The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Last Day Of Amanda’s Childless Vacation

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!

Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.

Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.

Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.

What's The 411

^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn

Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.

Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.

So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!

Tickle Monster

Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.

Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?

LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?

DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.

ME: 

Threw Up In My Mouth

Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.

JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.

CHRISTEN: lol

Christen LOL

Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.

“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.

*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.

My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.

Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.

Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!

It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA?? 

Dean Unglert

I. AM. SHOOK.

Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:

Stupid

Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.

Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.

ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?

AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.

THE FANTASY SUITE DATE

The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.

Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.

Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.

Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.

GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?

Yes, yes you did.

Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.

Nick Turtleneck

AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE

Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did  Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.

Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.

Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.

CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?

DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.

CORINNE: I am also in therapy.

Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!

Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?

Popcorn

They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…

They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.

DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*

GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?

YES.

Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.

Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA. 

Hold My Earrings

That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.

And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids. 

Robby And Amanda

Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.

Read: Amanda Stanton Tweeted Out A Picture Of Robby Cheating On Her

Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.

The Twins

Screaming

Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.

CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?

DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?

And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.

So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open mind and an open heart. 

Raven And Adam Bachelor In Paradise

Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?

Whatever. I guess Derek has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.

Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.

The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here! 
 

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Week 2 Part 2 Recap You’ll Ever Read: DeMario Tells All Again

We’ve now moved on to Week 2, Night 2 and my tolerance for drunken beach hookups is running real fucking low. On an unrelated note, so is my wine.

Anyways, let’s pick back up where we left off with Kristina crying in a sand dune and Dean looking like a beautiful piece of shit. The camera work is really on point here. Well done, ABC.

Sarah walks into Paradise and immediately beelines for Raven’s man. I’m low-key worried for Sarah rn. Does she not remember that Raven has the pent-up emotions of a woman who has only ever orgasmed at the hands of a man with a lisp Nick Viall? Also, she’s apparently infamous for beating the shit out of people with her shoes. Sarah should take comfort in the fact that it looks like Raven only brought fugly geriatric sandals to Paradise, otherwise I would not fuck with that girl.

Raven tries to sell Sarah on the idea of Ben Z, which is underhanded AF and not something I’d expect from a girl who probs lost her virginity on the back a four wheeler. Okay, Raven, I see you. It’s a good plan but Ben fucks it up by talking nonstop about his dog. This must be the one time in history a man’s dog hasn’t gotten him laid. 

Ben Zorn

Sarah chooses Adam for the date and Raven looks like she may or may not slip a laxative into Sarah’s drink later. Good luck with that, girlfriend.

Okay, is Wells supposed to date on this show? Or just make shitty piña coladas? Because they’re teasing him being with Danielle M hard rn and I’m so v confused by his purpose on the show. Also, is there an application process for his job? Asking for a friend.

Production takes pity on Lacey and her tragic eyeliner and gives her a date card. Watching every single guy on this island turn down Lacey down is like looking into a mirror watching a scripted train wreck. They all look at her like they’d rather eat glass than pretend to find her sexually attractive for an afternoon.

Diggy understands that there is a rose at the end of all of this takes one for the team and goes on the date with Lacey. Their date is actually kind of cute. For some reason I thought Jorge’s Torges was a fake business designed by ABC to get rid of the last authentic part of this Mexican island going to be more like a shitty bus tour of Mexico but apparently it’s horseback tours of gorgeous beaches. Legit AF. But why do I feel like Diggy is more into the view and the champagne than Lacey, though? Seriously, he cannot list one actual quality he likes about her. That view though, he’s got some adjectives for that. 

Lacey And Diggy

Andddd Jorge just killed the mood with the story of his conception.

JORGE: I brought you here because this spot is lucky. In the sense that my parents got ~lucky~ and I was conceived here.

ME:

Ew

Danielle M makes the super mature decision to leave this hedonistic den because Wells hasn’t noticed her boob job yet to go save children in Africa. Wtf Danielle. Why do you have to bring up the children in Africa? I’m just trying to watch people get fucked up and start some shit on a beach. Don’t make this into something it’s not.

Dominique is the next Bachelor loser contestant to walk into Paradise. I remember having Dominique high on my bracket for Nick’s season and I also remember her being sent home wayyy before her time. Fucking Nick Viall. *adds another entry to burn book*

Okay, all of these dudes HAVE to stop referring to her braids as “tropical” and “island-y”. You’re embarrassing yourselves. Stop it. 

