The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Champagne Showers

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Hello and welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! Every Monday I tell myself that this will be the Monday that I cut ties with this disease-ridden franchise and do something for myself. The things I would do with those two hours back in my life! I could download a workout video! I could watch that workout video while eating Cheetos by the handful in bed! I could take a nap! Re-watch Criminal Minds in its entirety for the third time! The possibilities are truly endless, and yet, every Monday I find myself coming back for more. Sighs. It’s nice to dream though, isn’t it?

Moving on. When last we left off, ABC had just delivered a jam-packed three-hour episode, and it was a little disconcerting tbh. When ABC declares an episode will be “dramatic” I’m conditioned to understand that this means I will be forced to endure no less than an hour and 50 minutes worth of meaningless fluff and 10 minutes of footage that makes me so uncomfortable that I want to disintegrate into my couch. It’s diabolical. But last week, ABC truly delivered. Not only did we get to see the night one rose ceremony, but we also got to see a group date, a one-on-one date, AND the beginnings of a second group date! We saw so much footage I was nervous I had somehow slipped and hit my head and this was all some kind of crazy fever dream.

Which brings us to this week: Hannah Brown is crying in a closet because her ex might actually be moving on from her. This is, like, 90 percent of the time why I cry at bars (the other 10 percent is because I know my dog is too good for me), so I feel for her, I really do. Peter asks Hannah if she’d be willing to give them a second shot. He would like to date her but also the 20+ other women he’s contractually obligated to give the time of day. What’s terrifying is that Hannah is actually, like, considering this change in events?? I’m not sure what sort of new low you need to reach as a person to consider not only taking back your ex but ACTIVELY competing for his love with an entire pledge class worth of girls, but Hannah, blink once if you need me to call a hotline for you.

PETER: You should have told me not to be The Bachelor. I never said no to you, you’re the one who said no to me.
ME:

Hannah’s like “can I give you a hug, Peter?” and okay, that’s more of a hug than I would give my grandmother, Hannah!! You guys, she just curled up into his lap like a goddamn cat! Her hand is on his thigh! His head is in her lap! This is the most personal thing I’ve ever witnessed on this show, and I’m so uneasy about it. ABC is too, I think, because they keep flipping back and forth between Peter tearfully stroking Hannah’s back like he just learned she has a terminal illness, to the rest of the women as they talk about which sex position will get the most slaps during their performance.

Honestly, can they just be together and be done with it?? I know I’m not supposed to root for Hannah Brown but MY GOD you can’t deny sparks like that. And look, I know, I know, that Hannah will not be back at this house. She still has to finish out Dancing with the Stars and Peter signed a contract to be the next Bachelor (like it or not), but I’m really really rooting for these two. Their connection is palpable. 

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AND THATS THE MOTHERFUCKIN TEA! (Edit: I believe this is about Hannah B since it was one minute into the episode)

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Hell has frozen over because I agree with Colton about something. 

Hannah decides that maybe—lol, this is so random honestly—but maybe this is less about Peter and more about Hannah not wanting her ex to move on before she does. Lol SO random. Meanwhile, the look Peter gives the camera when he ultimately realizes they need to part ways is more on par with a prisoner of war then a man who has to go back and seduce a room full of cosmetically-enhanced superwomen. I feel for you, Peter, I do. 

Peter tells the women that he can’t go through with the rest of this date, that he needs to process his emotions, and the women look far too upset about the fact that they won’t have to talk about the one time they tried edible underwear and got a yeast infection from it. Ladies don’t look so down, this is a good thing!!

PETER: I’m sorry, but let’s just reconvene later. I need to go emotionally masturbate to my relationship with Hannah right now. You understand?

Oh, they understand. Especially the 31-year-old who is PISSED about this whole Hannah B thing. She breaks the cardinal rule of this show by talking sh*t to the Bachelor early on. Doesn’t she realize that snitches get stitches on here?! This is like, rule #1 of this show. She tells Peter that he shouldn’t be working out his personal issues with his exes on this show, and I feel like she’s missing the entire point of The Bachelor

The rest of the girls decide to put the Hannah thing behind them and move forward in their relationships with Peter. There’s talk about “strengthening bonds,” which I’m to take actually means aggressive makeouts and extreme heavy petting because there is a lot of that going on in this room. 

