Guys, we’ve been quarantining/isolating/social distancing for a long time now. While we’ve all gotten into our WFH and self-care routines at this point, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. And especially as the weather gets nicer, it’s more and more tempting to test the waters of getting back to normal life. Of course, in some states, restrictions have already been lifted, and people are experiencing things like restaurants and hair salons again. Speaking of hair salons, today we’re talking about one salon in Arizona, and two women’s long journey to get a much-needed cut and color.
Those women are Corinne Olympios and Amanda Stanton of Bachelor fame, and yes, they really did break quarantine and drive to another state to get their hair done. I mean, I’m really not that surprised, but still, like, really? On Monday, they drove from Orange County to Gilbert, Arizona, to visit hairstylist Chrissy Rasmussen at the Habit Salon. That’s a distance of around 400 miles, and according to Google Maps, it’s at least a five hour drive. I’d love a haircut right now, but that’s some serious dedication.
Both Corinne and Amanda documented their hair-care journey on Instagram, and Amanda even shared that she brought one of her daughters along to get her hair done. In this photo that Corinne shared, there are three different women working on her hair (and at least two more in the background), and there’s not a mask in sight.
For reference, Arizona salons were allowed to reopen starting May 8th, with new protocols in place to combat the spread of COVID-19. According to the Governor’s guidelines, salons must “provide face coverings to employees and visitors,” and practice “physical distancing in waiting and service areas.” Who knows, maybe Chrissy provided masks, but they certainly weren’t being used. And that’s definitely some
sketchy nonexistent physical distancing. Like, maybe given the circumstances, you could have one person do your hair at a time instead of three?
In a post that I think was supposed to be funny (?), Amanda showed off her fresh hair, saying that she “may have peed on the side of a dirt road because I’m scared to use public restrooms.” But don’t worry, it was worth it!! I guess I’m glad she didn’t use a public restroom, but if you’re that scared, maybe it’s a sign that you should rethink what you’re doing?
Unsurprisingly, not everyone was thrilled to see these posts, and Amanda attempted to address everyone’s concerns in an Instagram story that has way too much text, but I read it anyway. She starts by explaining that she’s been VERY diligent about staying home, and hasn’t even gone to the grocery store since March 14th. That’s great and all, but please, go get some groceries, that’s not the issue here.
Then, she gets into the most compelling part of her argument: the salon was safe because she knew everyone there! She assures us that “Not a single person in there was a stranger or even close.” Great, because we all know that you can’t possibly get coronavirus from someone you know. I’ll just invite all my close friends over and see what happens! We’ll be fine! Amanda says that they tested negative before leaving California, which is fine, but did everyone else in the salon get tested? And if they’re just hanging out at the salon like it’s NBD, how many other people are they coming into contact with? It’s one thing to make a questionable decision for yourself, but to explain it away with bullsh*t logic is infuriating.
Amanda then responds to people who “might think this is going to great lengths to get my hair done.” (Sidenote: she literally went to great lengths to get her hair done, but whatever.) She says she has nothing else to do, and she’s totally willing to isolate from her family for a couple weeks in order to get that fresh balayage. She also explains that she posted her trip because she doesn’t feel bad, and that overall, she feels “really good about doing my part during this pandemic.” Ok, whatever helps you sleep at night.
In the grand scheme of things, it seems like Amanda has taken the pandemic seriously overall, which is why it’s so confusing and frustrating for her to do this now. Even with the precautions that she says she took, it doesn’t seem worth the risk. And we all saw Corinne’s photo with no masks, which isn’t any better.
As frustrating as it is to put our lives on pause, we ALL want things that we can’t have right now. I’m about to spend my birthday weekend alone in my apartment, and you better believe that’s not what I had planned. But just because I’ve been good until now doesn’t mean I’m going to throw it all away for something I *want*. Not to get preachy, but there’s still a very real crisis happening, and we shouldn’t just get to pick and choose when we care about it. As unpleasant as they are, the restrictions and guidelines are meant to keep us safe, and they should be taken seriously—not treated as a challenge to drive to another state to get what you want.
This isn’t a competition to see who can quarantine the most responsibly, but for two women with a lot of privilege and followers, they should be mindful of the influence they have over their fans. For every person who rolled their eyes at Amanda Stanton’s explanation, there could be someone else who started Googling the nearest state with open salons. “She said she was safe, so it’ll be safe for me too!” But even if you take precautions or get tested, it’s just not smart right now. We’re all doing our part to make it out of this, and I promise your highlights can wait.
