10 Things You Didn’t Realize Happened In 2019

2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.

I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.

Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk

I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.

Colton Jumped The Fence

Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.

Area 51 Raid

What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?

Justin & Hailey’s Wedding

 

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1 year ago we had the best wedding. Wish I could live this day over and over 🤍🕊

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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.

College Admissions Scandal

Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?

Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance

2019 oscars

Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.

Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’

Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce

 

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ROCK THE BOAT ❤️ 🇮🇹 ❤️🇮🇹

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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.

The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup

Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”

Trump Was Impeached

Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.

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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images

Shows To Watch Now That ‘Game Of Thrones’ Is Over

It’s time to face facts: Game of Thrones is gone. Love or hate season eight, it’s the last one we’re ever going to get, at least until HBO releases the prequel spin-off they already have planned or until someone picks up the spin-off I already have planned: Arya Takes Resteros.

This all begs the question….what now? What do we do with ourselves now that we don’t have a reason to get on the internet and scream once a week? Sophie Turner’s Instagram stories might tide us over for a little bit, but it’s unreasonable to expect her to keep up that level of content just for our well-being. She’s got more important sh*t to do, like running Winterfell and Joe Jonas at the same time.

Well fear not, friends. Lest you forgot, we live in a world of near-limitless content. There are thousands of shows to obsess over in the absence of Thrones, and some of them might actually leave you feeling fulfilled at the end. I know, sounds fake, but go with me here.

We’ve narrowed down some of the best new shows and summer releases to help fill that Westeros shaped hole in your heart. None of them will cause quite the same level of gut-wrenching pain as we’re accustomed to, but honestly, that’s probably a good thing.

‘The Society’

Have you ever looked at a stack of the books you were forced to read in middle school and thought “wow I wish one of you got a CW crossover?” Welcome to The Society, which is Lord of the Flies-meets-Riverdale except not campy at all.

The Society follows a group of juniors and seniors in high school who return home from a school trip to their small but abundantly wealthy town in Connecticut to find that they are the only ones there. All the trappings of modern technology have abandoned them, and this group of contentious teenagers are left to figure out what happened, all while trying to maintain a semblance of order amongst them. Needless to say, havoc ensues.

If what you miss most about Game of Thrones is the dark undertones and overarching themes of just exactly how far people will go to gain power, but you also like looking at attractive twentysomethings pretending to be teenagers, this is the show for you.

Where to watch: Netflix now!

‘Paradise Hotel’

Did you find the weekly trauma and gore of Game of Thrones to be just too much? Are you heart-weary and exhausted from ten years of watching characters you love die gruesome deaths? Do you need a mindless vacation from a show that requires you to remember 100 stupid names across seven fake kingdoms? Well, look no further than Paradise Hotel, the reality dating show we neither needed nor deserved.

While not billed as the same franchise, Paradise Hotel is the American version of the UK’s hit show Love Island which, as we’ve already established, is perfect. However instead of trying to decipher accents from Liverpool, you’re stuck with aggressively American characters like Bobby Ray, who refers to himself as a real-life Ken doll at least three times every episode.

Paradise Hotel is Novocaine for the brain. I turn it on after especially hard days at work and then time ceases to exist. The last two weeks of my life have been an endless sea of Kristin Cavallari trying to get these overly tanned mannequins to speak like actual humans on (sometimes) live TV. If you dive in now, you can still catch up to the three episode a week cadence and vote in real time with the audience. Drop everything you had planned and immerse yourself in the world of Paradise Hotel. You won’t be sorry.

Where to watch: Fox or Hulu now!

‘Big Little Lies’ Season Two

If you enjoyed the duplicitous scheming that ran rampant through Game of Thrones, let me introduce you to the wives of Monterey. Big Little Lies boasts a powerhouse of a cast, each playing the kind of woman that you love to hate but also low-key want to become.

Season one worked its way backwards through a mysterious death at a bougie PTA fundraiser in the small coastal town of Monterey, California, diving into the lives of each of our stars along the way. We now know for a scientific fact that God is a woman, because she gave us a show starring Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Laura Dern, Zoe Kravitz, and now, in season two, MERYL STREEP.

Season two doesn’t air until June 9th, which gives you plenty of time to catch up on season one if you haven’t already.  If you’re unsure if this is something you’re ready to undertake, remember that Madeline Martha Mackenzie would figuratively but also maybe literally beat the sh*t out of you if you didn’t.

Where to watch: HBO June 9th

‘Game of Thrones: The Last Watch’

Let’s be real. You’re not ready to move on. Short of re-watching every single episode (definitely still an option), there’s no better way to dive back into Thrones than with a documentary literally about Thrones.

The Last Watch will give us a behind the scenes look at the making of season eight, and all the insane work that went into it. Say what you will about the writing, but there’s no disputing that the set designers, costume designers, crew members, and a bunch of other technical titles that I don’t know, deserve 1,000 Emmy’s and our undying respect. Perhaps the guy in charge or removing modern day beverages will get to tell his side of the story at last.

Game of Thrones: The Last Watch airs this Sunday, May 26th, which makes it the perfect hungover Memorial Weekend recovery doc. Considering I just teared up watching the trailer, I imagine it’ll make for an emotional viewing experience.

Where to watch: HBO May 26th

Images: HBO; Giphy (4)

10 Questions We Still Have After The ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale

I think we can all wholeheartedly agree that this season of Game of Thrones was the most rushed, poorly written ending to a series since Lost. It inspired rage that hearkened back to the “Don’t Stop Believin'” ending for Tony and The Sopranos. At least while George “I can’t finish a book” RR Martin was providing source material, DB and David could keep our characters and story lines on an acceptable, timely track. This season, we had a woman make a split-second decision to kill literally everyone, Jon Snow suddenly know how to ride a dragon, Varys suddenly forget how to be the sneaky bitch he was for 10 years (RIP tho), and Jamie go all the way through his character arc just to do a total 180 and end up right where he was before—banging his sister.

A few good things to come of this season include Ghost surviving, Sansa becoming the true boss bitch she is (and staying independent in her fashionable winter wardrobe), and Robin Arryn getting REALLY HOT since we last saw him. Even though the series is over, we have a LOT of questions that demand answers regarding this entire season and series, into which I have poured countless hours crying, reading Reddit theories, and arguing about predictability via Instagram. Shall we?

What Happens When Drogon Comes Back?

I have a LOT of questions pertaining to Drogon, who I incorrectly predicted would die by the end of this season. As a note, I think I felt more feelings for this dragon than any human-related plot or interaction in the last six episodes, which is saying something, and that something ain’t great. Who else had major Lion King flashbacks when Drogon gently nudged a v dead Dany to get up cause “we gotta go home, mom”? I thought I’d gotten past that as an adult, but apparently not. More importantly, once Drogon picked up his mommy and flew off, where’d he go? What happens when he comes back? Is he going to destroy a different city in the meantime? Do dragons have a grasp on death? Can they feel feelings? Additionally, why did Drogon burn the throne and not the dude who clearly JUST STABBED HIS MOM? Does he have something against swords? Thrones? Sword thrones? Maybe DB and David read him the script ahead of time? I demand a dedicated series to Drogon and his fun-filled exploits around the world.

Does Arya Discover The U.S. In 1492?

Or does she found the flat earth movement? That honestly seems like something she’d do. I can’t even truly express how much I don’t give a sh*t about Arya’s exploits. But I do have a few questions about her entire character arc that led up to her conquistador moment. What’s going to happen to all the faces in her bag? Is she going to entertain the crew with a one-woman puppet show? F*ck if I know (or care). Additionally, where’d she get that boat? What happens when there is no land West of Westeros? Where’d she find a crew willing to sail under someone with little to no exploratory experience? Is she going to eventually go back to Winterfell to piss Sansa off? Stay tuned, I guess.

Will Jon Snow Ever Be Happy?

This poor f*cking guy has been stabbed, had to watch two girlfriends die, never had a mommy, and definitely has some deep-seated psychological issues after what he’s been through. He has a handful of friends who tend to die, and when he finally has a cause to rally behind, said cause ends up being a genocidal maniac who dabbles in incest. So, what? Now he’s going to f*ck off up north with a bunch of questionably-fashioned homeless folks, a heartbroken ginger, and his CGI good boi for the rest of forever? Justice for Jon Snow. Also, why is there even a Night’s Watch? I’m pretty sure we killed all the dead things in episode 3, made peace with the Wildlings several episodes (seasons?) ago, and have no threat looming north of the wall except for hypothermia.

When Did Dany Lose Her Sh*t?

This has been a question floating around since episode 5 when Dany decided to unleash Drogon’s fire breath on the entirety of King’s Landing. What, exactly, set Dany off course from white savior of Essos and Breaker of Chains to blathering psycho intent on burning cities, banging nephews, and becoming a more attractive medieval Hitler? I have a hard time believing that Jon refusing to make out with her was the straw that broke the Khaleesi’s back. Missandei dying, Rhaegal dying, and her nephew refusing to snuggle—all combined—make for a pretty sh*tty week, but, again, it seems like a stretch that a few sad events caused Dany to have a true mental break and lecture Jon about what’s good vs. what isn’t good.

Will Grey Worm Captain An Award-Winning Volleyball Team On Naath?

Grey Worm pissed me (and the rest of the internet) off this episode, but at least he’s out of Westeros on his way to a very odd beach retreat with the boys. Part of me is happy for him and his newfound peace in Naath, but I’m slightly incensed that this guy that helped kill innocents in King’s Landing gets a happier ending than Jon Snow. Grey Worm, I was rooting for you and Missandei, but sometimes things just don’t work out. Here’s hoping you get a stellar tan and find a great piña colada stand in Naath, though.

Is Bran’s Wheelchair The New Throne?

F*ck Bran and f*ck everyone that voted him into office. Let’s backtrack: if Bran hadn’t been climbing that f*cking tower way back in season 1, he would have been able to mind his own goddamn business and let Jamie and Cersei get their freak on in peace, erasing the need for the war of the five kings,, allowing Robert’s dudes to successfully kill Dany, and letting this whole series never consume my life only to disappoint me and let me down like everything else I’ve ever loved. I mean, Robb would still be alive with a kid and gorgeous wife! So would Joffrey, but, you know, we gotta take the good with the bad, fam. Anyway, f*ck you, Bran, and your weird staring. I hope Drogon comes back and snacks on your crunchy little legs. Speaking of Bran…

Did Bran Know Everything The Whole Time?

…and just piss everyone off with his white Walker hunts and three-eyed-raven bullsh*t and long, lingering stares? What an asshole. So you can see into the future? Why the f*ck didn’t you tell Jon to be more sneaky about killing Dany? Maybe he could have been happy for once in his life! Does that mean nothing to you? Why didn’t you stop Dany from killing millions of innocent people? Was that not on your to-do list for the week? Where do you get off, Bran? Oh, wait—you don’t. You knew that this whole thing ended up with you on the throne, and yet you continued to f*ck around with everyone’s thoughts and feelings for several seasons while we all waited for you to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING worthwhile. What was the actual point of revealing that Jon was a Targaryen? I’m glad Tyrion christened you “Bran the Broken” cause it’s not even a cool nickname and, honestly, you don’t deserve anything cool anymore.

Does Ghost Know He’s A Good Boy?

…and is he getting enough pets up north? Even if the entire rest of the episode (and season) was a dumpster fire, the fact that Jon gave Ghost pets and snuggles made everything kind of okay. I’m willing to overlook the absolute piss writing just for the good boi moment in the gif above. Further, I’m really glad to see that this season’s entire budget went to CGI Ghost and CGI not-such-a-good-boi Drogon instead of character development. I’ll miss you both; keep it real.

Do The Unsullied Moonlight As Civil Engineers?

…cause that Hand of the King room looked like it definitely didn’t get blown to sh*t a few weeks prior. I know it takes roughly six months to address the potholes on my road, so, just saying. In the beginning of this episode, I’m 90% sure that roughly 75% of King’s Landing—especially the Red Keep—was beat to sh*t. Are we to assume that instead of getting right on building a hospital (and burn ward), the carpenters, stone masons, and civil engineers of Westeros went right the f*ck to town on the room where rulers can keep rulin’? I mean, maybe there’s literally no one left, so, ya know, no real need for a medical unit at this point. I guess I’m just kind of surprised at the level of priorities here.

Who Was Braiding Dany’s Hair After Missandei Died?

I know from rewatching this series several times that Dany’s elaborate Coachella-worthy braid crowns were the handiwork of our fav multilingual betch, Missandei (RIP). So, once The Mountain and Cersei decided to make the former citizen of Naath a head shorter, who was doing Dany’s hair? It looked pretty fetch while she stood and addressed the Dothraki and Unsullied in episode 6. More so, it looked super grool while she rode Drogon and destroyed King’s Landing in episode 5. Are we to believe that Jon’s talents include hair plaiting and accessorizing? Seems like more of a Varys thing, but whatever. Or maybe it was Pod all along! Honestly, that makes the most sense to me.

Let me know in the comments any other burning questions that the Game of Thrones writers didn’t have time to answer. Other than that, it’s been real!

Images: Giphy (10)

‘Game Of Thrones’ Series Finale Recap: And None For Jon Snow

We made it, friends.

After ten years, eight seasons, seventy-one episodes, hundreds of deaths, and countless tears, we’ve made it to the series finale of Game of Thrones. It’s a weird feeling, one I haven’t really come to terms with yet but will undoubtedly read a thousand think pieces about over the coming days. The battle for the Iron Throne has come to a close, and we’re left to sit and analyze every single second of it until the next show comes around that dominates our collective psyche for years at a time.

I like to think I’ve researched my fair share of fan theories and Reddit threads and general hysteria around this show, and yet I was still unprepared for Bran the Broken to end up King of the Six Kingdoms. That shady, psychic bird-loving bitch knew what was coming all along, but he let them all think otherwise. I can’t help but respect it.

There will be many complaints and gripes to come over the next couple days and all of them pale in comparison to mine which is this: where the hell was Daario Naharis? The man just never thought to show up? Too busy f*cking around in his haunted Hill house to come see Dany burn the world down? I demand closure.

Anyways, let’s dive in.

The episode opens on Tyrion, Jon, and Davos walking through the ash-covered remains of King’s Landing. In case you managed to forget last week—it doesn’t look good. While none of the three of them seem especially happy with the way things played out, Tyrion is taking it the hardest. I would imagine his inner monologue at this moment is just an endless loop for Varys saying “I f*cking told you so.”

Tyrion makes his way to the Red Keep alone, denying Jon’s offer of men to accompany him. He’s searching for confirmation of his worst fears and finds it almost immediately—Jaime and Cersei dead amongst the rubble in the underground cavern they tried to escape from. The internet almost tricked me into believing that Jaime Lannister was still alive, and like a fool I fell for it.

Out on the streets, Greyworm is rounding up and executing Lannister prisoners in the “name of the one true queen.” When Jon tries to intervene, the Unsullied react in a way that makes it clear that no dissent will be tolerated, even from the Queen’s nephew/boyfriend. Jon and Davos head off to try and talk some sense into Dany, a truly lost cause.

They come across the square in front of the Sept, where the Dothraki and the Unsullied have gathered for a post-siege pep talk from their Khaleesi. She wasted literally zero time in redecorating, evident by the twenty foot Targaryen banner hanging from the blown-out walls of the Sept. Where has that been stored this entire time? When did she have it made? What poor solider had the job of carrying around the giant team flag just in case they needed to make a statement? I need answers.

Arya is amongst the Dothraki watching this scene unfold, no mystical white horse in sight. No explanation there? Cool. Also worth noting that there’s about 100% more Dothraki present than you would expect after watching them fly face first into a black wall of zombies.

Jon makes his way up the many stairs of the sept as Drogon and Dany fly over. There’s a really great shot of her walking forward while Drogon’s wings unfurl behind her, a nice visual cue for anyone who maybe hadn’t picked up on the fact that Dany is in fact the Dragon now.

After naming Greyworm Master of War, she steps forward and delivers a speech to her troops that can effectively be summed up in a single statement: we’re not done yet, mofos.

Dany: My Unsullied, you have freed the people of King’s Landing from the grip of a tyrant.
Tyrion: More like freed them from life in general, but sure.

To the obvious surprise of Jon and Tyrion, Dany announces that their battle is far from done, because there are still people to “liberate” in the rest of the world. King’s Landing was merely a starting point, and Winterfell is named as being one of the next stops. The look on Arya’s face at the mention of anyone traveling North in the name  of “liberation” can be found in the dictionary next to the word “murder.”

Tyrion steps forward at this point and delivers his resignation by taking off his hand pin and tossing it down the steps in front of them. He was going to be roasted for treason anyway, but it was a nice statement. The guy is nothing if not prone to dramatics. He’s carried away by guards under Dany’s orders but manages one last look at Jon on his way out that says “fix this.”

Dany marches past Jon next, looking at him with nothing but disdain on her face. Good to know that’s where they stand. Arya appears next to Jon, really making the most out of her super assassin sleuthing skills to warn him that he’s 100% next on the list of executions now that his aunt/girlfriend knows who he really is.

Arya: I came here to kill Cersei but your queen got there first.
Jon: She’s everyone’s queen, actually.
Arya: Sansa isn’t here but she’d want me to tell you to pull your head out of your ass.

Jon heads to see Tyrion in captivity, and they have a long, tense conversation about the fact that Dany is now certifiably insane. Tyrion is 100% on team Varys, but Jon is still in total denial.

Jon: I can’t justify what just happened, but at least the war is over now.
Tyrion: Wow I suddenly understand why you got murdered the first time around.

Listening to Jon defend Dany is giving me war flashbacks to having to watch half of Twitter defend do the same thing all week. Yes—she’s been through some sh*t. No one is arguing that point. But you know who else has been through some sh*t? Literally every single person on this show. Most of Sansa’s family was murdered and she spent her entire adolescence being mentally and physically tortured, but she has yet to murder a million innocent people because of it. It’s almost like experiencing trauma isn’t a justification for inciting a bunch more trauma.

Jon: She saw her friend beheaded!
Tyrion:

When it becomes clear that subtleties and allusion aren’t getting them anywhere, Tyrion pretty much asks Jon to murder Dany in order to save the rest of Westeros, echoing Arya’s earlier sentiment that the true heir to the Iron Throne is likely next to be killed in the new regime. But Tyrion should have known better; the only thing Jon loves more than doing the wrong thing under the guise of being honorable is risking his life in the process.

In a last-ditch attempt at swaying him, Tyrion plays the family card. Even an idiot like Jon can predict what happens when Dany flies North: Sansa refuses to bend the knee, Winterfell is reduced to rubble, no white horse arrives to save Arya this time. Jon still doesn’t waver and instead apologizes to Tyrion before storming out to find Dany. He is surprised by an ash-covered Drogon who is guarding the door to the throne room and ultimately lets Jon pass. Big mistake, bud.

At this point I truly think Jon was hellbent on following Dany at all costs. He had yet to be confronted by her madness face to face and was still under the mistaken impression that we could talk her off the ledge. But when he finds Dany in standing in front of the Iron Throne, looking truly happy for the first time in months, ranting about building a new world together, the realization slowly starts to creep in. She’s past the point of no return.

Dany: When I was a little girl I heard stories about the throne and how it was made of 1,000—
Jon: Cute anecdote, but there are dead children littering the streets.

Jon begs Dany to forgive Tyrion, to forgive everyone and maybe not take her death tour any further than King’s Landing, and it’s a testament to how much she must love him that she actually looks conflicted for a second. But then Dany starts in on her speech about how the two of them were born for this—destined to build a new world together, deciders of what is Right and what is Wrong—and Jon knows. You can actually see him realize that Tyrion was right, that Dany truly believes she is saving the world and will burn it down to see it happen. Nothing can stop her, except him.

He tells her that she is his queen, now and always, and then stabs her in the chest during their last incestuous impassioned make out. She dies quickly and Jon proceeds to weep over her body while Drogon, who has clearly sensed some mischief in the atmosphere, starts screeching and arrives at the scene of the crime. He proceeds to nudge Dany’s lifeless body like a sad puppy in a Pixar movie and then, upon realizing that his mother is dead, turns and rains fire right past Jon and onto the Iron Throne, melting it down to nothing.

I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that Drogon understands the magnitude of this gesture. I am willing to suspend a certain amount of disbelief for this ridiculous show, but this has gone too far. You’re trying to come in at the series finale and tell me that the dragon can grasp metaphors? Did Drogon take his season-long hiatus to pick up a poli-sci degree with an emphasis on democratic power structures? Nah. Absolutely not. We all blindly accepted the fact that Arya murdered a 1,000-year-old zombie king with some cheeky knife play, but this is where I draw the line.

After singlehandedly dismantling the bourgeois, Drogon picks up Dany’s corpse and flies away with her over the ocean and into the horizon, which means there’s now a roaming, mourning, vindictive dragon on the loose. I’d be worried but he’s probably just going to post up somewhere and start his master’s thesis on Nietzsche.

Flash forward an undisclosed amount of time later, Tyrion is summoned from his cell by Greyworm, and marched outside to stand before a council of the great houses of Westeros made up of the Stark siblings, Brienne of Tarth, Davos, Sam, Gendry, Yara Greyjoy, Edmure Tully, the unnamed Prince of Dorne and a few others. This entire scene was important for a few major reasons, but first and foremost, because we got the greatest reveal in this show’s history: a suddenly hot Robyn Arryn. I’m not happy about it either, but lying about it doesn’t get us anywhere. Perhaps we should all reconsider our stance on late-adolescence breast feeding. But, I digress.

It appears that a few weeks have passed since Jon assassinated Daenerys. In that time the Unsullied have taken control of King’s Landing, and the noble families of Westeros have come together for peace negotiations. Considering the fact that Drogon literally flew into the sunset with the evidence of any crime, this means that Jon confessed to murdering his Queen/aunt/girlfriend. It’s almost impressive how obstinately dumb he remains after all this time.

The Starks demand Jon’s safe release, and Sansa has rallied an army of 1,000 Northmen outside the walls of King’s Landing who are prepared to fight if need be. The Unsullied want Jon to pay for what he did, and Yara agrees with them. Davos, ever the great mediator, offers Greyworm all of the Reach for the Unsullied to take as their own to build their house. The offer falls on deaf ears.

Tyrion has been brought forth for reasons unknown, but he suggests that only a King or Queen of Westeros can decide how to move forward, and that the families gathered should elect a new one. Edmure Tully, the most useless man in this entire show, steps forward to nominate himself before being owned by Sansa in front of all his peers. Just give her the throne already.

Sam: Hey what if we let the common people vote?
Everyone else: Poor people?? Having opinions?? What’s next, dragons grappling with complex physical metaphors??

Once it becomes clear that no one is going to make a decision, Tyrion steps forward and nominates truly the last person I expected him to: Bran. He goes on to explain that the only thing that can truly unite people after all this are stories, and that Bran has the best story of them all. Arya, who spent her entire childhood on the run and lying about her identity while training beside assassins, only to save all their lives by murdering the greatest villain Westeros has ever known, does a really good job of not choking at that statement.

Bran the Broken is potentially the worst name in a show made up almost exclusively of bad names. Like, remember that traumatic childhood event that shaped your entire life? It’s going to define you in the annals of history, you weird bird child. As if that wasn’t insulting enough, Sansa stands up and reminds everyone that Bran’s dick doesn’t even work. Like wow, maybe the kid deserves to be king after suffering all this indignity.

But Bran’s inability to produce an heir is his greatest draw, because from this moment forward the nobles of Westeros are going to start electing their leader. Can you believe that? After all this, democracy wins the Iron Throne. Somewhere in the sky, Drogon lets loose a single tear.

Tyrion: So you down or what?
Bran: Why do you think I rolled my ass all the way down here?

The council votes to make Bran king, all except for Sansa who abstains and declares that the North has dealt with enough Southern nonsense and will remain an independent state. I think the fact that Bran is king now is the only reason the rest of the houses let this fly, knowing that Sansa and Bran wouldn’t war against each other. Or the people have finally recognized that Sansa is the only person on this show who knows what she’s doing. Either way, we love it.

Bran names Tyrion his hand, who immediately attempts to refuse because the man hasn’t exactly had a successful run at it in the past.

Greyworm: Not sure if you forgot but the guy is a war criminal and needs to be punished.
Bran: His punishment will be a lifetime of trying to fix the mistakes he’s made.
Greyworm: Yeah that sounds cool but not exactly what we had in mind.

So just to summarize, Tyrion convinced someone else to assassinate the queen on his behalf, installed a half-sentient bird boy as King, is now the second most powerful man in the kingdom, and will live out a comfortable life, full of wine, without the abuse of his family constantly following him. Not sure about you guys, but I think I know who won this show.

All that’s left is to decide Jon’s fate, and it’s truly the most tragic thing to happen all episode. Tyrion visits Jon in his own captivity to tell him that council came to a compromise. After all of that—constantly risking his life to convince the world of the danger of the White Walkers, fighting countless battles and actually getting assassinated in the process, all in the name of saving Westeros—Jon is being sent back to the Night’s Watch. He will live out his days without the one thing he’s wanted his entire life: a family.

Tyrion: If it makes you feel better, no one is very happy about it.
Jon: That’s the theme of my whole life, so it checks out.

Jon is released and heads to the docks to say goodbye to his family before being shipped North. Sansa asks for his forgiveness for not being able to negotiate his freedom. Arya tells him that she’ll be leaving Westeros to sail west and discover new lands. Gendry is RIGHT THERE in his new fancy leather suits, but sure. Jon cries. Sansa cries. Arya cries. Bran does what he does best: offers up a cryptic farewell.

Jon: I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.
Bran: You were exactly where you needed to be.
Jon: …. Goodbye to you too, I guess?

The rest of the episode wraps up all of our characters while giving us a preview into life in this new Westeros. Brienne stops by the library to finish Jaime’s entry in the book of Knights. She writes his story—their story, really—and ends it very generously by not mentioning that he spent his whole life banging his sister. She’s a better scorned woman than I could ever hope to be.

Tyrion leads the first meeting of Bran’s new small council. He’s joined by Davos; Master of Ships, Sam; Archmaester, Brienne; Captain of the Kingsguard; and Bronn, Master of Coin. Bronn is also Lord of the Reach and Highgarden, which means Tyrion came through on his promise to reward him for not assassinating them. Sam arrives with A Song of Ice and Fire, the written history of the wars after King Robert’s death. I see what you all did there. The camera pans out as the new council bickers about rebuilding the city, and the priority of brothels vs. actual infrastructure. It’s a glimpse into a hopeful future, even if Bronn is somehow meant to keep them from going bankrupt.

The episode ends with parallel shots of Jon, Sansa, and Arya embarking on their new lives set to a choral reprise of the theme song. It’s beautiful and sad and poetic and the only part of the episode that truly felt like a finale.

Arya sets sail aboard a ship under the Stark banner, because apparently the only way to come down from saving humanity is a semester abroad. Here’s hoping she spends the next six months drunk on a beach.

Sansa is crowned Queen in the North, which is all the she deserves a more. Our girl fought her way back home, fought for her people, fought for independence, and now gets to live a long happy life of peace amongst the people who adore her. I love her more than anything.

Jon arrives at the wall to be greeted by none other than Tormund and Ghost, who he actually deigns to recognize this time around. The three of them turn and immediately make their way North of the wall, leading the wildlings back to their now zombie-free homes. I’m really hoping that Jon decides to completely ignore the council’s ruling and just settles down with a nice Wildling wife in the wilderness. Or with Tormund. I’m happy either way.

And that’s it. That’s the end of Game of Thrones.

We’ve had our ups. We’ve had our downs. But through it all there’s no denying the indelible mark this show left on culture. It captivated us all, week after week, year over year, to the point that we’re now circulating unnecessary petitions about the way it’s ended. Hundreds of recaps have been written, thousands of comments have been left, and memes have truly never been stronger than during the course of Game of Thrones. For better or worse, it’s been a wild ride, and I’ve had the time of my life embarking on it with all of you.

All Time MVB: Sansa Stark

She kept her head down, suffered in silence, learned the game, stayed alive, and then came for what was rightfully hers in the end. She is the undisputed winner of this show and also my heart. Sansa Stark forever.

Until next time.

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: Arya’s Gonna Take Her Horse To The Old Town Road

I could save both you and myself a lot of time by summing this entire Game of Thrones recap up in one statement: what the actual f*ck. To anyone who complained about the lack of gratuitous violence and death in the Battle of Winterfell, this is your fault. I hope you’re happy.

To say “The Bells” was a disappointing lead up to the series finale would be an understatement. While many characters, both beloved and despised, died in last night’s episode of Game of Thrones, the most important death was the character assassination of just about everyone involved.

Daenerys? Spends seven seasons preaching about rescuing the innocent, only to torch an entire city of them even after their leaders had surrendered.

Jon? A wide-eyed idiot whose only real skill is managing to underestimate every single situation he’s ever found himself in.

Arya? Suddenly someone who runs from a fight that she’s spent the last 10 years working toward.

Cersei? Don’t even get me started. That woman has been Villain Number One since day one and she deserved a death that reflected that. Getting torched by Drogon as she stares unwaveringly into Dany’s eyes? That would have worked. Chugging a glass of wine before throwing herself off the keep à la Tommen? Fine. But cowering in the arms of her brother-lover after a failed escape attempt? An insult. Cersei Lannister deserved better.

The entirety of the siege of King’s Landing could have been communicated with a black screen and just scrolling captions that said “She’s the Mad Queen! Dany is bad! Remember how we foreshadowed this?? Also does anyone know where George went?? He’s stopped returning our calls!” It was 45 minutes of gratuitous death and gore, a purposeful move that’s meant to turn the audience against Daenerys so that her death next week will feel like vindication.

But anyway, let’s dive into this mess.

We open back in Dragonstone on Varys, who is writing a letter to an unidentified person about Jon being the true heir to the Iron Throne. He’s interrupted by a young servant girl who reports that Dany isn’t taking meals.

The next morning, Tyrion watches as Varys greets Jon on the shore. The guy doesn’t even manage ten seconds of small talk before diving right into his pitch for Aegon Targaryen, King of Westeros. Jon is not entertained, but to be fair he’s never been entertained by anything so it’s hard to tell at this point.

Jon: I don’t want the throne. Never have.
Varys: Why do people keep saying that like it matters or something?

Varys might have made an impression if he just stuck to logic, but the second he insults Dany’s sanity he loses Jon entirely. Jon drops a steely “she is my queen” before stalking off into the castle.

Tyrion goes straight to Dany and we’re going to address the elephant in the room right off the bat here by saying that our girl does not look good. In fact, she looks downright bad. Not just “I lost my dragon and best friend/hairstylist in one fell swoop” bad. We’re talking “I’ve taken to glaring at the horizon and mumbling about my enemies” bad. They might as well just have hung a plaque around her neck that read “Mad Queen.”

She knows that Jon told Sansa about his lineage, who proceeded to tell the whole world, Tyrion included, who then told Varys, who is now actively campaigning against her. It’s worth nothing that not once during this argument, or any of the ones that follow, does Dany raise her voice. Everything is just a quiet, urgent whisper, which is honestly more disarming than her trademark temper. It’s clear that Varys’ fate is sealed here, only further confirmed by the arrival of Grey Worm at his room later that night. Varys manages to finish burning his letter before he’s escorted out to the cliffs where Dany, Jon, Tyrion, and Drogon are waiting.  It’s safe to say that nothing good is about to happen when you’re dragged out of your room to face a dragon in the middle of the night.

Tyrion steps forward in a truly honorable moment to tell Varys that he was the one to rat him out. Varys isn’t shocked—he’s been in the game long enough to know how this goes.

Varys: I hope I’m wrong about all this.
Varys: But I’m not.
Varys: Clearly.
Varys: See you all in hell, bitch.

I’m surprised Dany is allowing even the slightest showing of remorse on Tyrion’s part. Empathizing with her enemies feels like something she’d be against even on her best day, and this certainly isn’t anywhere close to that. Instead, she just sentences Varys to die, with no charges or justification to offer.

Dany: Dracarys
Jon:

After torching Varys, Dany heads to the war room with Grey Worm, where she gives him Missandei’s only possession—the shackle she used to wear around her neck. He tosses it into the fire, clearly on Team No Mercy alongside his queen.

Jon shows up and Grey Worm makes a hasty retreat, leaving these two estranged relatives/lovers to sort out some sh*t.

Dany: Sansa basically killed Varys.
Jon: Flawed logic but sure.

Dany goes on a short tirade about the people of Westeros fearing and not loving her, before pivoting and trying to seduce Jon in a way that truly made my skin crawl. He swerves, which confirms for her that she’ll have to rule by fear from here on out, having been slighted by the last person alive who claims to love her.

Dany:

Later in the throne room, Tyrion is pleading with Dany to not destroy King’s Landing and all the innocent people in it. This argument, which he’ll make many times this episode, falls on deaf ears. Dany is beyond reason and speaking like a true tyrant, claiming that she’ll be saving future generations by cleansing the city now. Tyrion makes a last ditch effort and asks that she at least call off the attack if the city surrenders. She agrees, before sending Grey Worm off to prepare the Unsullied to sail out.

Tyrion: Please tell me you aren’t going to slaughter all the innocent people in King’s Landing who have done nothing to wrong you.
Dany:

 As Tyrion makes his way out, clearly aware of what he’s now dealing with, Dany drops a bomb: Jaime was captured trying to make his way into King’s Landing. This is the second time that Tyrion has been wrong about his siblings’ intentions, and Daenerys makes it clear that it will also be the last time.

Next we cut to King’s Landing where Jon, Tyrion, and the troops are all arriving for battle. Morale is low at best. They’re greeted on the shore by Davos, who Tyrion pulls aside to ask for a smuggling favor. Safe to say that one doesn’t pan out.

Arya and the Hound arrive at the camp at night, looking like they’re ready to singlehandedly take on this battle. If only that were the case.

Arya: I’m Arya Stark and I’m here to kill Cersei.
The Hound: She is the light of my life.

Tyrion sneaks into the tent where Jaime is being kept prisoner, hellbent on saving at least one person in this entire episode.

Tyrion: How did they find you?
Jaime: Turns out not a lot of men have a solid gold hand.

It becomes clear that Jaime has no intention of asking Cersei to surrender, thereby busting the theory I’ve been lecturing people about all week in which Jaime returns only to kill Cersei and then himself. Instead, Tyrion switches tactics and begs Jaime to escape with Cersei so that they can start fresh elsewhere. Not sure where the world-reviled Lannister twins could escape to, but it’s a nice thought. Against all odds, Jaime agrees and the two say goodbye for the final time. It was the closest I came to feeling anything this entire episode.

Tyrion: You were the best family I’ve ever had.
Jaime: Low bar there but I appreciate the sentiment.

At last, the day of the battle has arrived and both sides are prepping across King’s Landing. Euron is arming his many scorpions on his fleet in Blackwater Bay. John, Greyworm, Tyrion, and Davos, followed by the Northerners, the Unsullied, and the five remaining Dothraki are lined up against the Golden Company outside the walls of the city. Inside, soldiers are taking their places as the civilians race to the Red Keep for protection. The gates close before many of them can get in, Jaime included. He spends the next thirty minutes trying to find his way inside a crumbling city. Cersei looks out over King’s Landing, calm as a cucumber. God grant me the serenity of Cersei Lannister when faced with any kind of adversity.

Things kick off swiftly with Dany flying down from the clouds to torch Euron’s entire fleet of ships. The scorpions, which seemed last week to be the end of all dragons, are entirely ineffective. Drogon is out here, pirouetting across the sky, raining fire down on these giant crossbows as if it’s no big thing. Rhaegal is quaking at the bottom of the ocean.

Dany makes quick work of the bay and then turns her attention to the city itself. She blasts through the wall behind the Golden Company, effectively toppling all of them in seconds. Jon, Grey Worm, Davos, and their armies run through the gaping gates while we’re offered expansive shots of the opposing side lying screaming and burning on the ground. There’s a lot of that kind of behavior over the next forty or so minutes.

It becomes quickly apparent that Cersei does not stand a chance. Like, if Dany had rolled in with all three dragons, this episode could have been five minutes long. While she torches the Lannister army from above, the Unsullied wreak havoc below in the streets. It’s not even a contest, which seems weird considering the fact that Team Dany was looking worse for wear not ten minutes earlier.

Cersei is watching from her balcony, slowly realizing that this won’t be the cake walk she anticipated. Qyburn informs her that the scorpions have all been destroyed, that the Golden Company are charred, lifeless husks, and that everything is rapidly going to sh*t.

Dany parks Drogon on a tower just as Jon and company come face to face with the Lannister army. It’s a standoff of sorts, everyone clearly in over their heads. The Lannister forces drop their swords seconds before the bell signaling surrender rings through the city. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “thank God that was quick. Now we can spend the rest of the episode effectively setting up a plot for next week.” Just call me Jon Snow, I guess.

Up on the tower, Dany watches as the city surrenders. For one second you think things are going to be chill before she suffers a clear mental break, lets out a single sob, and then takes off in the direction of the keep.

“Oh, well, she’s just going to kill Cersei,” I thought, “this plan still checks out.” But guess what? She doesn’t do that. She doesn’t even attempt to do that. Cersei is hanging out, entirely unprotected on a very visible balcony on top of the biggest building in the city, and instead of heading for that very viable target Dany flies down to the streets and begins torching civilians and soldiers alike.

This move is clearly a shock to Jon, Davos, Tyrion, the millions of people in King’s Landing, me at home on my couch, and anyone capable of understanding logic, but you know who’s not fazed at all? Grey Worm, who takes it as a signal to keep on keeping on. He charges full force into a crowd of unarmed Lannister soldiers, and the battle is back on.

What follows is forty straight minutes of carnage. It was clearly meant to shock the audience into submission, but I actually just found myself to be bored by the over-the-top gore of it all. I had more of a visceral reaction to Tyrion outing Brienne as a virgin than I did to the people of King’s Landing being incinerated in HD. So instead of attempting to describe the mayhem, let’s just cover the important plot points that took place while the King’s Landing was being dismantled brick by brick.

Jaime & Euron

Jaime finds his way to the outlet Tyrion directed him to, down on the shores of Blackwater Bay, only to be intercepted by Euron, who immediately challenges him to a duel. This entire scene was the most unnecessary sequence of events in an episode made up solely of unnecessary sequences of events. Euron, whose character arc was already weak at best, has been reduced to a man who operates on chaos alone. He managed to survive Drogon’s attack on the water, and instead of making a break for it he just…goads Jaime Lannister into a fight? To what end?

Euron: I had sex with a queen which makes me a king so now if you kill me everyone will be like “Wow Jaime Lannister killed TWO KINGS” wouldn’t that be crazy?
Jaime: …Sir this is an Arby’s.

Jaime gets stabbed twice in the torso before managing to get a killing blow into Euron’s chest. Dark Pacey Witter, the chaotic Jack Sparrow of Winterfell, dies alone on the shores of King’s Landing. His last words are “I am the man who killed Jaime Lannister.” None of it made sense, but it’s so low on the totem pole of things to be mad about that I guess we’ll just move on.

Jon

Jon spends the entire siege running around the city, being shocked that Dany is doing exactly what Varys said she would do. He tries to save a few people and stop a few fights, but is ultimately useless.

Dany: * goes insane, burns King’s Landing to the ground, basically follows up on her promise to rule the people of Westeros by fear*
Jon:

The Hound & Arya

Pre-Mad Queen, the Hound and Arya were strolling through King’s Landing looking like the best pair of assassins you’ve ever seen. But once the city starts crumbling around them, they lose some of their bravado. The two of them make it all the way to the Keep only for the Hound to turn around and urge Arya to escape. You expect her to laugh in his face but then, against all odds and in opposition to everything we know to be true about her, she just…does it?

The girl who killed the Night King makes it to the doorstep of Cersei, the woman she’s vowed to kill since day one, and then goes “Eh, not feeling it anymore.” At this rate, why didn’t she just stay back and marry Gendry? She could be in Winterfell, eating ice cream and watching rom coms with Brienne and Sansa, having sex with her hot, newly-noble fiancé, not having a care in the world. But sure, this route makes sense, too.

Arya thanks the Hound for I don’t know what, then high tails it out onto the streets of King’s Landing, which appear to be just as dangerous as the Keep. The Hound continues up the stairs and comes across Cersei, Qyburn, and the Mountain, making their escape. The brothers lock eyes, and it’s clear that we’re about to get the fight everyone has been asking for. Cersei commands Ser Gregor to stay by her side, and he answers by picking Qyburn up and busting his skull against a rock. Good riddance. She sneaks past them and leaves the two to battle it out.

Jaime & Cersei

In case my rant above wasn’t enough, let me drive my point home by saying that the death of the Lannister twins was the single most disappointing death scene in this entire show. Qyburn went out more heroically than these two incestuous idiots.

After leaving the Cleganes behind, Cersei comes across Jaime in the Keep. She starts sobbing upon seeing him and they stand there and hold each other for far longer than you would expect, given the fact that the ceiling could come down on them at any moment.

They make their way to the dragon dungeon Tyrion once escaped from, only to find that their route has been blocked by a pile of debris. Instead of doing, I don’t know, anything about this situation, Cersei starts sobbing about not wanting their baby to die. Jaime grabs her by the face, tells her that nothing matters but the two of them, and then they died clutching each other as the entire Keep collapses down onto them.

Their death feels like such a throwaway that I am now retroactively Team Cersei. Dying together? Check, we’re all on board for that. Dying cowering and sobbing in each other’s arms? Not my Lannisters.

What happened to Cersei, whose natural response to any danger is gulping wine and arching her eyebrow? Or Jaime, the brave and honorable knight who would rather go down fighting than surrender? Did everyone just forget the last nine years of character development? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Clegane Bowl

It shouldn’t be surprising by this point when I tell you that Clegane Bowl was entirely underwhelming. The Hound repeatedly stabs his giant zombie of a brother to no avail while the building collapses around them. Once it becomes clear that nothing will stop the Mountain, not even a dagger through the skull, the Hound tackles him and together they crash through what’s left of the wall and they both tumble hundreds of feet to the fiery city below. I would say it’s safe to assume both of them are dead, but it’s not safe to assume anything about this show anymore.

Arya & The Horse

Out on the streets of the city, Arya is not faring well. Despite the fact that she’s clearly won, Dany is still flying around and roasting people while toppling whole city blocks. Everything is debris and ash and fire and death and it’s honestly awful. Arya almost dies a handful of times, only to be saved by a kind woman who later dies by fire for her efforts.

Arya is knocked unconscious and wakes up covered in debris an undetermined amount of time later. While you can still hear screams in the distance, everything is quieter now. There isn’t a living soul in sight except for one immaculate, entirely unharmed white horse. I thought maybe this was a metaphor or a hallucination on Arya’s part, but It was actually just a whole-ass horse. Arya hops on and gallops away as the screen fades to black and for some reason “Old Town Road” isn’t playing in the background. Yet another disappointment to add to the list.

That’s it, folks. That’s the episode.

It seems like the only possible route now is for what’s left of Westeros (aka the Starks) to rise up against Dany. Now that she’s not even feigning sanity anymore, there’s nothing stopping Dany from riding north and torching her last standing opposer: Sansa. If we don’t get a Stark reunion followed by a Baelish-style surprise execution, I will riot.

Sansa up North, sipping a daiquiri and not being burned alive in a battle she didn’t support, carefully crafting her “I told you so” speech for Jon:

MVB: That stupid horse

Pickings were so slim this week that we’re bestowing the coveted title of Most Valuable Betch to the horse that managed to survive the melee on the streets of King’s Landing. With those kind of instincts, it’s probably smarter than Jon—someone please let the horse develop the game plan for next week.

Images: HBO; Giphy (5)

If ‘Game of Thrones’ Characters were American Politicians

President Trump loves to use Game of Thrones memes to get his point across (see above), and for once he might actually be making a logical comparison. American politics are just as ridiculous as the goings ons in Westeros these days, the main difference being that there aren’t as many hot people involved. So, in the spirit of that, we’ve created the definitive list of Game of Thrones characters and their American political counterparts. Groundbreaking, we know.

Jon Snow = Beto O’Rourke

Just a couple of QT’s who can’t stop giving speeches when no one asked them to. These guys are solid dudes with their hearts in the right place, but at the end of the day their game plans just aren’t very impressive. Sure, they’d look fine as hell on the throne and I would gladly have sex with them both (at the same time or separately), but there’s more to ruling than having thicc hair and an edgy past (Jon died that one time and Beto was in a band).

Daenarys Targaryon = Hillary Clinton

Is it her time to rule? Every person on Facebook has an opinion about it and 99% of the takes are based on misogyny. That’s the case for both of these fierce blondes. Dany and Hill both feel their right to sit on the throne is undeniable, and often don’t listen to reason when it comes to strategy. Burning people alive and ignoring Wisconsin on the campaign trail aren’t a good look, but try telling that to these gals. They’re both big on military, have badass dragon vibes, and people can’t stop writing think pieces about whether or not they’re likable.

Arya Stark = Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

TFW you need a woman to come in and save us all. Arya Stark and AOC are both 100% that b*tch, and they aren’t here to make friends. Watching Arya on the battlefield and watching AOC drag everyone’s ass on Twitter/Capitol Hill give me the same feeling: pure bliss with a hint of erotica. In this case, the Night King is a metaphor for the nightmare that American politics has become, and AOC is here to slay that shit.

