Nick Viall will be returning to your television screen, but this time he won’t be trying to get rejected find love. People reported on Monday that Nick will appear in season two of ABC’s Speechless. ABC, of course, being the only network in the history of networks that has ever thought putting Nick Viall consistently on television was a good idea.

But don’t worry! Nick is actually branching out a lot with his new role, where he will be playing a “hunky B-movie actor who takes his craft too seriously.” See. That’s sooooo different from Nick’s real life as a hunky C-list TV personality who thinks reality dating is a really good way to meet someone. They’re like, not even in the same ballpark. Nick will be acting alongside legit celebrities like Micah Fowler and Academy Award nominee Minnie Driver, which is probably the closest Nick has been to legit performers since Dancing With The Stars.

According to People, Nick’s episode will shoot next week and air at the end of November, so he’ll still have time to make a surprise cameo on Winter Games if the Bachelor audience isn’t too sick of him by now that’s something he wants to do.

So there you have it, folks. We finally have proof. Nick Viall only ever went on The Bachelor to become famous. At least he’s like, really good at pretending to cry. 

You guys know why I’m here, right? I’m basically The Bachelor internet rumors correspondent. *Adds to resume* So it should come as no surprise to you that when Danielle Lombard aka Danielle L aka D-Lo did an AMA on The Bachelor subreddit, I was on that shit like a former Bachelor contestant and a FabFitFun box. For those of you who have lives and don’t procrastinate endlessly at work don’t Reddit, “AMA” stands for “Ask Me Anything.” Basically, a celebrity or person of interest will log onto Reddit, usually take a selfie of themselves holding up a paper that says “Hi Reddit! It’s me, Todd Kraines” or whoever they are so they can authenticate their identity, then Reddit users will post questions in a single thread, and the aforementioned celebrity/person of interest will answer them at their will.

Y’all still with me? Okay, good. So in D-Lo’s AMA, she spilled a LOT of tea. For instance, she revealed that Dean called her up mere hours after Bachelor in Paradise filming wrapped and spent five hours on the phone convincing her to give him another chance, only for him to act like a fuckboy again the second she turned around. She also provided some major insight into why Nick and Vanessa broke up. And again I say, I fucking love Reddit. It is truly a magical place. Anyone who tries to convince me otherwise will get a swift block.

First off, for all you Vanessa haters (all of us), D-Lo just gave you some more ammo. One of the top questions was why Rachel and Vanessa aren’t friends anymore, and it’s because Vanessa allegedly “called Rachel something that was extremely derogatory.” She added that it was so bad that “Vanessa had to be separated for the rest of the show.” Yooooo. That is serious. Danielle doesn’t specify what Vanessa called Rachel, so I’ll just leave you all to your imaginations. So not only is Vanessa annoying and a fame whore, but she’s also like, a terrible person. ABC, RELEASE THE TAPES!

BUT HERE’S WHERE IT GETS REALLY GOOD. Someone asked the following: “I will probably ask what the beef was with Vanessa and all the women. What nick did to make all the women on his season hate him. Why All the women didn’t leave when they knew they never wanted to marry nick and Thought he was ugly. Why would Vanessa accept nicks proposal when she despised him and went out of her way to cheat on him.” (Capitalization inconsistencies are OP’s own, not mine.)

Danielle addressed the questions, saying, “I think most of the girls felt like Nick never wanted to get married and he just wanted to be on TV. So that really pissed a lot of women off.” Okay, so that’s not really that groundbreaking. But she did add, “Maybe for Vanessa, it became more of a competition? But I don’t think that she cheated on him? It was just ironic because she told Nick I was just there to be famous since I’ve modeled in the past, but you come to find out later that she’s actually and model and tv host/actress in Canada and that Nick’s been taking acting classes out in LA.” 

If you can read between the lines, which is what I got my PhD in, Nick and Vanessa broke up because they were both fame whores who couldn’t stand each other, and once the initial endorsement money ran out they no longer felt the need to keep up the charade. So basically what we all thought to be true is confirmed by someone with insider knowledge. Also, I laughed myself into a coma at the idea of Nick Viall’s lisping ass landing a role anywhere other than a reality TV franchise he’s basically blackmailed his way into staying a part of. 

Thanks Danielle. Thanks Reddit. I’d recommend reading the entire AMA because there’s lots more tea where that came from.

In news that is truly shocking to all of Bachelor Nation, Nick Viall and Vanessa Grimaldi have ended their engagement. I think I speak for all of us when I say that this is extremely surprising news that absolutely none of us saw coming. If two people who barely tolerate each other on national television can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

In an exclusive joint statement to E! News, Nick and Vanessa said, “It’s with a great amount of heartbreak for the both us as we have decided to end our engagement. We gave this relationship our all and we are saddened that we did not get the fairytale ending we hoped for. We will continue to be there for each other no matter what. This hasn’t been an easy decision, however, as we part ways, we do so with lots of love and admiration for each other.”