Images: Gary Gershoff / Getty Images; colympios, amanda_stantonn / Instagram
I’ll admit it: I love a good, inane method of communication. (Poking on Facebook, pinging on Blackberry, you name it.) I also love seeing celebrities participate in dumb sh*t for a paycheck, which brings me to Cameo. Cameo is a service that allows you to send your friends messages in the form of a selfie video from a chosen celebrity. I’ll explain this a few more ways until it settles into your brain. Say you’re making happy hour plans. You could text your friend like a normal person—OR you could pay Kevin from The Office $145 to do it for you. (Oh yeah, celebrities on Cameo each have their own rate.) Naturally, I had to find out which celebrities actually signed up to become on-demand greeting cards—and the answers won’t disappoint you. Here are the weirdest, most random celebrities on Cameo and available for hire.*
*I don’t really do sports, so feel free to browse the athlete section on your own.
Ben Higgins ($50)
Oh Ben! I’d wondered where you went after Happily Ever After, but I didn’t think you’d fallen so far. First of all, $50 is way too low for the most charming Bachelor in recent history, especially when you see that Nick Viall is on here for $75. I actually feel like Ben would be a good choice for an interaction you’re a little nervous about, like telling your boyfriend that you adopted a dog while he was at work. Wouldn’t it just be harder to get upset looking at his bashful, country-boy eyes? Or am I just another crazed Higgins fan, waiting for my chance to kneel at his feet on live TV? Time will tell.
Other Bachelor cast members: Ashley and Jared ($65), Robby Hayes ($50), Corinne Olympios ($40), Chris Harrison ($425)
James Kennedy ($100)
And now, the one that I am personally most likely to use. James has been deeply up against it this season of Vanderpump Rules, by which I mean he has faced some consequences for his actions. As a result, he has looked like a wounded dog with lifeless eyes in every scene for the past two weeks, and I can think of no one less equipped to be sending out cheerful videos for hire. For reference, you could have Scheana record the same message for $75, but at least James’ version would be less likely to include an orgasm.
Billy Zane ($500)
With Billy Zane, we’ve moved out of what I’m calling the “small players” ($200 and under) and into the major leagues. For a cool $500, you can have the villain from Titanic wish your parents a happy anniversary. Or tell your boss you’re taking the rest of the week off. I don’t really understand how or why Billy Zane has become such a punch line in pop culture, but I do kind of feel like a video message from him could ruin my day. Sorry Billy, I’ll always be Team Leo!
Stormy Daniels ($666)
Got any politically minded friends? Devoted readers of The ‘Sup who regularly ruin brunch with depressing updates from the outside world? Show them that you’re paying attention with a very current $666 video message from none other than Stormy Daniels. If nothing else, you’ll be helping her pay off those legal fees.
Caitlin Jenner ($1,000)
Finally, if you’re really looking for a splurge: Caitlin Jenner. As the most expensive option on this list, she is also one of the only two whose profession is listed as “Icon.” (Most include titles like “TV Star” or “Reality Star,” or the name of the series they’re on). The other icon on this list is “George Jung aka ‘Boston George,’” an American drug trafficker who was played by Johnny Depp in the movie Blow. A message from this famed criminal is only $65, so up to you which “icon” you’d like to go with. I’d also like to note that Caitlin Jenner is the only member of the Kardashian/Jenner clan on this site.
Other usual suspects are on this site—Bella Thorne ($110), Snooki ($300). What I’ve learned from this research is that I love listing celebrities’ names with prices attached, and it is possible that reality TV pays less well than I thought. Hopefully these celebrities on Cameo have brightened your day as much as mine.
Images: Giphy (3)
In case you haven’t noticed, Betches has a completely unhealthy obsession with reality television. When we say unhealthy, we mean the Food God’s artery-clogging Instagram meals level of unhealthy. And when we say obsession, we mean the Food God’s level of obsession with finding his name on Twitter. So who better to interview than GG, who has had a backstage pass to the reality television world for years? Maybe you remember GG’s stint as the girl who slapped James Kennedy in the face after he denied cheating on Raquel with her on Vanderpump Rules, but she also has an impressive CV that includes working as an assistant for reality show riot makers like Kris Jenner and Corinne Olympios. We sat down with GG Gilbert-Soto to get the scoop on what it’s like working for, with, and as a reality star.
How did you start working for Lisa Vanderpump?
I actually just dropped off my resume at SUR and they were desperate for hostesses so I got hired right away. They interviewed me for the show after I started working there for several months.
Do producers red flag employees and notice things so they decide who to interview? How does that process go?
