5 Lies The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Told Us

Pour your zero-carb appetite suppressant out for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, which was officially canceled yesterday in a statement by their parent company, L Brands. Apparently, the VS fashion show is taking the year off to “evolve the messaging” of the brand, aka to consider working with people who are not six foot tall cis women that weigh the same as an apple. In the #MeToo era, it comes as no surprise that a show as blatantly male gaze-y as the VS Fashion Show would have to rebrand (also, model Shanina Shaik leaked the news to the Daily Telegraph back in July). As someone who, for whatever reason, found herself watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show year after year, the news is bittersweet. Sure, I won’t be subjected to a parade of damaging body standards that leave me seriously considering an all-soup diet, but I also won’t get to see Kendall Jenner wearing a space bra covered in glitter.

Obviously, I’m kidding. I will not miss wasting three hours on this event, which I inevitably would have done because I’m a sick millennial who is addicted to screens. But in honor of this iconic show’s demise, here are five iconic lies they’ve told us over the years. Here’s hoping the Hadid sisters use the show’s end as an excuse to let loose and try a piece of cheese.

1. This Is What Normal People Look Like In Underwear

Let’s be clear: I’m not saying that nobody looks like this. Some people do! And all 20 of them are in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, there are a blessed few who pop out of the womb with the genetics to be 5’10 and 119 pounds, but for most of us, that is just not happening. And for the people who are 5’1o and 119 pounds? Yeah, they mostly don’t look like this:

Anyway, back to watching Netflix on my couch wondering why I don’t have a six pack even though I went to the gym for 20 minutes three months ago.

2. This Is An Appropriate Costume

Yeah…don’t do this. Don’t even think about doing this. Unless you’re actually Native American*, in which case do whatever the hell you want. You’ve been through a lot. This photo is of Karlie Kloss from the 2012 VS Fashion Show, approximately 500 years after Columbus sailed the ocean blue and made this not okay to do. (Rhyme intended.) Funnily enough, Karlie stopped walking for VS in 2014 after “studying feminist theory” at NYU and realizing it sent harmful messages to young girls. Models! They’re just like us! (Getting woke after taking one women’s studies class in college.)

Also, anyone who wants to comment on this post saying VS was just trying to “honor” Native American culture is welcome to do so, but they also legally must Venmo me $12. Call it an ignorance tax.

*finding out you’re .00007% Chippewa on 23andMe doesn’t count. 

3. This Is What A 37-Year-Old Woman Looks Like

This photo is from last year’s show, where a 37-year-old Adriana Lima walked her final runway. Now, I’m not saying that a woman in her late thirties can’t be a gorgeous, sexy, sensual being in the prime of their life. But what we see above is an actual abomination of nature. A gorgeous abomination, sure. But an abomination nonetheless. For reference, here is what I, a 29-year-old woman, will look like in exactly one year talking about the time I went to Bonnaroo:

Time is a cruel mistress.

4. Trans Women Can’t Be Fantasies

#TBT to a little over one year ago, when Victoria’s Secret was forced to issue an apology after Ed Razek, the guy literally known as “the man behind the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show,” said he would never allow “transexuals” (his word, not ours) to walk the catwalk because the show “is a fantasy.” He then went on to say the same thing about plus-size models.

First of all, trans women are women and plus-size women are women and the whole point of the show is to sell clothes to women, so wtf are you even talking about? Second of all, anyone who doesn’t think plus-sized or trans women can be “a fantasy” is a narc who has never even glanced at porn.

Anyway, Razek left L Brands this August, and shortly before his departure, Victoria’s Secret hired Valentina Sampaio (pictured above) as their first trans model. You simply love to see it.

5. This Is What Running Into Your Ex Is Like

We couldn’t talk about the VS Fashion Show without mentioning the iconic moment, also known as “the only good thing that happened in the year 2016.” Let’s set the scene: Bella Hadid and The Weeknd had been dating for a year when they split up just a month before Bella’s first-ever VS Fashion Show. They were then reunited live on stage as Bella made her VS debut looking like a low-carb snack. And thus a million revenge fantasies were born.

