Welcome back to Paradise, people! Never mind that it’s absolutely blasphemous that ABC would air any sort of summer-themed content after the fall equinox. The last thing I want to see as I nose dive directly into October (and any pumpkin flavored abomination within 50 feet of me) is a hot person in swimwear. It should be illegal. I’m ready to drown myself in flannel and oversized sweaters; I don’t need to be reminded of the shape of bodies by looking at Serene’s near perfect form for the next 4-6 weeks. ABC, why can’t you let us have this one nice thing?
For those of you who are new to Paradise, well then, welcome to this hedonistic den of sin that ABC calls a beach! Throw all your previous Bachelor franchise knowledge out the door, because this show is none of that. Instead, be prepared to spend four hours of your week watching a singular cold sore pass through an entire population at an alarming rate. It’s like a fun human experiment, except with less science and more tequila. Far too much tequila. Let’s jump into it!
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Very early on, I’m clued in that this season of BiP is distinctly different from the other seasons—and not just because Jesse Palmer tells us that if we listen closely enough we can still “hear the sound of crying.” No shit. The spectral energy generated from Ashley Iaconetti’s tears alone would be enough to curse the land and ensure that nothing grows above or below.
No, that stretch of beach is being haunted by something far more sinister than just human tears. It starts with the intros. Normally the intros are a time when contestants poke fun at the serious exteriors ABC crafted for them during their runs on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Perfect examples of this are Evan Bass, the erectile dysfunction doctor, peeling a banana mockingly for the cameras, and Becca Kufrin dropping her engagement ring in a glass of champagne à la First Wives Club. Unlike when they were trying their hands at polygamy, the contestants are now fully aware of their public narratives and are playing right into them. It’s not serious; it’s all fun and games!
But there’s nothing fun about these intros. Instead, we’re assaulted with footage that makes a great case for why God should release another divine flood. Hunter, whose one memorable quality is apparently that she suffers from gastrointestinal issues, starts the episode off by taking a staged shit. Johnny, who just left Gabby and Rachel’s season minutes ago, cannot ignore the siren call of the Floridian blood running through his veins, and begins rapping. Jacob comes out wearing only a giant banana leaf. Jill packs a stuffed version of her cat and then feeds it a bowl of cream. Shanae makes out with a shrimp. Kira the “MD” (I need to see this medical license) drinks one margarita and then takes a blowtorch to her medical career with every word that comes out of her mouth. (I will never forget watching a supposed medical professional claim to treat any ailment with a “double dose” of her breasts, and then proceed to give herself a UTI by grinding into the sand).
One thing is clear: if, during past seasons of BiP, the contestants were in on the joke, this season they are the joke. They’ve lost all creative control over their own narratives and are now just dancing for our own demented entertainment.
Michael, the daddy-turned-zaddy, is the first to notice that something is amiss. He steps onto the beach and can feel the wrong-ness permeating from the other contestants. It’s like when Odysseus watched all his men be turned into pigs. Michael thought he would be surrounded by attractive, emotionally intelligent singles, and instead finds himself among circus animals.
ANDREW: First impressions of everyone?
Oh, sweetie. It will only get worse from here.
When Crazy Met Crazier
If Michael thought the first few hours of Paradise were crazy, it’s nothing compared to the cataclysmic force of Shanae and Lace meeting each other. They’re both chaos demons in their own right, and should never have been allowed to meet. In fact, I would not be surprised if their meeting is what caused the plane to go down in Lost. Their love story may not be good for mankind, but it is certainly good for my entertainment. It’s still early, but this might be my favorite love story to come out of Paradise yet.
For those who don’t remember Lace: SHAME ON YOU for forgetting such a national treasure. Lace was on Ben Higgins’ season of The Bachelor and is representative of the kind of contestant I would be on the franchise. Drunk, hateful, eyelashes askew, and probably about to cry in 2.5 margaritas? Hello, it’s me.
Then there’s Shanae, whose return to our television screens can only be the result of some dark séance gone awry. You can practically smell the sulfur in the air.
But like attracts like, and these two immediately gravitate toward one another. They become support systems for each other in the way that only two emotionally stunted barn animals can. When Lace is feeling down about the fact that she’s 32, and her Paradise debut happened when most of these girls were still learning how to use a tampon, Shanae is there to give her the pep talk she really didn’t need. It’s like when you coax your friend back out to the bars after she vomited on the street and took a nap in the bathroom stall. Perhaps we should let sleeping dogs stay passed out.
Lace has never met a one-drink minimum that she didn’t obliterate, and I’m happy to see that a six-year absence from the franchise hasn’t changed her. After Shanae trickles some flat champagne down her throat to get her to rise and shine, Lace is stumbling back toward the beach, ready to feed off the life force of some unsuspecting man. Like a black widow weaving its web, she decides to lie and tell the guys that it’s her birthday as a ploy for attention. To this I say: ONLY RESPECT FOR MY PRESIDENT. My god, I love this woman.
Does it work for her? Absolutely, if you define success as Logan calling her by the wrong name and her ending the night losing an eyelash crying in the confessionals. But it certainly worked for me and my personal enjoyment. Keep up the good work, Lace. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
The sunscreen hasn’t even fully soaked into Jacob’s exposed ass cheeks before the hookups commence. Sparks are flying all over that beach. Well, it’s some combination of sparks and the obscene amount of tequila Wells is pouring down their throats. I’ll spare you the gory details, and instead give you my immediate reactions to these couplings (spoiler alert: I’m sickened).
Serene & Brandon: are kismet, I’m calling it now. They may have nothing in common beyond their poreless, perfect faces, but they are kismet nonetheless. The fates demand they procreate (or at least get to second on that day bed), lest an angel lose its wings.
Shanae & Jacob: I’ve never seen two people who deserved each other more. It’s wild listening to a man in a loin cloth talk about how he’s here to find his future wife and then, in the next breath, worry that feeling up Shanae’s collarbone will end in a chubby. Or, as he so eloquently put it, his palm leaf may start sprouting into a full-blown tree.
Teddi & Andrew: Guys, they ain’t it. I hate to say this of my boyfriend Andrew, but this thing he has with Teddi is not cute, it’s awkward. He gets the first date card of the season, and then spends the next seven minutes of programming fumbling the English language. I have seen more romantic finesse at an eighth grade dance, and those things were pretty much just couples aggressively dry-humping to Usher while the guy tries to hide the wet spot on his khakis. They’re two hot people. This shouldn’t be so hard for them!!
Jill & Romeo & Kira: Yes, there’s already a love triangle, but I’m using the definition of that term in the loosest way possible. A love triangle implies that those involved in said triangle are desirable in some way. That is not the case here. Let me introduce the players: Jill, a woman who won’t date you if your astrological sign isn’t compatible with her cat’s; Romeo, an average-looking man with a less than average personality; and Kira, a medical professional who definitely prescribes a finger up the butt as the cure-all treatment for any ailment (again, I would like to see proof of that license).
Romeo knows Kira from college but had a “connection” with Jill before filming. Jill is worried that Kira will ruin her chances with Romeo, though I’m not sure why she feels so threatened. She seemingly had no prior knowledge of Romeo and Kira’s shared history, but she still treats Kira like a caged animal nonetheless. I can’t even verbalize the confrontation between Kira and Jill, because it makes no sense. My roommate’s dog has better conflict management skills, and her idea of gaining the upper hand in a confrontation is to hump her opponent into submission. When they finally stop screaming at each other, Jill runs off to sob in a sand dune, and Kira rebounds with Casey by rubbing his nipples until she feels something again.
I get the impression that there is something that happened between Kira and Romeo that no one is telling Jill. There is also something that no one is telling Romeo, which is that both of these women are unhinged. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate unlikeable women (hello Lace). But Kira and Jill seem like the type who think re-enacting a Gillian Flynn novel is a fun anniversary surprise. My advice for Romeo? RUN.
Sierra & Michael; Michael may be an old dog, but you can teach him a new trick. You guys, what the fuck was Michael doing in the time between Katie’s season and Paradise? My god, that man is attractive. I did once write in a recap that Michael looks like the kind of guy whose idea of foreplay involves softly crying to Hallmark movies, and I am now walking back that statement. This is me eating crow.
Early in the episode, he seemed alarmed by all the youths on the beach. After watching Jacob try to rub his exposed ballsack on every bikini-clad woman in his general vicinity, Michael lets out a fearful “I’m too old for this shit.” This is how I know Michael is about to end up with a 21-year-old. Case in point: he hits things off with 25-year-old Sierra, and can’t stop complimenting her skin. He’s like, “it’s so… smooth… and glowing!” WE GET IT, MICHAEL. Women your own age (38) have some waning elasticity in their faces. Must you drag us old spinsters in our 30s so publicly?! And, FYI pal, the reason why Sierra’s skin is glowing is because she’s still on her parents’ insurance. Call me when she has to start paying for her own pap smear and then we’ll talk.
On that note, I’m outtie friends! See you betches next week!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5)
We still have over two months before the The Hills reboot premieres, but I am already 100% ready. I’ll admit, until the beginning 0f 2019, I was a Hills virgin. I had seen a random episode here and there, but I had never watched start to finish. That’s no longer the case, because I binged all six seasons in about three weeks, and I have absolutely no regrets. So when The Hills: New Beginnings actually starts, I will definitely be watching, but lucky for us, the cast is already bringing the drama. This is probably hard to imagine, but Spencer and Heidi are still causing problems.