Sydney gets the group date rose after she and Peter bond over both being biracial. Sydney admits growing up in the South as a person of color was pretty hard and that she experienced a lot of bullying and discrimination. It’s heartfelt and genuine and I’d love to see more from her. Meanwhile, Peter admits to salsa dancing that one time with his parents in the kitchen. Christ.

The Rose Ceremony Champagne Crisis Of 2020

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by letting the women know he is absolutely 100% not into Hannah anymore and then proceeds to say her name no less than 12 times in the span of five minutes. Methinks the pilot doth protest too much…

The night starts off on a low note when Peter’s first conversation is with a girl who he remembers because she is the token redhead… but this is all he remembers. 

TOKEN REDHEAD: I had the red car on night one? Red hair, red car. Remember?
PETER: I… remember production has been making me carry around these car keys for the last week and now that’s starting to make sense.

Meanwhile, no one is more upset at this rose ceremony than Kelsey. She’s worried that Peter won’t remember her and she’ll be sent home this week and it’s like, honey, don’t sell yourself short. No one is going to be able to forget those beached whale sobs that have been coming out of your mouth all evening. 

But Kelsey has a plan! And that plan involves a bottle of champagne she brought all the way from her hometown’s Costco for this very occasion. We learn that she’s been saving this bottle of champagne for *checks notes* an entire year. I’m sorry, but A YEAR?! That bottle looks suspiciously like it might be Korbel to me. I’m going to assume that won’t age well. 

Wow, Peter is just full of gifts tonight. During some alone time with Madison he gives her a framed photo of the two of them from his parents’ vow renewal ceremony. I have concerns. A framed photo after one date feels like something only a serial killer would gift you right before they plot your death. On the other hand, when they inevitably break up in a few weeks, this will make for some nice kindling when she goes to burn all his sh*t. But, like, memories too.

 

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Swipe for a closer look… #thebachelor

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Elsewhere, Hannah Ann walks into a straight-up bear trap. She and Peter happen upon Kelsey’s bottle of André just like production told them to. They decide to pop it and all of  Kelsey’s dreams. 

HANNAH ANN: *pops champagne*
KELSEY:

ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
The pop heard ‘round the world!

Okay, is Kelsey ACTUALLY confronting Hannah Ann to Peter’s face?! Kelsey, honey, baby, sweetie, you never EVER make a scene in front of the lead! This is the kiss of death! A man doesn’t want to see that you have emotions unless those emotions involve a fantasy suite and a windmill, mmkay!!

Peter tries to calm Kelsey down and it’s like watching a handler at the zoo try and comfort a manic depressive koala. He suggests that they pop a new bottle of champagne together, preferably one that hasn’t been sitting in the glove compartment of Kelsey’s car for the last year.

KELSEY: You’re right, I’m so sober rn I could use a drink.
ALSO KELSEY:

YOU GUYS I AM F*CKING DEAD. DECEASED. LOWER ME INTO MY GRAVE NOW BECAUSE I’LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THAT 15 SECONDS OF FOOTAGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

When that bottle of champagne spews all over Kelsey’s tear-stained face, a part of me that I thought was long-since dead came back to life. Thank you, ABC. That was truly magical.

And that moves us to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by saying that his wife is in the room but, like, I don’t see Hannah B anywhere in that room, sooo? 

WHAT. KELSEY GETS A ROSE?! When did acting like a drunken psycho suddenly become behavior worth rewarding? No, seriously, when? Because last weekend when I drunkenly snapped at my ex, all it got me was shame, regret, and some new dick pics. Definitely not any roses, though.

Welcome to the loser’s club, Courtney, Lauren, and Payton, because you’re all going home this week.

The Group Date

For the group date this week, the women will be modeling for Revolve. This feels very meta to me. What’s next? A competition to see who can build the best presets? When the women learn that the winner of Revolve’s Next Top Model will get more than just Peter’s attention, but an entire store’s worth of merchandise? It’s the first time I’ve seen any of them express true happiness. You love to see it. 

Meanwhile, Victoria (not Hot Victoria but the other Victoria) is having a hard time with this date. She wants Peter’s attention but doesn’t want to compete with a room full of Instagram’s hottest women to get it. Again, was she not aware of what this show would entail?

Christ. Watching Peter strut his stuff down the runway is making my reproductive organs shrivel up and die. Case in point:

Peter

Okay, the women literally just picked out what they’re wearing to Stagecoach this year. I can’t. 

For all of Victoria’s moaning about not being confident and being an insecure wallflower, she is OOZING sex appeal on this catwalk. I mean, her evening “look” is literally just lingerie underneath Keanu’s coat from The Matrix.