Unfortunately, a moment like this is not available to the vast majority of the population. For us non-models, reuniting with an ex looks more like running into them with their new girlfriend while we are making a tampon run in old sweatpants. But this moment was amazing television, and almost makes the 23 years of toxic beauty standards and bad body image worth it. Almost.

Images: Giphy (4)

Everyone Taylor Swift Not-So-Subtly Shades In Her ‘Elle’ Essay

I’m about to blow all your minds—I love Taylor Swift. I know! I’m sorry if you’re one of those people that wish something graphically horrible would happen to her, but I’m a card-carrying member of the Taylor fan club (we don’t really have cards). Maybe it’s because “Tim McGraw” reminds me of a simpler time when my only responsibility was to make sure I ordered enough jalapeño poppers from Campus Corner for all the people crammed into a tiny dorm room. Or perhaps it’s because a guy I used to date told me that “Today was a Fairytale” reminded him of us. Sure, that ended with a $75 dollar red light traffic ticket and some lasting mental health issues, but I should have known better than date someone that lived on Staten Island! So yes, it could be my own nostalgia talking, but it also could be because Taylor is the queen of petty and brings it. Every. Single. Time. Her ability to hold a grudge is only rivaled by my stone-cold Italian grandmother.

Why am I confessing my deepest, darkest secrets you ask? Well, Taylor appears on the cover of Elle’s April issue, and she bribed them was allowed to write her own story titled “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30.” Perhaps you’ve heard, Taylor was born in 1989. So 30 is upon her. Now, the only thing I learned before turning 30 was that you shouldn’t spend your rent money on wine and pizza, but sure, I’m willing to entertain the idea that a pop superstar with her own jet learned slightly more than a Jersey girl who likes to sh*t talk. And boy, am I glad I did. Because this essay is a master class in shade. These “lessons” are Taylor’s thinly veiled takedowns of her enemies, and I am here for it because that’s basically what I try to do with all my articles too! So, since Tay isn’t naming names, I’m here to break down who she’s not-so-subtly shading in this article. Author note: these are only guesses, please don’t sue me, Taylor!

Tom Hiddleston

In lesson sixteen, Taylor says, “Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know…get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time.”

This is obviously referencing Taylor’s brief romance with Tom Hiddleston, who she met at the 2016 Met Gala. They had an incredibly cringey dance-off that made me wish the internet was never invented, then he was invited to #Taymerica where he was spotted donning a tank top that said “I Heart TS,” and I was officially dead of embarrassment by the time they broke up in October. It seems Taylor realized that perhaps just because a white dude that went to Cambridge is game to torture us with a dance routine to “Bring ‘Em Out,” does not mean you should go all in on that immediately. Plus, you know who else gave a solid first 15? Ted Bundy. Just saying.  

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Another Dance video of Tom and #Taylorswift at #metgala ? #thomaswilliamhiddleston #tomhiddleston #hiddlestoner #thiddy #hiddlesarmy #loki #beautiful #sexy #sweet #lovely #handsome #adorable #great #man #perfection #british #thenightmanager #london

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#neverforget

Karlie Kloss

Of all the friends in Taylor Swift’s 1989-era girl squad, Karlie Kloss was queen bee of them all. Taylor and Karlie even posed for a Vogue cover together, with the article titled “On the Road with Best Friends Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss.” If Vogue says you’re best friends, then you just are. And then Karlie just kind of disappeared from Taylor’s life. Psycho fans people even believed they were a couple that had a bad breakup. Seriously. Karlie recently got married, and Taylor wasn’t there. So what happened? I think we have our answer in lesson twenty:

“Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever.”

So clearly they were both really tall, really famous, really blonde girls that were the same age and so they became friends. I can obviously totally relate. And so they just eventually went their separate ways, with Karlie marrying into the Kushner family and Taylor busy tending to her grudges like little pets.