Yeah, definitely. SUR actually has so many employees, like 40. And of course, only 10 are on the show, or even less. Some people refuse to be on the show, some people desperately want to be on the show. The producers kinda follow you for a couple of months and see if you interact with the cast, because if you have no relevance, you’re not gonna be on the show.
So how did you start getting wrapped up in the cast?
I actually started becoming friends with James. We started off as just friends. I thought he was cool, and um, he wasn’t. I’m actually cool with him now. I don’t actually see him, but if we run into each other, he’s pretty nice and even his girlfriend is nice to me. But I rarely see them.
Did you watch Vanderpump Rules at all?
No, not before. I knew about it but didn’t watch it. I only watched the episodes I was on.
How did you feel about the things James said about you on the show?
He was pretty mean about my appearance. It was such a low blow and the only thing he could do was try to hurt me that way, which is fine because I’m okay with the way I look. But when he was talking sh*t about me, a lot of people felt bad. A lot of people were also cheering him on, though.
Well, I get why people egg him on, because he’ll say anything for attention.
Yeah, in the episodes I watched, he was pretty entertaining. I get why he’s on the show.
Who would you say is the most different on camera versus off camera?
Um, I think Ariana and Tom because they were pretty mean to me, but then they’d be nice to me off camera. I don’t have any problem with anyone on the show. People would be so nice, but then once the cameras were on . I don’t know. They were pretty fake. But then at the end of the season, when we were doing photo shoots and stuff, everyone was pretty nice to me. I don’t know, it was just funny to see how people were mean when they needed to be.
Who would you say is the most authentic on camera and off camera?
Lala, for sure. She’s really sweet, honestly. I feel like any time she was amped up, she would say the same things she would say off camera or on camera. And she would notice when people were different on camera and off camera. And that’s why people thought she was mean, but she’s actually a really sweet girl. She just takes no sh*t.
Were you asked to join the cast?
I wasn’t. A lot of people thought I was going to, but I was not. I think it’s because I just started to not hang out with any of them anymore and I got other jobs. I was still working at SUR, but I was doing a lot of stuff outside of it. I was working as an assistant at a talent agency, which I kind of regret now, and I was only working at SUR once or twice a week and getting shifts covered. But I really do love SUR.
Why did you leave SUR?
I was doing way too much. I signed up for all these side projects. I became an assistant to Corinne from The Bachelor. But a lot of people work there for years, then they take a year off, then they go back. SUR has always had a family vibe to it, and I still talk to everybody. Some of those people are my best friends.
So are you giving up the entertainment industry for good?
I don’t know. I’m at a weird point and I’m not sure what I want to do anymore. I’m young, I’m 25. When I first moved to L.A., being famous was the only thing on my mind. Now I’m just like… I definitely wanna be rich, that’s why I’m just trying to work for my parents’ companies. I don’t want to say that I’m giving it up forever.
I mean, you were really entertaining on the show. I have actually used some of your lines before. Like, “Are there unicorns in this fantasy world where James Kennedy is loyal?”
Oh my god! That’s amazing! That was fun, being a b*tch like that. I actually heard about that Lindsay Lohan reality show and I was going to apply for that one, but it was too late.
So I always hear you worked for Kris Jenner, was that before or after Pump Rules?
That was before. It started off as a college internship at Jenner Communications. My friend was her assistant and got me the job. My friend ended up moving back to London, and Kris just started using her interns as her assistants. It became super hectic, so I was like, “Listen, I can’t do this as an intern but I’d love to be your assistant or your assistant runner,” and she was like, “Oh yeah, for sure.” But it was just too hectic for two college students to be her assistants, so I left. But it was an experience, it was kind of like, a humbling experience.
Is she a lot like Lisa?
Hmmmm, okay sometimes Kris was super cool, and other times, she was like, f*cking vicious. But it’s not her fault, she’s a businesswoman. Sometimes you have to be mean to people who work for you. I totally get it. But it was a good experience because I was a college student and I know how to work for difficult people now. Honestly, when she had a drink in her, she was the best. Like, all the assistants would text each other, like, “She’s had a drink! Go in! Mission clear, go!”
Who was your favorite Karjenner?
I didn’t get to know many of them, but I worked mostly with Kris and Kylie. I guess Kylie is my least favorite. Sometimes she was nice, but other times, because she grew up famous, she didn’t really know how to be normal. Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé know what it’s like not to be famous so they know how to be personable. Kim was living in Kris’ house when I was working, and she was actually really sweet any time I interacted with her. Kanye West, definitely number one nicest guy I’ve ever met.