VICTORIA: I feel, like, noticed.

Well, I can practically see your areola, so I certainly hope so. 

Though Victoria places in the top two, ultimately Hannah Ann wins Revolve’s Next Top Model, which tracks because I’m pretty sure she is actually a model for Revolve. She gets to go home with a trunk full of new clothes, while Victoria gets to go home knowing her grandmother has seen her get groped by a commercial airline pilot in a dingy room with neon uplighting. Everyone’s a winner.

Victoria takes these insecurities into the cocktail portion of the date by immediately crying to Peter. She keeps saying how hard this process is and how hard she’s trying to get his attention and how hard this whole experience has been for her. Do you want to know what’s really going to be hard, Victoria? The thesaurus I throw at you so you can learn a goddamn synonym. 

 “I don’t know if you’re worth my mental health”— something I will be telling my manager during my next performance review. 

Kelsey grabs Peter next, and she is looking awfully confident for a girl who, less than 24 hours ago, took a champagne shower on national television. And what do you know! She’s drinking champagne again with Peter! She’s nothing if not on brand. 

Hannah Ann decides that being gifted an entirely new wardrobe is not enough and she would prefer to collect her winnings through the pain and suffering of her enemies. I can relate. She tells Peter that she’s being bullied by Kelsey, which feels like a lie mostly because Kelsey has either been crying or passed out for the majority of this episode. I’d like to see those receipts, Hannah Ann. 

KESLEY: That’s two nights where I haven’t cried!
KELSEY AFTER SHE HEARS HANNAH ANN CALLED HER A BULLY: 

Victoria gets the group date rose and it’s totally because she was honest and vulnerable with Peter and not at all because if he looked close enough he could see a nipple through that runway outfit of hers. So sweet.

Just as the episode is wrapping up, Peter pulls Kelsey aside to confront her about the bullying thing. He feels about as comfortable in that role as Chris Harrison did explaining giving Colton “the talk.” Kelsey says that she’s been bullied before—hello Peter, did you even SEE what happened with her Walgreen’s champagne the other night?!—and this is not it. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter sides with Hannah Ann or the woman who won’t stop crying in public restrooms. Only time will tell!

Images: ABC/Eric McCandless; Giphy (6)

5 Cover-Ups That Effortlessly Go From Beach To Bar

I’m sure that with all your upcoming beach weekends you’ve already began swimsuit shopping. However, I’m not so sure that you’ve started shopping for the other v important beach essential, a great cover-up. And like, cover-ups are just as important, if not more. Hear me out.

It’s not just about what you’re wearing to and from the beach. Cover-ups also serve as your “outfit” when going to the bar for happy hour post-beach. Cause, tbh, once you start drinking at happy hour, the likelihood you’ll want to go home, shower, and change just to go back out is slim. And luckily, since it’s summer, you’re not expected to be at the bar each night in your best club attire. You really don’t need to go home and change if you reallllly don’t want to. (Which like, feels.) But you also can’t get away with wearing a blatant beach cover-up still once it’s 7pm. All that being said, here are some cover-ups that can pass for a casual beach outfit so you don’t have to interrupt your day drinking buzz.

1. MINKPINK Mahi Oversized Shirt & Cuffed Short

This button-up and shorts set is the perfect cover-up outfit combo for both on and off the beach. It’s lightweight, with a neutral stripe print that makes it totally suitable for the beach. Yet, it’s also nice enough to wear as an actual outfit to the bar. Not to mention, both pieces individually will make excellent versatile additions to your beach weekend wardrobe. They can easily be worn separately or together, and still be super cute both ways. 

2. Solid & Striped Shift Cover-Up Mini Dress

This striped cover-up dress could easily just pass for a cute summer mini dress. It’s ideal for that post-work week Friday afternoon when you know you’ll want to hit the beach for an hour before heading to happy hour right after. This dress is pretty much your new ride-or-die drinking buddy. Wear it over a strapless swimsuit and no one will have any clue you actually just went straight from the beach to a night-long personal bar tour. Well, unless you take a little too much advantage of those early happy hour deals, then your stumbling might just give you away.

3. Beach Riot Ruby Top & Jasper Skirt

Sure, you might look a bit extra wearing this onto the beach. But being extra is “in” (at least I think it is, according to memes on Instagram). You’ll look totally flawless hitting the bar in this set after a full beach day lounging in the sun. Realistically, you could even just wear the skirt with your bikini top onto the beach, and then just pack the top to slip on before you head to the bar after. It’s basically the perfect set to accommodate your vacation agenda of beach, then booze.

