Celebrities are really just not like us, a fact they continue to prove every day in their little interviews and their little Insta stories showing their not-at-all-little mansions. This week’s weird celebrity trend? Not bathing, apparently.
On Thursday, Jake Gyllenhaal’s interview with Vanity Fair came out. He spoke with the outlet about many things, including his new Michael Bay movie and fragrance campaign. Oh yeah, and washing himself. Or, more accurately, not washing himself.
It began when the interviewer asked Gyllenhaal about his “defining water experiences” in “aquatic New York”—basically, his experiences in and around the water surrounding Manhattan. Gyllenhaal, despite being a celebrity and having an estimated net worth of $80 million, doesn’t spend much of his time, say, doing bougie sh*t on boats (or so he claims). He says most of his aquatic interactions with the city are “through showering” (same). Which is all fine and good, except in a follow-up question, the actor revealed he actually doesn’t shower all that much.
“More and more I find bathing to be less necessary, at times,” Jake replied, when asked about his showering routine. To his credit, he did say he believes “that good manners and bad breath get you nowhere.” So the man brushes his teeth, at least. But then, and here’s where it took an eyebrow-raising turn, he added, “But I do also think that there’s a whole world of not bathing that is also really helpful for skin maintenance, and we naturally clean ourselves.”
(The interview immediately moved on to a discussion of Gyllenhaal’s collaboration with Russ & Daughters, so we didn’t get much more on his views of skin maintenance.)
This revelation came just days after Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard went on The View and admitted they can go “sometimes five, six days” between bathing their kids. Bell explained that once the kiddos start to smell, then the couple knows it’s bath time. And before ye judge, let he who has not lost track of the days during the pandemic cast the first stone.
And they’re not the only celebrities to publicly eschew daily showers or baths. Late last month, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher appeared on Shepard’s podcast, Armchair Expert, where they again talked about bathing. Kutcher said the couple’s philosophy on bathing their children goes as follows: “If you can see the dirt on them, clean them. Otherwise, there’s no point”. I mean, that is the philosophy I use with respect to cleaning my kitchen floor, but for the human body??
Kutcher also said that as far as his own showers go, he’ll wash his “armpits and my crotch daily and nothing else ever,” although he will, as he described, “throw some water on my face after a workout to get all the salts out.” But how is his skin better than mine???
Even though I personally find showering to be a chore, I shudder at the thought of not doing it regularly. But are the celebrities onto something? Healthline boldly declares, “soap is pretty much unnecessary”, and says, “All you absolutely need, bare bones, to stay clean is water. Just water.” The reason? Water rinses away dirt without stripping important oils from your skin the way conventional soaps can, since they often have a high pH. And according to Bustle, your arms and legs don’t need to be soaped down every day since they don’t produce that much oil. Today noted in 2014 that, since soap is designed to strip oils from the skin, it can cause over-drying, and isn’t necessary on the chest or back, either.
While that may be true, people on social media were quick to point out the inherent privilege in these celebs’ statements. Jemele Hill tweeted that while these white celebrities brazenly discussed their lax showering philosophies, “Black folks don’t have that luxury.” She added, “*Most* of us were raised to be obsessively clean because we always have to ‘present well’ for white folks.”
Though I will be second-guessing any desire to get within smelling distance of the aforementioned famous people, there is at least one celebrity crush we can keep. On Friday, The Rock took to Twitter to assure fans that he does, in fact, shower.
“Nope, I’m the opposite of a ‘not washing themselves’ celeb,” the former Sexiest Man Alive tweeted. And, in fact, his routine might put yours to shame: “Shower (cold) when I roll outta bed to get my day rollin’,” he wrote. “Shower (warm) after my workout before work. Shower (hot) after I get home from work. Face wash, body wash, exfoliate and I sing (off key) in the shower”.
And a final note to influencers: nobody is asking about your showering routine, so please don’t even go there.
