I Talked To A $25K Dating Coach — Here’s Everything We’ve Been Doing Wrong

Sometimes it feels like I’m going to die alone. Bleak, I know — but with the state of dating right now (and the frightening audacity of men these days), that fear feels more and more like a potential reality every day. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve downloaded and then deleted and then downloaded and then again deleted the dating apps. Each time I try to approach dating with positivity, the real world slaps me square in the face and plunges me further into a state of hopelessness. And I’m not alone in this feeling — I know so many friends, family, and even strangers that are demoralized in the dating department.

But instead of packing in the towel and doing research on those AI sexbots, I decided to chat with Amy Nobile Messing, the relationships expert behind Love, Amy, a $25,000 dating coach program that was featured on Goop’s Gift Guide For Lovers. Over the course of four months, Amy works with her clients to build a strategy that focuses on conscious dating. That means if I started today I might have a date by Valentine’s Day.

But because I definitely can’t afford Amy’s $25K price tag, I interviewed her so that I and the rest of you poor people can benefit from her expertise. Starting with, what is conscious dating? And is there any relation to Gwyneth Paltrow’s conscious uncoupling?

Image Credit: Sony Pictures

Betches: Your site mentions that you take a “conscious approach” to dating. Can you explain what this means?

Amy: We were never taught how to intentionally date. We know how to get good grades, get into college, go after the job we want. But when it comes to love, we’ve been conditioned to be chosen, and this keeps us stuck in a reactive mode, hoping to be anointed by someone. My program helps women flip the script, so instead of being chosen, the goal is ‘are we aligned?’ We do this through asking very specific questions on dates to assess whether someone is emotionally mature, ready for a relationship, and embodying the same core values.

B: You also put a lot of emphasis on “energy,” so how do you help clients learn how to put the right “energy” out?

A: The biggest predictor of success in dating is not what you look like, not what you do for a living, not where you live. It’s your energy. High vibrational energy is magnetic, and if you’re steeped in fear (which so many of us are in dating), you’re not going to attract who you want. I help clients raise their vibration through pinpointing and releasing energy blocks they’ve been carrying, and sparking joy to embody love.

B: I am fed TF up with dating right now. Do you have any dating secrets that can help us find the silver lining and keep persisting?

A: There’s a lot of negative talk around dating right now. I get it – it’s so hard to meet people spontaneously these days, and the apps feel exhausting. My biggest tip is – it only takes ONE! Most people need to get out of their own way – and shift their mindset – and then more aligned dates start flowing in. What if you knew with 100% certainty that your person was out there, getting ready for you right now? All you have to do is have the best attitude and energy, swipe and date for a while, and they’ll pop right in? You don’t want to wait to be happy before that happens. You have to walk around with this knowing that your person is right around the corner. I can’t tell you how effective this mindshift is!

B: I love that you’re so positive! But what do I do if I’m not living in that positivity in the moment. I feel more burnt out than hopeful.

A: First of all, take a mini break. Maybe it’s a week or two. Put a note in your calendar to fire back up. But in these two weeks, nourish yourself mind, body, and soul. Meditate every morning. Journal out whatever is coming up for you. Work out, do whatever makes you feel really good. Be gentle with yourself. Start to speak to yourself more kindly. Then, when you feel cleansed from the negative energy, dive back into dating with lightness and levity. Never swipe when you’re in a bad mood!

B: Okay, say I do all that and then I’m ready to dive back into dating. Is there anything I can do to change my approach or mindset — do you have a tried-and-true method to making dating right now more enjoyable?

A: It’s the mini screener date, hands down. Never give away a whole Saturday night to a stranger you “met” on an app. Mini screener dates are an hour, at a coffee shop or bar near you, at a time that works for you. It’s low (or no) glam, easy breezy, just to get a vibe and see if there’s enough curiosity for a “real” date.

B: We have to talk about the $25K price tag on the four-month program. What’s included in your services and who can benefit from working with you?

A: My program is for someone who’s ready to truly do things differently in their dating lives, and open to the universe playing a pivotal role. I have clients from 25 to 81.

Throughout the four months, we go deep into who they are now (what they stand for, core values, what their unique gifts are), how to position these things on the apps, and how to build and communicate their vision (what they want) on dates. Often clients aren’t aware of their blind spots and blocks, and how they’re being perceived in the dating world. I help them get unstuck and shift their energy from fear to love. The fun starts when they begin “discovery dating” and practicing being vulnerable, intentional, and curious. As they step into their most authentic selves, the magic really happens.