The Best 'Bachelor In Paradise' Recap You'll Ever Read, Week 1 Night 2: Middle School Sex Ed Edition

If you were hoping that the second half of this week’s BiP would reveal, in detail, exactly what went down during the Corrine and DeMario hot tub incident, you (like me) were sorely disappointed. This episode was 90% boring-ass wedding stuff, 5% Dean ruining his good rep, and 5% a sobering discussion of race and sexual assault. So yeah, just a typical Tuesday night in 2017 America.

Carly And Evan’s Wedding

Because ABC is a fickle bitch and they know everybody is here for the scandal, they start the show with a full 40 minutes of boring AF Carly and Evan’s wedding shit featuring all the most boring people from past seasons and Ashley Iaconetti.

Full disclosure, I got up and dropped off my laundry while this was happening so if I missed anything, it’s probably because I was balls deep in dryer sheets and also this shit was so boring.

Going back in time through all Bachelor In Paradise weddings past just makes me realize how long The Bachelor has been on. Like, this show is older than my little sister. This show can legally drink. That scares me.

As they cut between these tacky weddings all I can think is, “ABC must pay for all of this shit, right? There’s no way Fit Tea sponsorships can pay for this many outdoor chandeliers.”

Lol at the one wedding where Chris Harrison officiated. I wonder if ABC throws him in as a free gift for couples with no religion/friends.

Literally every guest at each of these weddings was on The Bachelor in some capacity. Does ABC force you to renounce all your non-Bachelor relationships before they’ll pay for your wedding? Is getting married from The Bachelor like leveling up in Scientology?  

Please let this rainy AF windy wedding live in my mind forever as a reminder of how badly outdoor weddings can go. Always book an indoor option, people!

There is truly nothing to say about this wedding other than that this Mexican shaman ceremony is the whitest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

There’s literally no way this is a real shaman. That guy is probably a Peruvian dude from LA who saw a casting call that read “Mexican Shaman For Reality TV Wedding,” and he was like “Ugh okay but only for the SAG points.”

This entire portion of the wedding is about as latino as “Despacito”, aka mostly geared toward white audiences but featuring some fun latin flair.

The Most Awkward Conversation Of All Time

We now shift seamlessly into what appears to be a middle school sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison. Strap in, Bachelor Nation, it’s about to get problematic.

Taylor: I’m sober all the time.
Me: Oh girl we know.

Taylor: People are always coming up to me and saying “I loved your character on the show!”

Each of these contestants are like, 50/50 on being correct about things. For every Raven bravely coming forward about her own experience with assault, there’s a Taylor saying “non-verbal cues” count as consent. You’re literally too sober to be this wrong.

Taylor’s Patients At Home: Wait did my mental health counselor just go on TV and say flirting counts as consent?

Everyone is stanning pretty hard for DeMario, whereas Corinne appears to be on everybody’s bad side.

Raven: I just feel so bad for DeMario.
Chris Harrison: And Corinne.
Entire Cast: …………….sure.

Diggy: *exists*
Chris Harrison: Thank you for bringing up race.

You can literally hear the sound of 15 pristine white buttholes clenching as soon as Chris Harrison brings up race.

Live Footage Of Me When Derek Squeezes Raven’s Shoulder After Opening Up About Her Assault:

Real talk, this is a very good conversation that we should probably be having with people 10-15 years younger than the people on this show. Also, if The Bachelor ever ends (blasphemy) Chris Harrison does have a career as a guidance counselor in his future.

Nobody cares at ALL that Wells will be coming back as the bartender. Half these chicks screamed for joy when they heard Nick Viall would be taking them to Wisconsin but barely cracked a smile at the Wells news. Way harsh, Tai.

Lol as if anyone was not going to come back to Paradise. These people want to get laid find love.

Back To Paradise

FINALLY we’re back to the point of the show: people trying to fuck each other on a beach. We come back to find that there are already like, 15 couples and everyone is in love except Lacey and Iggy. Too bad, so sad.

Me: That whole consent conversation was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen.
Alex: Hold my beer.

Alex not taking a hint from Amanda is giving me flashbacks to every fuckboy I’ve ever met in my life.

Raven: Amanda doesn’t like you.

Alex: Hey Amanda, can I borrow you for a second?
Amanda: *eyes roll so hard she has to go to the hospital*

To be fair, Amanda is not actually telling Alex she doesn’t like him.

Amanda (Confessional): I just want him to fucking leave me alone.
Amanda (IRL): I just think that like, we should like, have fun.

Once again Dean slides into our hearts’ DMs with the perfect analysis: “I think she hates him.”

Cut to Lacey, who is annoying, looks like a Precious Moments figurine, and is a source of ultimate truth.

Lacey: Iggy is so full of shit.
Me: Tru.

Lacey: I am at the bottom of the totem pole.
Me: Also tru.

Derek and Taylor go on their date and it’s like, “Ugh these two will probably actually get engaged, won’t they?”

Matt is already blowing it with Jasmine, which I guess we could have expected seeing as in the previews she gets called “a T-Rex that’s taken Viagra.” I feel like nobody would call her that if she just settled down week one with the guy whose profession is listed as “penguin.”

Dean and Kristina (who apparently took a road trip together!?!) are also on the rocks. On the one hand, Dean is kind of being a fuckboy. On the other hand, I’m delighted he’s not taken.

Evan (of boring wedding fame) actually put it best:

Thanks for the shout out, dude. Sorry I said all that mean stuff about your boring wedding.

Dean: I just feel not good about everything.
Kristina: If you think I’m going to take shit from you after I literally grew up in a Russian orphanage, you know nothing Jon Snow Dean Unglert.

The best part of this episode, by far, is Wells at the bar asking Kristina how to say stuff in Russian.

Wells: How do you say thank you in Russian?
Kristina: Spasibo.
Wells: How do you say “I rigged the election?”
Me: HAHAHAHAHA *Starts Hysterically Crying*

Alright Woke Bachelor in Paradise, you can stay.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.