Images: C Flanigan/FilmMagic; Cindy Ord/Getty Images; lev radin / Shutterstock.com
Raise your hand if you’re a messy b*tch who thrives on drama and other people’s misfortunes. If you didn’t raise both of your hands and feet, then you might want to get out now because this post is for gossip mongers only. You’ve been warned. Now that that’s been handled, welcome, bottom feeders, to the book round-up you never knew you wanted! Celebrities are literally always trying to sell a memoir about their innermost secrets and are constantly disappointing me and the register girl at Barnes & Noble when she sees me coming to return a book five days after purchase. Most times, these so-called “tell-alls” are just a way to revive a career, promote a new season of their show, or just generally cling to their relevance for another five seconds. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m not shelling out $27 for a hardcover version of information I could’ve tracked down through a semi-intense dive into their social media. So, for those of you craving the real tea and gossip that’s juicier than whatever your Aunt Linda is about to spill at the Thanksgiving dinner table, these are the celebrity memoirs for you.
Inside Out by Demi Moore
We’ve talked about this one before but, y’all, Demi Moore’s new memoir is actually bonkers. Not only does she finally open up about her marriage to Ashton Kutcher (#tbt) and the wild threesomes they used to have to try (in vain) to save their marriage, but she also talks about her meteoric rise to fame and struggles with addiction. She doesn’t just come for her ex Ashton Kutcher, either (though that in itself is messy as hell and way worth the read). She comes for ALL of Hollywood: she dishes on her other ex-husband Bruce Willis and one-time flame Rob Lowe. She even speaks to that one time Jon Cryer publicly declared she took his virginity, claiming he’d been with other women before and that he was just “bad at sex.” HE WAS JUST BAD AT SEX. I’m dead. Deceased. This isn’t just a book, it’s a Hollywood hit list and a petty work of art. Basically, a must-read. We bow down to you, Demi.
My Friend Anna by Rachel DeLoache Williams
In another article I wrote for this site, I made a bold statement when I compared those who are actively not following the Anna Delvey story to mole people, and I still stand by that statement. When news broke about Anna Delvey, the fake German heiress who somehow managed to con $200K out of Manhattan’s elite party scene, I was completely captivated. How did she get away with this? And do any of her friends understand how Venmo works? These were the questions that kept me up at night. My Friend Anna focuses on those friends, the people she scammed, and how she got away with it—one friend in particular, who arguably got hit the worst by Anna’s cons. Written by her former friend Rachel Williams, whom Anna personally scammed out of $62,000 during one lavish vacation, this book reads like a twisty thriller about a sociopath, except everything actually happened IRL. For those looking to familiarize yourself with the story before Shonda Rhimes’ new Anna Delvey Netflix series drops, then I URGE you to pick up this book. Rachel answers probably every single question you’ve ever had about Anna.
Coreyography by Corey Feldman
For those of you who are like “who tf is Corey Feldman” just know that I’m marking you for the youth you so clearly are, and I hope you can feel my shame through this screen. Corey Feldman was one of my FAVORITE child stars and starred in cult classics such as The Goonies and Stand By Me. He was the height of ‘80s fame and also a childhood crush of mine. I still secretly harbor ill wishes towards that trollop Stef for getting to make out with him during The Goonies. I will say, post-child star fame, Corey has not fared well. He’s battled with drug addiction and, to my knowledge, has not landed an acting role since we entered the 21st century. His memoir, Coreyography (great title tbh), sheds light on this. In his book he talks about the dark underbelly of Hollywood for child stars: from getting hooked on drugs at a young age to the rampant sexual abuse he experienced during his time in the lime light and his “innocent” friendship with the late Michael Jackson. This book can be pretty heavy and, at times, even triggering, but it’s definitely worth the read.
It’s Not Okay by Andi Dorfman 
This one is for all you Bachelor Nation fans out there. Andi Dorfman, ex-Bachelorette and Mike Fliess’s worst nightmare, wrote a tell-all back in 2016 about her time as The Bachelorette. Not only did she give us an inside look at what actually happens during the fantasy suite dates, but she wasn’t afraid to talk sh*t about her exes Nick Viall and Josh Murray. You love to see it. It is the ultimate burn book for all things Bachelor and Nick Viall, which should be reason enough to pick this one up.
Darkness to Light by Lamar Odom
I, personally, have been waiting for Jordyn Woods to set her NDA on fire and break the internet by releasing her own tell-all about the Kardashians, but until then I’ll settle for Lamar Odom’s memoir. Former NBA player and ex-husband to Khloé Kardashian, Odom spilled all the tea when his memoir came out at the beginning of the summer. Tbh I feel like the Khloé Kardashian drama is the least exciting of all the bombshells he dropped in this book. Like, for example, did you know that he used a FAKE PENIS to pass a drug test before the Olympics? HOW?? Or that he was a host to multiple orgies when he lived in Miami? For people who Keep Up, or those who just really want a wild read, then you need to binge this one ASAP.
A Song For You: My Life With Whitney Houston by Robyn Crawford
This book was just released this week, and it’s already everywhere. The author, Robyn Crawford, is the late Whitney Houston’s longtime best friend, and in her memoir she comes clean about the romantic rumors that swirled for a long time regarding her friendship with Houston. Crawford confirms that her and Houston did have a romantic and sexual relationship in the early 1980s, but called things off when Houston started to get famous because Houston said it would “make our journey even more difficult.” It’s been rumored for a while that Houston was bisexual (her ex-husband Bobby Brown made a comment about it in 2016), but nothing has been confirmed, as Houston passed away in 2012. Whitney Houston is an absolute legend and this book shines a light on aspects of her life that have never been released to the public.
Open by Andre Agassi
Even if you’re not a big tennis fan, or your idea of being “sporty” consists of going to a bar on Sunday in your ex-boyfriend’s stolen jersey, you’ll still love Andre Agassi’s memoir if you’re a fan of juicy gossip. Agassi, who was known early in his career for his giant hair, admitted that he actually wore a wig on the tennis court once his hair started to thin. Impossible beauty standards at it again!! Honestly, he looks better with a shaved head anyway. Over in the personal life department, we also get an inside look at his failed marriage to Brooke Shields. He comes clean about testing positive for meth (yikes) in 1997, and basically says he did drugs because he was scared to marry Brooke (double yikes). He also admits that he blamed his assistant to avoid the consequences of said positive drug test. Weird, this reads a lot like my last boyfriend’s explanations for why we broke up.
Ladies Who Punch by Ramin Setoodeh
I haven’t watched The View in years, mostly because I’m not a middle-aged housewife, but I still couldn’t put this book down. Journalist Ramin Setoodeh somehow managed to interview basically everyone involved with the show in its 20-year history, and the behind-the-scenes drama is messier than your Sunday brunch that turns into “one more drink” at a bar nearby. This book has the tea on how basically everyone who has ever left the show was fired, even though they acted like leaving was their choice. You’ll read about how Star Jones used the show to get her entire wedding free, and of course, all the drama with Rosie O’Donnell. But for me, the craziest thing was that Barbara Walters basically had to be pushed out when she retired, and the producers had to forcibly stop her from extending her contract. What a way to go.
Images: Amazon (8)
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have been divorced since 2013, but the drama of their marriage is once again making headlines. Sh*t hit the fan with the release of Demi’s new book, Inside Out, but the details of the couple’s drama aren’t juicy and fun in a Bachelor/reality-show-mess kind of way, but rather in an invasive-and-left-me-feeling-like-I-eavesdropped-on-something-that-I-shouldn’t-have kind of way. Demi Moore’s memoir, which was released on September 24th, details Moore’s very tumultuous childhood. In her prime (a phrase steeped in ageism and misogyny, but whatever), Moore was the highest paid actress in Hollywood and nicknamed “Gimme Moore” by men who should just go shave their backs.