The source of our info today is Stephanie Pratt’s podcast Pratt Cast (cute name lol), which she cohosts with Bachelornation’s Wells Adams. This is an interesting pairing, and I had no idea this podcast existed until literally today. I would say I’ll check it out, but that would be a lie. Steph revealed on a recent episode that she isn’t on speaking terms with her brother and his wife. In case you need a refresher, Stephanie is Spencer Pratt’s sister, and Spencer is married to Heidi. On the OG Hills 10 years ago (god, we’re old), Spencer and Heidi basically did what I do every time I drink Jäger and ruined their relationships with their family and friends by acting psychotic. On the show, Stephanie was often caught in the middle between being loyal to her brother and sucking up to Lauren. She can be a little bit of a thirst master general, but she always brought the drama, and for that I am thankful.
View this post on Instagram
This photo is so special to me ? 3 months ago I would have never thought that 2018 would end with so much happiness! Soooooo many years have gone by living separate lives & I am to blame. I became too independent. I’m seeing everything in a different light these days & I feel blessed that it wasn’t too late for this new chapter with my brother & Heidi ???? #family #blessed #newbeginnings
Back to the podcast and the source of this update. On the podcast, Stephanie had a lot of strong words about Spencer and Heidi. The main issue goes back to a photoshoot with the cast of The Hills, and the specifics are hilariously petty. According to Steph, Heidi opened a bottle of champagne on the set, and she shared it with everyone but her. Stephanie says that Whitney Port commented how weird the whole thing was, and that things between them just got worse from there.
“We are not on good terms. We are not on speaking terms. I do not consider them my family.”
Okay, that is a lot, and I really don’t feel like all of this emotion is coming from Heidi not pouring Stephanie a glass of champagne. Really, I have a feeling that these three haven’t actually worked through all the issues that they had the first time around on The Hills. Here’s another excerpt of what Stephanie had to say:
“I’m also not going to pretend that Spencer and Heidi are good people, like I was doing for most of the series for my parents. For the sh*t they have done to me recently, I’m done. This is why I moved to London. I’m done. I cannot live near them. They are the most toxic people I’ve ever met. They are Bonnie and Clyde till they die, so if they say the sky is black, all of us are morons for saying it’s blue.”
Stephanie also promised she wouldn’t “pussyfoot around them” on the reboot, whatever that means, and she said she plans to “expose them for who they are.” I mean, do any of us actually think Heidi and Spencer Pratt are good people? What is there really to expose? Either way, I am getting more and more excited for this reboot. What’s crazy is that, for all the horrible things Stephanie has to say right now, she and her brother were apparently on good terms until very recently. She said on the podcast that before filming the reboot, she sat down with her whole family, and they all agreed that they wouldn’t let the show tear the family apart like it did before. Welp, that comment didn’t age well!
I’m so intrigued by this whole situation, and I hope that on the show, we at least get a glimpse of what’s gone down within the Pratt family. Stephanie also said that Heidi was “horrific” to all the women in the cast while they were filming, and that she apologized to them on Heidi’s behalf. Oh my god, I’m so excited for this.
Wherever she is, I’m sure that Lauren Conrad is extremely glad she didn’t sign up for this sh*t. The Hills: New Beginnings premieres on June 24th, so let me know in the comments what you’re most excited to see.
Images: Shutterstock; @officialstephpratt / Instagram; Giphy
Celebrities, they’re just like us! They get divorced. They abandon social media every so often after realizing how much people suck. They get caught talking sh*t…sort of. Oh, and they waste countless hours of their lives getting wine drunk every Monday and watching The Bachelor. Just, you know, probably with better wine. Who amongst the rich and famous has the same sordid reality TV tastes as you? All the ones you would expect, TBH. I’ll give you a guess: a whole lot of white women, and a few men who, at times, might as well be white women. Here are some celebrities who watch The Bachelor.
1. Allison Williams
It turns out The Bachelor franchise has produced at least one viable relationship: Allison Williams and her husband, Ricky Van Veen. They met at a Bachelor viewing party (why) and then got engaged at the same party just three years later (WHY). Wow. Can you imagine having to explain that to your children? “Mommy and Daddy fell in love while watching 13 blonde girls named Lauren get drunk and scream at each other in sequin ball gowns….for love.”
2. Anna Kendrick
This should come as no surprise, considering Anna Kendrick is still smack dab in the middle of her infinite campaign of being the most relatable celebrity of all time. She tweets weird things! She hates other people! She eats sh*tty food! She watches The Bachelor, and by extension, is also subject to countless SugarBearHair Vitamin ads.
Kaitlyn can do better. Like if my boyfriend left me for her, I'd get it. #TheBachelor
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 3, 2015
3. Ryan Reynolds
Always an entrepreneur, Ryan Reynolds managed to combine his (questionable) love for The Bachelor with some shameless self-promotion by live-tweeting the premiere of Ben Higgins’ seasons with the hashtag #DeadpoolOnTheBachelor. The Venn diagram of women who watch The Bachelor and women who love Ryan Reynolds is, in fact, a circle, so this was a wise move on his part.
