The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: DeMari-NO

By The Betches | May 30, 2017
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Catch up on last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ recap here!

This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act. 

First Group Date

The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF “husband material” obstacle course featuring Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.

Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?

I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punk’d? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someone’s agents need to work a little harder.

How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachel’s husband in this group but TBH I can’t seem to find his acting career here either.

Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because he’s on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.

Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch Real Housewives.

Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram. 

Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous encounter reality show. I KNOW HE’S JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HE’S A WHAFAKE!

What does it mean to “further your Whaboom?” Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.

Rachel feels like she’s not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe it’s because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?

 

Date With Peter

Peter is super hot.

Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob

Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.

Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.

How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting STOP YULIN FOREVER.

Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.  

Second Group Date

Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”

All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isn’t in their group date guys and it’s a basketball player. 

ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall. 

Pretty much everyone in America’s reaction to the idea that Kareem Abdul Jabbar is going to give Rachel advice on love and relationships. ^

The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?

DeMario’s girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghoster’s worst nightmare.

Literally every fuckboy’s body language when you confront him about the shady shit he’s done. ^

Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMario’s ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.

On my kitten’s graves he never came to my house and broke up with me.”

“The last time he came to my apartment he was fucking me.”

MORE LIKE DEMARI-NO

And that’s what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does. 

Rachel: You’re not being honest so you can get the fuck out.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that. 

Rose Ceremony

I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.

Alex: Here’s an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky that’s enough.

DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because The Bachelorette refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings.