Memorial Day Weekend is upon us, and I know this not because I’ve been keeping track of the days in any real way, but because my mother notified me about it in our family group chat, and quickly followed that sentiment up with a, “guess you’re coming home because there’s nothing else you can do.” It’s like she knows just where to hurt me. Usually Memorial Day Weekend is the symbolic start of summer, a time when people crowd any body of water that they can find, oil themselves with enough tanning lotion to grease a tarmac, and black out in honor of our troops. I believe that’s the freedom they fought for anyway.
This year is going to look a little different, though, thanks to the
Hunger Games fan-fiction world we suddenly find ourselves living in. Quarantine has stolen so much from us these days: happy hours, vacations, a reason for me to wash my hair. But there’s one thing I won’t let quarantine take from me. Nay, I REFUSE to let quarantine take from me: my thirst traps. Memorial Day was always my fun excuse to start flooding my IG feed with light nudity and excessive cleavage shots, all in the name of “summer”! And even though this year the biggest body of water I’ll be near is the hose in my parents’ backyard, I still want to keep the thirst level high. So, here’s a look at all the ways you can make the most of your thirst trapping without the sun, sand, or any salty facial expressions from your mother.
Take It Out Of The Sun
The foundation for any summer thirst trap has always been laid with sunny settings. I might not be one to pose in lingerie on my bed (though more power to you if you do!), but I am the first girl to show off her bikini the second the temperature rises above 63 degrees outside. That said, we’re living in a new era now. Without vacations, day trips to the beach, pool days, or really any sunning activities that can’t be done from the crumbling roof of your apartment complex, we need to start getting creative here. And no one does creative sensual selfies better than the Dance Mom kids I follow on Instagram. Sure, they might not even be able to legally drink yet, but you know what? These girls are WISE beyond their years. When I was their age, my idea of a “tasteful” Instagram post involved a close-up of my chest so you could see my bedazzled sorority letter shirt better. Meanwhile, these girls are out here innocently posing with Cheerios and gazing longingly at the sun like a true VSCO girl. Take a note out of these girls’ books and get creative with your location! Pose in the kitchen! On the bathroom counter! Next to your brother’s protein shakes! The possibilities are really endless.
Props Are Important
If you’re finding yourself quarantined with your parents and are wondering how to subtly trick them into taking a picture of you spread eagle in front of your mother’s prized garden without any running commentary about how you’re ruining the family’s good name, then my solution for you is this: use a prop as a distraction. Preferably a human and/or canine prop.
The Kardashians are famous for this. They know that it’s harder for people to talk sh*t about them when they’re using their children as human shields. I mean, people will still talk sh*t because people are monsters, but it will be harder for them to do so. Tell your mom you want a casual photo cuddling the family dog or a candid with your least annoying nephew. If your back should be arched and the angle you’re standing at should also be the best angle to show off your butt and/or cleavage, then that’s all just coincidence, mom! It’s not your fault that you’re so photogenic and statuesque that a Russian bot just left a bunch of tongue out emojis on your IG post with little Jimmy! Geez.
Turn It Into A TikTok
I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this, but why stop at a thirst trap when you can turn it into a full-on work of art? Usually, my stance on TikTok is that it’s a stain upon humanity and the reason culture is dying, but after three months in quarantine
my brain has melted I’m willing to let the masses have this one nice thing. TikTok can be fun because it can either show that a person is hot AND has some sort of personality, or it can just show that a person is really hot. Really, it’s a win-win either way, but I’ll let you be the judge as to how Kylie and Stassie come off.
Take Advantage Of Your Assets
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And no, I’m not talking about your boobs, you perv. It’s the 21st century, y’all, and we no longer need an actual person to take our picture! This is great news for those of us, like me, whose photographer options include her dog or her mother, who likes to take pictures so far zoomed in that you can see every single one of my pores. Tripods, selfie sticks, self timer, Photobooth—the possibilities are truly endless. If Kim K can use her assistant’s MacBook Pro to shoot a clothing campaign for her million-dollar shapewear line, then you can figure out take a tasteful cleavage selfie. No excuses.