4. L*Space Riri Jumpsuit

This striped linen jumpsuit from one of my fav swim brands, L*Space, is the epitome of a beach-to-bar outfit. Again, you can easily wear it over a strapless swimsuit and no one will have any clue you still have your bikini on underneath. As long as you don’t have one of those obnoxious backpack beach chairs on your shoulder as your accessory, everyone will totally believe you changed into this cute jumpsuit specifically to go out for the night!

5. House of Harlow 1960 x REVOLVE Capistrano Dress

This loose-fitting dress is stylish and chic, and just like the aforementioned sets, works just as well on the beach as it does off the beach. It’s casual and lightweight enough to be worn as a cover-up, yet polished and stylish enough that no one would think twice about you wearing it post-swim. You could even toss some heeled sandals in your beach bag to switch into before the night’s festivities, and voilà!

I get that these cover-up options aren’t exactly cheap, especially if you usually get yours from Marshalls for $14.99. However, these are more than just cover-ups; they all work as actual outfits. So even if you aren’t necessarily wearing it from the beach to the bar as suggested, you could easily wear it as a casual summer outfit just as well. Plus, I’m going to go ahead and assume that these ones are all a hell of a lot cuter than the one you got from Marshalls (no shade, just stating the facts). But again, that’s just a hunch, like, what do I know???

Images: Seth Doyle / Unsplash; Revolve (2); Nordstrom; Shopb0p (2)
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Photoshop Fail Of The Week: WTF Revolve?

For today’s Photoshop Fail, I was sent this horrible, horrible photo from Revolve. Look, I love to shop online. I love avoiding the store—no lines, no wearing pants, and no carrying heavy bags. The only true flaw of online shopping is when OnTrac holds your packages hostage but says it’ll be delivered “tomorrow” and then does this for 10 days. Okay, there are two flaws. The second is that it’s impossible to know what looks good on you without trying it on. It doesn’t help when websites use superhumanly thin models that are also 10 feet tall as a gauge of what it looks like. Some brands are on it, and show clothing on a variety of body types and do minimal editing. But most tend to do what I’m about to show you. This is one of those things that gives women unrealistic expectations for their bodies. They will hire extremely thin models and then edit them to make them even thinner. Like, what? The thinnest women in the world are not thin enough for you still? Here is the offending photo that is the subject of today’s Photoshop fail:

There are so many fails with this, it’s hilarious and also very sad for women on a whole. As if we’re not dealing with enough right now. The first thing is that she is airbrushed absolutely everywhere—which is pretty typical and IMO totally pointless. Even worse and terribly common, is that her body has been cut down EVERYWHERE. You can tell because she has soft, blurry edges. If you look at a real photo of a person, you have hard edges, because your arm or whatever does not blur into the background. Since this is a pure white background, it’s normal to “cut out” the model to get rid of what was behind her, but they went into her body too far to make her look thinner. Also? NEVER use a soft, airbrush eraser on hard edges. Here it is close up of what I mean:

You can especially see the sloppy erasing where her wrist connects, but the soft edges are pretty much everywhere. Then they went and shaved down her rib cage too, because women aren’t allowed to have ribs in today’s society. It actually looks like they made the stomach lines too soft so they went back and drew in a VERY crude outline in an attempt to fix it:

It’s like some asshole took the brush tool and just drew back a hard edge on her stomach? It looks like he traced her with a marker? SO, so sloppy. But hey, if even the super thin model needs to be erased out and then drawn back in to fit into today’s standards, that just shows that you should NEVER feel bad that something doesn’t look the same on the model as it does on you.

To compare what an unedited person looks like, Modcloth doesn’t do excessive editing to their models. I say “excessive” because I’m sure they fix lighting, color, and maybe get rid of a pimple or two here and there. But just look at the difference:

ModCloth x Dupenny The Geena High-Waisted Bikini Bottom

Four for you, Modcloth, you go, Modcloth. This model has hard edges everywhere, none of which look like they were drawn back in with a Sharpie. This is most likely the model’s true body and how the swimsuit looks on a real person. This is what everyone should do—just dress your models in flattering cuts! If they wanted to cut out the background, they could start cutting outside of her body lines, not shaving parts of it away with a soft brush the way Revolve has.