4. Amy Schumer
Amy Schumer popped up on a group date episode during Kaitlyn’s seasons of The Bachelorette, which immediately earns her a place on this list. I can see her being the friend at the viewing party who pretends to hate it the entire season, but ends up crying during the finale when Peter Kraus has his heart broken into a million pieces on national television her favorite ends up going home.
5. John Mayer
John Mayer may be the most relatable person on this list of celebrities who watch The Bachelor because he harbors a crippling addiction to show but is physically incapable of watching an entire two hour episode. Honestly, this is the hottest take of 2018. Somebody call The Cut. They’re probably not too busy these days. His favorite part? Girls crying in helicopters. “If you get tears in flight, that is prime stuff.” What? Everyone has their kink.
6. Sarah Hyland
There are Bachelor fans, and then there are Bachelor Fans. Sarah Hyland has secured a lauded spot in the second category. Not by hosting some viewing parties amongst her friends or starting a Bachelor bracket in her office. Not even by being one of those people who own Bachelor-themed clothing (looking at you, Kaley Cuoco). No, Sarah Hyland has transcended all those benchmarks and snagged herself a Bachelor alum to date: the criminally under-appreciated during his season, Wells Adams. The two are cute as hell and we’re over here just wondering when Sarah is going to release her how-to book.
7. Adam Scott
Ben Wyatt watches The Bachelor and therefore you should watch The Bachelor. Furthermore, Ben Wyatt refuses to feel guilty about watching The Bachelor. You hear that, ladies? 2019 is the year we loudly and unapologetically rep the sh*tty things we love.
8. Dakota Fanning
I would have added Dakota Fanning to this list even without proof, solely because she looks like the epitome of a Bachelor fan. I hate to pigeonhole the poor thing, but I’m going to. Dakota Fanning likes The Bachelor. Dakota Fanning likes pumpkin spice lattes (but like….healthy ones). Dakota Fanning has a pair of UGGs in the back of her closet that she only breaks out on really desperate occasions because, f*ck it, it’s COLD. In short, we are all Dakota Fanning.
Images: Giphy (1); @AnnaKendrick47/ Twitter; @wellsadams/Instagram
Good morning idiot hookers, and welcome back to another exciting season of Bachelor in Paradise! Why ABC decided to air the first episode one night after holding all of America hostage for three miserable hours to watch Becca ruin her life one last time, I’ll never understand. But here we are
being held practically at knifepoint by Mike Fleiss for two more hours! And while I’d rather bang my head against a wall for two hours than dive head first into any more soul-sucking Bachelor drama, I’ve realized that I maybe, kind of, sort of missed the hedonistic den of sin that is ABC’s slice of Mexico? So, shall we dive right in then? I mean, there’s only a storm brewing outside and I’m 90 percent sure my internet will fail faster than any of these people’s livers did on night one, but, sure, let’s do this.
I guess we’re jumping right into the intros then. As if I wanted to know any more about the intricacies of their flat tummy tea diets.
DAMNNN. Kevin just spilled the tea on Ashley I. He’s saying that Ashley made out with Jared while they were still dating, and I’m not surprised at all. If Jared said “cry” she’d say how “how many rivers?”
So David aka “The Chicken” is living at home with his mother post-filming. What catches they have this season! Ladies, I’m jealous. Also, David, you live in Boca Raton. You can totally marry your mom in Florida. It might actually be one of the only places.
Analise is up next, and she’s definitely going to be
Lacey Mark that girl that cries every week about how none of the guys like her.
BIBI: My goal here is to kill them. Kill them with. my. bootie.
^^I think I’m going to turn that into a motivational poster and hang it over my bed.
Jesus. Tia’s veneers just blinded me, so I guess I’ll only be listening to the rest of the episode. Seriously, have her teeth always looked like that?
Eric’s like “so do y’all like the energy here?” Yes, Eric they all like the energy because the “energy” is free drinks.
JOEEEEE. Joe is here, y’all, and I’m swooning already.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think you’ll last longer this time?
JOE: Maybe a day? Tops.
I love that his bar for the trip is about as low as my bar for Hinge matches. Glad we’re on the same page, Joe!
You guys, what is with people’s teeth this season? I’m starting to really get freaked out here. Was there a discount on veneers and Crest White Strips before filming?
Okay, THANK YOU TIA, for commenting on Krystal’s voice change. Like, what happened to the baby prostitute voice that haunted my nightmares last January? Ugh. Of course she’s going after Joe, though. He’s like “she’s so sweet.” Oh, Joe. She is going to have sex with you and then rip your head off.
If Krystal dares ruin Joe’s pure, sweet demeanor, I will END HER.
Venmo John is like “the last time I was reserved and didn’t know how to talk to people but now I’ve discovered alcohol, so it’s easier.” Ah, the wonders of warm tequila, amiright John?