Basically, all this stuff has been coming out because Demi revealed a lot in her memoir, and in her media appearances promoting the memoir. In an interview with Good Morning America’s Diane Sawyer about why she wrote the memoir, Demi opened up about all the gritty details of her childhood before she got into the drama in her adult life, first during a 10-year marriage with Bruce Willis and then in her marriage with Ashton. She and Ashton met at a dinner party in 2003 and were married by 2005. It was a big deal at the time because she was 15 years his senior, something she mentioned would never be a big deal if it were the other way around—her ex-husband Bruce Willis married a woman 23 years younger than him, and nobody so much as batted an eye. At the time of her marriage to Ashton she was also pregnant, miscarrying six months into the pregnancy. She then spent years trying to conceive through in-vitro fertilization, to no avail.
She eventually talked about how she and Ashton separated in 2011 after he cheated on her. She explained to Diane Sawyer how she was getting ready to walk the red carpet for a new movie and got a Google alert on her phone saying, “Ashton Kutcher caught cheating.” (Imagine finding out your husband cheated on you via a Google alert while you’re getting glammed for a f*cking red carpet…) She immediately called him: “I asked if it was true and he admitted it right away. I think my response was, are you f*cking kidding me?” She explained this is also around the time she broke her sobriety and started taking Vicodin, up to 12 pills a day, her ex-husband-turned-friend (-turned-I-guess-not-friend?) Bruce was no longer speaking to her, and neither were any of her three daughters. Eventually her disordered eating resurfaced, and in 2012 she ended up passing out and having a seizure at a party after smoking synthetic weed and inhaling nitrous oxide, or what I like to refer to as a typical high school Saturday night, which resulted in her journey back to sobriety and to mending the relationships with her daughters.
So basically, Demi Moore’s memoir is pretty explosive, and it’s dredged up sh*t with Ashton Kutcher in particular. It makes sense, since they were together for so long, but Ashton doesn’t come out looking great in the way Demi tells it. Demi explains in the book how she and Ashton started having threesomes because she thought it would help save their marriage and how she “went into contortions to try to fit the mold of the woman he wanted his wife to be.” She writes, “So when he expressed his fantasy of bringing a third person into our bed, I didn’t say no. I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be.” Which like…is understandable. Love makes you do crazy things that you may not otherwise, and I know I can connect with the feeling of going out my comfort zone to try and hang onto someone that I was never meant to hang on to. On the other hand, I’ve read enough r/relationships to know that men (and women too, probably) often will use a threesome as a way to get permission to cheat on their significant others. LOL, bleak, I know, but people are trash.
In an interview with Ellen DeGeneres on Tuesday, Demi said that her ex-husbands were all given copies of the memoir prior to the release, but mentioned in The Wall Street Journal that they hadn’t read it all yet. According to a recent New York Times profile, Demi “felt strongly that she had the right to share stories that involved her famous ex-husbands if these episodes were principally about her, and she was confident that her portrayals of them did not make them into villains or her into a victim.” She went on to say that she hoped nobody was upset with their portrayals in the book and mentioned how everyone remembers things differently, and this is her story. And according to Ashton’s Twitter he’s salty but sort of….fine?
With all the headlines on the “Demi and Ashton drama”, I assumed I was going to be digging through a ton of sh*t and that I’d find all these terrible bombshells of information, but it seems like Ashton is trying to stay away from any sort of messy situation, even if part of him wants to say his piece.