I heard he’s really personable.
Yeah, he’d remember my name. Ask me where I’m from. Really nice guy.
Yeah, I feel like it’s all blown out of proportion when he’s in front of the camera.
Yeah, it’s like that for everyone in that world. Honestly, it’s really cliche to say this, but it’s hard to judge someone when you don’t know them off-camera. I feel bad for Kanye West because he gets so much sh*t. I feel bad that all these people get bad reputations when you don’t really know them, or have had a one-on-one interaction with them.
Is there anyone on Pump Rules you would say deserves their reputation because you know them both on and off camera?
Well, I haven’t seen the new season.
Well, Jax cheated on Brittany and Scheana was obsessed with Rob so you didn’t miss much.
I actually remember that day . I was working at SUR and everyone was at Scheana’s party.
Is Scheana the one that deserves the reputation? My money’s on her.
Ugh, honestly I don’t really like Scheana. I don’t have a problem with her but she’s the fakest girl I’ve ever met. Like, she’d come up from behind me and hug me and then I’d hear from other people that she was talking sh*t about me. So I actually think she comes off as way too good on the show. Jax is a horrible cheater but he’s always been so nice to me. Scheana, I like her least.
So how did you get your job with Corinne?
It’s so funny because I feel like everything I’ve been involved with entertainment-wise… has been so random. I was a fan because I watched The Bachelor for the first time ever. Had never seen it before Nick’s season. I thought Corinne was so funny.
I never watched it either but then I watched it for her.
Me too! I actually had a lot of friends who said, “You’re just like this girl!”
Me too! So you just saw on her Instagram story that she was hiring an assistant and DMed her?
Yeah, and she DMed me her email right away. Like, she called me a day later, interviewed me on the phone, and I went to her house a week later.
So what was an interview with Corinne like?
Um, I don’t think she’s ever interviewed somebody for a position before. It didn’t seem very professional. She just asked me a couple of random questions about my experience and was like, “Okay, you’re hired.”
So what was the day in the life of being Corinne’s assistant?
It started off with me helping her grocery shop, or just going with her to some filming thing. It was some interview, and I Snapchatted her on her phone. Even from the beginning, she said, “Part of this job is just being with me because I don’t like being alone.” I’m really shy before I get to know someone, and so she thought I was really shy and quiet. But I would just go with her to do things. And we became friends. It was kind of just me accompanying her to random interviews, or doing Fear Factor with her. We were on that for like, five minutes, but it was funny.
So you were more of like, no offense, the Jonathan Cheban to her Kim Kardashian than her Stephanie Shepard?
There seems to be an overlap between Pump Rules and the Bachelor franchise. What are your thoughts on Kristen Doute calling Corinne satanic and psychotic?
I actually don’t know the story behind that, but I saw Kristen do it and thought it was awesome.
What about Scheana and Robby Hayes?
Haven’t heard anything about it. Usually, when I hear Scheana’s name I just tune out because I don’t like her.
What other Bachelor franchise stars did you hang out with?
Oh, I love Jasmine. She was a cool chick.
I thought she seemed crazy.
No, she’s normal. Alexis is really funny. I met Rachel and her fiancé and they were really nice. But they’re not really close with Corinne.
Images: GG Gilbert-Soto; Giphy (4); Author (1)
On a scale of 1 to Jennifer Aniston’s nipples in every episode of Friends, how excited are you for season 7 of Vanderpump Rules? The show hasn’t even aired a trailer for the upcoming season, but they’re clearly filming their juiciest episodes yet. How do we know this? Their social media drama, of course! Social media is an echo chamber of narcissism, debauchery, and bullsh*t, so obviously it’s where attention whores who have no other creative outlet or means to find contentment or validation reign king. Here’s the lowdown on the juiciest Vanderpump Rules social media drama this summer.
Lala Kent’s Following List
Lala Kent is the realest b*tch on the show. Well, not externally, because she’s pumped full of silicone and fillers. But as your middle school guidance counselor said, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” Not that you listened to her, because she wore adult braces and bought clothes from Talbots, but it totally applies here. Anyway, Lala is very selective with who she follows, so her following list on Instagram is always a good go-to to see what’s up. Who is she following? Logan Noh, who spread rumors that he had a gay affair with James Kennedy, with whom Lala is not on good terms at the moment. The enemy of your enemy is your ride-or-die, right?
But who isn’t she following? First off, her own fiancé. And he doesn’t follow her back. How very Justin Bieber of him. But she legit did that to keep him under wraps and the cat’s kinda out of the bag because he proposed to her and gave her an engagement ring so big you can see it from the 405. Even more interesting, though? She’s not following Billie Lee anymore, who she was buddy-buddy with last season. We’ll get to that in a moment.