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Made in the USA™

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The good old days

Anna Wintour

If you come at the Queen you best not miss, and I think Taylor misses on this one. In lesson twenty-one she writes:

“Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.”

I’m so sorry that Anna insisted you make your look a little more edgy to be in her high fashion magazine, Taylor. God forbid you give up the burnt straw hair color you cling to like it’s your first born. Anna was right, and Bleachella was your best look. And I’m not just saying that because I myself spent one glorious year as a platinum blonde. Sure, my hair is falling out now, but that’s beside the point.

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Who's that girl? It's @taylorswift on our May cover! Click the link in our bio to see inside. Photographed by @mertalas and @macpiggott, styled by @tonnegood.

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Kimye

Oh, did you think Taylor was going to write an article and not call out public enemy #1? I’m sorry I couldn’t even say that with a straight face. Of course Taylor claims she would like to be excluded from this narrative, but that’s only when other people are talking about it, duh. She says in lesson twenty-seven:

I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.”

KARYN!! She named the cobra KARYN! I’d like to know more about this choice. Why Karyn with a y and not an e? What an unconventional spelling. So many unanswered questions, I will be on the edge of my seat studying her secret IG clues until I get an answer for this one. Obviously Taylor is not over the whole Kimye feud, and that’s fine with me. Feuds are to me as unicorn blood is to Voldemort. They give me life. I hope Taylor takes this one to the grave, and that Karyn is etched on her tombstone.

My Cocktail Making Skills

Despite the entire thesis of my article, Taylor does talk about other things in her essay. Here’s lesson nine:

“I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.”

Lol, wait. I take it back, that’s some more shade at Kimye. If you’ll recall, 2016 was the year that the feud of all feuds went down, and Taylor clearly still hasn’t gotten over it. Anyways, in this lesson she’s also coming for my cocktail making skills. Who the f*ck knows how to make an Old-Fashioned? I’m still mastering the vodka soda. Except I don’t have club soda. Or ice. If you come to my apartment, you get a lukewarm vodka and you WILL LIKE IT.

And that’s all! Did I miss any other shade Taylor was throwing? Let me know!

Images: Giphy (1); hiddlove,karliekloss,voguemagazine/Instagram

One Of Taylor Swift’s Besties Just Betrayed Her In A V Public Way

I hope you are all sitting down right now, because I have some bad news for the Kaylor shippers out there. (Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift, yes it’s a real thing, no I don’t need help.) It appears the tall blonde singer and her taller blonde friend are having some problems, because late last week TMZ caught Karlie Kloss in the ultimate act of betrayal. No, she did not kill Taylor’s cat. No, she did not kidnap her first child. She didn’t even watch Game of Thrones without her and then lie about it right to her face as if it meant nothing (Looking at you, Liz). She—wait for it—hung out with Katy Perry!

If you recall, Taylor and Katy used to have mad love, but now they have bad blood. Taylor still has scars in her back from Katy’s knives. It’s horrendous and violent. Now, all members of Taylor’s elite squad are banned from hanging out with Katy, and I imagine if they break that rule they can only borrow Taylor’s smallest yacht and must clean out Meredith Grey’s litter box when the housekeeper is away. We all saw what happened when Selena dared to get back with Justin.

She’s ruthless.

Rumors of problems between Taylor and Karlie have been brewing for a while. They have not been seen out together in some time, and Karlie’s name was suspiciously missing from the T-shirt of friends’ names Taylor was wearing in the “Look What You Made Me Do” video. Then, in January, Karlie posted a video of herself playing basketball and captioned it “Swish swish.” She got so much backlash from Swifties that she ended up changing the caption on Instagram.

As any Betch would know, “Swish Swish” is the name of Katy’s pathetic excuse for a diss track for Taylor on her last album. Hmm, suspicious. Rabid pre-teens People were immediately calling Karlie a traitor, while others seemed to think that this could be a sign that Taylor and Katy are cool now and just waiting to announce it. Sure guys, hold onto those dreams, they’re cute.

