Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while. Maybe you just got out of a stagnant relationship and you’re dying to try something new. Maybe you’re newly out as bi and you want to explore your options. Maybe you’re in an open relationship and want to test the waters on your own through a courtship with a cute couple.
You probably also know the stories. The aggressive unicorn hunters, the couples opening up their relationships for the wrong reasons, the gross boyfriend who just wants to have two women catering to his pleasure. You’re probably not in any way interested in getting caught in the crossfire of these types of threesomes situations. Neither am I—and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to.
The reality is that yes, there are a lot of bad actors among couples looking to invite a third into the bedroom, however, good experiences absolutely exist and, as long as you know what you’re doing and what you’re looking for, aren’t hard to come by. Trust me, I’ve had them!
To help me help you, I spoke with two other threesome connoisseurs and good friends, Instagram personality and actor James Rose and comedian and host of The Manwhore Podcast, Billy Procida, about their experiences being a third. Together, we came up with these tips.
Figure Out What You Want First
The first step in finagling your very first ménage à trois is to figure out exactly what kind of setup you’re looking to get into. “I always think it’s great to set up some expectations beforehand and make sure everyone knows what the hope is—if all goes well”, adds Procida. Are you in it simply for sexual intimacy? Or are you looking for emotional intimacy as well? Ideally, do you hope to find a couple with whom you can have an ongoing relationship or just a casual one-time experience? I’m a firm believer in being as upfront as possible about what you want (I’m a Sagittarius) especially when it comes to relationships, as it will save you time and energy.
This may change as you journey further into the experience, and that’s okay, but take your temperature now and see what you’re actually comfortable with and excited about.
Determine Your Boundaries And Practice Enforcing Them
Boundary-setting can be intimidating when you have to do it with just one person, so it may seem daunting to prepare for it with a couple, but it doesn’t have to be. Making sure you know exactly what your boundaries are—your hard limits and your soft limits from positions to where you’re comfortable meeting up—just as much as your desires will help you in your experience.
Once you know what they are, practice saying them out loud. Getting comfortable with the words coming out of your mouth can help infinitely when the time comes. You can also practice setting boundaries over text, a perfectly valid way to set your boundaries ahead of time!
If you’re going to hop on the apps, you can mention some of your hard limits in your bio to save yourself the trouble, however, you can’t trust 100 percent that your matches will read them, so you may want to reference your bio and ask if they’ve had a chance to read it. In some apps like Feeld, an app marketed to folks looking for threesomes and other non-monogamous situations, there are sections for desires and boundaries that you can fill out.
Look For Red Flags And Green Flags
Some of the couples you’ll want to avoid will be obvious if you know what to look for. There are also a few things that, in our experiences, constitute a good sign. We all agree that we feel more comfortable and have had better experiences with couples who are more established and have more experience. If you’re new to the experience, it’s best to avoid couples who are inexperienced and whose relationship in any way seems fragile. “Look out for the couples that passive-aggressively fight in front of you,” Procida recommends.
Another red flag that Rose points out is if they themselves from the start only feel attraction, sexual or romantic, for only one of the individuals in the couple, it would feel unethical for them to continue pursuing that relationship just for the relationship with the partner they’re attracted to.
Something else to look for if you’re on the apps is a couple with a shared or connected profile, and definitely one that has pictures of both partners.
Keep Communication Open With ALL Partners
Something to avoid is forming an unbalanced relationship with each of the partners in the couple. Unless previously discussed and negotiated, avoid developing a stronger emotional or sexual connection with just one of them. While their relationship issues are their problem, doing so could create feelings of imbalance in the threesome relationship. If you find that one of the partners is attempting to do this, that’s also a red flag. “Couples should find the addition of a third person something that can bring them closer together, not something that they use to work out their relationship issues”, says Rose.
Rose also advises that, if you end up catching feelings (especially stronger feelings for one of the partners) it’s best to be upfront about it with yourself and with the couple. “I will usually journal or talk it out with myself to establish what I’m feeling, what needs to be addressed, and how this will impact my relationship with the couple,” they say.
Feelings don’t have to be a dealbreaker to continue the ongoing relationship, but it does require ongoing communication, boundary-setting, and emotional awareness.
