Whether you’re coming off of a bad breakup, been single for a hot minute, or just never really had an “adult relationship” before, there’s usually a similar thought that ends up going through your head at one point or another: am I ready to start dating again? And while some people follow arbitrary guidelines (divide your last relationship’s length in half and wait that long), the truth is it can be pretty complicated figuring out whether you’re ready to dive back into the dating pool or not.
“There are many reasons why someone might not be ‘ready’ for a relationship,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert for DatingAdvice.com, tells Betches. You might be still emotionally recovering from a breakup, you could working on your emotional intelligence, you might be busy raising kids and just not have the mental capacity, or you might just be in the process of getting your life together and want to make sure everything else in your life is good before worrying about the romantic aspect.
It sounds kind of transactional when you break it down, but it makes sense. The more effort you put into working on yourself while you’re single, the more “valuable” as a person you become, Dr. Walsh explains. And when you set a certain standard for yourself, you allow others with those same standards to approach you. Basically, you get what you give — and people can only meet you as far as you meet yourself.
Now, under the false pretenses of “waiting to find self-love first,” some people take themselves off the market because they haven’t achieved every single one of their goals. Just because you’re working on yourself doesn’t mean you have to be by yourself. A lot of self-love is a lifelong journey.
“We are always working on ourselves,” Dr. Walsh says. “That should never stop, whether we are single or partnered.” But she explains that sometimes, you just have to have the confidence to say: “Here’s what I’m proud of, here are my tender spots, and here’s what I’m working on” and continue pursuing a connection you think is good for you.
So, how exactly do you know when you’re ready for a relationship?
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Getting Into A Relationship?
There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for being ready for a relationship. But sometimes, taking a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come and your reasons for getting into a relationship can provide some insight as to where you’re at mentally. Here are some questions Dr. Walsh encourages you to ask yourself before going forth with dating and relationships:
- Am I dating to make my ex jealous?
- Am I dating for attention seeking to raise my self-esteem?
- Am I afraid to be authentic when it comes to expressing emotions?
- Am I unable to set boundaries?
“You are ready to get back out there when you can answer ‘no’ to these questions,” she says.
If I’m Not Ready For A Relationship, Should I Steer Clear Of Dating?
Honestly, it depends.
“Obviously, if you know you aren’t ready to bring the best version of yourself to the dating table, it’s probably not a good idea to torture yourself with rejection by attractive mates or by enduring cringy interest from low-value mates,” Dr. Walsh says. “It’s also not kind to waste an earnest person’s time if you know you are just there for the free dinner or quick sex.”
She explains that sometimes, while you’re in the process of growing, dipping your toe into the dating pool can actually give you a better idea of where you’re at.
“Relationships are a gymnasium for the mind, and you can’t get in ‘relationship shape’ without practicing some newfound interpersonal skills,” Dr. Walsh says.
Testing the waters can be beneficial if you’re still not ready to dive in fully — whether that’s being pickier about saying yes to dates or swiping casually on the apps. You get an idea of what kind of partner you’d be at the moment; you get to flex your communication, boundary, and emotional intimacy muscles, and, of course, most commonly, you can probably get a clearer idea of what it is you don’t want. And when you’re coming off an old relationship, sometimes you need a reminder of what isn’t for you.
