You know the saying “work hard, play hard”? Well nothing works harder than your skin when you play hard spend Friday through Sunday treating your body like the back alley of a P.F. Chang’s. Lol we’re so random. That’s right, it’s all fun and games until you wake up on Monday after two days of living in a hedonistic hell of your own making with what I fondly refer to as Retribution Hangover Face. Hangover Face, for those of you virgins who can’t drive, is the face of someone who said “I’m not really drinking tonight” and then only drank Fireball. It’s the face of someone who woke up in their makeup from the night before with a half-eaten pizza crust in their bra, and skin that’s tired, pale, puffy AF, and soooo dehydrated, which now that I look back on it could be the subtitle of my memoir. Whatever. Moving on. Fear not, betches, because there’s actually a way to save you from yourself that doesn’t involve, like, changing your life choices (but does include a bomb moisturizer). Bless up. So here’s how you can fix your skin after a weekend of being yourself. You’re so welcome.

Moisturize The Shit Out Of Your Skin

When you’re trying to cure Hangover Face, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of moisturizing. Your skin is probably thirstier than the drunk Snap you sent your ex last night and it’s begging you to actually, like, take care of yourself. Ugh. Luckily for you betches, Philosophy just turned their v popular, best-in-the-game Purity Made Simple Face Mask into a moisturizer. Blessings. Listen up, because the Purity Made Simple Moisturizer might be the only reason you’re able to leave your house today without looking like the inside wrapper of a McGriddle. Made with chia seed oil, meadowfoam seed oil, a green tea antioxidant complex, and vitamins C and E, the Purity Made Simple moisturizer is super lightweight and designed to make you look, like, really pretty. Not only does it hydrate your skin like crazy, but it also does some other pretty amazing stuff like help skin look radiant, dewy, and smooth with less visible pores in as little as three days (aka just in time for your next happy hour). Also, (most importantly tbh), it can make your skin look young and healthy like the skin you were born with. I personally haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep since I was in the womb, so this is a blessing. Think of the person you were before you discovered late night pizza and drunk dialing your ex. Praise be.

Try To Get Out Of Bed

I think it’s good to set actual achievable goals for yourself, and since the bar could not be set any lower for my goals, I’m hitting you with this piece of inspiring advice: try getting out of bed. Groundbreaking, I know. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself there, whether it’s bribing yourself with coffee and greasy breakfast food or moving your charger to the opposite side of the room so you’ll either be forced to leave your bed or watch your iPhone’s battery—and your will to live—slowly drain to nothing. I literally could not care less. Just getting up and moving around will get your blood pumping and, hopefully, circulate some color back into your pale AF face (which, trust me, you really need rn).

Keep Drinking

WATER, you psychopaths. Jesus. Seriously, put down the mimosa for five freaking seconds and try and reintroduce water into your system. Some people might say that some hair of the dog is what’s going to make you look and feel less like a human trash bag, but those people haven’t looked at the state of your skin this morning. Not only will drinking water hydrate you and your skin, but it’ll also reduce some of the inflammation that’s making you look puffy AF. So start chugging, betches. Bottoms up!

If you don’t already own Philosophy’s Purity Made Simple moisturizer, you can just add “going to Sephora to pick up a tube” to your “getting out of bed” item on the to-do list. Or you could just grab some online, but tbh, I’m not sure if your corpse-like skin can wait 3-5 business days.

Sponsored by Philosophy

Images: Philosophy; Shutterstock; Giphy

Sure, it’s the new year, and sure, according to society’s standards you should be giving up all that is good and holy things in this world (vodka sodas, white wine, emotionally abusing your friends and family), but unless you need actual professional help (watch an episode of Intervention and compare yourself with that if you’re unclear), I say fuck that standard. What you need to do instead is be proactive, not reactive. As in, plan ahead, so you can hide your alcohol problem like you’ve been doing all along, but just better. How you ask? With the following hangover beauty products.

1. Skyn Iceland’s Skin Hangover Kit, $25

A shit ton of travel size, beauty hangover cures that are perfect to stash in your purse on the way out the door. Toning mist, eye cream, a cooling moisturizer. There’s literally nothing else you’ll need the morning after, except for like, an Uber so you can GTFO. 

2. Toxic Twins One Night Detox, $27

You apply these “sap sheets” to the soles of your feet at night (fucking weird, but never say never) , and apparently they get rid of toxins. No word on whether or not they extract hatred from your soul, but would be willing to start a Kickstarter for that product.