“The cool part about being a third for a couple is that they are welcoming you into an already (ideally!) healthy relationship, and you get to enjoy some of the most pleasurable aspects of it,” says Rose. Partners who have been doing this for a while are comfortable with communication and oftentimes you end up with a lot of their attention placed on you and your pleasure.
“Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in the moment. It’s not awkward, just remember how ridiculous sex is,” Procida reminds us.
Threesomes won’t—and shouldn’t—look like a porn set, so don’t feel pressured to perform in any particular way. Remember to go with the flow, be present, and remember to communicate what you want!
Images: Omar Lopez / Unsplash
It’s said that friends are the family we choose, and I couldn’t agree more. My girlfriends are some of the most cherished people in my life, and there’s no one else in the world I’d rather talk sh*t have several glasses of chardonnay with than them. But is it realistic to expect that all friendships will last forever? I’d argue no, especially now that the average life expectancy is in the 70s instead of, say, 35. While no one wants to dump a friend, there are certain signs that indicate your friendship may not be long for this world. Here’s how to tell it’s time to break up with your BFF.
1. The Dynamic Has Become Toxic
You’ve likely chosen your friends because they make your life better in some way. (At least, I hope so.) While it’s natural to fight occasionally, if every interaction is fraught, this is a good indication that the friendship may not be worth maintaining. Your friends should lift you up and be your biggest supporters. If instead, your friendship is making you feel worse about yourself, whether as a result of jealousy, competition, pettiness, passive aggression or some other form of negativity, it might be time to move on.
How To Handle: Think about whether the friendship can be saved by addressing the problem head-on with a direct and honest conversation. If it can’t, the friend in question won’t cop to her behavior, or you simply don’t want to bother anymore, it’s time to cut the cord.
2. You’re The Only One Giving
Friendship should be a two-way street. Of course, at certain times, one party may be giving more than the other, but neither party should be expending all of the effort on a consistent basis. While a friend who dominates the conversation with their drama might be exciting in high school or college, the novelty wears off once you enter the real world. If your friend only seems to contact you when they need something, but isn’t there for you when you need support, it’s time for you to sashay away.
How To Handle: This type of friend usually lacks the self-awareness to change their ways. If you want to get off the roller coaster, a slow fade is usually the best approach.
3. The Connection Feels Forced
Because life circumstances constantly change, certain friendships that emerged at one particular point in your life might not go the distance. These divergences become more apparent in your twenties and beyond as priorities start to shift. While it was easy to bond with Janine when you were downing Natty Lights during sorority pledging, it might be harder to relate when you’re climbing the ladder at work and navigating the veritable cesspool that is the New York dating scene while she’s preparing to pop out baby number three. History is great, but it shouldn’t be the only thing keeping you together. If every conversation feels like work to try to find some common ground, it may be time to put your energy elsewhere.
How To Handle: Chances are good that if you’re feeling a lack of connection, your friend is feeling similarly. In that case, you may not need to do much to create distance. If neither party wants to put in the work to keep the relationship going, it will likely dissolve over time.
4. They’re Constantly Bailing On Plans
We all have moments where we just don’t feel like socializing with sentient beings other than our dogs something unexpected arises and we can no longer stick to plans we previously scheduled. However, if your friend is regularly bailing on plans with little to no notice or explanation, this is likely a sign that something is off with the friendship. It’s also highly disrespectful of your time. I knew I had to consciously uncouple from a friendship when the other party thought it was acceptable to cancel plans without excuse when I was already in a cab en route to meet her.
How To Handle: Unless you’re willing to write this person off immediately (same), this warrants a direct conversation. Be honest about how your friend’s actions are affecting you. If she is able to own her behavior, there may be hope. If not, it’s time to bid her adieu.
5. You’re Not Eager To See Them
Your time is precious, especially as you get older and are juggling different priorities. It’s important, then, that this time is spent with people who are adding value to your life and who you genuinely enjoy seeing. If a friend reaches out to make plans and you feel a sense of dread rather than excitement, this may be an indication that the friendship has run its course. Think about whether your reaction is stemming from something temporary, like a friend who is negative because they are going through a hard time, or something more permanent, like a friend who simply no longer shares the same values. If it’s the latter, it may be time to phase out the friendship.