Chrissy Teigen’s Tweets
Chrissy Teigen is known for being pretty candid on Twitter as much as she’s known for being obsessed with Vanderpump Rules, so it was juicy AF when she told all 10 million of her followers that there’s a couple of “Vanderpumpers” she does NOT like.
For the record, any interaction I’ve had with kim or nene has been delightful. And hilarious. All the housewives, really. There was only one vanderpumper that needed a good push back down to earth
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 24, 2018
Who could that “Vanderpumper” be? My money’s on Scheana because…well, I’m mature enough to admit I’m immature enough to be biased and I just do not like her. But whatever. No personal questions, please.
Jax Taylor’s Instagram Freakout
Jax Taylor is prone to a lot of social media hate, and he is quicker with the block button than Jonathan Cheban is. But he rarely goes on social media rants. For example, he could’ve easily stuck up for his now-fiancée Brittany when she was being body-shamed, but he didn’t. He could’ve stuck up for James Kennedy after he threw James under the bus and made up a rumor that he cheated on Raquel with Kristen, but he didn’t. So he decided to pick a really weird hill to die on: when someone told him that they hoped his dog gets run over by a car. Whoa. Way harsh, Tai.
View this post on Instagram
Say what you want about me, I give zero fucks if you like me or not, but if you go after people or animals that don’t have a voice you deserve everything that comes your way, make no mistake it’s social media absolutely no reason for this kind of behavior, it’s calculated. Saying Sorry will not work with me. I have ZERO tolerance for this, you have been warned. You want to be “cute” or “brave” or think you are funny, you have that right. But I will find you. This has to end now. Build others up that don’t have a voice in life make everyone feel special. I am not bullying this “college girl who is apparently smart enough to be in school but not smart enough to not bully people on social media. The “I am sorry” or the “poor me” will not work with me. And all ignoring does is allow more school shootings, more suicides it has to fucking start somewhere. Learn from this move on and change your ways, turning your head and ignoring in this day and age does nothing. I am tired of it. Enjoy your day. You all deserve to be happy. And lastly I am not saying to attack anyone or even this person I am saying this so people are aware of what is going on and to report them. It’s a shame I had to use this person as an example but it has to start somewhere.
Look, as any sorority girl would tweet, “I honestly love dogs more than boys,” and that’s true. Dogs being better than humans is an incontrovertible truth. But Jax throwing a sorority girl level fit on social media is just kinda weird. Like, you’ll let people insult you and your friends on the regular, but this is where you draw the line? I guess Lisa’s Vanderpump Dogs foundation has been really making an impact on Jax.
Billie Lee’s Feud With The Entire ‘VPR’ Cast
Okay, so last season was one big competition to see who could be the most vocal about how inspiring and wonderful Billie Lee is. And it’s true—her journey is incredible. But this summer the claws finally came out on social media. And it’s about damn time, because science shows that the amount of inspirational quotes you post on social media is directly proportional to how ridiculous you are in real life. Okay, that study hasn’t happened yet, but I’m currently crowdsourcing the funding for it, so hit me up in the comments. But for real, science has already proven that those gym selfies you take may make you a narcissist, so it’s only a matter of time before Harvard gets on studying inspirational quotes too.
Anyway, Billie Lee first caught our eye on Instagram when she called everyone out about being excluded in the planning of SUR ladies’ night, and wasn’t tagged in a picture promoting the event. Stassi and Tom called her melodramatic, and since it’s Vanderpump Rules, this was only the beginning. A few weeks later, Billie posted an Instagram about hosting a brunch with James Kennedy and threw some shade at some of her SUR family, most of whom were off partying in Mexico.
Billie Lee and the whole gang still follow each other after the tiff over ladies’ night, but interestingly enough, she and Lala don’t follow each other. Could she be the rotten egg Billie Lee was throwing shade at?
Kristen Doute Calling Corinne Olympios Satanic
Look, in terms of star quality, Doute’s gone downhill. She’s no longer Crazy Kristen, and she doesn’t deliver when it comes to quotes that I can use in reaction gifs, my Hinge bio, or on my tombstone. And Corinne hasn’t really been delivering either in those departments since her Bachelor days. A Doute vs. Olympios brawl is very interesting me to me, and also very necessary for their careers. So it was deliciously dramatic when Kristen dropped this gem on her Instagram story:
Corinne has yet to respond, but I have been waiting with bated breath for the story behind this. Kristen, please deliver!