3. Rodial Super Acids X-Treme Hangover Mask, $56

Unfortunately, this product doesn’t include LSD. It is definitely X-Treme though.

4. Daily Wonders What Happened Last Night? Revitalizing Mask, $4

Seriously, tf happened????

5. Belif First Aid Anti-Hangover Soothing Mask

Put it on right before bed (which should be a fun journey, post vodka) and wake up to a not puffy face.

6. Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer

A primer that’s said to hydrate, smooth, brighten, and erase all of last night’s mistakes. Godspeed!

As a soon-to-be 26-year-old, definitely the worst part about being on the wrong side of 25 has got to be that I’m about to lose my health insurance my hangovers are debilitating. I’m talking about a full 72-hour affair. First, there’s the general hangover that comes with all the nausea, headaches, fatigue, and praying for the sweet release of death. Then the next day I’m still congested af and sneezing up what I assume are the remnants of my terrible life choices, and on top of that I’m still tired. THEN, I’m still tired for a good day after that, just in time for the weekend to roll around and for me to start drinking again. What’s a borderline alcoholic girl to do? Thankfully, science and frat bros with their parents’ money entrepreneurs have got our back. I’ve tried just about every hangover cure there is, aside from abstaining from alcohol, so I’m going to tell you about the best ones.

1. Morning Recovery

This stuff comes in a tiny bottle that’s only a little bigger than your average container of 5-Hour Energy, which is good for people like me who don’t enjoy swallowing massive amounts of liquid. (And I wonder why I’m single.) It’s basically got a bunch of chemical compounds that are supposed to boost your body’s natural response to alcohol—shit like milk thistle, prickly pear, and something called DHM that sounds like the main ingredients of a capsule I ingested this weekend at EZoo. You’re supposed to go out and do what you normally would do, come home and drink Morning Recovery, and then enjoy your next day hangover-free. However, because I’m a delinquent, I drank this shit while I was pregaming (which they say you can also do), and I think the effects were still the same. I went to EZoo, drank copious amounts of Heineken and tequila, and still woke up hangover-free, even without the initial headache and residual nausea I usually get from my typical two glasses of wine at happy hour. As an extra bonus, Morning Recovery is giving Betches readers a discount if you use the code BETCHES10 at checkout!

2. Mentis

I ordered this shit off GoFundMe because I’m forever chasing a way to avoid consequences for my actions. Sue me. Mentis is similar to Morning Recovery in that it contains a bunch of ingredients I can’t pronounce and don’t care to understand, and it basically has a lot of supplements and shit to help your body repair itself. It comes in a little packet much like your regular Emergen-C and you pour it into water and drink the water. The main difference here is, you NEED to take it BEFORE you start drinking. Seems easy enough unless you’re me and start drinking at 3pm most days and don’t bring your Mentis to brunch. Oh well. I tried this, and I also felt like I avoided a hangover which was pretty impressive considering I mixed a lot of types of alcohol and had a tequila soda at like, 1:30am because I’m a psychopath with no regard for my own life. The only downside to this stuff is that while the peach flavor is good, this shit is chalky as hell. It was v hard to choke down the whole glass. But I’d take that over being immobile and marathoning five straight hours of Parks and Rec on a gorgeous 80-degree Sunday any day.

3. Eat A Burger

I’ve only recently discovered that eating a burger before I go out drinking will save me from a debilitating hangover the next day. And science backs me up on this, so stay with me here. The protein from the meat has amino acids and B vitamins that help you process the undesirable byproducts of alcohol, and eating a meal that consists of carbs, fat, and protein helps you metabolize the alcohol. You might feel bloated and disgusting, but science didn’t tell you to order the side of fries over the salad, so it sounds like this is a personal problem.

4. Take An Advil

Even if you don’t have a headache, it’s not a bad idea to take an ibuprofen before bed to reduce inflammation caused by alcohol. Plus, that extra sip of water required for you to swallow the pill probably doesn’t hurt either. However, you need to make sure that you’re taking ibuprofen and NOT acetaminophen. I always get the two confused and used to take them interchangeably until my friend yelled at me, because it’s a TERRIBLE idea. Drinking on acetaminophen (and even taking it the day after drinking) can lead to liver damage, which is precisely the organ you want to protect if you want alcohol to remain a part of your life. Just so you remember, acetaminophen is Tylenol and ibuprofen is Advil. Bookmark this page for later; you’re welcome.