I’m sure everything will be revealed on Taylor’s next album when the first single will most definitely be titled “Die Karlie Die.” Did I accurately capture the subtleties of Taylor’s shade? I think I did.

All I know for sure is that if nothing was wrong, why ya look so guilty Karlie?
We Tried The Workout Classes Meghan Markle, Gigi Hadid & Other Celebs Swear By

New York City is filled with celebs, and even the ones who don’t live here full-time happen to have a random penthouse in TriBeca just in case LA gets boring (talking to you, Rihanna.) While most celebrities have personal trainers that follow them to the Hamptons in the summer and know more about their kids’ annoying habits than their husbands do, a lot of celebs actually prefer to go to workout classes than do personal training. I was pretty tempted to see how these people get in such good shape, so I decided to try 5 boutique fitness classes that celebs swear by. I’m now broke AF and bedridden from soreness, but I survived all five classes, so I thought I’d give you the low-down on each one. Here’s the deal.

1. The Fhitting Room

Ever since the news about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry came out, the press has been stalking Meghan to see where she works out. It turns out she takes classes at The Fhitting Room, a high-intensity, circuit-style class with three locations in the city. Put simply: This class kicks your ass. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s the only fitness class in New York where there are two instructors per class, so you literally can’t slack off because you’ll definitely be caught and forced to do burpees as punishment. The class is broken up into a strength segment, a circuit, and then a “FHIX,” where you’re given a short (but painful) amount of time to complete a certain list of exercises. The actual class is 50 minutes, but it honestly flies by because the music is dope and the instructors have a good sense of humor. I wouldn’t say it’s for beginners, but if you’re into the idea of swinging kettlebells to a Kendrick Lamar playlist, def check it out. 

2. Stoked 360

Kira Stokes trains a lot of celeb clients one-on-one, but she also offers a few group classes at NYSC’s boutique fitness lab for anyone who wants to see how Candace Cameron-Bure works out without paying like, $500 per session. Aside the fact that Kira’s body is literally 110% muscle (okay, not literally…), her class is pretty intimidating because there’s a group of regulars who are more dedicated to her cult than the entire religion of Scientology. Once you get past the intimidation, the class is a really good workout, and you can tell it’s strategically set up in a way that works your entire body with HIIT intervals of jumping rope in between circuits. Beware that it’s literally 75 minutes and sometimes goes even longer, but then again this woman is literally flown to movie sets to train her clients, so it’s worth a try.

3. Barry’s Bootcamp

Barry’s Bootcamp has been a celeb staple ever since Kim was the athletic Kardashian and Jake Gyllenhaal had to get in shape for Brokeback Mountain. It’s nothing new, but we obviously had to stop in for a class because it’s such a favorite. So many celebrities go to Barry’s Bootcamp, and it’s because the class is basic and effective. You basically rotate between intervals on the treadmill and strength training on the floor, so you book a spot and then go back and forth between the treadmill and its corresponding bench a few times. The class is broken up into different body parts for each day of the week to make sure you can go two days in a row without being so sore you’re basically crippled (which you will be). I’d recommend going on the weekends for a full body routine, or on Tuesdays if you want to be limping for two days afterwards. At least you’re getting your money’s worth.

4. Dogpound

Ever since Gigi Hadid started Snapchatting from Gotham Gym and Karlie Kloss started using boxing gloves as an accessory in VS photoshoots, boxing is trendier than ever, and the Dogpound is where celebs are flocking to. The Dogpound is a boutique boxing studio downtown, and the trainers somehow convince Victoria’s Secret models to run laps around the building and literally flip tires as a warm-up. The actual gym is pretty intimidating, but the workout itself isn’t that hard. Like, when Shay Mitchell did a class here she went to Barry’s after because she wasn’t that tired. You go through short boxing intervals with strength-training and cardio segments in between, but you have some time to rest to take off your gloves. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great workout, but let’s just say there’s a reason any Instagram model can do it. 