Adam Firing Shots At “Haters”
Okay, so we were wrong: Scheana and Robby Hayes weren’t dating. It was probably just a publicity stunt. But we were right about Adam and Scheana hooking up! Looks like Scheana has a type: guys that are so vain that they probably FaceTune their own d*ck pics. Much like Billie Lee, Adam really didn’t deliver on the drama last season. He was literally used as a prop. So Adam followed in Billie Lee’s footsteps and decided to start sh*t on Instagram. And he decided to do it with a pic of Scheana with a caption that was a sophomoric attempt at shade.
View this post on Instagram
ADAM IS USING SCHEANA FOR CAMERA TIME SCHEANA IS USING ADAM AS A REBOUND GUY ADAM IS A BROKE BAR BACK SCHEANA HAS HAD SO MUCH “WORK DONE” ADAM LOOKS SO “METHY” I HATE SCHEANA’S VOICE ADAM HAS ZERO PERSONALITY SCHEANA LOOKS ANOREXIC CAN THEY PLEASE STOP PUSHING ADAM ON US SCHEANA IS GETTING FAT ISN’T HE THE GUY THAT SHE TRIED TO SET BRITTANY UP WITH ADAM IS SO THIRSTY ANYONE ELSE>SCHEANA AND ADAM YEAH YEAH WE KNOW -Scheana and Adam????
Adam is really taking a page out of Taylor Swift’s playbook here, thinking that acknowledging that you know the criticisms people are leveling at you amounts to any sort of real response or ownership of your actions. It doesn’t, so take your fingers off the caps lock, k?
Shay Firing Shots At Scheana
Finally! Some fire from Shay! It’s always fun to get some new blood in the mix. You probably remember Shay from the first few seasons of Pump Rules. If you don’t remember him, I forgive you because he was pretty forgettable. His silent demeanor was often eclipsed by Scheana being…well, Scheana. During the reunion, Scheana was weirdly singing Shay’s praises after airing him and his personal problems out for ratings (and attention). She said Rob was quick to break up with her because of the show, while Shay stuck by her. Aww, so sweet. Does that mean they’ve kissed and made up?
Oops, guess not.
Long story short, this season is going to be amazing. Buckle up, betches.
Since Sacha Baron Cohen’s Who Is America has come out, it’s been a delightful and cringeworthy surprise every episode to see which GOP lawmaker he gets to drop their pants. For those not watching, he literally got a Georgia state representative to pull his pants down and yell racial slurs. While I want to completely blame the state rep for doing this, I also must ask, where are his damn staffers? I’ve watched enough West Wing to know they’re always close by and nervous about their boss’ every move. Feels like a set up on all accounts?
Anyways, Baron Cohen took a break from ruining the careers of politicians and decided to harass a public figure of another kind: cheese pasta loving Bachelor contestant with a nanny, Corinne Olympios. But why, you might ask? Is this retribution for napping through the rose ceremony? What does taking her down do for the public? Nothing really, and that’s the problem!
Olympios was asked to don an ebola suit, something she managed to still make sexy, and encourage people to adopt child soldiers. It’s nothing terrible, but it’s definitely strange and out of her wheelhouse. (Her wheelhouse, if you remember, includes bouncy houses and napping.) She had been told this was for winning “reality star of the year” for some random British outlet, and she did no research into it because, well, she’s Corinne.
But she knew something was shady when they took her phone from her and made her manager go away. It’s also obvious watching it that she is super uncomfortable. She told the Daily Beast, “I was getting really upset and I had no idea what was going on, I just want to get out of there, so I just did it.”
There seems to be no reason behind Baron Cohen pranking her, which feels extra mean? I’m all for a good all-American prank but do it to someone who deserves it, like racist politicians or Dick Cheney (another racist politician.) Also, pulling a woman into a fake photoshoot and then forcing her to do weird stuff she doesn’t really understand just feels like a bad look in 2018. Especially when part of that trick includes taking her phone and refusing to get her manager after multiple requests for them to be brought back in the room. Especially when that very same Bachelor contestant was embroiled in a pretty public sexual abuse-related scandal.