Dominique Bachelor

Dominique and Diggy immediately start eye-fucking each other from their cabanas and Lacey is just like:

Are You Fucking Kidding Me

Diggy and Dominique go on a date and honestly they look like a match made in fucking heaven. They’re feeding each other strawberries and making out in the moonlight. Is this what love looks like, people? Lacey, start packing your bags now.

OH SHIT Wells and Danielle M are making out. And Danielle is just like… wait…maybe the kids in Kenya will be fine on their own? 

DEMARIO TELLS ALL… AGAIN

DeMario Jackson

I’m now at hour four of watching Bachelor in Paradise and I’m starting to feel like I’m being held hostage by ABC. By “hostage” I mean I’m 100 percent here of my own volition but refuse to leave the couch lest I miss one minute of the drama. And my mother says I need to find “healthier” hobbies.

In typical Bachelor fashion they tease the scandal portion with 45 minutes of unrelated nonsense. They start by bringing out the most popular BiP contestants—and Derek. Chris Harrison dives right into the hard-hitting issues by asking Raven about Robby’s kissing technique. Jesus Christ, I’m never going to bed.

Chris then moves the conversation into its natural progression: sexual assault. This is what they pay him the big bucks for, folks—his tact. The whole cast is adamant that nothing happened and that ABC handled the whole situation perfectly. They don’t at all look like someone is pointing a gun to their heads off camera. Not at all.

The next 20-30 minutes is random BiP wedding footage and an interview with Carly and Evan to announce that Carly is pregnant with Evan’s spawn. Because pbviously that’s the most appropriate time to make such an announcement, right after interviewing cast members about their feelings on the sexual assault scandal. Tbh nothing was more upsetting to me than Evan’s comment about how his “bass can swim.”

Evan Bass

When they finally bring DeMario out I’m emotionally drained and can’t stop picturing Evan’s basses. My eyes are burning from either sheer exhaustion or the 3-5 glasses of wine I needed to make this shit show bearable. ABC must know this from my tweets because they devote a whopping 14 minutes to the scandal. In that time Chris Harrison finally puts his TV journalism degree to good use for hard-hitting news and makes DeMario and all the girls in the audience cry.

Chris Harrison: So DeMario, what’s next for you?

DeMario: I’m sure as shit never touching this franchise with a 10-foot pole again, that’s what.

There’s no new information shared and honestly the whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. There’s no mention of why the producer originally cried sexual assault in the first place other than the fact that DeMario is black. It’s like ABC keeps trying to make this a “teachable moment” by applauding how they handled the situation instead of having an actual discussion about consent. Or race. No, I’m still not counting Chris Harrison being like, “Diggy, as the only black man on this show and therefore de-facto spokesperson for your entire race, do you think race played a factor in all this? *everybody nods*” as a conversation.

Whatever. Can’t wait for next week when they bring Corinne out to broach the subject of slut shaming. Should be lit.

DeMario Jackson Talks About What Caused The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Shutdown

Just when you thought we finally put the BiP scandal to rest after Tuesday’s episode, think again. You may recall how every single person in the sit down/race discussion/sex ed class taught by guidance counselor Chris Harrison was stanning hard for DeMario. You may also recall that any time Corinne was mentioned, the cast basically gave a collective “Ooohh….who’s this?!” and moved on. Multiple cast members expressed concern for DeMario’s reputation, which undoubtedly took a hit during that week-long period where everybody and their drugged-out stepmom just assumed he was a sexual predator. Yeah, not the best thing to have pop up when someone Googles you. Well, DeMario is now speaking for himself, echoing sentiments that many cast members expressed during the Chris Harrison Wokeness Hour aka last week’s episode. In a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, DeMario says that he believes the accusations against him were “fueled by racism” and a “rush to judgement.”

Fucking duh.

As we all know, footage leading up to the “alleged misconduct” aired on BiP last week, but we didn’t see any of the encounter itself, which reportedly took place in the hot tub later that night. According to DeMario, nothing happened in that unaired footage that could have been misconstrued as wrongdoing. “You’re on a multi-million-dollar set with 50 to 100 plus-cameras, 300 workers and an entire production,” Demario said. “I love how Alex was giving the play-by-play with what was going on with me and Corinne when we were in the pool, because it showed all the production, all the people and the cast mates watching.” 

DeMario:

Right, so like, that all makes sense, but I think I speak for all of Bach Nation when I say: What the fuck did happen tho? Something must have happened. It’s not like they would just shut down production for shits and gigs. There’s tooth whitening cream sponsorships money to be made.

Live Footage Of Me Describing My BiP Conspiracy Theories To Strangers On The Train:

According to DeMario, this whole thing comes down to a producer who he describes as “Corinne’s best friend,” (Sidebar: Corinne’s best friend is her producer on Paradise? That is kind of sad…) and that he “remains baffled” by the incident, which he says was “100% consensual.”

“I think people wanted it to be something different. They wanted the angry black guy and this little, innocent white girl. But it wasn’t,” DeMario told the Reporter.

So yeah, all of that is definitely true, but it’s still totally unclear what prompted Corinne’s best friend this producer to pull the plug on the ENTIRE production. Is the implication that Corinne’s best friend this woman was so horrified at the idea of interracial hot tubbing that she shut the whole thing down? Who would be that racist?!? In 2017?!? No way!?!

*Remembers Donald Trump is president*

Oh…Right…

And what about Corinne (DeMario: Who?)? It seems like there is a lot of shade being thrown her way for her “I am a victim comment,” despite the fact that she basically always said she didn’t blame DeMario, and that her “victim” status was more directed at the show and its producers. I guess the only thing worse in BiP’s mind than being the victim of potential of sexual misconduct is saying anything bad about the show or its staff ever. Good to know.

Basically, we still don’t know what happened, and whatever it was probably had more to do with shady behavior on the part of the production staff than Corinne and DeMario. While I am very happy that DeMario gets the opportunity to save his rep from what were definitely race-based attacks, shouldn’t Corinne get a chance to do the same? As far as I can tell, homegirl woke up from a blackout to her best friend producer being like, “YOU WERE ASSAULTED ON CAMERA AND THE SHOW IS OVER!” And was just kind of like, left to figure out what that means. I can barely handle waking up from a blackout and looking at my bar tab, so I can only imagine how something like this would feel. Also, I just like Corinne and want her to stay in my life. Sue me. 

Ultimately, this entire scandal was just wayyyy too morally ambiguous for Bachelor Nation to handle. This is a group of people who mostly come together every week to watch hot people pretend they’re in love after two dates, so it’s hard to be surprised at their poor handling of a situation that included sexism, racism, and consent all wrapped up in one big ball of awful. If nothing bad happened, why not just tell us what the fuck did happen, rather than trying to pass all this vague BS off as answers? Who are they protecting? The producers? Are we really supposed to believe these people are never manipulated into doing things just because Taylor’s annoying ass doesn’t drink?

At this point, we should all probably get comfortable with the idea that we’ll never really know what happened that night, but that Corinne and DeMario are probably not to blame.

Now let’s get back to trying to figure out whether or not Dean is turning into a fuckboy

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Week 1 Night 2: Middle School Sex Ed Edition

If you were hoping that the second half of this week’s BiP would reveal, in detail, exactly what went down during the Corrine and DeMario hot tub incident, you (like me) were sorely disappointed. This episode was 90% boring-ass wedding stuff, 5% Dean ruining his good rep, and 5% a sobering discussion of race and sexual assault. So yeah, just a typical Tuesday night in 2017 America.

Carly And Evan’s Wedding

Because ABC is a fickle bitch and they know everybody is here for the scandal, they start the show with a full 40 minutes of boring AF Carly and Evan’s wedding shit featuring all the most boring people from past seasons and Ashley Iaconetti.

Full disclosure, I got up and dropped off my laundry while this was happening so if I missed anything, it’s probably because I was balls deep in dryer sheets and also this shit was so boring.

Going back in time through all Bachelor In Paradise weddings past just makes me realize how long The Bachelor has been on. Like, this show is older than my little sister. This show can legally drink. That scares me.

As they cut between these tacky weddings all I can think is, “ABC must pay for all of this shit, right? There’s no way Fit Tea sponsorships can pay for this many outdoor chandeliers.”

Lol at the one wedding where Chris Harrison officiated. I wonder if ABC throws him in as a free gift for couples with no religion/friends.

Literally every guest at each of these weddings was on The Bachelor in some capacity. Does ABC force you to renounce all your non-Bachelor relationships before they’ll pay for your wedding? Is getting married from The Bachelor like leveling up in Scientology?  

Please let this rainy AF windy wedding live in my mind forever as a reminder of how badly outdoor weddings can go. Always book an indoor option, people!