5. SLT

The SLT clientele is a collection of 90-pound blondes who own every two-piece outfit from Bandier, but the workout is really legit if you can stop staring at Lo Bosworth’s abs on the reformer next to yours. Celebrities who swear by SLT include Gigi Hadid, Vanessa Hudgens, Natalie Portman, Sofia Vergara, and basically the entire cast of The Hills. To be honest, it’s the real deal. It’s based off the Lagree method, which uses an intense Megaformer machine (basically a Pilates reformer on steroids) to tone your muscles with resistance that changes based on the amount of springs you’re using during each move. Just know that you’ll definitely be lost during your first class, so you’ll need to go back two or three times to get the hang of it and actually get a good workout. Also, you probably won’t be able to laugh the next day because your abs will be crying, but maybe after a few times that part goes away? I personally haven’t gotten to that point yet, but fingers crossed.

 

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The Only VS Fashion Show 2017 Recap That Matters

Welcome back to the biggest hit on your self-esteem that comes around every year: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show! It’s always so exciting to watch 55 girls with a high school degree (and Karlie Kloss) subtly remind you that you ain’t shit.

Since this is the first time I’ve turned my TV to CBS since ‘Nam, I’ve decided to celebrate appropriately with buttered popcorn and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Let’s be judgmental and catty now, so we can go cry ourselves to sleep later, k?

THE SHOW

The show starts with an intro to China, because, you know, no one has ever heard of it. “With its rich history and beautiful architecture, only China can show the beauty of bedazzled underwear.” To the Chinese guy with braces who said “I’ve been dreaming of this for so many years,” — Congratulations. You know what they say, dream completely random shit like “have the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show come to my hometown,” and it just might come true.

TBH the VS Fashion show is the strongest show of international diplomacy we’ve seen since November 9th, 2016.

They introduce the musical guests, Leslie Odom Jr., Miguel, Harry Styles and some “international pop star” named Jane Zhang. And before you go calling me uncultured for not knowing her, I’ll have you know that I use the line “sing to me, Paolo” in everyday conversation.

Either way, this year is a low-key downgrade from previous musical years. Sorry, you were thinking it.

WALK #1: THE STAGES OF GOING TO PRIVATE SCHOOL

Candice is up first and if you don’t know these people, that’s a personal problem. She’s basically rocking a Catholic school uniform that is like, moderately more slutty than they usually are.

She’s followed by Martha, Josephine and Stella, which together sound like the group that plays bridge with my grandma every Friday. Seriously why do all of you have old people names? No Jenny in the group?

Karlie Kloss is rocking this Scottish Braveheart look. TBH she looks very Warped Tour circa 2006 to me. In fact, this entire collection does.

Karlie Kloss VS Fashion Shoq

The models walk down each side of the runway, meet in the middle and do a pose with each other, which you can tell is becoming a problem for some of them. Poor Stella looks like she might start vomiting when Martha tries to fist bump her.

Okay this whole pose-with-each-other thing is like, so annoying. We get it, you know each other. You all have matching pink shirts and are such a big, hot family. Yadda yadda.

The outfits switch up to more of a motorcycling look, which is officially the rebellious stage of a private school betch. I’ll be honest, some of the bras look wearable, but most of them look like the S&M team in the movie Dodgeball.

REAL PICTURE OF THE RUNWAY RN:

Dodgeball

VS designers: “I want the girls to be so covered in studs that if any man ever tries to touch them, they are instantly impaled and bleed out.” 2017 is the year of the women, I tell you.

WALK #2: MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SLUTTY EASTER

Cut to our first BTS look at the Angels, aka the part where they actually talk. You always think this part is going to be more interesting than the actual show, but it isn’t. Turns out models don’t talk for a reason. The models are watching their old walks and they’re like, “time stops when you’re walking the runway.” Yeah, I guess walking in a straight line is stressful, but have you ever had the pressure of stopping the microwave before it hits 0?