Luckily Corinne knows how to spin a story and released a statement saying “I’m so excited to be a part of his new project.” Like a true mogul, every prank is a project, all press is good press, etc etc. But next time, Baron Cohen should pick on someone who actually deserves it. *cough*Arie*cough*
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There’s a lot that can be learned from spending two to six hours a week
being held hostage by ABC watching The Bachelor (despite what my therapist tries to tell me). For example, if I didn’t watch, how would I know what’s in the latest FabFitFun boxes? Imagine what I’d be missing out on. RIDDLE ME THAT, THERAPIST. But the one lesson that’s been drilled into my head more than any other, episode after episode, is that these women do not come to play. And by “play” I mean in any way ruin the carefully painted-on face they show to the cameras. Dismissed night one before the girl who showed up wearing a giant fucking shark suit? She still looks better than me in my last professionally done headshot photo. Dumped on national television by the man who two weeks ago literally vowed to “choose you today and every other day”? She looks fucking flawless. Like, is there some sort of witchcraft happening on my TV screen? Because I do not for one fucking second believe these ladies just woke up like that. Nah. There’s something far more sinister going on here, like maybe that these ladies have extraordinary taste in makeup products. Luckily for you, betches, I do too. So here’s a definitive list of the best Bachelor-proof mascaras that will literally save your life, whether you’re dumped by a wet linguini noodle on national television or you just saw a cute puppy.
The Best Cry-Proof Mascara
Perhaps one of the most
thrilling devastating moments in Bachelor history was when Becca got straight-up dumped on national goddamn television after saying yes to Arie’s proposal on The Bachelor finale. And I do not at all believe that Arie uses this footage to get it up before banging the female version of C3PO minus the personality Lauren B (yes I do). Anyway, after the finale Becca said the one thing she learned from this experience was that men shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us “it’s always good to have waterproof mascara on hand—with this show, you never know when you’re going to cry.” Yeahhhh, that’s what I’m taking away from this experience too… Becca said her favorite brand of cry-proof mascara is Too Faced Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara, and I’m actually in total agreement with her on this one. It’s a cult favorite for a reason. Not only does it come in the best Betches approved color, black (duh), but it’s also suuuuper volumizing without making your lashes stiff and gross.
Too Faced Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara
The Best Eyelash Extension-Friendly Mascara
Ah, yes. What would a list of Bachelor-proof mascaras be without Human Fountain of Tears, Ashley Iaconetti? If you’re wondering why Ashley didn’t get the coveted spot of “cry-proof mascara” example, then shame on you because Ashley is so much more than a (literal) cry for help. For example, Ashley also has some insane eyelash extensions that should also be represented here. She’s well-rounded like that. Ashley did a makeup tutorial back in 2016 when she wasn’t wearing eyelash extensions, and she said she uses L’Oréal Voluminous False Fiber Lashes Mascara when she doesn’t have them in.
L’Oréal Voluminous False Fiber Lashes Mascara
But since I’d venture the amount of time Ashley spends without her eyelash extensions in is about equivalent to the time I spend at the gym, let’s discuss some extension-friendly mascara options. As every Cosmo girl here knows, in order to make your extensions last as long as humanly possible, you’re supposed to avoid using mascara, period. That said, if you think any of these bitches are going to show up on live fucking television with one single ounce of their real faces showing, you better think a-fucking-gain. That’s where Maybelline Great Lash comes in clutch, especially if you have eyelash extensions but also if you hate revealing your true face (hi). For one, it’s not an oil-based mascara so it won’t fuck with the glue and loosen your extensions. It’s also super lightweight and looks natural so, like Ashley, you can pretend to be a chill low-maintenance girl (at least in front of the guy your pretending hasn’t friend-zoned your ass).
Maybelline Great Lash Mascara
The Best “Surviving Paradise” Mascara
If you’re less of a perfectionist and more of a
Lace person in need of a keeper to supervise your every movement, then you’re gonna need a mascara that keeps up with your ratchet ass. Blinc Mascara is some good shit and will be the only thing keeping you from looking like Lace seconds after she face-plants into her marg when you’re out day drinking. Seriously. This shit does not budge, flake, or smudge, AND it’s tear-proof. Like, it can survive you openly weeping when your Seamless guy calls you to say your pizza will be a few minutes late. The only downside is that it’s not super buildable—this shit dries in literally 90 seconds or less so you better be quick AF when you apply it. But, like, if you’re already planning to black out and ruin your life while looking flawless, then who tf even cares?
The Best Nap-Proof Mascara
ABC did not know what a GEM they had on their hands when they let Corinne Olympios grace all of our lives with her presence on Nick’s season, because that girl is a fucking wise-ass betch. Seriously. There’s no one I learned more valuable life lessons from than the nap queen herself. And one of those lessons is that love can wait until after you’ve napped. Honestly, inspiring. So when you’re napping on national television and then rolling out of bed for a shitty group date, you’re going to need a mascara that doesn’t rub all over your face when you sleep. We asked Corinne, and she said she uses Maybelline Total Temptation mascara.