And there you have it! All the thirst trapping tips to get your mom off your back and your ex sliding into your DMs. You can thank me in the comments. Ciao!
Images: Drew Dau / Unsplash; @kimkardashian, @kylietiktoks, @khloekardashian, @kalanihilliker /Instagram (1)
Ah, yes. Memorial Day weekend, the first of the major summer holiday weekends. Sure, we often overlook Memorial Day in favor of July 4th and Labor Day, but it’s an excuse to drink WHILE celebrating the troops, so we should really pay more attention. Thank goodness your Memorial Day weekend horoscopes seem pretty conducive to having a really great time. It’s not too early to break out the American Flag bikini, so here are your weekend horoscopes for May 25-27.
Jupiter teaming up with Neptune provides you with the perfect formula to discover a hidden talent. The combination triggers an awakening of your inner life. When you’re at the Memorial Day barbecues this weekend, you’ll pity the poor sap who wants to challenge you to beer pong or corn hole. Others will have no idea the planets make you talented even while tipsy on Coors Light and red, white and blue Jell-O shots.
Thanks to the planets (and everyone in America wanting to vacation this weekend), your travel plans could be the victim of a major SNAFU. It’s best to keep things close to home. If your friends are losers and didn’t get it together in time to make plans, you need to take on the role of hostess. Like, how hard can grilling some hamburgers and impregnating a watermelon with vodka really be?
As it’s the first weekend of Gemini season, it seems only appropriate that you go HAM this Memorial Day. Remind your friends that since it’s your birthday month, you shouldn’t be required to host, plan, pay for any of the weekend’s festivities. You’re not being a bitch, you’re just taking advantage of your god-given right to not be responsible for anything when the Sun is in your sign.
You might feel some anxiety about your love life over the weekend. The Moon is making you more sensitive, so something that might not usually bother you could really fuck you up. If you can’t stand your boyfriend looking at other girls, maybe don’t bring him to a pool party where everyone will be wearing side-boob revealing one pieces. Maybe just dump him instead.
You won’t feel better about whatever is on your mind right now by isolating yourself this weekend. If you wanted to skip out on Memorial Day fun to brood, don’t. The best thing for you right now is to get your mind off that shit while being surrounded by hot dudes, friends, and booze. Feeling sorry for yourself can wait until next week.
As the Moon collides with Virgo this weekend, you might be feeling a bit needier than usual. Saturn’s power over you will cause you to want to stay strong and tough and not admit you could use some extra attention. Classic Virgo. If you can’t humble yourself enough to reach out to friends, disguise your neediness by being the organizer of the weekend events. No one will catch on to you being sort of pathetic right now.
Confidence is key, and this weekend you have a lot of it. You could be tempted to show off a little more than usual, but before you enter that wet T-shirt contest (do they even still have those?), remember that your choices have repercussions. What you do this weekend could live on forever on the internet. Think twice if you ever want to get a job again.
Jupiter and Neptune’s relationship to each other will have you reigniting an old flame this weekend. Whether it be running into a past hookup you’d like to revisit or you’re in a relationship that could use a little TLC, things are looking a little spicier this weekend. Thank goodness you get a long weekend to live out your fantasies.
It’s important that you clear the air at the beginning of the weekend so negative energy or drama doesn’t haunt you all weekend long. The last thing you want is to be ruining the fun as you stand next to the grill, drunkenly yelling at Kate for not inviting you to her last girls’ night. Don’t fuck up everyone else’s weekend because you can’t pull a Katy Perry and extend an olive branch.
This weekend is about trusting your gut. If your intuition tells you not to hook up with the guy who looks like he has HPV, you should probably not hook up with that guy even if he is kind of dirty/hot. BTW, that’s probably not Russel Brand, it’s just a homeless guy. Trust yourself when you get that “Oh, honey, it’s not worth it” feeling, even if it does sort of seem like fun at the time.