Okay, wait. Annaliese is Jordan’s type? Annaliese? The girl who’s afraid of bumper cars and puppies. If you don’t think she has a complex about golden underwear then you better think again, buddy.
The chicken gets here and Chris Harrison is like “I’m glad you came as yourself this time.” Is coming as himself any better though, Chris?
Surprise, surprise, Colton’s not here yet and Tia is freaking the f*ck out. It’s interesting that Colton never reached out to Tia even though she got him kicked off Becca’s season because of all of her “feelings” for him. I just feel like maybe he’s not that into her? I mean, the dude claims he’s never even seen a woman’s vagina before and yet Tia is here all but spreading herself on national television and he’s like “nah, I’m good.” Yeah, it’s suspicious AF.
That’s stone cold fear in his eyes, people.
GOD TIA. Stop bringing up Colton’s name when you have a f*cking dime piece like Joe in your presence! Seriously. If I hear the name Colton one more time I’m going to go outside in this storm with a piece of metal and beg this lightning to strike me.
In a cruel twist of BiP producer-orchestrated fate, Tia gets the first date card. Okay, she’s acting like that card is a herpes diagnosis and not an opportunity to share a dinner and Instagram followers with one of these washed-up street dogs. Get over yourself.
LOL I love that Bibi looks like she wants to fight her over this. Please do, girl. Put us all out of our misery.
Tia starts talking to grocery Joe and she’s like, “I’m not like other girls because I’m a relationship kind of girl.” Literally that is every girl with a pulse, Tia. Nice try.
WHAT. She picks psycho Chris?? Have they even spoken words to each other yet? Why??
Meanwhile, Kendall and Joe start vibing. And by “vibing” I mean dry humping on a chaise lounge, which is something her mother specifically told her not to do before going on this show. Here’s hoping her mother doesn’t take away one of her stuffed animal heads in retaliation.
Friendly reminder, people, that we’re an hour into this abomination of a television show and there’s still no clear storyline. It’s like watching drunk cats scatter on a beach and trying to make sense of it.
Speaking of sh*t that that doesn’t make sense, wtf are Chelsea and Nick doing cuddled up on a chaise lounge? It’s like watching
a car crash my Snapchat story after blacking out at happy hour. You know, when you make out with a hot guy only to find out later he could barely keep his eyes open and says sh*t like “where’s all the p*ssy tonight.” I mean, if it was ten degrees cooler he’d be wearing a velour tracksuit!
NICK: Women with kids don’t bother me as long as I never see the child and her vagina’s recovered.
Cut to Tia and Chris’s date. She’s drinking water at this point and is STILL talking about Colton. It’s gonna be a longggg night.
Wait. I’m truly shocked she’s into this guy. Aha! The truth comes out. The two of them only like each other because they both don’t want to be single anymore. I think they probably have more chemistry with their forks than each other, but okay. To each their own. And, hey, if Carly, a woman who said she got “limp dick” from sharing the company of a guy who would later become the father of her child, then anything is possible
as long as Wells has a heavy pour.
O.M.G. Colton is here and ready to f*ck up Tia’s newly found happiness. See, ladies, Paradise is just like the real world!!
They give Colton a date card because I guess production wants Tia to fling herself off a cliff this morning. Lol he starts pulling girls aside and none of them are Tia. What a class act he is! He’s, like, flirting with anyone on the island who has a vagina and a pulse EXCEPT TIA, but I have a feeling he’ll still pick her because he heard she might be happy with someone else.
AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE CHOOSES TIA.
^Me writing down further evidence of why the male species shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us
Wait so this “magical date” he took her on before Becca’s season was just a dinner at his house?! The boy didn’t even take you out in public, Tia? Like, he is a former pro football player and he’s trying to say that the best he can do for a date is to whip you up some Spaghetti-O’s at home? Seriously?? Oh, honey, baby, sweetie. DUMP HIS ASS.
God I can’t listen to these morons for one more goddamn minute. Colton’s like “I was into Becca but then you sent me home, so here we are” and Tia practically orgasms right there on that boat.
TIA: Idk why but I just keep coming back to you?
I KNOW WHY. He’s breadcrumbing you, sweetie! Tale as old as time.
Elsewhere, Chris is just stewing on the beach. All those steroids and hair gel—this can’t be good. He’s got all of Paradise riled up too. It’s like that scene with Gaston before the townspeople try and f*ck up the beast. Except with less talent and good intentions and obviously Chris is not as hot as Gaston. Obviously. That genius reference I just made pairs perfectly with this gif, so enjoy:
BRB I gotta take a musical break to sing “Gaston” to myself.
