris Harrison is just lurking in the bushes. Someone is like “Chris can you get out here please” and he just pops out from behind some shrubbery. Is this what they pay you the big bucks for, buddy?
CHRIS HARRISON: I’m too old for this sh*t.
They start searching the streets of Portugal and Colton is nowhere to be found. Chris is like “there’s dogs barking down here.” and it’s like, okay Chris Harrison. Chill. You’re not on Chicago PD. No need to show off your detective skills here.
The episode ends with Chris Harrison and a camera crew looking for Colton on the streets of Portugal and whistling for him like he’s a damn dog. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if production was able to lure him out from behind some trash cans with a piece of cheese. Until then, Betches!
Images: ABC (2); Giphy (4); @tvgoldtweets / Twitter; @tayshiaaa /Instagram
It’s an inconvenient truth that many reality stars have been on more than one show. Stassi Schroeder was on The Amazing Race before she became your favorite member of the Witches of WeHo, Cameran Eubanks was on The Real World before she was Shep’s unrequited love on Southern Charm, and Colton Underwoods’s favorite just-the-tip partner, Cassie, was on a reality series called Young Once. I’m shocked! Scandalized! Offended! Actually, I’m kidding. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but reality stars all just want to be famous, and they’ll go on as many shows as it takes. My apologies if you’re the last person on Earth who thought Bachelor contestants were there for “the right reasons.” Have they told you about the tooth fairy yet? I sure hope so. Fictional concepts aside, here’s what I was able to learn about Cassie’s reality show, Young Once.
Young Once describes itself as a “television docuseries which follows a group of students from one of North America’s most conservative schools, where alcohol, drugs and sex are off-limits. Woven between the campus pranks, romances and finals, is a funny and endearing coming-of-age story that doesn’t take itself too seriously but shows the depth and contemplative nature of the students.” Sounds boring af. Wait. Does this mean that if if no one is having sex you can call your reality show a “docuseries?” Mike Fleiss, you can change the marketing for this season. The Bachelor: Colton Edition is definitely a docuseries. BURN.
So here’s the deal. The first season of Young Once aired in 2016 and followed Cassie and her boyfriend at the time, Caelan (not to be confused with Caelynn), as they drank virgin piña coladas, watched Leave it to Beaver, and dry humped on an IKEA couch, exclaiming, “the contract says this is okay!” I paraphrased that quote, and most of their activities, but according to all the lovelies on the bachelor subreddit, students do have to sign a no-sex contract. (Please don’t tell my dad those exist!) That no-sex contract sounds worse than the contract I signed for my shoebox Upper West Side apartment, and that one required me to cook on a hot plate for a year. Then, in 2018, Cassie and Caelan went back and filmed season 2, which is airing now and follows Cassie and her slightly tweaked face as she and Caelan are at a crossroads in their relationship. Spoiler alert: the relationship ends.
As people got wind of this show airing at the same time as The Bachelor and featuring Cassie with a maybe-boyfriend, Bachelor Nation was naturally up in arms. They will not abide a contestant dating more than one person at a time! It’s only okay when the leads do it! So Cassie and Caelan each addressed the controversy on Instagram, the People magazine of millennials. Let’s take a look:
Oh hi, Caelan, you’re cute! Want to replace a Bachelor I know? In his post, Caelan basically says that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is “a strategy to attract viewers.” No duh. And you posting about this show is also “a strategy to attract viewers.” Ain’t nobody better than anybody else here, pal! The rest is basically a boring company line, so let’s take one more look at his pretty face instead.
Caelan’s explanation is pretty much what you would expect from any PR person. Cassie’s explanation, on the other hand, is very suspicious. Let’s analyze.
Okay, a glamour shot. Sure. Very relevant to the caption! Way to take a page out of Jenna’s playbook. I guess Cassie doesn’t want to hurt Colton’s feelings by posting an old picture with someone who has more sex appeal in his left pinky than Colton has in his entire spray-tanned body. Makes sense. Cassie claims that during the second season of Young Once she and Caelan were never a couple again, and I can’t dispute this fact since I never watched this show, never will, and I think she knows that. Clever.
What I would like to point out is that Cassie claims they filmed before she knew she was going on The Bachelor. OH, REALLY? Because according to Reality Steve, Young Once was filmed TWO WEEKS before Cassie went on The Bachelor. If you believe she didn’t know she was going on The Bachelor at that point, then you must also believe that the world is flat, and that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together, and I believe that I don’t want to know you. I understand Cassie not wanting to look like a two-timer, but didn’t that conservative Christian college tell you thou shalt not lie? Or did they forget that lesson while they were busy policing the students’ drinking habits?
And that’s Young Once! Have any of you actually watched it? Do I dare tear my eyes away from Russian Doll to give it a chance? Let me know!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy; caelantiongson, cassierandolph/Instagram