Go after what you want this weekend. The planets have aligned to make your wildest dreams come true. This is definitely a weekend to ask yourself “why the fuck not?” You’ll be really surprised when something you never thought would happen comes to fruition just because you put yourself out there. Go for it. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.
That Pisces intuition is firing on all cylinders this weekend. You’re the watchdog for your friends, because you can see a mistake they’re making before they even make it. So when Rachel is about to get in the water with a white bikini after telling you she missed her last waxing appointment, feel free to step in. You’re not a wet blanket, you’re the best friend a girl could have.
Images: Giphy (6)
Anyone who’s anyone knows that this weekend is the weekend that unofficially kick-starts the summer. Memorial Day weekend is basically a preview of what’s to come in the upcoming months after we spend too many hours under the sun drinking La Croix cocktails. I cannot fucking WAIT. By this point in the year, the weather has (hopefully) warmed up so that we can dig out our favorite shorts, new bathing suits, and flattering dresses to the many drunken pool parties, boat parties, and barbecues we’ll obviously be attending. The perks of this upcoming weekend don’t stop there, though. I’m talking about a 4-day weekend, which means no Monday morning at work (praise fucking be), much-needed getaways, and of course, the insanely good shopping deals your email inbox will be overwhelmed with. The biggest (and clearly, the best) would be the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale that starts today and goes through June 3rd. Trendy af styles will be 40% off, so now’s the time to get those sandals, tops, and skirts you’ve been eyeing on Instagram influencers.
1. WAYF Kean Wrap Crop Top
This isn’t like, a regular crop top. It’s a cool crop top with a v extra wrapped tie you can easily take from the beach to the bar. Both subtle stripes and nautical vibes are in rn, so definitely be sure to pack this with you next time your plans involve a yacht.
2. Topshop Twill Asymmetrical Wrap Skirt
Skirts are everything at the moment, so if you haven’t amped up your game since your Laguna Beach days, you should probs consider grabbing a couple of styles during the Nordstrom Half-Yearly sale. This simple black wrapped skirt can easily be worn in the office and to happy hour without any judgment or passive-aggressive emails.
3. Free People Counting Daisies Embroidered Off The Shoulder Dress
You’ll look both in theme and appropriately patriotic for Memorial Day and Fourth of July with this white and red off the shoulder dress. You go, Glen Coco. It’ll go perfectly with the new tan you’re bound to get this weekend and looks fab when paired with block heel sandals (see #6) that also happen to make your legs look miles long.
4. WAYF Polermo Wrap Maxi Dress
It wasn’t until this spring that I developed an entirely new appreciation for maxi dresses. But only the styles that are decorated with boho chic prints and make me look tall, lean, and classy. This chiffon style is obviously a reminder of why we love millennial pink, and it will def get you a ton of likes every time you post a Boomerang in it.
5. 4SI3NNA Crop Jumpsuit
The limit does not exist for how many jumpsuits you can own in the summer. Especially a black one (or two) that show your die-hard dedication for an all black wardrobe, regardless of the season (and make you look slimmer).
6. Mercedes Castillo Darea Ankle Tie Platform Sandal
And of course, with a new summer wardrobe and attitude, you need cute new shoes. Fucking duh. Wraparound styles always get you so many compliments, and as we’ve established, a low block heel AND platform gives you extra height without a ton of pain. It’s just a bonus that it comes in a neutral shade because then you know you’ll be wearing them out to plenty of nights of bar hopping.
Photos: Nordstrom (6)
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Oh, sweet Ariel Winter. So much to learn, so little desire to change. In the past, the Modern Family star’s fashion choices have drawn a lot of, um, feedback based on their skimpy nature, and that’s not great. But Ariel is creating controversy on Instagram again, and this time it’s fair to criticize Ariel without sounding like a slut-shamer.