And on that note,
WE’RE FREE we have to to wait until next week to see how this fight plays out. I’m sure it’ll be about as manly as the fight I had in middle school with my sister over her stealing my favorite Delia’s shirt for school pictures. Should be lit. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)
I’ve always had a hard time remembering that reality stars don’t live in their own little world on my TV, ready and willing to embarrass themselves at the touch of my on-demand button. They are, in fact, real people out there bringing shame to their family name by blacking out, crapping their pants, and hooking up with inappropriate partners on national television. Now, instead of just sliding into the orifices DMs of former castmates of their own show *cough* Colton *cough*, many reality stars are branching out and swapping STDs with cast members of other reality shows. It’s like a Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode, except no one here is smart enough to be a doctor. If this is modern love, you can just send me straight to hell right now.
This all came to my attention last week when Nick Viall’s most suspiciously low-key Danielle, Danielle M, was cheated on by her boyfriend Paulie Calafiore from Big Brother with Cara Maria from The Challenge. Mind. Blown. We’ll get back to them in a minute. This relationship inspired me to take a look at what other reality stars are crossing the boundaries of their own shows and have hooked up with your favorite reality stars from other shows. This is a tangled web they’re all weaving, so settle in while I make a sad attempt to unravel this jumble of abandoned DNA and lies.
Danielle M/Paulie Calafiore/Cara Maria
First, I’d be remiss if I did not mention the multitude of adult men on reality TV named Pauly/ie. I’m now suspicious of grown men with this name. I’m not saying that means they are all going to be immature man-babies, but I’m not not saying that, you know?
So apparently this Paulie is from Big Brother, which I have never seen. I have enough of a reminder that big brother is watching me every single day when my deepest darkest thoughts that I’ve never confessed to a soul appear as an ad on my Instagram feed. But, I do know Paulie from the absolute dumpster fire that is Ex On The Beach, where it was revealed that he previously cheated on his girlfriend Lexi. What a charmer. Apparently Paulie has been dating Danielle M since January, and then was cast on The Challenge: The Final Reckoning, where he met Cara Maria and immediately lost all sense of human decency. He recently went on a Twitter rant claiming “For now I can’t be monogamous to one person, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work, I love women, I have a lot of female friends and sometimes I fall for multiple at a time for different reasons whether it’s the sex or the energy shared between the two of us. I try to be faithful but I can’t.” Paulie. You’re fucking canceled.
Cory Wharton From The Challenge And Multiple Ladies Of Are You The One?
In this big, scary world that’s always changing, there is one thing we can always count on: if it walks and it talks, Cory Wharton will stick his dick in it. Not only has Cory hooked up with many ladies on his own show, The Challenge, but now he’s working his way through the castmates of Are You The One? like he’ll get a free T-shirt if he bones them all. I hope they have his size left when he’s done!
When Cory appeared on The Challenge: Vendettas last season, he brought along his new girlfriend, Alicia from Are You The One?. This all happened after Cory revealed that he had a baby, Ryder, with Cheyenne Floyd, also from Are You The One?. Cory’s Instagram is private because he’s safer about social media than he is about sex, so unfortunately we don’t have many pictures of him being a great dad. Sad!
But wait, the plot thickens. Cory showed up on Ex On The Beach, revealing that he and Alicia broke up—but don’t fret, because he quickly found comfort in Taylor’s vagina. When I last watched Ex On The Beach, Cory was debating going back to Alicia, and I guess we’ll never know what happens because I deleted that trash show from my DVR when I realized I was not a prisoner of war and didn’t actually have to be subjected to torture. If you’re still subjecting yourself to the on-screen version of waterboarding, hit me up in the comments and let me know how this one turns out for Cory.
Shep Rose/Stacy London/Jaclyn Shuman
Do you all watch Southern Charm? I recently discovered how great it is after years of endlessly mocking the friend that one time had the gall to say I should try it. Sorry for damaging your emotional wellbeing for no reason, Nita! Send me a bill for your therapy sessions, and I will gladly take a look at it before I throw it in the trash. Anyway, Southern Charm is great. There’s gorgeous real estate, convicted felons who think they should run for national office, and Patricia, Queen of the South. And, of course, there is the real life Peter Pan without tights, Shep Rose. I’ve only watched the first two seasons, but boy do I have a crush on Shep circa 2016. If he has a girlfriend now, keep your damn mouth shut and let me have my dream.
Our boy Shep has had a few inter-show relationships, including one with Stacy London from What Not To Wear, aka my own personal Jesus. Cameran Eubanks claimed that Shep and Stacy made out in a bathroom, and while I may not support the location of this hookup because of germs, I fully support this duo. Stacy knows how to dress for her body, and she should go out there and get it. If only this relationship had lasted, I would maybe be willing to let go of my beloved Shep. But ONLY for Stacy.
Shep has also apparently hooked up with Jaclyn Shuman, a second-tier castmate on the poor man’s Vanderpump Rules, Summer House. All I really remember about Jaclyn is that she was a “fit model” which basically means her face isn’t weird enough to be an actual model but she’s starved herself to a point where they’ve rewarded her with a job. Next time at least save it for a Wirkus twin, Sheppie. They get top billing.