There is truly nothing to say about this wedding other than that this Mexican shaman ceremony is the whitest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

There’s literally no way this is a real shaman. That guy is probably a Peruvian dude from LA who saw a casting call that read “Mexican Shaman For Reality TV Wedding,” and he was like “Ugh okay but only for the SAG points.”

This entire portion of the wedding is about as latino as “Despacito”, aka mostly geared toward white audiences but featuring some fun latin flair.

The Most Awkward Conversation Of All Time

We now shift seamlessly into what appears to be a middle school sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison. Strap in, Bachelor Nation, it’s about to get problematic.

Taylor: I’m sober all the time.
Me: Oh girl we know.

Taylor: People are always coming up to me and saying “I loved your character on the show!”
Me:

Each of these contestants are like, 50/50 on being correct about things. For every Raven bravely coming forward about her own experience with assault, there’s a Taylor saying “non-verbal cues” count as consent. You’re literally too sober to be this wrong.

Taylor’s Patients At Home: Wait did my mental health counselor just go on TV and say flirting counts as consent?

Everyone is stanning pretty hard for DeMario, whereas Corinne appears to be on everybody’s bad side.

Raven: I just feel so bad for DeMario.
Chris Harrison: And Corinne.
Entire Cast: …………….sure.

Diggy: *exists*
Chris Harrison: Thank you for bringing up race.

You can literally hear the sound of 15 pristine white buttholes clenching as soon as Chris Harrison brings up race.

Live Footage Of Me When Derek Squeezes Raven’s Shoulder After Opening Up About Her Assault:

Real talk, this is a very good conversation that we should probably be having with people 10-15 years younger than the people on this show. Also, if The Bachelor ever ends (blasphemy) Chris Harrison does have a career as a guidance counselor in his future.

Nobody cares at ALL that Wells will be coming back as the bartender. Half these chicks screamed for joy when they heard Nick Viall would be taking them to Wisconsin but barely cracked a smile at the Wells news. Way harsh, Tai.

Lol as if anyone was not going to come back to Paradise. These people want to get laid find love.

Back To Paradise

FINALLY we’re back to the point of the show: people trying to fuck each other on a beach. We come back to find that there are already like, 15 couples and everyone is in love except Lacey and Iggy. Too bad, so sad.

Me: That whole consent conversation was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen.
Alex: Hold my beer.

Alex not taking a hint from Amanda is giving me flashbacks to every fuckboy I’ve ever met in my life.

Raven: Amanda doesn’t like you.
Alex:

Alex: Hey Amanda, can I borrow you for a second?
Amanda: *eyes roll so hard she has to go to the hospital*

To be fair, Amanda is not actually telling Alex she doesn’t like him.

Amanda (Confessional): I just want him to fucking leave me alone.
Amanda (IRL): I just think that like, we should like, have fun.

Once again Dean slides into our hearts’ DMs with the perfect analysis: “I think she hates him.”

Cut to Lacey, who is annoying, looks like a Precious Moments figurine, and is a source of ultimate truth.

Lacey: Iggy is so full of shit.
Me: Tru.

Lacey: I am at the bottom of the totem pole.
Me: Also tru.

Derek and Taylor go on their date and it’s like, “Ugh these two will probably actually get engaged, won’t they?”

Matt is already blowing it with Jasmine, which I guess we could have expected seeing as in the previews she gets called “a T-Rex that’s taken Viagra.” I feel like nobody would call her that if she just settled down week one with the guy whose profession is listed as “penguin.”

Dean and Kristina (who apparently took a road trip together!?!) are also on the rocks. On the one hand, Dean is kind of being a fuckboy. On the other hand, I’m delighted he’s not taken.

Evan (of boring wedding fame) actually put it best:

Thanks for the shout out, dude. Sorry I said all that mean stuff about your boring wedding.

Dean: I just feel not good about everything.
Kristina: If you think I’m going to take shit from you after I literally grew up in a Russian orphanage, you know nothing Jon Snow Dean Unglert.

The best part of this episode, by far, is Wells at the bar asking Kristina how to say stuff in Russian.

Wells: How do you say thank you in Russian?
Kristina: Spasibo.
Wells: How do you say “I rigged the election?”
Me: HAHAHAHAHA *Starts Hysterically Crying*

Alright Woke Bachelor in Paradise, you can stay.

Bachelor In Paradise’s Attempt To Address The Controversy Just Caused More Controversy

The illustrious members of Bachelor Nation have spent most of the summer being pretty fricking P.O.’d, thinking our absolute favorite summer series was dunzo. I mean, we were like, concerned about the seriousness of the allegations and shit, but we also definitely wanted to see our favorite cast members who failed to find love have sex with each other on the beach. Fortunately for us, the Bachelor producers have literally no shame, and all the DeMario and Corinne drama did nothing to diminish their desire to make money off of our guiltiest pleasure.

Now, the teaser for the season that almost never happened is out, and, TBH, I hate saying it, but it actually looks kind of lame. Part of why we were all so excited about BiP this season was because Corrine was going to be on it. Now that’s not happening. Chad is busy with Famously Single for some reason. DeMario is also out, so, like who is even going to bring the drama? Amanda? Raven? I don’t think so.

 

So let’s break this down: The preview starts with a bunch of tweets from Bach fans basically just talking about how devastated they (we) were the show was maybe almost sort of not going to happen when allegations of sexual misconduct started swirling.

Of course when a show called “Bachelor in Paradise” almost gets shut down but then totally doesn’t, you have to throw in a “Paradise Lost” reference. Clever.

We get a few flashes of some of the cast members, including baby-voiced Amanda from Ben’s season and one of Rachel’s more annoying suitors, Iggy. We also see that Kristina is on the show. I almost didn’t recognize her because she has highlights now. She legit looks good and I’m happy she didn’t end up with Nick because she’s already been through too much shit in her life — fuckin Russia, amirite?

Anyway, then we get some more tweets about how happy people are that the show is back on. Then Robby says “It’s crazy” and that’s pretty much it.

Can I just say: booooooooo.

I don’t particularly like that they’re capitalizing on the fact the season almost didn’t happen, ya know, because the reason it almost didn’t happen was because there was a sexual assault investigation. Like, if it almost didn’t happen because of a hurricane or some shit, sure, play that up. IDK I just had a weird feeling about how they approached that whole thing, and critics generally agree. The trailer has been panned by basically everyone, with critics calling it both exploitative and tone deaf. So basically like everything BiP related. Isn’t the first rule of PR like, not to bring up the shitty parts of your brand all the time? IDK.

The show comes out August 14, though and we’ll be watching. Duh. 

This Leaked ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Contract Explains If Corinne Can Sue Over The Misconduct Allegations

So, unless you’re Patrick Star and you live at the bottom of the sea under a literal rock, you’ve heard about the Bachelor in Paradise drama by now. I mean, thank The Lord Baby Jesus that the show isn’t cancelled forever and we’ll get to see this stone cold pack of weirdos make out with each other on a beach at some point in the near future. Still, the drama surrounding Corrine and DeMario raised a lot of questions about what these cast members actually sign up for—like, literally sign up for, with their contract and all.

CNN Money got a hold of the legit Bachelor in Paradise contract and had a lawyer look at it, because journalism. The contract basically gives the show and its producer free reign over your life. That means you can’t sue them if they portray situations in a way that definitely isn’t truthful, if they show you butt-ass naked, or clip your soundbites together to make you say something you definitely didn’t really say. The producers are basically like:

You also can’t sue if you suffer emotional or physical trauma, or, like, you know, catch an STD from someone. You would think you should get tested for that shit before you go on a sex vacation, but some people like to ruin things for others.

Instead of like on actual news shows, where, if you portray someone in a way that didn’t happen you get a lawsuit slapped on you so fast your head spins, on Bachelor in Paradise, the producers get total free reign with no repercussions.

Like, how Ashley I. was always talking to a parrot instead of a producer. That didn’t really happen, but it was funny and she signed a contract so the show had its metaphorical way with her. Also, producers can make it look like you did the dirty with a cast mate with a few well-placed “mmmm” and “oh yeah” and “oh my god” captions, even if all that went down was generally PG-13.

The contract does say that you shouldn’t do anything technically illegal and should also probably not assault other people on the show. Yet, the show and its producers aren’t responsible if someone goes rogue and eats you out in a pool gets weird with you.

So the question you may be asking yourself is, why would anyone sign on for this shit? The answer is fucking obvious. Have you seen the money people make on Instagram endorsements after becoming Bachelor famous? Yeah, that’s why. Also, if you don’t sign the contract, there are about 50 other contestants from the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette who would gladly sign their lives away for a little more screen time. 