In the photos, Ariel’s got her knees in the sand and is pulling on her swimsuit bottom like it’s giving her a rash. She’s also got some fake eyelashes on that look like they’re considering a suicide mission to jump off her face (I would do the same tho). In the photo, Ariel is going for some serious Playmate of the Year vibes, which would have been fine, except that she captioned the post “Happy #MemorialDay.”
Let’s unpack. If you’re not from the U.S. or you fell asleep in history class or something, Memorial Day is a holiday meant to honor soldiers who have died defending their country. It’s not actually supposed to be about beer and bikinis, no matter how tempting that extra Monday off may be. In other words:
So yeah, people aren’t thrilled with Ariel for posting a Memorial Day caption that has nothing to do with veterans, or America, or really anything but being a thirst trap. We’re very much in favor of getting wasted at the pool on Memorial Day, but don’t go on Instagram and pretend you actually give a shit about the troops. Or, like, at least hold a little American flag while you’re posing in your swimsuit.
It’s probably best to save the bikini photos for the 4th of July when no one died; a bunch of old dudes just signed some piece of paper. Also, never pose with your knees in the sand, it makes it look like you’re about to go down on a merman.
Listen up, heathens. Whether or not you even know what the real meaning of Memorial Day is, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the memorializing/excuse for drinking is over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this weekend. Fortunately, you have a few weeks to prepare for the next big binge drinking excuse of the summer, 4th of July. But in the meantime, the next day or two are not going to be easy.
So what’s a betch to do? Follow advice she found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this weekend.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replace Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it; you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc.
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Asparagus Tonight
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Seltzer
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
It’s the unofficial start to the summer: Memorial Day Weekend. That’s right, it’s the first vaguely patriotic drinking holiday of the season. But how should you spend this holiest of days? Should you chug Budweiser at a BBQ? Black out on cocktails on a rooftop? Sleep the whole weekend away? Hopefully not the third thing. Read below to see what the stars have in store for you
Idk what you had in mind for this holiday weekend, Aries, but here’s what the stars have in mind for you: sex. No joke. This weekend, you are getting some. More than some, you’re getting a ton. Why? Because Venus is just like, really happy to see you. Idk, don’t question the universe when it’s handing you three days of bliss. Be ready at all times, Aries, because you never know when the opportunity will present itself.
Despite our best efforts, sometimes we’re just hit with an overwhelming urge to become our best Martha Stewarts and start puttering around the house like it’s the 1950s and our abusive husbands are counting on it. This is your weekend for hosting, Taurus. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. There is literally no better time to show off your clean apartment and elite party planning skills than at a Memorial Day barbecue. This weekend, decorate your house, order cook a bunch of fun food, and let your friends know that you could, in fact, be ultimate wifey material if you spent the other 363 days of the year giving a fuck.
Happy Birthday, Gemini! We hope you celebrate in the appropriate fashion, meaning that you adopt an entire week as your own and spend the entire time drinking and wearing a crown while everyone treats you like a queen. You know, the typical birthday protocol. Who cares when your actual birthday is, try kicking off festivities this weekend. Make sure all activities center around you, preferably all while being planned and coordinated by someone else. I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?
Space is a good thing, Cancer. Both the NASA kind and the kind where you get people to leave you the fuck alone for once. Let’s focus on the latter, shall we? It’s cool that you have friends who value your opinion and actually want to spend time with you, but it’s also cool to tell them all to back off for a few days. This weekend, reconnect with yourself by connecting with absolutely no other living being other than the Postmates delivery person. Being in constant contact with people can get exhausting quick, and you’ve more than earned a two-day reprieve from the madness.
After months of waiting, Leo, it’s finally your turn. You have a tendency to put others’ needs before your own, and this is the weekend that that stops. For the next two days, it’s your time to shine, whine, dine, succeed, black out, or whatever it is that you’ve been holding yourself back from doing. Do not let anyone get in your way, at any cost. Now is a better time than ever to learn how to assert yourself.
