There’s a certain kind of panic people have when you tell them you’ve never been in a relationship. “Wait, never? Like, not even a messy college situationship? Not even a two-month thing with someone they ‘weren’t really that into’ but dated out of boredom?” Suddenly, the single person (AKA you) is treated like an unsolved mystery — What went wrong? Are you emotionally broken? Do you eat soup with a fork??
But here’s the thing: Not having a relationship history isn’t the red flag people think it is.
“People may also infer that those who have not been in a relationship may lack the experience necessary to make a relationship work or may make the assumption that there is an issue preventing others from wanting to enter or maintain a relationship with them,” Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, Hily dating and relationships expert, tells Betches. “These beliefs are problematic as we are making negative attributions about the person and their relationship readiness or skills that are simply not true.”
There are plenty of completely normal, attractive, emotionally intelligent people who just haven’t officially been someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend — and that includes you, too. And no, it’s not because you have some deep, dark secret — it’s probably because you’ve seen the absolute dumpster fire that is modern dating and have wisely decided you’re not settling for a mediocre partner just to say you have one. And honestly? Good for you.
Dr. Cohen says there are simply too many potential reasons you might not have been in a relationship to blindly stereotype it as a red flag. Maybe you prioritized other aspects of your life like family, friends, career, or travel.
“This would be a strength as the person identified what was important to them and focused on those things,” Dr. Cohen says. “Or, the person may have known the attributes that were important to them in a partner, and while dating, simply did not want to settle.”
And there is nothing wrong with not wanting to settle. Have you seen what’s out there? Dating right now is like shopping at a going-out-of-business sale — everything’s picked over, broken, or missing key parts, but the store manager (aka dating apps… or my mom) is like, “Just lower your expectations and take what you can get!” No thanks. Between situationships, ghosting, and people who treat basic decency like it’s an engagement-level commitment, is it really that shocking that some people haven’t found anyone worth the effort?
Some people have been in five relationships and still have the emotional intelligence of a soggy napkin. Like, congratulations on your extensive dating history, but if all of your exes would compare you to Shake from Love is Blind maybe let’s not act like experience alone makes someone a catch.
I say, instead of worrying about whether someone’s had a partner before, maybe check if they know how to be a good partner. Are they kind? Do they communicate like a functioning adult? Can they handle conflict without acting like a toddler being forced to eat lunch without an iPad? These things matter way more than whether they’ve been able to convince someone to date them before.
So, When Is It A Red Flag?
Okay, fine — there are a few (very specific) situations where a lack of relationship history could be a red flag.
“The only times that it would become a red flag is when, through getting to know the person, you find out that they are still undecided if they want to prioritize a relationship… or that they still don’t know what’s important to them in life or in a partner, as this indicates that there’s still a lot of self-reflection that this person needs to do,” Dr. Cohen says.
Also, if you genuinely think relationships are pointless and beneath you, that’s a bit concerning (maybe consider therapy?). It’s one thing to be cautious about commitment, but if your whole personality is “Love is a scam” and think being emotionally available is embarrassing, that’s not mysterious — it’s a headache waiting to happen. Similarly, if you’ve never been interested in anyone — like, ever — that might raise some questions. It might be time to dig deeper.
If you’re single because you have standards, that’s not a red flag — it’s self-preservation.