I was about to push the button on a really snarky tweet. Then I saw my son, daughter, and wife and I deleted it. ❤️
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) September 25, 2019
He followed it up with a tweet saying “‘Life is good.’-Larry Kutcher,” quoting his father, before bizarrely posting:
For truth text me. +1 (319) 519-0576
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) September 25, 2019
Naturally at first I thought “HOLY SH*T LET’S TEXT ASHTON!” Assuming he had an Aaron Carter style breakdown and was ready to spill all the piping hot tea to the first person who called him, but a quick browse through Twitter shows he first posted the number back in July as a way to communicate directly with him, and to no surprise, it sends back an auto-response to a link.
— Ijeoma (@pajamagirl) September 25, 2019
I know...what a goddamn tease. Regardless, it seems the Ashton and Demi drama, like most, is fleeting. Hopefully Demi’s book does well and she once again resurfaces as the most powerful and highest paid woman in Hollywood, because frankly, she’s been through the f*cking ringer and deserves it.
images: Bruce Glikas / Getty Images; Shutterstock; Giphy; aplusk / Twitter (3)
Ashton Kutcher’s life turned into a live-action episode of Dateline last week when he had to testify at a murder trial. No, this was not an elaborate stunt he concocted to convince MTV to bring back Punk’d (although I fully support any show that makes Justin Timberlake cry), this is real life. So now I’m sure you’re thinking, “WTF is Ashton doing testifying in this case, and more importantly, why is he sporting facial hair that makes it look like he’s the sexual predator?” Never fear, FBI agent Sweetest Betch is here to take the case.
So here are the facts. Ashton testified in the case against the “Hollywood Ripper,” who is accused of murdering at least two women, including Ashley Ellerin, a girl Ashton was seeing at the time. The “Hollywood Ripper” is obviously a nickname given to the alleged killer in an attempt to sensationalize the case *check* and terrify the public *check*. My favorite profiler, S.S.A. Agent Hotchner, would not approve. Anyway, the alleged killer’s real name is Michael Gargiulo, so I’m pretty sure he is also a former Bachelorette contestant and my local news anchor.
Here’s what happened. On the night of February 21, 2000, Ashton went over to Ashley’s Hollywood home to pick her up and go out to dinner and drinks. They had spoken earlier that night, at 8:24pm, but by the time Ashton got to her apartment at 10:45pm (for dinner? Really, pal?), Ashley was not answering. Police believe that after talking to Ashton, Ashley was attacked from behind by Gargiulo, who allegedly stabbed her 47 times and then fled the scene. When Ashton got to the apartment, he rang the doorbell but no one answered. He looked in the window and saw what he thought was red wine spilled on the carpet, which he didn’t think was weird because she had had a party days earlier. Ashton left, figuring she bailed on him because he was so late to pick her up. He found out the next day that she had been brutally murdered, and that definitely wasn’t wine. Oh no.
Ashton also testified that the next day police approached him and he was “freaking out” because his fingerprints were on the door. He was never considered a suspect, but imagine if he was falsely imprisoned?! The world would never have been blessed with his star-making turn as Steve Jobs, or been able to Netflix and chill while watching The Ranch, or enjoyed his time on Two and a Half Men, or wait… I’d be kind of fine with that?
Ashley Ellerin was a student at L.A.’s Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising when she met Ashton, and was originally from Northern California. She allegedly encountered Gargiulo when he offered to help her when she had a flat tire, and then he began showing up at her home unannounced. Seriously, and I cannot stress this enough, f*ck that guy.
Gargiulo is also charged with the murder of Maria Bruno, the attempted murder of Michelle Murphy, and is suspected of murdering Tricia Pacaccio. Prosecutors are seeking the death penalty. Based on my knowledge of over 200 hours of Criminal Minds, I can say confidently and with no authority whatsoever that Michael Gargiulo is a human piece of trash. Well he’s worse than that, but I can’t think of better words than that because I’m so mad right now. If he is found guilty, I hope he is sentenced to the maximum punishment and is also forced to watch Two and a Half Men on a loop for the rest of his life. Welcome to the bad place, Michael.
