I have a conspiracy theory that every food influencer who posts their “Crumbl cookies of the weeeeek” video and squeals in delight after chewing through a five-inch mouthful of concrete frosting is simply on the payroll of Big Cookie. If you change your flavors every week, how can you ever master a recipe? Where are those 10,000 hours at? Crumbl feels like it’s in the seventeenth season of a Shonda Rhimes show, constantly raising the stakes to outdo its last caloric monstrosity.
This week, however, these sugar-coated boulders piqued my interest. From now until April 12th, Crumbl is serving up an official collab with my personal patron saints, the KarJenner family (though the Rob erasure continues). Putting my nebulous morals aside, I bravely entered Crumbl at 11 a.m. like a totally sane, properly-hinged person to taste the six cookie flavors.
From Kourtney’s gluten-free chocolate cake to Kim’s uncomfortably jizzy snickerdoodle, here are the official Betches rankings of the Crumbl x Kardashian collab. Konsume at your own risk.
6. Kourtney’s Flourless Chocolate Cake
When you think of flourless chocolate cake, you think rich and decadent. Crumbl notoriously has zero fear of excess, so I was hopeful that this recipe would be well within their wheelhouse, but I actually found the flavor offensive. Maybe it was Kourtney’s insistence on a gluten-free formula that made this such a flop, like when she battled with Kim over a sugar-free CandyLand birthday party. The cake (which is notably the only item ensconced in a plastic container, separating it from interaction with the rest of the family — classic Kourt) is “crowned with tangy raspberries,” but there’s something about eating a raspberry from Crumbl that evokes the same anxiety in me as ordering lasagna from a hospital.
5. Kendall’s Cookie Dough Cupcake Cookie
Of course Kendall and her “not like other girls” energy shows up with the only 1,000-calorie cookie of the bunch. She’s a Victoria’s Secret angel, but she’s also one of the boys — and don’t forget it! The brown sugar cookie base is okay on its own, but it’s smothered to the Gods in a sickly sweet cookie dough buttercream that maybe tastes good for a second before it’s immediately usurped by that classic, chemical Crumbl aftertaste. The best part of this cookie is the dollop of cookie dough atop the center — you can skip the rest.
4. Kylie’s Pink Sugar Cookie
The resistance I encountered when cutting into this with my fork and knife was jarring. This cookie is the simplest of the group, and probably the most aesthetically pleasing, depending on what you’re into — there’s something about the perfectly smooth frosting application that creates the same euphoria as a fresh jar of peanut butter. I tested this cookie last, and the gag is: the cake batter buttercream almost tasted refreshing in comparison to the aggressive use of chocolate in the rest of the lineup. Anyway, what are the odds that Kylie comes out with a Crumbl cookie-inspired line of lip blushes in the next six months? Nothing is tastier to me than corporate synergy.
3. Kris’s Classic Yellow Layer Cake
What you see is what you get: this tastes like a boxed birthday cake that even a hapless, disengaged dad could whip up in an afternoon if he had to. But for the often-credited “mastermind” behind the KarJenner clan’s rise to supreme power, the concept lacks a necessary creative chutzpah. What is “Kris” about this? A Kris Kringle could have been more apt, or maybe an espresso martini-inspired concoction. Nothing says I have no opinion, identity, or personality quite like yellow birthday cake. It’s the white Air Forces of desserts.
2. Khloé’s Cookies & Cream Skillet Cookie
The primary reason Khloé scores so high here is because of the cookies and cream mousse sitting atop this brick-like brownie round. It’s light and unique but never cloying. The brownie is dry and crumbly, not gooey or fudgy — if a friend baked it, you could say “that was pretty good!” and mostly mean it, but as a premium baked good, I had zero desire to go in for a second bite. Nonetheless, I appreciate KoKo’s originality, or whichever marketing associate put this in the brand partnership deck that she glanced at.
1. Kim’s Snickerdoodle Crumb Cake Cookie
Maybe it’s my overwhelming Kim bias talking, but the snickerdoodle cookie is hands-down the most edible of the collection. And would we expect anything less from this canonically competitive sister who once said she would put Kendall in the ground if it meant beating her out for a Vogue cover? The cinnamon streusel crunch has a firm structural integrity that the dude from The Brutalist would’ve been proud of, and the glaze topping is subtle enough that you could maybe eat the whole thing without succumbing to a brutal sugar coma. Plus, it’s beige, which is so Kimberly.