How To Handle: This one is tough. Ideally, the hope is that with enough excuses, this friend will get the hint that you no longer want to invest in the friendship and the problem will solve itself. If, however, this friend won’t let you off the hook so easily, you can let them know that your priorities have changed and you no longer feel as close as you once did. It’s uncomfortable, but sometimes it’s best to simply rip off the Band-Aid.
Ultimately, it’s up to you and the friend in question to determine whether the friendship is salvageable. The idea is to assess whether or not both parties can or want to invest in the relationship and to act accordingly. If the answer is to move on from the friendship, there’s nothing wrong with that. Honor your feelings and do what makes you happy. I know I didn’t cover every sign, so share your stories in the comments!
Images: Korney Violin / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
In other words, both men and women can tell with “above-chance accuracy,” simply from looking at his face, whether a man is likely to cheat (aka his potential infidelity). Honestly, I’d say that most of me and my friends’ dating experience goes against this particular finding—but on the other hand, isn’t the problem that we do always see the red flags (or likelihood to cheat) and forge ahead anyway? Something to think about. The study went on to say that participants were using “facial masculinity” to judge the pictured men’s unfaithfulness. According to these researchers, facial masculinity is a “well-established signal of propensity to adopt short-term mating strategies.”
For God’s sake. If anyone lets the f*ckboys of this generation hear the phrase “short-term mating strategies,” it’s all over. (“It’s not that I don’t want to date, I’m just evolutionarily designed for short-term mating strategies!” Kill me.) Another more candid portion of the study lays it out like this: “male masculinity positively related to preference for uncommitted sex and multiple matings.” You heard it here first, guys: run away from that strong jaw. It does explain a lot about Luke P.’s whole face and energy, not to mention that of every athlete who’s ever cheated on a Kardashian. I’d personally be hard-pressed to describe Lamar Odom as having a feminine face, just saying.
her: are you cheating on me
me: why would you say that?
her: i found a hair straightener in your bathroom
me: [too embarrassed to tell her that every morning i use it on my ass hair] yes i’m cheating on you
— viking (@notviking) September 3, 2018
When I first started giving dating advice, I was in a new relationship and truly thought I was the sh*t. I was confidently calling out red flags and commenting “DUMP HIM HONEY!!!” on every r/relationships thread I could find. If everyone else’s boyfriends weren’t as good as mine, I figured, they shouldn’t settle for less. Two years later, I still kind of feel that way—but I’ve also come to understand a whole new world of relationship problems (especially once you move in together) that I’d been too quick to dismiss as dealbreakers before.
Mostly, this is due to the fact that I’ve been living with my boyfriend for nine months, a development that often leads to fights I couldn’t have imagined myself having two years ago. Last week alone, I fought with my boyfriend about both our WiFi password and how we store our towels. It’s nuts. We’re also closer than ever (thanks for asking), and I can honestly say I have a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work long-term. So basically, this is all to say: now that my advice is even more flawless than it was before, here’s a rundown of the warning signs you shouldn’t ignore if you’re thinking about moving in together.
He Doesn’t Remember Things You Tell Him
This is the number one most important thing in a roommate. They need to be conscientious and reliable—if you ask them to take care of something in the apartment, they have to remember it. For the sake of your sanity, they also have to remember it without you reminding them 6-8 more times. If your boyfriend is the kind of guy who conveniently “forgets” every time you ask him to do something more than five seconds into the future, or every time you have a conversation about behavior of his that bothers you, he is going to be a sh*tty roommate. Frankly, it sounds like he’s a sh*tty boyfriend too. But this is a trait that could be a mild annoyance in a boyfriend, but it becomes a major, non-negotiable issue when you’re sharing a living space.
He Doesn’t Like Your Friends
He doesn’t have to be best friends with your friends—sadly, that only seems to happen on Vanderpump Rules. But if he’s said to your face that he doesn’t like your friends, acts unpleasant around them, or discourages you from hanging out with them, those are all major red flags. It’s fine for him to have an opinion (kind of), but he shouldn’t think that opinion entitles him to exert control over your social life. For one, he shouldn’t be rude enough to insult people you like, but the key issue here is that he should not be showing classic signs of manipulation, and testing the limits of how much you’ll cut out your friends to preserve the relationship. You cannot move in with a guy like that, or his efforts to isolate you will only scale up. Honestly, just break up now if you are seeing those signs.
