Welcome back to the biggest hit on your self-esteem that comes around every year: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show! It’s always so exciting to watch 55 girls with a high school degree (and Karlie Kloss) subtly remind you that you ain’t shit.
Since this is the first time I’ve turned my TV to CBS since ‘Nam, I’ve decided to celebrate appropriately with buttered popcorn and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Let’s be judgmental and catty now, so we can go cry ourselves to sleep later, k?
The show starts with an intro to China, because, you know, no one has ever heard of it. “With its rich history and beautiful architecture, only China can show the beauty of bedazzled underwear.” To the Chinese guy with braces who said “I’ve been dreaming of this for so many years,” — Congratulations. You know what they say, dream completely random shit like “have the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show come to my hometown,” and it just might come true.
TBH the VS Fashion show is the strongest show of international diplomacy we’ve seen since November 9th, 2016.
They introduce the musical guests, Leslie Odom Jr., Miguel, Harry Styles and some “international pop star” named Jane Zhang. And before you go calling me uncultured for not knowing her, I’ll have you know that I use the line “sing to me, Paolo” in everyday conversation.
Either way, this year is a low-key downgrade from previous musical years. Sorry, you were thinking it.
WALK #1: THE STAGES OF GOING TO PRIVATE SCHOOL
Candice is up first and if you don’t know these people, that’s a personal problem. She’s basically rocking a Catholic school uniform that is like, moderately more slutty than they usually are.
She’s followed by Martha, Josephine and Stella, which together sound like the group that plays bridge with my grandma every Friday. Seriously why do all of you have old people names? No Jenny in the group?
Karlie Kloss is rocking this Scottish Braveheart look. TBH she looks very Warped Tour circa 2006 to me. In fact, this entire collection does.
The models walk down each side of the runway, meet in the middle and do a pose with each other, which you can tell is becoming a problem for some of them. Poor Stella looks like she might start vomiting when Martha tries to fist bump her.
Okay this whole pose-with-each-other thing is like, so annoying. We get it, you know each other. You all have matching pink shirts and are such a big, hot family. Yadda yadda.
The outfits switch up to more of a motorcycling look, which is officially the rebellious stage of a private school betch. I’ll be honest, some of the bras look wearable, but most of them look like the S&M team in the movie Dodgeball.
REAL PICTURE OF THE RUNWAY RN:
VS designers: “I want the girls to be so covered in studs that if any man ever tries to touch them, they are instantly impaled and bleed out.” 2017 is the year of the women, I tell you.
WALK #2: MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SLUTTY EASTER
Cut to our first BTS look at the Angels, aka the part where they actually talk. You always think this part is going to be more interesting than the actual show, but it isn’t. Turns out models don’t talk for a reason. The models are watching their old walks and they’re like, “time stops when you’re walking the runway.” Yeah, I guess walking in a straight line is stressful, but have you ever had the pressure of stopping the microwave before it hits 0?
They are looking at old outfits and reminiscing on the days they all used to be friends with Taylor Swift.
Lily is like, “my first runway I was walking down to my husband’s music, so like, it was nice to know that if I fell I would still be rich after.”
Miguel is up next, but we’re all focused on Thigh-High BootGate that is happening backstage. Will someone fucking tie Taylor’s boot? I haven’t been this stressed since Donald Trump threatened nuclear war with North Korea. So like, yesterday.
This section is what your grandma’s china looks like in underwear form. Or like, every Easter tablecloth I have ever eaten on.
Miguel is fucking killing it out there. Def deserved that one Grammy nomination four years ago. He’s doing a better job of flirting with the angels as the they walk by, which brings me to my theory that Harry is nervous to scam on other girls in front of Kendall, who is obviously watching.
All the girls are pretending to know a single word to his song and dancing around uncomfortably, which is also what I’m kind of doing too. Can you like, sing “Sure Thing”?
Here’s Bella Hadid holding it down for the entire Hadid family. This is your moment, Bella! All you had to do was keep your shit tight and wait until your sister was banned from a country for racial insensitivity it was your time to shine!
WALK #3: NO, THIS ISN’T A FUNERAL
Before the runway, Jasmine and Josephine go to practice Kung Fu, and no, I am not making this up. They walk in and they’re like “omg are you Jackie Chan?”
I’m sure this is what every fucking Sensei aims for—teaching a bunch of models how to punch the air. Even Kung-Fu Panda 2 was less of a dishonor.
Now they are in a “fight” and kicking aimlessly, while some dude just keeps going “very good” in the background. I’m really glad we wasted everybody’s time on this.
Like seriously, WTF is this? This feels like an ANTM challenge? Is Tyra Banks about to pop out and be like “KUNG FU—BUT MAKE IT FASHION!!!”