They are looking at old outfits and reminiscing on the days they all used to be friends with Taylor Swift.

Lily is like, “my first runway I was walking down to my husband’s music, so like, it was nice to know that if I fell I would still be rich after.”

Miguel is up next, but we’re all focused on Thigh-High BootGate that is happening backstage. Will someone fucking tie Taylor’s boot? I haven’t been this stressed since Donald Trump threatened nuclear war with North Korea. So like, yesterday.

This section is what your grandma’s china looks like in underwear form. Or like, every Easter tablecloth I have ever eaten on.

Miguel is fucking killing it out there. Def deserved that one Grammy nomination four years ago. He’s doing a better job of flirting with the angels as the they walk by, which brings me to my theory that Harry is nervous to scam on other girls in front of Kendall, who is obviously watching.

Miguel

All the girls are pretending to know a single word to his song and dancing around uncomfortably, which is also what I’m kind of doing too. Can you like, sing “Sure Thing”?

Here’s Bella Hadid holding it down for the entire Hadid family. This is your moment, Bella! All you had to do was keep your shit tight and wait until your sister was banned from a country for racial insensitivity it was your time to shine!

Bella Hadid

WALK #3: NO, THIS ISN’T A FUNERAL

Before the runway, Jasmine and Josephine go to practice Kung Fu, and no, I am not making this up. They walk in and they’re like “omg are you Jackie Chan?”

I’m sure this is what every fucking Sensei aims for—teaching a bunch of models how to punch the air. Even Kung-Fu Panda 2 was less of a dishonor.

Now they are in a “fight” and kicking aimlessly, while some dude just keeps going “very good” in the background. I’m really glad we wasted everybody’s time on this.

VS Fashion Show 2017

Like seriously, WTF is this? This feels like an ANTM challenge? Is Tyra Banks about to pop out and be like “KUNG FU—BUT MAKE IT FASHION!!!”

OMG they zoom in to Ming talking about how her whole family is in the audience. Because I stalk follow some of them on Instagram, I know what happens. I’m ready, I’m worried.

They’re announcing Leslie Odom Jr. like “the Hamilton hero is up next!!” He played Aaron Burr, who is the villain in the end, you uncultured swine.

Leslie Odom Jr. is trying to make me cry during a bra fashion show with this sad, slow song he’s singing. This is without a doubt the weirdest funeral I have ever been to.

Here they are: the snow angels, with a hint of Native American cultural appropriation. They’re all getting their pre-show prayers in, presumably asking God to give them the strength to walk in a straight line for a total of 30 seconds.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

Sadly, God hath forsaken Ming Xi, who totally eats shit on the runway after spending her entire backstage interview being like “Omg this is my hometown I can’t embarrass myself.”

VS Fashion Show Fall

^I would like to add that whoever made this gif was extremely forgiving. In reality it took like, a solid 30 seconds of her sitting on the ground, contemplating her life choices and next career move, and another model to help her up before she got back on her feet.

TBH it is pretty savage of the VS Fashion Show editors to keep this part in. Like, they could have cut it out like the time an Angel’s wing bitch-slapped Ariana Grande in the face but, nah, they needed the drama.

Ariana Grande VS Fashion Show

Now Ming Xi is sobbing and it’s like, sad but also you just walked in the VS Fashion Show, so how bad can I feel for you, really?

“You looked so beautiful at the end” is such a great backhanded compliment. Wouldn’t be surprised if she leaned in after that and whispered, “You blew it, bitch.”

Victoria's Secret Fashion SHow

Leslie is like “fall down 7 times get up 8” and the VS producers are like “NO. NO MORE FALLING.”

WALK #4: THE SECOND STRING

Now is the pink lineup, which is the JV team of VS Fashion Show. They do introductions of these girls, trying to pretend like they care. This is the section I can actually afford, so of course it’s the worst part.