Images: Giphy (2)
It’s been a big year for Lindsay Lohan. She opened her beach clubs in Mykonos and Rhodes, and is supposed to be getting a new reality show sometime soon. I’m not sure whether I love her or hate her at this point, but I’m still fascinated no matter what. For the past few months, she’s basically just been hanging out in Mykonos, posing for pictures with famous people and randos that come to her club. Her mom came to visit, as did my favorite Trump child, Tiffany. But a few days ago, I saw a photo that really made me feel nostalgic. Lindsay was hanging out with Nico Tortorella, one of the names on Lindsay’s infamous “f*ck list.”
If you don’t know about the f*ck list, prepare to have your mind blown. Back in 2014, Lindsay was staying at the Beverly Hilton Hotel with her friends. For reasons unknown, Lindsay filled out a literal Scattergories playing cards with 36 names of people, all of whom it’s assumed she slept with at some point. There are a few names that have always remained blurred out in the photos, but there’s still a ton of material here. Let’s walk down memory list, and check in on some of the greatest hits of Lindsay Lohan’s f*ck list.
Nico Tortorella
Nico Tortorella (who uses neutral pronouns) definitely isn’t the most famous person on the list, but they’re one of the most interesting. Also, they’re probably one of the few that she actually keeps in touch with. This is just a guess, but I’m pretty sure Zac Efron isn’t texting LiLo on the reg. Nico has been in lots of random TV shows and movies, but they’re best known for playing Josh on Younger. Nico is married to Bethany Meyers, and they’re both queer and hot and very into expressing themselves. Lindsay and Nico have been friends since at least 2011, and he even proposed to her as a joke one time. Glad they’re still friends—Lindsay needs some people in her life who aren’t Russian oligarchs.
Jamie Dornan
I gotta say, Lindsay really got in early on this one. Way back in 2006, she and Jamie were rumored to have a fling, but it didn’t really lead anywhere. That was the same year that Jamie had his first movie role, and it was a full nine years before Fifty Shades of Grey came out. I’m pretty sure this means that Jamie Dornan owes his entire career to Lindsay Lohan? Maybe I just need to sleep with Lindsay too, and then my life will stop being a mess.
Justin Timberlake
I must admit, I had truly forgotten about this one. It’s wild to think back to a time when Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake would have been at the same parties. It’s a little unclear exactly when and how this happened, but there is one plausible theory. In 2009, they were allegedly at the same club in New York, and then later Lindsay tweeted (then deleted) “where’s jb cheater?” Speculation is that “jb” could be Jessica Biel, and I’m just thoroughly confused. There’s a 99% chance JT has Lindsay’s number blocked.
Ashton Kutcher & Wilmer Valderrama
Hooking up with both of the hot guys from That ’70s Show is really a classic LiLo move. It’s a known fact that Lindsay dated Wilmer way back in 2004, when she was just 18 years old. Lindsay most likely got with Ashton in 2006, shortly before he started dating Demi Moore. That truly feels like a lifetime ago. Do we think Wilmer was mad at Ashton for sleeping with Lindsay? Bless this mess.
Orlando Bloom
The only known connection between Lindsay and Orlando is that they were both robbed by the Bling Ring. Wow, I really miss 2000s Hollywood. They were both robbed in the summer of 2009, and Lindsay was the last victim before they were arrested. At the time, Orlando was living with Miranda Kerr, but maybe he and Lindsay bonded over their lost stuff? Idk, they also could’ve had sex at literally any other time within the last 15 years. Fun fact: Orlando is a Buddhist, so I feel like he might vibe well with Lindsay’s spiritual energy.
Riley S/Riley G
One of the most random, not famous inclusions on Lindsay’s list is also a personal favorite of mine. The evidence points to this being Riley Giles, a snowboarder who Lindsay met in 2007 in rehab. They apparently dated for a while, and then Riley did some tell-all interviews after they broke up. Cute, I’m sure she appreciated it. Riley said that Lindsay “quit coke and got hooked on sex with me,” and I just threw up in my mouth a little. He called her a “nymphomaniac,” and said they escaped rehab and went to a mountain cabin, where they went at it “like rabbits.” Okay, I hate Riley.
