When my boyfriend found out I was writing this article, he displayed an emotional range that I usually reserve for getting my hair cut or finding out a TV show I watch is cancelled—you know, the really traumatic stuff. After vowing for 5 days that he would never lay eyes on it, he wound up glued to my latest draft while I repeatedly tackled him trying to reclaim my laptop. Because I have the core strength of an elderly Corgi, this was minimally effective and I had to hear a whole wounded speech of the “not all men” persuasion. So, for his benefit I’ve included the following disclaimer.
Disclaimer: This is exclusively for the purpose of not intended to make any guys out there self-conscious: you do me you. We’ve all just read enough articles about what guys think of our outfits, makeup choices, and morning-after behavior—it’s only fair that we offer up our thoughts about your dick’s behavior in return.
Doggy Style
This is heavily dependent on how the sex itself plays out. If he’s jackhammering for two minutes and then it’s over, this is just a guy who hasn’t had sex in too long, or who’s never had sex with the same girl more than twice, and exclusively knows how to effectively get himself off. Next. If it’s good though, and he’s not grabbing your hips and grunting like Khal Drogo (RIP), I’m willing to reserve judgment. Doggy style is awesome, and you can do a lot with it (bonus points for being creative with his hands).
My boyfriend’s insightful addition here: I think that guys like doggy style because it feels really good. (Thanks hon!)
Girl On Top
You’re obviously fucking hot, so you can’t really blame him for wanting to lay back and enjoy the view here. But unless you’re climbing on top and initiating this, this guy is straight-up lazy. Also, assuming this is your first hookup, who wants to invite that much eye contact??? Boys with mommy issues who will expect you to take care of all their cooking/cleaning/existential woes, that’s who. He thinks he’s sexily staring into your soul, but really you’re just thinking about how much your quads hurt and how much longer he’s going to lie there until he flips you over into a position he can actually finish in. This position is a privilege, and he should work his way up to earning it.
Missionary
Ah, the vanilla ice cream of sexual positions. I like to play a fun game when someone uses the phrase “best sex of my life” to describe missionary, and the game is that I leave immediately while deleting their number from my phone (preferably leaving them with the check for my meal in the process). I’m definitely saying not saying that liking missionary makes you a bad person, but it does make me think you’ve never heard of any other positions and/or seen a movie that isn’t PG-13. A first hookup is about bringing your A-Game. If this is his A-Game, he’ll probably cry in front of you within three weeks and wear the same T-shirt until you burn it in front of him.
Standing Up
Couple of thoughts here. First of all, if you’re having sex standing up you’re almost certainly in a public place, which means you’re wasted he operates quickly and is good at improvising. Also, he’s probably missing certain key shame genes, which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how weird you like to get in bed, and whether or not you were hoping to see this guy in daylight/introduce him to friends. If you’re in the comfort of someone’s home and his first move is to throw you up against a wall, you should either lock this down immediately or run for your life. He’s clearly experienced, knows how to take charge, and has excellent core strength. All of which is fantastic but also describes Patrick Bateman, so you see my point.