Well, that was exhausting and I’m just writing about these hookups. I can only imagine how tiring it all is for Cory. If you all know any other reality star relationships that I can stalk during work hours on my lunch break, do tell!
Images: Giphy (2); @relationshep/instagram
I had a lot of feelings about Sarah Hyland and Wells Adams’ relationship. Feelings like, “Ugh, jealous” and, “They both love dogs—they are so cute, I love them,” and more recently, (since I follow both of the on Instagram) “Okay, that’s a bit much”. But most importantly, I felt that their pairing must be an anomaly. Because Wells is far superior to anyone that has ever been a contestant on The Bachelor franchise, so he should be the only one who will ever date a real life celebrity who is actually talented. But with the news of Nick Viall and January Jones’ extremely random pairing, I am legit worried that Bachelor contestants dating celebrities is going to be like, a thing.
Before I explain how this will ruin my chances of ever getting with Wells the show, I will say this: I am here for the whole “stars, they’re just like us” aspect of this sitch. Honestly, I feel really close to any actress that goes on late night television and talks about her love for The Bachelor. Like, we should be friends, girl. Let’s combine fantasy leagues. But A-list actresses dating the contestants? That’s just, in the words of Andi Dorfman, not okay. And let me tell you why.
Shit’s Just Not Fair
As if it’s not enough that the female contestants have to compete with 20+ other wannabe Instagram models gorgeous women for a mediocre man’s affection, now they have to worry about getting engaged, only to be dumped for a hot celebrity with way more followers than them? Like, what the fuck is the point of battling it out against the Krystal’s of the world when you know you will just have to fight the January’s once you get that Neil Lane diamond?
On the other hand, I would LOVE to see an all-Bachelor-superfan celebrity cast: Amy Schumer, Lea Michele, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lawrence re-interrupting each other for time with someone equally as lame as Arie. Brb, pitching the idea to Mike Fleiss.
Literally No One Will Be There To Find Love
The idea that being on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette can be a gateway drug to award show red carpets is dangerous for the franchise’s dedication to true love. I mean seriously—proof that they can get legit famous (by proxy) will only further encourage fame-seekers to audition for the show. The more ex-contestant/current celebrity couples we get, the less authentic the franchise will become. And if love doesn’t exist on The Bachelor, then does it even exist at all?
Jk, who am I kidding—the franchise broke up with authenticity years ago. Can’t wait to see Arie and like, fucking Brie Larson at the Golden Globes next year.
Listen to us talk shit about The Bachelor on our new podcast, The Betchelor!
Bachelor Nation’s favorite non-Bachelor, Wells Adams, is being linked to Sarah Hyland. She’s the actress that plays the Dunphy daughter that isn’t Ariel Winter. You know, the one that’s significantly less of a thirst trap in real life. Side note: are we still saying thirst trap? IDK, but it fits, so I’m going with it.
So anyway, Wells hinted at an L.A.-based love affair on an episode of his podcast with a lesser-known Cyrus sister, Brandi. He admitted to “talking to” someone who lived in L.A. Like, same Wells. We’re basically all “talking to” someone in L.A., that doesn’t mean it’s an actual thing.
Now we have a pretty good idea who that L.A. lover is, thanks to some Insta photos from the weekend.
Sarah Hyland posed with Wells as characters from Stranger Things. He captioned the pic “11 hangin’ out with a 10” which is actually a fucking brilliant caption and really adorable.
Sorry if this seems super sappy, but, like, it’s kind of hard to hate on America’s favorite reality show bartender. I mean, how could you not just die when he kissed Danielle M. before she left Paradise? He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s sweet, he knows his way around puppets. What’s not to love?
Super creepy internet sleuths, not unlike myself, have been tracking correspondence between Sarah and Wells for a while now. The two have been @-ing each other since at least April.
Now it’s IG official. Like, seriously good for him for getting out of the incestuous cesspool that is The Bachelor/ette dating world. We’re all rooting for you, Wells.
decided to ruin my life announced who the next Bachelor is and he is a total rando. That’s right people, the new Bachelor is a complete stranger to me, Arie fucking Luyendyk Jr., a man who was on The Bachelorette FIVE YEARS AGO and who also looks about as fresh as the 40-year-old on Tinder I accidentally swiped right on. Because that’s clearly what America asked for: an accidental Tinder swipe. First of all, ABC, how dare you. The last time Arie was relevant to this franchise, I was drinking Four Lokos that still had caffeine in them. THAT’S THE LAST TIME. So don’t you dare try to tell me differently. To put things even more in perspective for you, Emily (the Bachelorette that year) has met and married someone who was not on the show and birthed not one, but TWO of his children since the time she dated Arie. Which brings me to my second point, ABC, why would you do this? There are so many other Instagram influencers good guys out there to choose from, and yet you decided to go back into the catacombs of this franchise to find the next Bachelor? Really? That’s what you’re trying to sell me rn? Nope. I’m not here for it. I won’t stand for it and I refuse to watch will definitely still watch next season. But Mike Fleiss? Welcome to your tape. Because ABC refuses to take my happiness into account, no matter how many savage tweets I tag them in, I guess I’ll have to take it upon myself to point out who would make better a Bachelor candidate than Arie fucking Luyendyk.