Stavros Niarchos III
Ah yes, Stavros. He’s the heir to a massive shipping fortune, and naturally that’s always made him desirable boyfriend material. In the mid-2000s, he was dating Paris Hilton, and Lindsay allegedly tried to move in on Paris’ territory. It was always rumored that this was the reason Lindsay and Paris stopped being friends, even though Lindsay claimed that’s false. More recently, Stavros has been seeing Dasha Zhukova, which makes a lot of sense. Dasha is a Russian businesswoman who was previously married to Roman Abramovich, a Russian oligarch who’s worth $11 billion. Dasha is clearly good at following the money, and I applaud her. She and Stavros both have private Instagrams with less than 1,000 followers, which is a total power move.
All The Rest
There are a lot more famous names on the f*ck list, so we could be here for days. Highlights include Zac Efron (Lindsay spelled both his first and last name wrong), Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Heath Ledger, James Franco, and Benicio del Toro. Someday, I really hope Lindsay writes a book in which she explains each and every one of these encounters, but that would probably result in approximately 10,000 lawsuits. I’m also very curious to know who’s been added to the list since 2014, because I bet there are some really interesting artistic choices. Thanks for all the great memories Lindsay, please never change.
Images: @trackers88 / Instagram; @nicotortorella / Instagram; Giphy (2)
It’s fucking December, guys. As much as I wonder where the hell this year went (since I must’ve been blacked out for most of it), I’m beyond glad it’s almost over. 2017 was pretty shitty, tbh, so here’s to hoping 2018 is slightly better—only because I don’t think it can get any worse. On the bright side, soon enough, we’ll be bundled up for freezing temperatures, yet happily living as recluses for the next three months. With the holiday and winter season approaching, it brings with it a bunch of TV shows and movies we’ll gladly binge on the couch instead of tending to our social lives. Whether you’re using your boyfriend’s, ex-roommate’s, or you actually have your own account, log into Netflix, grab cheap wine from Target, and get comfy. Here are eight shows and movies to binge while you eat shitty takeout and live your best life in hibernation.
Movies
‘V For Vendetta’
After a batshit crazy war occurs in London, the city is overtaken by a controlling psychotic government. The hero in the film, who goes by V (…couldn’t tell you why), tries to fight back in order to get the world back to some sort of normalcy. Along the way, he crosses paths with Natalie Portman, who plays Evey. Together, they probably fall in love, bring world peace, and live happily ever after. I haven’t seen this tbh, so whether or not that’s actually the ending, this movie is supposedly v good and worth the watch.
‘Hitch’
This all-time classic is one you’ve most likely seen only because it randomly plays during the weekends on E!. Either way, it totally sets the mood for a much-needed girls night rom-com. Will Smith is a “date doctor” in this film, aka that friend who helps you come up with your Hinge messages before there was even Hinge. He helps mentor people with like, corny pickup lines in order to score them a date with someone clearly out of their league. When Smith meets a girl for himself, his cliché tricks fail to work on his journalist girlfriend as she slowly learns his true identity. Moral of the story: You can’t ever lie to us girls. We will find out. And we will kill you.
‘8 Mile’
Netflix is taking us back to remind us why we fell in love with Eminem to begin with. Not only is he totally hot, protective, and like, family-oriented, but he’s also a humble rapper (who may or may not dream about killing his ex-wife). The late 90’s film is based on Eminem’s actual tough upbringing, his struggles on becoming a famed musician, and most definitely, the only reason you know every word to “Lose Yourself.”