OMG they zoom in to Ming talking about how her whole family is in the audience. Because I stalk follow some of them on Instagram, I know what happens. I’m ready, I’m worried.
They’re announcing Leslie Odom Jr. like “the Hamilton hero is up next!!” He played Aaron Burr, who is the villain in the end, you uncultured swine.
Leslie Odom Jr. is trying to make me cry during a bra fashion show with this sad, slow song he’s singing. This is without a doubt the weirdest funeral I have ever been to.
Here they are: the snow angels, with a hint of Native American cultural appropriation. They’re all getting their pre-show prayers in, presumably asking God to give them the strength to walk in a straight line for a total of 30 seconds.
Sadly, God hath forsaken Ming Xi, who totally eats shit on the runway after spending her entire backstage interview being like “Omg this is my hometown I can’t embarrass myself.”
^I would like to add that whoever made this gif was extremely forgiving. In reality it took like, a solid 30 seconds of her sitting on the ground, contemplating her life choices and next career move, and another model to help her up before she got back on her feet.
TBH it is pretty savage of the VS Fashion Show editors to keep this part in. Like, they could have cut it out like the time an Angel’s wing bitch-slapped Ariana Grande in the face but, nah, they needed the drama.
Now Ming Xi is sobbing and it’s like, sad but also you just walked in the VS Fashion Show, so how bad can I feel for you, really?
“You looked so beautiful at the end” is such a great backhanded compliment. Wouldn’t be surprised if she leaned in after that and whispered, “You blew it, bitch.”
Leslie is like “fall down 7 times get up 8” and the VS producers are like “NO. NO MORE FALLING.”
WALK #4: THE SECOND STRING
Now is the pink lineup, which is the JV team of VS Fashion Show. They do introductions of these girls, trying to pretend like they care. This is the section I can actually afford, so of course it’s the worst part.
Lily is like “I remember when I did Pink and now I make money.” #tbt
Jane Zhang is doing a full dance number on the runway, and the Pink girls are parading around in their inflatable wings and parkas, hoping one day they can pretend to interact with a singer on the runway that people actually know. Dream big, ladies. Somewhere backstage Leslie Odom Jr. is pulling off his cummerbund and texting his manager, “You told me this look worked!!!”
Some of these girls do really aggressive poses at the end, but I guess when you’re modeling sweatpants, you got a lot to be mad about.
Pink is the only place ever that’s like “I know what’s sexy: mesh overalls” and “you should totally wear a matching backpack and baseball cap with that bra.”
WALK #5: BACK TO THE GOOD SHIT
You know what’s fun about this show? It’s probably the full length feature film Victoria’s Secret commercials in between. In case you forgot that you can buy this stuff. This shit is like, every basic bitch’s Super Bowl.
Next they talk about where the models are from, because like, culture.
Elsa is like “when you’re on the runway, you feel like you’re walking for your country.” Yeah, this is really the fucking Olympics out here.
Everyone is losing their shit about Alessandra Ambrosio, who will be walking her last runway before they set her out to sea.
All the models are giving speeches about how great an icon she is, with the subtext “but move over bitch, because you’re old as shit and I’m coming for you”
“Like Burning Man, but make it more ho,” is what I imagine the VS designers said while creating this line. It has feathers and tassels and all the other shit you see while attending any white-washed music festival or looking at any of the Kardashians’ Halloween costumes.
Alessandra’s last walk ever after like, 30 years of being an underwear model. I was getting my first set of braces tightened when she first started this gig. She takes time at the end of the walk to relay a very important message to the fans: I <3 U Forever.
Wow. What a timeless message. It’s been fun, boo. Now go be like, middle-aged now.
The models and the musical guests start talking about music and fashion and how they influence each other. Martha is like, “hip-hop came around in the 90’s and represented the streets.” Because no one knows the streets like good ol’ Martha.
Lais is wearing the two million-dollar fantasy bra that is coated in gold jewels. It’s actually the prettiest fantasy bra they have had in years. *puts on Amazon wishlist* Is that at select stores only?
This walk is a full greek goddess theme, because nothing says “embracing the Chinese culture” like praising a European empire.
Bella Hadid looks hot AF per usual. Homegirl is gonna like, get it.
It’s honestly amazing how fucking hot some of these girls are with shaved heads. Like, wow, so inspiring. If I don’t have a full blanket of hair around me I become a British man. Good for you all.
The finale is lead by the girls you actually know and they all stand at the front of the stage, laughing and having a grand time knowing that they will undoubtedly cause millions of girls to go on a swift diet of carrots and air tomorrow.
So, this has been great. We should totally do it again next year. I’m going to go eat cheese dip and hate myself now. BYE.