Translation: Rachel stole our spotlight and now that the endorsements have run out, we no longer have to pretend to like each other. Also, Vanessa would be clinically insane to willingly give up her Canadian citizenship and move to the United States given the current political climate.

I’m assuming Vanessa will have to give back the $100,000 engagement ring Nick copied from Robby Hayes, but I’ll report back when I have more information. Damn shame.

I don’t even want to speak this into existence and put it out in the universe (I just finished The Secret), but if this is all gearing up for Nick Viall to become the Bachelor again, I will find Nick, Chris Harrison, and Mike Fleiss and kill us all in a murder-suicide for the ages, I swear to fucking God.

There is an argument to be made for Corinne being the true winner of last season of The Bachelor. I mean, think about it, she gets all the fame, glory, and funny gifs without any of the having to get married to Nick Viall. She’ll likely be going to Paradise where she’ll be the hottest commodity for anyone who wants to ride her attention coattails (so like, all Bachelorette contestants), and based on what we’ve seen of the men on Rachel’s season so far, she really dodged a bullet by not becoming the Bachelorette herself.

That being said, Corinne is not done weighing in on the man she left behind, or the fame whore woman he chose instead. Talking to SiriusXM Hits 1 this week, Corinne not-so subtly shaded the “engaged” couple, saying “I have a lot of respect for both of them, I just personally—not saying anything bad about either of them—I just personally don’t think they’re compatible.”

Honestly, we see Corinne’s game here, and we respect it. It’s just like any time you want to talk shit about your ex’s new girlfriend. Start out saying how she’s a nice person and how you are truly over your ex and wish the best for him, then finish by saying you just didn’t realize he liked girls with such a pronounced FUPA. It’s masterful.

Corinne also went on to agree with one of the radio hosts that the couple are “staying together for fame.” “I think they’re both just in it for publicity and as soon as the publicity runs out, they’re going to break up,” the host said, proving once and for all that Corinne Olympios is actually capable of inception. She obviously snuck into this radio host’s subconscious to plant the idea of Nick and Vanessa being fake, all so she can be like “Well, I didn’t bring it up…” later.

In response to the host’s accusation of fakeness, Corine said she thought he was “on point,” adding that “They’re so phony with each other,” and that “It sucks, because they’re both really real people separately, but whenever they were together, looking at them—like, I lived with Vanessa and dated Nick—that’s not how either one of them really are. And I’m like what are you doing?”

Ouch. Looks like Corinne is painting Nick and Vanessa’s whole relationship as one big publicity stunt, and like all things Corinne says, we have to agree. Corinne doesn’t seem bitter though, which makes sense given that she’s focused on her potential stint on Bachelor in Paradise, already filmed an episode with Rachel for the next Bachelorette, and has launched her own clothing line. Meanwhile, Vanessa is stuck carrying Nick’s groceries and crying her eyes out over the loss of her Sunday dinners and psycho family. But yeah, you keep telling yourself you’re the “winner,” Vanessa. Whatever gets you through the day. 

Bachelor Nation’s fuzzy-headed Peter Pan aka Nick Viall hasn’t really been kicking ass on this season’s Dancing With The Stars, to say the least. In fact, much like the man himself, his scores have been largely unremarkable and middle-of-the-road.

Allegedly, Nick is planning a Rhumba to Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” for Monday night’s episode of DWTS. Rhumba is a type of dance by the way, You’re thinking Roomba which is that magic robot vacuum thing. There’s a difference.

Anyway, this is the Most Memorable Year episode of the season, in which, I guess, the contestants base a dance on something memorable to them. Since Nick’s life has probably been catastrophically unremarkable apart from his 90 million Bachelor franchise appearances, he chose the highlight of his time on TV: that time he cried for 10 weeks straight his time as the Bachelor. So naturally he’s dedicating “Shape of You” to Vanessa. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.

We all know Vanessa barely likes Nick and mostly stays with him to be famous, right? I feel like that fact is going to make Nick’s heartfelt explanation of why he chose her as the topic of his dance super awkward for everyone. I can’t with ABC anymore. Like, quit pushing this Nick and Vanessa happy couple fake news agenda on us.

When it’s time for heartfelt explanations of why this is his “Most Memorable” dance, drink every time Nick lisps the word “amazing” in relation to his time on the show/his relationship with Vanessa. I have a feeling you’re going to be drunk AF within the first three sentences. Go with wine instead of hard alcohol if you have work in the morning.

If Nick doesn’t get 10s on this next dance, he could legit be going home—once again fulfilling his destiny of losing at everything and humiliating himself on national television. His parents must be so proud. To put it in perspective, Nick is worse at this competition than the Real Housewife who doesn’t wear underwear. Just focus on that for a minute. This really could be the end of the road for him. Let’s be honest, the only way Nick can get 10s is if they’re tricked into hanging out with him after being promised Luke Pell. Heyo! 