These issues are the least of this poor model’s problems though. This very thin woman does not seem to have large breasts. Apparently that’s not okay with Revolve, because they decided to do this to her:

I actually laughed out loud when I saw this. Can you see the problem? In an attempt to give her breasts when she clearly does not have large ones, they used the Burn tool to shade in huge lumps on top of her chest. This is so poorly done, because the only way to get top of boob lines is if you’re pushing up your breasts or have implants. In either case, you would have cleavage. Which she doesn’t. So they’ve only truly succeeded in giving her some scary, half-assed pecs. Which, again, would still have some kind of central line cleavage. It looks so much worse than—gasp—a woman with small breasts.

However, we’re not even done. Let me introduce the TRUE STAR of today’s Photoshop fail.

Quick question: Does that look natural to you? That just isn’t how your thighs/butt work. It doesn’t connect with a line through part of it like these are separate pieces sewn together. This is the part that jumped out to me immediately that something was off here. Also? How saggy would her butt need to be for you to see it through her thighs and hanging down the back? It makes zero anatomical sense.

It looks like she didn’t have a thigh gap, so they put one in. In an attempt to make it look less like they cut a rectangle out of her vagina (looking at you, Target), they cut down her thighs but left that weird top portion. That is her true thigh width. Then they cut in some white lines on either side to make it look like a separate piece. It doesn’t make any sense though, because if this was truly her butt cheek, it wouldn’t be highlighted, it would have shadows. They literally put white divider lines around it so it didn’t look attached to her thigh. Also? Your butt is attached to your thigh, you just wouldn’t see it at this angle, unless you have an extremely saggy butt. The result looks more like she has some weird inner thigh tumor. Apparently tumors are now better than having your thighs touch in today’s fashion. Who knew?

Hopefully this opens your eyes to how full of sh*t our models and advertising are. Don’t compare yourself to these images, they are generally all lies. It’s okay that you don’t have an inner thigh tumor in your photos. It’s okay to be flat-chested and not have superhero top pecs. You do you.

Play This Game Of Coachella Bingo While You Scroll Though Instagram

As most people do, I have a love-hate relationship with Coachella. Every year, I find myself scrolling through Instagram, complaining about how Coachella is basically just Disneyland for influencers, and a way for Vanessa Hudgens to cling to relevance for two weeks a year. Instead of flying across the country and lighting all my money on fire, I prefer to celebrate Couchella. For those wondering, “Couchella” is the fun way of saying “eating a ton of junk food and wallowing in self-loathing as I scroll Instagram and half pay attention to reruns of The Office.”

As much fun as Couchella is, it can get a little depressing by weekend two. But don’t worry, because now we’ve turned Coachella into an opportunity for comedy and drunkenness, with a special game of Coachella Bingo. Tell everyone in the group chat to come over, because you have some serious Instagram stalking to do. Let’s get to the game.

Some guidelines:

  1. To play, don’t bother printing out the Coachella Bingo card. Save the trees and yada yada yada, but also I don’t know a single person who owns a printer anymore. Just screenshot the sheet and use the markup feature on your phone to put X’s on the spot.
  2. Take a shot every time you finish a line. This will almost make it feel like you’re at Coachella, except you have cell phone signal, and you also don’t have to share a bed with six other people in an Airbnb.
  3. When you get blackout (both on the bingo card and from drinking), the prize is that you don’t have to risk sharing a toilet seat with Bella Thorne or Jax Taylor, you don’t have to deal with creepy dudes trying to proposition you for port-a-potty sex, and you don’t have worry about being in shape for a half-clothed Insta for at least two more months. It’s the small things in life.

Coachella Bingo

Just some quick notes on squares that may cause some confusion:

  1. Someone who is too old to be at Coachella: any Real Housewife, or any guy who is actually old enough to be your father.
  2. Changing into a bikini does not count as an outfit change so long as you don’t wear it to the festival, but it counts if you change into an outfit after.
  3. Villains from The Bachelor who the rest of the cast refuses to hang out with do NOT count as seeing a girl gang from The Bachelor. They will, however, fall under the umbrella of fake Revolve sponsorship and/or Diff Eyewear.
  4. Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriends only count if he bought them a hybrid car or dated them during his Oscar campaign to make it seem like he will get married someday to pander to the Academy. Leo sleeps with everyone, so knowing which flavor Juul pod he uses when he vapes during sex does NOT count as being his girlfriend.
  5. Getting wayyyy too tan can count as cultural appropriation if you need it to.
  6. Pretending to be sponsored by Boohoo, VICI, or Fashion Nova counts as pretending to be sponsored by Revolve

And that’s it! Happy hate-stalking, and see you next year!

