I am 24 years old, and up until recently, I thought I knew how to wash my face. Like, I thought the face wash I was using was AMAZING. And it was, it really was. I was obsessed. But after a lovely facial at Massage Envy, I found out from my esthetician that the face wash I was using is not right for my skin type, and it was actually making my skin really irritated. I didn’t even notice. You may think you’re using the right face wash, but you could be wrong. *Gretchen Wieners voice* I always knew my skin was sensitive but had no idea face wash could possibly be harmful to me. Especially because it’s not like I felt it stinging or ripping my face off. So she told me exactly which type of face wash I needed. I got it, and it DOES feel so much gentler on my skin. My mind was blown, and I decided I needed to ask about the correct face washes for each skin type on behalf of y’all. You’re welcome.

Do not waste any more time using a product that is making your skin worse. I asked a few simple questions for each skin type: What type of face wash you should be using, which face products you should be avoiding, other easy steps you can take to make your skin better, what you’re doing that’s making your skin worse, and which facial is best for your skin type. And to make sure I got an expert opinion, I consulted Diana Morrison, the lead esthetician of Massage Envy. She’s the HBIC who told us 3 easy things we can do for healthier skin.

Skin Type: Well-Balanced Or ‘Normal’ Skin

What type of face wash should I use: Look for a middle of the road cleanser that doesn’t contain harsh exfoliants or too many moisturizing ingredients. A person with normal skin should look for a gentle foamy cleanser. This will allow them to cleanse their skin and remove impurities without stripping the skin of its natural moisture. To take the skin to the next level, I recommend a hydrating toner. This will add additional nourishment and vitamins to keep the skin as healthy as possible.

What types of face products should I avoid: For normal skin, the key is to be gentle. Avoid using aggressive scrubs that will over exfoliate the skin and leave it irritated and dry. The goal is to maintain balance.

Is there anything easy I could be doing that could make my skin better?:  The ABC method is essential for people with normal skin. The A, is a vitamin A, like a retinol for use at night. This can help promote cellular rejuvenation while we sleep and keep skin youthful. The B is a broad-spectrum sunscreen. Everyone should be wearing an SPF 30 every day. Even if you are not spending a lot of time outside, it is important to protect your skin. Try to look for a sunscreen that has extra benefits like hydration, or a moisturizer that has SPF. C is for Vitamin C, which is essential for healthy skin. I recommend using a Vitamin C day serum. Vitamin C is essential for the production of collagen, which is the building block of our skin.

Anything I might be doing that could be making my skin worse?: The most important thing is to find balance in your skincare. Have fun with your regimen, but don’t over do it. At home, face masks can be beneficial, but over exfoliating will leave the skin dry and flakey. It’s also important to not pick at breakouts and spread bacteria. You should also avoid tanning. There are many disadvantages to tanning but what most people don’t know is that the UVA and UVB rays activate enzymes that eat away at the collagen in the skin. Collagen is the building block of the skin and essential for maintaining a youthful, plump, healthy complexion.

What type of facial is best for me: Someone with normal skin should look for a vitamin-rich facial to rejuvenate, nourish, and refresh skin. At Massage Envy, our Healthy Skin Facials incorporate Murad’s Multi-Vitamin Infusion Oil to give skin a dose of vitamins A-F.

Skin Type: Dry

What type of face wash should I use: Someone with dry skin should stick to a creamy cleanser. It is important to gently cleanse the skin without stripping away oils. Infusing hydration with a cleanser will also help keep the skin nourished. Micellar water can be used as an alternative cleanser for dry skin.

What types of face products should I avoid: It is best to avoid mattifying products that are meant to dry out the skin. Salicylic acid has a lot of benefits but is simply too harsh for someone with dry skin. Stay away from anything that will accentuate dryness. Even when using makeup, heavy powders will dull out the skin. For the best results, use products that add luminosity and give a healthy glow.

Is there anything easy I could be doing that could make my skin better?: Facial oils can be a lifesaver for people with dry skin. Using the right amount in the morning will allow the oil to absorb into the skin, giving a plumping and luminous glow. It is also important to moisturize often and drink a lot of water. Healthy skin can start from the inside out.

Anything I might be doing that could be making my skin worse?: Over-exfoliating is dry skin’s worst nightmare. A lot of people with dry and flaky skin try to over exfoliate it to get rid of dead skin cells. But in reality, they should be moisturizing and hydrating internally and externally.

What type of facial is best for me: A healthy skin facial works best for people with dry skin. Enzyme facials yield amazing results. The enzymes act like pacman and gently digest the old, dead surface cells on the skin. This allows moisturizers to absorb better and help with an overall healthy glow.

Skin Type: Oily

What type of face wash should I use: Foam cleansers work best for people with oily skin to remove oil, makeup, and sunscreen. Look for foam cleansers with lactic acid and salicylic acid. They remove impurities and tend to be a bit more drying, which helps control oil production while leaving the skin feeling clean.

What types of face products should I avoid: When it comes to oily skin, it is all about finding a balance in oil production. Anything too occlusive will not let your skin breathe and can lead to clogged pores and acne.

Is there anything easy I could be doing that could make my skin better?: For oily skin, I recommend a corrective serum. Topical products with AHAs like glycolic acid or lactic acid work throughout the day to help dissolve buildup and impurities in the skin. Salicylic acid also has many benefits. It helps balance the skin while acting as an anti-bacterial to effectively kill breakouts.

Anything I might be doing that could be making my skin worse?: The worst thing for oily, acne prone skin is to pick at breakouts. Most of the time, our bodies detoxify the breakout internally and can clear it up on its own. However, if you do decide to manually extract a breakout, make sure the skin is soft. It is important to be as safe and clean as possible when extracting breakouts. A misconception about oily skin is that you do not need a moisturizer. However, people with oily skin need the balance of a squeaky-clean feel and moisture. I recommend a lightweight, water-based moisturizer that will leave the skin looking balanced and healthy.

What type of facial is best for me: Massage Envy’s Microderm Infusion treatment is effective for people with oily skin who do not have active breakouts.

Skin Type: Combination Skin

What type of face wash should I use: For combination skin, it is important to treat the dry and oily parts of the skin differently. I recommend a double cleanse. First, use a light, foamy cleanser that is not too drying. Then, use a corrective cleanser with a benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid to treat oily and congested areas. The cleansers are most effective when paired with a corrective toner.

What types of face products should I avoid: With combination skin, it is important to find a balance. I do not recommend using anything that is too drying or too moisturizing.

Is there anything easy I could be doing that could make my skin better?: I recommend using a corrective serum. Anything with glycolic acid AHA works well with combination skin. I would pair this with a light moisturizer that is water-based and nourishing.

Anything I might be doing that could be making my skin worse?: Using any product that treats one extreme or another can have negative results on the skin.

What type of facial is best for me: A chemical exfoliation helps yield the best results for combination skin. Massage Envy offers Healthy Skin Facials that are personalized for the client’s skincare needs. Microderm Infusions also work to give a gentle exfoliation and clear the surface of dead skin cells.

About Diana Morrison (Lead Esthetician of Massage Envy):

Diana Morrison is the Lead Esthetician of Massage Envy. She has been a dual licensed massage therapist and esthetician for over 10 years. Diana has practiced in multiple modalities, including both spa and clinical treatments, such as highly experiential facial and body wrap treatments, advanced skin care such as microdermabrasion with a chemical peel, dermaplaning, high frequency.

Welcome to skin care diaries, a new Betches segment, where we explore the reality (or not) of sticking to an elaborate skin care routine and how well it works.

Two things happened when I turned 25 years old. One, I tumbled into an immediate pit of existential despair because I had been alive for a quarter of a century and had yet to establish myself as a wunderkind in any field. Two, I started giving a sh*t about my skin. There might have been some other stuff in there, but those are the two that stick out.

Up until that point, I’d never been someone who actively pursued skin care. Like, sure, I washed my face in the shower and sometimes before bed if the simple act of removing my makeup hadn’t already exhausted me, but that was about as extensive as it got. I was more disciplined about sunscreen application than my friends, but definitely not as on top of it as I should have been. Because, it bears mentioning, I am pale as hell. We’re not talking “one base burn away from a tan” pale or “it’s the middle of February and everyone kind of looks like that pale.” We’re talking the kind of pale that would have made me outrageously popular in the Victorian era, but made growing up in Southern California a veritable health hazard.

After years spent trying to tan at all costs, suffering more sunburns than I can count, and doing God knows how much damage to my skin, I came to terms with the fact that a golden summer glow just wasn’t going to happen for me. But it still took a few years after that to realize that, if I started playing my cards right, I could maintain my youthful complexion for years to come while my friends all slowly withered away into leather bags. Or, at least, that’s what I told myself as I proceeded to drop hundreds of dollars in the name of establishing a skin care routine.

Me: *Spends countless hours and way too much money on skincare products*
My wallet:

After much trial and error, and a few allergic reactions, I have found a regimen that I’m decently happy with. In fact, I can say with absolute certainty that at the ripe old age of 26 and a half, my skin has never looked better. Not perfect, but better than I ever could have imagined as a shiny, perpetually rosy-faced 16-year-old.

I still come home some nights drunk exhausted and do the bare minimum before falling into bed. My chin still breaks out from time to time. There’s a little more discoloration in places than I’d like, because I will never truly rid myself of the pink undertones bestowed upon me by centuries of ancestors who apparently never saw the sun. But most days I’m comfortable leaving the house without a stich of foundation—something I couldn’t have said two years ago.

What are my secrets? I’ll tell you, under the pretense that I make it very clear that I am not a dermatologist. I am not a skin care professional. I am not a person with any authority on any face but my own. But I’m hoping that by recording one week of my routine, I can at least shed light on the beauty that is skin care. My very own Pay It Forward, but hopefully without me getting stabbed in the end. We’ll see.

My Routine

For starters, let’s outline the routine. It’s fairly basic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to talk myself out of one or two steps at least once a day. I do the following both in the morning and at night:

Face wash: Cetaphil Daily Facial Cleanser for Normal to Oily Skin. I’ve tried more expensive stuff that’s been great, but Cetaphil is cheap, reliable, and it doesn’t dry out my skin. Sometimes I’ll experiment with Birchbox samples that I get, but I always end up coming back to Cetaphil.

Toner: Thayer’s Rose Petal Witch Hazel. I pour a liberal amount on a cotton round and cover every inch of my face in it. Not only is this good for your skin, but it feels amazing. I would bathe in it if that was even slightly economically viable.

Serum: The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5. The Ordinary is a skincare mecca, and it’s outrageously cheap. The downside is that the names aren’t the least bit intuitive and require a fair amount of research to understand, but it’s worth it. I also use their Serum Foundation, and can’t recommend it enough. Sure, the founder is certifiably insane, but he’s delivering quality products at a price I can afford. Pick your battles, you know? Hyaluronic Acid, despite what the name may imply, is actually a moisturizer. I slather my face and chest in it morning and night, which is the closest I get to hydration on any given day. It’ll feel a little sticky as it dries, but that dissipates fairly quickly. What’s left is baby smooth skin and an unwarranted sense of superiority. Relish in it.

Moisturizer: Boots No.7 Beautiful Skin Day Cream – Normal/Oily. Much like Cetaphil, this is more a purchase of convenience than anything else. It works well, it’s affordable by most moisturizer standards, and it doesn’t leave me feeling oily. I could probably find one I like better, but I’m not desperate to search at the moment.

Sunscreen: Either La Roche-Posay Anthelios Ultra Light SPF 60 or Sun Bum Original SPF 50. I wear sunscreen on my face from the second the sun appears in the spring until it goes into hiding in the fall. In Portland this runs from about mid-June through to the end of October, which can get expensive. To try and combat that, I’ll switch between La Roche-Posay, an expensive option that feels less sticky under makeup for work days, and Sun Bum, which is a drugstore-priced option without all the gross chemicals that come with Banana Boat or Coppertone.

Monday

If we’re being honest here, there are a lot of mornings where I’ll skip the Cetaphil and move straight to toning. But in honor of the first day of my skin care diaries, I actually washed my face before work. I do it for you.

Monday was the last day of the life-cycle of a truly heinous PMS-induced breakout on my chin, so I was still feeling a bit self-conscious. My foundation is super light and not made for that kind of coverage, but nothing some green concealer can’t fix.

I came home that night and followed my routine through without incident. I dabbed on an eye cream sample for good measure, because I figured overcompensating on the first day would make up for whatever mishaps I incurred throughout the week.

My skin to me:

Tuesday

Much like the rest of the world, Portland is in the middle of a heat wave. This is miserable for all the reasons you would imagine, with the added benefit that my 100-year-old apartment has no air conditioning. It gets so hot and humid in here that my roommate and I have started referring to it as the Everglades. Over the course of Tuesday, I break out the Witch Hazel no less than five times, because those split seconds of cool relief were the most comforting part of my entire day.

I kept to the routine on Tuesday except for one small divergence. That night I slept at a friend’s house, because she had the foresight to live somewhere with AC. Not only did she graciously usher me into her chilly oasis, but she let me use her Glamglow Face Wash, and in a moment of weakness I truly considered driving to Sephora and buying my own. Sure, it’s $32 a bottle and smells vaguely of licorice, but I don’t think there was an impurity left in my body after using it. If I washed my liver in Glamglow it would probably revert back to the state it was in before I discovered wine. It’s a miracle and truly worth a splurge on your next treat yo’self occasion.

Wednesday & Thursday

Both Wednesday and Thursday went by without incident. My chin was newly blemish-free, my skin was thriving in the sudden overcast weather, and I was feeling overtly confident having stuck fastidiously to my regimen over the past couple days. Which naturally meant disaster had to strike.

Friday

I made the mistake Friday of signing up for a 6am workout class. Nothing good ever comes from this, but every few weeks I convince myself it’s what healthy people do. Healthy people also probably responsibly pack a bag the night before rather than blindly racing around their room at 5:30 in the morning, haphazardly throwing things in a duffle bag before sprinting out the door.

I made it through the class and directly to the shower, only to find that I had forgotten both my Cetaphil and my toner. Panic set in. I couldn’t use my serum without washing my face. What was I, an animal?

Not content with just water but afraid to use shampoo, I made do with the only thing I had at my disposal: an Old Spice body wash that someone had left behind in the studio shower. It didn’t feel great, probably wrecked my clog-prone pores, and left my face smelling like my ex-boyfriend. In short, not an ideal start to the day.

I got home that night hellbent on righting the mistakes of the morning and (after thoroughly washing my face) broke out my favorite face mask: the Lush Cup O’ Coffee mask. I fully recognize that 90% of face mask culture is a total farce, something shiny and fun to spend your money on in the vain attempt at making you feel like you’re investing in yourself. I get that most are just oily messes that sit on top of your skin and do nothing but make you smell like an assortment of plants. But none of that is not true of this mask.

Not only does Cup O’ Coffee leave you smelling like, you guessed it, a cup of coffee, but it’s one of the single best exfoliators I’ve ever encountered. Apply liberally, let it sit for 15 minutes, and then scrub away for skin so fresh it’s like you just emerged from the womb. The gritty, lightly brown stained mess it leaves all over your sink is well worth the baby-soft face that you’ll spend the rest of the night caressing. I typically reserve this ritual for Sunday nights, as a way to set myself up for the week, but Friday called for it. I was back on track.

Saturday

I spent Saturday in a cabin up at Mt. Hood with a group of friends and partook in a bunch of activities that are great for your body, but arguably not for your skin. I spent a substantial amount of time in the sun, likely without adequate coverage. I sweat more than I’d like to admit on a hike that could best be described as a well-meaning walk, then neglected to wash my face. I drank a lot—good for neither skin nor body but great for the soul. I ate kettle corn by the gallon full. And then, after a long night, I crawled into bed, made a half-hearted attempt at toning some of the grime off my face with only the moonlight and my phone to guide me, and then fell asleep. Best laid plans and all that.

Sunday

On Sunday I woke up, face sticky from a mixture of what I imagine was margarita, kettle corn, and haphazard toning, feeling slightly guilty and a little hungover.

I washed my face and set out to right the wrongs of the night before with extra serum and moisturizer, which definitely isn’t how that works but I let myself believe it anyway.

I washed my face again upon returning home and then covered every possible inch of it with the Glossier Moisturizing Moon Mask. I don’t know why I approach skin retribution the way overcompensating, sh*tty boyfriends try to win back their girlfriends after a fight, but it’s probably just as effective. That is to say, it is not at all effective. I went to bed still feeling the effects of a day full of sugar and without any semblance of skin care, dreaming of kettle corn. So, a fairly average end to a weekend.

As you can see, I’m nowhere near perfect in this department. But what I’ve found is that doing something, no matter how minimal, is better than nothing at all. Sure, it can be tedious and expensive. Yeah, packing for overnight trips is kind of a pain. And yes, I’ve hyperventilated in the Sephora moisturizer section on more than one occasion. But barring some kind of Kardashian level of cosmetic assistance, you’re stuck with your skin for the rest of your life. Much like the 401k emails from HR you keep ignoring, it’s probably time to invest in it*.

*Disclaimer: I am even more unqualified to offer advice on 401k’s. Do not take my word for anything.

I am open to suggestions for a new moisturizer, so hit that comments section if you have any.

Images: Giphy (4)

Ok, so, after some procrastination at work internet digging, we’ve discovered that you can make your face look more toned by moving your head around and being bougie while you do it (I paraphrase). It’s called face yoga, and it’s apparently a real thing. Hear me out. According to an interview with Birchbox, Meghan Markle—ever heard of her?—is a YUGE fan of face yoga or “facial massage techniques,” and credits it with her toned-looking and wrinkle-free visage, which got us to pay attention.

In said interview, Meghan said:

“I do facial exercises from one of my favorite aestheticians, Nicola Joss, who basically has you sculpt your face from the inside out. I swear it works, as silly as you may feel. On the days I do it, my cheekbones and jawline are waaaay more sculpted.”

So, there you have it—and if it’s good enough for the future princess or whatever her title will be, it’s good enough for me. Apparently, doing these face yoga exercises can strengthen your face muscles and, therefore, relax lines and tension that can cause you to look tired. Here are the three funniest best face yoga exercises we found from Harpers Bazaar, Marie Clare, and the New York Times.

1. Stretch Your Eyes Like A Weirdo

Take your index finger and thumb and stretch your eyes, making a C shape. Your index finger should be on your eyebrow and your thumb on your cheek. Pull down with your index finger while trying to raise your eyebrows and make your eyes super wide. Hold, then repeat. Apparently this will make your forehead look better, although you’ll look really fucking stupid doing it.

Like this, but much different.

2. Crane Your Neck To Search For Drama

Look straight ahead with your chin center and level. Then turn your head to the right so that your chin is directly over your right shoulder and even, then tilt your head back. Return forward and repeat with the other side. Do this until you give up or feel hotter, whichever comes first.

3. Pretend To Give A Blow Job

Hide your teeth with your lips, make an O shape with your mouth, then smile as wide as you can while keeping your teeth hidden. You’ll look really fucking stupid, but this will help with cheek wrinkles or saggy skin.

May smooth skin, princes, and blessings be upon you.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy(2)

Another day, another way to improve myself. Whether it’s eating or skin care or wearing things that don’t make me look fat, 2018 is already so full of advice. Well now, there’s a new way to get baby smooth skin—it’s called dermaplaning and it involves shaving your face. *Shudders* Every day we stray further from God’s light.

OK, so, like, first off, I didn’t even know wtf dermaplaning was until last week. I should probably tune in to the trends more often, since I’m the voice of a generation and all. Turns out, shaving your face to exfoliate is big business. Whether you’re doing this shit yourself or paying a fancy doctor to do it for you, chances are it’s totally good for your skin. Allegedly. But you, the average Betches reader, probs doesn’t know wtf I’m talking about. Allow me to explain and like, enlighten you.

WTF Is Dermaplaning?

So, dermaplaning—according to Cosmo—is literally using (or having a doctor use) a surgical scalpel to gently scrape off any dead skin cells or “peach fuzz” on the surface of your face. It’s a super effective exfoliating treatment and is apparently all the fucking rage these days. It’s like shaving your face, but more bougie.

Lemme just exfoliate, betch.

Can I Do This Or Will It Fuck Me Up, Fam?

Yah, pretty much anyone with any skin type can dermplane. Myths abound that, like any kind of “shaving”, your hair will grow back thicker, darker, and scarier. This isn’t fucking true, according to Bustle, and your hair will grow back exactly the same as before. Also, it doesn’t hurt and won’t cause breakouts.

How Much Will This Shit Cost Me?

I meaaaaaaaaaan, it honestly depends on where you go and how you do this shit. For a REAL dermaplaning tool (no, you can’t use a regular razor), it’ll set you back around $75, and you totally can’t put a price on beauty. If you’re nervous, go to a dermatologist for a real appointment. That’ll probably set you back a couple hundred bucks, but every place is different. Maybe they’re having a sale—idfk. Given that I cut my legs every time I shave and I’ve been doing that since I was 11, I wouldn’t trust myself with a razor to the face, but ya know, to each her own.

I identify a lot with this cat

Why Am I Shaving My Face?

There are literally tons of benefits to dermaplaning. According to Elle, hairless skin helps all the shit you’re layering on your face—from anti-wrinkle creams to acne shit to moisturizer to even your makeup—go on smoother. Plus, you’re literally unclogging your pores by dermaplaning since it’s getting rid of that dead skin buildup we all know and love.

Moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty

Will My Skin Be #Flawless?

Yes and no. If you’re going for a legit treatment, like, at a doctor’s office, chances are your skin is going to be hella red and dry for a few hours after. It’ll be a good night to sit in solitude, is what I’m saying. This is the time to rub in some vitamin C serums and other good-for-you shit since your face is like, super prime to absorb it. Afterwards, though, you’ll have mega-soft skin that you may not even need an Insta filter for. PRAISE JESUS.

May the odds and your skin be like, ever in your favor.

Images: Giphy (3)

I have seen a lot of disturbing shit go down in 2017, like Blac Chyna’s nipples posted on my morning newsfeed and people trying to make just sucked dick lips snogged lips happen. But nothing is more disturbing to me than what teenagers with an Instagram account are doing to their eyebrows. I mean, barbed wire eyebrows? Fucking BROW carving? Lord, Jesus, why must you test me with the extraness? It’s like people are just asking for me to report their Instagram selfies as offensive images to Instagram HQ. Sighs. Like, don’t these kids know that eyebrows are sacred and a part of me that I only share with my most trusted allies the person I pay way too much to craft my brows into a basic shape?? Fucking youths. And look, I too have come a long way in the eyebrow department since the current eyebrow trend. I can’t just vaguely gesture to my face when I talk to my brow girl anymore. No, I have to have some sort of a plan. Considering that, honestly, my skills stretch about as far as knowing the best wine for under $12 and how to alienate people with my dark sense of humor, figuring out the best brow look for me took some Googling extensive research.  If you, like me, have no fucking clue what your face shape is, much less what kind of eyebrow structure will go good with it, then you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a guide on how to make your eyebrows look better than your Labor Day Weekend beach body based on your face shape:

Oval Shaped

Oval faces resemble an upside-down egg, and if you’re still unsure as to if that description fits your facial structure then I suggest holding up an egg to your face in a mirror for a side-by-side comparison. Then Snap me that entire journey of self-reflection. I could use a good laugh at another person’s expense win today, thx. Your best brow look is going to be a slightly arched brow. It’s a simple, yet classic look and it’ll match the perfect proportions of your face shape, you lucky bitch. Make sure the arch of your eyebrow begins two thirds of the way out. And DO NOT put the arch in the middle of your brow lest you end up with McDonald’s golden arches on your face. That said, I’m just going to leave this cautionary message here:

Square Shaped

If your face is equally long as it is wide then congratulations, you have a square-shaped face. The good news is your face has got angles for days and I wouldn’t be surprised if you think you’re a model on Instagram. The bad news is even though your bone structure is on point, you can’t get batshit with your brow game. You’ll want to go for a softer, rounded brow so as to soften the lines of your face. Let’s not forget the depressing tale of this “Obamacare victim” (lol) who was definitely actually a victim of some very bad brow advice: 

Heart Shaped

If you’re looking for a celeb comparison for this one, think Kourtney Kardashian. Heart-shaped faces tend to have a widow’s peak, their cheeks are wider than their hairline, and their chin is narrow AF. Again, even though bold brows are in, you’ll want to cool it with your extraness lest you scare children away with your eyebrows. A well-groomed brow is your go-to brow as it will balance out your petite jawline and emphasis the upper half of your face. The goal here is to create a shape that’s controlled, but you don’t want your brows to be thinner than my will to live or Sandy Cohen bushy. It’s a fine line you must walk so good fucking luck with it.

We’ll pray for you, Sethelah.

Round Shaped

You’re probs that friend who always gets carded at bars and isn’t allowed to try the free samples at Costco without a parent present thanks to the psychopaths who run the free samples booth who just assume you are a child. *takes slow, calming breath* Congratulations because you, my friend, have a baby face round-shaped face. Because you have no angles or definition to your face, a high arch is the perfect brow shape for you. It’ll make you look like you actually have a bone structure and maybe those tyrants at Costco will finally let you have a free sample. PRAISE.

^^Actual footage of me trying to get a free sample at Costco

Diamond Shaped

Diamond-shaped faces are unique AF.  The hairline is more narrow than the cheeks and the chin is slightly pointed, giving these blessed people all sorts of fun angles to work with in their selfies. If it sounds like you might have a diamond-shaped face then I recommend a curved or rounded brow shape. It’ll make the widest part of your face look less wide and create a sense of balance and symmetry. 

READ: What Guys Really Think Of Your Eyebrows

I’m gonna go out on a whim and say that makeup remover should be free like the tampons I have to buy once a goddamn month. It’s not my fault that a Game of Thrones episode occurs in my uterus 12 times a fucking year. Just like it’s not my fault that I wasn’t naturally born to be like, a YouTube beauty guru and get my winged eyeliner right on the first try. Doing your makeup is one thing, but doing it right is quite another. Not only are you forced to spend hundreds buying top-notch shit, but you also have to buy stuff to take that shit off. Will I ever have enough makeup remover on hand to account for all the times I fuck up my contour? With the way my life is going (being that it’s August and I’m still poor and haven’t left the U.S.), I’m thinking no. But, with Google saving the day once again, I’ve learned that you can use shit in your kitchen as makeup remover. Reason #1234 why I love food. From oil to milk (just stay with me on this), here’s what’ll get that waterproof lipstick off when you’re too lazy to go to the Duane Reade down the block Neutrogena fails you.

1. Vegetable Oil

This might sound weird since we usually want to stay as far away as possible from an oily face, but surprisingly, this works like you wouldn’t believe. If you combine one tablespoon each of olive oil, canola oil, and castor oil, you have a concoction that will take off even the most stubborn mascara. Veggie oils like these are actually really good for your skin because their ~healthy~ nutrients help moisturize and strengthen even the most sensitive skin types.

2. Petroleum Jelly aka like, Vaseline

Raise your hand if you have ever been called a slut stuck wearing some dark emo lipstick for days because you just couldn’t get it off for the life of you. Mhm, girl. Same because fuck you, Kylie. When every lotion in Ulta and 10 face wipes won’t do the trick, just rub a little bit of vaseline on your lips and voilà. Chapped lips and emo persona be gone.

3. Avocado

Name something avocado can’t do. Go ahead, I’ll wait. They’re good to eat, good for your hair, good for your skin… I’m just saying, not all superheroes wear capes. You don’t even have to smear this across your face to get your makeup off, so cut it in half (or, put a slice to the side you were planning on eating anyway) and swipe a Q-tip on it. The oil from this fruit—*still coming to grips with avocado being a fruit*—will take your makeup off easier than you’ve ever seen and help your face at the same time.

4. Whole Milk

This is one you probably least expected to use on your face. Oddly enough, the proteins in whole milk help hydrate and retain natural oils so you don’t dry the fuck out. Dab some on a cotton ball and use where needed to remove makeup and feel fresh AF. And then maybe go take a shower so your face doesn’t smell like dairy that’s been left out. Just sayin’.

5. Honey And Baking Soda

This is a facial mask/cleanser/remover all in one. Add equal parts of raw honey (not the shit you get in a bear bottle) and baking soda into a bowl. Nothing crazy, like, half a teaspoon works. Make it into a paste and gently scrub. This works as a natural cleanser, moisturizer, and dark spot eraser for all the tough spots. I don’t blame you for making this your new facial mask, honey boo boo child.

READ: 7 Wine And Face Mask Pairings For A Night Of Treating Yourself
 

Is anyone else feeling personally victimized by the weekend? Idk about you and your life but I just spent the last 48 hours sabotaging my health and happiness by living like a gluttonous asshole. My body/skin/bank account are all screaming at me to get better life habits, but you know, not everyone can be perfect a functioning human. And because I’m always looking for the easy way out I thought I’d put my journalistic skills to the test and see if my bad habits are really bad for me or just fake news. I’m going with the latter. And for once America’s dermatologists are not out to get me and are actually supporting my lazy-ass self because here are 7 bad habits that won’t sabotage your skin.

1. Drinking A Shit Ton Of Coffee

Dermatologists go back and forth as to if drinking coffee is actually detrimental to your skin, which I’m convinced is a direct attack on me and everything I hold dear. That being said, drinking coffee in “moderation” (lol) can be beneficial to you, as coffee has antioxidants in it and other chemicals that help fight Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, liver cancer, memory loss, and other scary shit. The bad news is if you’re one of those who shows up to Starbucks and is just like “fuck me up fam” to the barista (Hi) then you’re probs overdoing it with the coffee. And this is why we can’t have nice things.

2. Not Washing Your Face In The Morning

There are a lot of things that take priority in my morning routine—like snoozing my alarm for two hours and drinking enough caffeine to give a lesser human a heart attack—so, like, taking the time to wash my face in the morning takes the backseat most days. But, good news, my inability to keep a schedule is not sabotaging every aspect of my life like I originally thought it was. In fact, dermatologists say that there’s no real reason to wash your face in the morning, especially if you washed it the night before. A splash of water can be enough to refresh your skin most mornings. 

3. Sitting In Your Sweat

After I work out the first thing I want to do is consume twice the recommended amount of daily calories and the last thing I want to do is, like, take care of myself and shit. Like, I just spent the last 30 minutes Snapchatting on a mat pushing my body to the fucking limit sooo I think it’s time for me to do whatever tf I want. And you better believe I put off showering for as long as I can because at my core I am a garbage human. A lot of people The self-proclaimed makeup guru in your friend group assumes that sweat is terrible for your skin because it causes breakouts, but she assumes wrong. Like, just because you have steady hand and a Mac palette doesn’t mean you know WTF you’re talking about, CHERYL. Dermatologists say that a little bit of sweat can actually open up your pores and release dirt, so embrace your degenerate lazy lifestyle. 

^^^ Actual footage of me after a workout

4. Tanning

As someone who gets about as tan as Wednesday Addams I’ve been told my whole life to stay away from tanning, an obvious ploy to sabotage my summer selfies happiness. What my mother, physician, and my very tan, very condescending BFF from grade school didn’t tell me was that the sun’s rays can actually provide a healthy dose of Vitamin D, which can help prevent colds and flus and even more serious conditions like rickets. See, mother? Would you like me to have glowy skin or rickets?? That being said, if you plan to be outside for more than, like, an episode of The Office then you should def invest in some sunscreen because too much sun, as we all know, can give you wrinkles, skin cancer, and other generally undesirable shit. Tanning is really a double-edged sword. Sigh.

5.  Casually Drinking

First of all, I said casual drinking, as in the 2-3 glasses of wine you’ll consume tonight watching Rachel socialize with shameless fame whores try and find love, not the ratchet amount of vodka sodas you’re pounding on any given Saturday night. Moderate drinking can have some benefits for your skin, especially if your drink of choice is red wine because that shit has tons of antioxidants in it, which can improve wrinkles and lines, stimulate collagen production, and decrease the risk of skin cancer. Blessings.

6. Wearing Makeup All The Fucking Time

If you’re the aforementioned Cheryl in your friend group then you’re probably extra af when it comes to your makeup. Like, no one’s seen your real face since 2012 and you want to keep it that way. And while most people will try and get in the way of you living your best life by saying that all the makeup you wear is bad for your skin, you really shouldn’t listen to them because they are jealous and full of lies. Words I whisper to myself every morning. But seriously, that shit’s not true. In fact, there are plenty of benefits to wearing makeup every day. For example, products like foundation offer a protective barrier for skin, as well as SPF protection. Tbh if you have the patience to contour your face every damn day then, like, keep doing you. I applaud the effort.

7. Being Lazy AF With Your Beauty Regimen

If you’re anything like me then your beauty regimen consists of doing the bare fucking minimum 5 days of the week and treating your skin like Kim Kardashian at a photo shoot the other two days of the week (take a wild guess as to which days those are). But for once doing the least is actually beneficial to your skin. Getting extra with your skincare can fuck up your skin more than you think because it strips your skin of its natural oils, causing your body to overcompensate for the loss of moisture (/wetness/beauty). Plus if you’re more prone to breakouts you could be scarring your face with all of the exfoliating you do. Scarring. Your. Face. *shudders* NOPE. This is the face I present to the world my Instagram followers and I’m not about to fuck with that relationship so I think I’ll stick to doing the bare minimum, thx.