Ice Dragon = Kellyann Conway

This is simply to say that she’s constantly spewing fire-ice-garbage that is ruining everything. Case closed.

Bran Stark = Mike Pence 

“I’m going to go now.”

Like what exactly is your job, bro? What are you doing with your days??? And why do you speak like you’re reading the back of a shampoo bottle??? Also what are you doing when your eyes are closed like that? What material assistance did you provide? I HAVE QUESTIONS!

Sansa Stark = Nancy Pelosi

You know what, we all underestimated them. We thought they weren’t tough enough and couldn’t hold their own, but jokes on us, b*tch. Nance created the “f*ck you clap,” and Sansa is queen of the “f*ck you eyebrow arch/ lip purse combo.” We stan.

Little Finger =  Mitch McConnell

These slimy motherf*ckers. They’re both always scheming, resemble turtles, and seem to thrive by lurking in the corner and making facial expressions that look like they just smelled a fart.

Joffrey = Donald Trump

I know this isn’t the most original take in the world, as there have been plenty of memes made with the same comparison, but it’s just too accurate. Two big babies who were given too much power and are constantly dating women way out of their leagues. The worst.

Brienne of Tarth = Elizabeth Warren

It’s always a woman who is indisputably the best in her field and yet doesn’t get the recognition. Brienne and Liz are out here slaying the game, and somehow still not doing well in the polls/getting stood up a by one-handed man who fucked his sister. No justice in this world SMDH.

Cersei Lannister = Melania Trump

Okay, this one was hard. There’s really no true match for Cersei Lannister, but Melania comes close. Like Cersei, she’s a stone cold b*tch who dates down and “loves her kids.” They both rock the icy stare, and at the end of the day, they’re women who hold more power than people assume, which they use to their advantage. Also, like Cersei, I assume Melania uses a lot of wine to get through the day.

Tyrion Lannister = John Oliver

Here’s a fun one. Tyrion and John Oliver provide us with comedic social commentary during these times of political unrest. We could not survive without them, and their accents 100% add to their charm. Cheers, bois.

Qyburn = Stephen Miller

Two virgins whose only hobbies are making other people suffer, end of discussion.

High Sparrow = Steve Bannon

Both of these sick f*cks are obsessed with “cleansing” the population, even though they’re the ones out here looking like decaying scabs with limbs. Luckily they were both cancelled a couple of seasons ago.

Ned Stark = Barack Obama

There was a time when these two hot dads were keeping the peace in the world, and thinking back on it is v painful. We miss you, we love you, we’re sorry we failed you.

Random drunk guy in background = Brett Kavanaugh

Literally anytime there is a scene at a pub in Westeros, spot the drunkest guy in the background and that is your boi Brett.

Images via Giphy (15), Twitter @RealDonaldJTrump (1)

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‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: You’re A Virgin Who Can’t Drive

I commend each and every one of you for making it back after the utter desolation that was the Battle of Winterfell. We’re all gluttons for punishment, but at least we’re in it together.

While not as traumatic, this week’s episode still saw its share of death. Let’s pour one out for all that we lost last night: one dragon, three ships (the romantic kind), many ships (the boat kind), a good chunk of our collective lingering hope, and saddest of all, Missandei.

This week started off strong with a recap from The Long Night that sparked a severe bout of PTSD and sent me sprinting to the kitchen for the wine that I told myself I’d save for at least halfway through the episode. Like, yeah, throw in that cute supercut of everyone dying last week just in case we somehow forgot, you absolute sadists.

We open on a nice solemn scene of the survivors from the battle saying goodbye to the fallen.

HBO reminds us that they are not here to play games by kicking things off with a nice, slow pan of Jorah’s dead body. Dany drops the world’s longest kiss on his forehead and honestly I’m surprised it didn’t wake him from his eternal slumber.

Next we cut to Sansa, weeping over Theon. Again, I hate it, but I respect Theon and thus will allow it. She attaches her Stark pin to his chest before stepping back to join Jon, Arya, and the rest of those gathered to watch. Amongst them is Ghost, in the first of his two appearances tonight. His agent must have stepped in to secure an additional 30 seconds of screen time in his contract.

Jon, of course, must make a speech before they burn all the bodies. It’s wild that the guy who constantly reminds everyone that he doesn’t want to be a leader is also the one who refuses to turn down an opportunity to yell inspirational things at a crowd of people.

Jon: All these people died at the hands of zombies for us, so it’d be cool if we could all stop being petty and maybe get along from here on out.
Jon: @Daenerys
Jon: @Sansa
Dany and Sansa: Read 7:32AM

Everyone takes a nice lingering look at the person who effectively saved their life before they’re all set ablaze, giving us a last glance at Beric, Edd, and Lyanna Mormont.

Like, I’m sorry, I know it’s a time to be respectful, but why isn’t Arya sitting on Tormund’s shoulders and chugging ale or something? Our girl killed the NIGHT KING. Where is her recognition? Why is Gendry still wearing pants? What is going on?

Afterwards, everyone heads inside to enjoy an incredibly uncomfortable meal and is not making eye contact with each other. It’s understandable—feels like it’d be rough to make small talk after watching half of your people get slaughtered by a dead army.

Gendry: So uh…. Where’s Arya? Asking for a friend.
The Hound: My dude, people are still burning outside, please keep it in your pants for 30 seconds.

Gendry heads off in search of Arya before being called out by Dany, who casually announces to the entire hall that he’s Robert Baratheon’s son. Could she calm down for one second?

Dany: Hey remember that time your dad slaughtered my entire family?
Gendry: No, but I do remember the time that he abandoned me at birth.

But the conversation takes a turn for the better when Dany instates Gendry’s status as the lawful son of Robert Baratheon, the Lord of Storm’s End. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that no one saw that coming. Mercy? In my Khaleesi? Sounds fake.

Except it makes total sense when you realize it was an entirely self-serving move on her part, solidifying Gendry’s life-long loyalty and cutting down a potential competing claim to the Iron Throne at the same time. Tyrion picks up on it, as does Sansa. Their reactions are opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of being impressed.

This proclamation changes the tides of the night, kicking off the celebration in full. What follows is about 25 minutes of nonstop revelry and drunken hookups. It’s equal parts heartwarming and anxiety-inducing to watch, because we all know that happiness does not last long in this show.

Tormund cements his status as Jon Snow’s number-one fan by going on an alcohol-fueled tirade about all the things his little crow has accomplished, all while plying the guy with more wine. In a not-at-all-shocking turn of events, Jon is a lightweight and Tormund believes in puking and rallying.

Tormund: MY TINY DRAGON RIDER CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD Y’ALL REMEMBER THAT.
Tormund: HE SHOULD BE KING.
Tormund: WOW IF ONLY JON COULD BE KING.
Tormund: WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF JON WAS KING.
Dany:

It looked for a second there like alcohol had cured the awkward tension between Dany and Jon, but it slowly starts creeping in as she takes in her surroundings. Around the room she sees him being celebrated by the Northerners in a way she knows she never will be. She watches the Lannister brothers, once her greatest foes, laughing together as if they’ve never been on opposing sides of the same war. It’s becoming abundantly clear that her road to the Iron Throne isn’t as clear as she once thought it was.

Over at the Lannister table, the drinks are flowing, the romance is brewing, and everything is looking super chummy in the midst of this drinking game where people try and guess things that have occurred in other people’s pasts. 10/10 would destroy relationships if you tried this with your own friends, but I say we do it anyway.

Brienne: You’ve been married before.
Tyrion:Jaime: * chokes on his wine *

Brienne makes a hasty exit from the game and the room just as a drunk-ass Tormund approaches the table. He starts to follow her before being blocked by Jaime, who runs out after her instead, at which point Tormund turns into every drunk girl you’ve ever met in a bathroom at a bar and starts crying over Brienne. I have truly never loved him more.

There’s one person who is distinctly not enjoying the festivities, and that’s the Hound. He is spurning the advances of women, drinking wine like it’s his last day on Earth, and growling any time anyone mentions that Arya saved all their lives.

Dany: To Arya Stark, true hero of Winterfell!
The Hound: I taught her everything she knows, but WHATEVER.

Sansa approaches his table and the energy here is…weird. Someone recently brought to my attention that they think these two should be together, and in unrelated news I recently started punching people who offer up bad opinions.

The Hound: So what happened to Ramsey?
Sansa: I fed him to his dogs.
The Hound: Wow, okay, so the two Stark girls are the only things I’ve ever loved.

These two start strolling down memory lane, which is a sad road littered with trauma. The Hound tells Sansa that she could have avoided every terrible thing that happened to her—Baelish, Ramsey—if she’d only left King’s Landing with him when she had the chance. But all that sh*t is what made Sansa who she is today, and she tells him as much. The last time they saw each other she was still a Little Bird, and now she’s the stone cold Lady of Winterfell. For better or for worse, Ramsey and Baelish played a role in that transformation.

Upon becoming a full-fledged Lord, Gendry immediately bails on the party to track down Arya. Her finds her practicing archery alone, of course. No rest for the wicked and/or murderers of ice zombies.