Clothes That Look Like They’re From Revolve But Cost Way Less

Okay so obviously we all know I hate paying a lot of money for clothes. I’d rather spend my hard-earned cash on more important things, like $50 Ubers and vodka sodas for the entire bar when I’m drunk. The catch here is that I love being fashion-forward and trendy but also cheap AF. Life is so hard. I always find myself laying in bed scrolling through websites like Revolve and Shopbop and wanting everything—but not being able to afford it. Don’t worry, though. I’ve found pieces that look EXACTLY like Revolve, but for less. Vodka sodas for everyone!

Revolve Look #1: Cropped Denim Jacket

Cotton Citizen Cropped Denim Jacket

Cotton Citizen Super Crop Denim Jacket

I’m always searching for a good cropped denim jacket, but I’m not about to give my first born to pay for it. This one is from Revolve for the really reasonable price of $425. IS THIS A JOKE? I found the exact jacket on Zara for $50, so save that extra cash for… IDK, anything else! I paired it with a sweatshirt dress, chain belt, and my favorite sock booties.

Zara authentic denim jacket

Revolve Look #2: Utility Jumpsuit

My next look is a jumpsuit. I love to wear jumpsuits literally everywhere. They’re great for traveling, nights out, and especially when you’re doing nothing. Revolve has one for $248. GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT.

Michael Stars Utility Jumpsuit

Michael Stars utility jumpsuit

I found one on Pretty Little Thing for $38, so you’re welcome. When it comes to styling this jumpsuit, I put a bodysuit on underneath and unbuttoned the jumpsuit a little. That way I avoid looking like I know a lot about how to change your car’s oil. I paired it with sock booties and silver hoop earrings I got from Gemmed Jewelswhich also has jewelry for less. I’m a sucker for a good hoop earring. it can take your outfit from day to night real quick.

Pretty Little Thing khaki utility jumpsuit

Revolve Look #3: Culottes

My last look is these new trendy culotte pants everyone seems to be wearing. I was skeptical about them at first, but I’m a follower so I bought them. Sorry, mom. Culottes are great for the weather change and to wear to work or on a Saturday when you’re pretending to look like an adult. Revolve has them for $194, no thank you.

Rachel Pally Twill James Pant

Rachel Pally twill James pant

I found them on the American Apparel website for $68—a little pricier than I like to spend, but if they’re pants I can wear over and over to the office, then I guess I’ll spend it. I paired this look with a crop top and clear mules from Zara that I now live in. I also threw on a translucent raincoat, because apparently, these are really in style now.

American Apparel twill pleated pant

Hope you and your bank account enjoy these looks for less!

Images: Revolve (3); Maya Media (3)
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Revolve Is Getting Slammed For This Gross Fat-Shaming Sweatshirt

Look out Goop, Revolve is on its way to take your spot as the least relatable brand on the planet. In their latest “wait, what?” moment, Revolve released, and subsequently removed a sweatshirt with the quote “Being fat is not beautiful, it’s an excuse.” Obviously, the internet was quick to call them out for their sh*tty decision making, because this isn’t 2007 anymore and graphic tees with questionable slogans being sold at Abercrombie is no longer a thing that anyone has time for. *Kourtney Kardashian voice* There’s people that are dying. Oh and, just to make this more of a face palm situation, Lena Dunham, Cara Delevingne and a bunch of other models are involved. Because, of course.

Luckily, queen of shade Tess Holliday snagged some receipts and publicly called out Revolve before the sweatshirt was taken down.

LOLLLLL @REVOLVE y’all are a mess. pic.twitter.com/CrzOkd5oE4

— Tess Holliday ???? (@Tess_Holliday) September 12, 2018

According to Fashionista, the product was one of five sweatshirts that were created in a collection for LPA. Each one included something terrible that was said to Lena Dunham, Emily Ratajkowski, Cara Delevingne, Suki Waterhouse and Paloma Elsesser (who was the one told that being fat is not beautiful, it’s an excuse). It was meant to be a campaign addressing cyberbullying, as exhibited by the barely visible Instagram handles on the sweatshirts and literally nothing else. Like, seriously, someone actually thought it was a good idea to create that sweatshirt, throw it on a thin model, and not explain the point behind it. Smart!