You Can’t Pee In Front Of Him
I want to clarify that it’s perfectly okay, even 10 years into your relationship, to be the kind of person who always prefers a closed bathroom door. I am largely in that school of thought myself. What’s a dealbreaker, in this case, is if you felt you couldn’t pee in front of your boyfriend, even in some sort of fictional scenario where you’re trapped in the woods and waiting for a circling bear to leave. If the idea of your boyfriend seeing or hearing you pee makes your skin crawl, or makes you genuinely worry about how it would affect the state of the relationship, please don’t move in together. Certainly, don’t move in together in NYC, where the average square footage of available real estate will ensure that your boyfriend hears you pee every single day. But even if you’re rich (or Midwestern), know that moving in with someone will erase some boundaries you have now. You will have less privacy than ever before, and feel incredibly naked and incredibly seen by your boyfriend.
So, if he’s a guy who has some weird obsession with “keeping the mystery alive,” or would otherwise make you feel uncomfortable for doing something human in front of him—don’t do it. You will do something human, embarrassing, and never-before-seen in your relationship within the first month of living together. If you know your relationship won’t survive it, that’s your answer.
He Refuses To Talk About Money
Yes, this is on every list about moving in together, but that’s because it is the most important. To be clear, I don’t care whether your boyfriend has been paying for your entire lifestyle and is offering to do the same with an apartment—that’s equally, if not more of, a red flag as a guy who doesn’t pay for anything. If they’re not willing to openly discuss their financial situation, and set clear expectations for what each of you will contribute going forward, you cannot move in with them. In the case of the guy paying for everything, you could suddenly find yourself homeless. In the case of the guy paying for nothing, you could suddenly find yourself with a squatter who refuses to leave your apartment even when you break up with him. And either situation will be a lot harder to get out of if you don’t have it in writing somewhere (even iMessage) what the guidelines of your living arrangement are.
That’s it from me! Please comment with your worst moving-in-with-a-boyfriend stories below.
Images: Shutterstock; @betches, @uuppod / Instagram; Giphy (1)
For whatever reason, fall has been decreed cuffing season. You scroll through your phone and you’re inundated with images images of apple picking dates, complete with the requisite cider donut and a ~casual~ candid featuring some autumnal plant and maybe bae looking cute in some flannel. Eventually it will snow, which conjures up images of drinking hot chocolate and binge-watching Netflix together in front of a cozy fire. Or something else equally sickeningly sweet. Idk. Anyway, even though it’s super tempting to want to dive into a relationship as it gets cold, you don’t want to date just anyone. Being single is better than dating the wrong person, and honestly you never want to sell yourself short. Like, whoever is reading this right now, you’re totally random and I legit have no clue who you are, but you deserve someone amazing!! Seriously. A little saccharine, but true. You could totally end up playing yourself if you ignore red flags, or signs your guy sucks, early on.
There are def some major red flags to look out for when you first meet your potential someone. I polled my sister and she claims the only red flags are:
- He doesn’t play a sport
- He wears jean/cargo shorts
- He wears a beanie
- He uses this emoji ????
However, I’d consider all of these totally fixable problems (gentlemen, if you’re reading this, do throw out said clothing items and consider picking up lacrosse, though).
In all seriousness, there are some serious red flags that indicate your flirtation or hookup really shouldn’t lead to a relationship, even if it could be heading that way.
Is He Aggressively Pushy About Hooking Up?
There’s nothing worse than just wanting to grab dinner and having to ward off a handsy guy, or worse: being with a guy that doesn’t seem to get that NO means freaking no. Like, nope, sorry, the mood hasn’t changed in the past two minutes since you asked me, BRETT. Again. Ew, ew, ew, moving on.
Does He Overuse Social Media?
Yes, we live in a time where Snapchat and swiping apps seem to drive modern relationships. However, if you’re talking a lot over an app whose genesis came from a need to facilitate easy hookups and/or sending nudes, you should be concerned.
The worst, the very worst, red flag is if he talks to you all the time via social media but ignores you in person. That’s weird. Imagine what it would be like to go on dates with him. Would you carry your entire conversation via Instagram DMs over dinner too? Would you make plans for the aforementioned apple picking date via Snapchat because nothing is ever going to be concrete or, like, traceable? At the very least, you can keep up with all his happenings because he’ll still be updating his story 24/7, even if he’s never talking to you besides to maintain your #streak. Oh, and to hit you up with a “u up?” snap at 1am when he’s drunk and alone.
Seriously, don’t keep hooking up with him. He’s either insecure, not interested, or seeing multiple girls at once because talking to people solely over an app that doesn’t save past messages is sketchy af . Seriously, run in the opposite direction. Runnnnnnn.
Will He Not Let Go Of His Exes?
Maybe you figure that once you start dating, he’ll stop hooking up with his ex-girlfriends. And hey, maybe he will!! Maybe you’ll also win the lottery and star in your own reality TV show. I mean, it could totes happen!1!1
Seriously, if he still hooks up with old girlfriends, especially old girlfriends that were super into him and are obviously still super into him, then steer clear. One, it’s kind of an asshole move to keep hooking up with a girl that’s crazy into you when you’re not into them. Secondly, there’s no way of knowing he won’t do the same to you one day. Even if he claims he never hooks up with his exes but hangs out with them, keep your head on a swivel because that’s a red flag—a smaller red flag, but a flag nonetheless.
Is He Weirdly And Hypocritically Judgmental?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t date someone with different opinions than you. Debate is healthy and mind-opening. But I’ve met guys before that are like “don’t wear that it’s not even a shirt, it’s a bra blah blah blah I’m a conservative white dude…” when they’re freaking only wearing, like, boxers or something because it’s a stupid themed party. I’m sorry it’s heaven and hell themed and so all the girls are dressing up as lust. Like, I’m not going wear a nun costume? And it’s literally so annoying to have a guy gripe about drinking when he likes to disappear in the bathroom to do some lines. Like, please spare me the double standard.
Does He Like To Hook Up In Weird Places?
And I mean weird, like really disturbingly unsanitary. If his history with his exes/past girls includes hooking up in weird, illegal, and/or unsanitary places, then kick him to the curb unless you dig getting some weird disease and/or arrested. Last time I checked, a dumpster isn’t for hooking up in. Though maybe if he’s total trash… Seriously though, I’ve heard some pretty disturbing stories and I’d really like to believe that they aren’t true.
Do You Just Not Like Him?
This seems stupid and really obvious, but sometimes I watch people head into relationships where they literally don’t even like the guy and I just sort of wonder…why? Is being single seriously worse than being forced to spend time with someone that kind of bugs you? Ladies, it’s seriously not worth the cute Instagrams.
If none of the above applies, then I wish you everlasting happiness!!! Good luck trying to break up in the spring when you want to be single for summer!!
Image: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
As someone who’s braved the streets of New York for several years now (someone please buy me a medal), I can confidently say that living in New York certainly has its perks. Like, waking up every morning to the smell of fresh garbage and urine or slowly losing the will to live one MTA train delay at a time. Also, I guess we have some good bars too. How else are we to cope with 50 percent of our paychecks going to 20 feet of cubic space in an apartment in the shittiest part of Brooklyn than by drinking our sorrows away with $11 Bud Lights? The city! It’s magical here! If you can imagine, not all bars are as great as I just made them out to be. While some bars have hot AF clientele (re: hot husband material, beautiful douchebags, generally attractive humans), other bars have bigger red flags than my Hinge suggested matches. Luckily for you betches, my standard for bars pretty much begins and ends at “is it open?” So here’s a list of all the trashiest NYC bars you should f*cking run from should anyone suggest it. Learn from my mistakes. I’m super giving like this.
Hair Of The Dog
Location: East Village
Biggest Red Flag: That it’s patrons think it’s socially acceptable to dry hump ON THE FLOOR
I literally wish I made this up. I’m telling you rn the things I have seen at this hedonistic den of sin cannot be unseen. This establishment is what the kids these days call a “trap house” disguised as college sports bar. Located in the East Village, it doesn’t matter what time of day you show up at at this place, you can always find at least one person vomiting in the bathroom sink and/or belligerently dry-humping in the corner. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I’ve seen a couple start hooking up by the beer pong table, topple over onto the floor AND CONTINUE HOOKING UP. Look, am I saying I don’t frequently hang out at this establishment? I am not. But I
like to sabotage my life and happiness can never say no to a place that sells $12 pitchers. We all have our crosses to bear!
Biggest Red Flag: The line for the bathroom
The Woods is fine during the day, but at night this chill hangout spot gets sketchy AF. Like, watch your drink sketchy AF. The crowd shifts from Brooklynites searching for some sliver of outdoor space to people who think that visiting a bar in Williamsburg will up their street cred. Think: the place where frat bros come after they’ve been kicked out of every bar in Manhattan… before midnight, and girls who think it’s “edgy” to drink ciders. If you like to get propositioned with coke in line for the bathroom then you’ll probs love this place, but if you like drinking literally anywhere else in an environment that’s not filled with literal sea creatures, then maybe try someplace else. Idk.
Location: Greenwich Village
Biggest Red Flag: That there’s a stripper pole in the middle of the bar
Where do I effing begin with this place? First of all, Greenwich Village is one of my favorite areas in the city, and the fact that this establishment dare bring A PIRATE THEME to this otherwise chic AF environment is a crime against humanity. Yes, you heard me right, this bar is entirely pirate themed. And while that in itself should be a reason for no human with working eyes and ears to ever step foot in this abomination, there’s actually even more disturbing sh*t that happens here. Like the fact that there’s karaoke and A STRIPPER POLE in the middle of the goddamn building. There’s also beer pong in the back! You know, in case you didn’t already humiliate yourself enough with your belligerent rendition of “Baby Got Back” while using the stripper pole as a prop to showcase your immeasurable talents. So, what I’m saying is, I guess there’s something for everyone here.
^^ actual footage of things I’ve seen go down at this bar
Location: Midtown East
Biggest Red Flag: Its patrons
I generally try and stay below 34th street, because upper Manhattan is about as easily accessible from my Brooklyn apartment as the Moon. That said, every once in a while I’m forced into going out in that area by my one friend who’s always telling me how “fun” midtown is and how all the “hot guys” frequent those bars. First of all, I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life than when I showed up to her beloved Turtle Bay only to be surrounded by what can only described as a mix between a 30-year-old frat bro and a Jersey Shore club extra. (I must have come on a good night, because any other night it’s literally just college kids with fakes.) These are the kinds of dudes who show up at happy hour and immediately start pounding shots of Jäger before they have to catch the last train back to Jersey. Charming. If you’re into meat heads, then by all means
ruin your life hang out at this bar. The free happy hours you can “win” (by just showing up one time and being female) are tempting, but just be aware that there was a recent stabbing—STABBING!—at this cesspool of an establishment earlier in the summer. Literally the NY Post agrees with us on this one—please just stay away.
Images: @mdisc /Unsplash.com; Giphy (2)
If you’re starting college this fall, you’re probably v stressed about a lot of things right now, but of all the things you have to worry about (Will I gain the freshman 15? What if I hate my major? Are all these guys fuckboys?) the most legit concern are your fears about having to live with a roommate. Here’s the truth: You’re going to have, like, zero personal space, and you might
fucking hate each other not always be best friends. So whether you got randomly assigned or shacked up with met someone you met at orientation, here are some red flags you should watch out for.
1. Extreme Homesickness
It’s normal to be a little homesick at the beginning of college. You used to have a mom to do all your shit for you and tell you you look pretty every day. Now you have to do shit for yourself and write things like “You’re beautiful!” in lipstick on your mirror as a confidence booster. It’s bleak. But most people adjust (aka start drinking heavily) pretty quickly. If your roommate is choosing to talk to her mom all the time instead of going out, drop that bitch like she’s an 8am calculus class. Or just like, wait it out. She’ll be transferring to her local community college by spring semester, and then you’ll have the room to yourself.