Lily is like “I remember when I did Pink and now I make money.” #tbt

Jane Zhang is doing a full dance number on the runway, and the Pink girls are parading around in their inflatable wings and parkas, hoping one day they can pretend to interact with a singer on the runway that people actually know. Dream big, ladies. Somewhere backstage Leslie Odom Jr. is pulling off his cummerbund and texting his manager, “You told me this look worked!!!”

Some of these girls do really aggressive poses at the end, but I guess when you’re modeling sweatpants, you got a lot to be mad about.

VS Fashion Show

Pink is the only place ever that’s like “I know what’s sexy: mesh overalls” and “you should totally wear a matching backpack and baseball cap with that bra.”

WALK #5: BACK TO THE GOOD SHIT

You know what’s fun about this show? It’s probably the full length feature film Victoria’s Secret commercials in between. In case you forgot that you can buy this stuff. This shit is like, every basic bitch’s Super Bowl.

Next they talk about where the models are from, because like, culture.

Elsa is like “when you’re on the runway, you feel like you’re walking for your country.” Yeah, this is really the fucking Olympics out here.

Everyone is losing their shit about Alessandra Ambrosio, who will be walking her last runway before they set her out to sea.

All the models are giving speeches about how great an icon she is, with the subtext “but move over bitch, because you’re old as shit and I’m coming for you”

“Like Burning Man, but make it more ho,” is what I imagine the VS designers said while creating this line. It has feathers and tassels and all the other shit you see while attending any white-washed music festival or looking at any of the Kardashians’ Halloween costumes.

Alessandra’s last walk ever after like, 30 years of being an underwear model. I was getting my first set of braces tightened when she first started this gig. She takes time at the end of the walk to relay a very important message to the fans: I <3 U Forever.

Alessandra Ambrosio VS Fashion Show

Wow. What a timeless message. It’s been fun, boo. Now go be like, middle-aged now.

FINAL WALK

The models and the musical guests start talking about music and fashion and how they influence each other. Martha is like, “hip-hop came around in the 90’s and represented the streets.” Because no one knows the streets like good ol’ Martha.

Lais is wearing the two million-dollar fantasy bra that is coated in gold jewels. It’s actually the prettiest fantasy bra they have had in years. *puts on Amazon wishlist* Is that at select stores only?

VS Fantasy Bra

This walk is a full greek goddess theme, because nothing says “embracing the Chinese culture” like praising a European empire.

Bella Hadid looks hot AF per usual. Homegirl is gonna like, get it.

It’s honestly amazing how fucking hot some of these girls are with shaved heads. Like, wow, so inspiring. If I don’t have a full blanket of hair around me I become a British man. Good for you all.

The finale is lead by the girls you actually know and they all stand at the front of the stage, laughing and having a grand time knowing that they will undoubtedly cause millions of girls to go on a swift diet of carrots and air tomorrow.

VS Fashion Show 2017

So, this has been great. We should totally do it again next year. I’m going to go eat cheese dip and hate myself now. BYE.

A Timeline Of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad

Can we all just have a moment of silence for that time a couple months ago when Taylor Swift had disappeared from our lives? *Pause* Okay cool. Thx. Well those days are gone, and now, she’s everywhere again. Just add it to the list of reasons why 2017 will forever be on my shit list. Sure, some of the songs on Reputation are legit bangers, but like, all of the annoying, petty, “I’m the victim, exclude me from the narrative I fucking created” bullshit can go. And while I could literally reel off things about TSwift that piss me off for like, idk hours, one of the worst is her girl squad of frenemies that she tries to promote as “empowering women” but is actually just a super cliquey group of famous, rich, models/actresses/musicians. Sorry. Someone had to say it. But because who can even keep track of all these regulation hotties, we’re doing it for you. Here’s a break breakdown of who these betches are, how they met, notable BFF moments, and why they probs actually hate Taylor as much as we do.