Gendry: I can’t even use a fork but I would like to marry you.
Arya: You didn’t have to mention that first part.

Gendry drops to his knee and throws out the sweetest, most heartfelt proposal that has probably ever existed in the history of Westeros. We cried. We rewound it and cried again. We hoped and we prayed and we wished, but deep down we all knew what would come next.

Gendry: Marry me and be the Lady of Storm’s End.
Arya: Lol I’ll make you the Lady of Storm’s End.

Arya comes through with the swerve of the century, kissing Gendry and then turning down his proposal. She tells him that she’s not a lady—never has been and never will be—and while she’s right, it didn’t make it any less heartbreaking to watch.

But where one love dies, another flourishes, which is something I whispered to myself as Jaime arrives in Brienne’s room. You know this man has had a lot of sex in his life, sister or not, which makes the fact that he’s so incredibly nervous possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Is the bar low? Yes. Yes it is.

Jaime: Wow it’s so hot in here would be a shame if all my clothes just started falling off.

Brienne accuses Jaime of being jealous of Tormund, and he proves her right by immediately undressing both himself and her. They’re bickering, all the way up to the moment where they just leap at each other. Was truly hoping we’d get a shot of Jaime being the little spoon, but we just can’t have nice things I guess.

Jaime: I’ve never slept with a knight before.
Brienne:

Things are slightly less romantic over in Jon’s room, where Dany has arrived for a drunk confrontation. She starts out by telling him that she loves him before immediately segueing into the whole “true heir to the iron throne” bit. Sure, there’s a hefty makeout session somewhere in there, but who among us hasn’t gotten drunk and then kissed our nephew someone we shouldn’t have?

In a rare moment of vulnerability, Dany confesses that she’s jealous of the support that the Northerners so obviously have for him. Jon tells her he doesn’t want the throne, but that’s not enough for Dany. She wants Jon to keep his secret buried, because she knows that everyone will rally behind him once they find out who he is.

Jon: I have to tell Sansa though.
Dany: No that’s literally the last person I want you to tell.

The next day, we’re back in the strategy room, the time for celebrating clearly over. We learn that we’ve lost half the Unsullied, half the Northmen, and an undisclosed amount of Dothraki. Considering the whole wall of torches disappearing into the solid wall of deadly night, we can probably assume it was most of them. On top of all that, Varys announces that the Golden Company has arrived in King’s Landing, and suddenly this isn’t an even playing field anymore.

Dany: We’re going to destroy Cersei.
Tyrion: But not destroy King’s Landing in the process.
Dany, with barely concealed rage: Yes….that too.

Jon and Tyrion’s plan is to starve the city and force the people to revolt against Cersei. It is far too diplomatic for Dany’s liking, but she acquiesces. At least, until Sansa starts talking.

Sansa: Hey what if we let everyone recover from the great zombie fight that happened last night before we march them to another war.
Dany: Yeah what if we also shut the f*ck up, Sansa? Hm?

Dany thinks that Sansa is trying to renege on their deal when in reality she’s just trying to make sure everyone doesn’t die of exhaustion. Jon steps in and sides with Dany, effectively pissing off everyone in the room. Sansa and Arya share the universal look that women recognize as “men making terrible decisions” that will doom us all.

The game plan they land on is this: Jon and Davos will ride down the Kingsroad with the bulk of the remaining Northmen, Unsullied and handful of Dothraki. Dany and Tyrion, with the dragons, will lead a smaller group to White Harbor, from which point they’ll sail to Dragonstone and then onto King’s Landing. Jaime will stay at Winterfell, as a “guest of Sansa’s” aka Ser Brienne’s boyfriend. Sansa is out here giving Davos a run for the Wingman of Westeros title.

Afterwards, Jon is immediately summoned to the Godswood for a Stark family meeting. Sansa and Arya are, understandably, pissed. Bran, predictably, is silent.

Arya admits that Jon did the right thing by initially bending the knee to Dany and recruiting her support, but that doesn’t mean they’re ever going to trust her. Her and Sansa’s argument is effectively the North’s equivalent of “Locals Only.”

Jon: That’s not a great way to make allies
Arya, standing mere feet from where she killed the Night King: Bold of you to assume I am in need of allies.

Sansa and Arya veer into territory that, ironically, Jon has wanted to hear all his life: you’re a true Stark, son of Ned, our brother who was definitely never resented, blah blah blah. It’s comical watching them both wax poetic about this while Bran stares in the background, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sansa: You’re a Stark.
Arya: You’re my brother
Bran: LMAO

And then he does it. He tells them the truth. Or at least, he has Bran tell them after swearing them both to secrecy. They cut away before we can watch that conversation unfold, which is a real bummer because I would have loved to see the look on Sansa’s face.

Elsewhere, Jaime and Tyrion are catching up over the only topic that matters anymore: Braime. Or Jienne. I haven’t worked out the details yet but you catch my drift. However, they are interrupted by Bronn, who casually strolls into a tavern in the North wielding a crossbow as if this is a normal thing to do.

Bronn: Is f*cking Brienne, like, looking in a mirror?
Jaime: Considering I used to have sex with my literal twin, not really.

In what may be one of the best interactions all season, Bronn opens negotiations with the Lannister brothers for his loyalty and in turn, their lives. He lets them know what Cersei sent him there to do, but also admits that he doesn’t think she’s on the winning side of this war. As we know well by this point, Bronn is loyal only to victory.

Tyrion brings back his original deal with Bronn, doubling the price anyone offers to kill him for, by throwing Highgarden on the table. Jaime is aghast, but Bronn takes them up on the offer. He leaves as quickly as he arrived, letting them know he’ll be back to collect his debt when all the fighting is said and done.

The next day, the Hound is making his getaway when he comes across Arya on the road outside Winterfell. She is clearly also sneaking out without saying goodbye to anyone. This is a trend that I am beginning to hate. They commiserate over their shared distaste for people, their unfinished business in King’s Landing, and the fact that they won’t be returning to Winterfell. It looks like our favorite buddy cop duo is back.

The Hound: Will you leave me to die again if I get hurt?
Arya: Probably.
The Hound, softly: Love that.

Up on the ramparts of the castle, Tyrion finds Sansa watching as Dany and the dragons fly into the distance. What follows is an almost entirely fruitless conversation in which Tyrion tries to get Sansa to drink some of that Targaryen Kool-Aid. She’s not budging.

Tyrion: You don’t have to be her friend but you could try not being an asshole.
Sansa: Yeah… I’m good.

It’s obvious that Sansa is distressed about the idea of Jon leaving, and she has her reasons. She points out two facts that everyone knows to be true: Dany rules by fear and Stark men don’t do well in the South. The combination of those two things make for a precarious situation for Jon. Tyrion counters with the fact that he’s not actually a Stark, at which point Sansa almost loses it. She sees something in Dany that Tyrion is steadfastly ignoring, and honestly I trust her here. If Sansa has learned anything over the years, it’s how to recognize psychopaths. So if she’s wary, there’s likely a good reason.

Down in the yard, Jon faces a series of rapid goodbyes. First is Tormund, who comes to tell him that he’s heading home with the Free Folk, finally having conceded in the battle for Brienne’s heart. As a parting gift, Jon gives Tormund Ghost, who appears to have lost an ear in battle? Or they’re just running low on that CGI budget, who’s to say?

Jon: A direwolf has no place in the South.
Narrator: That was a metaphor.

The next farewell is with Sam and Gilly, who are apparently pregnant. There’s not a lot to do at the Citadel other than have sex and read about your friend’s true lineage, I guess.

Sam: You’re the best friend I ever had.
Jon: You too.
Me: There wasn’t a lot of competition there but okay.

But the saddest parting of them all comes in the form of Jon and Ghost, because this asshole just walks right by his loyal wolf without so much as a goodbye pet? A coward. That direwolf did not battle wights and live to tell the tale only to suffer this blatant disrespect.

Aboard the Targaryen fleet, Tyrion and Varys start the first of their many conversations this episode about who should really be sitting on the Iron Throne. Tyrion is still in fierce support of Daenerys, although it appears to be wavering by the second, while Varys has slowly shifted over to Team Jon.

Tyrion: He doesn’t want the throne though.
Varys: When in the last nine years has anything that Jon wanted actually mattered.

Tyrion attempts to compromise by floating the two getting married and ruling side by side, but Varys comes out staunchly anti-incest. What a novel idea. More than anything, he’s starting to have some legitimate concerns about Dany’s temperament as a ruler.

Tyrion: Look on the bright side, maybe Cersei will kill us all and we won’t have to ever worry about it.
Varys: Fingers crossed.

And just like that, we’re already back at Dragonstone. I love how fast time flies when there are only three weeks left to wrap up the entire show. All in all, this episode has been smooth. Too smooth. People are hooking up. Marriage is being thrown around willy nilly. Missandei and Greyworm are holding hands AND smiling. Which means we should have all expected what came next: the death of a dragon.

Euron and his fleet lay waiting to ambush Dany and Co, and they brought some giant dragon slaying crossbows with them. They shoot Rhaegal out of the sky no problem, and he plummets to the ocean below. Is this a metaphor? It feels like a metaphor.