2. Gone Girl
If she goes home random weekends that aren’t even breaks and has yet to unpack a single one of her suitcases, there’s definitely going to be a problem. Like, if there’s a wedding or something we get it, but why is she literally always leaving? Who is she meeting? Is she a Russian spy? These are all valid questions. But she’s probably just going home to do laundry.
3. The Boyfriend Girl
We also need to talk about boyfriends. Plenty of girls go to college and stay with their boyfriends from high school, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a social life of their own. If she regularly turns down social invitations because she “has plans to Skype with Anthony,” that means she’s more invested in that dumb guy who could only get into a state school than her actual college experience. Unacceptable. Also, be ready for the day you come home to her in a pile on the floor screaming about how he cheated on her with some slut on his hall. Then prepare yourself for the day he shows up at your dorm room door with flowers demanding entry like you don’t also fucking live there. These things will happen, and they will be annoying AF.
4. Best Friend Roulette
It’s important to pick up social cues about your roommate, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Is she the kind of girl who has a new best friend every two weeks? Like, she’s obsessed with this girl Yasmin but then there’s some drama with a guy or something and then you literally never hear about Yasmin again and you suspect she might have been drowned in a water tank somewhere slightly off-campus? If this happens repeatedly, your roommate is absolutely the problem. You can still be, like, casual friends with her, but she is not bridesmaid material.
5. Psycho Flirting
Pay attention to how she is around guys too. Does she seem like she’s trying to impress every single guy she meets? Is she on a diet but then starts screaming about how much she loves hotdogs whenever a penis is present? Does she act like she never thinks about boys but then kicks you out to have sex like, five times a week? All red flags. But the worst thing is if she acts overly attached to a guy who you slowly but surely realize has no fucking clue she exists. She will not make a good wing woman, and will almost certainly get jealous and petty every time you make eye contact with a man.
6. Shitty Decor
As we’ve discussed before, you can tell a lot about a person by their choice of dorm decor. While there’s no one right way to decorate a room, you should definitely use your best judgment. Like, why did you bring three stuffed animals to college? Do you really need four framed photos of your boyfriend? Marilyn Monroe did not fucking say that. It’s all in the details. Oh, and if she dares put up anything with the words “Live,” “Laugh,” or “Love” on it, fucking run. She’s seriously disturbed, and you should probably alert the FBI.
7. General Hygiene
Dorm living is close quarters, and you’re quickly going to learn a lot about your roommate’s hygiene and habits. Like, sweetie, why does your laundry hamper always smell like a family of squirrels is living in it? Can you please throw away that food you stole from the dining hall a week ago? Who do you think is going to clean out the coffeemaker if you don’t do it yourself? People are awful.
8. Bathroom Deal Breakers
Showers should happen daily. Deodorant is not optional. If she doesn’t wear shower shoes in the communal bathrooms, she’s a psycho who’s not to be trusted.
So stay vigilant ladies, and remember, if something seems questionable, it probably is.
You’re on a date with a bro you met online and three Moscow mules in, you’re actually hitting it off and considering making out with him if he leaves a decent tip. That is, until he fucks it up by saying something dumb like “Crazy girls are just more into me” that sets off the fuckboy alarm in your head. Fuckboys are like pimples, once you see the warning signs of one, you can’t ignore it’s there because sooner or later it’s going to ruin your night and make you feel like a worst version of yourself. So to save yourself a lot of cover up (for the angry tears when he doesn’t text back) here’s some top things fuckboys say that should set off literally all your red flags. If he’s said all of these, maybe it’s time to block that bro.
1. “I’m not looking for anything serious.”
This is so classic fuckboy that if it were a record it’d be a Beatles song. This is strategic because saying this traps you into sounding crazy if you don’t agree. Can you imagine if you were like “Oh, not me, I’m looking for a very serious commitment right this very moment” on your first date? This is a shitty thing to say because saying it early on in a relationship is a way to excuse all future bad behavior, and he’s banking on the fact that you don’t care about him yet since so early on that his announcement will just fall on bored ears. Literally run if he announces this to you early on, it doesn’t just mean he wants to keep things casual, it means he wants you to feel bad about him not wanting to date you.
2. “My ex was crazy.”