1. Karlie Kloss

Profession: Model

How’d They Meet: In the most annoying way possible—Taylor said in a Vogue article that she loved Karlie Kloss and “wanted to bake cookies with her.” Then Karlie tweeted her asking, “Your kitchen or mine?”, and then they became friends. So essentially Karlie slid into Taylor’s DMs. Celebs—they’re just like us!

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: VS Fashion Shows, eating at vegetarian restaurants, 4th of July, California road trip, “Bad Blood” video

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: They are both super fucking tall, super fucking skinny, and super fucking awkward. There can only be one.

Karlie Kloss Taylor Swift

2. Selena Gomez

Profession: Singer/Actress

How’d They Meet: Just to paint a picture, I’m actually LOLing as I type this. They met when they were both dating 2/3 of the Jonas Brothers in 2008. For a time reference, I do believe that was when they still wore purity rings.

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: Award shows, being “normal,” surprise performances at each other’s shows, “Bad Blood” video

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: It’s no secret T isn’t a huge fan of the Biebs. And like, I don’t blame her here. He’s the fuckboy her BFF is on again and off again with. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism. Now that Bieber and Selena are “reportedly” hooking up again, TSwift is being weird about it, and Selena is def not having it.

Selena Gomez

3. Gigi Hadid

Profession: Model

How’d They Meet: Another friend, another bizarre meet-cute. Taylor Swift photobombed a pic of Karlie Kloss and Gigi Hadid at, wait for it, Harvey Weinstein’s Oscars party. Yeah, like the Hollywood sexual predator Harvey Weinstein. Damn, that reference did not stand the test of time.

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: VS Fashion Shows, surprise concert appearances, VMAs, watching TV

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: Like most things dealing with Taylor Swift, it has to do with boy drama. We all know Taylor dated Harry Styles and Gigi dates Zayn, and even though Z left One Direction a long time ago, T still feel likes things are a little too close for comfort. There’s also tension because T’s other BFF Selena started dating The Weeknd approximately 1.25 seconds after Gigi’s sister, Bella, and him broke up. To quote Kristin Cavallari, drama, drama, dramaaaa.

Gigi Hadid

4. Kendall Jenner

Profession: Model/Member of the Kardashian-Jenner crew

How’d They Meet: I spent as much time looking for this as I could without getting fired. I’m sure it has something to do with both of them literally only hanging out with models.

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: VS Fashion shows, award shows, surprise concert appearances

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: Well this is fucking easy. Because of the whole Kimye-TSwift feud. Obvi. Oh, and they both dated Harry Styles.

Kendall Jenner

5. Katy Perry

Profession: Singer

How’d They Meet: The first time these two were spotted together was at the 2008 VMAs with Miley Cyrus. I really hope someone somewhere put that pic in a time capsule.

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: Award shows, Twitter shout-outs, surprise concert appearances

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: No “probs” needed here. These two fucking despise each other. It started because one of them stole the other one’s backup dancers, which apparently, is the pop star equivalent of murdering someone’s dog, because neither one has ever let it go.

Katy Perry

6. Blake Lively

Profession: Actress

How’d They Meet: Similar to the Taylor and Karlie story, Blake and Tay became friends online. Like Blake tweeted that she liked Taylor, and then they magically started hanging out. You can’t make this shit up.

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: 4th of July, hanging with kangaroos in Australia

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: I bet one time Ryan Reynolds looked at her longingly, and it made Taylor fall in love. But he was actually looking past her at Blake. So now Taylor is sad. She’s gonna write a song about it.

Blake

7. Lena Dunham

Profession: Actress

How’d They Meet: I can’t believe I’m writing this again. But Twitter. Yes, Taylor Swift made another friend on Twitter. Lena tweeted that she likes Taylor’s album, and therefore, Taylor recruited her to be friends. Tale as old as time.

Notable #GirlSquad Moments: Surprise concert appearances, “Bad Blood” video

Why They Probs Actually Hate Each Other: Lena probs resents being the DUFF of the group.

Taylor Swift Friends

^^never forget