8. Hot Asian Whose Name I Can’t Remember
Okay, I’m sure he has a name, but I’m really
coming up short in my internet stalking drawing a blank here. While I don’t remember his name, I do 100 percent remember that he was an ex-Marine and the most beautiful human to ever grace my television screen after three glasses of wine. Hot Asian was on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, but was sent home way before his time, on the first damn night. Like, Whaboom lasted longer than this guy. WHABOOM. The man was an American hero, but got bested by a guy who has his own catchphrase. Whatever. Hot Asian, I’ll pour one out for you and ABC’s missed opportunity to make you a star.
7. Deanie Babies
Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean. Where do I even begin with you? Let’s start with the fact that you have the emotional maturity of someone who makes fart noises with his elbow. I should have known you’d turn out this way when Rachel started asking you hard-hitting questions like “tell me about yourself?” and the only response you could come up with was:
Jesus Christ. I’ve been so blind. You also broke
my Kristina’s heart in Mexico, because you’d rather fuck a Tickle Me Elmo doll Danielle L than actually embrace your emotions, but I’d STILL rather see you as the Bachelor over Arie. If anything, watching Dean act like a fuckboy with 25 of America’s most eligible dental hygienists would be a good exercise in controlling my rage blackouts. I’m sensing we both might have gotten some personal growth out of that.
6. Robby’s Errant Hair
The real breakout star of Bachelor in Paradise this season was Robby’s errant hair. Something tells me this little hair has stories to tell, and honestly I’d rather watch three months of Robby trying to
find love tame this fucking hair than Arie as the new Bachelor.
5. Luke Pell
Luke was fucking robbed last year by the bane of my existence, Nick Viall, because Luke didn’t have as much blackmail on ABC as Nick did. Luke had the full Bachelor package: he was hot, could say, “Texas Forever,” and mean it, and he served in the armed forces. I’ll even excuse the fact that he looks like he was manufactured in a Mattel factory, because he was sensitive AF and when he cried, I cried. But I guess none of that matters when you’re competing against someone with a lisp. Sighs. Since his time on JoJo’s season, Luke has been sleeping with literally every woman who has ever been on The Bachelor, so, like, he probably has some
STDs baggage there, but I still think he’d still make for a good fucking season.
^^Honestly ladies, he’s still single
I’m not gonna lie; I didn’t love Chase on JoJo’s season. He was hot AF, don’t get me wrong, like 10/10 would still slide into his DMs, but he had this look in his eyes that said “I’m dead inside.” It was like looking into the mirror and watching someone try and emotionally connect with Wednesday Addams. But let’s never forget the moment JoJo dumped his ass right before the fantasy suites. His mature reaction to the breakup was to grab a beer for the cab ride to the airport and mumble into the camera the most savage clapback: “Is this my fucking fantasy suite?” *slow claps* Honestly, if that doesn’t say
good TV America’s next Bachelor, then I don’t know what does.
I’ve been rooting for Wells since JoJo’s season, when ABC forced him to go on that group date that involved a strenuous amount of physical activity and they had to give him oxygen by the end of it. Honestly so relatable. But Wells has really come into his own this summer as the Gretchen Weiners of Paradise. Tbh I’d tune in every week just to hear him
talk shit recap his date with the women. If it’s anything like his Alexis impersonation, then I’m sold.
I would fucking LOVE to see Kenny as the Bachelor. Again, this guy was the full package: he was an attentive father, super sweet, and v attractive. Plus ABC forced him to spend way too much time in the presence of that racist piece of shit, Lee. Like, that alone should be enough for him to get his own season. ABC, you owe him. Well that, and the fact that he might be in need of a new career since he is credited as a professional wrestler but lost a mud wrestling match to some rando from Rachel’s season. Plus THINK of the spin-off potential. His daughter, who low-key looks old enough to have a college degree, could be the next Bachelorette. We could really turn this into a family affair, ya know.
1. Ben Z
Okay, why is nobody talking about what a catch Ben Z is? WHY? When ABC pulled him out of the archives for Paradise this summer, I’ll admit I was skeptical. I legit did not remember him from Kaitlyn’s season, and he looks a little too much like he enjoys going to the gym for my taste. But you could grill an egg on how hot that body of his is, and most importantly, HE HAS A DOG. We cannot let this beautiful specimen of a human grow old with just Fido by his side. Seriously, I’ve started Go Fund Me pages over less. He needs a lady in his life, and that lady should be me. Ben Z, call me.
BEN Z: *breathes*