I guess in Bachelor nation, no news is somehow news. At least, that would explain why the Daily Mail dedicated an entire article to a picture of Nick “letting” Vanessa carry her own groceries. The headline read “His knight in shining armor! Nick Viall takes a break from the heavy lifting and lets fiancee Vanessa Grimaldi carry their grocery bags back to car,” which is offensive for two reasons. One, that is way too fucking long to be considered a headline—where did these people go to journalism school? Two, I’ve read this article a couple of times through—which wasn’t especially difficult considering it amounted to about two sentences describing the couple’s outfits—and it’s not apparent that they are being facetious. Like, I’m honestly just not sure. Is that it? Is gender equality just carrying your own grocery bags? Did we just … beat sexism? All right, great, let’s pack it in. Marchers, you can go home now. Planned Parenthood, we good.

I guess now is a good time to casually remind everyone that the Daily Mail did release an article recently where they referred to Prime Minister Teresa May and Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon collectively as, “legsit” (get it? like Brexit but for womens’ legs?) for wearing skirts, so it’s not hard to imagine that the Daily Mail has no fucking clue what it’s talking about when it comes to gender norms. I don’t know if the Daily Mail are trolls and I just fell into their trap or what, but I think it’s safe to wildly speculate definitevely say that if Nick is letting Vanessa carry her own groceries, he clearly doesn’t love her.

No real man would let his girlfriend struggle under the weight of some moderately full plastic bags when he could use the sheer force of his brute male penile strength to save her from having to exert physical energy—and probably save her from herself in the process. Let’s be real, Vanessa probably insisted on carrying the groceries because she’s on her period or something.

Have Nick Viall & Vanessa Grimaldi Picked a Wedding Date? https://t.co/zhjy0I9ZJA pic.twitter.com/Ern7QrHxAm

— MM Iowa USA (@MMIowaUSA) April 5, 2017

Just look at her. She’s totally PMS-ing. And really, good for Nick for “taking a break from the heavy lifting.” I’m sure he’s exhausted from keeping up the lie that his relationship is based on anything other than a mutual interest for temporary fame.

So thank you, Nick Viall. You’re not the feminist hero this country needs, but you’re very clearly the one we deserve.

Bachelor fans, brace yourselves, because there’s trouble in paradise. Nick and Vanessa are (reportedly) already fighting. Who’s surprised to hear that? Oh right, none of us. The reason may surprise you, though (or it may have if I hadn’t just written it in the headline, oops): Vanessa’s struggling with Nick being more famous than her.

A fame-hungry acquaintance “exclusive source” told UsWeekly that Vanessa is having a hard time with Nick being on Dancing With The Stars. “Vanessa’s not used to the attention being mostly on Nick,” the source says, which is pretty funny considering Vanessa met Nick while COMPETING ON THE SHOW HE WAS THE STAR OF. Like, huh? Nick was ALWAYS the center of attention, or did you miss the part where 30 other girls were making out with your boyfriend?

The article doesn’t really go into much more detail than that, probably because a whopping 0% of this is true, but I can easily picture this happening for real. Let’s not forget that Vanessa was trying to be an actress since 2010 before finally landing her biggest role of acting like she can stand Nick Viall. This is the girl who forced had her special needs kids to take time out of their busy day full of learning to make a scrapbook for some dude she had known for like, two weeks. Because these kids didn’t have anything more important to do, like prepare for their futures or anything. All that is to say, Vanessa clearly thrives on attention. Like, I don’t think we actually saw her eating that much on camera—unlike Corinne and her cheese—so it’s possible she just subsists on references to Canada and attention. Look, I mean, no one’s disproved this theory. So.

And now I’d like to take this moment to bring to your attention the way UsWeekly captioned a photo of Nick and Vanessa:

In case you don’t have your reading glasses on, that says “TV personality Vanessa Grimaldi and dancer Nick Viall attend the ‘Dancing with the Stars’ season 24 premiere” and a bunch of other shit you don’t care about.

“TV personality” is a strong way to describe someone who went on a couple of dates on camera—I would consider Ryan Seacrest more of a true “TV personlity”—but like, sure. I’ll allow it. But “dancer”? Calling Nick a dancer is like calling me a rapper. Like, yes, it’s something I have done in front of a camera when someone Snapchatted me doing “Fuckin’ Problems” at karaoke (crushed it BTW), but to imply that it is my profession is seriously misguided.

So yeah anyway, I imagine the conversation between Nick and Vanessa went something like this:

Vanessa: You’re never around because you’re always off filming shitty spinoffs. What’s a girl gotta do to get some attention around here, puke on you again?

Nick:

And scene. Anyway, Vaness (can I call you Vaness?), I know how you can get all the attention back on you. It’s pretty simple, actually: you plan a wedding. That way you can command the attentions of your family, friends, and the tabloid news cycle for the entire year and a half it takes to plan the wedding. It worked for Katie Maloney; it can work for you too.