When a bro tells you his ex is crazy, it usually means he did something really messed up that she was rightfully very angry about. Every betch has it in her to go full Swimfan on a bro if he behaves badly enough. But more than likely, if a bro is telling you how crazy his ex is, he’s trying to make sure you know that he took no responsibility for how the relationship ended, even if it was totally his fault. If his ex was literally psycho, like she murdered his dog or broke into his house, he’s probably just as crazy because he dated her in the first place. Plus you don’t want to be with him if his ex is actually crazy because she’ll probably figure out you’re dating and murder your pets too.
3. “I like you so much as a friend I’d hate to ruin that by dating.”
By the way, we’re not talking about a bro who wants to keep you in the friendzone. If he says this to you and he’s still happy to fuck you, he’s a fuckboy. You know what friends do? They hang out. They are there for each other. They don’t fuck. If you’re fucking and still acting like friends, you’re dating. He’s not afraid to lose the friendship, he’s afraid to lose the Bumble dates. Just remind him that not dating is just as likely to ruin your friendship as dating you is.
4. You ask him about another girl and he says “We’re just hanging out.”
Instead of telling you you’re the only one or being honest about dating multiple people, he just says “We’re just hanging out, it’s nothing” and then doesn’t respond to your next text until noon the next day. For a bro who’s not hooking up with another girl, he sure acts very defensive. When was the last time you described your friendship with a platonic friend as “just hanging out”? Never, that’s when. You would say “we got ice cream” or “we got drunk and snuck into a house party” but in any case you’d be specific because you’re not fucking guilty.
5. After a week of not responding: “Sorry I just saw this. Wanna hang out?”
He decided he’s bored and wants to hook up but realized he needs to do some recon because he has been ignoring you for the last week. So he says something super sweet and you forgive him because you want to see him. Fuck that noise. Don’t fall for this.
6. “I just don’t know what I want right now.”
You’re not a burger on a menu for him to decide if he’s in the mood for. Sorry but being indecisive does not apply to dating you. If he doesn’t know what he wants, then he doesn’t want to date you. If he wants to date you, he’ll figure it out fast enough when you leave him and he realizes he fucked up. Don’t stay with a fuckboy that leads you on with this statement. He just wants you to hang around and be allowed to treat you like shit because he can’t make up his mind. If he’s walking into a five star restaurant and acting like he’s at a McDonald’s because he doesn’t know if he wants to get anything, that’s on him, not you. Move on and let him enjoy his dollar menu because that’s all he’s going to get.
7. “I don’t want to hold you back.”
If he says this what he really means is he thinks you’re holding him back. This is the dumbest shit because nobody who proposes to their girlfriends ever prefaces it with, “hope this doesn’t hold you back forever”. If he’s actually into you, he will want to lock it down You’re always going to be able to walk away and leave him, and he knows this. So there’s no such thing as holding you back. In fact, he just feels like you’re holding him back but he can’t say that to your face. Ironically more girls want to fuck him because you’re dating him, because hot girls see other hot girls dating a fuckboy and assume he’s chill because he’s dating a hot girl. So you’re technically helping him more than you’re holding him back.
8. “Let’s not put a label on it.”
Ironically he probably buys shit and doesn’t take the tags off either, because he can’t commit to anything. Not putting a label on it is his way of putting space between you. Any betch who loves shopping knows that labels are the shit. How else will anyone know your bag is designer?
9. “I think we should slow things down.”
Unless he’s Mormon and he’s talking about waiting to have sex, this is bullshit. If he’s comfortable putting his dick in your mouth, then telling you he wants to slow the relationship down is a fuckboy move. Sorry but talking about your parents and going to formal together is supposed to come BEFORE butt stuff, not the other way around. If he says he wants to slow things down he should have mentioned that before he tried to take the condom off.
10. “I just don’t see myself in a relationship with you.”
If he can’t see a relationship with you, then he shouldn’t be allowed to see you naked. Not to say you’re looking for a relationship necessarily, but if he can’t even think about dating you as a possibility, he’s a fuckboy. Because not only are you somebody better’s type, you’re literally a dream betch for probably every bro that’s not him and your type is guys that are into you so tough luck, bro.
Read: If Disney Princes Were Fuckboys From Your Past