5. Don’t Black Out

Apologies for sounding like a MADD presentation, but in my (very extensive) experience the only way to guarantee I don’t have a terrible hangover is to not black out. Once I experience memory loss, I’m fucked. Obviously there’s no science to speak to this because scientists are lame and can’t hang, but like, this would be my personal recommendation to you. Get wasted, just don’t black out, and maybe there’s a shred of hope for you and all the errands you have to run tomorrow.

6. Drink A Ton Of Water

Groundbreaking, I know. But the best way to prevent AND cure your hangover is to drink a ton of water. Alternate water in between your drinks. Drink water before you go to bed. Then, the next day, drink water every time you think you’re hungry. (Spoiler alert: You’re probably just thirsty.) And luckily for you, our best-selling water bottles are back in stock! These stainless steel water bottles will keep your water (or other beverages… we won’t tell) cool so you don’t vom when you take a big sip. They’re Champagne in color and say “Not Not Hungover”…just like you. They’re back in stock so buy them here!

You wake up, slowly. Open one eye and survey last night’s damage. Pounding headache. Nausea. A cut on your right kneecap, when the fuck did that happen? Face and pillowcase full of smeared makeup. Oops, one shoe still on. At least you’re in your own bed, although you can’t quite remember getting home. Pretty standard Saturday and/or Sunday morning.

Every self-respecting betch has figured out her signature hangover cure by now. Some have their scrambled eggs down to an art form. Others head straight to brunch and re-tox on mimosas and Bloody Marys. Russian betches eat pickles. Stoner betches light up.   

You’re all doing it wrong.

My nutritionist (yes, I have a nutritionist, get over it) has imparted such wisdom that we should probably turn her clinic into some kind of altar. Betches all around the world will embark on pilgrimages to worship at her desk.

The best way to kill a hangover is to eat a salad.

How is this possible, you may ask. Why are all the brunch places serving up aesthetically-pleasing eggs and carbs when our hangovers could all be broken by a bowl of leafy greens? Answer: Because they’re fucking dumb too.

It actually makes sense if you think about it. Vegetables are packed full of water. Water is what your poor abused body needs. Chop up some lettuce or baby spinach or whatever and mix with any and all vegetables you have in the fridge. Bonus if it’s cucumber and celery which are like 80 percent water. Add healthy fats such as avocado and olive oil to help with the “healing process”—yes, she actually called it that.

You also get the bonus of not feeling like a cow after consuming several thousand alcohol calories and a heavy brunch in the same 24 hours.

I was skeptical too, betches. But trust me. This shit actually works. You’re welcome.

Oh boy. When we go out, we obviously go fucking hard. Like, what’s the point if you aren’t going to take shots, dance like an animal, and make irresponsible decisions? Unfortunately, when we DO go out and act completely like assholes for the evening, we feel even worse the next morning. In college we managed to avoid hangovers and drink 4-5 days in a row. Who knew we were basically superheroes? Nowadays, hangovers stop us from going hard more than like, 2-3 nights, tops—and even the mildest of hangovers requires a minimum of 48 hours recovery time. But what if I told you that there were specific DRINKS you could order that would get you fucked up BUT result in a not-so-bad or barely there hangover? The legends are true.

1. Vodka

Number one on every list for avoiding hangovers is our good Russian friend, vodka. Because it’s about 40% alcohol mixed with water with very little else (like coloring, preservatives, etc.) mixed in, hangovers are less common when you’re knocking this shit back. So, yes, continue ordering those vodka sodas for the foreseeable future.

2. Gin

Because it’s low in extra stuff added in, gin is a great option if you’re a psychopath AND want to experience a headache-free morning. Mix with a little tonic and lime for a low-cal drink that can still pack a punch.

3. Clear Liquors

As we’ve concluded with our extensive evidence on gin and vodka, really any clear alcohol (NOT BROWN) will enable you to actually attend brunch the next day without vomming on the table. Methanol is found in brown liquors and it stays in your bod loooong after the spins have subsided, making your hangover fucking unbearable.

4. Skip Anything Carbonated

Champagne, Four Lokos (what are you, 17 years old?), and you Red Bull vodkas aren’t helping your next day struggle. Basically, anything carbonated increases your rate of alcohol absorption. Which, like, is awesome while you’re drinking, but not so awesome the next morning.