In the most on-brand statement of her life, Lena Dunham posted this painting to her Instagram with a long caption explaining the intention behind the collection while distancing herself from the project and announcing donation to the charities of Emily, Cara, Suki and Paloma’s choices. She also called out Revolve and suggested they cough up some money to try and fix this mess. Revolve later told People that it would be making a $20,000 contribution to Girls Write Now, the charity that the collaboration was originally intended to benefit.

 

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For months I’ve been working on a collaboration with LPA through parent company @revolve – sweatshirts that highlight quotes from prominent women who have experienced internet trolling & abuse. This is a cause very close to my heart and the proceeds were meant to benefit charities that help young women by empowering them to express themselves through writing and art. Without consulting me or any of the women involved, @revolve presented the sweatshirts on thin white women, never thinking about the fact that difference and individuality is what gets you punished on the Internet, or that lack of diversity in representation is a huge part of the problem (in fact, the problem itself.) As a result, I cannot support this collaboration or lend my name to it in any way. I am deeply disappointed in @revolve’s handling of a sensitive topic and a collaboration rooted in reclaiming the words of internet trolls to celebrate the beauty in diversity and bodies and experiences that aren’t the industry norm. *** I’d like to especially extend my love and support to @palomija, whose quote was the first to be promoted and mangled. She’s a hero of mine. Like me, she gave her quote in good faith and shared her vulnerability in order to support arts education and to spread her message of empowerment, and she wasn’t consulted in the marketing. Not an ounce of negativity should be sent her way. *** My only goal on this planet is to empower women through art and dialogue. I’m grateful to every woman who shared a quote and so disappointed that our words were not honored. As a result, I will be making a donation to the charity of every woman’s choice who was wronged with me and I hope that @revolve will join me with a contribution of their own. *** P.S. This Rubens painting makes me happy because it’s about women joining in love, but he didn’t recognize diversity at all- he just loved curvy butts. Problematic fave.

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I’m pretty conflicted here. I mean, the intention behind the collaboration definitely sounds cool as like, an initial idea. It kind of reminds me of every time I’ve ever been like, “oh my god, I have an idea for an app/podcast/other sizable project I’m going to realize is a bad idea once I start actually thinking it through.” Like, yeah it would be great to have a collection of clothing that addresses internet trolling. But maybe, Revolve, using a skinny model and selling a sweatshirt that says “Being fat is not beautiful, it’s an excuse” is a miss, considering I can’t imagine anybody except hateful fat-shamers who would dare wear this shirt out in public? IDK, I’m not a professional! Also, if a sweatshirt needs a long-winded explanation to not appear as offensive, maybe it’s just offensive.

Images: tess_holliday / Twitter; lenadunham / Instagram

What’s The Deal With Those Revolve Trips Influencers Go On?

If you simply have an Instagram account, chances are you’ve seen pics from one of Revolve’s iconic influencer getaways. These exclusive trips, only for a select group of top influencers, are luxurious af and insanely glamorous. These trips are all hosted in exotic locations that have effortlessly gram-worthy aesthetics. Not to mention, the influencers on these trips get gifted amazing clothes and are even paid to attend the trip. Like, HOW is that real life?!?!? I mean, f*ck a 9-to-5! Nothing makes me hate my life more than knowing there are girls out there being paid to go on vacation, dress up in trendy clothes, and take fabulous Instagram pics. Like, fingers crossed I come back in my second life as a Revolve influencer. Being that this all sounds like an actual ~dream job~, I’ve done some investigating into exactly what these trips entail. Here’s what I found out about Revolve getaways.

Who Goes?

Short answer: the “it” girls of the moment. The guests at Revolve getaways range from fashion bloggers, like Danielle Bernstein of WeWoreWhat, to former Bachelor contestants, like Amanda Stanton. Basically, you need be stylish and have a celebrity-level following to even be considered as a potential candidate. From my observations, it seems that Revolve usually takes about 12 influencers with them per trip. (But somehow it seems like every person on Earth is going but me. Doesn’t add up.)

Where Are They?

The location of these Revolve getaways is constantly changing. Essentially, the trips are always going to be hosted somewhere with an aesthetically pleasing scenery, aka places that have the perfect background for a fire Instagram. Some past destinations include: Thailand, Hamptons, Ibiza, Croatia, and Bermuda.

What Do Influencers Actually Do On These Trips?

