New year, same hangover. If you’re reading this, you’re most likely on your couch, staring longingly at the sink, desperate for water. Your makeup is still half-on from last night (your clothes half-off), and a half-eaten slice of drunk pizza is laying on the floor next to you. Basically, you’re only half-alive at this point. Your hangover has taken over and you are seriously regretting every decision you made leading up to this point, aka that last round of tequila shots chased by Fireball: innovative in the moment, highly regrettable now. You were on top of the world last night, but you’re on the floor today. Before you lose all hope and pledge to never drink again (because we all know you’re lying) allow me to restore your faith in the world. Seriously, take a break from re-watching your own Insta story for the 10th time and get ready to refresh your hangover.
I get it, your mouth’s as dry as the Sahara Desert and you’re completely depleted of all essential electrolytes. You know you need to drink something, but what you choose to drink can be key in alleviating the effects of your killer hangover. While hydrating yourself is important, you want to get the right liquids into your system. I know Chad from Kappa Kappa Whatever once told you that “You can’t get hungover if you never stop drinking!” but that sage advice doesn’t sound very appealing when even the thought of alcohol makes you want to crawl into a freshly dug grave.
While coffee may sound like the perfect way to perk up your barren soul, caffeine is actually a diuretic and a Venti size coffee can end up increasing your current state of dehydration, which in turn will increase your current state of misery. Instead reach for one of the 20 half-drank water bottles sitting on your nightstand. If you are one of those
psychopaths people who “don’t like water”, you can also go for coconut water for a healthy source of electrolytes to rehydrate you after a night of dancing on tables and drunkenly petitioning MTV to bring back The Real World.
If you’re feeling nauseous, pretend to be British and pour yourself some fresh ginger tea. Your bad accent will amuse you and the ginger tea will rehydrate you and settle your stomach. Pedialyte is another great way to replenish your electrolyte levels and rehydrate, without consuming high amounts of sugar. Plus this way, the cashier at Target might think you have a sick baby at home, versus the look of shame when grabbing a sugar-packed sports drinks, like Gatorade, which screams hangover. So really it’s a win-win.
Breakfast Of Hungover Champions
You need food, especially if you dispelled your late-night snacks in the backseat of your Uber on the way home. Similar to hydrating yourself properly, being strategic with your breakfast can also aide in the hangover relief. So wander on over to your local greasy spoon, aka the Starbucks on the corner, and order yourself some egg bites. Eggs are rich in the amino acid cysteine, which your liver needs in order to break down the alcohol toxin acetaldehyde.
And what’s eggs without a little Sriracha? Channel your inner Beyoncé, and grab the hot sauce out of your bag. Eating something spicy can help you beat your hangover. There’s a compound in capsaicin, which is a key ingredient in most spicy foods, called substance P. Substance P contains anti-inflammatory properties, and is also used in chronic pain management, which is often how I refer to my hangovers.
First off, there is no shame in seeking relief from some classic over-the-counter meds. You hear, that douchey all-natural “my body is a temple” ex-boyfriend? Taking a pain reliever can help reduce the severity of your hangover, which in turn will make you appear less like a creature straight out of The Lord of the Rings. Even if you don’t have a headache, taking an ibuprofen can help. That’s because inflammation in your brain can cause a majority of classic hangover symptoms, like nausea, so taking an anti-inflammatory can help make your morning after all the more bearable.
However, not all pain relievers are created equal. Different medications are processed through different organs in the body. Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is broken down and metabolized almost entirely by your liver. Considering the reason that you are lying in a pool of pain and despair is because you put your liver through hell the night before, giving it more drugs to process is not the way to go. Your liver is stressed out enough, so be kind to your organs and opt for ibuprofen (Advil) instead, which is processed mainly through your kidneys. Your liver will thank you.
Get Up And Get Moving
Okay, I get it. You would rather accidentally like your ex’s new girlfriend’s 3-month-old Instagram post than crawl out of your blanket fort. But, doing light exercise, like walking to the fridge, strolling to the mailbox, or striking a warrior pose and then dubbing yourself a yogi guru, can help boost your body’s metabolism. Partaking in some basic movement gets your blood circulating at a faster rate than when you’re sitting. The faster you circulate blood through your liver, the faster your body will remove the toxins, thus the faster you’ll come back to life.
Okay, so go throw on your oversized pair of sunglasses and get your ass to brunch. Get up and get moving, order yourself a coconut water, some eggs benedict, and get the phone number of that super-hot waiter you’re staring at. Your body will bounce back just in time for you to go out and destroy your liver all over again! Doesn’t that sound like fun?
It’s a new year, don’t settle for the same hangover.
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