5. Light Beer

Yah, it kind of makes you look like a narc, but if you insist on drinking beer at the bar then stick with the light stuff. The same rule applies with beer as with liquor—the clearer or less dark it is, the less terrible your hangover shall be.

6. White Wine

If, for some reason, wine is your jam at the bar and you’ve been seen toting around a wine glass while fist pumping and grinding on strangers (we see you, Rihanna), keeping it to the white variety can at least help your hangover the next day (no word on your dignity). Red wine has histamines that can actually make people who experience allergies feel fucking horrible the next day.

So like, in conclusion, the less you use sugary drinks and mixers, the better. The more sugar something contains, the worse your hangover will be. Stick with mixing soda water, seltzer, or just going with straight on the rocks for sippin’. Also, whiskey and dark liquors are NOTORIOUS for horrible hangovers, so skip the Jack and Coke.

May the odds be ever in your favor. 

Getting wasted on a Saturday night should be the least complicated part of your life, and yet you always feel like shit afterwards, which kinda ruins the vibe of the whole next week. Whether you completely forgot to eat beforehand or you literally scarfed down an order of garlic bread two seconds before the pregame, you’ve never really nailed down the eating part of the night. In order to black out successfully without spending the next morning with your head in the toilet, you’ll need to eat something substantial before, but not anything so heavy that it would prevent you from getting drunk. Here are some of the ideal pre-drinking foods.

1. Avocado Toast

Ever wonder why it’s so damn hard to make it from your Uber to the inside of the club when you’re in heels? It’s literally like your legs literally forgot how to move and you forgot how to stand up straight. That’s because when you drink a ton of alcohol, the potassium in your body gets depleted, which can lead to dizziness and weakness in your muscles. In order to counteract that, you’ll need the B6 vitamins and healthy fats found in avocados, which is why avocado toast is perfect to eat before drinking. Plus, the bread component helps give your body some carbs so you don’t pass out after three tequila shots on an empty stomach. Just try to stick with whole wheat bread or something with fiber. It’s 2017, are you seriously still eating white bread?

2. Pita Chips & Hummus

Hummus is an underrated lifesaver when it comes to preventing hangovers. Just like avocados, chickpeas are super high in B6 vitamins, which have been proven to prevent hangovers. Chickpeas also have fiber in them, so they’ll keep you full enough to not (completely) pig out at a random diner at 3am. In terms of what to dip, raw veggies are obviously a healthier option than pita chips, but they might be hard on the stomach and make you nauseous later on. We’re not telling you to devour an entire bag of Stacy’s chips before you even put your skinny jeans on for the night, but a few chips with hummus won’t hurt, and it’s a good pregame snack anyway. 

3. Asparagus

Asparagus may not be your go-to vegetable on a Saturday night, or on any night for that matter, but it turns out asparagus is filled with amino acids and minerals that help protect your liver once you start drinking. Apparently, when you eat asparagus before taking shots, its nutrients protect your liver cells from alcohol toxins, which will prevent you from being super hungover in the morning. To make them edible, sprinkle a little olive oil over them with some salt and pepper and pop them in the oven for 45 minutes. We’re asking you to be a LITTLE less lazy, but you’ll thank us when you wake up tomorrow feeling somewhat functional.

4. An Omelet

A little breakfast for dinner never killed anyone, but no, we’re not asking you to rehash waffle and pancake night from your sorority house. Omelets are obviously healthy and pretty filling, and they’re actually really good to eat before going out. The egg whites have protein in them, which will keep you full throughout the night without making you bloated or nauseous. Plus, the yolks are filled with calcium, vitamin D, and acetylcholine, which helps your brain function when you’re eight shots deep and can’t find your friends. Add a few vegetables to the pan and you’re basically Julia Child, minus the shit ton of butter, obviously.

5. Pickles Or Olives

I know this is a weird trick, but it actually works, so it’s worth a shot. You’ve probably never wanted to snack on these foods before going out, but the sodium in pickles and olives help ward off hangovers because they automatically replenish the body with electrolytes. Usually we’re not into eating a ton of sodium before drinking because it could cause bloating, but by snacking on some pickles or olives before you go out, you’ll have enough sodium in your body to stay skinny while preventing a hangover. It also happens to be super convenient that most bars have a jar of olives for martinis. Just in case you reaaally didn’t have time before.

