Make Corinne Proud & Show Off Your Emotional Intelligence: Your Weekend Horoscopes

Spring is here, but what is it bringing your way? Love? New opportunities? Tension? Alcohol? Find out in the Betches weekend horoscope!


As is typical for month-long celebrations, the past couple weeks have likely wrecked your bank account, Aries. Don’t worry, it was totally worth it. However, unless you want to be stuck eating rice and beans for the next couple months, it’s time to cool off for a bit. This weekend, ignore the siren call of happy hours that turn into late night affairs. You’ll be horrified by how much money you save, to the point that you’ll start imagining how rich you’d be if you had no friends at all. A couple weekends of this kind of behavior should put you right back on track.


Work got you down, Taurus? Welcome to the rest of your life. Just kidding, that’s what losers say. Betches settle for nothing less than the best, so if your job isn’t that then it’s time to move the fuck on. This isn’t going to be an easy task, unless your dad is a CEO looking to hand out some careers. You’re going to have to put in some real work to get where you want to be, but it’ll be worth it once you’re working in your chic mid-century industrial loft just like every CW show told you you would. Get a head start on your new life this weekend by scouring job posting sites. If it makes you feel better, treat yourself afterwards with an upgraded wardrobe for your upgraded life.


This weekend is a minefield, Gemini. There will be events to ignore, people to avoid and friends to guide, and it’s all falling on you. As an expert planner, you’ve been training your whole life for this moment. Instead of letting others dictate your course, set up a weekend full of your own fun, exclusive activities. Your friends will be too busy enjoying themselves to realize that you’re low-key in hiding. Reward yourself for all your hard work come Saturday with long, mimosa fueled brunch. Go wild with that benedict, you earned it.


After two straight weekends of overhauling your life, you’ve earned a break, Cancer. Change is exhausting, moreso when it’s directed entirely at yourself. This weekend, live by one motto: treat yo’self. Spa treatment? Check. New spring wardrobe? Check. An extra fatty brunch? Double fucking check. Whatever you need to do to wind down, book it now. Relish in the luxury today, because after this weekend it’s back to the real world.


Putting yourself out there is hard, Leo, but it’s not harder than being alone. This weekend, the opportunity to open up to someone will present itself, and you’d be wrong to ignore it. Sure, it may be easier to brush things off than address actual emotions, but these things can’t be avoided forever. Make Corinne Olympios proud and show off your high emotional intelligence this weekend. Who knows, it could actually work out for you. If not, there’s always vodka to soothe the sting.



Spring is in the air, Virgo. While it may be a little too early to shed that winter wardrobe, it is never too early to get rid of that winter mentality. We get it, it sucked. The weather was cold, your skin was dry, and your relationships left more than a little to be desired. Well guess what? It’s time to move on. Use this weekend to both literally and figuratively rid yourself of any unnecessary baggage that may have built up over the last couple months. Buy some moisturizer, get rid of some of the unnecessary people in your life, and get ready for the sun to come out.


This is a weekend for trying new things, Libra. We’re not saying you’re in a rut…. but things are starting to look a little stale on your end. For the next two days, abandon all your regular spots and broaden your horizons. Try that new coffee shop that opened up by your office. Get wild with a new cuisine you wouldn’t usually opt for. Spend your night in a new, unexplored part of town. Caveat: there is a very real possibility that you hate every bit of it. There’s a reason you’re stuck in your ways, after all. But what if a weekend of discovery leads you to a newfound passion? It’s up to you to decide if that’s a risk you’re willing to take.


Oh Scorpio, you just can’t quit while you’re ahead, can you? After weeks of tip-toeing the line between “sassy friend” and “all out bitch” you really just went for it. Cue the Scorpio apology tour 2017. Your better friends will understand that this is just the way you are; you can’t help it you’re so popular. Lesser acquaintances might not be as easy to win back, but then again, they probably suck. Just do your best, take a bit of humble pie, bring alcohol, and work on holding your tongue. 



You’ve been doing working hard, Sagittarius, and despite what you’ve been starting to think, it’s not going unnoticed. This weekend you’ll finally get some of that much deserved recognition you’ve been craving, and there is no shame in basking in it. Hopefully you’re someone who is good at accepting compliments, because they’re about to start flooding in. If not, now is the perfect time to get some practice in. Just smile, nod graciously, and let everyone gush about how awesome you are.


Have you been thinking about making a change lately, Capricorn? Of course you have, because your horoscope says so. Use this as the ultimate sign that it’s time to capitalize on that change. Use this weekend to get your thoughts organized and to start putting things in motion. Moving to a new city? Start looking at places to live. Redecorating your home? Get that Pinterest board ready. Trying to make new friends? Reach out to acquaintances that could introduce you to a new group. Whatever it takes, start moving while the motivation lasts.


It’s time to get shit done, Aquarius. There are literal months’ worth of projects piling up at home, and this weekend is the time to actually tackle them. Sorry. Break out your craft box and get to work, because spring waits for no DIY. Celebrate at the end of your journey by hosting a party to catch up with friends show off what an amazing job you did. Feeling accomplished is one thing, but nothing is quite as satisfying as the envious compliments of your closest friends.


So you may have lost your chill earlier this week, Pisces. It’s cool. It happens. But now that you’ve collected yourself, it may be time for some damage control. Odds are you have at least one sensitive friend (unfortunately), and that’s probably a good place to start if you’re worried that you set some people off. Take her to coffee, let her get weepy, and then let her know that any combination of PMS/stress/existential crisis was responsible for your momentary breakdown. Odds are she only wants to hear you pretend to apologize before moving on. If it takes more than that, a bottle of wine never hurt a wounded friendship.