You have been on a roll this week, Virgo, as far as getting your life together is concerned. It’s honestly inspiring, so much so that we’re going to urge you to keep going. That’s right, today is the day that we here at Betches are actually pro-working. Write it in the history books. But really, there’s no sense in stopping the momentum you have going right now. Is your life literally clean? Cool, now get to the metaphorical side. Get rid of any shitty people that are adding clutter to your lifestyle. Try repairing any relationships that may have fallen by the wayside while you were lamenting throughout winter. Whatever you do, make sure it’s something that makes you feel like a better person.
Time to fucking party, Libra. You’ve done it. You crossed the finish line and the only item on your to-do list is “go wild.” Take these next two days (or three…or four…it’s a holiday after all) to be your best, drunkest self, the way the founders of Memorial Day intended. Hangovers are not a concern now that you’ve accomplished what you set out to do. Relish in the oncoming sense of death you’ll be suffering on Tuesday. You earned it.
There are reunions in your future this weekend, Scorpio. Many of them. It’s kind of inevitable on big party weekends like this. Some will be enjoyable but more likely, most will be excruciatingly painful in only the way running into people from your past can be. Our advice? Drink your way through it. For the next two days, let vodka take the wheel and just follow wherever it leads you. Potential effects of this strategy could be starting a 10-year feud with a relative or having drunk sex with some guy you went to high school with in the bathroom of your local bar, but otherwise the plan is foolproof.
Holiday weekends with seemingly endless amounts of alcohol can get you thinking about things you may have been avoiding. Somewhere around that fourth glass of sangria after a couple hours in the sun, texting an ex or formerly ghosted guy can start to seem like a really good idea. Bottom line: it’s not. It will never be a good idea. That doesn’t mean drunk you won’t do it, just that sober you will be pissed the next day. If you are dead set on sabotaging yourself this weekend, make sure you at least look good while you’re doing it. This means makeup goes on before day drinking starts. We’ve all been drunk as shit at 7:00 trying to get ready for a night out, and we’ve all seen the pictures that resulted from it. The weekend already sounds like it’s going to be an experiment in embarrassing yourself, so do yourself whatever little favors you can.
As much as it pains us to say it, this weekend is not about you. Let that settle in before we move on. For the next two days, you’re playing a supporting role in someone else’s story, and your job is to be supportive and constantly stocked with airplane sized vodka bottles. It’s not the easiest part to play, but someone has to do it. Come Tuesday you can go back to being your self-centered self the way God intended. But until then, try and be the good friend that we all know you can be.
Listen closely, Aquarius. Really focus here. Despite the way you’ve acted for your literal entire life, this weekend you’re going to have to shut down the dramatics for at least three days. We know, it’s hard. Any other time, your wild antics and ridiculous stories are general crowd pleasers. But this weekend? Tone it down. There is bigger shit going on than your non-stop internal stand-up comedy and the sooner you recognize that, the easier shit will be for you. Just drink some wine, sit back, and let someone else have the spotlight for once. You can do it, we have faith.
This weekend isn’t going to be much of a holiday for you, Pisces. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you and I both know that there is some fairly important shit that you’ve been putting off for far too long now. Our advice? Spend the next three days doing that shit. Sure, you’ll miss out on a BBQ or two, but nothing will compare to the total and complete contentment you’ll feel come Tuesday when you realize that you are finally carefree. Or, at least, as carefree as a millennial can be in 2017. If you hurry up and get your shit together, maybe you can squeeze one night of debauchery into this weekend. No pressure, but get it together.
Memorial Day is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along when we least expect it to save us from spring weather that is legit moodier than me day one of my period and finally bring us to the promised land aka summer. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to
black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is trying to rob me of my happiness going to have shit weather this weekend I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and will be drinking in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and blackout in over MDW because patriotism:
1. Mr. Purple (LES)
Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself in being a person that
is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.
2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)
If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it.
3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)
This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned.
4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)
I know what you’re thinking, The Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to
make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one hundred percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring themselves for Instagram ads.
5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)
Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders* BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over MDW. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.
6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)
I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your MDW plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.
HIPSTER: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels*
7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)
This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.
8. The Delancey (LES)
Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting
poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.
^literally me last Saturday
This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life.
Ah, Memorial Day, the unofficial start of summer, awkward family summer gatherings, pool parties, and body shaming. When else can you finally unleash your totally awesome summer bod while indulging in hot dogs and potato salad while chugging a beer? Maybe Spring Break and the Fourth of July and every other vaguely American holiday in existence, but we digress. Of course, there are consequences to these actions (what? Why?). If you indulge in the salty, fatty, bubbly concoction of shit served at the barbecue, your hard-worked-for summer body will melt away like your sunscreen from weird spots on your bod. Let us help you. Here are the top 10 things to reach for at this weekend’s Memorial Day barbecue that won’t have your vintage denim shorts riding high in your ass later.
If you’re scrounging around for a side, stick with the most musical of fruits even though it’s a legume and not a goddamn fruit. Beans, although they can be soaked in sauces and shit, are full of folate and fiber, both of which will do more for you than the pile of mayonnaise with chunks of potato in it.
We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Watermelon is what Jesus would eat if he wanted to stay hydrated and skinny. It’s full of water, tastes great, has literally no calories, and is filling if you eat enough of it. Plus, all the water is good for your skin—so, really, this is a win-win situation.
3. Corn On The Cob
Lest we forget that this staple of summertime is, in fact a vegetable. If it’s grilled, it’s a healthy and not-terrible-for-you-at-all side that you can actually enjoy. Spray on a little butter, salt, and pepper and you’re good to go. Try not to go the Mexican street corn route and slather it in mayo, cheese, and spices… although that does sound pretty goddamn good…
4. Vinegar-Based Coleslaw
Coleslaw is honestly a weird side in general. Who thought of this? “HEY MA I’mma fix some shredded cabbage with mayo and spices and call it a veggie!” Anyway, if it ISN’T the mayonnaise-drenched variety, feel free to indulge. The vinegar (if it’s the apple cider variety) can rev your metabolism and the cabbage is full of nutrients and vitamins.
If the host or hostess of this backyard barbecue are rich enough to be serving everyone steak OR are being misers and cubing it for kebabs, grab it while you can. Although red meat has its issues, it’s honestly better for you than a giant burger or tube of mystery meat since it’s full of protein and vitamins. Just remember 3 oz. is all you need—which would be about the size of your iPhone 7. I mean, Anna Wintour has a steak every day for lunch, and anyone who thinks Anna Wintour is wrong about anything is seriously disturbed.
In line with steak, a lean grilled chicken breast is a great option for the center of your barbecue plate—as are chicken kebobs. So long as it isn’t fried or smothered in cheese, chicken will get you your protein fix, keep you satisfied, and only clocks in at about 150 calories for a breast.
Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, you’re outside, so like, be hydrated.
8. On The Rocks
If you’re drinking liquor, and obviously you are, skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks with a hint of citrus. Want a margarita? No, you want tequila over ice with a splash of lime. How about vodka? Add some ice and some fresh crushed watermelon and you’re good to go. Keep the calories away with fruit, liquor, and ice.
Any decent barbecue has a shit ton of fresh fruit. I mean, it’s the damn bounty of the season, right? There should be plenty of pineapple, berries, pears, you fucking name it. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out. That way, your stomach will be begging you to stop before you even think about s’mores and cheeseburgers.
Same rule applies to crudités—aka a veggie platter for the non-bougie among us. Aunt Delilah will surely bring a giant crudité tray to the barbecue for nibbling. Grab a ton of celery, tomatoes, and cucumbers and get to work. SKIP that nasty ranch dip because ranch is for fatties. I’m not even sorry—that shit is disgusting. If you MUST dip, find some guacamole or salsa. The veggies will help fill you up to prevent your sausage fingers from grabbing another beer or plate of macaroni.