6. Salmon

If you’re out to dinner before a night out and you’re not sure what to order, the grilled salmon is always a good bet. Aside from the fact that salmon is filled with protein and healthy fats, it has a shit ton of B-12 vitamins, which usually get depleted in your body when you drink alcohol. B-12 has a huge effect on metabolism, mood, and blood sugar levels, so you don’t wanna start screwing with it. By eating salmon before drinking, you’re filling your body with vitamins that will help you recover tomorrow morning when you’re lying in bed regretting every second of your Snapchat story. Instead of feeling your usual Sunday morning combo of regret and nausea, you’ll just be a little less nauseous. It’s a small win, but we’ll take it.

It’s a given that there’s a huge difference in your alcohol tolerance and the severity of your hangover since you first started stealing from your parent’s liquor stash. As a teen, your liver was a champ, making you feel invincible the next morning. Fast forward to being 20-something, and you’re probs black out after like, one shot. The idea of opening your eyes the next day seems unthinkable unless you have an IV of water injected into your bloodstream. I wish this was an exaggeration but, I know this is def the story of your life because like, same. That fourth shot of Fireball always sounds like a phenom’ idea until you’re hating yourself after waking up next to cold pizza in last night’s outfit and forgetting every Snapchat you sent to your Tinder guy. What’s worse is rebelliously drinking on a weekday because karma is a bitch the next day, you still have to go to fucking work. Although you don’t have the capability and energy to do a full face of makeup when you’re hungover AF, there’s no way you’re leaving the house with it. Here’s how to look like a rockstar just by doing the bare minimum so you can be appear like a functioning member of society.

Water, Advil, And Primer (In That Order)

In order to even get out of bed, you’re going to need to chug a shit ton of water because your brain needs it more than you rn. Pop a couple of Advils and let’s just focus on getting through the day without voming on everyone who crosses your path. Now that you’re standing in front of the mirror and trying not to make eye contact with your own reflection, you’re going to need to start with the Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer. Since Too Faced just gets us, this primer is literally made to repair our face from alcohol’s damage. Infused with coconut water, the primer will restore your skin’s shine and hydration so you don’t feel and look like paper mâché.

Use Under-Eye Concealer

You’re ready to begin looking like the upstanding citizen you are. It’s like we just know you or something because luckily, we’ve already compiled the best under-eye concealers that cost less than the organic salad you eat for lunch everyday. Pick your choice and use generously so you don’t look like you’ve aged 20 years overnight. Seriously, use it or you’ll probs look like this:

Rub A BB Cream All Over

We want to skip any powder-based makeup because you don’t want your skin to dry out more than it already has. The Diorskin Nude BB Creme is just what you need for minimal coverage that hydrates and covers any blemishes you got overnight since you def passed out with your makeup on (again). Find the shade that’s right for your skin tone, because discoloration is not cute, and apply to areas that need the most TLC. Blend with a liquid foundation brush instead of your finger to ensure your bullshit of a makeup job doesn’t look worse than what we started with.

Get A Contour Stick

To keep it quick and easy, lightly contour using the v convenient Wander Beauty On-The-Glow Bronzer and Illuminator. The nausea isn’t going to disappear right away but you can at least fix how pale you look. Assuming you know how to contour only because I don’t feel like explaining tbh, use the matte bronzer that’s best for your skin tone in the hollow of your cheekbones, on your forehead, and sides of your nose. This will restore some of your natural glow. Finish with the attached highlighter on the areas that always seem to get oily first—the center of your forehead, bridge of your nose, chin, and upper cheeks. Blend seamlessly using a beautyblender. Common sense, right? By this point, you should start looking like a person again.

Swipe Some Eyeshadow And Layer Up On Mascara

Hide last night’s smokey eye with just a tad of eyeshadow. Find a color that’s neutral or nude so that it comes off as natural-looking instead of clownlike. You’ll want to line your inner eye with the same color so you look ten times more awake than you really feel. Then layer on the best mascara ever, bareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara, for long volumized lashes. Without mascara, none of this is really worth it, so apply as many coats as you need to feel functional.

Lastly, all you need is some chapstick and your fave nude lip gloss before heading out the door. Don’t forget to wear sunglasses all day, even inside is somewhat acceptable for obvious reasons, and everyone will know not to speak to you. This was fun, though so, while you telling yourself that you’re never drinking again, until next time this weekend, betch.

READ: The Best Workouts To Do If You’re Hungover