Dany flies off into the distance to protect Drogon, her last dragon, leaving Euron to turn his attention towards her ships. He starts skewering them left and right with giant harpoons, and Tyrion is forced to jump overboard to escape. Cut to the shore, where Varys, Tyrion and Greyworm have dragged themselves to dry land, followed by a handful of their soldiers. Missandei is nowhere to be found, at which point the panic starts to set in.

In King’s Landing, Cersei is gathering the people inside the walls of the Red Keep in preparation for Dany’s attack. For a second you think she’s doing it to be a kind and benevolent ruler, until you realize that she’s actually just going to use them as a human shield between herself and the oncoming army. It’s nice that she’s not even pretending to have a soul anymore.

Euron is by her side, and she celebrates his victory at sea by telling him that she’s pregnant with his child. Remember when I was like “wow are we really worried about whatever Cersei is going to pull after all that White Walker nonsense?” Well the answer is yes, we are, because we pan out to see that she’s taken Missandei prisoner. Apparently this woman truly is scarier than an army of zombies.

In the war room at Dragonstone, Varys gets real with Dany. He thinks their plan is a mistake; innocent lives are on the line, and slaughtering them all to get to Cersei is bad optics, not to mention just bad for like, humanity. Dany reminds Varys that she’s going to rid the world of tyrants, no matter the cost. Apparently even if the cost is…becoming a tyrant. Irony is fun.

Tyrion takes a softer stance than Varys, but one that is still prioritizes negotiations over all-out bloodshed. Against all odds it works, and Dany agrees that people should see that she tried to avoid slaughtering an entire city full of bystanders and that it was actually Cersei who forced her hand. Not sure if that’s how it will be received, but it’s a nice thought.

Varys and Tyrion gather for their second discussion RE: Dany might be the Mad King. Varys may have been skeptical before, but he’s now fully in favor of Jon, who he believes should be on the Iron Throne precisely for the reasons that Tyrion thinks he shouldn’t: because he doesn’t want it. Putting a man who does not seek power in charge, and a Targaryen/Stark at that, is their best bet at peace in Westeros.

Varys lays down the facts – Jon is the true heir, better suited to rule, and is in possession of a penis, something that they’ll need to sway the Lords of Westeros. Wait, are they talking about the 2020 election? Sounds familiar.

Tyrion: I believe in our queen.
Tyrion: Wholeheartedly.
Tyrion: No doubts here.
Also Tyrion: Chugs a gallon of wine.

The conversation ends at an impasse. Varys brings back his tried and true line: that his only alliance is to the realm and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep it safe. We stan a true chaotic neutral.

News of Cersei’s attack has reached Winterfell, and if Sansa wasn’t anti-Dany before, she sure is now. The news rocks Jaime, who sneaks out of his room in the middle of the night to make his way to King’s Landing, leaving a sleeping Brienne in his bed. She follows him out to the yard, tells him he’s a good man, and then goes full Meredith Grey on him, throwing down a “pick me, choose me, love me.” It works out about as well as her as it did for Meredith.

Jaime may love Brienne, but he hates himself more. He goes on to list all the horrible things he’s done for Cersei which are, to be fair, numerous. It seems like Brienne takes this as confirmation that he’s going back to be with her, but I read it differently. Jaime knows that he’s the only one who can stop Cersei, and he’s going to go do it. He also knows that he’ll probably die in the process. Is this the last time they see each other alive? Probably. Am I okay? Absolutely not.

Outside the gates of King’s Landing, Dany, Tyrion, Varys, Greyworm, and a handful of Unsullied are lined up, ready to begin negotiations. Cersei, Euron, the Mountain, and Missandei watch from the ramparts, giant crossbows at the ready.  Qyburn exits the gate to deliberate with Tyrion, and the both lay out their terms: unconditional surrender on both sides, with Missandei’s life on the line. Tyrion tries to reason with his sister’s Hand, hoping to avoid all out warfare. It is, as was expected, ineffective.

Tyrion: I really don’t want to hear the sounds of children burning alive.
Qyburn: Funny because that’s literally my ringtone.

Tyrion quickly tires of speaking to the mouthpiece and moves forward to address his sister directly. She doesn’t have him immediately shot down, which seems like a step in the right direction, but it’s short-lived.

You know things are going downhill when Tyrion opens with “I know you’re not a monster.” If there’s one thing Cersei loves more than being a monster, it’s proving Tyrion wrong. She listens in a manner that almost appears thoughtful while Tyrion appeals to her more tender nature: being a mother. It’s a cute attempt, but one that ultimately fails. And what do his efforts get him? A dead Missandei.

Cersei allows Missandei some last words, which is a shouted “Dracarys” across the open space between her and her friends. For one fleeting, hopeful second, I thought it might spur Drogon to action, but then remembered the crossbows. The dragon is no Jon Snow, and stays a safe distance back.

The Mountain steps forward to decapitate Missandei, and in that moment you can see Dany’s resolve to burn King’s Landing to the ground solidify, innocents be damned. Remember that time Greyworm was happy? That one time? No more. We’ve been set up for a bloodbath next week, and I, for one, am not ready.

MVB: Varys

We all need a friend who’s ready to tell the hard truths, and that’s Varys. He’s out here fighting for the people of Westeros and campaigning against incest, probably the first person in this entire show to accomplish both tasks. He’ll likely die by fire for his efforts, but at least he’s trying.

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5 ‘Game Of Thrones’ Couples We Ship

It’s no secret that the relationships in Game of Thrones are…messy. You thought dating in New York was rough? Welcome to the Seven Kingdoms, where you might accidentally fall in love with your aunt and be none the wiser. Yikes. Awkward that we all spent seasons shipping a nephew and his aunt. If only the Lords and Ladies of Westeros had a dating app like Ship, maybe they’d spend more time hooking up with their local (not blood related) hotties rather than plotting the death of everyone around them. Or like, maybe that could stop all the incest. Maybe??? 

But since Ship doesn’t exist in the Westeros, we’ve gone ahead and decided what the ideal Game of Thrones pairs would be for them. All of the following matches ignore current relationships on the show and operate in a blissful world where no one has died and the Battle of Winterfell didn’t devastate us beyond repair. I’m not ready to talk about it.

Robb Stark & Margaery Tyrell

Admittedly, this started as an aesthetic pairing more than anything else. Robb and Margaery would have been the hottest couple in Westeros, full stop. But the more I think about it, the better this couple becomes. Maybe Robb’s dumb ass would have stayed alive if he had had someone as cunning and manipulative as Margaery by his side. The might of the Starks and the scheming of the Tyrell’s working together against the Lannisters? Cersei is shaking. Sure, Margaery would have frozen to death at Winterfell in those Nasty Gal cutout dresses of hers, but love comes with sacrifice. 

Cersei Lannister & Oberyn Martell

Okay, hear me out. Yes, these two despise each other. Yes, there’s a lot of baggage there. Yes, Cersei indirectly murdered Oberyn and much of his family, but to be fair she’s indirectly murdered a lot of people. I think all of that could be overcome, based solely on the blatant sexual tension that existed between these two on screen. Perhaps this could have something to do with the rumors that Lena Heady and Pedro Pascal are an item in real life, but I think it goes even beyond that. They’d be the couple that fights constantly just so they can have over the top make up sex, and I, for one, would be okay with that.  

Sansa Stark & Podrick Payne

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my true dream for Sansa is that she survives all the sh*t that’s about to happen and goes on to live a long, fulfilling, single life with zero men and one hundred wolves by her side. Just the Lady of Winterfell, existing in total peace, surrounded by her pack of loyal dogs. However, if I had to pair her with anyone, it would be Sex God Podrick Payne. After years of relentless mental and physical abuse, our girl Sansa has earned a lifetime of good dick and being sung to sleep, two areas that we know Podrick can deliver in. 

Yara Greyjoy & Daenerys Targaryen

The lesbian power couple that Westeros needs. Remember the raging sexual tension? The cavalier marriage proposal? The smirks? This one writes itself. I give Daenerys one more week of Jon’s brooding before she flies off to the Iron Islands to live a zombie-free life with her girlfriend. 

Jaime & Literally Anyone Who Isn’t His Sister 

Obviously Brienne is my first choice here, but I’m not going to be picky. Let’s do some quick math and breakdown just how many people Jaime could be sleeping with that aren’t his sister. According to a series of fan blogs and what appears to be an insane amount of research into populations and migration habits and world building, it is estimated that there are around 40 million people in Westeros.  Even if there are 1 million distantly related Lannisters (there aren’t), that leaves 39 million people for Jaime to be in a relationship with. If we continue to operate under the assumption that Jaime is straight, as he’s never given us any indication otherwise, and cut that number in half, we’re down to 19.5 million. Now let’s assume that only a third of those women are viable contenders age-wise for Jaime, which brings us to about 6.5 million. Maybe only 1% of those 6.5 million are in a high enough class to land the great Ser Jaime Lannister. I get it, he’s not going to end up with a commoner. That still leaves him 65,000 options. 

I ship Jaime with literally any of them over his twin sister. Unfortunately, all we can do IRL is watch Game of Thrones and hope we make it out with at least one successful relationship. But if you’re a person who would rather take a more active role in the love lives of those around you, download Ship, where you can find matches for your friends and family, and get to shipping in a nonfictional and productive way.  

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