Our ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Predictions For This Dumpster Fire Of A Season

If there’s one thing we can rely on in this topsy-turvy world where crazy white men rule with impunity and the rest of us try to figure out where to buy red cloaks before all the good ones are gone, it’s the Bachelor franchise. Dictators may rise, civilizations may fall, gorillas could overthrow the human race, but Chris Harrison and ABC will never relinquish their death grip on our Monday and Tuesday nights, even in the face of sexual misconduct allegations.

In case you hadn’t heard the fantastic news, Bachelor in Paradise is back in production after Warner Brothers pursued an internal investigation and determined that nothing shady happened. Sounds legit. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when you stick a bunch of Diff Eyewear ambassadors in a secluded resort, drown them in tequila, and then tell them to fuck each other? Other than absolutely everything? Let’s be real, we all know ABC had entire law firm on retainer in the event of this very incident occurring.

Shade

Is it messed up that Bachelor in Paradise is resuming filming while one of the cast members is actively pursuing a lawsuit for potential sexual assault? For sure. Does that mean we’re going to boycott it? Absolutely fucking not. Corinne and her platinum vagine hold a special place in my heart for being the sole source of entertainment in Nick Viall’s entire dismal season and I hope she gets a fat payout and the justice she deserves. However, I’m definitely still going to tune in to watch Raven and Robby fall in love and see Russian Alex grind on some unsuspecting women. Not a spoiler, we all know he’s not winning Rachel’s heart.

Other than the inevitable appearance of the Whaboom and Alexis “Dolphin” Waters, what else can we expect from quite literally the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise yet? We have a few ideas.

I’m praying for round two of Blake vs. the Whaboom. Unpopular opinion (but not really): I’m 100% Team Whaboom. You know Blake has a closet full of fedoras and has accused no less than 16 women in his life of friend-zoning him. The Whaboom is just reality TV trash, which is why we’re all watching this shit in the first place. Between a delusional wannabe actor with some questionable branding practices and a personal trainer/aspiring drummer who spent four solid minutes on national television talking about how great his dick is and insisted on questioning people’s motives during the very first cocktail party, I’ll take the former. Everyone knows that’s some week three material.

Whaboom And Blake

This is the way the world ends: not with a whimper, but with a Whaboom.

It’s already been announced that DeMario will be making his return, but what about Corinne? If she’s in the middle of a lawsuit against ABC, I don’t imagine they’d let her back into Paradise. But then again, I wouldn’t put it past them to exploit that for buzz. If Unreal has taught me anything, it’s that the executive producer of the Bachelor franchise will quite literally let someone die if it means a bump in ratings.

Speaking of exploitation, are we going to see the footage that started it all? Doubtful, but I can almost guarantee that we’ll get everything leading up to it, followed by a montage of concerned cast mates the next morning clamoring for the spotlight. Raven will say “oh my gawd” no less than 100 times throughout the course of the episode.

In general, you can expect the entire season to be a little darker than the paradise we’re accustomed to. Not even ABC has the balls to stroll back in and pretend like nothing happened. Corinne and Demario will be a theme throughout it all, which is sure to result in a bunch of tears from people who weren’t even remotely involved (I’m looking at you Raven).

Raven Gates

DeMario will without a doubt suffer no less than three breakdowns throughout this journey to love. Like, he was already in deep shit after Girlfriend Gate 2017, can you imagine how the world would have reacted had he deprived us of Bachelor in Paradise? Anarchy. Of all these predictions, I’m the most confident that DeMario will hook up with Lace, who seems like the kind of girl to seek out troubled me so she can “fix” them. RIP #Grace.

We know for sure that Amanda, Vinny, Raven, Lace, Kristina and Astrid will all be returning post-scandal. Here’s your daily friendly reminder that if Amanda hadn’t been an idiot last season and chosen Josh over Nick, we all could have been spared an entire Bachelor era of wooly turtle necks and mind-numbingly dull conversation. She’s on our shit list.

Will Vinny recover from his heartbreaking departure last year? For sure, only to have Izzy show up four weeks in and fuck everything up. Remember how she left him out of the blue for a guy who wasn’t even interested in her? Fuck Izzy.

If Kristina and Alex don’t form the perfect Eastern European union, I will burn ABC to the ground. There has never been a greater need for some positive Russian news in America than in 2017. First of all, their children would be beautiful and probably all-star gymnasts. Can you imagine the sweet Russian nothings they would whisper to each other on a beachside cabana?? Let his mother soothe your childhood trauma with her fabulous kebabs, Kristina. It’s what the world wants.