Maybelline Total Temptation Mascara
If you’re a little bougie and want to invest more than like, $9 in waking up looking like you didn’t just claw yourself out of your own fresh grave, then you’re gonna want to buy Clinique Lash Power Mascara, because it is a goddamn game changer. It’s got an ophthalmologist-approved formula that lengthens the shit out of your lashes but, like, without any irritation. Also, it legit never smudges, even when you sleep. Blessings.
Images: Giphy (5); blincinc.com (1); toofaced.com (1); maybelline.com (I); clinique.com (1)
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With The Bachelorette starting soon, featuring American’s Minnesoooootan sweetheart, Becca K., I am predicting it will be super fucking dull. Which is actually a compliment to Becca, because it means she’s a very nice, normal girl who is unlikely to have a mental breakdown on national television. And let’s be real, if she was going to freak the fuck out, it probably would have been during the bullshit that was her un-proposal. So unless they are able to find the male Corinne to shake things up, I’m assuming we’ll be watching a nice, normal girl from Minnesota date nice, normal men. Boring AF. The real excitement is going to be the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, which will start later this summer. We know a whole slew of Arie’s rejects will be there (stoner Bekah, Raven look-alike and BFF Tia, Bibiana, and Seinne, to name a few), but will these bitches find love? In order to answer that, we had to look to which Bachelor in Paradise couples are actually together less than a year later. Going off how many Bachelor couples are still together, it seems like getting a bunch of singles drunk on an island actually makes for more lasting relationships than just letting one guy choose between 35 Laurens. Who knew?? Anyway, here are the Bachelor in Paradise couples who defied all odds and still talk to each other.
1. Derek & Emotionally Intelligent Taylor
Full disclosure, Derek and Taylor were not one of my favorite Bachelor in Paradise couples, but they seem happy now so I guess I’m thrilled for them or whatever. I don’t think Taylor smiled the entire time in Paradise, and Derek is the poor man’s Jim Halpert. Sue me. Derek and Taylor got engaged on the After Paradise special last season, and judging by their Instagram posts, they are still together and take lots of free vacations. (Must be nice.) How much would you like to bet me that they’ll have a
fake wedding on this season’s premiere of Paradise just like Carly and Evan, Lacy and Marcus, etc? (Sidenote: love that after their pretend wedding, Lacy stopped speaking to Marcus. Just iconic level ghosting.)
2. Raven & Adam
This relationship was confusing to me, mostly because Adam was the guy who brought his creepy AF little doll of himself on his season of The Bachelorette and again to Paradise. Shivers. Adam must finally be giving Raven orgasms, because they are shockingly still together. UsWeekly even reported a while back that they’re moving in together, so maybe we can add them to the docket of Paradise weddings. Even though initially I felt like Raven only chose Adam for more air time, now these two are one of the stronger Bachelor in Paradise couples. I don’t want to ask how the doll is involved in this.
3. Corinne & Demario (Sort Of)
Un-fucking-believably, Corinne and Demario spent Valentine’s Day together this year. I really did enjoy the After Paradise special where Corinne basically said, “I’m sorry I insinuated that you assaulted me, and I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.” The whole thing was crazy and unsettling and I will throw my TV out the window if we spend any time of the upcoming season discussing this bullshit again. Corinne and Demario don’t officially seem to be dating, but who knows? They did go to Disney together, and I feel like if you can remain friends with someone after a sexual misconduct scandal, anything is possible. What a great story for them to tell their kids one day.
Images: @taymocha, @demariojackson_ / Instagram; Giphy
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!
Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything
for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.
Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.
Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison
emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.
^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn
Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.
Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.
So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!
Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.
Lacey is the first one
on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?
LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY
desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?
DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.
Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.
JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.
Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.
“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.
*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.
My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.
Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!
It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA??
I. AM. SHOOK.
Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:
Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.
Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.
ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?
AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.
THE FANTASY SUITE DATE
The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.
Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.
Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.
Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to
emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.
GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?
Yes, yes you did.
Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she
can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.
AFTER THE FINAL
TEQUILA SHOT ROSE
Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.
Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.
Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.
CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?
DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.
CORINNE: I am also in therapy.
Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!
Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?
They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…
They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.
DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*
GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?
Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.
Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.
That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.
And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a
father figure free babysitter for her kids.
Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.
Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.
Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.
CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?
DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?
And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.
So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is
a boob job an open mind and an open heart.
Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?
Whatever. I guess Derek
has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.
Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.
The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very
staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!