Well, mainly just look hot and take pictures. Upon arrival, influencers are given itineraries that include several dinners and outings that they’re expected to attend. Some of these events may even be brand specific. Meaning, they’re trying to build content to promote a specific brand at that moment, so they ask the influencers to dress in that brand specifically. Beyond the extravagant dinners and activities, some of the trips also include parties and concerts. Which, as expected, always include an “of the moment” performer.

Why Does Revolve Do These Trips?

Because it gets them TONS of publicity and therefore makes them A LOT of money. In October of 2017, WWD reported that “over 70% of overall sales at Revolve were driven by an influencer.” And, as lavish as these trips are, they’re still cheaper than the more traditional media advertising options. But, even so, these trips have proven to have an even greater return on investment for Revolve’s target audience.

Do People Who Go On Revolve Getaways Get Free Clothes?

Oh, yeah. According to “a source close to the talent”, the influencers on these trips are usually allotted a $2,000 clothing credit. Seriously? It’s time I re-examine my life choices up to this point, because clearly being an influencer is the job to have.

Images: Giphy (2)

We’re Obsessed With Chrissy Teigen’s Collab With Revolve

Chrissy Teigen is our spirit animal IRL. I know no one ever says “spirit animal” anymore, but she’s the most relatable, real af, down-to-earth queen woman who rarely ever gives a fuck on social media. So, literally all of us. She’s fucking hilarious (RT @ChrissyTeigen), hella smart, has a family that’s #goals, can cook better than we ever could, gives clothes away because she is just so nice, and even pissed Trump off enough to get blocked by him on Twitter. It’s no surprise that we all aspire to be as betchy as her in every way possible. Not only does she have a bomb af makeup line, but now, we can channel our inner Chrissy in more ways than one. Chrissy’s fab collab with Revolve just launched and naturally, I’m buying one of everything as we speak.

Chrissy Insta

It’s mostly in black, so clearly, she knows what’s good. From little black dresses to to-die-for matcha pants to risqué tops that show off our “developing” abs, here are just a few of my faves (which doesn’t even cut it because I love everything, tbh). I’m not even mad that I’m spending every last dime to my name, though. Peace. Love. Chrissy.

Lip Sync Battle Chrissy

1. Chrissy Teigen x REVOLVE Gardenia Dress

Chrissy’s take on a LBD turns up the sex appeal by like, 10 notches on this little number. With cut-out sleeves, a deep neckline, and cinched waist to hide our bloat, the dress is perfect balance of slutty and classy. Those words are normally never in a sentence together, but Chrissy makes it fashion.

Dress

2. Chrissy Teigen x REVOLVE Matcha Pant in Black

All I’ve seen on the street is everyone wearing these pants. At first, I was hesitant to buy such an item of clothing, but now I def see why everyone’s obsessed. They’re comfy as hell and still fashion-forward enough to wear to a low-key office (or maybe just my office, but I can’t speak for everyone’s profession here) and of course, out to happy hour. Plus, with a black pair, you can wear them with anything. Duh. Pair with sock boots, block-heeled booties, flats, or—fuck it. Any shoe looks just as good.

Matcha Pant

3. Chrissy Teigen x REVOLVE L.A.X. Bustier

This is the next best thing to add to your closet after a LBD, because it’s v versatile so you can wear it like, more than a once a week and still get away with it. Since you can pair this top with any bottom of your choice, you can elevate even the laziest look (sweatpants, anyone?) to appear as though you made an attempt at dressing yourself.

LAX Bustier

4. Chrissy Teigen x REVOLVE Como Bodysuit

Bodysuits are such a necessity if you’re striving to look both v stylish and skinny at the same time. They come in so many styles and colors, it’s a wonder why we still own tops, honestly. That is, if we’re willing to look past the whole peeing shenanigans. This black off the shoulder bodysuit is plunging enough without actually showing a nip, and is so ideal for all those times when the weather is simply bipolar.

Bodysuit

5. Chrissy Teigen By RAYE Delta Bootie

These are the biggest shoe trend of the season, in case you haven’t noticed every celeb or store as of late. I basically have a pair in every color at this point, because they make my legs look long af, and I can honestly walk forever in them. Not only are they comfortable AF, but I still get compliments every time I wear them… Even though I wear them on a weekly basis. Needless to say, these are 100% worth every cent, so I def 10/10 recommend you cop this pair ASAP.

Booties

Read: Zara’s Cheaper Sister Brand Just Opened A Store In The U.S.