Kristina Bachelor

Derek “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” Peth is possibly making an appearance in Paradise, and I would bet anything that he’s going to get into some shit with someone. Hopefully Chad, who is back in ABC’s good graces now that someone has surpassed his level of debauchery. We all know Derek is the sensitive one which leads me to believe he’ll immediately be drawn to Amanda. To be fair, every man is immediately drawn to Amanda, as she is a real life pixie with the voice of Thumbelina.

Of all the people we know to be arriving, Raven is the most likely to be engaged by the end of it. You know every guy in the franchise immediately got a boner at the thought of being the man to provide her with her first orgasm. I don’t care what anyone says, we all know Nick couldn’t do it.

Without a doubt, Carly and Evan will show up to get married and then condescendingly preach to everyone about the wonders of true love. Gag. Remember how Evan faked alcohol poisoning just so Carly would kiss him? Solid foundation for a happy marriage.

Will Chad return? Will the twins take a break from their shitty show to provide some much-needed comedic relief? Will Corinne make a brief appearance just to punch Taylor in the face and then leave? Most importantly, exactly how many gallons of mimosas will Chris Harrison consume over the course of these cursed six weeks? All this and more, this season on Bachelor in Paradise.

Jasmine Goode Is Making Some F*cking Crazy Accusations Against Corinne Olympios

Y’all, this Bachelor in Paradise drama is getting more and more crazy by the day. First Corinne released a statement and said she is a victim of sexual assault and has hired a lawyer. Then, DeMario said his name is being slandered and he is innocent of any wrongdoing. Chad threw himself into the mix (as Chad does) to make some off-color jokes about Robby. Now, Jasmine Goode made a statement to E! News saying that Corinne isn’t a victim but rather, the aggressor. No, really, I promise I can’t make this shit up. Well, given the amount of Law & Order: SVU I watch I guess I could make this shit up, but that’s neither here nor there.

In a statement to E! News, Jasmine said, “Corinne forced herself on three male cast members, when they were unable to consent, in addition to engaging with DeMario. After the incident everything seemed fine. There was no mention about being hurt. However, when producers tried to cut her off from drinking, she got upset and said, ‘Watch, watch what I’m gonna do.'”

Like, holy shit, I am now organizing a search party for Jasmine’s chill, because she clearly has none. Jasmine’s basically saying Corinne assaulted three people, and possibly DeMario? I think I speak for all of us when I say: WHAT THE FUCK. Grab the popcorn, everybody, because shit has officially hit the fan.

The Bachelor

Jasmine continued, “The cast is not encouraged or forced to engage in any behaviors or to drink alcohol.” HA! “Producers check in to make sure the cast is comfortable and accommodate to the needs requested.” If by “needs requested” she means “drunk people ordering more margaritas,” then sure, I’m sure the producers do an excellent job.

But wait, there’s (a lot) more. Jasmine also gave a statement to the Daily Mail. Pop an Adderall Buckle up, because it’s long.

“I was taken back with Corinne’s statement that she’s the victim. That may be the role she plays on the show, but it’s a role. I don’t believe she was a victim or traumatized… Not once did she complain or say she was upset with what happened in the pool with DeMario. She was laughing, having a good time. Even the day after, she was hanging out with DeMario and some other people in the hot tub… She never, ever said one thing negative about DeMario. And she was never in danger, at least I never witnessed anything bad happening to her … As a woman, I would have been the first person to step in if I thought she was being taken advantage of in the pool with DeMario. She even said hi to me when I walked by them. I feel bad for DeMario. He’s a good guy. He’s sweet and not aggressive one bit. I am sad and disappointed this has happened. We are all shocked.”

Lord Jesus

Well fam, it looks like we have a classic “he said, she’s lying” case on our hands. This is only going to get uglier.

For what it’s worth, Corinne’s attorney was not having this. “Several cast members and producers have come forward confirming the facts disclosed by my client,” he told E! News. I mean I know I sound like a broken record at this point but we’re just going to have to wait and see how this situation develops, and if the past week has been any indication, boy is it going to develop. Who will try to extend their 15 minutes speak out next? Raven? That rando Lacey (actually, I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to sell her story yet)? DeMario’s penis? Truly anything can happen in this saga that gets crazier by the day.