‘The Santa Clause’
It’s obvs December, so be prepared for holiday classics and annoying Hallmark movies coming everywhere to a screen near you. Netflix has a ton lined up for this month, including all three parts of The Santa Clause. In this classic, Tim Allen “accidentally” kills a man dressed as Santa (um, I thought this was a family movie?) and is immediately transported to the North Pole. He’s forced to take Santa’s place on Christmas, and suddenly, he begins to gain weight like crazy and grow a long white beard. After he realizes he’s neither dreaming nor really fucking high, he decides to take on the job and all of the obstacles that come with it.
TV Shows:
‘Dark’ Season 1
This new German series circles around a small town and its shitty, corrupt past when two children go missing. When families go searching for them, they’re introduced to shady af people who apparently are the reason why their town sucks to begin with. Supposedly full of twists, time travel, and supernatural stuff, this is being hailed as the next Stranger Things. The first season is going to be extremely binge-worthy when it’s too cold to function outside.
‘The Crown’ Season 2
It has already been awarded the Golden Globe Award for Best Television Drama Series, so with its second season premiere around the corner, we can only hope it exceeds our expectations. The Netflix original is based on the life of Queen Elizabeth II and all those who were a part of it, from the 1940s to modern era. This may sound like your average history lesson, but I assure you, the royal Gossip Girl-like show is much juicier and more interesting than that.
‘Fuller House’ Season 3
Season 3 of Fuller House comes back this month (again) without the Olsen twins, because quite frankly, they obvs have better things to do than to pretend to be Bob Saget’s teen daughters. Um, same. The new season brings more cheesy storylines, annoying af Kimmy Gibbler, and new (hopefully attractive) love interests.
‘The Ranch’ Part 4
In case you haven’t watched a single minute of this, because same, Ashton Kutcher plays a true fuckboy-wannabe in this series. After his football career failed, he decides to run a ranch with family he hasn’t seen in over a decade. Talk about awkward. Yet, in typical Ashton Kutcher fashion, he also eventually finds himself torn between choosing his current girlfriend or his high school booty call. See? Absolute fuckboy. However, this shit is apparently pretty funny, so it could be worth watching purely for procrastination.
Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:
10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)
I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you, Areola Dusty Rose.
9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)
I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.
^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.
8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)
Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:
7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)
Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?
6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)
We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?
5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)
SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.
4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)
As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.
3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)
A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.
2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)
Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!
1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)
I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.
Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.
Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*
Me:
READ: The Definitive Ranking Of La Croix Flavors
Catch up on last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ recap here!
This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act.
First Group Date
The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF “husband material” obstacle course featuring Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.
Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?
I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punk’d? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someone’s agents need to work a little harder.
How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachel’s husband in this group but TBH I can’t seem to find his acting career here either.
Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because he’s on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.
Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch Real Housewives.
Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram.
Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous encounter reality show. I KNOW HE’S JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HE’S A WHAFAKE!
What does it mean to “further your Whaboom?” Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.
Rachel feels like she’s not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe it’s because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?
Date With Peter
Peter is super hot.
Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob
Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.
Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.
How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting STOP YULIN FOREVER.
Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.
Second Group Date
Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”
All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isn’t in their group date guys and it’s a basketball player.
ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall.
Pretty much everyone in America’s reaction to the idea that Kareem Abdul Jabbar is going to give Rachel advice on love and relationships. ^
The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?
DeMario’s girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghoster’s worst nightmare.
Literally every fuckboy’s body language when you confront him about the shady shit he’s done. ^
Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMario’s ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.
“On my kitten’s graves he never came to my house and broke up with me.”
“The last time he came to my apartment he was fucking me.”
Demario’s ex had to take a flight for this fight. She took work days off. Who’s crazy in that situation? #TheBachelorette
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) May 30, 2017
MORE LIKE DEMARI-NO
And that’s what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does.
Rachel: You’re not being honest so you can get the fuck out.
You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that.
Rose Ceremony
I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.
Alex: Here’s an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky that’s enough.
DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because The Bachelorette refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings.
